A quick note: I worked for many years as a grief counselor, working with parents who had lost a child or children. Some of this may appear 'over the top' but I assure you that people really do panic at the thought of having a child after a loss.

Thank you, as always, for my faithful reviewers and all those who are reading this story.

Whatever was left of the color in Jane's face drained at Teresa's words. He stood there frozen, his face a mask showing nothing.

That changed an instant later when the blank stare changed to one of utter panic. A moment later he began to breathe loudly, in short, quick gasps. "No", he uttered in a strangled voice. "No – you can't – I can't." His eyes closed and opened again rapidly. He looked around the room almost as if expecting something or someone to be there.

"Patrick?" she walked towards him, worried at his reaction. As soon as she began to move he stepped back, his arms held out as if to ward off a threat.

"No", he said again, his breathing growing faster. He was on the verge of a full-scale panic attack and Lisbon didn't know what to do.

"I have – to" he bent over, his hands braced on his knees. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I have to – I'm sorry." He straightened and pushed himself towards the door. A moment later he was gone.

She didn't know what to do. She was terrified he'd hurt himself and wanted to run after him. At the same time, she knew she was the last person he needed right now. She walked quickly to the door and opened it, just in time to see him screech away in his car. He was in no shape to drive and she had to do something.

Running to grab her phone she quickly dialed Cho. Jane needed help, he needed someone, just not her.

"Cho, it's Teresa. Look, I'm sorry but I need you to do something for me. Patrick just left and he's really upset. I'm worried about him. Could you go to his place and make sure he makes it home okay?"

"What's wrong?" Cho asked sounding worried, for once allowing his feelings to carry in his voice. "What happened?"

"He – he's panicking. I told him – oh God – I told him I'm pregnant and he freaked out. Please Cho, I'm really worried."

There was a pause so brief Teresa wasn't even sure it was there. Then Cho – steady reliable Cho – spoke.

"I'll go, don't worry. I'll make sure he's okay."

After she'd hung up she sat down, her muscles losing all strength. She stayed that way for what seemed like a long time, stunned by what had just happened. Soon, however, the numbness wore off and the next moment she was crying as if her heart would break.

Jane drove blindly, not aware of where he was or even what was happening. All he knew was he had to get away. The panic and fear were building and he felt like he was going to explode.

His eyes began to play tricks and he almost hit another car, swerving out of the way at the last minute. Even so he kept going, driven by a need to get away, to hide, to protect himself.

As caught up as he was in the terror that consumed him, a small part of his brain recognized this feeling. He also remembered that the last time he'd felt like this, he'd woken up in a padded and locked room. He'd spent the next six months of his life there.

Finally, unable to think, almost unable to breathe, he jerked the steering wheel to the side and stopped his car. Leaning his head forward he sat, pale, shaking and unaware of the world around him.

Cho drove immediately to Jane's trailer and waited, his worry showing by the uncharacteristic tapping of his fingers on the seat beside him.

He should have known that his friend wouldn't handle news like a pregnancy well, although he didn't expect quite such an extreme reaction. It was logical, really. He knew the other man still carried a tremendous load of guilt over the death of his little girl, and probably always would. The idea of being responsible for another child must be terrifying.

He checked the time and frowned. There's no way Jane wouldn't be here by now if he'd come directly from Lisbon's. He started his SUV and reversed out of the parking lot. He'd come back, but for now he needed to check to make sure the man hadn't killed himself.

He drove the streets between Jane's place and Lisbon's, hoping Jane had simply stopped somewhere on the way back. When he found nothing he expanded his search. He was just about to give up and call Teresa, when he spied Jane's car on the shoulder of a residential street. He'd almost missed it as it sat in the shadows under a tree. The car had jumped the curb and was sitting half on the sidewalk and half on the road. He could see Jane inside, but he wasn't moving. Cho prayed he hadn't hurt himself, although the accident looked to be minor.

"Jane", he tapped gently on the glass. Jane was hunched over the steering wheel, and Cho couldn't tell if he was wounded or not. "Jane", he tapped again. This time a bleary face turned towards him, although there was still no verbal response.

"Holy crap", he exclaimed when he saw the dazed look on the other man's face. Jane was obviously completely out of it. It was a miracle he hadn't killed himself or someone else. "I'm going to open the door Jane", he said calmly. When there was no response he careful pulled the handle and opened it. Jane still sat, his face turned towards Cho but with no expression.

"Let's get you out of here, okay?"

"Hmm?" Jane responded slightly. "Cho?"

"Yes, it's me. Come on, I'll give you a ride."

A slight frown appeared on the consultant's face. "But – I have my car."

"I know, but you're in no shape to drive. Come on."

After a second Jane gave a single nod. He then tried to get out of the car but could barely move. Cho finally had to reach in and practically pull his friend out.

Once Jane was standing he guided him to his own car, got him seated and strapped in and then headed out. He kept glancing at his passenger, but Jane simply stared ahead, his face looking like marble in the glare of the street lamps.

Making a quick decision Cho turned towards his own apartment. Jane shouldn't be on his own tonight but he knew the man wasn't up to seeing Lisbon. And Cho didn't want her to see Jane. She was freaked out enough as it was.

"Here we are", he said as he pulled into his parking spot. "Come on, let's get out."

Jane fumbled for the handle but had trouble getting it to open. When Cho finally came around and did it for him Patrick looked somewhat surprised, although he was still so out of it not much registered. In fact, he was halfway up the walkway when he stopped.

"This isn't my place", Jane muttered.

"No, it's mine. Come on."

"But, why am I here?"

"Because I'm going to fix you a cup of tea. Now let's get inside."

"Tea? Okay, tea sounds good."

Cho got him situated on his sofa. "I'm gonna go make tea. Just stay here."

"Okay."

The minute he got into the kitchen the FBI agent pulled out his cell and quickly dialed. "Teresa? Sorry that took so long. I found him parked on a side street. He's okay."

"Has he said anything?"

"No, nothing really. Look, I've got him at my place and I'll have him sleep here tonight. I think he needs some tea and rest and then I'm sure he'll be okay. This was just a shock and I expect it brought up some tough memories."

"God, I know. I didn't mean to do this to him – it was an accident. Please, take care of him and call me if –if you need anything. And please, tell him I love him."

"Okay. You take it easy. Everything will be fine."

When Cho hung up he stood looking at his phone for a few seconds. With a shake of his head he pulled himself out of his thoughts and began to look for tea. He really wondered if his words to Teresa were true. He didn't know if Jane was going to be okay or not.

"Here you go", he set the teacup on the coffee table. "The way you like it."

"Thanks." Jane sat staring at the teacup, not moving. "I can't do this", he muttered softly.

"What? Drink the tea? It's okay, I promise."

Jane ignored him and continued to stare at his cup. "I can't be a father. I killed her." His face crumpled and he seemed almost to collapse in on himself. "I told her I'd always protect her. She used to – to be afraid. She told me there was a bad man in her room and she was scared. I told her – I promised her that I'd look after her, that I wouldn't let the bad man get her." He looked up at that, right at Cho. "I lied. I didn't protect her and the bad man got her."

"It wasn't your fault Jane, you know that. She was talking about an imaginary man – all kids are like that. It had nothing to do with what happened."

"I lied to her – my little girl." He swallowed and the tears were now trailing down his cheeks. "She was so beautiful, so innocent and I killed her. Can you imagine how she felt and I wasn't there to save her, like I promised. I can't - I can't do that to another child. I can't."

"You won't." Cho didn't know what to say or do. He wondered briefly if he should call Lisbon and have her come over. "It was a terrible tragedy Jane, but not your fault. It's not going to happen again."

"You can't know that! How can you say that? People I love get hurt and they get killed and I can't do that to another child. I won't." He broke down completely then, leaning forward wracked by heaving sobs.

Cho glanced around, wishing that Lisbon or Grace or someone who knew how to deal with this kind of this was here. After listening to Jane for a few seconds he took a deep breath and moved forward. Sitting down on the sofa he reached over and put his arm around Jane's shoulder.

"It's okay Jane. Your daughter loved you and you were a good father – you know that. Don't let your fears destroy what you have."

Jane froze for a second, and then collapsed into the other man. He grabbed Cho's shirt and put his head on his shoulder and cried.

Cho had no idea how long they sat there, but he held onto his friend and offered what comfort he could. He was pretty sure he was the wrong person to be doing this, but right now Jane needed someone and he was the only person available.

It was only as Jane grew quiet and his body heavy that Cho realized the other man had fallen asleep. The terror, the guilt, the panic had all exhausted him.

Pulling back carefully Kimball gently moved Jane until he was lying back on the sofa. He lifted his legs and pondered the other man who looked terrible, his face white and streaked with tears. With a shake of his head and a deep sigh the FBI agent, and at this moment caregiver, headed to the hall to retrieve a blanket. He covered his friend carefully and turned the lights down low. With another sigh he headed to his room, wishing there was more he could have done.

He was woken up by a strange noise and it took a few moments, and a repeat of the sound, to realize what it was. Leaping out of bed Cho ran towards the living room, to find Jane on the floor panting in terror.

"No – no, he's dead. Red John is dead. Please don't hurt her – please. Not my baby – please – don't."

"Damn it!" Cho moved quickly and knelt down by Jane, who was clearly in the middle of a nightmare. "Jane, wake up. You're having a nightmare."

Jane turned terrified eyes onto him. "No, you don't understand. It's Red John. He's going to kill them. Please, stop him. Please, please – stop him!"

"Red John is dead", Cho repeated firmly. "It's just a nightmare. Come on Jane – wake up."

It took a few more minutes but eventually Jane calmed down and then slowly woke up. He turned bleary eyes onto the man squatted down beside him. "Cho?"

"Yes, it's me."

"Where am I?" Jane looked around, blinking curiously. "I'm at your apartment. Why? And why am I on the floor?"

"You were sleeping on the couch and you had a nightmare. Why don't you get up? I'll fix you a tea." Cho shook his head. He was pretty sure by the time this was done he'd have made more cups of tea than in his entire life.

Still looking confused, Patrick pushed himself to his feet and stumbled over to the sofa. He felt weak and disoriented and couldn't for the life of him figure out why he was at Cho's.

A few minutes later the calm and usually unflappable Cho had returned. "Here, drink this."

"Thank you." He took a sip, turning up his nose slightly. Still it was better than no tea at all. After a few sips he began to feel a bit better. "So – uh – why am I here?"

"You freaked out. Don't you remember?"

He tried to make his mind remember what had happened, but stopped. With a swallow he put his tea down. "No – no I don't remember." He knew there was something, something just out of his reach. All he had to do was to relax and the memory would return, but something was telling him not to – that he was better off not knowing.

Unless it was – "Oh God – did something happen to Lisbon?" He sat up, feeling a sense of panic return.

"No, she's fine", Cho reassured him. "At least she hasn't been hurt. She is worried about you though."

"Me? Why is she worried?"

"I told you – you freaked out."

"Oh." Did he want to ask what about? No, he didn't think he did. It was in the same realm as remembering, something he was avoiding right now.

"You're sure you don't remember?" Kimball asked, looking concerned.

"Uh – no – I don't think -" he groaned softly. As much as he wanted to bury his head in the sand right now, something told him he might as well get this over with. "What happened?" he finally asked.

"Do you want me to tell you?"

"Yes – I mean, you're sure Teresa is okay?"

"She's fine."

"Then go ahead – tell me."

Kimball pursed his lips, thinking how to approach this carefully. In the end he decided the best thing was to just be honest. "Teresa told you she was pregnant and you flipped out. I brought you here and then you had a nightmare about Red John."

Patrick didn't know how to react. Thankfully he didn't seem like he was going to flip out this time, but he couldn't really process anything. Teresa pregnant? No, there had to be a mistake. Maybe this whole thing was one of his dreams.

"I – you're sure?" he asked.

"That she's pregnant? That's what she told me."

He didn't want to go there, not at all. Ignoring that he spoke. "No, I mean did I really freak out?"

"Oh yeah. You crashed your car – not badly – and I picked you up. When we got home you got pretty emotional. You woke me up screaming. I think you were dreaming Red John was still alive and was after your family again."

"Because Teresa is pregnant", he whispered to himself. God damn it! How could this have happened? How could she have let it happen? Once more he began to feel panic and guilt accompanied by a streak of intense anger at Lisbon. His breathing began to speed up.

"Jane – stop that!"

"What?" he breathed, sounding as if was beginning to hyperventilate.

"Stop what you're doing and calm down. It's not helping anything.

Shocked by Cho's words he glared at his friend but finally nodded, realizing what the other man said was true. Closing his eyes, he practiced a biofeedback technique that helped and made him feel calmer.

He opened his eyes and looked towards Cho. "I'm okay."

"No, you're not. Do you want me to call Lisbon?"

"NO! No", he repeated, more softly the second time.

"You can't avoid this Jane."

He looked up at the agent. "Since when have I ever avoided things?"

"Well, emotional things, all the time. You need help."

Jane snorted. "Right. I suppose you want me to go see a doctor or something. I can assure you, that won't happen."

"No, I don't suppose it will. What about going to talk to someone who's been through what you're experiencing."

"What? You think they have support groups for parents who've had their family killed by a serial killer?"

"I don't know. Probably. But that's not what I meant. There are lots of parents who have lost children in tragic ways, not just by serial killers, and they've gone on to have other kids. You could talk to them. Look, it's your business, yours and Teresa's. I just don't want to see either of you hurt. You've got to figure this out because if she is pregnant there's going to be a child that will be the one to suffer if you don't. Do you want that for your kid?"

"Better than having me kill it."

Kimball let out a deep breath and shook his head. "Look, I'm not going to tell you what to do, although from where I stand you're being an idiot. Sure it's tough, but so what, that's life. Teresa needs you right now and that baby will need you once it's born. If you don't see that and don't deal with it – well then, Red John will have the ultimate victory. Not only will he have killed your family, he'll have destroyed any future family and any chance you have of happiness." With that he turned and headed towards his bedroom.

"I'm here for you if you need me, but I think this is something you're going to have to figure out on your own."

Jane sat on the sofa, not moving, for a long time. Thoughts and feelings were pressing in on him so much that he didn't know what to do. Finally, just as the sun began to peek over the horizon he stood. Grabbing a scrap of paper he wrote a note and quickly left. Once outside he took his cell phone and called for a cab.

When Cho woke up the next morning the first thing he did was go to the living room to check on Jane. All he found was a folded blanket and a note on the coffee table.

Cho,

Thank you. Please tell Teresa I love her and I'm sorry.

Jane