Bill. Bill. Bill. Fanmail. Bill. Fan mail. Fanmail. Fanmail. Bill. Bill. Bill. Fanmail. Fanmail. Fanmail. Roses. Chocolates. Bill. Death threat. Bill. Bill. Fanmail. Fanmail. Fanmail.

Tamaki loved getting mail.

Cross-legged on the rug, Tamaki was sorting a wad of mail large enough to fill a large bathtub into piles according to which Host they belonged to.

As a general rule, Tamaki got the most fanmail and she took great pleasure in opening everyone and perusing their contents, eyes glistening. However, on particular days of the week Kyouya had a larger stack of mail as letters to her were often the size of a short novel (the 'meeker' Hosts got the accordingly sincere and passionate customers) and they were accompanied with bills of everything from costume hire to Hunny's daily sweet allowance.

Meanwhile the other hosts received letters, packages of food, flowers (Kyouya liked these gifts, it saved on floral deliveries,) jewellery, dresses and even the occasional stalker-ish photograph.

A very large proportion of the mail today was for Haruhi. As a fossil of the Y age, he was receiving, on average, twenty requests a day to re-enter active participation as a host. Kyouya generally let him read them and then used them as kindling for the fireplace in the winter.

Having sorted all the mail out into neat, separate mounds, Tamaki called out: 'Mail!' She then grabbed her pile and hurried over to the couches where she plonked herself down and began to read. It had been a long day and fanmail always cheered her up.

Haruhi came over from the 'bouncer wall' to join in the mail-opening. Kasanoda hadn't arrived yet and to be honest, it was one of his favourite activities; sitting around the table together, reading letters of praise and pleading from customers, drinking coffee, taking the odd chocolate from someone's gift box, occasionally laughing at some poor soul's handwriting or signature.

'Hey, take a look at this!' Hikaru and Kaoru said in unison, giggling at a letter they had just opened.

The letter was passed around from Hunny, to Takashi, to Kyouya and to Haruhi. He glanced up and down the paper.

'I only know what three of these words mean… But from what I can gather they all refer to what he wants to do to your…' He pulled a face.

'What? Let me see!' Tamaki whined. She was particularly prone to the kaleidoscope effect, the feeling that a person gets when his or her friend is looking through a kaleidoscope, oohing and aahing, while the unfortunate one has no idea what's going on.

Snatching it from her 'son', Tamaki's eyes did a similar up-down of the sheet before going pale.

'Kyouya! Burn this letter and put a note of it on this boy's customer profile! I never want to see his name ever again!' she said, holding the letter at arm's length as though it were a rabid animal.

It was snatched out of her hand by Kaoru.

'That doesn't seem fair' she said, synchronised with her twin, 'He's our customer and he's one of the easiest of the lot. We've never met such an airhead…well…except perhaps milord of course.' They both grinned widely.

Tamaki would have leapt over the table at the twins had Kyouya not grabbed the hem of her skirt. The result was a face plant, scattering packages everywhere.

Haruhi seemed to be thinking.

'Um…what does mean?'

There was a minor eruption in the host club as Tamaki tried to slap one hand over each ear and then another over Haruhi's mouth.

'Mother! Haruhi's using bad language and it's all the twins' fault!'

'hmno ah hont oh hwa ee eeth' Haruhi mumbled

'Huh?' Tamaki removed her hand from Haruhi's mouth.

'I said that I don't know what it means.'

The twins didn't have time to react before a heavy cuboid package came down on each of their heads, propelled by Tamaki.

'Idiots! See what you have done?! You're sullying his mind with your perverted ways!'

'He might not have realised it was a swear word if you hadn't reacted like that' the accused chorused.

Tamaki put both hands to her mouth, sitting down once more with a look of self-loathing etched on her face. Of course, Haruhi had been aware that it was a swear word but the twins didn't feel like letting their Lady know that.

The heavy package that had hit the twins over the head had fallen into Hikaru's lap. The Host Club queen silenced, Kaoru glanced at it, instantly recognising the art department stationary. Only one customer came from the art department.

'Oh, Hikaru, here's one' she said quietly, reaching over to grab the parcel whilst covering the incriminating fact there was only one name on the address with her wrist.

The package now in her grasp, Kaoru flipped it over so she could open it and so that the addressee's name was face down.

Consciously opening it with a great deal more haste than she would have liked to suggest lack of interest, she peeled back the layers of brown paper, smudged with pastel. Lifting up the paper out fell: a book.

'Huh?' Hikaru reached over her sister's leg and picked up what looked like a medium-sized dictionary. Kaoru quickly scrunched up the wrapping and flicked it into the pile of discarded paper.

'A household guide to flower arrangement and European flower symbolism' Hikaru read allowed, her flawless forehead creasing in a look of bemusement, '…odd. Who sent it?'

Kaoru shrugged, 'No name. But it's not the weirdest thing we've been sent.'

'That's true. I still keep the voodoo told of our lord on my bedside table. I've been waiting for a chance to give it a go.'

Tamaki was jerked from her wallowing by the sound of the occult and her title in the same sentence.

'Who sent you that doll?' she demanded, wringing her hands.

Kaoru allowed Hikaru to wind Tamaki up, taking the chance to flick through the pages of the book sent by Hiroki. The festive pages were filled with diagrams of exactly how to lay out flowers, of ratios of flowers to greenery and of colour themes. Kaoru was gradually beginning to lose interest until she reached what seemed to be a crude bookmark. It must have been torn from the corner of a sketchbook, it was thicker and coarser than most paper. On the following page, under the heading, 'Meanings of flowers' there was a table compiling an extensive list of flowers what they possibly represented. As a host and aristocrat, Kaoru knew many of these of course. Red roses for love, daffodils for regard, white roses for purity and so on. But on the other hand, there were a great number that she had never known about: alstromeria for prosperity, azaleas for abundance, and hibiscuses for delicate beauty and larkspur for an open heart. Kaoru also noticed that nearly every representation had an opposite. Larkspurs could also represent fickleness, azaleas could also mean fragility. Bewildered, she slipped it into her bag wordlessly.

Just as Kaoru was about to come to her sister's aid in arguing with Tamaki, there was a thundering crash as the double doors were flung open with degrading force.

'Mitsukuni' came a voice of deep loathing from the doorway.

'Chika-chan' Hunny breathed; a forkful of strawberry cake half-way to her mouth.

'En garde!'

By the time the fork clattered onto its matching saucer, the siblings had already met in mid-air. There was a thud as Hunny parried one of Chika's blows and another as the two combatants landed simultaneously on the polished floor. Drawing shuriken from his uniform pockets, Chika somersaulted backwards, sending his projectiles in his older sibling's direction with well-honed technique. Leaping sideways, Hunny avoided the attacks with ease, sprinted about a semi-circle and lunged at her brother just as he landed. He caught her fist and the two grappled with each other, beads of sweat forming at their temples.

Suddenly, in a spilt second, Hunny had floored her brother with such force that he actually bounced a short distance off the tiles. But he didn't seem to notice. Instead, sliding on the seat of his pants, he seemed to be pushing himself as far away from Hunny as possible, looking as though he would pass out at any moment.

The victor approached cautiously, as did the rest of the club a few steps behind her,

'Chika…-chan?'

He gibbered for a few moments. As his back knocked the wall of the music room, his head darted about in panic before screaming for all and sundry to hear:

'AAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNN!'

'Eh?'

'AAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNN!!!'

'Speak up we can't hear you,' Hikaru said sarcastically.

'He said "Alien"' Mori explained from the rear of the group.

Yasuchika seemed to have only just noticed the rest of the Host Club, his eyes widened in uncomprehending panic as he took them in through his bespectacled eyes.

Tamaki, moved by his distress, stepped forward, hand outstretched,

'I wouldn't recommend that' Kyouya advised from behind her clipboard.

'What's the matter?' Tamaki said soothingly, ignoring what would be considered sage wisdom, 'We don't bite.'

But Yasuchika obviously did. It took Tamaki a whole ten seconds to flick the middle school student from her right hand. At last the boy was removed from her arm and she was free to scream that she wanted a rabies cure right now, harmonised by Yasuchika's resumed screeches of 'Alien.' The twins stuffed their fists in their ears but it did no good.

Over the wailing of Hunny's brother and Host Queen, no one noticed another figure dart in through the open doors. It ran up behind the club, vaulted over them, landing on the ground before Yasuchika and bringing a kendo stick down on his head with a crack like thunder.

Tamaki stopped wailing immediately. Yasuchika also stopped but only for a split second due to the surprise. His mouth was very quickly open again as he yelled:

'SATOSHI YOU IDIOT! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!'

Wincing, the twins experimentally removed their hands from their ears as Satoshi stood up. For Haruhi, the likeness between Satoshi and his older sister Takashi was striking. Yasuchika and Satoshi were both in their third year of middle school and possibly as close as Takashi was to Hunny although the roles of hyperactive and grim were reversed.

Wagging a finger in his short friend's face, Satoshi explained in an air of maddening morality:

'It's not proper for a son of the Haninozuka family to cause such a racket.'

'Satoshi, what are you doing here?' Mori asked, stepping out from the group.

'Oh. Sister!' All aside from Mori were stunned at his address.

'Yasuchika was sent by his father to see what had happened to Hunny-senpai! Apparently he's been locking himself in his room and leaving home before anyone else has gotten up. Yasuchika ran off as soon as he got out of class and I decided to accompany him to make sure he behaved himself.'

Tamaki inched up behind Takashi, put a hand on her shoulder and said, in a quivering voice.

'You…told…him?'

Takashi nodded.

'And…he's…okay with this?'

Satoshi gave an eager nod, 'I trust sister. I wasn't sure that it was really him the first night he came home but she still beat me at kendo with the same ease that my brother does. Takashi was the greatest older brother and a great example to the Morinozuka clan! It's exactly the same now except I have a sister instead!'

Tamaki's eyes leaked at the boy's heartfelt proclamation of his sibling's…perfection.

'Such devotion, such trust' she gibbered, 'it's – so – beautiful. Kyouya, remember to induct Satoshi into the Host club next year!'

'Satoshi you dimwit!'

Yasuchika had spoken for the first time in a wee while. All turned to face him as he stood up, legs shaking.

'Don't you see?' he asked, voice quavering as he pointed at the Host Club. 'Look at them. Their all freaks! Cross-dressers! That's why Mitsukuni has been hiding himself from his family! Because he really is an alien!'

'No. It's because he has an anal-retentive little brother' the twins said in a monotone.

But Yasuchika just ignored them. He cast his eyes down as though unable to look upon the monstrosities before him. It was a bad idea as he didn't see Satoshi's fist coming down on his jaw.

'Show some respect for your elders and your brother!' the dark haired youth demanded, putting his hands on his hips.

Yasuchika spat a small amount of blood onto the floor. 'Satoshi you fool, can't you see them for the perverts that they are! Even your brother is one of them!'

Hunny's brother realised that he had made a mistake within three seconds; that is, the length of time it took for Satoshi to lift the smaller boy high up above his head and throw him across the room.

Satoshi was upon him again before Yasuchika had gotten up, groaning from the pile of overturned chairs. The taller boy grabbed the front of his uniform and hissed,

'Never. Insult. Takashi. Again'

He raised up his fist but never got the chance to strike as Yasuchika pushed himself up off the ground, throwing Satoshi off balance. Two hands on the ground, the shorter boy aimed a kick at his friend's face who deflected it with his forearm.

'Uh' Haruhi stepped cautiously towards the sparring pair, 'shouldn't someone stop them?'

Hunny shook her head sadly. 'It no longer concerns us, to stop them would spawn enmity. By battling it out a victor is decided under terms that our families understand.'

Takashi nodded in agreement.

There as a faint click as Kyouya retracted the tip of pen.

'So that may be,' she said, 'However, I am afraid that I must side with Haruhi in this instance, it's stalling club activities.' As she spoke, she gestured towards the still gaping doors of the Music room through which a large number of customers were now gathering. The majority were floating on the threshold anxiously, following the fight, but a reasonable number had stepped right into the room and were now making their way to the group of hosts. The risk of grievous bodily harm is no match for teenage hormones apparently.

Hunny and Takashi both looked imploringly to Kyouya, begging with their eyes (well…more Hunny anyway) to leave their brothers as they were.

Kyouya returned their gaze, expressionless for almost a minute. If she blinked, Haruhi must have missed it. Finally, she sighed and crossed something off her clipboard.

'Fine. We shall cancel today's activities. However, the cost of compensation for our customers will come from you.' She said sternly, fixing Hunny and Takashi with a look that could have pierced Tamaki's skull.

Kaoru almost began giggling hysterically with relief. Amongst the heads bobbing around on the threshold of the music room, she had seen that which belonged to Hiroki. At least she wouldn't have to deal with him or Hikaru until later. She felt a pang of guilt at happily putting off telling them both what was going on.

But she didn't get long to dwell on such thoughts as she felt her sister's hand slide into hers as into a glove. 'Come on;' Hikaru said, 'let's go help get the furniture out of the way before Yasuchika and Satoshi flatten the place.'