Well, this is something entirely new. It is last chapter, but from Edward's perspective. One of my darling reviewers requested it and the more I thought about it the more I had to do it. I apologize if it isn't the greatest. I'm not so good at male perspectives (being a girl and all...) but I did my best.
Also, I know you are going to hate me, but this might be the last chapter for a while. I'll my best to get something out soon, but I'm leaving the country in less than two weeks and won't have access to a computer. That being said, I am going to bring a notepad to write on during my fifteen or so hour plane trip. Hopefully I'll have lots written by the time I return.
And thank you for the French help. As I previously stated, my written French leaves much to be desired. My spoken French is better, but if I get excited, tenses kind of fly out the window. Sad thing is, I was the top student in the top French class at my high school. Our language program is shrinking fast. Our German program bit the dust a couple years ago. (Ich kanne nicht spricht Deusche.) Anyway, thanks for the help!
One last thing, I promise. How 'bout them Celtics! Come from behind to win 96-91!! (I haven't checked tonights result. I'm terrified. Boston has a not so good record for clinching wins...)
Disclaimer: I don't own them.
Chapitre Neuf, Part Deux
The wait had been unbearable. Alice's offer, request… demand… was so tempting. I wanted more than anything to dance with Bella, hold her in my arms. But the very fact that I wanted that was a very good reason why I should ignore the demand. In fact, I should ignore the fact that Bella existed, as I had been trying to do since day one.
Trying being the operative word. I tried so hard. I did, really. But I couldn't get my mind off her. At first it was simple curiosity. With such appealing blood, how could I not be fascinated? And then the fact that I couldn't read her mind, well, there was a quandary.
But she had grown into more than just a fascination. She was an obsession now, I recognized that. I couldn't get her out of my head.
Recognizing the futility of my inner arguments, I started hunting. Twice a day if I could do it without worrying Carlisle and Esme. I needed to be as satiated as possible if I were to be near Bella, touching Bella.
The very idea sent shivers down my spine. I muttered in disgust to myself as I walked steadily towards her chamber. I was a vampire for crying out loud, I should be above involuntary bodily reactions.
Alice had been pleased as punch when she realized my intent for this morning. If I hadn't been… otherwise engaged… she probably would have squealed and hugged me. As it was, she squealed and threw herself at Jasper.
I didn't see why she was so excited. It was a defeat for me. I was surrendering to my intense desire to bask in Bella's presence. That and I wanted to know. I wanted to know everything about her. What she thought, what she liked, what she hated, everything. If I couldn't read her mind, I'd do the second best thing: ask her questions.
I appeared at her door as nervous as I had ever been since I had returned after my rebellious years. What if she turned me down? What if she was scared of me?
Idiot, I scolded myself mentally, she should be scared of you. You want that, right? She can't get attached. It's not fair to her. You shouldn't get attached. It's wrong.
Another futile self-argument. One I never won. It was no use telling myself not to get attached. I was already attached. Irrevocably bonded to her fate.
She agreed to planned walk with little to no hesitation. She was beautiful today. She was beautiful every day. Hell, she was beautiful every night too.
I wondered if the awkwardness between us could ever truly dissipate. I hoped so, but it didn't seem like it. It had faded for a bit in the library, but the mention of my thirst put us right back at square one. I ached for things to be normal, for us to be able to talk and not worry about whether or not she was going to die. I ached for her to be happy.
We walked outside in silence. Suddenly, sooner than I had dreamed, the awkwardness was gone. She seemed so thrilled to be outside that my stone-cold heart swelled with joy at the sight. I should go outside with her more often. It made me happy when she was happy and this clearly made her happy.
"Thank you for coming with me. I was considering joining your lesson this afternoon and thought I had better begin building my immunity," I spoke the half-truth with utter sincerity. No need to let her know just how fascinated I was by her.
"Very practical." She seemed almost… disappointed. Could it be?
"Yes, I suppose," I stated reluctantly. I wasn't feeling very practical. Without meaning to, I kept talking. "I also just wanted to talk to you. To be near you. I know I said we should stay away from each other, but I can't do it anymore." I hadn't meant to say near that much.
She blushed. That scarlet rush of blood was so tempting and yet, so delicate that my thirst barely increased. She seemed so vulnerable that I just couldn't hurt her. So far her scent wasn't affecting me to badly. The constant breeze swept her scent away for the most part.
I got down to business. I wanted to know everything about her. I asked her every question I could think of and memorized her answers. I supposed a vampire's memory was good for something.
I had to chuckle to myself when she said her favorite flowers were freesias. Did she know how strongly her scent reminded me of those innocent flowers? When spring came I'd have to find a bouquet of them to give her.
By this point I was almost completely relaxed. Conversation was so easy with Bella. She had an enchanting laugh and I found myself trying my very best to be witty just so I could listen to those dulcet tones.
I should have been paying more attention. I should have been on guard. I wasn't though. So when that wind swept through the gardens and stirred up her scent, I reacted purely on instinct.
She was in my arms before I could think about it. God she smelled so… mouthwatering. The venom was pooling in my mouth as I clutched her weak human form to me.
The rational part of me was screaming to let her go and run. Run into the forest, find a deer, now. The rational part of me knew what I was doing was terribly wrong, monstrous.
The rational part of me was quickly losing.
I pulled her close with one hand as the other reached up to tip her head a bit, exposing her beautiful creamy neck. I dipped my head down to that smooth expanse of skin and savored the scent. It was so strong, so pure, so delectable. My mouth parted as I prepared to drink deeply the beautiful red liquid that hovered just below the surface.
The monster in me was rejoicing at how easy this was.
Far too easy. I dimly realized that she was clutching desperately at my shirt, holding herself upright against me. She wasn't fighting me. She wasn't struggling at all. She was just trembling ever so slightly against me.
The rational part of me roared to life, fighting the monster with renewed strength. I skimmed my nose up her neck, still monstrously unwilling to relinquish the scent before I pulled back to look in eyes.
Those brown pools were afraid, but not enough. She didn't seem to be as terrified as any rational person would be when faced by something as horrific as myself. Her breath was coming in harsh gasps and her heart was beating rapidly, but it wasn't all fear. There was something else in those glazed-over eyes.
"You aren't fighting very hard," I observed. What was wrong with her? She was clenched in the arms of a man who had been half a second from murdering her – not in cold blood but in rich warm and inviting blood.
A new, foreign hunger made itself present as I realized just how closely she was pressed up against me. This sort of proximity was completely forbidden, even if I were human. Scandalous proximity. Even that couldn't make me let go. I relished the feel of her almost as much as I had savored the scent of her blood.
"I trust you."
That could make me let go. The sound of her perfect voice admitting trust in me had me thrusting her away from my as fast as I could. I held onto her elbows to keep her upright. No other reason. Certainly not because didn't want to lose contact with her deliciously warm body.
"You shouldn't. It isn't right. I'm far too dangerous." Couldn't she understand? Her life was in so much danger. All the time. Simply because of me.
"You've never given me reason not to trust you. You've kept your self-restraint every time you've been tempted. Why shouldn't I trust you?" She was so innocent. And so beautiful.
And so misguided as to my self-control. Didn't she realize that the only thing that saved her just seconds before was her own lack of struggle? If she had fought me, she would be dead right now.
The thought cut me in a way no blade forged by man ever could. The idea of her, cold and lifeless on the damp ground, was anathema to me. I had to make her understand. I had to make her realize just how much danger I put her in. I couldn't kill her. I had to make her afraid so she could help me not kill her.
"You shouldn't trust me because next time I might lose that restraint. I don't have perfect self-control. Next time I might kill you." Why couldn't she see?
But of course, she couldn't. "You won't kill me. I have faith in you."
Faith. She has faith in me, she says. I had faith in my own monstrosity to overcome my better instincts nine times out of ten where she was concerned.
A few more discouraging words to her, and I was gone. I could barely keep from sprinting back into the house. I needed to talk to Alice. And then I needed to hunt.
Alice was in Bella's room, waiting.
"Go hunt, silly brother of mine. We'll be waiting when you return." She had her back to me. I tried to listen to her thoughts, but she blocked me.
La demoiselle partie, la dame réfléchit. Elle aurait aimé savoir comment la demoiselle pouvait lui prouver l'existence d'un chevalier meilluer que son mari…
I growled in frustration. I hated when she blocked her thoughts.
I made her aware of what had transpired, but she just nodded and continued with her inner storytelling. Realizing that I had little time before Bella would arrive, I made sure Alice would follow the rest of my instructions from this morning. It seemed my prior plans were still on, despite my monstrous actions from earlier. Alice would not be swayed, this I knew.
I threw myself from Bella's window and took off running as soon as I hit the ground. I leapt over the garden walls and disappeared into the forest.
I needed to slake my thirst. I could not hurt her. I could not. I would not allow myself to even let her so much as get a scratch. Any harm to her was too much harm.
Three deer later, I collapsed beneath a tree. I couldn't get her out of my head. The feel of her in my arms, warms hands clutching to me in desperation, it was all too much. I wanted more than her blood, that much was certain. I wanted her blood, and her mind, and her body. Which I wanted most I wasn't sure.
I had never felt so monstrous in all my long years.
So there you have it. Edward in all his messed-up, angsty glory. Sorry if he doesn't live up to your expectations.
The passage Alice was thinking actually came from a story about a knight of Arthur that I found in an old French literature book my teacher gave me. I thought it was fitting, considering it has to do with knights and marriage... Anyway!
If you don't here from me for a while, don't despair. And if you get angry, just remember that I'm probably starving to death in Shanghai somewhere. That ought to cheer you right up!
Much Love,
Joshua Lawrence "of Arabia" Chamberlain
(OnlyOneSymptom)