Rated M

New Beginning: The Same Refrain

Chapter 10

Poppy had been horrified to see Severus's condition. He was indeed exhausted. He was malnourished, and not just from four days of not eating. She guessed he had not eaten properly for a long time, perhaps in all the years since leaving school.

She could do nothing for his old scars. However, she knew the unseen scars cut the deepest. It would take time, she told Albus, time before the memories would fall in to place. Time before his mind allowed the terrors to revisit him and allow his memories back in without the original pain.

"It is not unusual Headmaster," Poppy explained. "Many children forget their whole childhood. Their small minds cannot accept or sort out the pain so they shut it out completely. Severus is an experienced and powerful wizard in Occlumency, I am sure that this is not merely coincidence."

"Occlumency?" Albus puzzled. "I am sure that his prowess only benefits him."

"He learned to build walls young." Poppy looked down at Severus's school chart she had dug out. "He was already building his walls back when he was a student. We just did not know how well he was hiding."

"That would explain why the Slytherin house seems better at controlling the mind than others," Albus said thoughtfully.

"Do not forget your own past Albus." Poppy flipped the pages of the file. "How long have you blocked out the accident that befell you little sister? You were an adult but you claim you still can not remember exactly what happened."

"Have you given him a potion?" Albus changed the topic quickly, wondering if his sister had done the same thing, only not as effectively as Severus had.

"Yes, he will wake in time for morning meal," Poppy said gathering her things to leave. "His memories will be painful, however if he allows them in he will heal."

"I have need of him, "Albus said. "He is the only link we have for when Tom returns."

"Hope he heals before then Albus," Poppy said already at the door. "If he does not it will not be only Tom's madness that you should fear."

Severus woke in the morning. He did not know how much time had passed. Looking at the clock and seeing the time at 5:16 he was not sure if it was day or night as the dungeons were as dark at noon as they were at midnight. He sat up grabbing his towel from where it had fallen and looked slowly around. His mouth felt fuzzy and rank. Running his hand over his face, he felt the stubble of at least a day's growth.

This is how he searched for time now; he had been counting his days by the times that he shaved, but found it no longer worked. He walked back to the bathroom to shave and brush his teeth again. He thought he had just done this.

"Sirs?" Mille peeked in the room hearing him stir.

"You." Severus stood and frowned down at the creature. "Get me a cup of tea."

"Yes Sirs." Millie popped off and had a pot of tea and toast waiting when he came out of the shower.

"Toast?" Severus scowled at the tray on the coffee table in front of the sofa. "Morning then."

"Yes Master Sirs." Millie looked at him confused.

"What day is it?" Severus ran a hand though his hair as he sat down.

"Friday Sirs," Millie answered in a small voice.

"No wonder I am hungry." He said turning to the elf. "Is this all you could get from the kitchen? Toast?"

"No Sirs. Headmaster said you is to eats in the Great Hall." Millie hung her ears.

"Fine," Severus spat.

Severus ate his toast and drank the tea. He looked over at the clock again and frowned. Jumping up he hurried into this bedchamber and grabbed the empty vials he knew he would find there, uncorking them and smelling to find what they had given him. He had only spent one night with out dreams in months. Hannah was not here, he must have had potions poured down his throat when he was unaware. The Headmaster, the interfering old fool had taken it on himself to do this.

He dressed in the clothes Millie had cleaned for him the previous day and headed out of his chamber to walk the hallways. He stepped out to the familiar stone floors and let his feet lead him on the walk he had taken hundreds of times before. He stood outside his own First Year potions classroom and could not resist opening the door and looking in. It was here he had fallen in love with potions. The room that gave him peace and the only measure of tranquillity he had ever found now mocked him.

He looked around remembering he had sat in the fourth seat, the third tier up. He had a new leather bound journal. It was black, and the corner held his initials. He would run his hand along the smooth leather and smell its musty scent and dream of belonging to this world far away from Spinners End. Lily had sat in the fifth row, second tier up. She turned and smiled at him and giggled. She had a new haircut, and wore new robes. Lily was from up the hill and eleven blocks over from Spinners End, away from its horrors and out of his reach.

Severus shut the door on his memories and hurried down the hall toward the main doors to walk the grounds. He did not walk toward the lake, and avoided Hagrid's hut. The lake belonged to the rich kids with friends, new robes and pure blood. Witches could ride on a pure blood arm, until they either ran back to the castle in tears or enticed a wizard to love them. Lily was no fool, she had grabbed hold of Potter and never let go. She had ridden the rickety cart clear up the hill and became part of this world never to feel the fall. She would never worry again about how close she had been to Spinners End.

Severus walked down to the pitch and around the stands. He enjoyed the silence and looked near the edge of the forest where the raspberries grew wild. Only dried husks and shrivelled leaves were there now, it was too late in the season, too late to taste the sharp sweetness. He looked up at the raising sun and returned to the castle feeling a calmness, and thinking for the first time that he may be able to do this.

He entered the Great Hall and found the table set for four. Only Poppy and Minerva would be joining the Headmaster in his inane conversations. Severus wanted only to eat.

He sat silently and did not bother to greet the others as they came in. When the plates of food arrived, he did not politely wait to take his portions last. He filled his plate and fell into the food with a hunger he had not felt for a long time. He thought of pickles and hard bread, as he ate eggs and toast, and reached for more bacon. When the smell of soup form a tin came to him he threw his fork down, and pushing his chair back hurried from the room.

He made it to his chamber in time to retch his breakfast back into the toilet. Sitting on the hard cold floor, wiping his face with a wet flannel pushed into his hand by Millie, he gasped for air and thought of Hannah and Spinners End. He thought of Narcissa and after cleaning his mouth and smoothing his hair went to the lab to brew.

He opened the cupboards and took out the familiar ingredients, lining them up in the order he added them to his caldron. He logged the potion in a large book kept on the first shelf to the left and immersed himself so completely he forgot the passage of time and the fact that Lily was on the inside of his eye lids again, and peeking over his shoulder.

For the next two weeks, he spent every waking hour in the lab brewing. He joined the others at meal times, taking small portions, and eating silently. Term was to begin in four days.

"Professor Snape?" Minerva stood at the labs door one day as term drew near.

"Yes, Professor McGonagall." Severus was pouring the last of the infirmary's potions in the vials. "I shall be done in just a moment if you would care to wait in my office."

Minerva turned to step back into the office. Severus was one mined when in his element and did not like to be disturbed. She would just wait for him, no matter how long it took.

"Professor," he said walking in the office an hour later and standing stiffly. "I assume Millie delivered my lesson plans."

"Yes, they are satisfactory." She nodded. "I have taken the liberty of depositing one half of the year's salary into you account. I have noticed that you did not seem to see fit to bring any of you personal effects with you."

Severus frowned at her. He had destroyed his belongings in an attempt to rid himself of his past, and in his mind to prepare for his death. He would feel foolish to admit such a thing in front of this witch, so said nothing. He missed his books, but the rest he had not thought of until now.

"The Headmaster has asked me to give you this." She handed him a scrape of parchment with apparation coordinates written down. "You have not been out of this place of almost three weeks. Perhaps you would like to visit a friend before the start of term."

Severus looked down at the scrape of parchment and knew this would take him to Hannah. He saw Hannah as he had told her he wanted to remember her, and almost smiled. When he brought his head up to look at Minerva, he saw she had gone. He did not know how long he had stood there trying to remember Hannah. He thought he would go to Diagon Alley and buy new robes and perhaps some Muggle clothes in case he had need. He looked again at the coordinates and hurried to get ready.

He ordered five sets of robes for class, and two sets of dress robes for the special occasions he knew would come. He picked up some relaxed slacks and two black silk shirts thinking that Narcissa would complain if she saw him dressed for work. He ordered extra shirts, nightclothes, a bathrobe, socks and boxers. He sat through fitting for a new pair of boots and an extra pair of shoes. He watched the clock and finally ordered everything sent to Hogwarts and billed his account for his purchases.

The Muggle store in Kensington would only be open for one more hour. He hurried in time to purchase what he needed with the money he had exchanged at Gringotts earlier that day, and changing in the loo hurried to an apparation point. He frowned as he spun on his heel to the coordinates he had seen.

Severus looked around when he landed behind a low stone wall. Looking to the west, he saw the green fields fall away to the blue grey of the sea. He turned to the north and looked down a sloping road the saw a small village laying open on the curve of the road. He started towards it not seeing any other buildings near. The first structure in the town was the local pub. Thinking he may be able to ask after Hannah, he entered the almost empty public house and stepped up to the bar. That is when he saw her carrying a tray to a table at the back.

He watched her set the plates of food around the table, and the way she smiled. She looked up to the clock on the wall and sighed as she turned to the kitchen. Severus could only stand and watch her. Now that he was here he did not know what to say, or how to approach her. Suddenly at a loss, he was about to turn and leave when a woman in black trousers and a menu in her hands walked up to him.

"We close the kitchen in half hour. Will you be having something light this evening?" She smiled and led him to a table.

"A pint and soup," he smirked. "You do have soup, do you not?"

"Today it's chicken, chicken soup," she smiled. "We also have stew left if you would prefer."

"No, soup is fine," he said, wondering if it came from a tin.

Hannah came out of the kitchen a few minutes later again with the large tray thrown up on her shoulder. She walked over to his table and put the bowl down then looking up to ask if he wanted anything else she froze.

"Miss Haywood," he said, looking into her eyes as if to make sure they were the same.

"Severus," she said at loss for words. "I did not expect to see you again."

"I had hoped we could talk." He felt uncomfortable and could only stare at her. "If you would prefer not, I will…"

"Don't be a horse's arse." She smiled at him. "I said I did not expect to see you, not that I didn't want to."

"Perhaps when you are off work?" Severus did not know if she would prefer he wait or collect her later.

"I only have that one table over there to clear," she said laughing at the relief that came over his face. "That and the table some bloke just sat at for a bowl of soup."

"Is there some place we can go?" He picked up his spoon, and began poking into the bowl.

"I took a room down the street, but I am not allowed callers," she blushed, and looked back to the table in the back. "Really, we can just walk. I have been wondering how you are."

"Ann," a surly voice called to her, "how about some attention over here?"

"That's me, I am not Hannah here." She reached out and placed her hand on his shoulder. "Fifteen minutes."

He watched as she hurried over to the table in the back not liking the way they had spoken to her. Then turning back to his thin soup he ate, determined not to lose his temper in the Muggle world. He would not allow his anger to come to the top and roll over, he would not.

He reached for the drink she had placed in front of him and scowling pushed it away. He would not drink tonight. He could not risk it, not with Hannah so close. He wanted to talk to her, to be with her. He did not plan to touch her; he did not trust himself even if it was only a pint.

"Ready?" Hannah said standing with her jumper over her arm looking down at him, more at ease seeing him push the drink away.

"Yes." He tossed money on the table to cover the bill, stood, taking her elbow and led her to the door.

He made it at least five steps from the door before he felt his arms reach for her and pull her to him. He let the air out of his lungs that he had been holding in since he had seen her with the tray.

"I am sorry Hannah," he said into her hair, "I keep doing this."

He smirked as he stepped away and lowered his arms. Taking up her elbow, they began walking back up the sloping road where he first appeared. Reaching the field, he stepped behind the stone fence and sat on the ground with his back to the wall. He pulled her hand, bringing her down to sit next to him.

"I think this may be more appropriate than sneaking into you room," he smirked.

"You seem better, but changed somehow." She crossed her legs and tucked her skirt down into the diamond of her legs.

"I am at a new position. I am still adjusting to the restraints on my time," he said looking at her. "I needed to see you, to apologize for my behaviour."

"No, you have nothing to apologize for." She knitted her brow together. "Are you still with the other one?"

Severus felt his chest constrict and thought of the Dark Lord, he quickly jumped to his feet and turned to glare at her. How dare she ask, how dare she think he had returned to his cause.

"Severus?" she said looking up innocently. "What is wrong?"

"I think I should take my leave," he tried to swallow his anger.

Hannah got up ignoring her skirt that rose up showing him her thighs and a glimpse of white lace.

"Now what have I said?" she said harshly, feeling tears coming. "I am sorry I called him. I thought he could help."

"Who?" He felt his head spinning, knowing he had said the wrong thing again.

"Your Headmaster. Who did you think I was talking of?" She stood in front of him unsure.

"Hannah," he said, "I misunderstood. I seem to do that a lot lately."

"Let's keep walking." She reached up and grabbed his arm, pulling him back on the road. Walking back, the way they had come she smiled up at him.

"Why did you come here?" Severus asked. "I thought you were working at the foundry. In the office you said."

"Yeah, I said that," she said as she reddened. "I didn't want you to know I served drinks to loud mouth lushes. I guess I wanted you to think I was better than I am. My father is dead. I told that old man that I was leaving to see him. I just felt like starting new and getting away from Spinners End."

"Your work is honest. There is no shame in it." He looked at her with a raised eyebrow.

"You a Master in Chemistry," she said looking away. "I quit school at sixteen. We needed the money, and Jack had already left."

"You know the truth Hannah," he said, stopping and turning her to meet his eyes. "I am a Master. However I am a Master in Potions, not Muggle Chemistry."

"It's the same thing," she said, "you still have your Master's, and you still went to school."

"In my world one becomes an apprentice and works toward the degree. Then after passing an exam the degree is granted." He frowned at her. "You understand that I live in a different world."

"Let's not talk about that," she said quickly. "For tonight let's pretend you won't be leaving and that you can stay here."

"No," Severus said seriously. "I want you to understand completely. If you do not I must leave now."

"Then can we just not talk of it tonight?" She pleaded. "Can we just walk?"

"Yes." He took her arm up again. "We can just walk."