Forgive me for this only getting a single update this week - real life and all that crap . . .
Chapter Ten: I would do anything; I'm dying to live again.
"I don't know – I don't know . . . but the last time I heard those names . . . Castle and I were working with the CIA.
Esposito and Ryan stare at her wordlessly for long moments – some strange combination of shock and resentment visible on both of their faces.
And yeah – she remembers how the guys were so left out of the loop on that case – and yeah she very vividly recalls just how much they hated it – they never made any secret about that. And even weeks later there were still odd moments of awkwardness between the four members of their team, the resentment taking its sweet time to dissipate completely.
Ryan is the first one to swallow it now as that resentment tries once again to rears its ugly head. He's the one who pushes them past it.
"Funny. Castle so loves his CIA theories – how strange this is going to be if it turns out now that they're the ones behind all this?"
Its true and enough to make the others smile – Castle himself would love this – if he were here.
Espo looks thoughtful.
"Okay – so he's deliberately pointed you at the CIA with this, but is it just a plot twist in the book itself. Some sort of homage to secrecy, like an 'in-joke' only a handful of people would ever get. Or – is this him pointing you at the CIA?" He says – looking to her for the clarification.
Beckett shakes her head helplessly. Her heart and her gut can't decide as yet – but her head – her head tells her it's the second one. That it's her partner pointing her at the CIA.
"My guess . . . "She answers. "I'm gonna say the latter. A plot twist and an inside joke is one thing, but under these circumstances – Castle wouldn't be messing around. Hell I have no idea why information is even coming like this. If he can send us a communication – why not just make it a straight forward accounting of where the hell he is and what's going on? Why hide the information in a book - in a story? For God's sake he's risking it being missed." Her voice rises at the end with sheer frustration; both her hands tangle themselves in the wavy mass of her hair.
"Isn't it obvious? He simply can't have been given any other choice." Ryan says confidently, earnest blue gaze moving back and forth between his partners as if they're crazy for not seeing that. "If he could phone, or text or simply send us information directly – we all know he'd do it in a heartbeat and not because of us but because of his daughter. He'd never play games with Alexis . . . he'd know how she's faring with this. And you Kate – Castle would move mountains to make sure you knew he was safe. If there is any information here – if he's had to hide it – then he had no choice. And think about it – this was sent to Gina – so he even hid its true destination – even as he must have been hoping Gina would know his work well enough to see the manuscript was his and would therefore act to pass it along to us."
Espo nods.
"Yeah good point bro. And thankfully - she did."
Beckett is nodding in agreement, but then she noticeably pales as a somewhat scary thought occurs to her.
"Then it also follows that Rick isn't just trying to tell us who took him but he must be worried about who's looking for him?"
Ryan's eyes light up as he latches onto her thought.
"Yeah . . . yeah." He says thoughtfully. "Maybe that is the reason for all the cloak and dagger here – maybe that's exactly why he has to hide so cleverly what he's trying to tell us? Because Castle's unsure of whom he can trust."
Tears prick at the back of Beckett's eyes and she paces pulling at her hair. On top of everything else she's been carrying for the last five months - suddenly the weight of responsibility on her now feels tripled.
And Castle's manuscript . . . both a lifeline . . . and a beautiful, doubled-edge sword.
She's on the one hand thrilled and relieved and happy – so happy to have some sort of proof that there is a good chance Rick is still alive – but on the other . . . with everything being so cryptic – what if she misses something? What if that something is vital? What if she lets him down? She can't let him down – she can't – she can't . . . she can't . . . she can't live without him. She should be able to – but the last few months have clearly proven to her that the bottom line is . . . she cannot.
Kate can feels her vision tunneling slightly as her heart rate suddenly elevates and the tension always present in her muscles these days begins to cause her fingers to twitch. Her respiration gets shallow . . . and then rapid, fear a rising tidal wave inside her and then she feels it . . . registers it - a strong hand on her arm.
Her vision clears quickly, and Kate looks to her left as Ryan's grasp on her forearm moves lower until he can hold her hand – almost crushing her smaller fingers in his tight, reassuring grip. He doesn't say anything – he just physically anchors her – and the panic recedes . . . as swiftly as it came it disappears back inside her, and she pushes it deep down, deep, deep down – her control returning.
She manages a small smile – nothing more than a mere upturning of one side of her mouth – but its enough to let Ryan know he can let her go now – that the panic has been shelved.
"What next?" Espo asks her quietly.
She can't think – her thoughts are disjointed and just whirling.
So when she's mute just a fraction too long, it's Ryan who steps up again.
"We get back to reading this thing – all three of us. And we should be making notes, separately I think would be best. That way we can compare them in the morning or something – once we've all finished it, three views from three sets of eyes." He says confidently but looking over at Kate for confirmation that she's with him here on how best to proceed.
She nods her agreement, because Ryan is right – and he's thinking clearly. Latching onto the obvious 'references' within Castle's work and trying to make sense of them without the entire context of the story itself is probably not smart. If Castle has truly had to hide stuff – like she said earlier on, then the narrative itself could be as important a clue as any singular 12th precinct related detail.
She has to let the story be her focus – the details will come.
She resolutely takes the few strides that will put her back at her desk again, and swallowing around the ever-present lumps in her throat she forces herself to sit back down – pick up the pages . . . and go forward onto chapter five.
A yellow legal pad is slapped down onto the worn surface of her desk next to her.
"Notes - Beckett." Espo hisses at her sternly – so she makes him smile by rolling her eyes at him.
Then she dutifully grabs a pen from the mug full of them that sits in front of her, and she tugs the legal pad to her right side. Beckett focuses on the opening sentence of the books next segment and she sighs.
Five o'clock rolls around all too quickly and Kate is battling frustration again – with herself this time because she has only managed to make it though to chapter number ten. Her legal pad now has random observations scrawled over a full three pages but she's finding herself mentally seconding guessing now every damn last one of them. And this is totally what's responsible for making the reading process so painfully slow.
Under normal circumstances she'd let herself just get lost within it – and it's been excruciatingly hard for her not to. She wants to let his carefully chosen words and snappy dialogue carry her off in the company of his breathtaking and imaginative versions of them – their 'alternate world'. The one where Nikki is just tougher, stronger and far more open – more whole than Kate has hopes of being and where Rook is less innocent and more seasoned – more physically capable of protecting himself than she dares to believe of Castle.
Ideally she'd have managed to finish the book already – an unrealistic wish perhaps, but she can't contain this weird feeling that time is somehow (– after five months of his absence) suddenly of the essence. And instead of being finished with it she's only a third of the way through – her eyes burning from pouring over the printed pages – her mind horribly fuzzy from trying so hard to glean meaning from the words.
As much as it's killing Kate to admit to it – she needs to take a break.
The dark-haired detective stretches her cramped shoulders, raises her arms high over her head and inhales a deep breath, as much as her lungs can hold. With the air held tightly inside them she refuses to breathe out – becomes focused on her heartbeat instead, on the regular thump of it with the cavity of her chest. It's helpful sometimes, to take a moment and let the dull thud of her heart – the burning of oxygen deprivation act to remind her that she's truly still alive.
Desperately without him . . . but still alive, and as long as he's alive too - out there somewhere . . . she's got hope.
Kate pushes herself up out of her chair and makes her way into the break room. Five minutes later she emerges with a large mug of coffee cradled between her palms. Pausing in the doorway she leans against the solid door frame in relief - lets it hold her up as she scans the bullpen to see what Ryan and Espo are up to.
Sipping at the burning hot beverage she can't help but love that her two partners are still buried in Castle's manuscript at their respective desks. And she knows they've planned to go over it together tomorrow – to sit and compare their notes but she needs to know – her tired mind demands it – that knowledge – of whether or not they've seen something she didn't.
So pushes herself off of the door frame with lots of effort and new found determination, takes the steps that she needs to and sits herself on the edge of Espo's desk.
The Latino detective doesn't notice her immediately, and for that fact alone Kate loves her cop-brother that little bit more. Ryan over at his desk looks up, nods at her and smiles, but Espo – he's writing furiously on his own yellow legal pad – scrawl that she cannot translate but he's clearly taking this all very much to heart.
She clears her throat and he startles next to her – looking up he looks bemused for a second to see her sitting there – but when she says nothing, just takes another sip of her coffee her eyebrow rising, he suddenly gathers the reason for her presence and so he smiles at her.
"Impatient . . . are we?" He says warmly, nudging her knee with this elbow.
Beckett shrugs.
"Yes. I require an update Javi . . . I'm going crazy over there (she nods towards her desk) buried in these chapters all by myself. We can do this properly tomorrow of course – but please tell me you've read something that seems significant?" She looks back over at Ryan. "And that goes for you too." She adds.
Javi purses his lips. "I think I might be reading way too much into everything – I'm only on chapter nine and I kept thinking I see things – so I write them down but then think its just part of the story . . . .I don't know what to tell you honestly Beckett . . . I just don't think I'm good at this – never was much of a reader." He admits.
Kate turns to Ryan.
"What about you?" She asks.
"Gangs running drugs." Ryan replies.
Espo looks back down at his notes and then points excitedly to various different scribbles on the page.
"Yeah bro . . . that . . . that could be something." He says.
Kate frowns, confused.
"Guys . . . I'm not following."
Ryan stands up, brings his own notes over.
"See here on page seventy six, then on eighty one, eighty nine . . . and then again on ninety two and yet again at the bottom of page one-oh-five."
Kate shakes her head. 'See what?"
"It's mentioned blatantly over and over again by each of the main characters and yet seemingly unrelated to their multiple murder investigation – it's so blatant its overkill . . . and that's why it stands out Beckett . . . because he's very subtle in his plots, the clues to the mystery artfully hidden – this is jarring, weirdly not Castle's style."
Kate looks but still she shakes her head – desperate that she cannot see it.
So Ryan goes on.
"On each of these pages a separate character is talking about Rook's disappearance and then each of them hypothesizes the exact same cause for it . . . don't you think that's weird?"
Kate's eyebrows shoot up, eyes startled.
"They do?" She asks. "How did I not see that?"
"Hey . . . until 'Castle-junior' over there mentioned it I didn't realize either that I've noted the same explanation for Rook's suspected abduction five times already."
Kate thinks it over and her eyes light up – excited and terrified in both parts equally.
"You're right." She says voice slightly trembling. "Five characters stating Rook is missing because he got in the way of gang-related drug running in just under thirty pages is way too repetitious – insane even for an author as skilled as Castle. And Rook was on assignment looking into emerald smuggling . . . so their hypotheses doesn't even really make any sense unless . . . unless Castle's trying to tell us that's directly related to what's happened to him!"