AN: Thank you for all the reviews last chapter. I am so excited that you're responding so well to both the fluffy moments and the angst. This chapter lies in the middle of the beginning and the end (wow, how ominous). It takes place the same time as 16x01 Girls Disappeared when Amaro was demoted to work the traffic beat in Queens, except of course for the stuff that happened in 2015. But that's why I've put up timestamps so it's not too confusing. As for the present-day argument that they had... it's almost coming but I've dropped some hints in this chapter so hopefully they'll tide you over until the big reveal. What can I say? I love the slow burn.

Read, enjoy, and review.

September 24, 2014

Driving down side streets in Queens in a patrol car on a hot summer day – not exactly the place he envisioned for himself at forty. Nick Amaro, the man who took down the Mancheno Organization and the MS13 case, reduced to pulling over drivers rolling stop signs. Nick Amaro, the former respected SVU detective, reduced to being a glorified meter maid.

Spring was a tornado building slowly over time, and he was at the eye of the storm. It must've started when Maria left him and took his daughter to D.C. Then the wind started picking up when William Lewis abducted his partner. Debris and wreckage joined into the mix when he shot that fourteen year-old boy and crippled him for life. Then it all must've risen to the crescendo when he made that split decision to crush Simon Wilkes skull right outside a schoolyard. Sent to jail, forced to wear an orange jumpsuit, and subject yet again to criminal charges – that was the story of his life.

Even when Munch bailed him out and Wilkes' admitted he had taken the first shot, which came completely out of left field, things weren't going back to normal. Not that he recognized normal anymore. It's been a while. Maria had taken their daughter ever further away from him. Predictably, hearing about his attack on Wilkes only spurred his ex-wife into leaving the East Coast sooner, telling him he wasn't to see Zara until he got his life in order. "I'm not letting her see you like this." He tried to argue with her, but the harder he tried the more he was proving her point. He was a mess and Zara seeing him in this state was only going to break his little girl's heart.

Amidst all the darkness, the only light that seemed to bloom in his life was Amanda Rollins. It started out as this dazed and awkward exchange at her apartment, which led to an unexpected sleepover. Then, they did that whole will-they or won't-they dance; but the attraction was just too strong and they found themselves ignoring reason and fear, choosing instead to follow lust and convenience. They kept it under wraps, fearing the inevitable office shake-up and imminent transfer that would have to occur had their dalliance been discovered. But Nick knew – hell, she even told him herself – that they can't tell anyone because this wasn't really going anywhere. There was no need for anyone else to jump aboard this already sinking ship.

They found each other in dark times and that's really all it was – this mutual understanding and need for comfort that was delivered by sex. Really, really good sex. So good that it became a regular occurrence to wake up drenched in sweat, heart racing in the middle of the night because he'd been dreaming about her. Blonde hair fanning across the pillow while he was moving inside her. That shape she made with her mouth when he brought her to the edge. The way her irises turned a deep shade of indigo when she dove over that edge with him, fingers intertwined, arms outstretched over her head. He used to always forget his dreams – but these ones were shouting from the rooftops; they wanted to be recognized.

Back in May, Murphy got this bright idea – he was full of bright ideas – to chase after Johns who downloaded and shared kiddie torture porn. That was how the Simon Wilkes Case landed on their desks. And no, he wasn't blaming Murphy for introducing him to the sick bastard. And he wasn't blaming Maria's announcement of their move to LA for triggering him. Nick only had himself to blame. It took several days in a cell, a heart-to-heart with Munch, and a few sessions in anger management to swallow his pride and realize it was all on him. No doubt, Wilkes deserved every punch. But Nick should have just walked away. The right thing would have been to just walk away.

"They don't teach you everything at the academy," Nick started. "The best way to win some fights is to never have them."

Officer Maresko gave him a wry look. "They brainwash you at anger management?" Her new partner was working those sessions religiously, she thought to herself. Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at 6PM. Amaro was never late for any of his appointments, and he came back to the 116 the next day with a new nugget of wisdom to add to her collection.

Nick chuckled. "Fine, try it the hard way." They continued driving down the street until they spotted a minivan parked against a fire hydrant. The windows were halfway down and they could see the driver had his mouth open, his hands pushing something down on his lap. Nick saw the dark head of curls bobbing up and down, and he got the idea. "Now, lesson two, what's wrong with this picture?"

He parked the car behind the minivan. The two officers stepped out, followed protocol, and asked the driver for his license and registration. Turned out, the girl who was servicing him was underage… and a runner. She didn't get too far before Nick caught up with her. He tried to calm her down as she cried in hysterics, saying, "he'll friggin' kill me!"

Nick turned back to the cell and approached Luna. He tried to empathize with her and see if she'd divulge any information about her pimp. She wasn't very talkative though. He could sense the fear in her eyes, and in that moment, he felt the anger simmer to the surface. Men taking advantage of women, especially young girls like Luna, made his blood boil. And for the first time since he lost his head and gave Wilkes a concussion and some broken ribs, he felt that sharp edge dig into his skin, provoking him to seek some vigilante justice on this SOB.

He wrapped his fists around the metal bars, sighing when Luna refused to talk. She was calming down though, and she was finally looking him in the eye. Her resolve was slowly withering and she was thinking about trusting him. But he had a feeling it'd be a long process before she finally cracked and gave him some names.

"Luna, we're not gonna let him get to you –"

"Guapo, you done with the empathy thing?" Officer Moresko's voice interrupted his attempt at an interview. He looked up to see his partner being followed into holding by two familiar faces. "We can let this one go."

Nick stood straight when he saw Detectives Tutuola and Rollins walk into the room. His pulse quickened the moment he saw her, but he didn't have enough time to adapt or study that look of surprise on her face.

"What's up, man?" Fin asked. He had a broad smile on his face upon seeing the arresting officer. Talk about a coincidence.

"Yo." Nick said, giving his old co-worker a handshake. "What's up?"

"How are you?" Amanda asked; her eyes lowered slightly. There was a shyness to her voice and upon looking at her, he could tell that she was holding onto a host of other unasked questions. Rightfully so, he owed her a lot of answers.

"Look, I know you called," he started. How was he supposed to get himself out of this one? I'm sorry, but after being released from jail, being demoted, and having my daughter flown to the other side of the country, I kinda felt like a failure and I didn't want you to see me like that. I didn't want to wake up everyday beside you, watch you go to work in my old office, and put away real bad guys (not these guys parking in front of hydrants). I was jealous. My pride and my ego couldn't handle it, so I stopped returning your calls… because, Amanda, I am a spineless coward. Oh, and by the way, the real reason why I probably didn't return you calls was because in the two and a half months we were sleeping together, I may have fallen for you. You told me not to do that, and yet I still did. So yeah… I am a spineless coward. "I've just been busy, you know, pulling as much OT as I can."

Revoke your balls, Amaro.

"We know how it is." Fin tried to reassure him. Amanda just gave him a soft smile for the sake of keeping up appearances. She was really good at that, unlike him. In the months after they first slept together, he found himself staring at her at work to the point where she had to confront him about it. She had to remind him to keep it low-key, because the worst thing that could happen was someone finding out about them. "No one needs to know," she told him in a hushed whisper. "It's not like we're doing this for the long-haul. It's just sex."

She made herself clear. Amanda wasn't in it for anything beyond casual sex, and she seemed to think there was an expiry date to their trysts. Like, they were eventually going to grow bored of amazing, toe-curling, passionate sex. Like, she figured he was eventually going to wise up and move to California, or try it again with Cynthia and Gil. Like, she figured she was going to meet some nice guy, who didn't have a badge, who she could date without worrying about IAB. Amanda convinced herself this was only temporary. Still, all summer she stared at his number on her phone, wondering why the hell he catalyzed the whole thing. The spark, the flame, and just like that, Nick had ended it.

Amanda held onto Luna's wrists and started leading her out of the station. She cast one last glance at Nick, who looked utterly rejected. She felt bad for him. He said he had a rapport with their witness, and asked if he could talk to her; but Luna was in SVU's hands now. There was nothing he could do about it. And she wasn't the one calling the shots either.

Nick watched as Fin and Amanda stepped outside the 116. Maybe he was being too optimistic, hoping he could talk to the witness and work his way back into SVU. But that wasn't going to happen. He was stuck. And Amanda had been here to witness his downfall, and see him scraping the bottom of the barrel. It was all made worse by the way she looked at him with those sorrowful eyes. She pitied him, and it wounded his pride. He needed something to pick him up, so he started for the break room to pick up a can of Explosivo. Then he heard the gunshots.

Amanda.

It was his first thought as he drew his weapon. He rushed outside and heard another series of gunshots. Tires screeched. He whipped his head down the street to see Fin chase after the shooter. His head jerked to the parked cars, looking for Amanda. He saw her crouched behind a car, shielding their witness. Running towards them, he crouched down just enough that he was huddled protectively over the two women.

He heard the smack of body hitting pavement and Fin's distinguishable voice. "Move and I'mma cap your ass."

He breathed a sigh of relief as he looked down and met Amanda's eyes. "You ok?"

"Yeah, she's fine," said Amanda, referring only to Luna. Of course he was worried about the young girl's safety, but the question was really meant for Amanda. He held her eyes for a moment before their attention turned to the rising commotion. Radios were blaring and sirens were wailing. A bus had appeared to pick up the shooter. Nick backed away slightly to give Luna some room to breathe, but he remained close to Amanda.

"They're gonna kill me!" Luna sobbed; body shivering and breaking out into a cold sweat.

Nick placed his hand on her arm and steadied her sobs. "No one's gonna hurt you. We got you covered." Luna looked up at him and her breathing calmed slightly. She grabbed onto the sleeve of his uniform and tried to pull herself off the ground.

He tried to help her get to her feet, but Amanda objected. "Amaro, I got it."

Taking a step back, he watched as Amanda placed Luna in the back of the squad car. She opened the driver's door and looked back at his direction. She was about to say something but she caught sight of Fin heading their way.

"You all right?" Amanda asked her partner.

Nick turned around and saw Fin walking toward them; he was unscathed. "Yeah, I'm fine. I'm goin' with the shooter to Bellevue. You aight takin' her to the precinct?"

Amanda nodded. Fin raised his chin up in Amaro's direction before he walked back towards the ambulance.

"Maybe I should come with you… you don't know if they've still got guys out there waitin' to finish the job."

Amanda's brows knitted together and she frowned. "I'll be fine."

He sighed and conceded defeat. She wasn't going to budge on this one. Amanda didn't budge on anything, really. Besides, what was he supposed to tell his CO anyway? Be right back, gotta make sure my former fuck buddy makes it back in one piece to Manhattan's 16th precinct.

"Can you at least call me when you get to the station?"

She gave him a sheepish smile. "Well, you gonna pick up this time?"

March 2, 2015

"Really?" Nick's brows creased in doubt. "They're positive he was there? Yeah ok… What about CSU?" Amanda cast a sideways glance at him as she parked the car on the side of the street. Nick was on the phone with Liv and it seemed they were getting details about Tom's alibi. It also sounded like CSU came through and the DNA was back on the rape kit. "Yeah… all right… yeah, no, it's fine… Liv, it's handled."

What was handled?

Amanda looked at him skeptically. Nick ended the call and was about to make his way out of the car when she cleared her throat.

"DNA came back and it's a match to Fischer."

Amanda sighed in relief. "That's good, right? We got him."

Nick nodded, but his mouth twisted into a scowl. "Fin checked out his alibi. His roommate and the student organization committee confirmed that Tom was in Philly. It wasn't him."

Amanda's eyes widened as she stared out the windshield in shock. "You mean?"

"She was raped by two different men." Nick sighed. "Now, we have to tell her."

Amanda let out a heavy breath and sank against the driver's seat. She closed her eyes and felt dread wash over her; this wasn't going to be easy telling Lena. The girl was having a rough time as it is, but to learn that two different men assaulted her was going to be challenging on her psyche. Knowing Lena had a history in attempting suicide gave Amanda an uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach.

She opened her eyes when she got the sense that Nick was staring at her. He was waiting for her to move or to say something. She wanted to ask what he meant when he told Liv 'it's handled', but they had to worry about Lena right now. The rest could wait.

Nick and Amanda climbed up the steps to the walk-up apartment. They looked at the list of tenants and saw McElroy/Rodriguez Apartment 3B. He exchanged a glance with Amanda. Lena never mentioned she had a roommate. She pressed the button and within seconds they heard Lena's familiar, soft-spoken voice through the speaker. "Hey, Lena, it's Detective Rollins and Amaro from SVU. We're here for some follow-up questions."

"Um… sure…" She said meekly before she buzzed them in. Amanda pushed the door open and Nick followed her up the three flights of stairs. With a cat on one arm, Lena opened the door to the two detectives and led them into the small living room. She took the chair opposite the loveseat, giving her visitors no choice but to squeeze next to each other. There was no way to avoid all contact as their shoulders and knees touched in this position. Amanda sighed in defeat when she realized that shifting towards the armrest and away from Nick would just be an exercise in futility.

"Lena, you never mentioned you had a roommate," Nick smiled softly, reckoning it'd be wise to ease the tension and talk about something else other than the assaults. His smile turned into a frown when a second cat appeared out of nowhere, slithered against his legs, and climbed up the armrest. Not that he disliked them, but he always considered himself more of a dog person. He knew Amanda didn't trust feline house pets – they were always conspiring against their owners and they always felt entitled to things, unlike dogs, which were friendly and loyal. Where'd he learn that tidbit about her again? Oh yeah, pillow talk.

"Yeah… Hannah," she smiled. "She was my old shift supervisor at the coffee shop where I used to work. I just moved in two months ago. These are her cats, by the way… but I think this one," she lifted the orange tabby up and pressed her cheek against its fur. "This one seems to like me a lot."

Nick smiled at the affection she shared with the cat. Since he'd first seen her hunched down on the street with her tights ripped and tears in her eyes, he hadn't seen Lena smile. It was good to see this side of her, even if it was only masking all the pain she must've been feeling. He looked over his shoulder to see Amanda's eyes wide as a third cat took its place in the armrest beside her. Both gray cats sat stoic like two Royal Guards.

"You said you had more questions?"

"Lena," Amanda started. "Do you remember posting in the Grayson Hall Facebook page the summer before your freshman year?"

She chuckled softly. "Do I? I spent hours writing that lame introductory post, hoping people would want to be my friend once school started… I know it's really stupid." Lena smiled shyly.

"Hey, we all wanna make a good impression," Amanda smiled reassuringly. "So, do you remember seeing a similar post from Tom?"

Lena swallowed hard at the mention of his name. She shook her head.

"He posted a month before you did," Nick said, handing her a sheet of paper with a screenshot of their posts side by side. Lena skimmed the page and her brows knitted in confusion. "All those things he said to you when you met, all those things you had in common – it was all a front."

"No… No… That can't be… He knew so much…"

"He was very meticulous, Lena. He followed your online accounts and we think he had access to your online journal. We're having TARU go through his online history right now." Amanda explained.

"My journal? It's password-protected." Lena asked surprised.

Nick nodded. "We suspect he was able to hack into your livejournal account, and that's why he knew all this information about you. That's how he knew you were starting this new job."

Lena set the cat down and she stood up and started pacing the room. She held her palm against her forehead. "He had me fooled… all this time?" She could feel the blood drain from her face. "That's how he knew… I just made an entry about being being such a loser, cryin' behind the stacks in the library… He must've seen it! That's how he knew I was coming from the library! That's how he raped me!" She broke out into heaving sobs.

Amanda swallowed hard as she stood up and walked towards Lena. She wasn't sure if now would be the best time to tell her, but they had to do their job at some point. She exchanged a look with Nick and he lifted his chin slightly, giving her the go-ahead to tell her. This wasn't going to be easy. She stroked the younger girl's back until she felt her sobs quiet down.

"Lena, there's something we have to tell you," Amanda began. "Tom had an alibi for October 6th 2010, and it checked out."

She could feel the girl's back tense under her hands. Lena looked up, her eyes full of horror. "No… No… Are you saying?"

Amanda nodded somberly. "It wasn't Tom who raped you the first time. But we've got him for the second… he's not going to hurt you anymore, Lena."

"But… but… the first rapist… he's still out there! He's still out there hurting other girls! Why don't you get him? Why don't you get him?" Lena shoved Amanda. She braced herself on the floor but Lena just pushed again. Nick stepped up and pulled her away from Amanda. They both knew she just assaulted an officer, but from the look on the blonde detective's face, she didn't want to pursue anything. She understood where Lena was coming from. She understood Lena was under a lot of stress. Nick held onto Lena and tried to calm her, telling her to breathe. She was shaking in his arms, tears spilling from her bloodshot eyes.

Just then, the door opened and a blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl walked into the apartment. The cats bound towards her but she stood frozen as she looked startled at the scene in her living room. Amanda stood up and flashed the badge on her belt. "Detective Rollins," she introduced herself, then pointed towards the other stranger in the room. "Detective Amaro. We're from SVU."

"SVU?" She asked, looking absolutely bewildered. She then looked at Lena and her face fell. The blonde girl ran up to Lena and embraced her, letting the brunette sob into her arms. She stroked the back of her hair and looked up to the detectives; her kind blue eyes full of concern for her friend. She led Lena to the loveseat and held her hand. Nick and Amanda stood across from them and looked at the outpouring of love and support she showered the crying girl.

Once Lena had quieted her sobs, the blonde girl extended her arm out to shake both detectives' hands. "I'm Hannah McElroy… Lena's roommate."

They shook hands. Nick looked at her curiously. There was something about her that looked oddly familiar, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it.

"What's this about, detectives?"

Amanda looked at Lena, who nodded. "You can tell her. I trust Hannah."

Amanda explained the case to Hannah without rehashing the more painful details. Hannah squeezed Lena's hands whenever a sob broke out, punctuating the retelling of events. "Lena, just one more question… did you ever tell Tom about the first rape? Or did you write about it in your livejournal?"

Lena pressed her lips together and looked blankly at Amanda. "After it happened, I only told Lauren and she told me the best way to deal with it was to pretend nothing happened… So I pretended everything was fine, but I wrote these entries about being a victim, and wishing I stopped waking up… I thought I was covering it up well, but Tom noticed something was off and he asked me if something had happened. Now that I know he read my journal… it makes sense… He knew. I never told him I was raped, but he knew." She narrowed her eyes and shrugged. "I never told him what happened but he was still there to console me and make me feel better, without ever giving me the impression that I owed it to him to tell him… you know? I thought that was really sweet of him."

Nick chanced a look at Amanda and felt his insides turn when she wiped a stray tear from the corner of her eyes. She crossed her arms over her chest and clenched her fists, rocking back and forth from her heels to the balls of her feet. What Lena said – it hit home for her, just as it did for him.

"But I guess, he knew all along…"

Hannah led Lena into one of the bedrooms before she returned to the living room to join Nick and Amanda. "I'm sorry, detectives, but she's real shaken up. When she's ready, I'll bring her to the station so you can finish the rest of your questions.

Amanda nodded, glancing at the door and hoping Lena would persevere. "I think we got all we needed, but here's my card," she handed it over to Hannah. "If she remembers anything, tell her to give me a call."

Hannah placed the card in her pocket. She clasped her hands together as she noticed the female detective stare warily at the door. "She'll be ok, Detective Rollins," Hannah smiled weakly. "Lena's strong… she's the one who gave me strength after my assault."

Nick and Amanda blinked back in shock.

Hannah wiped the tears threatening to spill and looked from one detective to the next. "I was closing up and I got one last customer. Turns out he didn't want coffee," she chuckled humorlessly. "I was a shell and… Lena… the shy, quiet girl who worked the morning shifts… she noticed. She knew that I was assaulted because it happened to her, too." Hannah's lip quivered and she finally let the tears fall from her eyes. "She saved me. She knew what to say so I'd stop having those thoughts… you know? Thoughts that I'd be better off dead…"

Amanda placed her hands in her coat pocket and squeezed hard. If she just concentrated on that, then maybe the tears threatening to escape her eyes wouldn't make itself evident.

"She told me that it wasn't my fault… that if I'm strong enough to stand up after what he did to me, then I've already made it past the worst part. I had the strength to wake up the day after the attack, so I've got it in me to keep waking up day after day… I can't let him win. I'm the stronger person…"

Amanda took a step forward and placed a comforting hand on Hannah's shoulder. "You'll both get through this."

Hannah gave a somber nod and then smiled softly. "Yeah... we will... she... she's resilient…"

"You'll keep an eye on her?" Amanda asked, nodding towards the door.

"Yeah… I owe her that much."

"Thank you." Nick said, stepping forward and seeing the sincerity in Hannah's eyes. Lena had it rough when it came to friendships. She was an introverted girl with social anxiety, who desperately wanted to make friends. She thought she had a friend in her old roommate, Lauren, but when things got tough, Lauren made a break for it. Tom had fooled her and pretended to be a good friend, only to hurt her in the worst way imaginable. Now, she had Hannah, a benevolent and sincere person with a good heart. She was the friend Lena needed, especially in this moment. And while Nick's heart still ached for Lena and the pain she was going through, he knew she'd be ok.

Amanda walked down the narrow hallway followed by Nick, Hannah, and the two gray cats. The orange one must've snuck into Lena's bedroom to give her some much-needed comfort. It warmed Amanda's heart. She still didn't trust them, but she thought that one was pretty loyal.

Nick stopped in his tracks when he spotted a picture on the shelf by the door. Hannah furrowed her brows as Nick studied the picture of a much younger Hannah and what looked like her mother. They both had the same blonde hair, blue eyes, and brilliant smile. "Something the matter?" she asked.

He turned back to look at Hannah and his eyes widened. "You're Brooke McElroy's daughter?"

"You know my mom?"

Nick chuckled and shook his head. "Yeah, we went to St. Jude's together."

"No kiddin'?" she smiled, looking up at the corny studio portrait she had taken with her mom ten years ago when she was fifteen. Her mom practically begged her to go have those pictures taken so they had something to send to family for Christmas.

"Small world," Nick smiled, before he started heading out behind Amanda.

Hannah stood by the door and watched as the detectives retreated out the hallway. "Wait!" She called out and they both looked up. "Detective Amaro, what's your first name? Um… I'll tell my mom you stopped by… see if she remembers you… I'm sure she does." Hannah bit her lip and smiled at the handsome detective.

"It's Nick," he smiled shyly. "But I doubt she remembers… I was never really in her... radar"

September 28, 2014

He called.

She answered.

They only exchanged a few words because the shooting had caused chaos in both squad rooms. She assured him they were back safe in the precinct and Luna was in the interview room. Then he thanked her. Amanda wasn't really sure why Nick was thanking her. Was it thanks for calling? Thanks for letting me know you're safe? Thanks for giving me a chance after I royally fucked up when I didn't return your calls?

Amanda was never one to dwell on the details or to hold a grudge. In fact, some would argue her biggest problem was that she freely let people who've hurt her waltz into and out of her life. She hated it, and it made her nauseous just thinking about these people. But she would rather risk having these people disturb her peace than air out their dirty laundry and cause a scene. Because if there's one thing history taught her it's that when a woman accuses a man of something, society's always got more to say about how the woman brought it upon herself.

If you pretend long enough, it's like nothing ever happened.

So maybe that's why she let Nick back into the fold so easily. If she pretended he didn't hurt her when he ignored her all summer, then she could have him back around. Who cares if he made her cry that one night after too many glasses of whiskey and she made the mistake of watching Blue Valentine on Netflix? If she pretended like it never happened, pretended she didn't cry herself to sleep, then he could waltz back into her life with no excuses or apologies needed. No harm, no foul.

To be fair to Nick, they never discussed the nature of their relationship, so he wasn't exactly obligated to stick around. Part of her felt like maybe it was her fault for pushing him away. She kept emphasizing the need to keep things under wraps, and he agreed with her. But she did see the disappointment in his face when she added the part about it being temporary. It's no big deal, Nick. But by the look in his deep, brown eyes she knew it meant more to him than he was letting on. That should've been her cue to cut and run, but she was lonely and… selfish.

So after their tumultuous case that had Nick going undercover as a crooked cop and ending in a spray of bullets in front of Angel Perez' house, Amanda picked up the phone when his name flashed on the screen. She stared at the candid picture she took of Nick and Frannie. She mentally cursed herself. What if someone from the office had seen this picture flash on her phone? What would they say? Hey, what's Amaro doin' on your couch, lookin' comfy, and playin' with your dog? She imagined it'd be the new, mustachioed guy to ask that.

She ended the call and sighed as she curled up on her couch, stroking the back of Frannie's perked up ears. Amanda sipped on her mug of coffee. It was half past nine and it probably wasn't wise to be having caffeine at this hour, but she had a feeling she wouldn't get much sleep tonight. The case had been so intense and had put them all on edge. She felt like she needed another 48 hours before she could relax and readjust her circadian rhythm. She cast a look outside her window and saw the red and blue lights reflect off her windowpane. Another criminal caught red-handed by New York's finest. She rolled her eyes at the stale slogan, but then she got an idea.

Picking up her phone, she started a new message.

"Don't change."

She clicked send. The blue speech bubble was sent into the stratosphere, bounced off a satellite, and made its way to the recipient's phone. She set it back down on the coffee table and retrieved the remote. She flipped through the channels and found the news. They were talking about the shoot-out at the Perez mansion and the big sex trafficking ring. The reporters were adding bells and whistles to their story, making it sound worse than it already was. When kids were being kidnapped and women were forced into prostitution, that should have been bad enough; but it seemed it was never enough for the media. Amanda rolled her eyes when the reporter took shots at the NYPD for not getting the job done sooner, and for letting Perez get away with it for so long.

She switched to a comedy channel where they were showing reruns of Reno 911. A smile graced upon her lips as she settled into the couch, cuddling close to the warm canine by her side. She laughed as the camera panned out to reveal one of the cops wearing a pair of short shorts that left barely anything to the imagination. She chewed on her lip, suddenly feeling restless and excited.

As if on cue, there was a knock on her door. Ah, he must've snuck in. She realized that he had a habit of doing that – being so goddamn charming that people in her building didn't mind holding the door open for him. Frannie raced to the door as Amanda switched off the TV. "All right, all right, settle down, girl." She told the dog as it started scratching on her door. It was like Frannie knew who was on the other side… must've smelled the aftershave or the pheromones or something.

Amanda opened the door and her eyes glittered as she gave him a once over. The full visual was impressive. And he wore the cap, too. Damn it, Amaro. A pink blush painted across her cheeks as she bit down on her lip to keep herself from breaking into a fit of giggles. He tipped the peaked cap, and Amanda felt like she needed to fan herself. He took a step forward and closed the door behind him.

"Hey."

"Hey."

She let her eyes roam over the navy uniform that showed off his forearms and brought out the bronze tones of his skin. It seemed like all those hours driving around in that patrol car had given him some sun. If she didn't have such bitter memories of traffic duty, she was actually a little envious of all the vitamin D he was soaking up. "I see you got the message about the uniform," she poked a finger to his chest.

"Loud and clear."

She arched a delicate eyebrow and licked her lips. Amanda slowly splayed her fingers across his pecs, feeling the hard planes through the fabric of his shirt. Her lashes fluttered to meet his gaze and she melted at the sight of his eyes like rich, molten chocolate. He was leaning down to meet her halfway, to kiss her like he did that first night they were together, but he stopped.

"Amanda," he said, holding her hands up to his chest. "Before we, um, catch up… there's something I gotta say."

"Mhmmm?"

His eyes stared back at her wistfully. She looked so beautiful even in a ratty, old Braves' t-shirt and a pair of pajama shorts. "I'm sorry I didn't answer when you called –"

"No, it's ok," she scrunched up her face and pressed harder against his chest. She just wanted to feel him, to satisfy that restless appetite to have him on her bed so she could take her time removing every article of his police uniform.

"Amanda, it's not ok. Let me explain." His voice grew serious as he led her toward the couch. She sat beside him with her legs curled up under her; she scratched her wrist even though it wasn't even itchy to begin with. Nick was familiar with this state she was in. Curling up her legs, scratching her wrist – these were things she did when she was feeling uneasy, when she was feeling the need to run. He took her hands and held them together on his own. Part of it was to keep her from scratching her skin raw; the other part was he just wanted to hold her and feel her close. "Those days during Wilkes' trial, you were there for me. And I know you said you had nothing to do with Wilkes dropping the charges, but I know you must've said something… and when Maria took Zara to LA, and when I got assigned to Queens… you still stuck around and I never really thanked you for any of that." He looked at her with eyes overflowing with honesty. "Thank you."

She shrugged and shook her head, refusing to receive his gratitude. Even in these times, she could still be so stubborn.

"But seein' you go to work, solving these cases, and being… amazing," he smiled as he squeezed her hands. "I felt inadequate."

Amanda tilted her head to the side and furrowed her brows. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. Nick Amaro – the confident, smart, experienced, and passionate detective. It never once crossed her mind that he was inadequate. Never.

"It's my fault… I was jealous – no surprise there," he chuckled. "But I shouldn't have just left without an explanation. I owed you more than that. And I guess, seein' you today just reminded me what a huge mistake I made. I missed you, Amanda… all this time, I missed you and I was too proud, too stupid to do anything about it… I'm sorry."

"Nick…" Amanda swallowed hard, trying to keep her voice from wavering. "I never saw you differently; I need you to know that."

He nodded.

"I missed you too." She smiled, pulling her hands away from his grip so she could wrap it around his neck and embrace him. Nick pulled her into the hug and buried his face into her shoulder, breathing in her scent. God, he missed her.

"There's one more thing," he said as he pulled away slightly. She still had her arms around him and he kept his firmly on her hips. "I need to know that this is goin' somewhere, Amanda. All my relationships have failed because we were never on the same page… we were never honest with each other. And I'm gonna tell you right now… I'm gonna be honest with you." He swallowed hard as he held her eyes. "I'm falling for you."

Wait, what?

"I don't know how or when it started… all I know is you're all I can think about. When they were shooting outside the 116, I thought of you first; and I was scared out of my mind that you were hurt… And I know you said this thing that we have is no big deal and it's only temporary… But I don't know, maybe you got some time to think about it over the summer… Maybe you'd like to give it a shot… a real shot… Amanda, maybe you'd consider fallin' for me too?"

Silence.

Nick Amaro just poured his heart out to her and he waited with bated breath for a response. One word – a yes or a no. Or even just one look would suffice. But Amanda stared blankly at him and she was lost for words. Hundreds of conflicting thoughts were zooming through her head like a bunch of cars drifting around in circles, causing turbulence but getting her nowhere.

Sure, she could start dating Nick now if that's what he wanted. They weren't working in the same squad or, hell, even the same borough; but it would still raise some eyebrows with Liv, Fin, Tucker, and the rest of IAB. Hell, if the news reached APD, she was sure it would raise more than just eyebrows. She pictured her old squad telling their stories and collecting bets, saying 'told ya, Rollins was gonna get around in New York.'

She was shell-shocked. Amanda blinked and saw the dejected look on his face, like he had aged ten years in that minute she spent just staring blankly at him. She couldn't feel her legs. Maybe she had been sitting on them for too long. Maybe she needed to go outside, get some air, go for a run. Suddenly, she felt the rain coming and the tree branches slamming against the asphalt, scratching against her skin. She couldn't breathe.

Then she felt his hands leave her hips and a sadness wash over those once soulful eyes. Her world was caving in and everything around her was being enveloped in darkness. She could hear the sound of slick flesh slapping against each other in a dingy motel room at a highway exit off Atlanta. She could feel the metallic taste of blood flowing from her nostrils down to her tongue. She saw that small glint of reprieve in her baby sister's eyes the moment she pulled the trigger. She could hear the slam of the door and the sound of an engine driving off in the dirt road. He left them again, but not before pocketed a handful of bills from the jar under the sink and planted a wet kiss on the top of her head. And he was gone.

Of all the people she wanted to stick around, he was the one always leaving her.

She opened her eyes and saw that Nick was looking down, completely defeated. He had ripped his chest wide open and bared his soul to her and she had said nothing, done nothing. And it hurt. All he asked was for her to give this a chance and see if she would develop feelings, see if she would fall for him, see if she could open herself up to love. He started to get up, thinking this was all a mistake. Another cruel joke from the world that he was starting to believe was conspiring against him. But then he felt her arms cling around his neck and Amanda had her body pressed against his. She was holding on for safety, for security, for that sense of comfort she always wanted but was too scared to ask for. He looked into her eyes and he saw she was holding on for dear life.

"Don't leave," she murmured into his ear. "Wait… wait for me."