Sorry for the wait…

Cal thought for a moment and then with a soft voice asked, "No one ever tried to make you feel safe? Did you go to therapy? Talk to anyone about it?" It was not abnormal for someone to go into the psychology field to learn how to handle their own issues. Hell, he had started his whole life's work because of his mother's suicide. But, he hoped Gillian hadn't dealt with this all on her own.

"I did go to therapy. For several years." Gillian took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Therapists did help me. I had advice and safety plans, but the only person who knew what happened to me outside of a therapists office was my college roommate."

"You never told anyone else?" Cal couldn't help the sick feeling in his stomach thinking about Gillian as a young girl dealing with something so horrendous all on her own.

"Not until I was in college. No." Gillian looked down and away before she could stop herself.

"What was that?" Cal recognized the shame on her face. "Shame. For what Gill? Because you didn't tell anyone?"

"Yes, I mean-no. I… I mean, ugh." Gillian's knees came up in front of her again and she leaned her head down on them.

"I know I'm preachin' to the choir love, and I know you know this, but that isn't uncommon. Lots of victims never say anything."

Gillian's head flew up at his use of the word victim. "Don't Cal. Don't call me a victim, okay? I spent too many years getting past that, I'm not going back." She was shaking her head.

Cal nodded his head at her. "Okay. I'm sorry."

Gillian lowered her head back down to her knees. The room was quiet for several moments. Cal heard Gillian sigh. "I'm sorry Cal." She slowly raised her head and looked at him. "I'll explain. I just need to gather my thoughts for a bit."

Cal jumped up off the couch, startling her in the process. "Sorry love! I'm gonna grab another scotch. Want one?"

Gillian smiled slightly, knowing that he was giving her time to collect herself. She looked at her now empty wine glass. "Actually, yes. I will have one." 'A little liquid courage might be just what I need.'

Cal returned a few minutes later with a glass of scotch for each of them. He handed hers to her and then took his spot back on the other end of the couch.

Gillian took a long pull from her glass and then reached over and set it down on the coffee table. She sat back and faced forward on the couch, which left Cal staring at her profile. Her knees curled back up in front of her and she hugged them to herself. "I want to tell you what happened Cal, but…" Gillian gave him a sideways glance.

"You don't have to do this, love."

"No, I want to, I'm just not sure how much I can share." She had her head back on her knees.

"Whatever you're comfortable with…" Cal wanted to scoot next to her and put his arm around her but based on the way she had angled away from him and cut herself off, he figured she was trying to maintain her boundaries and he intended to respect that.

Gillian raised her head but didn't look at Cal. "It started when I was ten. By the time I was thirteen, I realized I didn't have a way out. I can remember standing in my room and thinking to myself 'just get through this. When you get out you can get the help you need and you won't have to come back.'" She was staring in front of her with a glassy look in her eyes. She took a deep breath. "My parents separated at the end of my senior year in high school. My father was a wreck; threatened to kill himself, stopped eating, drank more-if you can believe that. My mother moved out and my father stood in the hallway crying and begging me not to go. I stayed." Gillian's face showed contempt.

Cal could only imagine that it was directed inward. "You felt responsible for your Dad; afraid he would kill himself and you couldn't live with that." It wasn't a question. Cal knew her well enough to guess that would be her reaction.

"Yes, until that fall when I left for college. I was so happy to be out of that house. My father was still a mess and my family was angry at me for leaving him. I think they were mostly mad because he wasn't leaning on me anymore and was calling them instead." Gillian lowered her knees and sat Indian style. She grabbed a pillow and pulled it into her lap.

Cal wondered if she was even aware of her movements; how she was now, in essence, hiding behind the pillow. Cal remained quiet.

"I did okay my first year in school. I was depressed and stressed which was obvious because I lost the 'Freshman 15' instead of gaining it. I never seemed to have an appetite." Gillian went on. The more she talked the easier it seemed to be. "My father sold the house while I was away at school. He bought another place and my mother moved into an apartment." She reached forward and grabbed her glass. She took a swallow of the scotch and put the glass back on the table. "I moved in with my mother. She only had one bedroom so I actually lived on a mattress that we threw on the floor behind the couch in the living room." Gillian smirked obviously remembering that time. "My father was so mad at me. He had decorated a room for me in his new house. He wanted me to stay there." She laughed sarcastically shaking her head. "There was no way I was moving back under the same roof with him; especially not again without my mother there. She never helped me and claimed not to know that there was ever anything going on. But, she also said she left when she did because I would be going away to school and she couldn't stomach living there under the same roof with him without me there to buffer."

Cal didn't know what to say. This was all information that was shocking to him. No wonder she understood the issues he had around his mother's suicide. 'Her father had been suicidal. And her mother…' Cal could feel his anger brewing low in his stomach.

Gillian shook her head and looked down at the pillow she was holding and then looked up at him. "I'm sorry Cal. I'm just going on and on…"

"No love. I'm listening. No apologies, please. I'm just beyond grateful that you're sharing with me." Cal was extremely happy to have the very private Gillian Foster readily giving out such personal information. He felt honored that she trusted him enough to tell him all that she was.

Gillian looked over at Cal and gave him a hesitant smile. "Thanks Cal."

"No thanks necessary." Cal eased toward her. He wanted to put his arm around her but he was hesitant to. Gillian suddenly leaned toward him. He raised his arm and she settled in beside him. He squeezed her shoulders and kissed the side of her head. "Want to take a break love?"

"No. I'm okay. I can keep going." Gillian snuggled in closer to him.

TBC