Disclaimer! I do not own Supernatural or its characters. All credit go to the wonderful creators of Supernatural and its actors.
Chapter Ten: Leaving
One month later
Dean stood in the middle of the room, covered in blood. He looked around to the mess before him. Thirteen dead demons in under a minute. He looked up to Sam's worried and shocked face. Sam tilted his head slightly to the side as he raised his eyebrows.
Dean's heart pounded in his head, his blood rushing through his veins. They weren't supposed to kill the demons. They were here to talk, but sadly one of them pissed him off and these days that was a bad move. Dean killed the first demon before anyone could even register that he had moved. The others were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. This anger was something Dean didn't like nor could control.
He turned to Sam and had to fight the urge to end him as well. Sam must have seen the struggle because he put his hands up to show he wasn't going to hurt him. "Dean it's me," Sam said. "Come on, it's over," He added.
Dean blinked a few times, and he knew he was back. He looked at the mess around him, then over to Sam who looked sick with worry. "That went well," he said, unsure what else he could say. It was so odd because he knew what he was doing when he was doing it, but he couldn't stop it, and when he was pissed he didn't really want to. It wasn't until the anger subsided that it really hit Dean what he had done. "This is getting bad," Dean said, mostly to himself.
"It's just a few dead demons Dean," Sam said in a reassuring tone. He went to Dean and clapped him on the shoulder, giving it a light squeeze. "Come on, let's get home."
Dean nodded as he looked at the dead demons again. Sure this time it was only dead demons. What was going to happen when it turned into dead people? He followed Sam from the room, fear heavy in his chest.
One week later
"We need to figure this out Dean!" Sam said, irritated that Dean was fighting so hard against this. "What are you going to do if Crowley suddenly decides to make you his weapon again?"
Dean looked angrily at the bottle sitting on the table in front of him. He didn't want to have this conversation, again. "I agree we have to figure out how to get the mark off, but I don't see why we have to stop hunting in the meantime," Dean said irritably, his voice getting louder.
"Because of the body count Dean," Sam replied, emphasizing Dean's name. "You get all pissed off and kill. It's getting bad. I think we need to take time to concentrate on you."
"I'm fine," Dean lied. He had said this so much the past few weeks it didn't even seem like a real phrase anymore. Not to mention it was far from the truth. He was on edge, like a druggy who needed his next fix. It didn't help that he was missing Cas badly. He hadn't even dreamt of him since the first night he was gone and he wished he could. That dream felt so real and it took the edge off the pain of Cas' absence.
"You're NOT fine!" Sam shouted. He was so tired of Dean pretending like all this wasn't happening.
Dean stood and tried to leave the room, but Sam wasn't having that. They were going to have this god damn conversation whether or not Dean wanted too. He grabbed Dean's arm, stopping him in his tracks. "Where the hell do you think you're going?"
"Let me go," Dean growled, the anger clear in his eerily calm tone.
"We're not finished Dean. You can't walk away from this anymore," Sam said, his own anger and worry clear in his raised tone.
"Let me go," Dean demanded again, as he tried to pull away. He often forgot just how strong Sam was.
"No," Sam replied, meeting Dean's tone.
That did it, Dean's anger spiraled and he lurched at Sam. The two fell to the floor, Dean landing on top of Sam, demon blade drawn. Sam grabbed Dean's wrist, trying to keep the blade away from him. It didn't help that Dean's free hand was squeezing at Sam's throat. "Dean," Sam tried saying, but nothing came out. He was losing strength and was running out of air. He struggled under Dean as black spots appeared in his vision.
There was a part of Dean that wanted to stop this, but that part of him wasn't in control. The tainted part of him was. The part that was driven by evil. He could see the life going out of Sam and he didn't care. Sam had just gone limp when Dean felt himself being thrown back, and he stumbled and fell. The collision with the table shocked him back into reality.
He blinked a couple times and when his vision cleared he took in the scene in front of him. Garth was leaning over Sam giving him CPR. Dean's heart dropped into his stomach and he felt like he was going to be sick. Oh god what had he done? Tears rushed to his eyes as he watched Garth try to save Sam. For a moment Dean was sure Sammy was gone and it was all if fault.
The moment he saw Sam take a breath he took one of his own. He hadn't realized that he was holding his breath, but that would explain why he was feeling lightheaded. Garth helped Sammy sit up slowly and they both looked over to Dean who was sitting in the wreckage of the broken table.
Dean didn't move. He didn't want to. He wished he could disappear into non-existence. He'd almost killed Sammy and he couldn't do it. He could never live with himself if he were the reason Sammy no longer lived.
They watched as Dean rose slowly. He walked over to them and kneeled next to Sam. "I'm so sorry Sammy," Dean said, his voice cracking. "I didn't mean to," He added as he stood. He wanted to hold Sam close and apologize a thousand times, but what right did he have? He'd almost killed his brother. The only reason he had left on this earth to not give in to the dark side.
Sam watched as Dean walked away. He wanted to call out to him, but his throat was too sore. He looked up at Garth, who looked as worried as he felt. This was a close call and Sam knew Dean was going to beat himself up over it. One thing that was for sure was they needed to do something about this.
Dean closed his bedroom door behind him and sat on his bed. What the hell did he almost do? He rubbed his forehead with his hand. He had to leave. There was just no way he could stay.
"I don't know what to do Cas," Dean said with a sigh. "I need you, Cas. I need you to help me." Dean leaned back on the bed, closing his eyes. He wished that Cas would come back. He would give almost anything to hear that man's gruff voice.
Dean stood and paced his room. His bag was already packed, all he had to do was wait until night. He knew it was cowardly of him to leave without saying goodbye, but he knew Sam wouldn't let him go if he tried to say goodbye. This was the best way.
Dean caught his reflection in the mirror and hated what he saw. He saw some asshole who had tried to kill his brother. He saw a worthless man who makes poor choices. He saw the man he wished he wasn't. Life would be better without him. Sam could be free of all the crap that he causes.
"Where are you going?" Cas asked, curiously from outside the bathroom door.
Dean looked over at him, shocked. "You're here?" Dean asked, his heart fluttered in his chest as he took in the sight of his best friend.
"Not really. You fell asleep while waiting on Sam and Garth to go to their rooms for the night," Cas replied. He looked Dean over and wished he was truly here. Dean needed him now more than ever. "Dean where are you going?" Cas asked again.
"I can't, Cas. I can't stay here. I shouldn't be around people at all. It's bad, man," Dean looked away from Cas. "You shouldn't even be here. I could hurt you."
"Not in your dreams, Dean. Here, the mark can't control you," Cas said, walking over to Dean's bed and sat down.
Dean looked at Cas and images rushed into his head. He wanted to kiss Cas, he wanted to touch Cas. He wanted Cas to touch him. What would it be like to… Dean shook his head. Nope he wasn't going there.
"I think you should stay," Cas said. He didn't like the idea of Dean being on his own. Not now.
"I can't, Cas. I can't take the chance again. If Garth hadn't showed Sammy would have died," Dean rubbed his hand over his face as he sat next to Cas on the bed. "I just can't."
Cas put his hand on Dean's leg. "We have to get that mark off you."
Dean looked down at Cas' hand and cursed himself as he hardened. Ever since that night with Kathleen he had wondered what it would be like to be with Cas. "I've missed you, Cas," Dean said. He knew that here he was safe to say these things. Like Cas had said, he was dreaming.
"I've missed you too, Dean." Cas gave his leg a light squeeze. "I hear you," Cas said, receiving a confused look from Dean. "At night when you talk to me. I do listen." He moved his hand from Dean's knee. He didn't want Dean to feel uncomfortable.
Dean was speechless hearing this. Sure, he hoped Cas was listening, but he thought Cas would be too busy for him. Dean looked into Cas' blue eyes and held them with his. He missed this. "I don't know how to do this," Dean said, unsure if he was talking about the mark of Cain or his feelings for Cas.
"I wish I knew the answers, Dean. I wish I could help you," Cas added. He would give anything to be back on earth with Dean, helping him through this.
"Why would you want to be anywhere near me? I'm dangerous, Cas," Dean said, standing up.
Cas stood too. "Because I care about you, Dean. You know that. You know how I feel," Cas had to fight the urge to hug Dean. He hated this. Hated that it had been over a month since he could get here to see Dean. He had been looking in on them from time to time, so he knew that Dean was getting worse. "What can I do to help you?" Cas asked, helplessly.
"Come home," Dean said, longingly.
Cas closed his eyes with a small sigh. "I can't," He replied, hating that he couldn't.
That was it, Dean couldn't hold back his emotions anymore. He closed his eyes as the tears threatened to flow. He turned from Cas, hating how weak he felt. "I can't do this without you. I need you," Dean said. He turned to Cas, the traitor tears sneaking down his cheeks. "Please, Cas," Dean begged. He fell to his knees and was glad that this was all a dream.
Cas' heart hurt as he joined Dean on the floor. He put his arms around Dean and held him close. "I wish I could. I want to so badly, but I can't," Cas said, hating that Dean was hurting.
Dean wrapped his arms around Cas, hugging him back. Cas was surprised about Dean's action, but he welcomed it. He settled down in front of Dean and the two just sat there, hugging each other close. Cas closed his eyes; he was going to remember every second of this hug.
Dean held onto Cas like his life depended on it. He hated that he felt so weak. That he needed Cas this way, but at the moment he didn't care. He was dreaming so it didn't really matter, did it? With that thought in mind, Dean let in his unwanted thoughts. Cas kissing his lips, gripping his cock, stroking it slowly as his kissed down Dean's neck.
A shiver ran through his body and he pulled away from Cas, who gave him that famous small smile that stole his breath. 'How long had he been falling?' Dean wondered. At what point did he start feeling more for Cas? "I need you Cas," Dean said, feeling like a broken record. What he really wanted to say was that he loved him and needed him for so many reasons it would take forever to name them all. That, however, wasn't going to happen. Not even here in his head.
Cas' smile widened a bit. "I need you too," he replied, taking a chance and placing his hand on Dean's cheek. Here, Dean seemed more accepting to touch and feelings. "I would come to you if I could. I would come every time you called if I could.
Dean's eyes flashed to his. God help him, but the images that rushed to his mind couldn't be helped. He could see Cas sprawled out naked on the bed, arching in the pleasure Dean's hand was giving him. He wondered what it would look like to watch Cas come. Again a shiver ran through Dean.
He wanted Cas for more than sex though. He wanted Cas for everything he was. Everything he did. He wanted Cas for all the times he was there. He wanted him for the small moments that Dean never gave much thought to before. The stolen glances. The whispered conversations. The times when Cas talked him down. The times Cas needed him. There was just so much Dean wanted from Cas and wanted to give to Cas. It would never be, not outside of his head, but here, and in this moment, he was with Cas, and that was going to have to be enough.
"What are you thinking?" Cas asked, interrupting his train of thought. Cas' head was cocked to the side as he watched Dean. They had never held eye contact for this long, but neither of them were in a hurry to look away.
"I'm thinking about you," Dean replied truthfully in spite of himself.
Cas wasn't sure how to take that. He supposed it depended on exactly what Dean was thinking. "What exactly are you thinking," Cas asked, needing to know.
Dean looked away now and Cas thought he looked a little sheepish. It was endearing to see Dean vulnerable in this sense. Though it did make Cas truly wonder what Dean had been thinking. "I don't know how to do this," Dean replied.
"You've said that. But I can't help if I don't know what this is," Cas said, hoping this time Dean would give him answers.
Dean looked up at Cas, feeling nervous. It was funny, because he had never been this nervous with a girl and it wasn't like he was taking a chance on Cas feeling the same way. Cas has already told him he was in love with him. So why was he so nervous? Cas was his best friend. The one person outside of Sammy he could trust. The only other person outside of Sam who would go to the ends of the earth for him. So why did this have to be so hard to do? Well, Dean supposed it was because Cas was a dude and he never had feelings for a guy before. Also if things went wrong, he had a lot to lose.
"Dean?" Cas asked, giving Dean a worried look. He didn't understand what was going on with him. He looked a little pale and his hands were shaking.
Dean's shaky hand reached out and took Cas' steady one. He looked down where they were joined. This felt so right. He felt like there was electricity running through them. Cas' hand was surprisingly smooth against his rough one.
Cas sat completely still as Dean's thumb rubbed the top of his hand. Never had he thought Dean would take his hand the way a lover might. Cas didn't speak, though he wanted to know what was going on, he was afraid if he spoke, Dean would let him go, and he didn't want that. He never wanted Dean to let him go. He loved the feel of Dean's rough hand against his own.
Dean swallowed as he tried to get the words out, without looking at Cas. He wasn't sure what he wanted to say. "I'm," He started then stopped. Did he want to say he was falling in love with him? Did he want to say he is feeling things he's not sure about? "I've never…I've never been here before," Dean said. "I mean," Dean had to clear his throat, but he couldn't go on.
Cas' eyes grew wide as he watched Dean struggle to speak. Was he saying what Cas thought he was trying to say? Perhaps it was just wishful thinking? Cas wasn't sure. All he knew for sure was that he loved Dean this way, with his guard down.
"Cas," Dean said, shaking his head and rubbing at his forehead with his free hand. He let out a nervous laugh that made Cas' heart flutter. "I'm bad at this," He said, now looking up at Cas. "I'm not even sure if it changes anything. I don't know what it means. One minute I think it's crazy and the next I think it makes sense."
Cas wasn't sure if Dean was saying what Cas thought he was saying but he took his chances. He leaned forward and placed his lips on Dean's. Just like the first time, Cas' heart fluttered and his stomach got butterflies. However, unlike the first time, Dean kissed him back. It amazed Cas how perfectly their lips moved together and when Dean took his face in his hands the kiss somehow got deeper.
Dean put everything he had into the kiss. He wasn't sure if it would ever happen again. It hurt that he knew that it wasn't really happening now, but hey, he would take what he could get. Cas' arms went around him, pulling him closer. The only thing that would make this better was if it were really happening.
"Damn," Cas said breathlessly, as he pulled away. He couldn't believe she picked this moment to look for him. Damn her.
"What's wrong?" Dean asked, his voice a breathless whisper. He didn't let go of Cas' face. He didn't want to. Ever.
"I have to go," Cas replied. His heart fell when he said it. He never wanted to have to leave Dean.
"Why?" Dean asked, as he removed his hands from Cas' face. His heart hurt with the idea of this ending.
"Hannah is looking for me," Cas said, wishing Dean didn't look so hurt with his words.
Dean's jaw clenched as he shook his head. He stood quickly and turned toward the bed, facing away from Cas. He couldn't believe the jealousy that was running through his body. "I don't understand why you always have to leave. This is my dream. It should go the way I want it."
"This may be your dream, Dean. But I'm really here," Cas said. He supposed if he was going to make a habit of this, then Dean needed to know that this was, in some ways, very real.
Dean looked at Cas confused. "Excuse me?"
"Remember that time I entered your dream because I needed to tell you something?" Cas asked. "You were looking over that lake?"
Dean's brow pulled together. "Yeah," He said slowly.
"This is the same thing. I'm truly here Dean. It may be in your head, but I'm here," Cas said. He waited for it to sink in and the moment Dean looked at him, he knew Dean understood.
"So you have to leave because your body is somewhere up there, and you can hear Hannah looking for you?" Dean clarified. Cas truly being here changed things. He'd been under the impression that Cas would never know of this. However, he wasn't mad either. He was relieved that Cas would know this. Even if it could only ever be in his head.
Cas looked up to the ceiling with worry. "I truly have to go, Dean. Wake up," Cas said, before disappearing.
Dean jumped awake. He was laying on his bed, the same way he had fallen asleep. He stretched as he stood and looked over at the time. It was two am and this was his time to leave. In his dream he had already packed, but in real life he hadn't. He packed quickly, taking only things he really needed.
He zipped his bag and looked around, the images of his dream coming back to him. Cas was truly there and it was there he knew he would find his peace. Only in his dreams. At least when Cas was there. When Cas wasn't, sleep was a nightmare.
He left all his cell phones with the exception of the one Sam usually called. He wanted Sam to be able to contact him if he really needed him. He took a minute to write a note that read: I know you're going to be pissed with me for leaving, but I have no choice. Please don't look for me because it would just piss me off and I don't want to hurt you. Sorry. Dean.
He placed the note on the night stand then picked up his bag. He took one last look around the room before leaving. He held his breath all the way to baby, but the moment she was started, he could breath. Even if Sam caught him now, there was no way he could stop him. This really was for the best.
I hope you have all enjoyed the chapter. Please leave reviews so I know to continue. Thanks :D