The next thing Ziva knew, she was back in that crypt, curled up in misery and trembling with feverish shivers as Ray whispered things in her ear over and over. It was previously discovered that the remaining journal pages were hidden somewhere in this shadowy hell. If only she could find them…before Ray discovered where the truth was hidden.
"They don't really care…but I expect you get the point of that by now. Gibbs only hired you to replace what he lost. Everyone is afraid of you, especially Abby and Timothy. I've seen it in their eyes." She didn't want to believe it. But the more he said it, the less sure she was about everything she knew of her coworkers.
"Don't you know Ducky only helps you with injuries because its his job? And obviously Palmer is too much of a coward to speak up against it…" Palmer being a coward wasn't an entirely new concept, this was easier for Ziva to accept.
"And then of course, there's Anthony Dinozzo, otherwise known as Tony," Ray continued. "You two were never meant to be anything other than coworkers, partners, mere acquaintances. Not friends, not lovers, not even something you thought of in your imagination. Think realistically. Would it ever really happen, especially since he'll never feel the same way?" Ziva internally squirmed, trying to escape his words. But it was no use, he was nowhere near finished with her.
"How many times do I have to say it?" Ray shouted suddenly, pulling her up so she was looking into his face. "They. Don't. Care. They. Don't. Love. You. They. Have. Used. You. But no worries. I love you. I'll take care of you like they never did. I just have to finish my experiments, then I can take you to my place where you'll be happy." He tossed her to the floor. She lay there, too weak to move or respond. Maybe this was all a dream.
"I understand," she said softly. "Can you take me home and make sure Ariel is alright? I really don't feel well," Ray's eyes softened.
"Oh, I'm so sorry! I got caught up with things, and for got you were so sick! I'll take you home and watch Ariel!"
I thought they loved me. I thought they cared. Perhaps things were different than they seemed.
The next morning, Ziva decided she felt well enough to go to work again. She went into autopsy first, for a change out of her usual routine.
"Good morning, Ziva," Ducky said brightly. "I see you are well again,"
They don't care. It is still an act of some kind. She shook her head and tried to focus.
"Right, there was no need to worry about me," she replied. "It was no big deal," Ducky nodded in agreement.
"Well, if you don't mind I have some business to attend to. Can't keep this man waiting all day, you know," He indicated the body before him on the table. She managed a small smile and went back up to the bullpen in order to find information on any new cases. McGee jumped a little at the sight of Ziva.
"Ah! You scared me!" he said.
Everyone is afraid of you.
"Am I really that frightening?" she murmured rhetorically. McGee appeared to not have heard her.
"I brought the kids to Abby's lab, boss," Tony said, coming down from MTAC with Jamie right behind him.
"That should bring down the noise a little," Jamie added.
"Going to see Ducky," Gibbs said, going to the elevator. Tony caught sight of Ziva, but his expression was unreadable.
"You're back," Tony said to her with no surprise in his voice at all. Jamie went to her desk and started clearing things off, putting them into a rucksack that was slung over her shoulder.
"Yes," Ziva said patiently. "I thought it would be good for me to get caught up on things today. Is there a new case?"
"Ah, of course," Tony stammered, getting back into gear.
He doesn't care. He doesn't love me. We are only coworkers. That explains his behavior around me today. Wait, what am I saying? Of course we are friends…aren't we? Ziva frowned, trying to make sense of her jumbled thoughts. The whispers continued though it must have been hours since Ray's voice faded beyond any physical reality. It was like his words were permanently on a loop imbedded in her brain. And if they were true, they would be the worst torture she had ever endured since her harrowing weeks trapped in Somalia. Tony started going over what he had of the case so far, but Ziva barely listened, lost in thought about the possibility that she was nothing more than a pawn. Insignificant and unimportant.
"…then, Frank told me he didn't even smoke, but I found evidence of cigarette smoke in his clothes back at the other apartment way out in the woods on the border of Maryland. Gibbs also thinks he's guilty, but Vance insists we need more proof, because the son smokes, so this could make the alibi true. And that's pretty much all you missed." Tony's voice came back into focus, like the volume of a radio being turned up very slowly.
"I'll go ahead and do some more investigating, then," Ziva said, starting back toward the elevator.
"You just got here, though," McGee whined, sitting at his desk. "I'll go for you…I'll even take Tony,"
Just a replacement to replace…her. Ziva glanced down at the only evidence she did not belong here. It was a drawing of Gibbs, a much younger version of him.
"Go, then, I don't care," she grumbled, shoving the sketch into a random drawer so she wouldn't have to look at it anymore. McGee and Tony left without another word, still not picking up on her mood. Gibbs went with them, but it appeared he had a different destination in mind than the other two agents. Then again, Ziva was always able to read Gibbs quite well. The scary part was having him read you.
"They don't care…" she murmured.
"What was that?" Jamie asked, pausing at the elevator.
"Nothing," Ziva said quickly. She hurriedly tried to find something to do in order to avoid discussing anything of importance.
"You know I'm leaving, right? Today is my last day,"
"I will see you around then," Ziva said with a tone of indifference. Jamie gave her a long look, then left the bullpen at last. She was completely alone. Whatever presence was once in her head was gone now, but she couldn't stop thinking about what Ray had told her, over and over. It wasn't like she wanted to, but sometimes; repetition can cause certain things to be permanently ingrain in the mind. It was like glue that never wore off, worse than an ink pen impossible to scrub off the skin.
"Ziva, I'm talking to you!" Abby said. "Come on, what's wrong with you?"
"Huh? What?" Ziva mumbled, snapping back to reality.
"I was wondering where you had put Kate's old drawing of Gibbs…I just wanted to make sure it was in good condition, because her sister wanted all the sketches to be kept safe here."
Abby hates you.
Ziva rummaged through the drawer and handed over the drawing without looking at her. There was a brief silence. Then…
"Gabriel, stop doing that!" Ziva's heart sank. That was all she had wanted. So it was true. Nobody wanted her around as a friend, someone to rely on for comfort and trust. All she was to them was something to be used over and over. The misery and heartache was so crushing that she could hardly remain here any longer.
"Ziva, where are you going?" Abby asked. She did not respond. She was long past words now. Ziva continued walking, not stopping to even get into her car. What was the point, really? She wouldn't be able to sit still long enough to make sense of this spiraling grief. One foot in front of the other. Let, then right, then left again. Over and over and over. The repetition caused her eyes to burn, or was it the intense pain that wouldn't cease no matter how much she shoved it away and denied it room in her head? Staying still made it worse, and caused the thoughts to return once more, so she didn't stop moving. Ziva didn't have a destination in mind, or a particular goal. None of that mattered. Only shedding away this senseless pain…she shouldn't be feeling this…Ray would never allow it. Slowly, everything faded away, and her mind cleared. She felt numb now. She didn't think she'd ever feel anything ever again. The sun mocked her previous mood. Cloudless skies suffocated the emptiness and further isolated her from everything else. A cool wind blew, and suddenly, she knew exactly where to go. A place where she would be loved like she never was at NCIS. Ray would love her.
"I'm coming, my darling," Ziva whispered, turning down a random street that wasn't really random at all, but in fact, hidden to the naked eye. Minutes later she was running down a narrow street filled with darkness. Before she knew it she was climbing down the ladder, the rough rope scratching her legs as it shook in a constant breeze that seemed to have no source. The darkness had a sour sort of quality, as if it had been pitch black for far too long in a most unnatural way.
"Ziva, you came," Ray said with a smile.
"You were right," Ziva told him in a low voice, ignoring his pleasant mood with an internal revulsion. Happiness was a foreign thing to her now, as was any sort of emotion.
"Glad you could see it my way," he replied with a confident air. "So, welcome to my little hangout. You can come and go as you please between work days. Ariel shall also be in my care while you are away at NCIS. On one condition." Ziva steadily gazed at him, not even flinching at his intense dark eyes.
"Anything,"
"You are to never stay at NCIS more than what is minimally required for you…it would be dangerous to be overexposed to those traitors. Never make friends with any of them again, or stay to chat about anything not work related. I will know if you do these things." A sort of complex conflict went on in Ziva's mind. There was a small voice insisting that Ray was the true liar that was getting hard to ignore. So she shoved it away with all her other emotions she wasn't supposed to feel.
They don't care, never have and never will. As if on cue, Ray told her this to start. Then she knew her fate was sealed. No turning back, no do overs or second guesses. This was to be her life from now on.
"I want you to tell me that you know they don't care, nice and loud. It'll make everything official," Ray said.
"I know they don't care," she whispered, remembering everything that had happened when she walked into work that morning. "I was…am, nobody,"
"But not with me, sweetheart, you're my lovable experiment…" He smiled at her, but she did not smile back.
"Good." He nodded in approval. "No emotion. It suits you perfectly," Somewhere, deep down, something inside Ziva fell away, never to be found again. Her expression, or what was left of it, shifted into something unrecognizable to anyone she knew. Excluding Ray, of course, the one who was unsurprised by everything. Ziva did not think that she was trapped. Well most of her did. There was a small portion fighting back for freedom. But that part was losing very quickly.
"Where's Ziva?" Vance asked Abby. She shrugged, trying to put Ariel to sleep for the night before she drove home. Looks like she'd have two kids to watch over tonight, rather than one. Abby didn't mind, but she wished Ziva would come back. What had she done wrong to cause her friend to run off like that? Work was getting stressful for everyone so it was natural for them all to be a little distracted and only pay attention to certain things and block out others. Maybe Ziva didn't see it that way. Perhaps she thought she was being ignored or something. Abby sighed. Why did things have to get so complicated? Before those five years of uncertainty, life was never like this. It would never have even been considered. But, now, everything had to change when Ziva suddenly left NCIS like it meant nothing to her. Today Abby knew better, but she still couldn't help but feel a little abandoned and betrayed. She supposed it was because she was afraid of losing another friend after what happened to Kate and Jenny. Two great people she trusted, gone forever without warning.
"Well, let me know if you see her," Vance said, breaking the silence. Abby nodded, and glanced at the elevator door for the fourth time in a minute. Nothing. It was almost evening. She sighed again and started for the stairs. McGee had already taken Gabriel home, so he wouldn't be too much of a worry at the moment. Suddenly, the elevator dinged. Abby froze on the spot, a sleepy Ariel clinging to her skirt.
"Where's my mommy?" the girl asked softly.
"I'm right here," Ziva said.
"Nice of you to finally show," Abby said coolly.
"Come on, we have a new home now," Abby paid no attention to Ziva as she left the bullpen again, her only daughter in tow.
Ziva took one last glance back at Abby, hoping there would be something to change her mind about Ray's claims. But she did not get any of that. No, life could never be that simple. She sighed, struggling to gain control of her now dulled emotions. This was an ending of something and the beginning of something else…of what Ziva could never determine. But she felt like something dark and indefinable was wrapping around her mind and clouding her vision, yet everything remained crystal clear as she drove on.
How I'd hate to admit it, but you may be right, Ray…they probably never cared about me. It is possible that I never had a single friend in there. So why did they lie to me and make me believe my father was wrong?