So many mixed reviews and questions after last chapter. I answered some of them in my review replies but hopefully this chapter will clear things up further.

Chapter 10

At our request, Esme and Carlisle took the kids out for ice cream later that night after therapy so Bella and I could have some time alone. We didn't cover all that we needed to in our session, and we both knew we had more things to talk about that Jake didn't have time to address. Before they left, my brother pulled me aside.

"Edward, I had no idea you weren't actually sick. I'm sorry, I should have done something sooner."

I threw my arm around his shoulders and told him I never would have opened up to him about the severity of the issues Bella and I were having anyways. He nodded like he understood as he left with the girls.

Bella and I sat down with a glass of wine and open minds. Somewhat hesitantly, I started us off.

"Do you really think you can't love me enough? What does that even mean? Enough to satisfy me? Enough to stay married? Or is it that you love me but you're not in love with me anymore? Be honest."

Bella's finger slowly traced a ring around the mouth of her wineglass as she shrugged her shoulders. I braced myself for her response.

"I love you, and I'm still in love with you, Edward. I am." She looked into my eyes and nodded affirmatively. "And I should have just said that to you that night. You surprised me. It'd been a long time since you told me you loved me and I was stunned. I get why you said it when you did- now- but then it felt like it just came from out of left field."

"And 'enough'?" I had to know what she meant by that.

"Like I said in therapy, you were looking at me like you really loved me and I haven't felt like that lately. But your face it was pure love. I was upset because I wasn't sure I loved you like that."

I frowned because that hurt to hear.

"I'm so sorry, Bella. God, I'm so sorry."

"I just feel like my work isn't appreciated. I don't think you understand that what I do at home is work. You have Carlisle and your employees to thank you for a job well done. I don't have that."

"Truthfully, I don't get very many thank you's except when I hand out bonuses at Christmas. I'm the boss – I get smiled at and then talked about behind my back. Carlisle, too- he just doesn't give a shit." I snorted to myself because he really didn't care. He figured if someone hated him, they could quit and go work somewhere else. I was the opposite; I wanted my employees to like me, but sometimes being the boss meant I had to be tough and that's not always appreciated.

"As for you, I do appreciate what you do at home. I guess I never really thought I needed to tell you. Call me stupid but I just figured you knew."

Bella slowly shook her head. "I don't know. I thought it would be fun every single day. But it's so hard and I feel stupid complaining about it because I should be enjoying being home with them. It's almost like there are more bad days than good. And when we do have a good day, I feel guilty about it because you're stuck at work."

"Bella, I want you to enjoy being home. It makes me feel good to know that I can financially support my family – I guess that's a guy thing. After my father left, my mom went back to work and there were days when I'd come home to an empty house, wishing she could be there to greet me instead. I love that you're here for our girls. Thank you."

Tears welled up in her eyes at my words. Until then I hadn't realized how important it was for her to hear those two words. I made a mental note to say them more often.

"Thank you, too, for going to work so I can stay home. I don't say it to you, either. I'm sorry."

I smiled at her as I laid my hand against her cheek. "Truthfully, I'd rather have you show me, instead of telling me. No, I'm not asking for sex – although at this point, I wouldn't protest. I'm just saying more than words makes it real. God, I'm quoting 'Extreme' but you know what I mean."

"I'll try to remember that." I loved that her smile was genuine and I loved that we were really communicating. It felt good.

"Are you happy, Bella? I mean with me, our life together?"

"I am – with you and our kids. I hate that sometimes I feel really lonely."

"I hate you feeling like that. I know I'm not always supportive of your writing and your internet friends. But I'm going to try to be more understanding. Since we're being honest, sometimes I feel jealous that I'm being neglected."

Bella refilled my glass before she spoke. "I know I get absorbed in it. When there are words in my head I have to write them down. It's like they are screaming at me to come out. I don't mean to ignore you."

"I'll try to be more understanding, okay?"

"And I'll try to find a better way to balance things so you don't feel like I'm ignoring you. I don't mean to."

"Thank you."

In bed that night our feet snuggled together. It may not seem like a big deal but for us, it was. It was our own way of reconnecting.

The rest of the week until our next session was fairly uneventful, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. There were no more kisses or 'I love you's'. We simply cohabited without incident. We each made an effort to please the other. I made sure I was home at a reasonable time each day or called if I was running late, and Bella had the house straightened up and if dinner wasn't ready she at least had a plan for it. There were definitely more 'thank you's' from us both. And after the girls were in bed, we talked about our day, sharing as Jake had instructed. Listing off our positives and negatives felt forced and unnatural, but we did it because at least we were talking.

At our next session, Jake asked how our week was.

"It was fine."

Jake snorted. "Bella, I heard my wife say 'fine' more times that I can count. That word always means more than the four letters it contains."

Bella gave a shrug and Jake looked to me to explain.

"We actually had a great talk after our last session and I feel like we really connected and understood each other better afterwards."

"That's great to hear. Is there a 'but' coming?"

Bella gave a shy smile. "I thought that after our last session and the subsequent talk, I don't know, that maybe it would just click for us. But we're still having to work at it. We have to make a point to talk every night. God, I make it sound so awful, like I don't want to. But I do, it's just that it doesn't feel natural." Bella shrugged. I understood what she was saying and apparently Jake did as well.

"You can't expect a miracle after one good session, guys. And once you have kids, it's that much harder to find the time to balance everything. Unfortunately, reconnecting as a couple is difficult. I want you to know that this is fairly common. My wife and I had a heck of a time after our son was born."

My face went deadpan. I'd had no idea he had a kid. Bella looked equally as surprised.

"Maybe I should tell you a bit about me. Leah and I met when I was 32. Until then I was a confirmed bachelor, but I knew immediately I was going to marry her. And I did, six months later. Five years after that, our son Seth was born. Life was good for a while but then Leah and I really struggled. You'd think being a therapist I would have known better, but I didn't."

"We had a lot of arguments – mostly over stupid, insignificant things. You know what that's like. We both thought we were always in the right. Eventually we got our shit together but it wasn't therapy that did it. When Seth was three, Leah had a routine doctor's appointment - you know, a PAP and all that stuff."

Jake waved his hands around and wrinkled his nose at whatever 'stuff' was. Bella seemed to understand what he was talking about.

"Two weeks later, Leah got a call saying the doctor needed to speak to her about her results. We never, in a million years, thought anything of it. I went to work; she went to the appointment. I will always regret that she was by herself when the doctor gave her the news."

When Jake shook his head I could tell he was still upset with himself for not being there that day.

"Leah called me from the office and in a totally dead voice informed me she had cancer. I was floored. Speechless. She asked me to meet her at the clinic so we could speak to the oncologist on staff and I went right over. The doctor explained Leah was already stage 4, which we were told was incurable. She was given a year to live."

The whole time Jake had been speaking, his head was down, staring at his hands. He looked up at Bella and me as he continued. The anguish on his face seared through to my heart and physically pained me.

"What do you do when you're told that the one person you would do anything for, the one you'd die for, is the one going to die? You fight – together. God, Leah was so brave, she really was. But ultimately, we knew when we were losing. So we gave up on fighting and chose to live like it was her last days, because we knew that's what they were."

Bella brushed away her tears; I put my arm around her shoulders wanting to comfort her since I couldn't reach out and take away Jake's heartache.

"Leah died ten months later. I wish it hadn't taken her illness to make me realize what was really important."

Jake paused long enough to wipe away the tears, completely unabashed.

"I decided to specialize in couples counseling after Leah died. I want to help people who are struggling. You have no idea how much I wish I would've spent those last few years with her differently. I would have loved my wife more, not bickered over who did more household chores or whose turn it was to make dinner. I can tell you now, I break the rules with my son more times than Leah would approve of. Quite simply, I don't want to live with any more regrets. The ones I harbor now are bad enough."

The three of us were silent for a few minutes until Jake cleared his throat.

"So, there you have it. You can trust me when I say I understand what you're going through."

"I'm really sorry, that's truly heartbreaking."

"Thank you, Edward. Her death literally left me with a broken heart. I don't know if I'll ever remarry, but if I do I'm going to try to remember why I fell in love in the first place. Which brings me to our discussion today. What was it that first drew you to each other?"

Beside me, Bella's knee bounced up and down nervously as she spoke.

"I thought he was attractive."

"That's usually how it works. I thought Leah was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen. You said you met at a club? Did he ask you to dance?"

"Actually, Edward was dating a girlfriend of mine so I tried not to act on how I was feeling."

We'd been sitting at the bar waiting for Bree and the others to arrive. Even sitting beside her made me feel something - I can't explain what. I wasn't sure if Bella felt the same, though, because she was looking anywhere but at me. It wasn't until later that she admitted it was because she was feeling the same as I was. I had no plans to act on my feelings because I never wanted to hurt Bree, never.

Except my girlfriend sent me a text - Sorry I can't make it – work blows. Have fun with Bella - and signed it with a winking smiley face, almost like she knew we'd hit it off. I cursed because I knew I was going to do something that wasn't very gentlemanly. The alcohol and the sheer attraction between Bella and me was like a magnetic pull. I simply couldn't resist her; nor did I want to. So, I asked her to dance...and the rest was history.

"Jake, we both tried not to act on it but we couldn't deny the chemistry between us."

"So you broke up with your girlfriend and you two started dating?"

Bella blushed. "Not exactly."

"We didn't exactly have a PG-rated start to our relationship, Jake."

My mind drifted back to that night. After gyrating on the dance floor together, Bella and I couldn't wait another minute to get alone. I'd never felt such a primal need to be with someone. Bella told me the VIP room had been reserved for her party so we went in search of it.

"Dammit! It's locked."

"I don't care. This hallway is fine."

Bella pushed me against the wall, her mouth on mine, urgent and hungry. Her tongue snaked into my mouth and I groaned at the sensation. Fingers tangled in my hair, my hands on her ass as I grinded against her. A growly 'fuck' escaped my lips as we parted briefly.

"Bella, we can't do this here."

"I can't wait!"

Her hands were already untucking my shirt from my pants as her lips attacked the hollow of my throat. Once under my shirt, her fingernails scraped down my chest. My mouth left kisses on any piece of exposed skin I could find. I kissed the swells of her breasts and wanted more, so much more.

"We really shouldn't do this here," I told her sternly, trying to pretend I had an ounce of restraint.

"You said that, but have yet to suggest an alternative." She palmed my crotch as she spoke, unzipping my pants.

"Fuck it!"

I traded spots with Bella, pinning her roughly against the wall. Her leg hitched up and around my hip as I yanked her halter dress down and her breasts tumbled free. My mouth found a nipple; my tongue wicked in its pursuit, resulting in more growls from both of us.

Pulling her dress back up, I kissed her mouth - softer this time but no less passionate. After we parted, I demanded she remove her panties – which she did willingly - as I freed myself.

"Bella." I breathed heavily on her neck as I spoke. "If you want me to stop, you need to tell me now."

"Don't. Fucking. Stop." She was begging, and I loved it.

"Thank fuck, because I don't think I can." My voice was strained as my fingers found their way inside her - slippery, warm, and so fucking wet. Bella purred moans into my ear.

"Just fuck me already." I loved that she wasn't polite in asking.

"Hold on tight, baby." I lifted Bella up, sliding her up against the wall. As her hands went around my neck, her legs wrapped tightly about my waist.

"My shoes!"

"Leave them." I barked as I slid home. Bella gasped and I asked if she was okay, worried I was hurting her. She assured me she was fine so I continued, pulling out and slamming back in repeatedly. It was harder and rougher than I'd ever fucked anyone before but I felt as though I had no control. Honestly, I loved every second of it. As I pounded into her, her back hit against the wall again and again. I wasn't gentle and Bella assured me she didn't want me to be.

I found a rhythm that matched the beat of the song that was playing, fucking to the bass - thumping and thrusting in synch to the music. I felt her orgasm rip through her at the same time mine did. Afterwards, Bella buried her head in the crook of my neck, her ragged breath against my shoulder. Once her feet were on the ground, Bella politely thanked me, which made me laugh.

Before we went back to the dance floor Bella smoothed down her dress and I attempted to fix my hair. It was a fruitless attempt on both parts to look like we hadn't just fucked in a stairwell of a club.

Jake cleared his throat to entice me out of my trance.

"I don't need specifics but I can guess your relationship was initially sexually charged."

"You could say that." I should have been smiling at the memory but it only served to make me sad because it was a lifetime ago that we'd had that sort of unbridled passion.

"Did you two ever go back and have the conventional first date kind of date? Go out for coffee and talk?"

"Bella doesn't like to drink coffee."

Jake smiled. "It was hypothetical question, Edward. I remember my first date with Leah. We went out for a nice dinner and then for a walk. We stopped in at a little café for a coffee and stayed there until we were kicked out at two a.m. I brought her back to my place and we talked some more."

"Just talked?" I was skeptical but Jake confirmed that's what they did.

"Yeah, we just talked - about anything and everything. In fact, I didn't even kiss her that night. We talked about our college days, high school, and our childhoods. I found out her favorite color was yellow, that she thought The Simpsons was the dumbest show ever made, which happens to be one of my faves. I found out all the little insignificant things about her. I've never forgotten that night or the things I learned about her."

"Bella and I never had a night quite like that but I think we know each other fairly well."

"Okay, let's play a game. I want you both to answer the following questions – not helping each other out. What's her favorite color?"

"Green."

"His?"

"Blue."

"Favorite meal?"

"Lasagna."

"She loves Indian butter chicken."

"First girlfriend/boyfriend's name?"

"Tanya."

"Tyler."

"Best friend from elementary school?"

"Melanie or Melody something-or-other." I couldn't remember. Where was Jake even going with this?

"Melanie Jones. "

Bella smiled at whatever memory came to her regarding her and Melanie. Then she frowned slightly. "I'm sorry, I don't know Edward's best friend from elementary school."

I waved it off as not being important. The truth was that I didn't have one.

"Best friend from high school, then?"

"That's easy, they're still friends - Nessie."

Again, Bella looked perplexed.

"I have no idea."

"What's your point, Jake?" I was trying to deflect it back to him; get us moving along.

"To be honest, Edward never talks about his life before me."

Jake glanced at me so I went on the defensive.

"That's not true. You know my dad's gay; left us when I was 14 or so. My mom died when I was 17, and I went to live with Carlisle. You know the important stuff."

"Who'd you go with to your senior prom?" Bella looked me square in the eye and waited for my response.

"Does it matter?"

"Well, now I'm curious."

"Maybe I didn't go."

"You didn't go to your senior prom? Everyone goes to their senior prom." Bella made it sound completely implausible that I didn't go.

"Who'd you go with?" By asking a question with a question, I hoped she'd forget that she'd asked me something.

"A guy named Alec."

"Did he try to get in your pants?"

"Edward!" Bella slapped my arm playfully.

"What? I'm just curious."

"No, he didn't. He was a perfect gentleman. He bought me a coral pink carnation corsage that totally clashed with my red dress."

As Bella laughed at the memory, my mind flashed back to the pale pink corsage my mom had helped me pick out for my elusive prom date. My memories went on to show my tearful rage as I ripped the petals off, cursing Jessica's name. How I demanded the limo driver pull over so I could stuff the stupid corsage into a garbage bin at Main and Cordova, wanting it out of my sight.

I hadn't thought about Jessica or the specifics of that night in a really long time. The few times I had thought about prom, I felt like I was removed from the feelings – like it happened to someone else. In that moment, sitting with Jake and Bella, I was 17 and feeling the hurt all over again.

It hit me that if only I'd known Bella back then, I could have had the time of my life instead of one of my worst memories. Maybe I wouldn't have been depressed; so lonely for so many years. I'd be a different man.

Reasonably, I knew that meeting Bella wouldn't have stopped my mom from dying but maybe, just maybe, the course of history would have been altered somehow. The thought of what could have been, if only I was living in a different time and place, stung. The pain made my heart ache and I had to blink back tears that threatened to tell my secrets.

Jake's concerned voice tugged me out of the painful memory.

"Where were you just now, Edward?"

I shook my head, keeping my eyes downcast.

"Nowhere."

"I don't think that was nowhere. Wherever you went just now was obviously a painful memory. Bella and I won't judge you. We're trying to understand what's going on with you."

I lifted my eyes and looked at Jake. Though I didn't exactly consider him a friend, his brow was furrowed, concern etched into the creases of his forehead. He nodded, trying to encourage me to speak.

Looking over at Bella, her eyes told me she cared but I wasn't sure if I could tell the secrets of my past. I didn't know if my wife would still want to be with me after she knew the truth.

Thank you for reading. I always look forward to and reply to your comments, if you chose to leave them.

My thanks to Lolo84 for pre-reading xo

Capricorn75, you're more than just my beta. I can't thank you enough for your late night discussions about this. Love you!