Year Five Part Three
"So these are the kitchens," Juliet said. "Wow. You know, my mum told me about this but I never thought to come looking for them."
"That's a waste," James told her.
She nodded. She took a sip of her pumpkin juice and a bite of her grilled cheese. "So, how was your day?" she asked.
"Fine," he said.
"Really?" she asked. She knew he hated it when she worried over him. She couldn't help it though. She felt awful. She knew that classes kind of sucked for James at this point. Partner work was a pain for him and when he opted to work individually it was double the work. She still felt a little responsible for the gap between him and his friends. Former friends.
"You?" he asked, spinning the conversation round and finishing the last of his sandwich.
She knew what he was doing. She did, but this time she chose to allow it. "It was good," she said. "I was talking to Professor Potts and she says that she'd like me to help her tutor in preparation for OWLs. She says I have a knack for teaching."
James grinned. "Well, she's right. You do. That's great."
"Well, it's after dinner," she told him. "You should come. I mean, if you want to."
He laughed. "I don't think Professor Potts wants me," he said.
"You're a sixth year, of course she wants you," Juliet said. "Besides, people look up to you. They'd listen if you were teaching them."
"Look up to me?" he asked.
"Yes," she agreed.
"Really?" He looked genuinely surprised at the comment. "Why?"
She laughed. "You have to be kidding. You've been on the quidditch team since first year, you're a natural at Defence Against the Dark Arts and your grades are always above an A."
"Except Charms," he interjected. "I'm scraping by with an Acceptable."
She rolled her eyes. "The point is that you are good at everything, you hardly try, and you get along with practically everyone."
He grinned. "Sounds like you're describing yourself," he commented.
Juliet shook her head. "I can't play quidditch, and...well, if you haven't noticed, besides Marta and Eric, I mostly keep to myself."
"Yes, but that's your choice," James said.
"People don't exactly line up to have a conversation with me," she pointed out.
He raised an eyebrow at her. "That's because you're scary," he told her.
Her mouth dropped open. "I'm scary?" she repeated. "I'm scary? Did you just say people are scared of me?"
James quickly backtracked. "Okay, no. They're...they're not scared of you. They're...intimidated, I suppose. At least, the guys are. I think the girls are jealous."
"Jealous," she echoed thoughtfully. "Of me?"
"Yes, you." At her blank look he went on. "Have you looked in a mirror lately? Seen the way people look at you? Looked at your grades? Heard the way—?"
She stopped him. "Shut up," she said, pushing his arm. He laughed and grinned at her.
An elf came along and cleared their dishes.
Juliet looked at the time and sighed. "I need to get back to the common room. I promised Eric I'd read over his essay for him."
"Okay." James stood and slapped his palms on his slacks. "Let's go."
Things were going well. Juliet and James had a bit of a strange relationship. James had started talking to Antony and Kurt again at meals and whenever there was necessary partner work in potions and DADA. Beyond that, he spent the majority of his time with Juliet. Since he no longer waited around for his dorm mates to roll their arses out of bed every morning, he went to breakfast with her, Marta and Eric. Their time after dinner was spent in one of five ways: eating dessert in the kitchens, wandering the castle through passageways, hanging out in the common room, doing homework in the library or strolling the grounds. She would have felt bad for not spending as much time with Eric and Marta but it seemed that they were really enjoying being alone together. They hardly noticed she was gone.
Perhaps if she didn't have James' company she would have found herself a tad insulted.
The relationship she'd formed with James was almost like how they were before his first year at Hogwarts. Back when whenever they saw each other they were practically inseparable. When he sat beside her while she read, poking and prodding her once he finished his comic book and wanted better entertainment. When they played board games and moved the pieces around whenever the other turned their back. When they played hide and go seek for hours on end.
Now, they shared a table in the library while doing homework until James either finished his work or got bored of it, at which point he put his things away and tried to speed along her work. They played cards in the common room and James tried to sit near her, trying to cheat by catching a glimpse of her cards. They tried to play hide and go seek in the castle, and they did play for hours, but only because the castle was so unbelievably intricate that once hidden, Juliet hardly knew where she was, let alone James. It took an hour of looking before he gave up, began to worry, and used the map to find her sitting on a staircase out in the open. They'd decided hide and go seek was not suited for the castle.
Juliet was having fun.
Not that she didn't have fun with Marta and Eric; just that with James it was different. It seemed that time with him was always better, it passed too quickly and it was so incredibly effortless that while she could remember laughing and staying up with him in the common room on a Friday night, she had to think for quite a bit before she could actually remember what it was they had been talking about.
They were sitting in the common room playing a very nonsensical game of muggle chess, moving pieces around with no mind to their limitations and James was recounting something or another. "I don't know. I was up until one yesterday trying to get that water-making charm right." He took his pawn and made it hop a space forward. "Flitwick said he was going to be grading us on it today in class but it slipped his mind." He paused as he watched her. "Are you listening?" he asked.
She looked up. "Yes, yes I am," she assured. His eyes narrowed at her as she moved her knight diagonally. "You stayed up late to try and get the water-making charm right and Flitwick didn't even bother testing you on it," she recited. She decided she'd claim his rook then as punishment for his doubting her.
She processed what she had repeated. "You stayed up until one to get the water-making charm?" she asked in disbelief.
He ran a hand through his hair and rolled his eyes. "Yes," he said. "I told you, my charms work isn't so great at the moment."
"Right," she said.
James eyed her for a moment. Something was off. "Are you alright?" he asked. He moved his queen and captured her last pawn.
She smiled. "I'm fine." It was a polite smile though.
"What's the matter?" he asked.
She shook her head. His gaze was insistent and she sighed. Her hands moved from the chess board to her lap before returning to the table indecisively. Her elbow rested on the wood surface as she placed her cheek on her palm. He mirrored her with his chin on his fist. "Have you ever had one of those feelings where you just know something bad is about to happen?" He nodded. "I've had the feeling all day and I'm a little worried."
James frowned. "I'm sure it's nothing," he said. "You probably just forgot to do a reading for tomorrow or something."
She nodded, though she didn't feel quite as sure as he sounded.
"Hey," he said. "I'm sure everything's fine." He smiled and she moved her knight.
"Checkmate," she announced, laughing and curling her fingers around his king.
He chuckled and took her king as well. "Checkmate," he replied.
James hadn't seen Juliet all day. He knew her schedule. He normally saw her between classes as he headed down to the dungeons and she made her way to transfiguration. And though he didn't often sit with her at lunch, he usually saw her then as well. She had been at breakfast.
He felt pathetic for even thinking it, but he missed her. His day was getting crappier and crappier and he was all but dying to see her. Pitiful, he was aware.
He'd sat through a mind-numbing history of magic lesson and then Professor McGonagall singled him out in Transfiguration. She meant well, he was sure, when she used him as an example to demonstrate the wand work they were doing but the class sniggered and it was through clenched teeth that he said the incantation. Then he had to partner with Kurt in potions, who threw the shrewts in all at once and botched their entire cauldron. From there his mood just went downhill and everything around him began to infuriate him further.
And where was Juliet?
When she didn't show up at dinner he began to feel a terrible weight in his gut. Something was definitely wrong.
"Eric!" James called, getting the boy's attention away from his plate. Marta looked up as well. "Where's Juliet?" he asked.
Marta and Eric glanced at each other. "She was called out of class," Marta said. "She thought it was about the tutoring programme. We just assumed she was with you after classes..."
James shook his head. He stopped listening when they began to discuss where she might have gone. He searched through his bag for the map and activated it discreetly on the empty bit of bench beside him. Using his bag and body as barriers to hide the object from wandering eyes, he quickly scanned the page for her name. It couldn't be found.
He shoved the map back into his bag and looked over at the Slytherin table. He couldn't spot Caelum.
He cursed loudly as his shin connected with the bench in his effort to get out of his seat. A couple of the students around him gasped at the foul language. "Albus!" he shouted.
Professor McGonagall stood at the head table, giving him a stern look. He chose to ignore it as he saw his brother stand up a little ways down the table.
"What?" Albus asked.
James ran over to him. "Where's Caelum?" he asked.
"Eating with Slytherin tonight?" Albus guessed. He glanced over at the Slytherin table. His expression became concerned when he realized his friend wasn't there. "Professor McGonagall took him out of potions," he said. "I don't know where he is now."
James nodded. He turned to head back to his seat when his brother caught his sleeve. "Well, you always seem to know where people are," he said expectantly. "Where is he?"
James swallowed thickly. "I don't know."
He turned and saw that Professor McGonagall had not yet sat down. Upon him meeting her eyes, she pointed at the spot in front of her. She straightened her spectacles and waited for him to come where she had indicated.
James felt the eyes of everyone in the hall on him as he walked towards the professor. He broke into a lope halfway there. "Sorry, Professor," he said.
McGonagall took a deep breath and her pursed lips softened as she shook her head. "Finish your dinner, Mister Potter. I'll see you in my office afterwards."
"Yes, Professor."
He wasn't hungry anymore.
He waited for dinner to be over, telling Marta and Eric that Juliet was fine and that he did know where she was. Lies, but he told them he'd talk to them later as well. He hoped he'd figure out the truth by then.
McGonagall couldn't possibly be punishing him so severely that he had to report to her office. Not for swearing. Not when it wasn't even directed at anyone. Surely she was going to give him an answer. She had to know where her students were.
He was at her office before she was, waiting in front of the gargoyle expectantly. "Where are Juliet and Cae—" he began.
"Come inside, Mister Potter," McGonagall said. She gave her password and the gargoyle began to turn, revealing a staircase.
James followed her as she ascended it.
"Take a seat," she instructed.
He sat, his knee bouncing impatiently and his fingers drumming against his still thigh. "Well?" he asked.
"This afternoon, we got notice from Mr. and Mrs. Malfoy that Estelle Patterson had passed away."
James froze, his limbs and their anxious fidgeting ceased. "Estelle Patt...Stelly..." he whispered.
"Both Caelum and Juliet were given the option to return home until after the funeral," McGonagall continued. "They left via portkey late this afternoon."
James closed his eyes. Estelle was gone.
McGonagall was still talking, sitting behind her large desk, hands folded and back straight. Her expression was soft and sympathetic as she looked at him but it didn't provide him much comfort.
He had never been very close the woman. He had known her for as long as he could remember and from what he knew, she had been caring for Juliet since just after she was born. He supposed the closest relationship he had alike to the one they shared was with his grandmother. He couldn't imagine losing her. Estelle was practically Juliet's second mother.
His heart broke for her.
McGonagall had finished speaking. "Anything I can do, Mister Potter?" she asked.
He shook his head. "Actually," he said, "do you know when the funeral is?"
"This Friday," McGonagall replied.
James nodded. "Friday," he repeated. "Okay. Thank you, professor."
"I'm very sorry, Mister Potter."
He nodded once more and then stood. He might have thanked her again, he wasn't sure, his attention was elsewhere. He turned and left the office.
He found his brother in the common room, sitting with a couple of other second years. He pulled him aside and went up to the dormitories.
Albus wasted no time in asking if James had found where Caelum and Juliet were.
James delivered the news as gently as he could, knowing it was likely to upset Albus more than it had him. James was upset, but he knew he dealt with things differently. Albus had known Estelle better, spent more time with her, been around her more when she watched him and Caelum. That, and Albus was always known as the more sensitive of the Potter kids.
Albus cried and wrapped his arms around James. They were quiet tears, not like the bawling he did at home with their mum when he injured himself. Albus released his hold and wiped his cheeks with the sleeve of his robe. "What happened?" he asked.
James sighed. "I don't know, Al. I'm going to write Mum and Dad. I'll let you know if I hear anything, okay?"
He made good on that promise. He thought about writing Juliet as well, but he wasn't sure if he could offer anything appropriate to how she was feeling. He was terrified of saying the wrong thing.
The next morning his mum had written him back and he was able to relay the gist of the letter to Albus. Estelle had come down with the flu, but mistaken it as a cold. It went untreated for a while before Hermione took her to St. Mungos. Estelle seemed to be doing better until she relapsed and fell ill with pneumonia. She passed away in her sleep days later. James and Albus would be given a portkey and excused from Friday's classes to attend the funeral. They, along with Juliet and Caelum, would return to Hogwarts for Sunday evening.
James told Marta and Eric a vaguer version of all of this, assuring them that Juliet was fine. Besides them, he didn't bother informing anyone else. He got through the rest of the week at a slow pace and packed his necessities Thursday night. He and Albus left Friday morning.
The funeral was painful. It was held in a cemetery in an area with which James was unfamiliar and when Lily asked their dad where they were, he said it was where Estelle had grown up.
The funeral took place outside, with everyone sitting in a wide semi-circle about the casket, a few others standing behind the chairs. People were speaking in low tones, if not whispering. Women were carrying handkerchiefs and everyone was dressed in black. He himself was wearing black slacks, a black dress shirt and black robe. He had tried to tame his hair but the best he could get it was combed down, parted stupidly, and with a cowlick in the back. He took a seat with Lily on his lap, Albus beside him, with his mum and dad on his other side. Lily was quiet throughout the ceremony, her mouth set in a small frown as her eyes followed the blonde girl near the casket. James closed his sister's hands in his own when she began to fiddle with the layers of her dress.
"Why does everyone have to wear black?" she whispered.
"To show they're in mourning. To express their grief because the person died," he whispered back.
"Oh," Lily said. "What's Julie doing?" She squirmed to try and see for herself and James pulled her to sit still.
"She's putting flowers with the casket," he told her.
"Why are they white?" Lily asked.
"I don't know," James admitted.
"Is Juliet going to be okay?" Lily was watching as Juliet turned from the casket.
"She will be," James assured.
She was crying. Crying while her father spoke, sobbing while her godfather, Blaise, allowed her his arm to hold tight to. Her body shook and her grey eyes were red rimmed and blinking purposefully, perpetually welled with tears, but her cheeks remained dry. From the looks of it, she hadn't any tears left.
She was wearing a black dress, with long lace sleeves and black ribbon tying her hair back. Her skin was pale, as always, but it looked duller somehow. She'd lost her light about her.
She got up to speak. She shared fond memories of her nanny and spoke on behalf of both her and Caelum. Her voice was hoarse as she retold stories and described the relationship she'd had with Estelle.
It was a beautiful speech.
James was able to recognize his own family at the gathering but there were many unfamiliar faces as well. Judging by their elderly appearances, he assumed they had been friends of Estelle's. When the eulogies were finished, Juliet went up to the casket and closed it carefully. Suddenly her tears were as wet as ever. The wooden box clicked closed and her mother took her hand and walked with her to stand aside. They watched as the coffin was lowered into the ground and then the people began to disapparate.
James saw Draco take Caelum and Hermione take Juliet and side-along apparate to their home. People were going to pay their respects and eat a late lunch there. James joined his mother and Lily and held on while she apparated them to the Malfoys.
He found her easily. It was catching up to her that was the problem. Every two steps she was being stopped by someone offering condolences and as she moved she seemed to be hurrying along. It was as though she was trying to run away.
He gave up on trying to follow after her and instead went out the front door. He jogged around the house and lifted himself over the wooden fence at the side. Standing in the backyard, he let out a sigh. He heard the back door open and he went around the porch and up the two steps.
Juliet jumped.
"Hi," James said sheepishly. He ran a hand through his hair, then swore internally as he remembered his efforts to comb it.
"Hi," she returned with a weak smile. She sat down on the cushioned porch swing. "Lunch is being served inside."
He nodded and paused. "Do you want me to leave you—?"
She shook her head and he took it as an invitation to take the space next to her. "I'm sorry for—"
"Thanks," she interrupted. She bent and began to undo the small buckles on her heels. She took the shoes off and set them aside. Humming softly to herself, she started tugging at the ribbon that held her hair in place. The bow came loose but the fabric was knotted around her hair and as she pulled to slide it off of her hair it would not obey. Her humming abruptly stopped as she let out a cry of frustration.
"Here," James offered quickly, "do you want me to try?"
She turned for him silently. His fingers began to work at the knot, careful not to pull her hair. "Is Caelum inside?" she asked. "Is he okay?"
James' fingers fumbled with the tie. "He's fine. He's with your dad." He gently eased the ribbon loose and removed it before handing it to her.
She thanked him softly and folded it in her fist. James noted how the corners of her mouth turned down and the dark circles beneath her eyes.
"Please don't look at me like that," she said.
"Like what?" he asked.
Juliet placed the ribbon beside her and reached over, taking his face in her hands. She straightened his head as though fixing him for a portrait and then touched the pads of three fingers between his eyebrows. She spread her fingertips to smooth away the contributing factor to his sympathetic expression there. Those same fingertips then moved to his lips. His frown had dissolved.
"Like this." She imitated his previous expression. Tilted head, concerned eyes, pitying frown.
He blushed. "Sorry," he said sheepishly. "I didn't even realize."
"No one does," she told him. Her eyes began to fill with tears yet again and she pressed the heels of her hands to her eye sockets. Her elbows rested on her knees as she inhaled shakily. "I'm sorry. I just...Merlin. I feel like crying. All the time. It never," her throat locked and she bit her lip, "it never stops."
He hesitantly placed a hand on her back. "Cry all you want," he said quietly, "if it helps." His hand stroked down her hair, his fingers curling through the locks so they slid silkily between his fingers.
"I don't know what to do with myself," she whispered in a way he'd never heard her before. "I don't know how to deal with this. I should have been home." She cried harder as she repeated it again and again. It felt good to finally say it out loud. "I should have been home. I should have been home."
"Oh, Lettie."
She sat up and turned into his chest. He froze a moment before his arms slowly came around her, one arm around her back and the other staying where it was in her hair, holding her right where she was. He shifted closer.
If she stopped to think about it, if she was of clear mind, she might have had the grace to be embarrassed that she was getting his shirt wet with her tears and wrinkled from her hands' grip. As it was, she was neither of those things and so she sighed into his embrace and stayed there until she regained control of her breathing. Control your breathing, control yourself, she reminded.
She sniffled and pulled away from him before curling up on the swing, focusing on inhaling and exhaling at a steady and even pace. Her head came to rest on his thigh and her hand slipped under her cheek, the back of it quickly wetting with her tears.
He stilled but said nothing. Actively ignoring the fact that her head was in his lap and her fingers were curled against the inside of his thigh, he played with her hair and listened to the wind blow lightly through the trees. He managed his way out of his robe without disrupting her and tried his best to cover her with it.
It was moments later when Lily came through the back door. "There you—"
James quickly shushed her.
She crept over and looked down at Juliet. "Is she asleep?" she asked.
James shrugged. "Listen," he said, "go inside and find Hermione. Let her know where Juliet is, okay?"
Lily nodded. "Okay," she agreed. "Mum wants to know if you've eaten."
"I'll eat later," he told her.
Lily disappeared inside the house.
A couple of minutes later Draco came outside. James cursed his lack of forethought to specify to Lily to only get Hermione and not to get Draco. He wasn't sure what it was about the man, he had all the same features as the girl who lay across him right then, but something about the way her father looked at him, well frankly, it scared him out of his wits.
"She, er, fell asleep," James said.
"I see that," Draco said flatly, crossing his arms.
James cleared his throat uncomfortably and let out a sigh of relief when he heard the back door open once more and Hermione joined her husband.
She looked at her daughter, eyes widening in surprise. "She's asleep," she observed.
James nodded, he could feel his face flushing and yet Juliet slept on unaware. Hermione smiled and nudged her husband. "James, why don't you go in and eat," she suggested. "I'll take your place."
"Okay," James agreed, avoiding Draco's stare all the while. He went to stand, lifting the girl's head, when she bolted upright and rubbed at her eyes. "Sorry!" he apologized.
"It's okay," she said blearily. "Where are you—?" She noticed her parents. "What's going on?" she asked.
James took his robe from her and smiled. "Nothing," he told her. "Just going inside to eat."
Juliet stood and collected her shoes. "Okay. I'll join you."
Her parents shared a look. Juliet slipped around them while staring at her bare feet. She didn't look back for James but hoped he was right behind her, tucking her hair behind her ear and licking her dry lips.
James went to follow her but Hermione stopped him. "We haven't been able to get her to eat a full meal all week," she said. "If it's—"
James shook his head. "No worries," he said. "I'll try my best."
Juliet stood waiting for James at the door. She wasn't sure how long she had slept but she knew that despite the tight feeling of her skin from her tears, that was the best she had felt waking up since she had found out. For a moment, things weren't so bad.
She stepped into the house and saw the sea of black clothing. She remembered the picture set on the table near front. She felt the world press in on her once more. She felt the weight of a hand come to rest on her shoulder. "Come on." James steered her into the dining room.
He handed her a plate and she looked around at all of the people. He began serving himself and then turning and offering her a serving as well. She nodded without thought, still glancing around as more and more sympathetic gazes fell on her. Soon he had filled both his own and her plate and he was grabbing cutlery for the both of them.
She looked up at him. "Do you mind if we eat upstairs?" she asked.
He shook his head. "Whatever you'd like."
Author's Note: Hi all! Okay, first off I cannot believe we've passed 150 reviews. I cannot thank you guys enough. You're all incredible. I hope none of you hate me for this chapter. Things are getting a bit bumpier. Okay, anyone who want to check out the Lettie playlist and hasn't already can google ssunshine 8tracks and click the second link. Not too hard from there I think. I wrote this on my phone so I apologize for any errors. Thank you all so much for your support again! Please review!
Oh! Trivia for anyone who read When in Doubt: who was the first character to call Juliet 'Lettie'?
Anyways,
Scarlett