Chapter 10
"Man may have discovered fire, but women discovered how to play with it." ― Candace Bushnell, Sex and the City
I bolted through the empty hallway until I came to a stop right outside Souji's room.
"Souji?" I squeaked out, feeling jittery as I tried my best to steady my shallow breathing. I had already jumped at my own shadow on the way to Souji's room, so my heart already felt like it was long overdue to burst.
I knew that Souji was on the other side of the door but I couldn't see him. Logically, my mind told me I was alright, that nothing bad was going to happen to me while I was in the safety of my own home even if I was alone. Instinctively, my body was telling me that I was going to die if I remained alone.
As I was about to give up and flee back to part of the dojo where there were people, the door quickly slid open and a hand pulled me in the room. I landed on Souji's chest just as he closed the door.
"What are you doing?" Souji hissed at me as I instantly latched on and buried my face against his chest in an attempt I to calm my pounding heart. "I thought you knew better than to wander the dojo alone. What would you have done if you had a panic attack?"
I shook my head in a wordless response before I forcibly pried myself off of him. I couldn't bring myself to looking him in the eyes right after he scolded me. "It's time to teach lessons. Hijikata-san is already waiting for you in the practice hall."
Now instead of Souji and Hijikata-san taking kenjutsu lessons, they were now instructors that taught the students. Ever since Hijikata-san started living here, there have been some changes to the dojo. Other than Souji and Hijikata-san becoming instructors, there had been a decline of students that attended the dojo.
Ever since the Treaty of Amity and Commerce, or otherwise known as the Harris Treaty, was signed in 1858, the Japanese economy had been a mess. The price of ordinary goods and daily supplies skyrocketed as the result of open trade. With the price of daily living increasing, fewer and fewer students could afford to keep coming to the dojo. The number of request for degeiko had also decreased too.
Another factor that added to the decrease in students were the epidemics that appeared with alongside open trade. When the foreigners brought over new goods to Japan, they also brought over the diseases originating from the West. The decreasing number of students was worrisome. The amount of income the dojo produced was declining and if the trend continued then the dojo would be unable to remain open. However, though as troubling as the money situation was, that would be another issue for another day.
Souji's lips curled into an angry snarl at the mention of Hijikata-san's name. "He made you come look for me by yourself? That bastard should have known better!"
I'm sure he would have punched Hijikata-san the moment we went to the practice hall if I didn't say anything.
"No! He didn't… I just wanted to try and…" I hadn't intended to worry him and now that I did, I felt really small in front of him. "…I'm sorry…"
A sigh slipped out of his mouth as he put a hand on my head. "No, it's not your fault. If you decided to by yourself then…"
I found myself beaming up at him and his acceptance before noticing curiously for the first time that Souji's hair was down instead in his iconic ponytail. Unable to help myself, I reached up and tugged lightly on some of his long hair.
"Hmm?" Souji said before flushing slightly when I shot him a questioning look. "Erm… I wanted to try a different hair style…"
"Which hairstyle? One like Otou-san's?" He had been staring intently at Otou-san's hair earlier this morning. Either way, I'm sure I was correct in my guess since Souji seemed relieved that he didn't have to say anything. "Want me to do your hair? I sometimes help Otou-san put up his hair in the morning."
Souji's brows disappeared behind his bangs but he seemed to really like my idea. He shot me an impish grin before grabbing me by my hand and dragging me to where a small mirror was sitting atop his desk. He sat down before the mirror and handed me his comb like a giddy child. The way he was sitting, his posture, practically said, "I'm waiting."
"Okay," I said, starting by running the wooden comb through his hair. His hair was surprisingly soft and a nice sheen began to emerge the more I brushed his hair, making me slightly envious. "First, you have to make sure to brush out all the knots in your hair."
I placed the comb back on his desk before sticking my hands directly into his hair. It was so unfair. In my past life, I had to use so many hair products just to get my hair just as soft as his. I bet he didn't even need to try to get his hair this nice.
"Then you take your hair and bunch it together like you usually would when you're tying a ponytail, but just don't pull the hair too tightly. You'll damage the roots of your hair if you do." I gave his hair a slight playful tug as I bunched it together before flipping it up to tie it off. "Then you place a hand over by the base of the ponytail and loop the tail over your two fingers. When the topknot looks the way you want it to look, then tie if off to secure it in place. Done!"
Souji moved his head closer to the mirror to get a better look, taking his time to turn his head to look at his hair at different angles. His lips curled upwards at the corners of his mouth.
"Like it?" Like I even needed to ask.
He turned around and nodded before playfully reaching over to tug on a few short strands of my hair. "Yeah. Thanks," he answered. "So how do you think it looks?"
"I think it suits you." Well, he certainly looked prideful now.
"Well, come on, let's go," Souji said cheerfully as he pulled me to my feet. "You did say it's time to teach lessons, right? We've kept Hijikata-san waiting long enough and I'm pretty sure he has some words for me for being late."
He pulled me out of his room with him, him in the front leading while I tagged along behind him like his shadow. As we walked through the halls, he glimpsed back at me through the corner of his eyes and used his other hand to reach back and tug on my short hair once more.
"What is it?" I asked him as I came to a stop.
"I'm just wondering if you will ever grow out your hair," Souji said as he let go of my hair and continued walking towards the practice hall.
"My hair?"
Many of the girls my age had already started discard their short shoulder-length hair for the woman's long hairstyles. I, on the other hand, didn't bother with trying to follow the trend. It was easier to take care of short hair, especially in a time period where there were no such appliances like blow-dryers.
"You should grow out your hair," he suggested just as we arrived at the practice hall. "I think you would look very pretty with long hair."
Before I could answer Souji, Hijikata-san in his glorious anger, stomped up to Souji.
"Where have you been?!" Hijikata-san tore into Souji in front of all the students. "You're an instructor and you're supposed to set an example for the students. What does it say when an instructor is late to the class he's supposed to teach?"
"Hijikata-san worries too much," Souji merely retorted a laidback attitude as he shrugged his shoulders. Hijikata-san didn't intimidate him at all. "Hijikata-san will start sprouting white hairs like an old man then all the ladies will run away from him, right?" he turned to ask his students with a wink. They all laughed.
Hijikata-san, however, looked ready enough to commit murder.
"Just start the lessons already!" Hijikata-san growled before he stomped back to where his own students were.
Souji shot me an accomplished looking grin before waving me towards the wall. "Shizuka, go sit by the sides, okay?"
I nodded wordlessly and went to go claim my seat, then I promptly zoned out as I stared aimlessly at the random things in the room. My mind quickly wandered back to what Souji had said before.
Should I grow my hair out like Souji suggested? At age thirteen, I wasn't considered a woman just yet since I had gotten my first period yet. But once I did, should I let my hair grow out like the women of this era?
I mean, as much as I enjoyed not having to take care of long hair, I didn't enjoy the stares I got from people when I went out. Often I would hear people whispering far too loudly at the market when they saw my short hair and even some of the students of Shieikan would talk too.
"Why does she still have such boyish short hair?" they would say. "She has no mother figure, so she doesn't know how to make herself pretty."
Speaking of mother figures, I couldn't help but wondered when Otou-san would supposedly get married. I didn't care so much about "messing" up history since accepting my second life in this era. If history was so important, then whatever deity was stupid enough to drop me back here was the one at fault. But Otou-san's marriage was one thing I didn't want to screw up. I thought he deserved getting married. He was genuinely a good guy.
"No, your posture is all wrong. If someone swings their sword at you this way, you won't be able to block it. Hey, Hijikata-san, you suck at teaching. The student you were teaching earlier still can't get the right posture," I heard behind all my thoughts vaguely, causing me to look up briefly. Souji and Hijikata-san were butting heads again.
"What are you talking about, Souji?! Not everyone is like you and able to get the correct posture right away."
I ducked back into my thoughts. Sometimes Hijikata-san and Souji argued so frequently that I found myself apathetic.
Marriage in the era was different from the modern age in the United States. In Tokugawa Japan, marrying for love was almost unheard of. Marriage was used to increase social status or to ensure the continued existence of a family name, but that didn't mean marriage couldn't be blissful. I'm sure with Otou-san's attitude and kindness, any woman could be considered lucky to marry him.
But from I read, Otou-san was specifically supposed to marry a woman called Tsune. I honestly wished I knew more so I could actually go out to look for this woman but other than the name of her father and the name of the clan she belonged to, I didn't know where to even start looking. I mean, for all I know, she could have lived on the snowy island of Hokkaido to the north. I didn't exactly have the resources to travel up that far, and the knowledge of snow up there itself almost made me unwilling.
"Shizuka?"
But I also wondered if I should be meddling in the first place.
"Shizuka? Can you hear me?"
Maybe I didn't need to even interfere in the first place and everything would come to fruition. It was a bit pompous of me to assume that history would be derailed just because of me, a single, unimportant, little girl.
"Just smack her upside the head to get her attention."
"Hijikata-san, you go bash your own head in. Don't tell me to hit her."
"Fine, if you don't do it then I will."
But still, just what if Otou-san never got married and it was my fault. What if—
Someone knocked on my forehead and I swear my thoughts flew out of my ears when I jumped in surprise. When my vision came back into focus, Hijikata-san's face was right in front of mine.
Without saying anything, I stupidly reached up and pinched Hijikata-san's nose between two fingers like I expected it to honk like a clown's nose.
Hijikata-san narrowed his eyes at me in irritation before batting my hand away. "That's your first reaction?! Really?"
Souji snorted in amusement before plopping down next to me. "Care to share about what had you staring off into space for the last couple of minutes? Class has now been over for at least three minutes now and you were just sitting there, staring."
True enough, all the students that were once in the hall were gone. The only thing that was left to prove that they were here was the smell of sweat that was left lingering in the air.
"Don't you think it's a bit strange how Otou-san hasn't gotten married yet? Why hasn't he gotten married yet? Shouldn't he get married?" I blurted out before I realized what happened. The looks on the guys' faces suggested that I should have eased into the topic.
"Hah?! That's what you were thinking about?" Souji looked scandalized at the idea of Otou-san being married. "Are you sure Hijikata-san didn't hit you on the head too hard?"
Hijikata-san growled at Souji accusing tone and kicked Souji's thigh in displeasure before turning his attention back to me. "Don't you think that when and whether Kondou-san gets married should be up to him?" Hijikata-san questioned me with his eyebrows pinched together.
"Oh my god!" Words fell out of my mouth again as I gaped at a certain realization. Half of me was considering this as truth while the logical half of me was calling myself a hysterical idiot. "What if the reason Otou-san doesn't ever get married is because he adopted me? Raising kids takes a lot of money. What if he wasted all his money on me and now can't afford to have a wife? I'm a monster!"
"Okay, now I'm sure you hit her way too hard earlier, Hijikata-san."
Hijikata-san slammed his hand onto his face. "Look, it's nobody's fault. If Kondou-san gets married, then he gets married. If he doesn't, then it's his own choice. Got it?"
At this point, I didn't bother listening to Hijikata-san anymore. I jumped up, grabbed Souji by the wrist, and bolted out of the dojo, leaving Hijikata-san to stare strangely at me as I dragged Souji away with me. The whole time, it boggled me that Souji didn't say anything and allowed me to drag him all the way with me to the Edo markets, but I got the distinct feeling he enjoyed seeing Hijikata-san's befuddled expression and therefore didn't say anything until we hit the markets.
"So why are we here?"
I froze comically at his question since I didn't actually know why, causing Souji to accidently bump into me when I suddenly stopped. As Murphy's law[1] stated, "What can go wrong, will go wrong."
Souji bumping into me started a chain reaction. I toppled over, accidently bumping into a woman in front of me and since I was so short, the woman didn't see me and jumped in fright at the sudden contact, causing her to accidently drop her freshly bought eggplant on my head.
"Eep!" I squeaked just as the eggplant landed on my head shortly before the rest of my body made contact with the dirt road.
"Oh no!" the woman gasped in horror, dropping everything she was holding in order to check on me once she noticed me. Incidentally, I happened to be right below her, so all the items she ended up dropping landed on me. "Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry! You're hurt and it's entirely my fault!"
She was young, perhaps in her twenties. The harelip she possessed was her most prominent feature. She wasn't the prettiest woman I had ever seen, but she was definitely not the most hideous either.
I think it was the harelip. If she didn't have that harelip, then she'd easily be one of the prettiest women I have ever seen.
"Umm, I'm okay…," I said but that went completely unheard by the woman and Souji, who happened to decide right now was the perfect time to be unhelpful, didn't do anything but watch me deal with the woman in amusement.
"I am so sorry!" she repeated again while looking absolutely guilt-ridden to the point of making me feel bad. "Let me get you back home, it is the least I can do after I hurt you."
Feeling like this was for the best, I didn't bother struggling as she bent down to give me a piggyback ride. Once I was firmly secured on her back, she abandoned her groceries on the ground and began walking.
"So where do you live?" she questioned and Souji immediately answered.
"This way," he said laxly as he pointed at the direction we came from. The woman nodded gratefully.
"So, what are your names? My name is Matsui Tsune."
Tsune. Obviously, I froze once more once I heard that name. It couldn't be that easy, could it?
"My name is Okita Souji and this is," Souji paused, waiting for me to say my own name before his nose scrunched up when I saw me mouthing silently to him, "She's the one!" over and over again.
"Her name is Kondou Shizuka," Souji ended up introducing me too. "Normally she would introduce herself, but for one so smart, she is cursed with bouts of stupid."
That last part was obviously a jab he aimed at me, but I found that I didn't really care.
"Oh…" Tsune-san seemed completely at lost at our undoubtedly strange behavior, but she smiled anyway. "So do you two live together?"
Souji nodded. "I'm a live-in student at Shieikan Hall and Shizuka is the daughter of the dojo's heir," he said before pointing to the left. "Oh, go this way. The dojo is right around this corner."
When we turned the corner, I saw Otou-san and Hijikata-san at the gate of the dojo speaking with each other. Hijikata-san was probably telling Otou-san about how I had questioned him about marriage earlier if the faces they were making had anything to do with it.
"Excuse me," Tsune said as she walked up to them, obtaining both men's attention.
"Oh! How can I help—," Otou-san said before turning to see me on Tsune-san's back. "Shizu-chan! What are you doing? Did you hurt yourself? Souji, what happened?"
"I am afraid that it is entirely my fault. If I had been looking where I was going, then none of this would have happened," Tsune-san answered instead. It was actually Souji's fault, but I wasn't going to correct her.
"Ah, I see." Otou-san nodded in understanding before turning to Hijikata-san. "Toshi, can you take Shizu-chan inside and treat her injuries?"
"Alright," agreed Hijikata-san as he went over to pluck me from Tsune-san's arms.
Otou-san and Tsune-san remained outside to converse with each other while I got carried inside by Hijikata-san. Souji decided to tag along with me and followed us inside. The moment we were inside, Hijikata-san dropped me on my butt without a care and narrowed his eyes at me.
"Ouch," I said just for the sake of annoying Hijikata-san since he was already glaring at me. "Why did you drop me? I'm injured remember?"
"As if those tiny bruises hurt," he snorted as he crossed his arms. "Just what are you planning? Why did you let that woman bring you here when you can clearly walk with no problem?"
I decided to be completely honest and blunt with my answer. "She's Otou-san's future wife."
Hijikata-san twitched as a vein appeared on his forehead before he promptly smacked me across the back of the head.
"Don't go around playing matchmaker!" It looked like he really irritated with my statement. "Besides, how would you know if they fit well together? It's not like you know the future."
I wanted to laugh, but I got the feeling the bursting into random laughter would not be looked upon as healthy. But when Tsune-san joined us for dinner that night, Souji had to cart me off so when I did burst out random giggles, I wouldn't leave a bad impression on our guest.
By the time the new year rolled around, it was clear that Otou-san and Tsune-san were more than just smitten with each other. Just as the flowers bloomed to announce the arrive of spring in the March of 1860, the two wedded.
The wedding was a small affair, only involving the families of both newly wedded husband and wife, plus a few special friends, like Hijikata-san. I personally had expected the wedding to be slightly more flamboyant since Tsune-san's family was of the warrior caste, but just like Tsune-san was, her wedding was humble. But if anything, there was a plethora of alcohol.
Tsune-san's family, particularly her parents, loved to drink and they shared their enthusiasm with anyone they could get their paws on. Hijikata-san was smart enough to avoid them at the banquet since he had worse tolerance to alcohol than Otou-san did and didn't want to get drunk. Souji wasn't so fortunate.
Souji was long considered a man at age sixteen, but that didn't mean he went out drinking often. Both Hijikata-san and Otou-san never went out to drink specifically due to their bad tolerance, surprisingly only leaving Inoue-san as the only one that would go out drinking with Souji. But since Souji was so young, Inoue-san would limit how much Souji could drink. Souji actually had never been drunk before this.
He was an interesting drunk with the tolerance of an average man. It was actually difficult to tell that he was even tipsy in the first place because he didn't act all that different. But the moment he started to get closer than normal to people and adding the verbal tick "desu" at the end of every sentence, I knew he was drunk.
The wedding and the banquet ended without a hitch at the end of the night. The guest all left to return to their quiet homes, and everyone at Shieikan went to bed. Well, most went to bed. With Otou-san now being a married man, we no longer shared a room, which wouldn't have been a problem except for my monophobia. In the planning of the whole wedding and the living arrangements, it had been decided that I would get my own room now since I was, in society's eyes, a grown woman. But in the midst of all the planning, everyone had forgotten about my disabling fear and I didn't have the heart to remind them in the light of such a happy occasion.
My bedroom was not at all warm and inviting. It was cold and dark. The walls felt as if they were constructed from stone and the air felt so heavy that it felt like it was crushing the life out of me. I couldn't breathe as the creepy shadows of the trees danced along the wall, becoming large spiders that stalked me in my imagination.
Oh, how I wanted to run and hide away in Otou-san's or Souji's futon!
But Otou-san was now a newly wedded man and it is no secret what new couples do on their wedding night. In fact, since Otou-san's and Tsune-san's shared room was next to mine and I wasn't exactly drunk, I could actually hear them going at it. As much as Otou-san said he loved me and how much Tsune-san said she adored me, I doubt that either one of them would be happy if I interrupted.
Then there was Souji. He was a man and I was a woman now. We weren't kids. It'd be highly inappropriate for me to sneak over to his room now. Plus, he was probably sleeping off the alcohol now. Even though neither of us had romantic feelings for each other, sneaking into his room while he was drunk was quite stupid and risky to a point.
Unable to deal anymore, I kicked the blankets away and fled into the main hall in an attempt to calm myself. It didn't help. The only things to keep me company in the main hall were the jars and bottles of unfinished saké, which looked more like little gremlins and devilish imps in the dark. The loneliness was so suffocating that I actually had to force myself to vomit to prevent myself from being locked in a panic attack.
But, in the end, it was enough.
But there was alcohol everywhere and I couldn't stand being lucid anymore.
There was alcohol and all I had to do was reach out a grab a bottle, then my problems would vanish.
Alcohol.
A hand suddenly appeared out of the dark and snatched my wrist just as I reached out to grab a tempting bottle of alcohol.
"What are you doing?!"
It was Hijikata-san. He sounded furious, which in turn awakened the beast within me. I wasn't in the mood to deal with his questions and his anger. I felt betrayed.
"Why the hell do I have to answer to you?" I all but sneered back at him as I jerked my wrist out of his grasp, but all that did was force him to grab my shoulders.
"Answer me." His eyes widened slightly in shock at my uncharacteristic behavior but he refused to be intimidated, which made me want to punch him.
"None of your fucking business."
"Shizuka, stop," he said as I tried to escape. His hands on my shoulders felt like they were burning me. "You've never behaved like this before. Why are you acting like this now?" he demanded. "Are you unhappy with the marriage? You were the one that wanted them to get married."
"The whole world isn't centered on your man crush, Hijikata-san. Fuck off."
"You're afraid of being alone aren't you?" And just like that, all my anger fled as I sunk to my knees in despair. Everything came to a screeching halt. "You're afraid that you'll be forgotten."
Hijikata-san released me and knelt down in front of me. I couldn't face him. Not like this. I covered my face with my hands as I let out a sob.
"I hate this." My voice shook as I cried. "My mother abandoned me because she didn't want me and now Otou-san is married. He'll eventually forget me too, same as everyone else. They'll all forget me one day and I'll still be alone."
I felt so ashamed of myself. I had the mind of an adult, but I was chalk full of problems. I was nothing more than a pitiful child. An unimportant child.
"I can't stand this. I can't bear it. I feel so alone, so weak, so ashamed. Why…? Why won't my fear go away? I…"
Arms wrapped around me and I was pulled against a warm body.
"There's nothing to be ashamed of. We all have fears. You just have to remember, you're never truly alone because we can never forget you," Hijikata-san said as he held me close.
Truthfully, I had always known the words that he had spoken were true, but the gravity of those words never truly hit me until he said them. To me, his words were like a magic spell that released me from a terrible curse and suddenly, it felt like the chains were broken.
"Never?" I asked with my face still buried in the crook of his neck.
"Never," Hijikata-san answered with a soft ferocity that left me feeling so warm.
And at that moment, it felt like my monophobia was leaving my body through the tears that spilled out of my eyes. The unbearable fear, the shame, everything that once held me back and paralyzed me started to slowly leave through my tears. I stayed in that position that entire night and let the tears flow until I had no more left. Hijikata-san truly was a wonderful person and I was glad that he had come into my life.
[1] Murphy's law is an adage or epigram that is typically stated as: Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.