I do not own TYR
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"Lou you have to get up honey." Jimmy stressed as he held his hands out to her, not quite touching her.
He was scared as her body was still draped over Jacob's lifeless body. Her body was shaking as she sobbed loudly.
Jimmy looked back to the boys and Teaspoon what he should do. He had hoped that Jacob being dead would have laid to rest some of the demons that was plaguing them all, but Lou seemed to be in even more pain than she was a few hours before.
Jane pulled away from Buck and walked over to where Jimmy stood and Jacob and Lou lay. She placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder before kneeling down beside Lou.
She couldn't believe that she had spent all those days with Louise and she not once said a thing about what Jacob's men had done to her.
It saddened Jane to think how her new friend had been suffering while she was fighting to find out the truth about Amanda.
All this time Jane had thought that this was about Kid, Noah and Rachel, and of course it still was but it was also Lou had suffered.
Jane looked behind her at the broken faces of the boys and Teaspoon. They were all suffering they had all lost so much in such a small amount of time.
Jane turned back around to Lou and lightly placed a hand on Lou's back.
Lou not expecting the touch whimpered out loud as her body quickly shuddered at the intruding touch. Jane pulled her hand back whispering to Lou that it was only her and that she was sorry.
"Jane, he's dead." She cried as she pulled her body up right.
"He is," Jane said sadly. Jane knew that her friend had felt something for Jacob. It had been obvious, but now Jane knew why Lou denied it so.
"I didn't …" Lou cried as she clung to Jane.
Lou was heartbroken, she wanted to hate Jacob, she wanted to hate him so much. He had confessed, told her that he knew she would be raped, that his men would do that to her and yet she still felt something for him.
He was hurting. He was hurting just as much as the rest of them and it pained her to know that.
She wished she had killed him all those weeks ago. She wished that she didn't know he had a heart just like her and just like the rest of the family.
Lou couldn't even imagine watching your child being killed in front of you. She couldn't even imagine what that would do to a parent.
In Jacob's case it turned him black. It turned him black with hate and a deep desire for hostile revenge took over every fibre of his being. He couldn't see past the blood of his family. And not just one member, but all his family were taken from him.
Lou knew that kind of hate. After all that is why she rode to Benton in the first place.
Revenge.
It was a disease that had torn more than one family apart. It was a disease that ate you up from the inside out making you say and do the most repugnant things.
How does she live with herself after this? How does she move on with the ugly memories haunting her day and night?
"What now?" Lou asked out loud to know one and yet to everyone at the same time.
The boys all looked up at her waiting for her to elaborate further.
"I don't want to go back to that station. I don't want to go back to the express ever." She said in a matter of fact tone.
No one could blame her, and if they had it their way they too would never go back. But as the boys look to one another, and then to Teaspoon, they knew Teaspoon needed them to finish their job. After all there was talk that it wasn't going to be long before the Pony Express would no longer be needed. Their runs had already become fewer and fewer every week.
Jane could see that the boys were all looking to each other, and she had a feeling that they were tied to the express that they were not going to be able to just walk away. Lou on the other hand was dead set in the fact that she was not going back.
"We have to go back. Teaspoon has a job to do, he employed us to do that job. We can't just leave him to take care of it himself." Cody said seriously.
"I can't do it." Lou announced as she got up off the ground, her eyes darting to Teaspoon.
"You can stay here," Jane told her, thinking it might be kind of nice having another woman around. Lou and her seemed to get on just fine, she would not mind at all sharing her small place with her.
"I can't stay here either." Lou answered vacantly.
Dread filled Jimmy's body as he wondered just what Lou was going to do. "What are you thinking honey?" Jimmy had a feeling that if he, Lou and the boys rode off in different directions tonight then there was a good chance that they would not see one another again.
"I don't really know." Lou sighed, "I just feel like I need to just ride and…I feel lost. I feel as if I am not me anymore. I guess I want to find me again. I cannot do that being here or riding for the express. Both places have taken so much from me that I'm afraid if I go or stay then I am going to lose myself completely."
Lou walked up to Lightning. She could feel that ugliness inside of her bubbling to the surface. She needed to leave before she did something she couldn't take back.
"You're leaving now?"
"Why would I stay?"
Lou was crying as she struggled to fasten Lightening's saddle. She could feel all of their eyes on her, and she was scared to turn round in case she lost what little resolve she had.
"Lou please…" Jimmy carefully walked up to stand beside her.
"I can't Jimmy, I have to walk away."
"No you don't."
'I do' Lou thought to herself.
"Jimmy please before I say…or do anything I can't take back."
"Lou?"
"I…I…That night…I…" Lou struggled to string a sentence together. That hate was strangling her and consuming her thoughts and her words.
Closing her eyes Lou just said what was on the tip of her tongue. "A part of me hates you all." She cried out, "I hate you for not being able to help me when that man was taking me on the floor for all of you to witness. I hate you for not being able to help Rachel as she screamed out for help. I hate you for living while Noah and Kid are dead. I hate you for not believing me when I swore to you all that Amanda was mixed into this." Lou wailed as she turned to look at every one of the boys. She could see that her words were doing damage, but the hate inside of her wouldn't allow her to care.
"As much as I hate you it is nowhere near as much as I hate myself. I wasn't strong enough to fight that scum off of me. I wasn't strong enough to help Rachel when I was able too. I wasn't strong enough to protect Kid and Noah. I hate me. I FUCKING HATE ME! I hate me. Just a stupid worthless girl dressed like a ridiculous boy. Kid warned me, he warned me time and time again. 'It's dangerous Lou'…'You're going to get hurt Lou.' And what did I do?
I fought and I fought him. I hated him at times because he use to drive me crazy with his protectiveness. But how fucking right was he? I mean I proved it to him before he died. I proved it to all of you. There is no way I'm stronger than a man. There was no way I would be able to fight a man off of me. What a fucking joke. I bet Kid was thinking 'I told you so' as he watched me being thrown around like a rag doll.
I hate myself for crying, actually giving a damn about a man who set out to destroy us all. I mean I actually cared for him. Who does that? What sick mind gives a damn about a man like Jacob Pike? But I did." She looked down at Jacob.
Lou wiped at her eyes as she stared at the boys who were crying openly in front of her. "I will never go back there. I will never walk in that house again. I will never put Lightening in that barn, and I will never sleep in that bunkhouse." She stressed.
"And I don't think that I can look at any of you and not hold some blame towards you all. You don't deserve that. And you shouldn't want to look at me either."
"That ain't fare Lou, and deep down I know you know that." Jane snapped. She could not stand there and listen as Lou blamed the boys and herself for something that was quite obviously not in their control.
"You're right Jane it's not right, but it's the cold hard reality. I can't be around anyone at the moment, when I can't even bear to be around myself. "
"Louise…"
"Teaspoon, don't. Just don't." Lou yelled, "Tell me, where is your precious Amanda? What has she lost in all of this?"
"I'm sorry Lou…"
"It's all too late Teaspoon. The damage is done. He…" Lou pointed down to Jacob, "He wins. Amanda wins."
"He's dead Lou, he doesn't win."
"He died knowing that he had torn us apart. He died knowing that he had won."
"You can change that Lou. You can choose to continue to let him win or you can stand up and prove to him and you that he didn't destroy you. That he didn't destroy us."
"I can do that Teaspoon, but I still can't do that here or back at the station. I can't go back. I won't go back."
"Because of this piece of shit?" Jimmy didn't mean to say that, he also didn't mean to kick Jacob's dead body, but he was angry at Lou. She had hurt him and a sick part of him wanted to hurt her back.
"Step back from Mr Pike." Lou's eyes darted up to see Winston had his pistol pointed at Jimmy, while everyone else had their guns pointed at Winston.
"Winston?" Lou questioned, wondering how long he had been there.
"Miss, I need you to move." Lou was between Jimmy and Winston, there was no way she was moving or watching another person she loved be killed today.
So she shook her head no. and stayed where she was.
"Suit yourself." Lou watched in horror as Winston stepped to the side before firing his gun.
Lou didn't even think, she just dove and she dove on Jimmy.
Pain sliced through her side and then through her shoulder. She screamed out in pain and in shock as the sound of more gunfire filled the afternoon air.
"LOU!" Jimmy yelled, his arms protectively wrapping around her.
Jimmy quickly pulled her off of him and lay her gently down on the ground. Blood started to soak her clothing and his.
"Lou." He pushed her hair off of her face, "Lou," he cried again.
He looked down at her body to see how badly she was shot, but he knew, he just knew it was bad.
Her shoulder, her stomach.
His hands frantically ripped at her blouse, his eyes going to the large amount of blood pooling on her stomach.
Her hand gently touched his, but it took everything in her. "I…don't hate…"
"We know Lou, we know." And Jimmy did know that Lou didn't hate. She didn't have it in her to hate as much as she said she did. It just saddened him that she was pushed that far for her even to be able to mutter those words.
"You know you're going to be alright honey, because you are a hell of a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for." Jimmy adjusted them both so Lou's head was lying in his lap. "You think you aren't strong Lou but we all couldn't believe how courageous you were that night." Jimmy cried, unbelieving that he was about to lose her. "We watched as you were hit and thrown around that room yet you kept getting back up Lou. You didn't stop fighting, not once." He leant down and kissed her head. "The reason you felt for Jacob was because you don't have it in you to hate. You don't have it in you to truly hate anyone. You only saw that he was in pain. Your saw the good in him and that is why you felt the way you did. Don't you dare feel guilty about that."
He looked up to the family he had left, "We love you Lou. We all love you more than you could possibly ever know. And we are all so sorry honey that we couldn't help you, that we couldn't save you that day. We couldn't save you like you saved us." He kissed her again.
"And you just saved me again." Jimmy cried, holding her close.
"At least I did something right." Lou wheezed out in her last breath.
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Sorry.