Sunday, I called the scholarship committee, who had no problems or objections with me out of the dorm. When they asked why I wasn't using my meal card, I told them my boyfriend had been feeding me. That made them laugh. On Thursday we spent Thanksgiving with Edward's family, which, underneath my happy surface, was a nightmare.
After the meal, which I ate little of, but felt like a lot, I asked if I could go to the pharmacy. They more than willingly handed over the keys to their Mercedes and I took a trip to a secure place in the woods, where I disposed of the meal. I felt a little guilty for putting such wonderful food to waste, but I had fat that I needed to get rid of. They didn't suspect anything when I returned with a pharmacy bag. Out of courtesy, they didn't ask about the contents, which was my new best friend, Xenedrine.
Being around Edward was the best thing in the world…except when we ate. Every day when he went to hug me, he'd pull back and stare at my waist, which was, to my pleasure, was shrinking. Then he'd bring me back to the apartment and fix me something high in fat, carbs, and calories. It was a nightmare. I only got away three times during the week to get rid of it, with the excuse that I needed to go pack or study. I managed to remain at 104 pounds, but it was still too high, and I needed the double digit assurance that I'd fit into the size zero jeans.
The production was coming up fast, set for next Friday. I was more stressed than ever. My thighs still jiggled like loose doorknobs, my butt protruded from my back like the biggest, must rotund appendage in the world. It basically was so big, I'm pretty sure it had it's own gravitational pull.
Today, Edward brought the truck. I found him leaning against it when I got back from rehearsals, which was nightmare.
Alice is too observant. I'm lucky she doesn't see Edward much anymore, or else she'd relay everything that happens between us. Today she started talking and giggling with Angela, Jessica, and Lauren, and for some reason, I imagined them laughing at my figure. I snapped at them. Really snapped at them.
"Alice! Jessica! Lauren! Would you shut the hell up for five seconds so you can listen to what I'm telling you? No wonder you keep missing the second beat of the fifth eight-count! You won't shut up long enough to figure it out!" Alice looked hurt, Jessica and Lauren just looked embarrassed for being called out.
I walked up to Edward and threw my arms around him. "Thank God, I thought this day would never end." He kissed the top of my head and pushed off the truck, wrapping an arm around my waist.
"Rough day?" He asked.
"To put it lightly." When we walked through the doors, I picked up my mail from the slot. "I hope your day was better than mine."
"It actually went pretty well," he said brightly. "I was actually prepared for theory today since I spent my lunch hour practicing because somebody," he said pointedly, "had to rehearse a solo. Then rehearsals for next week's Thursday concert went smoothly, and now, I get to bring my beautiful and lovely girlfriend home. Permanently." We stepped into the elevators and he quickly pressed the 'close' button, then cornering me against the wall.
"Hot make-out session in the elevator. You are so original," I said sarcastically, wrapping my arms around his neck.
He smirked pressing his lips against mine. No one was going to be in the dorms on a Friday night. He wrapped his arms around me and for the first time today, I felt calm. Everything felt alright when Edward's arms were wound tightly around me. I relaxed into his embrace and let him take control.
The elevator rang when we reached my floor. I wasn't surprised to see the commons was crowded with people grinding against each other to terrible rap music; Jake being in the center of it. Edward sent me a sidelong glance and I just shrugged. Jake was the life of the party around here.
Jake caught sight of me and bounced over. "Bella!" He called out. He dug in his pocket and handed me a couple of tickets. "That's to the art display. You'll know which ones are mine. I think you've seen them all."
"Great!" I said, "When is it?"
"Next Saturday. You should come, and bring your roadie along," he joked. I shoved him playfully.
"Whatever Jake, I'll see you then." Just as I took a step, he called my attention.
"Will I not see you before then?"
I shook my head. "That's what I get for telling you things when your even remotely tipsy. I told you earlier this week that I'm moving out of the dorms." The sad look on his face caused a pang in my chest, but I pushed it aside.
"Oh, right. That was Tuesday night, right?" I nodded. "Yeah, sorry about that. Embry just knows how to party." He pulled me into a hug. "I'm sure gonna miss you around here Bells. Prepare for constant butt calls and drunk text messages." That made me laugh.
"I'll message you back with a well rehearsed motherly scolding." He pecked me on the cheek.
"No go pack before I chain you to the couch." He went back to his little dorm party.
"Do I smell weed?" Edward asked, his nose wrinkling.
"With Jake," I shrugged, "You never know."
Edward packed up my toiletries in the bathroom while I continued to work on my closet.
"Whoever shares this bathroom with you really needs to clean up after their drunken episodes," he said pointing into the toilet.
Shit. I tried to keep the color in my face and replied, "Well, I haven't really been here in two weeks, so I never really get to see them." Truth is, the next room is empty. The only person using that bathroom is me, and the reason it's so dirty is because I was to weak to clean after the purges.
He frowned, "Well, at least you're getting out of here. No more drugs in the commons, unhygienic bathroom mates, noisy parties during study hours, and no more stiff beds."
"Amen to that," I chuckled, still feeling a little on edge from his discovery.
Now that I would be living with him, I had no idea how I'd be getting rid of all the food. Of course, I didn't think I'd be purging often when I accepted his offer. I didn't want to, I mean, my teeth would suffer horribly and my breath would be horrifying, but I couldn't just let it sit there.
When we carried down all the boxes, I turned in my keys to the dorm advisor and walked out. Edward waited for me with the truck.
"Say 'Goodbye dorm!'" he said in a high-pitched voice, taking my hand and waving it at the dorm. I giggled and slapped his hand away.
"Goodbye dorm. Now lets go. It's cold out here." I hopped into the passenger seat and turned up the heater.
"Alice called me today," he said, keeping his eyes on the road. "She sounded pretty worried about you."
"What would she be worried about?" I mumbled.
"She's worried that you're too stressed and being over-worked." I could hear the accusation in his tone.
"She's just over-analyzing," I sighed, closing my eyes and trying to remain calm. "I'm stressed, but it's not at an unhealthy level. I've got two shows that I have to be prepared for. I'm in charge of one and playing the lead role in the other. Stress comes with the territory. Alice doesn't understand that. She's a dedicated dancer, I'll give her that, but she's not making it her life. Jasper is her life." In my mind, I was about to say that she just wasn't as serious a dancer, but that would've sounded insulting, so I turned it into something a little more romantic. Hopefully I could keep a leash on those errant thoughts.
He nodded in agreement. "I will agree with you on that. She would give up anything for Jasper, but he would never ask her to." He took my hand over the console. "Maybe you should just take an extra day off to relax. You are under a lot of pressure right now."
I scoffed. "Take a break the week of production? I don't think so. And I put everything I have into my showcase. I'm giving it a hundred and ten percent all the way. My dancers are doing the same. I can't just quit because I'm tired. It's not fair." This was true. My heart and soul went into putting it together. Even though some days I want to rip them apart, my dancers put the same amount of effort into the dances that I did choreographing them.
"It was just a suggestion," he said gently. "I'm just worried about you."
"Well don't be," I said simply. "I'm fine. After the showcase, it's winter break, so no break until then." He didn't argue.
The doorman for Edward's apartment helped us carry in all my boxes. Edward and I tried carrying as many boxes as possible to curtail the number of trips we had to take. The wood floors never looked so uneven after the third trip.
"Edward," I said, my voice wavering. "I think I need to sit down for a second." The floor spun, and the dizziness was sickening. I felt myself slipping to the floor, but I didn't have the strength to stop it. I hadn't eaten anything since yesterday at the Thanksgiving dinner. After I purged that, I snuck out the window and ran six miles. My lack of energy finally caught up with me.
"Whoa!" Edward caught me just before I went crashing down. I heard boxes tip over and I hoped nothing fragile was in them. "Bella, are you alright?" His voice went rigid with worry.
"Yeah," I breathed, trying to steady my breath. "Could you just set me on the couch?" I tried desperately to keep my eyes open, but the black and the sparkles started closing in from my peripherals. I could barely feel the couch beneath me before I completely succumbed to the darkness.
When I came to, it felt like seconds later. Edward, stricken with worry, sat on the floor next to my head, brushing my hair with his hand.
"Welcome back," he whispered.
I smiled weakly. "How long was I out?"
He shrugged, "Fifteen minutes maybe. How do you feel?"
"More relaxed than I have been in a long time." I felt tired and worn out, but at least I was comfortable and with Edward, in our apartment. It was more than I could ask for.
"Do you want to rest in bed?" He asked.
Slowly, I sat up, preparing myself for any dizziness that might attack me. Edward held tight to my arm. "No, I want to start unpacking. I don't want all these boxes just lying around."
"I think we should go get you checked out first. You look awfully pale." The suggestion startled me.
"I'm fine," I insisted, "I'm just worn out. A good night's sleep will do me good." He didn't appear to be convinced.
"If you're dehydrated then you need an IV," he argued.
His persistence really annoyed me. "If I'm dehydrated then I'll just drink some more water. Look," I said, "I can't afford to go to the hospital. The scholarship committee will hear about it, then they'll see me as a liability rather than an asset for the hospital bill. I won't allow you to pay for it," I beat him to the punch. "You've already offered me a place here, you take me to fancy dinners and formal concerts, your mom and sister have bought me clothes I'd have to save years for. I'm overwhelmed with generosity, and I don't want to feel like a charity case. Please, just let it be," I begged.
He didn't look happy, but he obliged. "Alright. But you are going to re-hydrate," he said, taking a water bottle from behind him, "and relax. If you insist on unpacking, you can have closet duty."
"Deal." I took a long swig of water. "Satisfied?"
"Somewhat," he took my hand and pulled me up from the couch. The world didn't spin and I felt relieved. He pulled me into his arms and kissed the top of my head. "I love you."
My heart skipped a beat. "I love you, too." I looked up and he bent down for a kiss.
He started unpacking all my school things and putting them in the study. I went to the bedroom and started unpacking my wardrobe. My clothes took up the empty half of the master closet. When I opened up my box of bathroom toiletries, I found the salt. I panicked. If Edward knew what this was for…
"Edward," I called. His head popped into the room a few minutes later. I showed him the box of salt. "Why is there a box of salt with my bathroom stuff?" I played dumb. He bought it.
He looked confused. "It was in the bathroom. I just assumed it was yours. Now why you would need salt in a bathroom is beyond me."
"Must be from a previous class," I said dismissively, putting it under my bathroom sink.
He went back, satisfied with my conclusion. I still had a lot to cover up.
He demanded we take a break for dinner. He made grilled cheese, I said my stomach felt a little uneasy and had a bowl of low-calorie soup. After dinner, he sat at the piano and practiced while I continued unpacking. When I came across my pill container, I realized one was missing under Saturday and Sunday.
"I need to run to the pharmacy to get my prescription refilled," I told Edward slipping on my boots and winter coat.
He stopped playing. "Do you want me to go with you?" He asked.
"No, just keep practicing. I'll be back in a few." I grabbed my messenger bag and threw it over my shoulder.
"Be safe," he called back.
"Call me if you need anything." Despite my fainting spell, I took the stairs since I ate. The sun had already set, despite the time. Winter really began to set in with it's cold temperatures and brisk winds. Snow would start falling soon.
I walked several blocks to the pharmacy. Just to be sure, I slipped down each aisle to make sure I didn't need anything. When I walked down the health aisle, a stick thin girl, no older than eighteen, with pulled back blonde hair and painted nails was contemplating over laxatives. I was startled. She looked up at me and smirked.
"You are such a noob," she said, giving me a glance-over.
"Excuse me?" I asked.
She pointed. "Your skin is beginning to get dry, your hair doesn't have any luster to it, and your nails are getting flaky. Anyone with a basic health education knows what you're up to." She turned back to the shelves.
I was about to tell her to stop and get help, but I didn't want to be a hypocrite. So instead, I asked, "What do you recommend?"
She smiled and pulled me down the cosmetics aisle, showing me some body lotions. "Aveeno works wonders for your skin. It works practically over-night. As for the hair, yours looks like it needs major treatment since you have a ton of it. I have the same problem, and I just use Pantein. As for the nails," she looked at my face for a moment, "crimson. Crimson would look good on you."
"How long have you been doing this?" I asked incredulously.
She shrugged. "Since I was fifteen. So about three years. How long have you been doing it?" She shot back.
"Doing what? Starving myself or purging?" I mumbled, not wanting everyone to hear.
"Either."
"Starving for two months, purging for two weeks." She gawked.
"Jesus! How much have you lost?" She looked impressed, which, regretfully, made me feel good.
"Well, I lost ten the first couple of weeks, it's been fluctuating ever since. My boyfriend is always feeding me, and I don't always have the opportunity to purge afterwards. He was about to take me to the hospital earlier this evening after I passed out."
"Does he know?"
"Good God, no," I gasped. "He'd flip shit if he knew. And his dad is a doctor at the hospital, so that would result in embarrassment. His sister is suspicious though." Why was I confiding in a girl four years younger than me in the middle of a cosmetics aisle? Shouldn't I be calling her parents telling them to get a counselor?
"I still can't believe how skinny you look. How'd you lose the weight?"
"Full-time dancer," I explained.
She nodded and stuck out her hand. "Jane," she said.
"Bella," I shook it.
"Well, it was nice meeting you, Bella. I hope I get to see you around. I have to get home before the rents think I'm up to something."
"I'd tell you to stop and get help, but that sounds really hypocritical, doesn't it?" She was still so young. She didn't need the pressure.
She scoffed. "You think I haven't tried? Once you start, it's nearly impossible to stop. You'll see. After ten shrinks and four inpatient facilities, you learn." She purchased her laxatives in the self-checkout and left me standing in the cosmetics aisle with a basket of lotion, hair products, and birth-control.
When I got back to the apartment, Edward was settled on the couch.
"Did you get what you need?" He asked.
"Yup. Are you sure you didn't need anything?" He stuck his hand up and I walked over and took it. He guided me around the couch and pulled me to straddle his lap.
"I've got everything I need right here." He pulled my face to his gently. He wound his arms around my waist, almost wrapping twice. "You're too thin," he mumbled against my lips.
"I think that's a matter of opinion," I argued between kisses. He pulled me tighter and forgot about the subject completely.
"I think we should celebrate," he said suggestively. I unbuttoned his shirt and slipped my hands inside.
"How do you think we should do that?" I whispered.
He moaned and the sound sent chills down my spine. "By spending all weekend in bed." He stood up, holding me close to him. "And putting your flexibility to the test," he smirked. He locked the bedroom door behind him.
The banging on the door woke me with a start, that induced a head rush. Edward was already slipping on pajama pants. "What in hell…?"
"Edward! I have to talk to you!" Alice yelled unnecessarily loud. "It's about--!" When Edward opened the bedroom door, she stopped yelling and glanced at me. The panicked expression on her face quickly disappeared and she smiled at me, trying to cover myself in the bed. "Oh," she said with surprise, "Morning Bella!"
"Morning Alice," I greeted. She forced a broader smile. Her strange reaction to me being here made me suspicious.
"What do you need to discuss that is so damn important?" Edward demanded, bringing her attention back to him.
"Uh," she said, her eyes shifted back to me, several times. "I just wanted to speak to you about some family matters."
"Bella is family. Now what do you want?"
She still seemed uncertain with my presence. "Alice, just spit it out," I said. She sighed and pushed Edward back inside, then sitting on the edge of the bed next to me.
"Lauren has been saying some…pretty disturbing things about you," she said softly. "And the scary part is, it makes sense." She looked at me, eyes apologetic.
"What kind of things?" I asked. I've heard several vicious rumors told about me over the years. I don't think it's anything I haven't heard before.
She looked back at Edward. "Could you excuse us for a moment?"
He scoffed. "First you bang on the door for me and then--"
"It's okay, Edward," I said. "Go fix some breakfast or something." He glanced between the two of us before leaving, muttering, "women."
Alice turned back to me. "She's been saying that," she struggled to find the right words, "that you don't eat anymore, that you," she winced, "throw up everything you eat. It's not true right? I mean, I know you've been really stressed lately and kind of short-tempered, but that's expected right? She's just being petty and jealous, right? Like she's always been?" Alice looked worried, and frankly, quite scared.
I sighed. "Well, and I thought I heard them all," I muttered. "No, Alice, I'm not starving. I've been eating with Edward. You can ask him. And, where the hell did Lauren come up with the purging? When did she come up with that idea?" I hated lying to Alice, she's so observant, but she believed me.
Alice breathed with relief. "She said after rehearsal at the beginning of last week, she went to your dorm to go apologize for being such a bitch to you in rehearsals, that day I apologized to you right after, and she said when she went to your room, she heard you throwing up."
I used Edward's accusation. "That was the girl I share the bathroom with. Jake's friend, Leah, always gets drunk and, well, you know," I shrugged. My hands, under the sheets, were shaking from the hypoglycemic attack I was having, but I couldn't let Alice see.
She sighed. "Okay, well I just wanted to get that cleared up." She stood up to leave, but something was bothering me.
"Why did you come to tell Edward?" I asked. "Why didn't you just come to me first?" She froze and turned around looking mildly guilty.
"Well, when Lauren told me, she sounded scared herself, not like the gossipy tone she usually talks in. So I believed her. I knew you and Edward were really close, close enough to live with each other apparently, so I figured if anyone could help you, then he would. When I heard, I was so scared for you, and I wanted to get you help. I'm sorry I jumped to conclusions."
"Hey," I said softly, "It's okay. I'm fine, and that's all that matters, not to sound narcissistic or anything," she giggled.
"You're naked." She pointed out. "In Edward's bed."
I rolled my eyes. "I was wondering when you would notice."
"Is he any good?" She asked with an eyebrow wiggle.
I threw a pillow at her and laughed. "Ew! Alice! He's your brother!" She chuckled and threw the pillow back at me.
"So?" She exclaimed. "Pretend he's not my brother. Now, how is it?" I laughed at her ridiculous topic for discussion.
"He's…very attentive, knows how to please a girl, and thankfully, not into kinky sex. That stuff just weirds me out." She laughed.
"No kinky toys?"
"No kinky toys. Now can I take a shower and get dressed? Or is there something else you want to probe out of me?" She shook her head and stood up, finding her way out.
After my shower, I stepped on the scale.
102.
At least that's better than 104. I applied the lotion Jane recommended, slipped on a large cream-colored turtle-neck and black leggings. I took out my box of nail-polish and began to cover my nails. They took on a strange blue tint recently, and I was glad I took Jane's advice. The nails were pretty obvious. After I let them dry, I walked out into the family room, where Alice and Edward were conversing quietly.
"Hey guys," I alerted them of my presence. Edward invited me to sit on his lap and I complied. "So what are you up to today, Alice?" I asked.
"Jasper flew to San Francisco to interview with the symphony, so I thought I'd hang out with you guys today." She shrugged, then smiled brightly. "I'm starved. How about lunch?"