Tensions
Logan was gone nearly three weeks that time. When he returned, he never said one word to her about what had happened, but he never again entered her room without first asking her if it was okay to come in. That he felt compelled to ask was just another reminder of how much things had changed between them. They still had coffee and talked as usual but there was always an underlying sense of tension between them now; intimacy without the softer notes of sexual satiation. Marie was glad that it was May and graduation was just around the corner.
Graduation was just one more hurdle she had to jump over. She knew Logan would find it easier to think of her as a woman when she didn't say things like, 'I'm sorry I can't talk tonight. I have too much homework.' Marie spent a lot of time studying as graduation neared and it seemed like a bit of a relief to Logan.
As it grew closer and closer, it seemed Logan was becoming more tightly wound. Marie was worried that another scene like before might snap his control. She also knew that if he really felt like he could no longer control himself around her that he would leave until her birthday. It was a hard road to walk. For the millionth time she wished her birthday was sooner that November third. That seemed like an eternity to wait.
The previous night she and Logan had gone for a walk in the woods surrounding the school. Marie loved to watch Logan in the woods, especially at night. He was truly in his element, a predator in his prime, prowling gracefully at her side. He always seemed more at ease there than he did anywhere else, particularly these days. It was during these nighttime walks she learned about Logan's playful side.
Sometimes he would disappear into the forest and sneak up on her, popping out from behind a tree or dropping down from a branch. Once he had appeared from his hiding place and tucked a wildflower behind her ear before melting back into the night. He seemed so free here and she loved listening to his quiet, rumbley laughter. She knew it was a side of himself he didn't show to many people. Logan - being Logan - didn't ever wax poetic about it; he simply told her he liked 'feeling the night.'
After their walk they had returned to Marie's room to watch a movie. Warm from the walk, Logan had shucked his flannel shirt and tossed it over the back of her chair.
Lord, the man certainly does fill out that tank in all the right places.
If Marie had been privy to Logan's thoughts she might have laughed as his thoughts were running along similar lines.
Christ, that little top. Those goddamn curves. Get your shit together, bub.
They settled in to watch the movie together. After it was over they talked a bit, enjoying one of the less tension-filled evenings they had shared in quite some time. Both of them had the same thought. Perhaps making it to November was going to be easier than they had anticipated. Eventually, Logan ran out of beer and Marie ran out of things to say and they said a quiet goodnight at her door before Logan went back to his room.
Marie closed the door softly, thankful that nothing had happened tonight to put a strain on Logan's control. It was nice to just relax for once and not worry that something she had unwittingly done had yet again twisted him into knots. While she appreciated the sentiment behind his reason to wait, the waiting itself was beginning to wear on her. This arbitrary period of enforced celibacy was slightly ridiculous given she had every right in the world to march down the hall and kiss him breathless.
The things she did for him.
Marie undressed and got ready for bed, thinking that it was getting more and more difficult to say goodnight to him. She wanted to stay with him all night long. To feel his chest rise and fall in sleep. To feel sated in his arms. Her body loose and his flesh soft and silky instead of full and imposing. She wanted to have that with him. To be vulnerable. A softening, emotionally as well as physically. After brushing her teeth, she returned to the bedroom and noticed his shirt hanging over the back of her chair. She picked it up and held it to her face, breathing in his scent. It was heaver, stronger than usual and she liked it. It made her wonder what he had been doing before they'd taken a walk tonight. The scent made a slow, hot and heavy feeling settle low in her belly.
I love the way he smells.
Marie slid her arms into the shirt and pulled it around her small frame.
Not as good as his arms, but still nice.
She turned off the light and slid into bed wearing nothing but Logan's shirt and his tags. The thought gave her a little thrill and she was sure he wouldn't mind. She borrowed clean things from his closet from time to time. If that was okay with him, surely he wouldn't mind her sleeping in one he had already worn. It was nice to go to sleep surrounded by his scent, comforting and soothing.
The buzzing of her alarm clock woke Marie again from her pleasant dreams. Another amorous dream of him. She didn't remember how many times she had hit the snooze trying to recapture the lingering, fluttery feelings, but she knew it was more than three, which meant that if she wanted to meet Logan for coffee, she was going to have to hurry. She jumped out of bed, brushed her teeth, put on a minimal amount of make-up and ran a brush through her hair. Reluctantly she removed his shirt and dressed in a pair of old jeans and a fitted black t-shirt. She added her ever-present scarf and gloves, zipped up her boots and she was ready.
Marie checked her clock. Skipping her shower had given her enough time to catch Logan in his room and return the shirt before they went down for coffee. Marie grabbed her backpack and Logan's shirt and headed for his room. She knocked softly on his door.
"C'mon in."
Marie came in and sat down in his chair, laying the shirt across the foot of the bed as she passed by. "Morning, Logan. I brought back your shirt. You left it in my room last night." He was in the bathroom shirtless and shaving.
Wow, does he look good. Just the jeans and nothing else. Just like the first time I saw him. I'll definitely take a helping of that. Yes, please.
Her breath caught. She loved watching him shave. The intimate care of his body. There had been a lot of women in his past. She knew that. But none of them had been given this intimacy. She smiled, watching his the naked muscles of his back flex and move as he shaved with quick, precise motions.
Logan finished shaving and came out of the bathroom, pulling a shirt over his head as he emerged. He froze, staring at her with incredulous eyes, his nostrils flaring.
"What the hell?" He snarled. "Goddammit, kid. Why the fuck is my scent all over your skin?"
"Logan, I didn't mean-"
He cut her off. It wasn't just the scent of his sweat on her skin. Under it were the faint luscious notes of her arousal. That volatile combination sent him careening of the edge. "Christ, Marie, you smell like we've..." he swallowed hard, still looking at her in disbelief. "You smell like you just crawled out of my goddamn bed," he snarled, backing away from her now, giving her a clear path to the door. His eyes were positively feral. That combination of scents on her skin? He was going to lose it. He was losing it.
She had never seen that look on his face before. It made what happened in the hall a few weeks ago look like kid stuff. She didn't wait for him to order her from the room, she just went. As soon as she closed the door she heard the unmistakable sound of a zipper and a low groan. Marie stood trembling outside his door. Her heart was beating loudly and she could hear the blood roaring in her ears. She was rooted to the spot, listening to the sounds Logan was making.
Marie was glad she was alone in the hall. Anyone passing by would have heard him. While he wasn't overly vocal, he wasn't suppressing his sounds either. Typical Logan, sex was another part of life. He didn't go around boasting about it, but he didn't try to hide it from anyone either. Marie was certain he wouldn't be embarrassed if anyone happened to overhear him. Such self-assuredness was incredibly attractive.
Marie left Logan's door and headed to the cafeteria. She was positive he wouldn't be joining her for coffee this morning judging from the sounds he had been making when she left. She had him in her head. While she hadn't delved too deeply into the more intimate memories she had absorbed from him, she knew enough to know exactly what those sounds meant.
A part of her was glad he wasn't going to be joining her for coffee. She was tired of him being upset with her for things like this when she never meant for them to happen. Granted, he never spoke about them when he got back from where ever it was he went when he disappeared, but it was difficult nonetheless.
She couldn't be too mad at him though. She knew this whole thing was a lot harder on him than it was on her. Marie finished off her coffee and headed to class, idly wondering how long he was going to disappear for this time.
Marie was absolutely shocked when Logan found her outside after class. She really wasn't in the mood to smile through lunch like everything was fine when it wasn't. Jubes would see right through that and she didn't want to talk about what was wrong.
"Hey, kid. Wanna go for a walk?" he asked, thinking that with his behavior earlier, he'd be lucky if she'd even talk to him at all.
She nodded and followed him outside. The fact that he hadn't used their standard greeting told her a good deal about his state of mind. They walked in silence over the manicured lawn and he led them into the woods. When he was sure they had gone far enough for certain privacy, he stopped. Marie sat down on a fallen log and toyed with the fringe on her scarf.
"I'm sorry about this mornin', darlin'."
Marie blushed, remembering his sounds. "It's okay. I'm sorry about the shirt-"
"Fuck the shirt. This ain't about the shirt." He cut her off. "It's about me bein' an asshole. It's not your fault, baby, it's mine. I'm sorry for snappin' at you the way I did and I'm sorry for what happened after even more."
"That you-"
He cut her off a second time. "No. I'm sorry that I didn't even wait 'till you were gone. I knew you were still outside the door and I couldn't even stop myself." He looked away from her off into the forest. "I hate that part of myself, darlin'. I hate the way it thinks and I hate it even more that there are times I can't control it. I don't wanna be that animal," he whispered brokenly. "Especially not with you."
"I know. And I don't want to be untouchable and seventeen," she sighed. "We can't change what we are. You can't deny the animal in you any more that I can shed my skin or suddenly age myself up five years so you feel better about us." She looked over at him. "I accept the animal part of you the same way you accept that you can't touch me." She smiled at him as she saw some of the tension drain from him. "Besides, I like it."
"What?"
"I like it. It makes me feel safe."
"Safe?" That blew his mind.
"Yes. Definitely. Safe. Settled but excited too. It's kinda sexy when you get all growly."
Kinda sexy? Come on, Marie, it's downright dangerous and you love it.
Marie was certain now was not the best time to share that little gem of information.
"Marie," he scolded. But to be honest, he loved hearing that she thought his growling was sexy. It was such an animal thing. Sometimes he felt uncomfortable about that aspect and he was thankful she liked it.
She laughed lightly but her face was still serious. "What's different this time?"
"You mean how come I didn't run?"
"Yeah."
"Because it doesn't help."
Marie looked at him quizzically.
"Well, I'll probably always like just gettin' on the bike and goin'. I don't s'pose that's gonna change. I like the freedom," he said, and Marie nodded. "But runnin' from our problems ain't helpin'. Sure, the distance helps some, but a long drive could do that. The days and weeks I'm gone - that's just me bein' a dick. I feel the same way whether I'm here or I'm there. Eventually, I have to deal with it, so this time instead of pissin' and moanin' about it in a bar for two weeks, I decided to just deal with it now."
I guess Marie ain't the only one who had some growin' to do. That fuckin' hurt.
"I'm not sayin' that I'm done runnin'. I'm just done runnin' from you."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"Thanks, Logan." Marie smiled at him, her heart in her eyes. "Because it's not really that easy for me either sometimes."
His expression was open but a little sad. "Hard on ya when I go?"
"Some. It's not just that. You know I have a temper. I'm kinda tired of you blowing up at me for things that aren't my fault or that I can't control. Sometimes I just wanna go off on you and while I realize that's not the best idea, it's like I'm all wound up with no way to come down after. I know we don't really talk about it when you get back, but it's still pretty rough. I get it's difficult for you... I really get that, but sometimes it sucks for me too."
"Sorry."
"It's just..."
"Hey. Don't stop there. It's just what?"
"It's just sometimes I wonder if all of the knots we're trying ourselves into... if all that's really worth it for just for a date change. November is a long time away," she added gently. "Sometimes it feels a little like this thing with you sticking it out to the bitter end, the challenge of that, has become more important than the reasons you wanted to wait in the beginning. You hate to lose at anything."
He thought that over.
"There's a lot I wanna say to that. You're right, I don't liketa lose. Fuckin' hate it. And it is a challenge. Something hard I set for myself that I wanna do good at. It's important to me to prove to myself - and to you - that I'm stronger. Not him. Not the animal. Me. Before anythin' happens with you, I hafta know that I'm the one drivin' this train."
She squeezed his hand lightly. "Logan-"
He shook his head and cut her off.
"It ain't just about that though. It's... umph." He drew in a deep breath and collected his thoughts. "I'm- I don't have a real good track record. I've fucked up almost everythin' good that's ever come my way. You- you're the best thing. I don't wantcha to be somethin' else I fucked up. I can heal from a lot, baby. But not that. Not that."
"You're not going to hurt me."
"I dunno." He didn't seem too sure. "Look, I know it seems stupid to you. The waitin'. It ain't about a number. It's about earnin' the right to have ya. And makin' sure that when I do, it's because it's the right time, not just because I couldn't wait."
Her eyes were wet. "Logan, you've saved my life twice. How much more can one man give?"
He smiled softly.
"As much as you need, kid." The tender look eased into something more playful. "Besides, that was easy, darlin'. A goddamn cakewalk compared to this." He shrugged lightly, pulling her to him. It was less a hug and more a full body press, but a nice one. A sweet one. "We good?"
"Definitely all good here."
Logan grinned at her. "Good. Enough of this Oprah shit. I'm hungry. You wanna go for burgers?" Enhanced healing meant enhanced metabolisms that needed a lot of food to keep up with the demand.
Marie laughed. That was the Logan she knew. Gruff and prickly with a heart of gold and a soft side nobody but her knew about. Her eyes twinkled at him. "Ok, race ya back."
He watched her departing form through the trees, feeling a warmth in his chest. This thing with her, it was getting out of control. He knew it. She knew it.
It was only a matter of time now.