Chapter Ten: Ryou

I've been drinking by myself because I have tomorrow off and don't want to go out with my damn coworkers. Fucking Christmas. Hate it.

By the time Kanji gets here, I'm going to be pretty plastered. But I can't muster up enough anything to care.

Why's he even coming by today? Nanako's over at her friend's.

Dumb, friendly...

Reminds me a little of the good parts of—

I sigh and pop open another can. Shove it down.

Shove it all down.

I don't know if I fell asleep or actually passed out, but the next thing I notice is someone shaking me. Kanji is looking down at me, concerned

"What's wrong?" he asks. "You don't look so good... I know you were clearly drinking, but are you sick?"

Yes.

He leans down and presses our foreheads together, concentrating to see if I have a fever.

For fucks' sake—Yes I am sick.

And it's a blindingly searing guilt—knowing I've let this go unchecked, let us get so close, and now I have to take it away—like a dull blade sawing through my heart.

"Kanji," I start, and my voice cracks. I grind my forehead into his and can see the kid's trusting eyes full of worry. "You can't—" I sigh loudly.

Before I lose my nerve like again. Before I decide it's nothing again.

Before I convince myself it's nothing again.

I take a deep breath. "Don't stay over here anymore."

"W-why?" he blankly questions. Not following because it was a complete non-sequitur.

I grumble and lay down on the couch again. "Because you can't, Kanji."

"That's so not fair!" he shouts, folding his arms. So loud. "Why do you get to decide that on your own?"

I roll over and face the wall. I hope he goes away.

He doesn't.

"Oi!" Kanji yells. "I'm talking to you!" He tries to roll me over and eventually succeeds.

Make this a lesson—

Before I can think better of it, when he grabs me by the collar and gets in my face to yell at me again, I kiss him. I just do it, praying he'll get the message and go the fuck away.

Just stay away this time. Don't make me say it—

Kanji drops me—Shocked. He opens and closes his mouth a few times, at a loss for words.

"Get out!" I bark. "Leave your key."

Kanji looks like I punched him in the gut. He scrambles to the front hall and I can see him take his key off the fob he has. He throws it on the table with the phone.

I hear the front door slam a short time later.

'This is what you had to do,' I tell myself.

'It's better this way,' I try again.

'At least you threw this one out yourself,' I plead with my brain.

No go. I drink until I pass out again.