Part two of 'Live Dying or Die Trying' AKA High!Bolin scene.
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This particular chappie is dedicated to my friend, and fellow fanfiction writer Boasamishipper "Boa" for all she has done for me. Thank you, Boa, and I hope you enjoy :)
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Bolin's words slam hard into Mako, feeling like lead weights and he can't stop his knee-jerk reaction, "Well I care."
Bolin looks up at Mako, his green eyes wavering. He looks back down as he says, "I don't...I don't know if that's enough."
"I already told you," Mako says instantly, "I'll just have to have enough hope for the both of us right now. I'll stay with you. Spend more time with you. I'm sure I could talk to Lin about taking some time off of work, and-"
"Mako." Bolin stops him. "I don't think you understand. I was-I actually feel...felt...mad at you for saving me. I resented you. I think I almost h-" but Bolin can't seem to finish.
"You almost...hated me?" Mako finishes in a small voice. Mako feels like a tongue of a poisonous Shirshu is tearing at his chest, but he manages to keep his voice steady.
Bolin keeps his eyes fixed on Mako's, his expression somehow guilty and searching at the same time.
He nods like he doesn't trust his own voice.
Mako reaches over to place a comforting hand on Bolin's shoulder. "It's okay, Bolin. I don't care."
"Well, you should care!" Bolin shouts. "Y-you saved my life and all I can do is think about how mad that makes me!"
"I still don't care." Mako says, surprising even himself with how calm he sounds.
"Why not?" Bolin asks, looking more lost than Mako's seen him look in a long time.
"Bolin, you can be mad at me, resent me, hell, even hate me. I don't care. Really, I can handle whatever you throw at me," Mako holds Bolin's gaze, "Just please. Please stay alive. I can't promise you everything is going to be sunshine and water butterflies, or that it will all be better, but you won't be able to find out unless you stay strong and hold out. And I know," Mako swallows thickly, his voice losing its force,"I know it might be a lot of I ask, but please believe me when I tell you I wouldn't ask you to do something I didn't think you could do."
The silence in the room is bitter and thick as the two brothers look at eachother. Finally after a few moments- too long for Mako's taste- Bolin blinks his watery eyes and nods slowly.
"Okay." His says quietly, "I'll try my best."
Mako refrains himself from crushing him in a huge hug that would only injure him further, and manages to gently wipe his brother's sweaty bangs from his forehead with an effectionate smile.
"That's all I need, little bro."
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The rest of day goes fairly well, albeit a bit too slow for Mako's taste. He just wants his brother to return to his spunky, over-enthusiastic self, but Mako knows his brother will never be the same again, and it's wishing thinking-almost selfishly- on his part. So he settles for smiling through the his brother's grimaces and painful moans, giving petty reassurances when the antibiotics make his gut twist inside out and vomit for the third time in one hour, all while keeping a firm grip on his hand.
He soothes. Because that is what he was born to do.
Remember when you were like a storm? When the earth fell to your whim, and you were just so undeniably alive?
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I do.
Loosing over half his blood left Bolin too tired and weak to do much, and Mako sits by as Bolin spends the first day awake, bundled under the blankets, and nibbling on some bread and ginger ale. Mako tells Bolin some of his new one-liners he made up while he was in out cold, much to the responses of 'That's so cheesy' and 'you're such a dork'.
Bolin goes to sleep early that evening with pain written in the crease between his eyebrows and the clench of his teeth. By nine P.M, Korra and Asami drag him out of the room, and he somehow ends up with them in Asami's car, speeding down the bridge to the Air Temple. He's too tired to argue.
"You need to take care of yourself, too, Mako," Korra tells him with a hand on his shoulder that would normally be reassuring. "And a shower wouldn't hurt."
He sees Asami's smirk reflect back at him through the rearview mirror. It's the first time since that horribleness over five night's ago, that it hits him that he is still in his same white undershirt- now a bit dingy from sweat and looking like tin foil- and the stumble dusting his chin makes itself known. He rubs the stiff hair back and forth with his palm, and decides that a shower is a good thing. Bolin will be okay while he takes a shower.
Taking the bandage off the crook of his elbow where he gave Bolin blood, is another battle all together.
He closes his eyes and imagines eight-year-old Bolin and his tiny fists, moving his arms and watching the earth move with him for the very first time.
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The next morning, the nurse checks Bolin's vitals and, and pulls Mako out of the room by the cuff of his sleeve. Her tired eyes look sincere, yet it's the painful truth that Mako does not want to hear at the moment, because, so, how's he doing? He's getting better, right?
The way her sigh escapes her mouth, and her eyes briefly flicker, makes his heart drop to his knees. She says that, while his fever is gone, he is still too dehydrated and has a risk of going into shock again if he continues to vomit up the antibiotics. Mako may need to give him more blood. They can't let him leave and get his stiches out until he gets better.
It's only been three days, he reminds himself, Bo just needs time to heal.
But does he /want/ to?
Mako wishes he knew the answer.
Sure, he'd be busy burying himself into his work at the precinct again, and even though he could easily let it consume him, ultimately, he wouldn't be able to not pay visits to check on his condition — even if Bolin was reluctant on it, and relentlessly insisting that Mako go spend his time elsewhere and not watch him stay in a bed.
Where his brother gets his stubbornness from, Mako has yet to find.
They listen to the pro-bending stats on the radio, and Bolin laughs and he manages to get a bowl of soup down without vomiting. Phantom Pain vanishes for a little while, numbed by the heat of Mako's hand in his, and the gentleness of Asami's stories, and the newspaper clippings that Korra cuts out. It's a reminder that the world continues on, and that the small world that they have created will wait for him until he's ready.
"Get well soon, Bo, okay?" Asami squeezes his knee, "I need my assistant back in action."
Bolin smiles, however, half-heartedly.
It is a good day.
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"Then I'll just have to have enough hope for the both of us. We'll take it day by day."
There are good days, and there are bad days.
Mako fights for the good days, but it's Bolin that's always been the optimist.
The bad days come like a bitter sting on his palm that just won't go away:
And he had a really bad night last night. His breathing got stained enough that we had to put him on the tube to help him. I don't think he slept much either.
W-what can I do to help?
She sighs: You need to get him to eat.
And really, he should have seen it coming when the glassy-eyed nurse grabs him delicately by the cuff and pulls him into the hallway, her lips turned down in a scowl because really there's nothing left to do for him, not until we get some food in his system and then maybe, just maybe, he can heal. He needs to fight the infection off, and get his strength back, or else we might as well cut the rest of him off...
And it's not the thought of watching him wither away that hurts. Not the way he keeps vomiting, and gasping for breath, or how Mako can't protect him from the battle waging inside him. Because Mako stupidly had hoped that, once he actually woke up, that he'd be okay. They had stitched him, and he'd rest for a day or two, and then they'd be on there way. No. And that's not what hurts the most. It's the maybes, (we can try this; this medicine may work better for him) and the what-more-is-there-left-to-dos, the fact that his baby brother's fate is hanging in the balance, so he nods his head in understanding at the nurse, and mumbles a quick promise. And after she's walked away, he holds his head in his hand and tries to numb the terror that threatens to drown him; because Bolin is all he has left in this world, and how can he not see that?
How can he be so blind?
Mako adjusts his collar and haphazardly, and pulls himself together before reentering the room and taking the seat closest to Bolin's bed. He is curled up and facing away from him, though Mako can tell he is awake. And how the tube is pressing against his nose and the IV pinches his arm, Mako imagines it can't be comfortable.
Mako waits a moment before speaking, his voice loud against the surrounding veil of silence. He prepares himself for a bad day.
How are you feeling?
Fine.
Are you hungry?
No.
I'll get you something to eat.
He hears the way Bolin sighs, a low and angry hum. Hears the way his breath catches before he coughs, and his fingers tighten before he sits straight up, and looks Mako dead in the eye, as if his whole life has been leading up to this beautifully broken moment.
"What's the point? I'm just gonna puke it up again. Why are you even bothering, Mako?"
Mako grits his teeth and stands up. "Because it's my job, Bo. It's what family does." And he doesn't wait for a response as he goes out the door, and down the hall to retrieve his brother's small meal.
He comes back to a breathing tube with dragon's breath.
"Don't you have better things to waste your damn time on? Go back to work or something." Mako watches as his brother huffs and faces the wall.
Mako bristles at that, but knows not to take it personally. The nurses said that there'd be days like this, and Spirits knows he had his fair share of bad days himself on the streets. But they got through it together.
He places the food on the dish tray so his brother can reach. Bolin doesn't move.
"C'mon, bro. You gotta eat up." Mako places a hand on his shoulder.
"I said I wasn't hungry."
"I know, but you gotta-"
"I don't wanna puke again, Mako. I'm not eating it."
"You have to try, Bo. The sooner you eat and get better, the sooner you can leave."
And his brother grumbles something under his breath that Mako doesn't think he'd want to hear even if he could. He painstakingly watches as Bolin pushes himself up, grunting from the force of his straining lungs, and faces the tray.
With a deep breath, Bolin takes the roll in his hand, and take a bite off the top. Mako smiles slightly.
"There you go..."
Bolin glares.
Mako taps his thighs while Bolin chews, and slouches down in his chair.
After a moment, it dawns on Mako that maybe, a reason for his brother's attitude... is due to the fact that blames him for not being there last night. That Bolin is mad at-
'Bolin, you can be mad at me, resent me, hell, even hate me. I don't care. Really, I can handle whatever you throw at me'
Mako swallows and grits his teeth. Not anymore, I don't know if I can, he says to himself.
He wonders how he is going to start the inevitable conversation, and realizes the nagging question that has been a pain in his side since that horrible night he found Bolin, is what the hell happened? He needs to know, but doesn't know if this is the wrong time. Especially on a bad day.
He clears his throat. "Soooo..." Mako cringes at the tubes pushing air into his brother's nostrils, "The nurse told me you had a pretty rough time last night," He says softly. "I'm sorry I wasn't there."
Bolin shrugs as he works the bread around in his mouth. "You were sleeping."
But he says it in a way that implies that Mako's beauty rest is more important than Bolin's lungs working properly.
And that hurts more than being mad at him.
"Bo...I, um..."
He says it. Just freaking spits it out just like that. He's never been 'one with his emotions' but at least he's always had tact.
Can you tell me what happened that night when I found you?
And he knows he should leave now, leave before the words slice deeper and everything is left bleeding, but he's done with pretending things don't hurt, done with being strong enough for two of them. And because god damn it that's all he's ever been his entire life, and all he really wants to do is grab his brother by the throat and strangle the sense into him, and hug him at the same time. But instead, he bites the insides of his cheeks until all he can taste is blood, and waits for the words that will inevitably kill him.
Bolin puts his bread down, and look him in the eyes as he says: "I tried to fight a fight way over my head, got the shit beaten out of me, and somehow managed not to die. Then again, what more do you expect from a cripple? I was too useless to defend myself, but I didn't care what the hell happened to me; a girl was in trouble. I had to help her, and I thought 'If this is what I'm left as, I at least wanna do one last good thing before I die'." He says, voice gruff, "And here I am."
Mako lets out a breath, "Well," he smiles, but it looks like a grimace, "I'm proud of you. You helped someone who was in trouble. You did a good thing, Bo. She's gonna remember you for that."
"Then why do I feel so horrible?" He clenches the sheets in his fist. "Why do I feel like shit?"
Mako blinks. Then says, "'cause you're stuck right now. And that's okay. It's gonna get better."
"Yeah, yeah, that's what you said last time."
"It's true, though."
"Whatever."
"...What?"
Suddenly, out of nowhere, anger flashes behind his brother's eyes. "Just go. Just leave me alone!"
"Bolin-"
"When are you gonna except that I'm useless now?!" He exclaims, "I can't do anything anymore. Why do you insist on saving me?"
A month ago Mako would have erected those damned walls again, but 'It's gonna be okay' isn't gonna cut it anymore. He's used to it by now, used to the way the words sting his skin and burn him raw, to the way he will never be right in a world where everybody is wrong, and his brother will never be the same. So instead, he clenches his teeth and lets the words stick like angry little bullets along the frayed edge of his heart, and even though it hurts to hear his brother shatter himself, he doesn't stop him. This time it's different. Tough love was called 'tough' for a reason.
And Mako doesn't care how much it hurts both of them, all he cares about is the tightness in his throat and the way the world is spinning like a carousel around him.
And shouting helps, it really does.
"If Mom and Dad were here right now they'd be so sad for you." Mako retorts as he pulls himself to his feet, "All you do is lie here feeling sorry for yourself and waiting for life to be fair, but guess what, Bolin? It's not fair. You either hustle of get hustled. And we're just going to have to deal with it, but how the hell can you not see that you're hurting me just as much as you're hurting yourself right now?"
You're the only family I have left, and maybe it's selfish, but I'm not ready to lose you, too.
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So just shut the hell up and eat something.
The silence is thick and his head hurts, and he knows he should apologize or leave or do something. But all he can seem to manage is to sit himself back in the chair, and hold his head in his hands, and wait for his breathing to even out. Eyes closed, body drained, and tired, just so tired.
Can't you see how tired I am, Bo?
He hears the way his brother throat hitches in the silence, suffocated by the weight of the implications around him.
I'm sorry, Mako.
He buries his head further into his hands, squeezing his eyes until he sees stars dancing in the corners of his vision. He doesn't see the tears his brother sheds, just hears the way they fall so beautifully in the silence.
Spirits, I'm sorry.
Please.
Mako.
I-I didn't mean to make you sad.
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.
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I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'msorry.
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And the tears flow like rain.
"It's not okay, Bo, but we're going to get through this, and then it will be; I promise," he whispers as he pulls himself up and wraps himself like a scarf around his brothers frail frame, and soothes like he's been built to do.
"I need you, Mako."
"I need you more, Bo."
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Yes, the bad days are nearly enough to destroy everything.
But the good days are worth it.
Bolin begins eating a bit more after that Bad Day. He improves a bit, slowly, but surely, over the next few days. Mako smiles, Asami smiles, Korra smiles. Bolin almost smiles.
The doctors come in and check his vitals and his lungs and his stump.
The amount of things that you're going to have to learn to do differently, the doctor smiles, greatly out weigh the things you won't be able to do. Just remember that.
Bolin says he'll try.
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And then, there were the Worst Days.
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"He can't breathe—"
"He's crashing!"
"Charge the paddles."
A horrible jolt goes through Bolin's body and he crumples onto the cold bed, feeling like his chest is on fire. Breathing shouldn't hurt this much, he knows. Funny enough was that the voices were getting louder, and the world around him was getting blurrier…
Bolin rolls his head to the side, his hand clutching his chest as he tries to focus on his breathing. This isn't so bad, he tells himself as the pain in his chest begins to subside. Maybe he could just let go...
The world around him begins to come into better focus and stops looking quite so blurry.
He squints, because he'd been sure he just saw someone in the corner.
"BO!"
Someone yells again, something beeps and horrible pressure is put on his chest once more.
"Bolin!" that voice begs again, and somehow, Bolin connects it to his brother's. "Come on, Bo, breathe! I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere, just stay with me..."
But I can't, he wishes he could say that. Everything hurts too much. His throat is burning and no matter how hard he tries-
"...Am the Avatar!" A new voice yells, "It is by my orders that you do something to help him, now!"
"We are doing something! But you need to leave-"
"No-"
"Korra-!
"Bolin-!"
"Get them out of here! Give me five cc of adrenaline, stat!"
"I won't go!" his brother's voice insists. Bolin feels strangely comforted by the illusion-at least he'd die listening to his brother's voice. "Please, Bo, I'm right here. You have to stay. Please, do it for me...you can't leave me here alone..." The voice cracks and it...it sounded like it was crying. Bolin feels small drops of water on his face, and someone holding his hand in such a lifelike grip that Bolin thinks he might lose that hand, too.
As if he is looking through a very fuzzy mover screen, he sees his brother, sobbing and clutching his hand while a team of healers tries to get Mako to go, and one shouting, "Charge it."
"Still nothing…"
Bolin's mouth drops open. "M-mako?" he whispers, because he couldn't remember the last time he had seen Mako crying.
"Again!"
"BO!"
And his eyes flutter open in a burst of color and pain, blobs of people come into focus, and oxygen mask is cold and hard against his face. Mako nearly lunges for him.
"We got him! He's back."
And for the first time in months, Bolin considers that a good thing. Especially when he sees Mako's smile.
I tried, he want to tell Mako, real hard, for you.
But he thinks Mako already knows.
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The next morning, the illustrious Varrick, in all his glory, makes his way into the room.
"Goooood morning, my fellow patients. Dr. Varrick is here."
Mako jumps from where he is pulling the covers over Bolin.
"Jeez, Varrick, would you keep it down! People are trying to rest."
"Have no fear, my child. Doctor always knows best."
With that last statement, Mako finally turns around, taking in the full scene before him. And what a scene it is. The rich industrialist, has dumped his usual garb for a more seemingly fit pair of blue scrubs, complete with a white coat and a telescope hanging expertly along his neck. Zu Li comes in right behind him, playing the part of a nurse, albeit one a bit too sexy and bias for her department.
Mako's brow raises. "You're joking, right? Tell me you're not impersonating a doctor. I'm not letting you touch Bolin."
"Why not?" He quips, "You impersonate a cop all the time."
Mako sends him dagger eyes. He's sure if Bolin were alert enough right now, he'd laugh.
"I am a cop." Mako tells him, as he refills Bolin's glass of water. "One who can arrest you for impersonating a medical Doctor."
"Hey, I'm not breaking any laws here, kid. I did go to med school in my younger days."
Mako scoffs. "You? Med school? Right. I wouldn't trust you with a sharpened pencil, let alone a freaking needle."
Now it was Varrick's turn to glare. "Nurse Zu Li! Show our stubborn patient the evidence!"
"Yes, sir..."
And the card is in front his face in an instant, the license all laminated and with black ink. Mako's eyes scan the bottom and sees the government seal on it.
"Damn it," he curses, "Who's Life Savings did you have to pay off to get that...?"
Before he can even respond, Varrick walks over to the patient in the bed.
"Hey, Bolin!" he says a bit too loudly, "How we doing, buddy!"
"Verrick." Mako hisses.
Bolin's eye's flicker open, as if he wasn't aware anyone else was in the room.
"V...verrick..." He mumbles, his glassy eyes twitching around the room.
Verrick whistles enthusiastically as he takes in the medicine pumping into Bolin's veins from the IV. "Woooooheeyyy. They got'cha on the good stuff, huh, kid?"
"W-where did you," Bolin blinks a couple of times, ...come from?"
"That's a great question, Bolin!" The man sits on the end of the bed, "Where do any of us really come from? If you ask my old man, I came from-"
"Varrick!" Mako growls, "What do you want?"
"What do I want?" He jumps up, instantly, putting the end of his stethoscope up to the wall, as if the cement will give back a heart beat. "What I want, is six box's of whatever he's on, stat! Zu Li write the name down!"
"I thought you were a doctor." Mako crosses his arms.
"Yeah, like in the stone age! They didn't have cars when I was a kid, Mako! You know what we used to walk with to get around?"
"Your legs...?
"Our legs, darn it!" He jumps up on the cabinet. "If you were lucky enough to have two of them!"
He winces, instantly, turning back to Bolin and apologizing. "Sorry, Bolin. No offense, kid."
"Who are you...?" Bolin asks. "I don't 'member this doctor. I thought you were a girl..." He eyes droop closed again and he moans.
"Bo..." Mako rushes over.
"Huh?"
"You okay?"
"Huh?" Bolin looks around, like he forgot where he was.
"Like I said, " Varrick winks, "Good stuff."
"S-stuff? What stuff...? I don't feel n-nothin'." He mumbles, "I feel really goooddd. I feel awesome, I don't know why I'm even here. Can we go home now, Mako, I f-forgot to feed Pabu..."
With a force Mako has had yet to see in a while, Bolin manages to push himself up on his arm and starts pulling at the IV.
"Bolin! Bo, don't mess with that. You gotta-"
"- B-but were' gonna be late, Mako..."
Mako leans down, "Late?" He asks.
"For our probending match; Toza's gonna yell at us. We gotta- got-ugh...ahhh..."
A bitter round of coughing cuts him off. His chest heaves, but air fights to go into his lugs. The back of his throat feels like it's disintegrating and he grips the bed sheets in his fingers. "Gahhh..."
"Bo? Bo!" Mako is yelling his name, fingers rubbing his back in soothing circles.
"M-mak-! Nihhgg!" The words die in his throat, as he sucks down air, and swallows back bile.
"Breathe, bro, it's okay..." Panic that is barely being contained drips from his voice. Bolin can see Mako's eyes getting blurry again, but his head is too foggy for anything else. "Take it easy..." And after a moment, Bolin's breathing starts slowing down back to normal.
Mako takes a deep breath, "No, bro, you're still sick, you need to rest..."
"Ugh...O-okay...Mako..." He moans, and takes Mako's hand again. Mako pushes his hair back from his forehead. "It hurts..."
Mako nods, knowing that he means his stump. "I know, I know...I'm sorry, but you just gotta take it easy right now, there's nothing we can really do about it at the moment."
Bolin closes his eyes again, and tries to sleep again.
"Hey," and Mako turns back to Verrick.
"Yes...?"
"When he wakes up, I got a present for him! He's gonna love it!" And Verrick smiles a bit too big for his liking.
"Great." Mako mumbles.
He whips a hand over his face, and takes one last affectionate look at Bolin, before going down the hall to get coffee.
"Day by day, Bo. We'll take it day by day..."