Sorry for the long hiatus. I've been very busy for awhile. I hope the other fanfictions update.

Chapter 10: Legend of Buffalo Bill and the Boy with Boobs

After making Boss shut the sentimental fuck up we went to meet a Kenshin guy (girl?) with neon purple hair and flip flops. I marched directly to Kenshin and asked why he wore a blue pencil skirt and why did he partnered his flip flops with socks. He laughed and said it was a kimono. He had a small resemblance with my father's mistress, except that her hair was brown and cut short to a bob. I further asked him if he ever went jazzy with daddy. He fell quiet. I kept pestering him about it until Boss interrupted, saying it was business time or whatever. So it was my turn to shut the sentimental fuck up.

For three long hours their conversation was mainly composed of plastic greetings, backstabbing stuff, business formalities and more backstabbing stuff.

"I'm bored." I mumbled loudly.

"Find a way to entertain yourself." General Caesar said without moving his lips. He prolly learned that trick when he was kindergarten and did a ninja fart sound to distract the torturer, I mean teacher.

My sleepy eyes wandered across the room in search for a victim to troll. My troll-scope focused on Kenshin. He immediately noticed my eagle-sharp gaze, blushed and automatically covered his chest like a moe high school girl going Rapey Ron on perverted senpai.

I swear I saw some boobs on that guy. It made me insecure. He's a guy yet nature blessed him with those soft, bouncing things. To test my hypothesis I sprang up to him yelling "bewbs!", pinned him to the ground and squeezed his chest mounds so hard that he cried. Roughly I estimated he was cup 36A. Not bad for a guy.

Man boobs.

What happened next was too fast and blurry for lengthy explanation. Kenshin was so aggro that his eyes turned red. He pushed me and my head hit the floor giving me them strangely visible orbiting stars in my head.

Allow me to explain the following events in numerical order with appropriate abbreviations:

1. Boss and the shogun's vassals were gasping WTF.

2. Beast Mode Kenshin yelled GTFO.

3. Me and Boss were Okay Guy.

We swaggered to our next victim's crib. Farmville meets Transformers. I mean the guy's got a heifer's noggin for a roof! I didn't know there were giant buffaloes in the Jurassic age or Godzilla and King Kong had a baby. And technically speaking, I can't imagine a T-Rex having a wrestling contest with one.

"Caesar-dono why did you attack the Oda Clan?" The Shogun said.

"Customer service." Boss lied badly. "The Takeda Clan is an important business partner to our Star of the West."

It was down-right obvious that he was being a Twitter-whore-scam-fake for sales purposes. He was an ugly-hoe liaristocrat; a cross between Judas, Washington and Adam Smith stapling a mop in their douche scalp. Still it was better than rambling that he gave STD handouts to cougars.

"It's a service to arrive without introduction and attacking my archenemies by taking them unaware."

"Is it not your goal to strengthen your territory, amass wealth, win battles and gain dominion?" Caesar persuaded in a semi-desperate way. He was pushing himself to an unwilling person. It was so pitiful. "In exchange for your wealth, we sell you technology to help you fortify your military. It's-give-and-take. Mutual dependence, if you will."

"Yes, it's a complicated business. I see the abacus suits you more than the sword." Shingen grunted sullenly. "Unfortunately I am a stubborn man. I will not accept help from a guest in dealing with politics at home."

Caesar frowned, tasting rejection at its finest. He cast his gaze down and bit his lip. Sure he was a dick weed at times but the guy got it rough.

Damn I can hear Dr Seuss narrating 'Well, in Kai Province they say - that Shirley's small heart grew three sizes that day!' And then - the true meaning of sarcasm came through, and Shirley found the strength of *ten* Bitches, plus two!'

Since the narrator made a clear hint for bloodshed, I guess I had no choice but to follow before an electric current zaps my brain to remind me this is a live game show or whatever cocky imaginings my paranoid mind cooks up with. Oh no, I might be going soft in the head but I'm going to bully that walking meat bag for hurting Boss!

Like when did I give a fuck to his feelings?

Curse you imaginary narrator for dictating our miserable lives!

"Look Buffalo Bill, we don't need your dimes!" I defended angrily.

"Yeah!" Caesar supported eagerly. "We don't-" Caesar blinked in surprise and pulled my collar to whisper in my ear. "Shirley! Do you even know what you are saying?!"

"I'm a lawyer with a degree in Cambridge." I tugged my sleeve away. I then gave him a wink and a thumbs-up. To prove my credibility I opened my card holder and showed him my black chrome business card.

"How on Earth did you earn a degree in Cambridge?!" He snapped.

"I bought one." I replied confidently like a genuine liarwyer. "Near Mcdonald's."

"I should have known…" He placed a gloved hand over his face.

He should place more faith in my abilities. After all I graduated in Bachelor of Science Repair Shop with flying honours. I'm a jack of all trades, a mechanic/lawyer/warrior all in one bundle!

To show him my skills I continued my con act. I stepped in front of Shingen and saw my next object of insult: his oversized pearl necklace. "Ya can shove those Ben Wa balls up to your loose ass!"

"Ben Wa balls?!" Shingen thundered angrily as his face turned red with rage. "These are prayer beads!"

"I don't care what fancy-smancy name ye call to that rubbish!" "So ya'll gonna buy the knick-knacks or we're going to get rough?"

"Oh we're going to go rough alright!" Shingen cracked his knuckles and before we knew it, they threw us out in the typical alley dumpster completed with the yellow tramp cats. Shingen slammed the door behind us.

"Ya'll motherfuckers have an invitation from Satan!" I screamed back. It was pitch black for goodness sakes.

'Shirley…" a smoky voice said.

"Damn the sun's going on a vacation!" I felt for my surroundings. "Who put the lights out?! When I'll find them switches, I'm gonna give ye all a good ol' sound ass-whooping!"

"Shirley!"

"Fuck! I'm going blind! Help me I'm too young to die!"

Someone removed a slimy banana peel stuck on my face.

"You're overacting at 2pm! 2pm for godsakes!" General Caesar climbed out of the stinky dumpster. He took out a liter of rubbing alcohol from his stained white vest and proceeded to literally shower himself with it. "Cut your swearing too, no proper lady uses such rogue languages."

Wow, proper lady he said. Big word. "Would you like a censor on that?!" I grabbed a blurry box from nowhere and placed it on my mouth. "Those m_th_rf_ck_rs ain't seeing the last of me, them we k _$ p_$_ie$ better hide on their fat momma's a_ho_e?!"

I like this blurry thing. Every time I say a sailor's word, it goes toot toot tooooooot!

"You're a walking SPG rating." Boss frowned.

"At least I don't bathe in disinfectants!" I threw the strangely solid censor away and a cat's pained meow echoed from a distance. I scrambled out of the dumpster, landed on my feet and scratched my short tangled hair.