A/N: Ok, I'll admit it. The show is killing my desire to keep writing this. I try not to let it because after all this is my version of Elena and Damon but it sure does mess with the mood of things. Not happy with their journey so far in season 5 or the way Damon is being portrayed. So in turn, I'm not really happy with this either but this is where my mind is going and hopefully it works.
I wrote the letter from Elena to Damon for a reference for myself. I didn't think I would put it into the fic, maybe just parts that Damon thought back on. Then I realized that Elena's character on the show loved to write and what better way for her to convey her heart than with words.
Song rec for this chapter: Pretender by Sarah Jaffe
Xxxx
Sometimes the world spins so fast that I can't believe I'm still present in it. I should be dead ten times over but between you, Stefan, and nearly everyone around me, I've been kept alive. More times than not I've been kept safe at the expense of another and it's never been my preferred way of life. I don't take pride in the fact that I've hurt the two people who have put the most time and effort into keeping me alive, happy, and loved. I, time after time, have spat that you only question my love for you because of my love for Stefan and the choices that held me to him for as long as they did. I know you love him too. I saw it when we fought side by side to get him to come home.
The love of your life was Katherine and when she brought you that cure as you were dying in my arms, she had a point. Stefan sacrificed himself and sacrificed me to save you. He let me go and when he came back, he claimed he didn't want me. He pushed and pushed until I was questioning if any of it had ever been real. I allowed myself to let these feelings for you in that had been growing like creeping ivy, taking root in all the empty places. I want you to know that I am aware of the selfish reasons behind choosing Stefan that night you could have died alone. I left you alone to die and it was simply because I didn't deserve the kind of love you had to give. Choices speak volumes of a person's worth.
Your love has always been deep and unwavering. It didn't matter how many times I hurt you, disappointed you, challenged you…you loved me still. You chose me still. I've had to ask myself the hard questions and I've had to put aside my victim mentality that seems to have overrun my life since becoming an orphan and finding out my existence in this world is based on this supernatural doppelganger curse. I'm Elena Gilbert and I'm the spitting image of a woman who has hurt you and that weighs heavier than it probably should. Maybe on both of us, dooming you and I from the start.
You asked me once about Denver and I wasn't ready to answer you. I think I'm ready now. I could blame it on confusion or my young age. I could blame it on Stefan for pushing me away. I could blame it on my own selfishness or even you for compelling me to seek out a love that consumes me. That is what you've done since entering my life; you consume me the moment we step into the same space. Stefan wanted to rule out my feelings for you. He wanted to make sure the time we spent together while he was gone hadn't changed me somehow. I agreed to it and when you called us out you were right; I thought you'd mess it up. I thought things wouldn't align quite right, something would put a stop to us because me and Stefan were meant to be together. After all, he'd met me "first"… He'd shown me the good during times of evil. He always let me choose and respected my choice. With that kind of faith in me, it was hard to see how he wasn't the right choice in the end. I don't regret my time with Stefan, I only regret not understanding it and not understanding you. The good in you has so many layers just as the bad has in him.
I don't need to go over what it felt like in Denver, you were there. You felt it too. I was scared after I felt it. I was scared of doing the wrong thing by hurting Stefan. I was scared of disappointing my parents by becoming anything less than this façade I put on the moment I lost them. I was a different person before I lost them. Stefan is mistaken that I've changed since turning. I'm more me than I've ever been and it's been a long road to realize it and embrace it. Damon, you've done things that have hurt me and hurt others. You've done terrible horrific things that I didn't think were possible for a good person to do. I wrote off all the terrible things Stefan has done as a side he couldn't control and he didn't choose. Like some fairy tale I've dubbed you as the bad and him as the good and so of course my choice should reflect that. Turning into a vampire didn't make me realize feelings for you, it made me realize feelings about myself. I'm not good enough for you Damon. I'm not a person who sees things for what they are, just for what I want them to be. If I were I would have understood long before now that you have done everything you've ever done out of love and loyalty and it's unwavering. It doesn't falter when I do. It doesn't change when I change. It doesn't lessen when I treat you as less than what you are. You say I don't want to be like you. Stefan says that I'm not supposed to be. I say I am proud to be like you. We are the same because we do the things we do because we love so damn much. Sometimes too much and other times in my case, not nearly enough.
You fought and fought for Katherine just as I fought and fought for Stefan but they aren't for us. They aren't like us. I'm sorry for everything. I owe you a list of apologies instead of a list of reasons and excuses. None of them make any sense to me anymore anyway. I'm going to go and live a life that has been gifted to me and I'm going to come back to you one day in hopes that you'll be ready to let me in again. I say again, instead of at all, because I've spent a lot of time accusing you of putting up walls when all the while I've ignored the doors you've left wide open time and again. When you're ready and I'm ready, I know this is right. Maybe not right now, but right. You know it still.
All my love,
Elena
Xxxx
Damon folded the crackling pages, running his fingers tightly over the crisp creases of powder blue stationary. He stood slowly, the wood frame of his bed creaking into the silent house. He wasn't sure where to keep the letter; where was one to store such a thing.
He decided to set it on the top of his dusty mantle. Maybe it would remind him to clean it.
So, she was ready to let go. It was what he wanted; what he needed. Then there was that part of him, that wrenching screaming man inside of him begging to hold her once more.
On the way to her house he wasn't sure which side was winning. He was merely saying goodbye and to thank her for the letter. That was the plan and it was a good one. He knew how long the time could pass between vampires more than she could comprehend and he needed something more than the letter to hold on to.
He wore a mask of nonchalance so she wouldn't pick up on the need that was surely swimming behind his eyes. She wore a mask of bravery as the door flung open and her chest filled with air that didn't move anywhere for a long time.
"Thank you," was all he uttered. The words were both light and broken but so was her face when his mask fell and he caught his reflection in her eyes.
She looked like she always did, not like she recently had. She looked like the old Elena with sheet straight hair and eyes that could cradle the darkest parts of you. She looked young and sad and he regretted never knowing her otherwise.
"I hope I can get this right," Elena said. He could tell she meant to use her voice but the whispers just let him know her throat was as tight as his.
He didn't hug her. He didn't kiss her. He didn't do all the things he'd stepped in and done at all the wrong times that felt right anyway. He took two steps back, hands stuffed as deeply as they could dig inside his jeans.
She took three steps forward and hugged him anyway. The world was still waking up so all he could hear was the hammering of their hearts mingling with the light songs of birds that lined the suburban street. His arms circled around her small body and he relished in the way she fit just right against him. She didn't try to hold her body like a sly kitten as Katherine had in the rare nights she stayed long enough to lay in his arms. She didn't try to hold her body slightly apart as she had when she was Stefan's; so careful not to cross invisible lines.
This time the curve of her breasts pressed softly into the hardness of his chest so that he could feel each quaking breath she let seep in between parted lips that rested on his exposed collar bone. Her arms weren't placed just so over his shoulders, but wrapped around his sides in a familiar way, as if this were the way she meant to hold him from the beginning. Her hands were cold against the length of his spine as her finger tips squeezed tighter with each intake of air. Her bare feet were tucked between his slightly parted boots so that her legs pressed to his inner thighs and the metal of their buttoned jeans scraped before interlocking.
Elena was the first to let go and he wasn't surprised to see the wet hint of tear trails already drying from the cool morning breeze hitting their faces. He reached out to thumb the dip below her cheekbone and bring the tear to his mouth. Had he done this when she was a human she'd have looked at him curiously, but she was a vampire now, turned by his blood that would forever be a part of her. She knew now just how much vampires relied on every one of their senses in moments of importance.
When he turned to leave he knew she was still staring after him long after he pulled open his car door and moved to sit inside. With pause and without looking at her, he spoke softly, knowing the wind would carry the words with ease, "Don't disappear on me."
"I can't," she replied and he smiled at her answer. He loved her for that answer.
Xxxxx
Elena declared her major as English and minor as Creative Writing. Step one into leading a life she could be proud of. She went to parties to dance and laugh and other parties to talk quietly in dimly lit rooms with dark drinks that made her think of the Salvatores. She let boys and girls kiss her in ways that left her feeling alone as she crept out of beds in the latest hours of the night. She listened to live music as smoke swirled around faceless heads and read books that left her wanting to see the world.
She missed him and caved at the end of her senior school year. Caroline and Bonnie begged her to join them on a trip to the beach with a group of friends they'd all settled into before graduation. She really wanted to return to Mystic Falls to see her brother but what was one extra week anyway.
The beach house was perfect. She let everyone pick their rooms first and sighed when they left the best for her. She had been quiet on the road trip down to the east coast of Georgia. It only conjured up thoughts of Damon and she really felt a pull lately. She needed him but she couldn't put her finger on exactly what she needed him for. School was fine; she was…fine. They worried about her anyway as if she were on suicide watch or something dramatic just because she wasn't bright eyed and singing along with the music blasting down the highway. She'd call him; there was no sense in pretending like she didn't need to hear his voice.
So she flung open the double doors that led from her room out onto the deck overlooking the beach and smiled into the sun. She wiggled her daylight ring out in front of her as she often did when she felt especially thankful for its power against the burning rays on her skin.
She felt arms around her and smiled when Bonnie rested her chin on Elena's shoulder and murmured, "We're going to go pick up some things for us humans that need to eat. Want anything?"
Elena patted Bonnie's hands that rested on her abdomen before replying, "No thanks Bon." Her mind drifted to the junk food that her mother used to sneak on beach trips and the realization that she really could indulge in anything now that her body was forever frozen in this state.
"Actually," Elena said brightly, turning around and placing her hands on Bonnie's shoulders, "a big bag of jelly beans and maybe some Cheetos too. Cherry Coke, oh and some cookie dough ice cream."
Bonnie rolled her eyes and muttered, "bitch" before swatting at Elena's bare tanned leg.
Once the house had cleared out, Elena sat on the splintering stairs that led onto the sandy trail to the beach. She dug her toes into the cool sand and pulled out her phone from her back pocket. As the wind picked up she decided she'd just text Damon. They hadn't had a bit of communication for nearly six months save for Elena asking Jeremy how Damon was and Jeremy telling Elena that Damon asked about her often.
I'll be home in a week. How are you?
Her phone chirped quickly in reply. He must be sitting at the bar, that was the only time he had his phone so readily out.
Peachy.
She smiled. Jeremy must have told him she was taking a week in Georgia. One word and she already missed his clever banter. She clicked back, I wanted to come home but it seems like I'm always involuntarily getting whisked away to Georgia
Elena stretched as she waited on his reply. It did feel amazing to breathe in the salty air though she missed her dulled human senses when she picked up on the fishy smell that blew around her now and then. She glanced down at his new text, I'm sure you could use a little involuntary fun after all those exams.
Using just one thumb as she leaned back on an elbow so she could angle the screen away from the sun she replied, I'm sure I could. I miss home though.
It was a long time before he replied. So long that she had already unpacked her things and settled on the loveseat in the small living area off of the kitchen waiting for everyone to return. Her phone went off just as the door flung open and Caroline's laugh filled the room along with the crinkle of plastic grocery bags.
Miss you too.
Xxxx
Damon trudged up the sand-worn wooden stairs that led to the crashing waves and overabundance of smelly oily human skin frying on brightly colored beach towels. He'd never been a fan of the ocean. His Italian roots remained hidden beneath generations of stamping out what little natural resistance his skin could provide from the harshness of the sun. No, he'd gotten his porcelain skin from his mother and before the age of sunscreen and chemically enhanced after-burn creams, he'd spent most his time in the shadows.
Elena on the other hand, thanks to her stolen doppelganger genetic richness, belonged here. His skin would heal later after a good feed and the milky coolness of the moon tonight, but for now all he could think about was how much he wanted…needed…to see her.
Damon spotted her toned figure a little ways down the beach after he had abandoned his shoes and let the cold spray of water spatter his ankles. He stopped for a moment to watch her, stuffing his hands into his well-worn jeans.
She was surrounded by a group of children who were watching her perform one handed cartwheels and seemingly effortless backbends. She took her time teaching the little girls with sandy faces and knotted hair how to flip their little legs over their bodies for a proper cartwheel.
Men and boys alike were eying Elena but she was completely clueless to the attention. He loved that about her.
Only when the father of the children approached Elena with apologies for their intrusion, did Damon move forward to greet her. The man was dusty blonde and spent a lot of time at the gym. His smile was too bright and eyes too probing when Elena stooped down to hug each of the girls good bye.
"It's really no problem," Elena assured the man as he ushered his girls away. She turned to Damon and he almost stumbled at the look on her face. As a vampire he didn't feel time like he did as a human. A handful of years was nothing in the scheme of things. It was a second really. But seeing her now made the time apart seem like three centuries instead.
He watched her eyes scan his as her lips settled into a soft sort of smile. "I wasn't sure you'd come," she stated, scratching absently at her arm.
He shrugged a little and tried to keep his eyes on her face but he supposed he was no less a man than the eye probey father of four. Her skin was dewy with sweat and the little baby hairs that never quite made it into her messy bun stuck to her neck. His eyes flicked down to her toes that were covered in sand and painted red to match her bikini.
"Where's your crew?" Damon asked, watching her toes wiggle before lifting his eyes back up to her squinting gaze. He moved to the side so she didn't have to stare into the sun to answer him.
She shrugged and stooped down to pull out another towel that shook out next to her own. Once she plopped down and stretched her sun kissed body out she answered, "They are with the guys doing some sightseeing."
He sat down next to her, draping his arms around his bent knees. "In other words, they aren't happy I was invited."
She sighed heavily and dropped an arm over her eyes so he took the moment to take her in. She looked like the typical college girl with a teeny bikini; toe ring and hemp anklet to complete the ensemble. She had a cooler of girly drinks and a stack of books to keep her company.
"Since when do you care what anybody thinks of you?" Elena asked, darting her tongue out to wet her blush lips.
He leaned over her to pluck a wine cooler. The icy condensation dripped on her bare abdomen and ran a trail towards her navel. She sucked in a gulp of air at the contact and dropped her arm to peer up at him. He sprung out his fangs momentarily to pierce and grip the bottle cap and pop it open with a fizzy snap.
He downed it with ease and placed the cold bottle on her belly to state, "that was disgusting. We need to work on you."
She made a small yelping sound at the cold contact and grasped the bottle to place it next to the cooler. He watched her rub a little at her flushed skin before she replied, "It makes me feel beachy. How did you do that with your fangs? Get them to just come out I mean."
"Control. You think about what you want to do," he glanced at her and waggled his brows, "and ya do it."
She propped up on her elbows, her belly creasing a little under the ribs. He watched her try and fail for the hour that they laid in the sun. He ignored her pleas to shed his shirt and bask in the rays with her as they became lightly buzzed on the sugary shit drinks. They didn't talk about the time spent apart or about the letter. They just fell into this space that belonged to only them that had been building from the moment they met. It didn't look like much but it felt like everything.
The beach began to clear out as the sun settled over the edge of the water and she had become quiet.
"I guess we should head back. It's just a little ways up the beach," Elena murmured sleepily.
"Lead the way."
Xxxxx
Elena was relieved to find the little dated beach house empty after she and Damon had clamored up the wooden stairs to the back deck.
"How long you staying?" Elena asked, trying to keep the hopefulness from her tone.
She watched him lean his elbows on the splintery wood of the deck to stare out at the ocean. The thick air that rolled off the waves ruffled his hair this way and that. His white tee stuck damply to each dip and curve of muscle and she stared too long at his sandy feet that stuck out of frayed sea salt wet jeans. He was usually so put together in dark designer clothing and, well, shoes… He looked amazing in this moment. He looked exposed in a way and her heart picked up its pace.
He always knew. It could be the change in her heart or her breathing. It could be a slight change in her scent or the air around her. She wasn't sure. But she never could hide it and maybe that was why he insisted so long ago that the feelings she was having as a human were there. He had known it with a fierceness and now he fought to ignore it.
His head dropped for a second but he turned to face her, tapping lightly on the banister before meeting her gaze.
"What?" she asked anyway.
"You really can't summon your fangs?" he asked with a smile, avoiding the situation entirely.
She shrugged and offered a meek smile, "I really can't. I guess you didn't pass down your excellent abilities."
They spent the next hour in her room as she showered and asked more questions about how to do this and that as a vampire. She could tell it stunned him that she was still struggling with some of the most basic of abilities. He knew she could hunt and feed just fine so she'd imagine this confused him.
"I guess I failed as your maker," Damon joked once Elena had stepped back out from the bathroom dressed for dinner.
"I wouldn't say that…" Elena smiled.
Xxxx
Damon watched the way the group of friends interacted. It wasn't hard to figure out the light haired boy with the body of a quarterback had slept with Elena before. He touched her here and there and Elena would always look towards Damon to see if he had noticed.
He noticed.
It was clear on the walk to the strip of restaurants and bars off the beach that this guy was unsure of Damon and his place in Elena's life. Seems nobody had filled the poor guy in.
Caroline tried desperately to keep the mood light and everybody as excited to be drinking overly priced watered down drinks and surrounded by cologne doused frat boys as she pretended to be. Damon didn't make it easy on her, he was sure to bring up awkward questions concerning if she still had that pair of lacy pink panties she used to wear for him in front of some boy she had obviously slept with or was trying to sleep with.
He stopped when Elena caught wind of it. His Caroline era was something they'd never talked about but she sure as shit didn't like.
So they ended up downing several of said watery drinks and wound up at a noisy club with flashing lights and much stronger liquor. Damon immediately headed towards the bar to order and take a breather from the yaps of Blondie and awkward body language between Elena and Josh. Or was it Kyle? Either way, he needed a better buzz.
Four shots of the best whiskey and he was able to move his way to the little booth style seating next to the dance floor. He eyed Elena who had somehow managed to pull off being the most attractive girl here in only a pair of high-waisted white shorts, a button up gauzy peach blouse that revealed a hint of the dark bra underneath, and white wedges that made her legs look perpetually flexed. Her hair fell around her face in beachy waves and her eyes shone through a subtle swipe of eyeliner.
"Want to dance?" Josh-Kyle asked Elena, causing Damon to raise an eyebrow in surprise. Interesting.
Elena looked just as surprised and glanced over at Caroline who widened her eyes in a threatening manner, mouthing, say yes. Damon took a seat next to Bonnie and stared up at Elena, wondering if she knew how dumbstruck she looked in this moment.
"Sure…" she finally muttered, tossing her small clutch onto the table and grabbing her shot to choke back.
He watched her follow Josh-Kyle to the dance floor and smiled at the way she laughed at something he whispered in her ear.
"So what exactly are you doing here?" Caroline asked him with a fake smile.
He grinned back and shrugged, "just visiting our girl." He nudged his extra shot towards her and pursed his lips as she took it, "she missed me."
Caroline glared at him as she swallowed the liquid harshly.
Damon turned his attention back to the dance floor as the song shifted into something more sensual. Katherine would have had the room drooling at this point, but not Elena. She had the room watching. She had them intrigued. She moved like there was more to her that you wanted to know. Katherine moved like she was only offering once…and then once more in case you missed it the first time around.
"He's good to her," Bonnie told him quietly as he watched Josh-Kyle tuck a strand of hair behind Elena's ear.
"Good," was all he said.
Xxxxx
On the way home Elena was comfortably buzzed. Just enough to take the edge off of the fact she was brushing arms with Mike and Damon as they stumbled through the sand. She had stopped momentarily to grab onto Mike's arm out of habit to unstrap her shoes.
They'd slept together a few times but mostly she used him for an easy place to sleep when she came stumbling out of the bar near campus. He lived close and he called her Amy when he came deep inside of her. It was a good match.
Damon took the shoes from her hand when she stood and without missing a beat, walked on ahead with them dangling on his fingers.
They all ended up in the living room with every window and door wide open to let the breeze in. Elena busied herself in the kitchen, pulling out junk food and beer to set on the coffee table. She watched Damon talk to Mike and call him Josh and sometimes Kyle but Mike was easy going and never corrected him. He probably thought Damon was drunk anyway.
They played games and quoted movies that Elena pretended to like, enjoying the smile on Damon's face all the while.
It wasn't until Caroline had lost her ability to filter through the words that slipped through her already faulty filter that things got hairy.
"So where's Damon sleeping tonight?" Caroline asked with a faux look of innocent curiousity.
Elena choked down her last swig of beer and put it down a little too heavily on the coffee table. She was a little drunk and a little tired of her friend's remarks the entire night.
"With me," Elena stated plainly, challenging her old friend with raised eyebrows.
"Nice Elena, real nice," Caroline muttered, shooting Mike an apologetic look.
"Likewise," Elena muttered, venom apparent even to her own ears.
She felt Damon's hand rest lightly on her knee under the table. She wasn't sure if he was trying to calm her or let her know he didn't care about what Caroline was saying.
They ended up in an argument that ended with Bonnie playing referee and Mike disappearing outside for a cigarette. Caroline muttered something about Elena overlooking that the object of her affection was the worst kind of monster at times.
Elena left the house barefoot and red faced, grabbing Damon's arm as she fled furiously down the beach.
Xxxx
They ended up in a dark and vacant beach house after Elena had stopped to stare too long at the crashing waves.
"You want to talk about it?" Damon asked without looking at her. He was pulling the cabinets out, making more noise than necessary.
Elena blew out a burst of air and drew the maroon curtains, that small frozen teenage part of her nervous of getting caught doing something wrong.
"Not really," she admitted hoarsely.
"Good, me neither," Damon smiled, flicking on a flashlight under his chin to create sinister shadows across his sharp features.
Elena stuck her hands in her back pockets and surveyed the dark room. She ventured down the hallway to poke her head in the master bedroom that was decorated in early 90's décor complete with a water bed.
"No way…" Damon muttered, flicking on the blue lava lamp that sat on the night stand.
Elena grabbed the flashlight from his hand and placed it between her teeth as she pulled open the wooden closet doors. She ended up pulling a night gown adorned with little felt kittens over her head as Damon made.
"Who are these people?" Elena asked between laughs as she watched Damon rummage through the dresser drawers.
"There's a whole world out there beyond the Mystic Falls brand of human variety," Damon answered spinning around to dangle a pair of fuzzy handcuffs from his pinky.
She smiled but looked away. That wasn't something she wanted to imagine doing right now. Instead, she flopped back on the waterbed and grinned up into the mirror above her. She looked strange bobbing around on the floral bedspread in the blue glow of lazy lava lamp blobs. The night gown was rather comfortable though.
Damon ended up beside her, his weight about rocking her onto her side. The gentle motion of water beneath them and the light buzzing sound of the lava lamp caused Elena's eyelids to grow heavy. They gazed soundlessly up at their reflections for some time before Damon finally spoke.
"Should we trade outfits?" he asked softly.
She watched her face break out into a smile and seeing the way he made her look struck her. She stopped laughing and froze, staring at herself as if for the first time. She watched herself furrow her brows in thought before flicking her eyes to Damon's reflection. He looked as he always did, brows perched in perfect arches above both narrowed and widened eyes. She never could figure out how he did that.
"Is it strange that I find you incredibly attractive in that night gown?" he asked without a hint of a smile.
"Yes," she deadpanned.
His face molded into a genuine smile and she found it easier to let herself look at him in the mirror rather than directly. She supposed it was because it was detached in a way.
"What do you suppose they have in the kitchen?" Damon asked, patting his stomach that hid under the thin black threads of his shirt.
"Go look, I'm too comfortable," Elena muttered, bouncing her body a little to make the water roll beneath them.
He stood quickly and turned as she grinned at the bed bobbing her body this way and that. He looked amused but said nothing before grabbing the flashlight from the bed beside her. She noted that the hunger crept up on her as the smell of food reached the bedroom. Crackers that he opened and tossed aside; stale donuts that had that metallic scent of mold.
Finally he entered the room with a carton of ice cream with two spoons. With the Rocky Road nestled between them, they watched their reflections spoon mouthfuls between their lips.
As the hunger spread familiarly to her throat she was struck with a question that had been stirring within her since she left for college this past winter.
"Hey Damon," she began, keeping her eyes on him because the sight of her apprehensive expression just furthered her uncertainty in the topic.
He hummed in response, eyes fluttering at a particularly good bite of ice cream.
"Why is it that vampire blood tastes so different than human blood?" she asked hurriedly. She wasn't sure that he would know any better than the next vampire, but she supposed it was the inquisitive part of her that she inherited from her scientific father. She liked to know the how's and why's of things.
"Can't say for sure. It may be because it's borrowed blood. Katherine told me it was because human blood feeds a physical hunger but feeding from a vampire feeds something completely different," he said, dropping his spoon carelessly to the floor.
Elena pictured Damon curled into Katherine's body, trailing a finger across the planes of her form as he voiced his curiosities of her vampirism.
"I didn't feel anything," she admitted, swallowing thickly against the hunger that came with all the blood talk, "when I fed from Stefan I mean."
He answered immediately, "you weren't doing it for that. You needed to heal."
"Doing it for…what?" she asked quietly.
He turned to look at her, his head rolling gently to the side. She kept her eyes upwards to watch his reflection instead. She saw his eyes drift to her neck before settling briefly on her parted lips.
"You know that moment when you're making love to someone who means a damn. The moment your eyes meet or things stand still. It's like living in that moment."
She swallowed again, her mind drifting to all the questions this spawned. Each question led to another and it only made her realize how little she truly understood about this side of her. She was supposed to be figuring this side out in ways that could help her and Damon both understand the sincerity of her new found affections for him. Was it because she turned? Could she have felt these things for him as a human? Had she? It felt real now but it was a jumble of nameless emotions when she had a human pulse.
"Is it something you just do while..." she trailed off, not even able to say the word in his presence. She felt like a child and was thankful the blush that tinged her cheeks was masked by the blue glow of the lamp.
"No. Not for me anyway," he replied. He sounded like he did in Denver, somewhere deep inside himself.
Her eyes rested on the way her chest rose and fell beneath his gaze. She didn't know why he had this kind of effect on her breathing and this wasn't exclusive to her vampire side. She could barely breathe in Denver. The more she tried to conceal what he made her body feel and her mind drift towards, the more her body quaked under the effort.
"I want to try it," she finally stated. Her voice matched her body and she cursed herself for letting the words fall from her mouth.
"And one day you will," he replied gently.
"With you," she added, watching his eyes shut briefly in the reflection.
He sighed a long soft sort of breath until finally murmuring, "It's not a good idea."
She wished she could put into words why. She wished she could take more steps to get where she needed to be. So she closed her eyes and thought about his lips on hers when Stefan was gone and his hands on her body teaching her how to protect herself. She thought about what she felt physically in those moments and the feelings that stirred so deeply inside that she had trouble touching on them later.
"Do you remember when you told me you wanted me to remember the things I felt when Stefan was gone?" she asked, her voice coming out whispery and thick.
He said nothing but his face spoke volumes. It was a funny picture if she felt like laughing; Damon in nice designer clothes staring so intensely at a girl in a kitty cat gown with a seriousness on her face meant for sorrows much deeper than this.
"I do," he replied just as thickly.
"The things I felt feel exactly," she turned her head then and her stomach jolted as their eyes locked in close proximity, "exactly like they do now."
She knew he was uncomfortable on a level due to his response, "annoyed and repulsed?"
She shook her head, causing the very tips of their noses to brush. "Cautiously captivated."
His lips twitched a little into a smile, "Interesting."
"That was then. It feels that way now but now I'm ready to throw out the caution and address why I'm so captivated and consumed by you. I know it's the why I'm ready that you need me to work through before you'll let me. I'm trying but I'm stuck. Not only that but I don't enjoy life without you in it. I try and I fail," Elena admitted in a rush.
"Tell me what you feel," Damon stated. Elena looked at him confused but suddenly his hands were in hers and all she could feel were the rolls of adrenalin in her belly and the almost euphoric clouds in her chest.
"You. I feel you. A thrill and almost painful need for more. Home, safety. Trust. So many things. It's everywhere. Only you do this to me." Elena glanced up at her reflection saw relief. She felt relieved.
Xxxx
Elena tiptoed to the bathroom when she was sure Damon was asleep. It was hot in the room with the doors shut but she was afraid of waking the sleeping vampire on her bed and she very much needed him asleep right now.
She stared in the mirror as she shed her pajama bottoms and traded out her shirt for a white tank that clung loosely to the curve of her breasts. Her skin was moist with sweat but the thinner, looser fabric helped that.
Elena leaned forward to inspect her teeth, popping out her fangs with ease. Truth was, she'd been able to do that and many other things for quite some time. The less guard Damon kept up around her, the easier it would be to do the one thing she'd tortured herself over doing for the past three years. It wasn't in her nature to deceive and betray though it tended to happen more frequently since crossing paths with the monsters and secrets of the world.
She crept back into the room and stood at the end of the bed staring. She hadn't asked him a single question about being able to enter one's mind. She didn't want to throw up any red flags. Elena was unsure if she was supposed to touch him or if she could simply close her eyes and enter inside his thoughts and memories. The only vampire she could practice on was Caroline and the girl woke at the sound of the air moving. It took around four times of Caroline calling her a freak for watching her sleep that Elena decided to give up.
He looked to be in a deep sleep, his lips slightly parted and hand flung lifelessly above his head. She knelt by the bed and tentatively reached out to rest her hand to the top of his head. This all felt very silly like one of those street mind readers who tell you that you're lost but lost on the right path. Everybody was lost.
His eyelids twitched a little under her touch but he seemed to settle quickly back into whatever dream Elena was going to try to join him in. This could go horribly wrong but potentially it could save her and Damon. She just needed to understand him better so that she could understand herself too.
So she closed her eyes and directed her thoughts towards Damon. It was indescribable really; it's like she could feel a door opening. In the simplest of terms it was like walking into the realest of dreams. Her goal was to be a part of his thoughts but without his knowledge that she was there. He wouldn't believe that a vampire who couldn't summon her fangs at will would be able to do something like this.
They were in the boarding house and Damon was cleaning an old gun. Stefan was there too and for a moment they both looked at her and acknowledged that she was there. But then it was like they forgot. She realized the less she became part of the situation that played out in his mind, the more he dismissed her being there. But he was wide open, she could feel what he felt and she could follow his thought processes with ease. She was literally inside of him and it thrilled her in a way.
She watched so many things she didn't want to see or hear. So many things that surprised her that he knew about her and knew about Stefan that she could just reach in and take. She wanted to hear more about Stefan's belief that Damon could never have Elena's respect. She wanted to know why that hurt him so deeply that she felt it in her own gut. So what she wanted seemed to unravel. His father comparing him to Stefan, Katherine shoving his nude body off of her after he declared his love, the endless guilt of never being able to save his brother from himself, the guilt of disappointing Elena as a human. He was consumed with self loathing and guilt yet there was something within all of that she got to see that he didn't. He cared deeply for these people that did nothing but shake their heads at him.
The love he had for his father was surprisingly overwhelming and the pain and rejection that …
-and then he looked at her again, but this time it was different. She said something that didn't add up in his mind, that he knew he wouldn't have created . Her eyes flew open and his hand was around her neck and he was breathing heavily, sweat collecting at his brow. "Don't ever do that." Elena shrank back as much as she could with her neck in an almost vice grip.
She opened her mouth to say something but the intensity behind his eyes burned her into submission. She tried to breathe and the natural instinct to panic at a blocked airway caused her to grasp at his taught wrist. He immediately let go, letting his hand drop to the bed with a thump. Her body acted on it's own accord as she coughed and sucked in air between fighting down the urge to vomit.
"Sorry," he whispered, closing his eyes briefly.
Instead of responding, she stood slowly on shaky legs and turned to trudge into the bathroom. She closed the door with a loud click and locked the door…as if that would keep him out. As Elena slid down the door she touched at her neck tenderly.
She didn't know how she had done it but she had been able to access memories, thoughts, feelings. She knew not only things that he had done or had been done to him…but how they made him feel and perceive the situation. It was incredibly intrusive and she knew it was an ultimate breach of privacy. In all honesty she hadn't known she could do it. She didn't expect it all. She didn't expect to see the things Stefan said to him in the times she wasn't around or the way she made him feel. She saw how much he fought to do what he felt was right and how little it seemed anybody noticed.
Damon felt alone in this world. At times he felt terrified. Worst of all, he felt he wasn't good enough. Between his father, his brother, Katherine and herself…when had he been seen as what he truly was. He was everything she tried to be and more. Loyal, forgiving, impulsive, passionate…
He loved her in a way that felt like it was already lost. He was taking care of her, seeing to it that she could make it in this world as what she was; a vampire. Something he hadn't ever wanted to be either. Stefan had pushed it on him, not respecting his choices at all. Not at all the Stefan she had known for herself. So much Damon could have used against his brother and he hadn't ever brought it out. He loved his brother in ways Stefan didn't love him back. It was upsetting. It upset her.
There was a light knock behind her so she stood slowly to unlock the door and turned immediately to stand in front of the mirror. Damon appeared behind her, closing the door and locking it back. She wasn't sure why but ignored that detail.
His chest was bare and his boxers sat too low so she looked at her own reflection instead. She realized she wasn't covered any better in just the tank that left little to the imagination and some cotton panties.
Elena swallowed painfully and moved her hair to the side to touch gingerly at the angry red marks that would surely bruise if she were human. But she wasn't and things like this disappeared long after the thought of them remained.
"You really had me fooled," Damon muttered, crossing his arms, "the whole teach me how to do this and that routine." He cocked his head, "You're good."
Elena didn't answer, she just swallowed again, trying to regain some composure. Learning so much and feeling it all with Damon was enough to bring her to her knees. But to know exactly how she made him feel and exactly how he saw her as a human, as a vampire, and whoever she was now; she was overcome.
"Feel like an asshole?" he asked.
"That about sums it up," Elena replied hoarsely, flinching a little at the pain in her throat.
She kept her head down, staring at her fingers grasping the laminate bathroom counter even when she felt him move inches from behind her. She felt the heat coming off of his bare chest and felt the breath tickle the damp hairs that clung to her neck.
"When we first started giving this a shot," he ran his fingers gently over the marks on her neck and then let them rest at her collarbone, "When we spent time in your family's lake house and you gave me a piece of you in the form of a binder full of stories and poems. What would it feel like if I dug deeper out of curiosity. What if I looked into that poem about the loneliness and the cold cut of the blade. Or the crow and the man. It's all left up to interpretation on paper but I'm certain there are layers upon layers meant for no one but you."
"I'm sorry," she replied. It was all too much at once and she was having trouble concentrating.
"I'm surprised you're standing with as deep as you probed. Using abilities come at a price Elena," Damon murmured, pushing lightly on an area that had begun to bruise.
He bit into his wrist and hovered it just below her lips, his arm wrapped over her shoulder. She looked up into the mirror to catch his eye questioningly.
He shrugged, a pulse of blood dripping and landing with a deafening splat on the counter. "You were curious about this earlier. And you need to feed. Two birds…"
She darted her tongue out to catch the next pulse of blood that beaded and threatened to go to waste. She rolled the taste around in her mouth, letting it coat the roof of her mouth in a thin sheet of metallic nectar. That was the difference. The sweetness to a vampire's blood, too sweet to gulp at. It was something to be enjoyed.
So she pushed her mouth to his wrist and her stomach jolted at the feeling of her fangs sliding like a blade into his pliable skin. It wasn't a major vein so she had to work for it and found that it didn't frustrate her like it did when feeding on a human. It wasn't about nourishment, though nourish her he would.
He was so perfectly still, yet when she used all the little muscles of her tongue and insides of her mouth that she had never known existed as a human, he grasped at her hip with his other hand. It became more than just the blood after the initial rush of feeding. The taste of him ran into her body and it wasn't the physical feeling of his blood running a trickling path down her throat; it was the realization and the explosion of pure emotion from it being his.
She moaned through the burst of adrenalin that hit her belly and curled deliciously up her body. She felt him inside and out. She knew him inside and out. He quieted her with a squeeze to her hip and his lips to her ear whispering a hush.
She didn't know this existed in life. Maybe it hadn't, maybe it only existed in the wake of death and those that got to walk around in it. Sex was good. It connected you in ways that made you see stars. But this. There were no words. This was something exclusive to their species and she knew it wasn't something so casually shared as sex was to humans and vampires alike. This was special.
He felt it too; she knew it by the way his breathing became quiet quakes of quick intakes and jagged exhales. She didn't want to break away even though she'd had her fill but she stopped taking him in anyway. She hadn't realized it but she had pushed back into him so much so that he was pinned to the wall with just the curve of her bottom.
Elena looked up into the mirror the moment his wrist fell from her mouth and smeared down her tank. His head was rolled back onto the wall, eyes heavy lidded and chest rising and falling with slow and deep intakes of air. His fingers still dug into the soft skin around the jut of her hip bone but they seemed to lighten their grip with each breath.
But she…she looked alive. Her skin glowed creamy olive and eyes had a sheen to them that didn't disappear after rapidly blinking her eyes. Her lips were swollen and notably red even under the crimson of his blood that ran all the way down her chin and collected under her shirt.
"God," was all she said.
"He's got nothing to do with this," he replied.
Xxxxx
Damon touched his wrist where there was just the faintest of proof that what had happened, had indeed happened. He looked down at Elena who was still riding the effects of his blood and he couldn't help the creep of affection that washed over him as he looked at the girl that just took him inside of her with such a sweetness; it was hard not to look at her and say, mine.
She had stripped off the bloodied shirt right in front of him and he supposed that was okay. She had just been inside his mind and taken him inside her body. He was swimming inside her veins and giving her this speedy jilt to her movements and speech. She was dizzying but he'd be lying if he said he was anything less than transfixed.
She ended up covering her chest with her arm as she used just a wad of damp toilet paper to wipe at her face and the messy trail that gathered in the crevice of her breasts. She only made more of a mess so he tossed a dark shirt of his at her and waited on the bed.
She lay there now with her head in his lap, eye's shining up at him in the moonlight as she shivered under his fingers trailing her hairline.
She apologized again for her intrusions but he kept still and silent, enjoying her like this.
He had opened the doors that led out to the deck so that the air rushed in around them and the sound of waves drowned out any hint of a world outside the two of them. It would be easier to live in a world like that.
This was the longest they'd ever stared into one another's eyes but he attributed that to the feed. He was grateful for it, really. He knew what was coming and they deserved this small moment. Through all the shit they'd put one another through, they deserved one damn moment.
"I love you," she whispered up at him, her little fingers making lazy circles around her exposed belly button.
"I love you too," he said back because she already knew.
"Is there anything I can say that will change your mind?" she asked.
She had seen what his plans were when she went probing around his thoughts on the letter she left him. He had every intention on letting her go the moment he felt like she was going to be okay with who she was. It was the most important thing in his life to date; to make sure Elena Gilbert would live a happy life despite becoming what she never wanted to become.
Because now she knew that he became something he never wanted to become that day his brother convinced him to turn. And now she knew that he had never been happy with who he was. Not before turning and not after. There wasn't a soul in the world he felt loved him for who he was.
Now she knew that sometimes he felt he hurt more over her choice being snatched from her than she did. She knew that the things she wrote in her letter and the things she said to Stefan on his behalf made him feel that glimmer of hope that he could be loved in all the right ways that every other damn person around him seemed able to achieve.
He loved her because she was beautiful and entrancing. He loved her because she was kind and strong. He loved her because the care she took in taking care of his brother at his worst. He loved her because she pushed him to be the good he had once been in the time so long ago before he needed a damn ring to step outside.
She was going to fall in love with somebody less damaged. She would find a young boy that was still trying to figure out how to be selfless in a selfish world; someone just like her.
"Yes but I don't think you know the words yet," he finally replied, stilling his fingers on their cycle back around her earlobe. He twisted absently at the little silver stud, watching the skin of her lobe turn a little pink in agitation.
"I won't stop searching for them," she responded, "I won't give up on this. Not ever."
He stared down at this girl in his bunched up black shirt with his blood rubbed like water color down her neck and he felt the hope that was always there. That this could really be it for him. But hope was for the naïve and he had long since grown out of such things.
He reached for her fingers that traced invisible trails around her navel and brought her daylight ring-clad finger to his lips. He pressed a kiss down the length of it and stated against her skin, "you will always be my friend and you will always be my family."
"And you will always be my first love," Elena whispered.
He squeezed his eyes shut at that, her words hitting him hard and deep. Those were words he never expected to hear fall from her swollen stained lips. He knew she wasn't just being kind, she meant it. It's hard to mean much else when you're riding through the haze of a vampire feed. Her definition of love had changed. Her definition was finally catching up to his.
She said this even after touching on the thoughts and feelings surrounding Katherine. She wanted to know and she took the feeling right from him and he was still amazed that she had the ability to do so. She shouldn't have been able to dig as deep as she had. He shouldn't have been so easy to control by someone so much younger than he.
She was asleep now and he could easily dive into her mind, especially while she lay drunk on his blood. But instead he covered her with the thin sheet and made his way back to Mystic Falls, her smell all over his skin.
Xxxx
AN: Don't forget to hit the review button and let me know what you think. We're getting close to the end folks.