Coming To America!

Episode Ten: A Spiral in the Sand…

SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA: 10:15 AM, 3rd TUESDAY

Sasuke took off. He couldn't believe it. He COULDN'T believe it. He had just told Sakura whom he loved.

I'm so stupid! Sasuke thought as he threw himself down a hallway. He was going to go into a dead-end alleyway, but Gaara and Lin were occupying it. This scene only made Sasuke even more distraught.

He dashed down another hallway and found a janitor's closet. Desperately, Sasuke jumped into it and locked the door. He sank to the cement floor, hitting a mop with his shoulder on the way down.

I'm dead. I'm so dead. Sakura will tell Naruto all about it, I'm sure.

I mean, I told Shino because I knew he wouldn't tell. Shino is a good guy – a great guy.

In fact, I think he introduced me to Naruto…

-

"Shino-san," Sasuke greeted Shino on their way to the Ninja Academy. Both of them, being only five years old or so, had a long way to go until they graduated.

"Sasuke-san," Shino nodded at him, pushing his sunglasses up the bridge of his nose. "How is your family?"

"They're doing well," Sasuke responded. "Today my mother is going to show me how to use poisons in battle. She says it's important to her. And your family?"

"Excellent," Shino answered. "Nothing out of the ordinary."

The two walked in silence to the Academy, which wasn't far off in the distance. Shino and Sasuke were a strange pair indeed; they barely talked in class, but weren't shy at all. Iruka didn't know quite what to make of them, but since their families were well respected, he left well enough alone.

Today, however, a gigantic water balloon interrupted the two neophyte ninjas' silent walk. Sasuke was the intended target. The balloon, needless to say, hit its mark and drenched Sasuke through to the bone.

Shino whipped around angrily to see a blonde kid wearing orange pants and a white tee shirt. He was giggling insanely and running from a few jonin.

"Hah! Got you, hot-snot Uchiha!" the blonde kid yelled mockingly. The jonin became even angrier.

"HEY! NARUTO! DON'T DISRESPECT THE UCHIHA CLAN!" one jonin yelled after the blonde kid.

Naruto (the blonde kid) dashed past both Shino and Sasuke, who followed him with venomous eyes. The jonin scrambled past a bit later, but it was clear that Naruto was going to be the winner here.

Shino turned to Sasuke indifferently. "Do you need a change of clothes? The Nara house isn't too far up. We can borrow some of Shikamaru's stuff…"

Sasuke shivered.

"Sasuke-san, are you -?"

"Tell me something, Shino-san," Sasuke began, rather lightly, "was that a boy or a girl?"

"I believe it was a boy," Shino explained. "But what does that –?"

"He will wish he was never born," Sasuke muttered through gritted teeth.

-

Alas, that never came to be. Sasuke's entire family – save him and his cursed brother Itachi – were slaughtered no more than a week later. Sasuke's hatred of Naruto was now a stupid, insignificant thought compared to the way he loathed Itachi, the brother he had once trusted.

Sasuke went to stay with Shino for a while after the attack. They still walked to school in silence, but the silence was no longer contemplative. It was now disturbed, painful silence.

Two weeks after the water balloon incident, Shino finally decided to talk.

"Sasuke-kun… do you remember that Naruto brat?" Shino asked. "How you said you would wish he was never born?"

"That's stupid, Shino-kun," Sasuke responded. "It wouldn't change anything."

Shino blinked. He could swear that he saw a blush rise on Sasuke's face.

"Sasuke-kun… have you noticed that Naruto kid is in our class?" Shino asked furtively. Sasuke sighed.

"Yes. But I don't want to hurt him, okay? If you want to, it's your deal, not mine."

Sasuke walked away from Shino, leaving him confused and lonely.

-

That was when I first met Naruto, wasn't it? Sasuke thought as he buried his head in his hands. He soaked my clothes, and I had to borrow Shikamaru's.

Did I ever get that shirt back to him?

Ah, who cares.

But even then, I was falling for him and his cocky charms. I watched him in class every day, pretending to loathe him. But I couldn't. Not with Itachi out there.

Two years passed like that, I think, Sasuke remembered. He picked up a rock lying on the floor and pressed it against his palm. It left a small, spiral-like indent on his palm. And I met Sakura for the first time. I liked her as a friend, but at this point, I was completely infatuated with Naruto… and I didn't realize it. Neither did she, thank God.

Of course, Sakura has… and always will be… a narcissist. She doesn't realize that, in thinking only of herself, she will do herself and others irreparable harm sooner or later.

Like she just did now. No doubt that everything's going to go downhill from here.

God, Sakura, why?

Sasuke gritted his teeth and slammed his head against the wall. A bruise formed on his forehead. Sasuke just got angrier. He didn't have his forehead protector! He wasn't a ninja here! He was NOTHING! NOTHING!

Sasuke stopped. He had heard this before…

-

"I'm NOTHING! NOTHING!"

Sasuke and Shino tried to calm Shikamaru down. He was hysterical. Ino had just turned him down, and he… hadn't taken it well, to say the least. He was sniffling and sobbing and screaming stupid things.

"Shikamaru-san, stop this…" Shino demanded kindly. "Yelling isn't going to get her back. Trust me on this one…"

Shikamaru sobbed again. He turned his watery, red eyes to Shino. "W-What am I g-going to do without her…? I L-LOVE Ino-chan… and I have ever since w-we were kids…"

Sasuke sat down next to Shikamaru and sighed. "You know, I'm in love with someone who will never love me back, too."

Shikamaru blinked, shocked into silence.

Shino also blinked, but he wasn't about to let that go without question. "What are you talking about, Sasuke?"

"I'm talking about a person that I love," Sasuke offered plainly. "A screw-up, sure, but I love him…"

"H-Him?" Shikamaru choked out. His tears were drying. "You like a boy…?"

"I do," Sasuke nodded. "I've never told anyone before, but I'm in love with Uzumaki Naruto."

It was Shino's turn to be speechless. Shikamaru, however, was baffled.

"W-What is that supposed to mean?" Shikamaru blathered. "I mean, you're SASUKE! The coolest guy in school! And you like – love – I don't get it!"

-

Good old Shikamaru, Sasuke thought. And Shino's right. Thinking like that isn't going to set anything right.

Sasuke took a look at his surroundings.

This place is stuffy.

Sasuke walked to the other side of the cramped quarters, breathing slowly and calming himself down. He was about to open the door up when it slammed open, smacking Sasuke in the face and causing him to fall.

"Oh my God, I'm sorry!" the voice cried. It was female, but it wasn't Sakura. That was good.

Sasuke looked up. It was Orohime.

"Orohime…?" Sasuke mused. "What are you doing here?"

Orohime crossed her arms in an irritated manner. "Looking for you. Look, I'm sorry I was acting like an ass towards you."

Sasuke stood up shakily, pondering what Orohime had said.

"What do you mean?" Sasuke asked. "You didn't treat me badly. You acted just fine."

"No, I wasn't acting 'just fine'," Orohime corrected. She closed her eyes, and a tearstain became visible on her glasses. Sasuke inhaled sharply. Orohime looked like she was about to go in for the kill…

I don't like you… Sasuke thought desperately.

"I was a bitch…"

I DON'T like you…

"And I just want you to know…"

I DON'T LIKE YOU…

"I was trying to break up you and Koku," Orohime revealed, her body shaking. "Sakura wanted me to, but then Asher told me that she was in love with Rock Lee and not you, like we thought…"

Sasuke was caught by surprise (and not only by surprise, but toothily unarmed). He didn't expect Orohime to say that, obviously. Orohime didn't seem like the type to do something like that…

"Wait. What?" Sasuke murmured in a confused voice.

Orohime narrowed her eyes. "Do you want me to repeat it?" She sat down on the floor. "I'm such a failure… the Astronominov clan will disown me…"

"Clan?" Sasuke repeated, now even more confused.

"My family is a clan," Orohime explained. "I'm supposed to be the heir – after all, my parents did name me Snake Princess. But now they'll probably give the family to Susan…"

Orohime continued to rant as Sasuke looked down and began to twiddle his thumbs.

She's heir to a clan, then, Sasuke thought to himself. Just as I would have been…

A nagging need gripped Sasuke's insides. Twists of guilt, pain and anguish ripped at his stomach. Itachi. How could he have lost sight of what was really important, here in America? Itachi was still on the loose, and, if what Gaara had told him was true, Kabuto was his new assistant. He had to be stopped.

"…It helps that Susan has a girlfriend…" Orohime muttered under her breath. "They like her, she's strong-willed and friendly and perfect in just about every way…"

Sasuke blinked. "Susan has a girlfriend? Don't you mean boyfriend?"

"No," Orohime retorted sharply. "His REAL name is Susan, but he prefers to be called Mandark. God knows it's a better name for him…"

Sasuke smiled. As Orohime babbled on about Mandark's perfect girlfriend (Nora was her name, apparently), he realized that it was foolish to worry about what Sakura knew. It wouldn't change anything. Itachi was still out there, and he had to be stopped.

"Orohime, thank you," Sasuke smirked before walking back into the hallway.

Orohime looked up and frowned.

"He is SO WEIRD…" Orohime grimaced, stuffing her hands in her pockets. She paused before snickering. "Oh yeah, this coming from the Quagmire fan-girl…"

-

Sasuke unlocked the Hyman house's front door. In systematically ignoring Sakura all day (which wasn't hard, because that's what he typically did), he got through his day rather uneventfully.

But then Sasuke heard a sound. An awful sound it was. Whoops, that was Yoda-esque, but the point isn't so hard to understand.

I mean, retching is hardly a pleasant thing.

"Who is that?!" Sasuke asked frantically. A gasping noise came from the bathroom with the Britney Spears poster. Sasuke ran down the hall to see Liam, in obvious pain, and Jerard, trying to get some 7-Up in Liam's stomach.

"Liam, bro, there's nothing left in your stomach," Jerard said, trying to use some simple psychology on Liam. Sasuke was speechless.

"How did this happen?" Sasuke asked angrily.

Itachi, Sasuke thought.

"Don't eat the pizza in the fridge," Liam managed to choke out before he vomited again.

Or food poisoning, Sasuke realized sheepishly.

Jerard looked at the bathroom. In the interest of decency, let's just say that it was pretty bad in there. Jerard sighed as he wiped… something… off of the wall with a washcloth.

"This is worse than that party that Paris Hilton threw," Jerard muttered. "Remember that, Liam?"

"Unfortunately," he whimpered. The color was returning to his arms.

A lightbulb went off in Sasuke's head. It couldn't have been food poisoning…

"I ate that pizza, too," Sasuke murmured. "Way before you did at lunch, anyway; I had it for breakfast. Liam, is there a sharp pain on the left side of your stomach?"

"Of course, I've been barfing all after –" Liam started up. Sasuke ran over to Jerard and grabbed his shoulders roughly.

"Jerard, he doesn't have food poisoning," Sasuke concluded. "His appendix just burst. Get him to the hospital!"

Jerard's eyes widened exponentially. He jumped up and ran towards the front door. "I'm driving!"

As Jerard ran out of the house, Sasuke hoisted Liam up in the crook of his arm. Sasuke grabbed a trashcan and emptied it on the floor before giving it to Liam. Sasuke was in mission mode.

"If you need to throw up, do it in that," Sasuke ordered.

"But the trash –"

"That's not an issue right now!"

Sasuke hobbled over to front door (it's kind of hard to walk with a near-invalid using you as a support beam) with Liam in tow.

"Liam, you're gonna be all right," Sasuke assured him. "Where I come from, people lived through appendicitis when they got it."

"I'm not worried about that…" Liam muttered weakly. "I'm afraid of Jerard's driving…"

Sasuke sighed. "It's either that or internal poisoning. Take your pick."

Sasuke shoved Liam into the back seat and ran around to the other side of the beat-up Mazda, jumping into the seat next to Liam. Sasuke buckled Liam into a seatbelt.

He can't do much under his own power right now, Sasuke thought.

"I'm afraid," Liam breathed. "I'm gonna die. I'm going to die. I can't die! I'm only fourteen!"

"Calm down!" Jerard yelled as he tore out of the driveway. He really was a maniacal driver.

"How can I calm down?" Liam snapped back. "I'M GOING TO BE DEAD!"

"SHUT UP!" Sasuke demanded. "YOU AREN'T GOING TO DIE!"

"I have APPENDICITIS! IT COULD BE TOO LATE!" Liam lamented, angry tears bubbling in his eyes.

This day SUCKS, Sasuke thought bitterly.

"I'M SCARED!" Liam screeched. He was beyond reasoning.

"Jerard, he needs to calm down!" Sasuke explained before he cocked his head. "Why are you playing with the CD tuner?"

"I'm working on the whole 'calming down' thing," Jerard replied as he ran a red light. A woman in a mini-van honked at him, but Jerard was too busy with the CD player.

"Track twelve… track twelve… COME ON YOU PIECE OF CRAP GO TO TRACK TWELVE!" Jerard screamed.

"I'M GOING TO DIE!" Liam moaned before doubling up and grabbing the trashcan.

"He's not doing good, Jerard!" Sasuke informed him urgently.

"The hospital is three minutes away!" Jerard answered quickly. "Yes! TRACK TWELVE! HALLELUJAH!"

"I… this… I'm too young!" Liam stammered. He was frantic and ill, not a good combination.

"PLAY!" Jerard stated, pressing the play button on the CD tuner.

A techno beat filtered through the car's tinny speakers.

"Techno? THIS IS SUPPOSED TO -?" Sasuke began before the lyrics kicked in.

"It's coming up, it's coming up, it's coming up, it's coming up, it's coming up, it's coming up – it's DARE!"

Sasuke looked over to Liam. He wasn't chalk white anymore (he was now ash white) and he had stopped yelling. His breathing slowed down.

"What is this…?" Sasuke asked.

"It'd be the only song that calms Liam down," Jerard pointed out. "DARE, by Gorillaz."

"You've got to press it on you… you just a-think it, that's what you do baby… Hold it down there…"

"What an odd circumstance," Sasuke noted. "Isn't Liam usually a heavy-metal kind of guy?"

"Have you TRIED to calm someone down with heavy metal?" Jerard commented off-handedly. "Besides, DARE is his crush's favorite song."

"What?"

"Yeah. Liam has a few issues, though. He doesn't know… OH THANK GOD IT'S THE HOSPITAL!"

Jerard swerved into a parking space and slammed the breaks on. Sasuke found himself flung into the front seat. Jerard was already unloading Liam from the back seat.

"Hurry, Sasuke!"

Sasuke jumped out of the car and helped Jerard drag Liam towards the Sacramento Healing Heart Hospital.

DIMMSDALE, CALIFORNIA: 3:59 PM, 3RD TUESDAY

"This is crazy," Maru spat.

He was laying on a grassy knoll in Dimmsdale, watching cars, bicyclists, and people fly by near and on an intersection in the heart of the city.

All of a sudden, a gigantic portal ripped through the air above him. Iruka and Kakashi popped out, looking even more out of place than Maru did.

"Konohamaru?" Iruka asked.

Konohamaru (oh man now I have to type all this again) looked up and began to cry tears of joy.

"I WANT TO GO HOME!" Konohamaru begged. "It's so weird here, I can't take it anymore!"

Kakashi stuck his hand in the realm-tripping circle. "We are going home, Konohamaru. We have Itachi in custody, and now we need your help to find Kabuto…"

Konohamaru nodded his approval. The three of them leapt through the portal.

However, they didn't know that someone else followed them in…

You might think that the other someone is Seto Kaiba. Well, IT'S NOT! HAH!

It was actually someone much worse. It was Denzel Crocker.

SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA: 4:12 PM, 3RD TUESDAY

"He should be fine in ten days," the doctor told Jerard and Sasuke in the waiting room. The doctor was a brunette, with sparkling green eyes and a perfect smile. He was like George Clooney, when he was on ER. It was a rather frightening semblance, actually.

"Ten days? That… oh my God, no!" Jerard moaned.

"What? He's going to be fine," Sasuke reinforced. "Isn't that the most important thing here?"

"Yes," Jerard admitted, "but remember what's happening on Thursday?"

"…"

Sasuke was at a loss for words.

"NO," Sasuke blurted out. "NO THIS ISN'T GOOD."

"I have NO DRUMMER," Jerard moaned.

The doctor, God bless his soul, stood wordlessly through the remainder of the conversation.

"Does that mean you'll have to cancel the show?" Sasuke asked.

"I can't," Jerard explained. "Mimi is already there."

"Mimi?"

"Our guitarist. She lives in Ojai. I can't just call her up and say we've canceled it! She's been looking forward to it for weeks!"

Sasuke frowned. "So how are we gonna get a drummer…?"

Jerard and Sasuke thought for a while. At least, they were, until Jerard jumped up out of his chair.

"I've got it! We rig the Special Olympics!" Jerard yelled.

Sasuke blanched. "That was the plot of that movie we watched last night, remember?"

"Oh yeah…"

A few more ideas volleyed across the room.

"We rob a train!"

"That's what Peter Griffin did yesterday on Family Guy."

"We whore ourselves out to a thousand fat chicks, fifty bucks each…"

"That's what Glen Quagmire did Tuesday on Family Guy."

"We build a time machine and –"

"WE CANNOT DO ANY OF THOSE THINGS! WE DO NOT LIVE IN THE FAMILY GUY UNIVERSE! AND THEY DON'T EVEN MAKE SENSE! HOW IS ROBBING A TRAIN GOING TO HELP US?! AND I'D LIKE TO STAY A VIRGIN FOR A WHILE!"

An awkward silence followed

Sasuke frowned. "If only… maybe you could… no, you can't train someone that quickly…"

Jerard looked over at Sasuke as a wicked smile broke out over his face.

"YOU!" Jerard screamed.

Now it was Sasuke's turn to be frantic.

"…WHAT THE HELL?!"

End Episode Ten

A/N: AAAAH! Good to be back! It's been a while, hasn't it? This chapter was really really hard to write, just so you know… I didn't want it to sound like that throwaway flashback episode of Lost. It still came off like that, though. Oh well.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Naruto and I am not responsible if any yaoi fans collapse and need hospitalization. Don't try me. I'm onto you, yaoi fans! (shify eyes… JK, I love you guys.)

Episode Eleven Preview

In Sacramento, it appears that Sasuke is headed to New York to be the substitute drummer for 7 Licks. But that isn't the least of his troubles – his brother has appendicitis, and no one will be there for him! So Sasuke comes up with a plan: find his crush and get her to watch him! But there's one little problem with Liam's crush…

Also, we go a little ways back in time to see Sakura's reaction to Sasuke's sudden confession. Naturally, she's shocked, but what'll happen when Koku, of all people, comes to comfort her in her sorrow? Actually, why is EVERYONE she knows deciding to be weird around her?

In New York, everything is revolving around what could be the most important test of Naruto's skill yet: the Algebra test! With everyone on edge and a gang fight threatening to kill him, Naruto's going to need every ounce of courage and deceit available to him… And, in other news, Mari goes off and buys concert tickets to see 7 Licks! Who is she taking with her? That will be determined in time…

Finally, in Kansas, it's the breaking point for Temari, Darien, and Kiba. Temari knows that now is the time to destroy the love triangle, but she can't figure out a way to do it that doesn't involve killing anyone. Will she do the unthinkable?

Next time: Coming to America! Episode Eleven: What Do You Mean, You Don't Love Him?! Revealing Secrets to Be Lies!

Sakura: It's my shining moment!

Ino: Let's face it; the only shining moment you ever had on the main show was when you chopped off your hair. You will never again have a shining moment.

Sakura: SHUT UP!

Ino: MAKE ME!
Brooke Valentine: There's about to be a GURL-FIIIGHT!

Choji: Who's Brooke Valentine…?