Title: So It Goes
Author: ZombieJazz
Fandom: Chicago PD
Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.
Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.
This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.
As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.
This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.
A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).
SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.
Hank glanced at Erin as she came into his office – and closed the door without permission to do so. He gave her a look and a bit of a smack at the intrusion. But sat straighter, taking his knee off the edge of his desk where it'd been leaning while he scrolled through the never-ending bullshit on his phone and tried to decide if it was safe to take leave that evening.
Erin ignored his reaction – and body language, though. Seemed like she usually did. And she just shoved a form on his desk and took a seat – again, uninvited.
He rocked back in his chair and eyed the paperwork. Because he wasn't expecting any from her that day. And as much of a keener that Erin could be when it came to investigating and shutting a case, that keenest usually ended when it came time to sit down and dot all the I's and cross all the T's for the Ivory Tower. So whatever it was, he imagined he wasn't too interested in looking at it. Not right now when he was trying to wrap up his own shit and shift locations – so he could sit and keep watch over his son's homework rather than the jokers in his bullpen. Pains in his ass, no matter where he was sitting these days.
"What's this?" he smacked at it.
"Furlough application," she said. "They're due into HR next week."
He grunted. "Planning a vacation?"
Her eyebrow got raised at him. "Ethan," she said with such a fucking patronizing tone. "Florida."
"Mmm …," he allowed and glanced at his phone.
"Jay's got one for you to sign off on too," she pressed.
"Mmm …," he allowed.
"Outside of Al, we've both got senority," she pressed harder.
He gave her a glance at that. "Don't need to file by deadline," he said. "Just give me a couple weeks heads up."
Because he hated getting – or letting – HR get involved in the management of his unit. Too fucking bureaucratic. Didn't have time for that bullshit. Extra, unnecessary paperwork. Just fucking red tape. Policies put in place by people who didn't know how to do the job. Besides, wasn't too often anyone under him actually filed for furlough. Most of them didn't end up taking it until HR did one of their little audits and realized that his guys had a bunch of unused days and then came down with some forced, mandatory furlough bullshit.
Erin glared at him, though. "We want it on the books," she said firmly. He smacked his displeasure at that. "If one of us isn't here come summer, don't want to get jerked around about not having put in the paperwork."
"One of you planning on going somewhere?" he put to her more directly.
Some ways that would be good news. Likely mean that the wedding bells would finally be ringing. But filling that spot would be another pain in his ass. Though, he was more than aware that some folks were sniffing around about Halstead. Not that he favored his girl leaving the unit either. But he'd been doing his best to get in front of Halstead's pending transfer.
Grooming him a bit. Making him a bit of his number two. Fill in some of the roles and responsibilities that had been left open when Antonio had spread his wings. Set him up so he'd be in a decent position to potentially take over Intelligence down the road. Or at least make him a bit more appealing to other units. Even get and lead one of his own. Eventually. Few years down the road.
So maybe Erin and Jay's little delay factor on that particular paperwork – their fucking marriage license – wouldn't work out too bad for anyone. Though, starting to think he'd likely have another grandchild before they bothered making their little union official.
See how that played out with the Ivory Tower. Pregnant unmarried officer when everyone and their fucking brother knew her and Halstead were together. Dependant paperwork. Time-off getting requested at the same time by the two of them. More fucking bureaucratic headaches.
But not that he wanted the two of them working in the same unit after there were kids on the scene anyway. Dynamic of a couple was bad enough to deal with. No matter how fucking professional you tried to keep things. But wasn't going to be responsible for two people who needed to get home to the same kid. Unfair to the kid to have both their parents walking into the same fucking danger day-in, day-out. Not responsible. Not organized. Not fucking smart.
His girl just cocked that smart-ass eyebrow at him again, though. "You were threatening to put him on the next transfer order out earlier in the week."
That got another smack. She was really pushing it that week. But they all were. If the case wasn't shitty enough, a week of bullshit like he was dealing with a fucking kindergarten classroom. Surprised they hadn't set Kenny off. But he was doing his best to toe the line. Didn't want to go flying on his face. Had too much at stake on the job and the homefront for that. And they were both on the understanding that his time with Intelligence could be real time limited if he played his cards wrong or had too many missteps.
Might be walking up on his expiration date now ways. Kid got that too. Ruzek showing back up. Took him long enough. Could appreciate taking the opportunity to do a U.C. assignment. Young guy. Potential to be good police. But still fucking young. Lacking in experience and judgment. Too impulsive sometimes. Ego and hothead. That sort of shit got you killed on the job in this city with the kind of cases they went after. So had to use his own judgment about the kind of assignments he put Adam on. Kid likely had felt he wasn't getting enough responsibility. Not getting enough U.C. opportunities of his own in Intelligence. And he might've respected that a bit more, even if him taking a short-notice hike had been a pain in the ass, if there hadn't been the whole Burgess factor. Real convenient timing that Adam decided to take his little walkabout as soon as Kim got her ticket upstairs. Said something about where the two of them were at personally and professionally. Said a whole lot more about Ruzek's level of respect of the team. His acknowledgement of living together and dying together as a team. Of fucking team effort to do the job. Having each other's backs. When you just dug in. Where the lines were in respect and honor. Of the city and the job.
So he was going to have to decide what he was going to do all about that. Kid seemed to think he could just come back and walk right back upstairs. Had another thing coming if he thought that was how this was all going to work out. Need to do some mea culpa to everyone. Earn back some respect and trust. Prove himself all over again. Show that he fucking still deserved a spot up in his bullpen when he had two new guys doing a decent job. None of this lazy ass delegation bullshit that Adam liked to do. Kim and Kenny had their socks pulled up right now. Both wanted their spots and wanted to keep their spots.
Was going to have to do some real hard thinking and looking at the budget to see if there was still a spot for Adam upstairs. And if there was, if it meant Burgess or Rixton had to take leave. And which one. Bit of a mess. But Ruzek seemed pretty fucking good at bringing messes into his bullpen.
"You making this hard because you don't want us take him?" Erin put flatly.
Hank shrugged. "You told him you'd take him," he said.
"But you still don't think we can handle it," she glared.
Put his tongue in his cheek and gave his head a shake. Thought it might be more than Ethan could realistically handle. But knew that Erin and Halstead could handle anything that came up. Trusted them with it. With his son. They'd take care of him. Managed him well. Just thought they needed to do some reality checks about the whole thing.
Eth had need travelled that far away before – let alone flown. Needed to look into getting his injection kit through security. Needed to make sure they had enough of his meds with him for the trip and where and how to get more if they ran out or lost any along the way. Needed to know where the hospitals were or what the plan was if the got sick on the trip. Needed to do research on the where and how they were going to feed him. Because Ethan and restaurants? Didn't work out too well unless they were just planning on getting him grilled chicken and salad for the entire holiday. So likely needed to rent a condo or time-share with a kitchen so they could cook most of the meals. Needed to be cognizant of just how fucking hot and humid Florida got in the summer. And needed to remember just how poorly Magoo did in that kind of weather and what it did for him flaring up. Needed to acknowledge that the kid likely wouldn't be able to spend a whole day in any of these theme parks and probably wouldn't do too well out in the sun all day on the beach either.
Needed to be prepared to stop him when he was overdoing it – and pushing it – because he would. And there'd be some arguments and likely tears from the kid because of that. Needed to research some of these fucking rides he wanted to go on too. Because Hank just wasn't too thrilled about any of these thrill rides or rollercoasters that might be batting his kids head, neck or legs around. Eth was rattled up enough and in enough pain most of the time, he didn't need that. And needed to really understand that E only went so far so fast on even his best of days. No matter what kind of vacation you were doing, they involved a whole lot of walking. And, that might not be great for Ethan. Then there was the fact he'd be missing a week or two of ball with this big trip. He'd be missing some cognitive and physical therapy. And, it might screw up summer school or him being rested enough for back-to-school depending on when Erin thought she wanted to drag him on this little adventure.
"Nope," he put to her, though. Because having that reality check – which would ultimately turn into an argument where she likely felt he was patronizing her and treating her like some sort of ditzy teenaged babysitter – wasn't going to be something he'd do at work. There'd been enough dinner theater going on in his fucking bullpen lately. Too many confrontations and short tempers flaring in too many people the past couple weeks. Didn't look like that was going to settle with Ruzek back on the scene either. More fucking drama.
"Then is it because you want to come," she said with some distaste.
"Can't come," he said.
She sighed a little at that and slouched in her uninvited seat. "It's fine," she said. "You can come. If you want to."
He shrugged at her. "Couldn't come even if I wanted to," he said. "Having two of you out of here at the same time is going to be enough of a pain in the ass. Will have to bring in some backfill for at least one of you."
He couldn't be leaving too. Supervisor and two of his crew off the frontline? That just wouldn't fly. HR would definitely have something to say about that.
Didn't even need to send it that far. Knew after all his years as a supervisor that you didn't book your holidays at the same time as much of your staff. Maybe one of them. But two? Too many headaches. And just opening shit up for the Ivory Tower to send in someone else to backfill you. And that just opened shit up for getting yourself pushed out. That wasn't ground he was willing to go treading on. Had fought hard to get Intelligence. Had fought harder to keep it. Was going to be under enough of a microscope for the rest of his career. Didn't need anyone coming in there and analyzing his guys and the way he did things. Getting into his space and in on his cases. Touching his shit. That was off limits.
Erin tilted her head at him a bit. "And you're upset?"
He shook his head with a pucker. "Theme parks aren't my thing," he provided flatly.
Definitely weren't. Could deal with going his whole life without seeing Mickey Mouse. Wouldn't have no regrets about that. Was already having to be exposed to more Disney than he wanted to. That fucking Cars movie had become the go to get-the-kid-to-shut-up tool with H. Kid was transfixed by the fucking things. Voight didn't see the appeal. Seemed like E did, though. The two boys could flake out in front of the TV in zombie mode for that damn movie. And he was fucking sure by the time Henry outgrew it, he'd have enduring more than enough Disneyfication for his lifetime. Only was likely going to have to endure something else from the House of Mouse before he dropped dead if he ended up with more grandkids. But it being on the fucking Squawk Box was different than going to fucking Disneyland. Or WORLD. As Magoo kept correcting him whenever this damn trip got brought up. And it got brought up a lot. Probably more by him and Erin than Eth. It'd become the go-to arm-twister in getting him to plow through his fucking homework more weeks than not.
But, at the same time, even though he had no fucking interest in Walt's theme parks – or any others, for that matter – there was some appeal in having the opportunity to see Magoo interact with some of it. Just see him happy and excited. Because he really didn't see enough of that. Thought it might be worth the trip and the admission fee. And enduring the commercialization and brain-washing of the Disney propaganda. But, had settled on that it just wasn't going to happen and there'd be lots of other opportunities to see Magoo excited and happy about other things. Hopefully. Worked at making his own time and own memories with the kid. That were more up his alley than Goofy and Darth Fuck-Head and Potted Potter. Sounded pretty fucking Dopey to him.
"We're going to do other things," Erin said defensively. Because they both knew that even though she was doing this for her brother, spending a week at Disney wasn't exactly her cup of tea either.
"I know," Hank allowed.
Because he really did. And it was those other things that he had some tinges of regret about not getting to be there for. Hadn't gotten Eth to see the ocean yet. Had gotten that for his other kids when they were growing up. And he would've liked to be a part of that for Magoo. See his face and his awe. Get a bit of a fancy to goof around with him in the surf. Watch him play in the waves. No matter how nice the beaches were along the shores of Lake Michigan, the ocean was a different experience. Real different. And he would've liked to be there for that.
Would've liked to take his son deep sea fishing. That might've been hard. Would've made him think of Camille too much. Would've missed her that day. But would've known she would've loved that her little boy was getting to do that. To have that experience. And Voight would've liked to be there next to him.
And knew that there'd been some talk about them taking E to the Daytona Speedway and the Kennedy Space Center. Still a little touristy but way more up his alley than fucking Disney World. And with his son growing into his own person with his own interests and skills as a teenager – a young man – he would've liked to be there to support him in that. To push at it a bit. To see him interact and grow and learn.
Thing was since E had come home he'd been acutely aware of how much he'd missed with his little boy. How he'd made that decision – or series of decisions – that let him miss out on that. And, now with J gone, it'd just become so much more stark that you couldn't get back lost time. That time you had with your kids – when they're young, when they are growing into their own person – you've got to treasure them and take full advantage of them. He hadn't with J. He'd taken it too much for granted. And with Eth – he was struggling to make up for lost time. And he never would.
Didn't like missing things now. But the reality was you couldn't be there for every single second of your kids' lives. Just wasn't possible. Wasn't realistic. And it was what it was.
Erin sighed at him. "So … what? Do you want us to hold off until there's a time we can all go?"
He shook his head. "Unless you're really planning on going somewhere, couldn't tell you when that would be. Told him you'd take him this summer. So go. Have some time with him."
She sighed at him again. "You sure?"
He nodded. "Sure. Lots of opportunity to do something else with him. Another week. Spring Break."
He shrugged. He didn't know. Knew that E had lots of ideas about things he thought he wanted to do. All the time. Dinosaur digs and spy museums and Spring Training trips and road trips across creation and fishing trips and camping trips. National Parks he wanted to hit. And other ball teams he wanted to see play. Lots of opportunity to do something with his boy. If he could find the time. But, he was trying hard these days to make the time. To not hear J's voice ringing in his ears about him always being about the work. That he was always working. Eth wouldn't be looking back on his teens and saying that about him. And when he did say he was all about the work, it'd be with respect and pride. Not resentment. So he'd make the time and he'd find some special times with his boy. Just not on this trip.
Still, she stared at him for a long beat. And he just stared back. Could tell she was measuring him. But he was a big boy. Could handle some disappointment. Life was full of all kinds of disappointments.
Besides, he knew on some level he'd just get in the way of their plans. And their relationship. And their good time. Be underfoot. The old fucking man. Fuddy-Duddy. Or just plain fucking Grumpy.
Erin deserved to have some time with her brother. E deserved to have some time with her. For them to develop their relationship and have memories and a bond independent of him. Already did. But sharing something like this – something that was actually positive – might help them. Maybe it'd help them all navigate through his teen years and high school too. Because it sure looked like it was likely going to be a bit of a rollercoaster ride. And not for the tame Disney variety.
She must've decided there was some sincerity in it. Because she fidgeted a bit. "We really just want to nail down the dates, so we can start looking more seriously at flights and hotels or whatever."
He grunted. "Good plan."
"Ahh …," she said and pulled out her phone, starting to thumb around on it. "So I'm going to assume that he's likely going to have to go to summer school again …"
"Safe bet," he allowed and reached for his phone too. Because he knew she was likely looking to scan down the fucking family calendar she'd setup and propose some dates she thought she wanted to do this thing. Or endure it.
"So, I guess maybe the last week or June or … the second week of Aug—"
She stopped in her tracks as she stared at her phone and gave him a small glance over the top of it.
He knew what she'd spotted. But he just grunted. Let her hang there for a moment and then watched as the phone in his hand did a little swirl and what he'd seen in there since that morning disappeared from the list.
Figured she'd likely accidentally ticked off some box on this stupid fucking calendar thing she'd set up on all their phones. Likely did it the night before. Probably when her and Jay were fiddling around with the thing trying to come up with dates for this trip in preparation for her coming in here for this chat.
But whatever they'd done – or she'd done – she'd managed to put what was pretty fucking clearly either her ovulation or menstruation calendar up for all to see. Well, all being him and Olive. He wasn't sure how often Olive looked at the damn calendar thing. But he'd noticed it land in there when he was looking through Eth's schedule for the next week in the morning. Wasn't the sort of thing that he could tell her she had up there. She would've been pissed at him. And likely upset and embarrassed. And he probably would've picked the wrong words to let her know it was visible and it would've just rubbed her the wrong way. He'd just sort of hoped that her or Halstead would've noticed all the little red banners across multiple days every month had showed up – preferably when he wasn't around. And they would've corrected it. And they could all just pretend he hadn't seen it. Or they could just fucking wonder if he had seen it. And he'd never say anything to indicate he had.
But he had. And it had him wondering a lot of different things. Knew it could be nothing. Could just be Erin keeping track of her own time of the month for whatever reasons it was that women felt the need to mark that shit on the calendar. Could be that they were keeping track of it to establish a no-touching zone each month to avoid any more surprises. But, his experience was when the fucking ovulation days started being marked in the calendar – it meant you were trying. And your co-operation and participation was expected. Which seemed like a decent proposition until you realized that the sex had become pretty much just procreation and now it was part of your whole job description. It was work.
He had twinges of happiness and sadness for them both about all that. If that's what was going on. Knew that it likely meant they were feeling like they were in a good spot in their relationship and their lives. Knew it likely meant that they felt like they'd moved on enough – were far enough way – from their miscarriage that they were ready to, and wanted to, try again. Try purposely that go-around. But also knew that when you started trying again, it stirred up a whole lot of things in you. Made you relive some of what you'd gone through as a couple. That it mixed with a whole lot of anxiety and stress – which definitely didn't help with the baby-making process. Turning sex into procreation and work just generally didn't help a relationship when you got down to it. Took some aspect away from it. And, if things didn't take quickly – if you were still trying four, six, twelve months down the road – that took its toll too. A very real one. And all that stress and anxiety and frustration, it definitely didn't help with keeping the pregnancy viable if, and when, one ever did take.
And that opened up the whole other thing … that any pregnancy after a miscarriage, you spent the first trimmest, if not the whole fucking pregnancy, worrying that it was going to end in another miscarriage. And if you had another – it just broke you again in a whole new way. Each one didn't make it easier. It just made it harder. And harder and harder. It weighed on you – and your relationship – more and more.
And he knew that there were other fucking layers going on beyond their relationship and miscarriage. There was the repair efforts going on in their family. There was the loss of Justin. There was Eth getting older. And Erin into her thirties and Jay pushing into his mid-thirties. There was that look Erin got in her eyes when she spent time around H. There was the whole unresolved sibling rivalry between her and J that just ended on her little brother ending up married and with a kid before her. And then add in a smattering of fucking Bunny fucking with her head and the whole Jimmy Sanguinetti bullshit.
Then there was the whole inconvenience of it. Them not being married yet. What a pregnancy would do to their unit. But that was secondary. That was boss talk. Boss thoughts. He'd rather think about this as a father. And a grandfather. And had decided to not read too much into those dates on the calendar – and what they meant or didn't mean. And if they did mean what they might mean, he'd rather think about the possibility of another grandchild. A playmate for Henry. A piece of his girl he got to watch grow up from Day One. And a little person that he'd get to know – which would be something Camille would love. Something that would make her real happy. And, when you got down to it, that's what he wanted for all his kids. Whatever made them happy. They deserved that.
So, he took the lead and pretended he hadn't seen or hadn't noticed her stop in midstream. Knew she wouldn't exactly buy it. But it wasn't something they needed to talk about. Wasn't something that was any of his business. Wasn't something he needed to know about. Not yet. And, he'd be respectful of that.
"August might be better," he said. "Give him some time to bounce back before back-to-school."
"Yea …," Erin said, still eyeing him. Still measuring him. But then she went back to looking to her calendar. "August …"
And they'd leave it at that. Sign off on that. Because giving her that space – was part of how they were coming to a new understanding in being able to have a relationship now. For them to keep being a family. And, if there was another grandchild pending, he'd fight like hell to make sure he was part of that kid's life and part of their family. And if that meant making compromises and concessions – having some moments where he played stupid or blind like he was some sort of jag-off – he'd do it. For her.
AUTHOR NOTE: Two chapters got added the other day. The Journey and Driving Sacrifices. The reader count is really low on both, so you might want to check that you saw them both.
Your readership, comments, feedback and reviews are appreciated.