"Buffy?"

"Yeah, baby?"

"It's Valentine's Day."

"I'm aware of that."

"And normally I would say 'buy you flowers? Why? I haven't bloody cheated on you!'"

[scowl] "An example of how you're stupid."

"But since it's this bloody day and we have to make a big deal out of it, I've decided that instead of moaning I'd take you out-"

[excited] "An example of why I love you!"

"-and we can pick out a new couch."

"And you're back to stupid."

"Oh, don't be like that, luv. This is actually a well thought-out present this time."

"Oh, I'm sure it is. In fact, I can guess at your thought process right now. Shall I impress you?"

"Do you ever not?"

"Vomit. Let me see. Your thoughts went: 'bloody 'ell, gotta get a prezzie for ma bird'-"

"I'm gonna stop you right there and remind you I'm not Australian, luv."

" 'So comfy here on my couch. But wait! Present for Buffy! Wish I could make 'er pick it. So comfy... Buffy present... love ma couch... make Buffy pick present... couch... comfy'-"

"Are you about done?"

"I will be if this is really your Valentine's present. I got you a Victoria Secret covered me, Spike. Victoria Secret!"

"Really, luv, think about it. You've been moaning about the indents in this couch since we moved in here. This is a chance for you to make your day-to-day life comfier and you get to drag me along for the ride, not to mention clear out my side of the bank account. Isn't that better than a bunch of flowers that'll die in a day and a box of chocolates that'll just make your arse bi- better, even better than it is now."

"Nice save, sweetie."

"Ta, pet."

"It would be fun dragging you round the mall."

"Wouldn't it just?"

"And I'll finally be rid of that red wine stain that mysteriously appeared right after you and Giles broke out the Led Zeppelin on New Year's."

"That I maintain, I had nothing to do with!"

"Uh-huh. Okay, yeah, let's go couch buying!"

"Well, alright!"

"Ooh, and we could get a pouffe!"

"They sell Xanders in DFS?"

"It's too big."

"It's too small."

"Arms are too low."

"Uh, back's way too high."

"Don't like leather."

"Too purple."

"Too ugly... Spike, where are you going?"

"Looking for some much needed help, luv. Yes, excuse me-" [reads name-tag] "-Sarah. Do you happen to sell the Goldilocks couch?"

"I'm sorry, sir?"

"You know, the couch that was made for the most infuriatingly picky bint the world has even known?"

"I'm sorry, I don't-"

"Never mind. We'll try another store."

"What did you say to make her face all scrunchy, Spike?"

"Nothing, sweets. We'll try another place."

"Hello! Welcome to Sofa-King-Cheap and a Happy Valentine's Day to the happy couple."

"Aw, Spike, isn't that sweet? He's dressed like a fuzzy heart!"

"We're leaving."

"I'm telling you it's too soft, Spike!"

"A minute ago you said it was too hard!"

"That was the brown one!"

"This one is brown!"

"No, you idiot, this one is tan."

"What colour is tan?"

"Well... brown, but-"

"ARGH!"

"I'm just not sure."

"Why am I not surprised?"

"Watch the tone, Spikey."

[long-suffering sigh] "Okay. Why don't you like this one then?"

"Well, it's like it's... too perfect."

"What."

"It looks too perfect. I'd never relax on it. The new couch has to be homey but also pretty. This one's just pretty."

"So, we'll get that black one you said was homey."

"We can't. It's too homey."

[clenched teeth] "So, we'll get the suede one that was comfy."

"We can't. That's the kind of couch that you'll pick and love for a little while because it's unusual, but then once the newness has worn off, you'll just be left with a funny shaped couch."

[clenched teeth] "Well, why don't you pick a regular shaped couch?"

"Cause it's boring."

[clenched teeth] "Well, why don't you just get the weird shaped one and then we'll trade it for the normal one once you're over the newness?"

"But what if I get the weird one today and then it wears off by tonight?"

"Hi there! Can I help you two with anything?"

"I'll give you a fucking medal if you can, mate."

[musing] "I don't know... maybe the blue one was nicer than I thought at the time."

"What the hell does that even mean?"

"Or the white one. The white one was a lot nicer than I gave it credit for."

"You said it was too white."

"...you're right, it was too white."

"Oh god."

"I'm sorry, but I just don't know!"

"How can you not know what you want!? It's just a bleedin' seat to watch telly on, Buffy!"

"Well, of course you would think that! You used to scrounge your furniture from the town dump!"

"I seem to recall you likin' that chair, Slayer! Or have you forgotten you almost broke my back in it one night?"

"Don't remind me."

"Oh really? Well, fine-"

"Oh Spike, don't, come on. I'm sorry, okay? I just - I don't know which to pick. Can't you help me?"

[immediate] "That one."

[confused] "What one? You're just pointing at the wall, Spike."

"Because I don't care! I couldn't give a rat's arse, okay? I just want you to choose one so I can sit in it."

"Okay, god! Give me a minute... okay, okay. I might have decided on one. Maybe."

"Thank the powers. Which one is it?"

[bites lip]

[sigh] "Just tell me what one you want, Buffy."

"You won't get mad?"

"I won't get mad."

"You swear?"

"I swear."

"I think I want the brown one."

"The one that was too hard? That was two stores ago!"

"No, not that one."

"Oh, thank god! Cause if you'd dragged me into one more store today-"

"I meant the one before that."

[silence]

[clenched teeth] "The one in the first store we visited today?"

[small voice] "Uh-huh."

"Oh, I'd forgotten all about this one!"

"JUST PICK ONE, YOU STUPID BINT!"

"Fine!" [right hook]

"Excuse me, sales-lady! We'll take this one-" [points to couch] "-and whichever piece of furniture my boyfriend's bleeding on."

"So, you like it then?"

"I love it, baby, thank you."

"My pleasure, sweets. It is comfy, isn't it?"

"It's perfect. When it arrives, I might just live on it for a week."

"Good. What are we gonna do with the blood-buy?"

"We'll give it to Andrew. His birthday's coming up anyway."

"What about the part where it's covered in my blood?"

"We can tell him it's the fashion these days."

"He's a geek, luv, he's not an idiot."

[silence]

"Okay, he's an idiot, but he's not stupid."

[silence]

"Okay, fine, but he knows what blood looks like!"

"Fine, then we'll tell him the truth. Besides, a footstool that he can clone his own Spike from? He'll probably squee us to death."