Chapter Ten: Protection

Carth pounded on the door, but Revan paid it no attention. She sat on her bed in the dark, hugging her knees, her forehead resting on her kneecaps. Tears streamed down her face as she pondered every possible 'what if' for the remainder of the journey and the mission. What if Malak tried to turn her to the dark side? What if he was successful? What if more memories came back and she turned to the dark side on her own? What if no one was there to stop her or no one could stop her? What if she was on her own?

Revan could smell Carth on the sweater she was wearing. He'd worn that sweater whenever they were on board the Ebon Hawk, and she was fairly certain he hadn't washed it since Dantooine.

Carth. Force, she didn't want to hurt him. She didn't want him to find out what she had dreamed the way he had. And then Canderous…

Revan lifted the collar of Carth's sweater up to her nose. She really made a mess of things this time. The door to her quarters slid open, but she ignored it. She heard some yelling coming from the hall—Canderous and Mission, it sounded like—and tried not to listen. Revan felt anger and frustration fill the room and heard the door close, drowning out Canderous and Mission's argument. She braced herself for screaming and yelling. Then she felt the anger… go away…

Revan felt an arm gently rest across her shoulders. She immediately caved and leaned into a sideways embrace, then winced as the overhead light turned on. She felt Carth's arms wrap around her tightly. "Talk to me, Rev," he softly said.

"What's there to say?" she whispered.

Carth ran the palm of his hand up and down her spine. "All right, I'll go first," he said. "I'm not angry or mad or upset that… over you and Malak." He paused. "It… It doesn't surprise me."

Revan sniffed. "It doesn't surprise me, either." She wiped away her tears. "I don't know why… why I acted—"

"Yes, you do," he said. "You know exactly why. You said so yourself. You said that if I knew I'd never speak to you again."

"And?"

"I'm talking to you, aren't I?" he smiled. "I'm not mad, Beautiful. That's who you were then. This is who you are now."

"So, it's okay—"

"I never said it was okay," he corrected. "I said I wasn't mad."

"I don't—"

"It's not okay because this means that the mission just got a lot harder," he said. "And I know you know that." Revan nodded. "Maybe it would be easier if you didn't know, if it never happened, I'm not sure. But you can't pretend it didn't happen; we can't ignore it."

"All… All I can see when I close my eyes… is him…"

"I can't help with that," Carth said, his voice filled with sorrow.

"I know. I know you can't make him go away. But… you can help me forget."

Carth kissed her forehead. "Talk to Jolee—"

"I need you," she whispered. "You… you have no idea."

"I'm here for you," Carth said. "I'll always be here for you. But I can't always give you the help you need. This vision stuff is out of my league, Revan."

"I can't control these memories," she whispered.

"I know."

"I don't want to hurt you," Revan continued. "I don't want anything I remember to hurt you."

"It won't. You won't."

Revan blinked her bright eyes, releasing more tears. "You told me you wanted nothing more than to put a blaster to Revan's head."

Carth winced. "I know I said that. That… that was different. It, it wasn't so personal then. I, I can see you've changed. You know you've changed. Even the droids know. I don't know how many times I have to tell you."

"Keep reminding me," she whispered. "I don't want to fall again. I don't want to be Darth Revan again. I've only seen a couple memories and it's too much…"

"You won't slip, Revan," Carth assured. "You won't fall. We won't let you."

"But if I do—"

"I'll be here to catch you."

"What if you don't?" she asked. "What if you try, but I still fall? What if you're not there at all?"

"Don't think like that," Carth quickly said. "That's not going to happen."

"What about the darkness you said was there inside me?"

Carth stroked her hair. "You're not going to fall. I'll be there. I'll keep you from going back to the dark side. If you ever find yourself falling, slipping, giving in to a temptation, turn to me, think of me, think of the promise I made to protect you, to give you a future with me. Think of anything like that, anything to help you stay on the path you're on now, to stay the person you are now."

Revan said nothing.

"How about this? How about you and I get some sleep?" Carth suggested. "It's… it's been a busy night, and I, for one, am exhausted. And cold."

"Cold?"

"Someone stole my sweater."

Revan cracked a small smile. "Sorry," she whispered.

Carth kissed her forehead again. "C'mon. Lay down and let's get some rest."

Revan took off Carth's sweater, then lay down underneath the blankets while Carth turned off the lights. He then lay down and pulled her into an embrace. "Get some sleep," he whispered.

Revan pillowed her head on Carth's shoulder, resting her hand across his chest. "Tomorrow… tomorrow I want to start… training for the Star Forge," she whispered. "I… I want to be prepared for… for anything."

"You want me to help you?" Carth asked, bring his hand up to his chest to cover hers.

"I… I was going to ask Canderous," she said. "But, if… if you want to help, too, I… I mean—"

"It's okay, Beautiful," Carth chuckled. "I'm not jealous." He gave her a reassuring squeeze.

"Maybe…" Revan's voice trailed off.

"Maybe what?" Carth asked.

She shook her head. "Nothing… It… It's nothing."

"Revan…"

Revan winced at his no-nonsense tone and the emotions he was broadcasting. "I… I just…" She sighed. "You're right that, that battling Malak is… is going to be a lot harder now than we, we thought. I just was thinking that maybe… maybe you should help, too. If I could fight you, then… then maybe I stand a chance against him."

Carth's brow wrinkled. "I don't understand the comparison."

"It's stupid," she whispered. "I shouldn't've said anything…"

"Tell me."

Revan sighed. She closed her eyes tight. "I… obviously once cared… very deeply for Malak," she forced out. "And he… for me. If the roles were reversed, I'd try to use that to my advantage."

"Psychological, huh?" Carth asked. "If you could fight me, you could fight him."

Revan tried to pull away. "It's… stupid. I shouldn't've—"

Carth held her so she couldn't move. "So how long have you been carrying this torch for me?"

Revan's face flushed.

"It's my muscles that did it, right?" Carth asked. "Minute you saw me without a shirt, there was no turning back?"

Revan tried to muffle a giggle, but it didn't work.

"Nice to hear you laughing again," Carth whispered.

Revan sat up slightly and kissed him. "Thank you, flyboy," she whispered. "I…" I love you. "I don't deserve you."

Carth held her tight. "Get some sleep, Beautiful, for tomorrow we battle."

"Again."

"More."

Revan smiled. She settled back down in his arms, resting her head on his shoulder again. I love you, flyboy.

As Revan drifted off to sleep she thought of Carth. She loved him… maybe as much as she once loved Malak. She hoped that no matter what happened on the Star Forge that Carth wasn't harmed, that Malak didn't somehow find out…