Red In The Silver Lining

[RITSL]: Part 9

"There is something weighing on your mind, Raphael."

It wasn't a question. Splinter was studying his third son carefully as they knelt across from each other in the rat's room. The golden-eyed mutant looked up at his father for a moment then let his gaze fall back to the dainty teacup set on the table before him. His foremost thought at present was his wondering why Splinter had bothered pouring him tea when it was a well known fact that he hated the damn stuff. He supposed that the ninja master just did it out of polite habit. Reaching for the cup, Raph had to be careful not to crush the delicate china in his large hand.

"Not really," he lied and lifted the cup to his lips from an excuse to hide his face.

"Perhaps you would like to share it with me," Splinter suggested as if his son had answered in the affirmative. He likewise took a sip of tea while waiting for a response. When none came, he gently prodded again. "It may put your mind at ease."

Sighing, Raph put his cup down and rubbed at the bridge of his nose. His old self would have balked at his father's prying and he, more likely than not, would have insisted loudly that nothing was wrong before storming out of the room in a huff. Since his role in the Hamato clan had changed, Raph had gradually discovered through extensive hours of one-on-one time that his father was someone to open up to and vent the thoughts he usually kept bottled inside. Many a pleasant conversation had passed between the rat and the hothead in spite of the family's predicament – so pleasant that Raph had lamented his choice to not seek out his father more often during the frustrations of his teenage years. Now he hesitated only because he was afraid of the answer that might come.

"Ya think I'm getting everything I deserve?" Raph finally blurted. "With the way Mikey's been acting?"

The rat cocked his head, puzzled by the questions. "I'm not quite sure I understand what you mean, my son. Perhaps you could explain further?"

"I mean…" Raph paused, contemplating his choice of words. "…all the years that Leo was in charge…I gave him trouble at every turn. Hardly a day went by that I wasn't arguing with him, throwing a punch at him, or flat out disobeying him all 'cause I thought that he was too uptight and that I knew better than him. Now Mikey's doing the same stuff ta me and…and all I can think is…it serves me right for the way I treated Leo. Karma, right?"

Splinter tugged on his beard thoughtfully as he studied the new clan leader. "It is surprising that you mention karma. I was under the impression that you did not believe in such a concept."

"I didn't think I did," the hothead replied. "But I can't think of any other reason why all this sh-…" He caught himself before he finished the curse. "…stuff…happened except fer karma. It feels like all the bad stuff I ever did in my life finally caught up ta me. What don't make sense is that Leo was the one who got hurt 'stead of me. Leo's done nothing but good in his life. He don't deserve ta suffer."

"None of my children deserve to suffer," Splinter corrected with emphasis. "And while I do wish deeply that Leonardo had not been injured, I would never have you or your other brothers take his place." Noticing the doubtful eye with which Raph looked at him, he bowed his head and sighed. "I'm afraid I have ingrained you with a strong belief that I have favored Leonardo from amongst the four of you. For that, I sincerely apologize." He circled the rim of his teacup with a finger. "It is only now that I realize how unfair my attention to your brother must have seemed. My sole excuse is that I needed to invest ample time into molding and mentoring a worthy leader for this clan – a process I must repeat with you."

Raphael was silent, uncertain whether or not he should say anything. He swilled the contents of his cup and watched the tea slosh around. Several quiet minutes passed between them, each lost to their own thoughts.

"Might I offer a counterargument to you bad karma theory?" Splinter suddenly questioned, glancing across the table at his second youngest.

The large turtle shrugged. "Go for it."

"I believe that what you consider to be karma is simply you becoming aware of your past transgressions," Splinter stated. "You did not believe that you were wrong to act the way you did back then, but now you realize that such conduct was inappropriate because you have witnessed Michelangelo do the same things."

"I…guess that makes sense…" Raph replied slowly, scratching at an itch on his arm. "…but…"

"But?"

"…well…it's like I said...it still feels like payback."

"You are feeling guilty," the ninja master informed him and took a sip of tea. "It is a rather unpleasant emotion that has a tendency to afflict us when we are reminded of the things we have or have not done. Often it fills us with regret and makes us think that we are deserving of punishment."

"How do ya stop feeling guilty?" Raphael asked quietly.

"Make amends if needed," Splinter answered while refilling the cup his son had just emptied. "Learn from your behavior, accept that you were wrong, forgive yourself, and then move on."

The sai-wielder tried not to grimace at the prospect of forcing down more tea. "Easier said than done."

"It can be a difficult process if you make it so," his father responded. "But you have already started it. You have admitted to your mistakes and you have learned from them…"

"So ya saying I need ta make amends with Leo?" Raph interrupted with an assumption.

"Did you not make amends with your brother whenever the two of you were at odds in the past?" Splinter questioned in return, topping off his beverage. "Whether through my insistence or by your own accord?"

"…well…yeah…"

"Then what apology is needed?"

Raph stared into the depths of his tea, wracking his brain for an answer yet none came. He gnawed at his lip as silence settled in the cozy room once again. After a period of patient waiting, the rat continued.

"You are at the point where you must forgive yourself and move on. Do not dwell on what you could have done differently in the past. Focus on what you need to do in the present."

The red-masked ninja ran a hand over his face, trying to wipe away the exhaustion of a sleepless night. "I know I need ta deal with Mikey, but…every time I look at him all I wanna do is whack him upside the head…"

The tiniest of smiles graced Splinter's lips. "Certainly, there's a better alternative."

"Yeah, I just need ta figure out what that is."

"Tell me, Raphael. Why were you always so frustrated with your brother's authority?"

Caught off guard by the question, Raph blinked slowly a few times. "…I guess it was because we had a different way of looking at things and he always acted like his way was the right way no matter what."

"Would you say that the majority of your fights were started because you both had a different point of view?"

"Probably."

"And when you fought with Leonardo, what is it that you wish he would have done?"

"…I wish…that he would have just listened ta me…let me tell him my side of things instead of talking over me…dismissing me...or ordering me ta do whatever he said without question…"

"Given what we have just discussed, do you still feel that you cannot figure out how to approach Michelangelo?" Splinter questioned, quirking a furry eyebrow.

Understanding his father's subtle advice, Raph shook his head. "No, I think I got an idea 'bout how ta do it now."

The ninja master beamed. "Good." With his teacup lifted halfway to his mouth, he paused and lifted a cautionary finger. "Though I highly suggest you wait a while before you approach him. He is due here next hour to further explain his actions last night and will most likely be in a foul mood when I am through with him."

Raphael chuckled lightly at that, knowing all too well what a lecture from Splinter could do to a person's temperament. "Thanks for the warning, Sensei."

Splinter inclined his head in acknowledgement and set his cup down. "Now that we have addressed the issue with Michelangelo, let us discuss what you plan to do about The Foot Clan."

"What?" Raph asked, dumbstruck.

"The Foot Clan," Splinter repeated. "Surely, you do not mean to ignore them."

"…I thought that ya wanted me ta ignore them? I mean, ya told us not ta go messing with anybody when ya let us go out last night."

"Yes, I did," the rat acquiesced. "But having heard your account of what happened, I no longer feel like we should turn a blind eye to their activities."

"Well, hell, I don't have a shittin' clue," Raph said and then mentally berated himself for cursing. He had been trying to rectify that bad habit especially in front of his father.

Overlooking the slip-up, Splinter thought of a means to boost the rookie's confidence. "Raphael, do you know why I chose you as a replacement for the leader of this clan?"

"Desperation?" the hothead suggested half-jokingly.

"No, my son," Splinter denied. He tapped a finger to his temple. "I chose you because you can think. You know how to strategize. You know how to plan an attack and implement it successfully."

"Donnie and Mikey can do that, too," Raph muttered.

"Michelangelo lacks both the ambition and the focus to lead others," his father argued. "And Donatello is would not be content to limit himself to the role of leader when his intelligence allows him to fulfill that of doctor, scientist, engineer, and so forth." Splinter pointed at the student sitting across from him. "You have the ambition, you have the focus, and you are intelligent. Your only fault is your hair-trigger temper." Reaching out, he laid his hand over Raph's. "I have been watching you strive to bring your temper under control. If you can do that then you will be a great leader. I have faith that you will succeed."

Raphael's cheeks reddened at the praise. "…uh…t-thanks, Sensei…"

Smiling, Splinter patted his son's hand and withdrew his own. He knew that Raph had been stressed enough about taking his brothers topside for a simple training run. No doubt the announcement that he must also contend with The Foot Clan would further tax the tough turtle's sanity. Not wanting to overwhelm his son too much, Splinter decided to cut him some slack.

"Take some time to think about what should be done," he told Raph. "We can speak more about it later."

"Yes, Sensei," Raph sai, a small sense of relief washing over him.

"Perhaps Donatello has some theories as to what The Foot were attempting," Splinter mused, dropping a hint for his son. "He has kept excellent notes on their prior activities and is often attempting to gain information on their current or future operations."

"Yeah, I'll go pick his brain a little later."

"Another good source would be Leonardo."

Splinter made the statement cautiously, watching Raph carefully to catch his reaction. Raph's head snapped up in alarm. A second later, his features became deeply saddened. The expression made Splinter's heart feel heavy.

"You two are still not speaking?"

"Not fer a lack of trying on my part," Raph protested bitterly. "Every time I open my mouth, he always finds some excuse ta turn away from me." A lump formed in his throat and he swallowed hard to overcome it. "Damn, but I wish I knew how ta get him ta stop hating me."

"Leonardo does not hate you," Splinter insisted quietly. "He is frustrated and taking it out on you."

"He has every right ta be frustrated."

"Have patience for him, not pity," the old rodent advised and polished off his second cup of tea. "He will come around eventually."

"Yeah, I hope that happens sooner rather than later."

"As do I."

Raphael drummed the tabletop with his fingers. He could no longer subject himself to torturous act of sipping brewed plant teas. Pushing the cup aside, he looked at his father and tried to mentally convey his desire to leave.

"Is there anything else you wish to discuss with me at the moment, Raphael?" Splinter inquired, picking up on his son's cues.

"No, Sensei."

"Then you are free to go."

Raph's sang inwardly with joy. Not neglecting his manners, he bowed to his father.

"Thanks fer yer time, Sensei," he said and then added as an afterthought."And the tea."

"You are welcome."

Standing, Raphael ignored the numbness in his legs as he hurried across the room. Splinter kept his eyes on his son until the large turtle had disappeared behind a closing door. With a deep sigh, he got to his feet and began to tidy his room, making a mental note to add Leonardo to the list of students who needed a serious talking to.