Chapter 10

Family Meeting

Outside the Sunset Arms

-ARNOLD-

We hadn't been able to talk on the bus ride back from the park, mostly because the bus had been so crowded and noisy that even if one of us had said something, the other wouldn't have heard it. About a half-hour of experiencing the life of a sardine later, we managed to extract ourselves from the vehicle and arrived back at my house.

'Wait out here," I said. "I'm gonna go talk to Grandpa."

"That's cool," she said. "Again, this is really above and beyond the line of duty, considering, y'know, we barely know each other."

"Well, now we'll have a chance to get to know each other better. That's good, right?" Although… on some level, I felt like I knew her already. Somehow.

Was this what it felt like when you met The One? The feeling that you were meeting someone you had known all your life for the first time?

Was this what love at first sight was like?

I found Grandpa in the living room thumbing through the paper. "Evenin', Short Man. Back from a fun and fancy-free outing with all your schoolyard chums, each a fascinating and unique individual with a multilayered personality."

"Yeah, about that… I have this friend who got locked out of their house, so I sorta said I'd ask if you could let them have a spare room for tonight…"

"Sleepover, eh? I don't see why you couldn't let let 'Im sleep in your room…"

"Well, uh, that's the thing… it's… ah… it's a girl."

Grandpa perked. "Oooh, a girl, eh? I knew this day was coming. You know, your pop was quite the ladies' man in his day. I knew someday you'd be following in his footsteps."

"Grandpa…" I protested, "Look, could you please not be weird about this? And, uh… could you let everyone else know not to be weird about this?"

"I dunno, Short Man… asking this crowd to not be weird is a tall order. It's like training a porcupine to make balloon animals. Doesn't matter how much effort you put in, it ain't hapenin'."

"Just… I don't want anyone making a big deal out of this, okay?" I pleaded.

"Mmm-hmm… so, you don't have any kind of interest in this girl at all?"

"Uh…" I felt myself blushing.

"Arnold, let me tell you about the first time I ever brought a girl over to my house. I was so worried my family would make a big deal out of everything and embarrass the heck out of me. I tried every excuse I could to get out of it, but not a one of them worked. In the end, I finally gave up and decided to get it over with."

"And, let me guess. In the end, it turned out that you were worried over nothing and all your fear was just you psyching yourself up over all the terrible things that could happen, but none of them ever did."

"Are you kiddin'? It was the most mortifying experience of my young life! I was so embarrassed I wanted to crawl into the sewer and die! Of course, the girl never spoke to me again. And of course she told all her friends about it, so I didn't have another date 'til I was fifteen. Yep, I was socially ruined for years. Heh heh heh… wait, that's a terrible story. Why am I telling it?"

"You were trying to tell me why I shouldn't be anxious about tonight." I said, rolling my eyes.

"Oh yeah. I'm really bad at this, aren't I Arnold. Oh well, the point, which I have just decided on right now, is it was terrible for me, but maybe it won't be for you."

"I guess. I mean… I suppose there's no way it could be that bad…"

*CRASH*

"JUST SIGN THE DAMN PAPERS, OSKAR!"

"Oh, did I mention that Suzie's here?" Grandpa explained.

I groaned inwardly. Was it possible for a ten-year-old to get an ulcer?

"Okay," I said, letting Trudy in, "Let me just warn you in advance. Things in here can get a bit… eccentric. If you ever feel the urge to run away screaming, I understand."

"So what you're saying is anything can happen?"

"That's about the size of it, yeah."

"Sounds fun to me," she replied, grinning. "Normal people are boring anyway."

"Well, you won't find a lot of those here, so we should be fine."

I led her into the living room, the first stop on the magical mystery tour that was the Sunset Arms. "Grandpa, I'd like you to meet Trudy Schwartzman. Trudy… this is my Grandpa."

Grandpa looked her over. "…really? Her?" he asked, confused.

"What's wrong?" I asked?

"Well, I was expecting… I assumed… you know what, it isn't important. Welcome to the Sunset Arms, Trudy, where we pride ourselves on keeping everything in perfect condition!" As if to mock him, a piece of plaster fell off the ceiling right between the two of them. "Starting right now," he added. "Now if you'll join me, I'll give you a proper tour. First off, this is the living room, with all the amenities, including places to sit, a coffee table, a TV, and DVR… well, we'll have that once I find out what it is.

He led us into the next room. "This here's our communal dining room. Dinner's at 6PM sharp. The house specialty is 'whatever Pookie's in the mood to make.' Hope you like surprises. Mostly unpleasant ones," he added under his breath.

"Avast there!" an elderly voice shouted. Grandma stomped into the room dressed in a pirate outfit complete with fake peg leg and what I assumed was a stuffed parrot (though I'd been fooled before), brandishing what I hoped was a prop cutlass. "It appears we have a stowaway."

"Grandma," I began, hoping to defuse the situation. I personally loved Grandma's antics, but they tended to be very off-putting to those that didn't know her.

"That's Captain Keelhaul to you, cabin boy," she corrected. Eyeing Trudy suspiciously "Now… who be this lubber."

Trudy drew herself up to her full height, looking grandma directly in the eyes (or rather, eye, seeing as one was hidden behind a patch), and replied confidently "I be no lubber, Cap'n. You be speaking to none other than the Crimson Wing, scourge of the Spanish Main."

"Good grief, there's two of 'em now," muttered Grandpa.

Grandma's lips slowly formed into a grin, happy to finally have found someone willing to actually play along. "Aye, I've heard tell of this Crimson Wing… but how do I know ye be she?"

"Perhaps a test of steel," Trudy suggested mischievously, grabbing an errant soup ladle by the bowl, brandishing its handle as her blade. "Unless the fearsome Cap'n Keelhaul be lily-livered at heart."

"A pirate's duel it is, then! Have at it, ya scurvy scalawag!"

The two launched at each other, "blades" clashing noisily.

"Ye fight like a dairy farmer, Crimson Wing," cackled Grandma.

"How appropriate, for ye fight like a cow!" retorted Trudy.

"Well, I guess this is happening now, Short Man," Grandpa observed, resigned that shenanigans would be going on for the foreseeable future. His stomach rumbled. "Just as well, seeing as I'll be in my office taking care of urgent business. Finish up the tour for me, and try to keep those two from destroying any more of the house."

"Okay, Grandpa," I said, watching the chaos unfold.

"People fall at my feet when they see me coming!" declared Trudy with bravado, as she parried Grandma's thrust.

"Must be because they smell your breath," Grandma shot back, dodging one of Trudy's.

Well, at least they're having fun, I thought to myself as I caught a vase Grandma knocked over. It had been kind of a surprise. Most friends I brought over were tolerant of Grandma's roleplaying at the maximum; at the worst, they found it unnerving and asked to leave early. In contrast, Trudy had been fully on board from the word go and played along whole-heartedly.

The fight ranged from the dining room through the kitchen and back into the living room while I tried my best to right everything they knocked over and protect anything breakable. Finally, while attempting to back away from one of Grandma's advances, Trudy tripped over an ottoman and found herself lying on her back, Grandma's cutlass at her chest.

"Ar, the battle be yours, Captain," she conceded. "Do with me as ye will."

"Aye, I'd sooner scuttle me own ship than do away with a fine swabbie like ye." She offered her fake hook-hand to Trudy, helping her back to her feet. "Well," she said, breaking character, "that was invigorating, but I'd better get back to the 'galley'. I'll take that 'sword' back if you don't mind, I need it for the soup. Remember, dinner's at six bells!" The old woman exited, a spring I her step.

"That was really nice of you," I said.

"What was?"

"Playing along with her like that. You didn't have to. I know she can be kind of… a lot, but I bet she really appreciated having someone to play off of for once."

"Dude, you've got it all wrong. I played along because it was fun. Gr- your grandma's awesome."

"Not everyone thinks so. A lot of people just think she's crazy."

"Then they're idiots. So… are you gonna give me the rest of that tour now?"

-TRUDY-

He spent the next… I don't know how long, really… showing me around the house. The bathroom, laundry room, phone nook with its ancient land line, the back yard with its greenhouse, and the rooftop.

"Cool," I said. "This place is huge! You've got a whole greenhouse and a piano up here and everything."

"Yeah, funny story… it was supposed to go in the living room but we couldn't get it through the door, so we just had it hoisted up here, and that's where it's been ever since."

"So, which of you plays?" I asked, more to make conversation than anything.

"Grandma, mostly, but I can play a little bit." He sat down at the keyboard and started to play. The melody was familiar; it was something my dad sang me whenever I was feeling at my lowest.

When life gets you down, wearing a frown
Don't look away, look up
'Cause memories true, come out of the blue
You know the way, look up

I found myself humming the tune out of habit, and just caught myself from singing along to the music. Explaining just how I knew the lyrics to a song that supposedly only he and Great-Grandma knew would've been impossible.

"It's really catchy," I said, sitting down next to him on the piano bench.

"I know, right? My grandma sang it to me one time when I had a really bad day where just about everything that could go wrong did. Now, whenever I'm feeling down, I hum it to myself and, well… sometimes it helps."

"Sometimes?"

"Not always. I have these days when… well…" A cloud briefly rolled over his eyes. "It's really not anything you should be worried about. You barely know me."

I've known you all my life, I wanted to say, but it wasn't true. I knew the Arnold Shortman he grew up to be, not the one he is now. Still growing, still forming as a person. "You can tell me whatever you want to about yourself, or not. Whatever makes you comfortable."

"Maybe a little later. Do you play anything?"

"Not really. My mom's friend Lila taught me a few guitar chords when I was younger, but I never really practice or anything."

Dad cocked his head to the side. "Your mom's friend's name is Lila? That's an odd coincidence. I know a Lila."

Ugh, another slip-up. Of course he knew a Lila. It was the same Lila I knew. Of course, back then she was just Lila Sawyer, not the punk-folk superstar known only by her first name she was in my time. Gotta be more careful, "Schwartzman". "Well, you know, odds are two people are gonna have the last name."

"That's true. I know like, five Roberts," he agreed.

"See? Total coincidence."

"I mean… Trudy's just short for Gertrude, isn't it? So you basically have the same name as my grandma."

"Really?" I said, feigning surprise. "How about that. Talk about coincidence, am I right? Dial it back, Trudy, dial it back…

He checked his watch. "Almost six," he said. "We should probably be getting back downstairs for dinner."

We left the roof and made our way back down to the second floor, but this time our path was blocked by two individuals, a bearded, balding man in a shabby suit and a slim, frazzled-looking woman with tangled blond curls.

"…look, Oskar, I don't know how to explain it any simpler. I am not coming back, and that's final," the woman shouted in an exasperated voice

"But Suzie, I can change, see? Look, I am holding the door for you! I am putting your needs first because they are so much more important than my own! Eh-heh-heh-heh-heh!"

Suzie rolled her eyes. "See this is what you do. You make this big show of changing, that this time, you're going to become a better person, this time you're going to start thinking of me, this time everything's going to be better, and for a while, it worked, because I wanted to believe you."

"See, that's good! You want to believe!"

"Sooner or later, belief just isn't enough. I need something solid, and I'm never going to get that with you."

"Sure you are, just give me a chance," Oskar pleaded.

Suzie heaved a sigh. "This was the chance, Oskar. Lana wanted to come with me, but I wanted to give you a chance to sign the papers on your own without getting lawyers involved. Now I see I should've taken her advice."

"Eh, I don't like her, she is a very strange lady. I think she had a crush on Arnold. That's not right."

"That's crazy talk, Oskar. You're just making excuses again. Now, if you're not going to sign the divorce papers, I'm leaving, and when I come back the gloves come off." She turned to leave, noticing us for the first time. "Oh… Arnold." She rubbed the nape of her neck nervously. "You weren't really supposed to see any of that, you know."

"It's okay. I kind of guessed what was going on when you moved out suddenly."

"Well… sorry it was under these circumstances, but it really is nice to see you again. So… who's this?"

"Oh, uh… this is Trudy Schwartzman."

"I see. New friend?"

"Well… maybe…" he said. "She kinda got absorbed into our group at Dino Land today by circumstance, and later it turned out she got herself locked out of her house while her parents were away, so I told her she could stay over with us tonight."

"Wow, isn't that nice of you! So thoughtful and considerate," she said, punctuating her sentence with pointed glances at Oskar.

"Is there something in my teeth?" he asked cluelessly.

"Ugh… you'll just never get it, will you. And yes, there is." She turned back to the two of us as Oskar picked his teeth. "Anyway, sorry to drop all this drama in your laps. Have a good evening, and Trudy? Good luck. Don't make the same mistakes I did."

"Good luck with what?" I asked. Everyone had been giving me strange looks. What was up with these people?

Dinner was a chaotic affair. Dad had told me about this sort of thing, but even the most vivid stories couldn't prepare me for the reality.

"Eat up, me hearties, for tomorrow, we set sail for the treasure of No-Eyed Roger! That treasure be so well-hidden, even he didn't know where it was! He had no eyes, you know." With that, Great-Grandma, still in her pirate guise, slammed a casserole of what looked like random ingredients… possibly clams, maybe corn, what could be cheese and avocado…

"I thought this was going to be soup," Dad commented.

"Expect the unexpected," Great-Grandma replied cryptically, winking at me (though it was hard to tell with the eyepatch.

"Fine by me!" Oskar said, lunging for the food.

"Hey!" a short, balding man with a large nose and suspenders interrupted, shoving Oskar's hand away. "We got a guest here, show a little common courtesy, ya mook!"

"Yes!" added a middle-aged Asian man with a mustache, glasses and a thick accent. "You are… very rude person. You need to learn manners!"

Ernie Potts and Tranh Hyunh. In my day, Mr. Potts owned the junkyard where Akiko and I did our training, and Mr. Hyunh was head chef at Chez Paris, having taken the formerly staid bistro down the path of Southeast-Asian fusion. Two more people I had to pretend I didn't already know.

"It's fine," I said. "Honestly, I'd rather he go first. If he eats it and doesn't die, we'll know it's safe."

Ernie chuckled. "I like this one, Arnold. Much better than that redhead. Nice kid but she was so sweet she gave me cavities."

Dad blushed. "I-it's not like that…"

"Of course it is, he is a very charming boy, and very generous in case a friend might need a loan, eh heh heh heh," added Oskar.

Criminy, was that it? Did they think he and I… ugh, the idea was too gross to even think about! One, he's my dad, two, he's… my dad, three, he's my dad… and so on, and so on, and maybe around 973, there's the fact that he's a boy, and 974 we go right back to "he's my dad"… I had to nip this in the bud.

"Leave him alone," I said. "We have no interest in each other! He's just doing me a favor because he's a really nice guy. Okay? So can we all please drop any talk about that sort of thing?"

There was a long pause, finally broken by Great-Grandpa. "Well, I always like a side of awkwardness with my dinner." That got a chuckle out of me. Great Gramps really was every bit as funny as dad said he was. "Thank you, I'm here all week."

Dinner continued in its cacophonous manner, and I don't know if it was because I actually liked the food or I was just really hungry because I wound up having three helpings of Mystery Pirate Casserole or whatever it was supposed to be. Conversation continued and thankfully, never returned to whether my dad and I were an item…. *shudder*

I was half-listening to an argument over whether Mickey Kaline Sr. or Jr. was the better hitter when I became aware of something brushing against my leg. I looked down at the small pig sniffing at my ankles curiously. "Oh, hey," I said. "You must be Abner." The little porker grunted in recognition of the sound of his name, and looked at me as if trying to place me.

"You know, I don't remember telling you about Abner," Dad said. Ohhh, crap, that's right.

"Oh, uh, Nadine and I were talking about our weird pets and she mentioned yours," I lied.

"Yeah, I guess that makes sense," dad replied.

"I'll say this," I added, giving Abner a scratch behind the ears, "you're no giant lizard, but you're definitely cute." The pig, who had been a bit hesitant to that point, oinked in recognition of my compliment and gave me a nuzzle. "Is he usually this affectionate with strangers?"

"Yeah, but not this quickly," Arnold remarked. "He must really like you."

Or he senses my relation to his master, I thought. It's unlikely, but animals always seem to know more than they should. "Well, I've always been pretty good with animals," I explained.

Dinner ended, and after I helped Arnold with the dishes (he'd told me there was no reason I had to but I insisted, given that I was staying and eating for free), Arnold asked whether I wanted to do anything else.

"I think you've wasted enough time on me, today. Besides, you probably have homework, right?"

Arnold slapped his forehead. "That's right! It's been such a crazy day that I almost forgot! Sorry to leave you like this."

"No, it's fine. Just show me which room I'll be in and I'll be out of your hair anyway. I've never met this many new people in one day and I kinda need to decompress, you know?"

I needed more than that. I was already beginning to feel the telltale tingle that reminded me that my body needed to revert back to its natural form. I could put it off for a little while longer, but after about an hour, the tingle would turn to pain, and then the pain would become more intense until the point where I couldn't bear it any longer and would be forced to revert no matter where I was or who I was with. And the longer I put off reverting, the longer I'd be forced to stay in my natural form to recover.

"Sure," dad said, handing over a set of keys. "I think Grandpa had you in Mr. Purdy's old room. He got kicked out for keeping chickens, so it too a while to get the smell out of the room, but I think we finally got it completely aired out."

"All I need is a bed and privacy and I'm set."

"You sure you'll be all right?"

"I'll be fine, dude, You go do your homework."

"Okay," he answered, not entirely convinced but resigned that I had made my choice. "If you need the WiFi password, it's 'raspberries'."

"Thanks, Arnold," I said. "I was just about to ask that." Well, that was something, at least. If I couldn't get 7G in this era, at least I had what passes for this decade's Internet to keep me company.

The tingling was starting to get more pronounced now, so I figured now was as good a time as any; if I did it early enough, I'd only have to "recharge" about an hour or so before I could switch back to human.

I ducked into Room 9 and closed and locked the door tightly behind me. Wouldn't do to have anyone interrupt me in the middle of changing. I undid the small, hidden flaps in my shirt and pants and allowed my body to shift back to (ab)normal, flexing my added limbs after they formed to shake off the stiffness.

Once done, I looked around my new domain It was one of the smaller units, only a single room with a Murphy bed, a small dresser, and a coffee table with a couple of old chairs that only needed slight upholstering. Not the Ritz, but it'd do, for tonight anyway. Tomorrow would be worried about tomorrow.

Meanwhile…

In a storage unit near the docks, Nick Vermicelli nervously hummed Il Trovatore to himself, awaiting word from his anonymous contact. It had been hours since he'd started following the Pataki girl, and Nick was beginning to think the guy had chickened out or developed a sudden pang of conscience. Conscience pangs were very inconvenient in this line of work.

There was a thump at the door. "Who's there?" he called, not bothering to get up from the discarded armchair, one of the items he'd furnished the place with.

"Is this Printhe Pathta?" a voice asked.

"Who wants to know?" he answered, suspicious. "What the hell is wrong with you, anyway? You sound like that cat from the old cartoons. The one that was always trying to catch the little yellow bird…"

"That little girl ith a maniac! It took three of uth to get her in the car!"

"Hold on a sec…" Nick rolled up the storage unit's door. "Mama leoni, what the hell happened to you?"

The guy he assumed was "Philly D" stood before him, half his face badly bruised and missing his two front teeth. His friend stood to the side, his eye swollen shut and his face scratched up, clutching a bandaged hand. "That little nutcase bit me, man! She BIT me! I gotta get a rabies shot, man!"

"Oh, knock it off you dumbass, kids ain't got rabies."

"I ain't tho thure about that…" Philly D whined. "You shoulda seen what she did to Donny Z."

Nick glanced at the third guy. "He looks fine to me. Where's the girl?"

Stiffly, and obviously in a tremendous amount of pain, Donny Z led Nick to the trunk of the run-down Chevy. It was shaking ominously.

"Open it," he demanded. As carefully as he could and from as far away as he could, Donny Z opened the trunk, then immediately jumped back, shielding his privates. Oh, so that's what she did to him…"Oh… sorry. There'll be a little extra for you for, uh, hazard pay."

"I think one of them popped," whimpered Donny.

Gagged and bound, lying in the trunk, was his old partner's daughter, Hilda or Helen or whatever. She glared up at Nick, shaking with rage. Nick smirked back down at the girl. "Hey, kid, remember me?" The girl responded with a series of what would probably be the most profane words she knew at her tender age, were her mouth unobstructed. "Whoa, whoa, watch the language. You really should behave yourself around your elders, little girl." More muffled outrage. "If I was you, I'd cooperate."

She somehow managed to spit out the gag. "F*** off, Worms***. I'm gonna make your life a living hell."

Nick sneered. "That's Vermicelli. Easy mistake, I know. Anyway, it looks like, like it or not, you're gonna be my guest for the foreseeable future. And, soon enough, your little friends will be joining me."

The girl's anger faltered. "What friends," she spat.

"The football-headed kid, and his friend with the giant hair. Once we get our hands on them, the party can begin."

"N-not that I care, but… what do you want with them, anyway? Especially that stupid football head. Not like you can get a ransom worth crap for that guy." The kid seemed a lot more uncertain right now. Probably realizing what kind of position she was in."

"Oh, this ain't about money, kid. Well… money would be nice, but I hear your dad's business is the toilet anyway. Couldn't happen to a nicer guy."

"Then what do you want?" the girl demanded.

"Payback," Nick replied, grinning. "You three ruined my life, and I wanna make you suffer."

The girl glared. "Remember the beating my dad gave you?"

"Oh, I remember alright. That's why I'm ex-pecially looking forward to getting payback in your case."

"If I ever get out of these ropes, I'll make you wish he finished the job," she finished, glaring unsettlingly.

Cheez, Nick thought. Ol' Big Bob would probably pay for me to keep that one.

A.N: Yikes, Helga is in quite a situation. Looks like she definitely didn't make it easy, though.

Penguin Lord: Well, now we've seen Trudy at the boarding house and we're not done there yet. Hope you were entertained!

J.A.M.: Helga has to let things play out how she remembers it or else things could go wrong. Of course, she could have intervened before that point, unseen… let's see how things go.

Cre8tivelyB: Helga's bad at being good when she's trying to be good, but can be very good at being good when she's not trying… ah, the paradoxes of existence. Speaking of, Trudy's so far managed not to contradict herself… the Timey-Wimey ball must be using that paradox-correcting time code from Futurama or something :) As for Prince Pasta, well, it's obvious who he is now.

Jose: That sounds like something I would've loved to see.

Wonko: Welcome aboard! Thanks for spotting that mistake. I didn't catch it.

Next: Well, probably a break. I've got a private commission I promised to work on, and I might be taking a bit of a vacation in the next week or so, so it may be a bit of time before Chapter 11 comes out. When it does, though, look forward to someone discovering Trudy's secret! Who? Let's just say the next chapter will have my oddest POV character yet!