In the Mind of a Child Chapter 10
Perspective
Right now, well it's finally time to face my fears. Gonna get the hell out of here. And create a fresher atmosphere. But the consequence is clear, there's a furnace set on high and a yearning undefined. But it's time to turn the tide, its social suicide.
-A poem by Asuka Langley Sohryu
Rei, Shinji thought as he stared, wide-eyed at the red headed girl that was kissing him. She held on tightly to his shirt and pressed herself firmly against him. Her soft scarlet hair surrounded his face and tickled his ears. He would have been lying to himself if he said he didn't expect this. As oblivious as he was he could tell that Asuka liked him. He had tried to think of what he would do if put in this situation, but he never could imagine a suitable resolution. No matter how he responded, she would end up getting hurt. Still, he hadn't expected it to be this hard. As she pulled away from the kiss and looked at him with her beautiful cobalt colored eyes he realized that it wasn't difficult because he didn't want to hurt her. It was much more selfish than that. Shinji placed a solitary hand on her soft cheek and gently pulled her lips to his. I'm so fucked up.
Shinji spent the rest of his weekend alone in his room avoiding calls from both girls and thinking about what he had done. He knew he had wronged Rei. In her vain concept of relationships she believed the promise he had made her signified that they were now a couple. If she found out what had happened between him and Asuka she would be crushed. He had cheated on her within a day of their relationship's consummation. This was doubly troubling because Rei was what Shinji classified as an innocent. He had a theory on how relationships with females were supposed to proceed. It was a game. If you were a player in this game then you had no moral problem doing whatever it took to get what you wanted from the opposite sex. The only rule was that you only played the players, not the innocents. You also accept the responsibility that eventually you would meet someone who was better at the game and you would end up getting hurt. Shinji had always thought of himself as an innocent. That is until he kissed Asuka. With that kiss he had betrayed both girls and broke the rules to his own theory. In a way he could excuse himself from being concerned with Asuka's feelings because she had most likely hurt some poor, love struck boy in the past. He had no excuse for Rei though. She had been honest and trusting with him. She had expressed her feelings and put herself in his hands.
The way Shinji saw it he had a few options. He could tell Rei what had happened and risk losing both girls. He could withhold the truth from her and have Asuka eventually blurt it out. Or he could turn his back on Rei completely and be with Asuka. He figured the noblest thing to do would be to distance himself from both girls. He doubted he had the willpower to follow through with that however.
"Good morning Shinji" Rei greeted him as he exited his front door.
She's wearing her eyeglasses again, Shinji thought. Rei always looked cute when she dressed like that. The wind brought the light scent of her perfume in his direction and he forgot if only for a moment what he had done. He weakly smiled at her and returned her greeting. Shinji figured that Rei could already tell something was wrong, being as smart as she was. She seemed to have the uncanny ability to almost read his mind and then tell him exactly what he was thinking. This morning however she simply walked beside him, occasionally glancing his way to offer a shy smile. Every time she looked at him he became more ashamed. She deserves better than me, Shinji thought.
"How was the dance?" Rei asked as she adjusted her glasses with her index finger.
"Fine" Shinji replied silently cursing himself for not hiding his attitude better.
Rei's eyes narrowed as she said, "I'm going to ask you a question even though I know the answer you're going to give me is a lie"
"Wha…I" Shinji stuttered.
"Is something wrong?" Rei asked as she stopped walking and looked directly into his eyes.
"No…I'm fine, really" Shinji replied as he averted his gaze.
"Predictable" Rei muttered as she began to walk ahead of him.
"Rei, wait up!" Shinji exclaimed as he ran to catch up with her.
At the sound of his voice she stopped walking and turned to face him. "Shinji I'm going to be perfectly honest with you in hopes that you will do the same for me" Rei said as she took his hand. "The night of the dance I was worried sick. It's not that I don't trust you, I've never trusted anyone more than I do you. I can't really explain what it was, I…I was just worried. And to compound my nervousness you are acting unusual. That only serves to even further arise my insecurities. I guess the question I really want to ask you is, do you still care for me?"
Without a moments hesitation Shinji tightly embraced her. "Of course I do Rei, like I said it was only a dance" He closed his eyes as he felt Rei wrap her slender arms around his waist.
"Thank you" She replied.
I'm manipulating her, Shinji thought. Again she is placing trust in me and I'm using it to my advantage. Shinji felt like he was going to be sick. He truly had feelings for this girl. Why then did he continue to withhold the truth from her? Every bit of affection he showed her from this point on would only serve to make the truth harder to bear. It would be easier if he told her now, rather than wait and let the lies compound on each other.
"I…could stay like this forever" Rei whispered as she tightened her grip around his waist.
This isn't fair, Shinji thought. I shouldn't even be holding her. I've betrayed her. I can't even bring myself to tell her how I feel. "Rei…"
"Yes?" She replied without loosening her grasp on him.
"I…we need to get to school" Shinji said as he backed away from her embrace. The disappointment was evident on her face as she let him go. He was relieved when she nodded and took his hand.
"Well I can't hold on to you forever" Rei replied with a smile.
Shinji had spent most of his class time staring out of the window nearest his desk. The instructor's lesson was completely lost on him He hadn't heard a word she said. Both Rei and Asuka had made several attempts to talk to him during class but he ignored them equally. He had no idea what he would say to Asuka. What would she be expecting of him now? Shinji half expected her to shout out loud that they had kissed. Rei was a completely different story; he couldn't take any more of her heartfelt innocence. He wasn't worthy of it, it made him sick every time she smiled at him. This proved to him just how vile he was. The more Shinji thought about it, the less he wanted to be forgiven, as if the pain he would feel at losing her would somehow compensate for what he had done. As long as that pain was there he was being punished.
When lunch finally arrived Shinji gathered his things and walked by himself to the cafeteria. Both girls were already seated at opposite ends of the room. Asuka spotted him first and waved happily. Without acknowledging her greeting he walked to an empty table at the center of the lunch room.
"Shinji?" Rei said as he passed her table.
Acting as if he didn't hear her Shinji found his table and began to eat his lunch. He could feel both girls' eyes on him. Especially Rei's, he couldn't imagine what she might be thinking right now. Shinji refused to look away from his plate, afraid that he would catch her gaze and have to see what expression she was wearing on her face.
"Oy, dis seat taken?"
"Huh, on no feel free" Shinji replied with a slight grin as he watched Toji, Clous, and Sousuke circle his table.
"We saw you sitting here by yourself so we figured we'd be nosey and come see what was wrong" Clous explained as he sat down.
"My assumption is that you've come to the realization that you can't have both girls and are sitting by yourself to further delay your inevitable decision" Sousuke explained.
"I…" Shinji was at a loss for words.
"Oy, you gonna eat dat?" Toji asked as he jabbed his finger in Shinji's plate.
"No, be my guest" Shinji replied as he looked at the imprint Toji's finger had made in his bread. "Why aren't you guys sitting with your girlfriends?" Shinji asked pushing his plate to Toji's side of the table.
"Only cheerleaders are allowed at their table" Clous answered with a smile.
"Shinji, forgive me if this question is inappropriate; have you decided on a favorable course of action concerning your current dilemma?" asked Sousuke who had also helped himself to the remaining food on Shinji's plate.
"I have no idea what I'm going to do" Shinji explained as he put his head on the table.
"Well if you go by looks alone I'd say choose Asuka" Clous stated as he looked around apparently making sure his girlfriend hadn't heard him. "I mean she's so full of life, always so spunky"
"I disagree with you. I think Rei is far more attractive. She's also highly intelligent and somewhat mysterious" Sousuke whispered, placing his hand over his mouth, also an attempt to hide what he was saying from his significant other.
"Why can't you just do em both?" Toji asked as he wiped the crumbs away from his mouth.
"I agree with Toji, though I doubt you have the skill to complete such a difficult maneuver" Sousuke said.
"I can't do that!" Shinji exclaimed.
"I was joking" explained Sousuke, the deadpan look still present on his face.
Shinji cracked a small grin, "You're weird"
"That's what Kaname says as well"
Like they did everyday after practice Asuka and her group of friends began the trek home. Asuka couldn't remember a time when she had been happier. He friends could all tell that she was on cloud nine but didn't know exactly the reason why. All of them except for Shinobu had hounded her all day long as to why she was so jovial. In response she simply shrugged and smiled her sunniest smile.
The night of the dance had been such a gigantic surprise to her that she didn't really know how to take it all in. Kissing him was her last ditch effort, she feared she had gone too far and expected him to be angry with her. Before Shinji had kissed her back she was almost convinced she didn't have a chance to be anything more to him than a friend. She could tell he liked Rei, it was obvious, they always walked to and from school together, always sat together at lunch. The moments Shinji and Asuka had were so few that she didn't know if they really meant anything to him at all. But they obviously did mean something to him. He had kissed her back, had returned the affection she had for him. This had to mean he had feelings for her, Shinji wasn't the type of boy to just go around making out with lots of girls. That's why she liked him, he was honest and sweet.
"He kissed me" Asuka said with a smile as she stopped walking.
"What!" The girls unanimously exclaimed.
"Who kissed you?" Kaname asked excitedly as she shook Asuka's shoulders playfully.
"It was Shinji wasn't it" Shinobu asked with a smile, her hand lightly touching the black choker on her neck. Asuka had complimented on it earlier in the day and Shinobu explained that an old friend of hers had bought it for her.
"It was Shinji!" Asuka said as she and the rest of the girls began jumping up and down in celebration. This brought a small amount of attention from a few of the local boys as they stopped to watch the girl's skirts billow up and down.
"Asuka I'm so happy for you!" Sakura said as she gave Asuka a large hug. "I knew he liked you, I could always tell!" She winked as she exclaimed "Lucky!"
After the celebrations had ended they continued walking, eventually arriving at the wooden fence that enclosed Asuka's supposed house. Asuka smiled to herself as she ran her hand along the individual pickets. She couldn't help but think of how shallow this all seemed now, this fake, materialistic lifestyle. The gigantic house that didn't even belong to her family, the clothes she wore, the way she acted, this wasn't her, she had lied to her friends and now that she had Shinji, she felt she had the strength to come clean. She would be forgiven if they really cared about her, if they were really her friends it wouldn't matter where she lived. Either way, she would be fine as long as she had Him. "Hey, you guys wanna see something cool?"
"Like what?" Lavi asked.
"Yes or no?" Asuka grinned. She watched the girls silently nod in unison. "Alright, see if you can keep up. We're gonna be going through some rough neighborhoods so we're gonna have to run"
"Asuka what are you talking about?" Kaname asked dropping her book bag on the ground.
"Just don't fall behind!" Asuka said as she ran in the yard and hopped the fence like she had done so many times before.
"Asuka this is crazy, stop!" Kaname yelled from somewhere behind her.
"We can't stop on this street, just keep running we're almost there!" Asuka exclaimed as she checked to her rear to make sure she hadn't lost anyone.
"Shinobu is falling behind!" Sakura said grabbing Asuka's shoulder, forcing her to stop.
"Shinobu, I wasn't joking when I said we couldn't stop on this street" Asuka explained. This was one of the worst blocks in Tokyo, a place the city had forgotten about. The police rarely came to this part of town anymore, and when they did come, never with less than a squad. This area had been burned out by fires caused by a riot a few years back and there was no effort to reconstruct. Smoked out and turned over cars still occupied the center of the street, apartment buildings with stable flooring were now home to squatters and the homeless. Asuka herself had been assaulted less than a month ago on this very street. "This place is dangerous Shinobu, we need to go"
"I'm fine, let's go" said Shinobu who had her hands on her knees and looked as if she were ready to pass out.
Asuka nodded and continued running down the abandoned sidewalk. She ran the rest of the way to her house and finally stopped in her front yard. All of her friends except Kaname acted as if they were about to die from exhaustion. Even Sakura was on her back in the grass gasping for air.
"I assume this is a safe place to stop?" Lavi asked looking as if she were ready to beat Asuka's face in.
"Of course its safe here, this is where I live" Asuka replied.
"What? You mean to tell me you drug us all the way out here, through that war zone of a neighborhood, just to play a stupid joke on us?" Kaname exclaimed.
Asuka couldn't help but grin, Kaname was a mess. Her face was beat red, her usually perfectly kept hair was tangled and matted to her face with sweat. She huffed and puffed like a balloon ready to explode. "This is where I live, look at the wooden figures in the garden" Asuka said. "I can go and unlock the door if you want"
"Why, this doesn't make any sense. Why would you tell us you lived in that other house?" Sakura asked bewildered.
"You guys wouldn't have accepted me if you knew that I lived here. I did what I had to do to make friends" Asuka explained, the anger evident in her voice.
"So…so you've been lying to us the entire time we've known you?" Shinobu asked looking as if she were about to cry.
"Look I didn't bring you here to apologize! It's not my fault I'm poor! I brought you here to test what kind of people you are!" Asuka exclaimed as the tears began to stream down her face. "If you really are my friends then it shouldn't matter that I'm poor"
"You're right! No one here would stop being your friend because you're poor. The reason I'm no longer your friend is because you've been lying to me! You endangered the lives of everyone here just so you could prove a point, what right do you have?" Lavi exclaimed as she stepped forward and slapped Asuka in the face. "Unless you're going to fight me, I'm gonna find a bus and go home"
Asuka held her reddened cheek and looked to the ground. "Endangered your lives? I make that trip every day just so you guys would think I lived in that house."
"Whatever" Lavi said as she turned around and walked away. Without another word to Asuka, the rest of the girls followed.
By the time school had ended for the day Rei had long since given up trying to cajole Shinji into telling her what was bothering him. He had never treated her this way before, she felt completely unwanted. If Shinji wasn't going to let her be part of the solution, then she wasn't going to be responsible for worsening the problem by constantly nagging him. Rei found that she could only play the caring, submissive girlfriend for so long before her more logical and somewhat indifferent side took dominance. Rei knew better than to jump to conclusions, there could be a number of different reasons for Shinji's more than awkward behavior. What bothered her was that she couldn't think of one thing that would cause him to act the way he did. She didn't want to wait for him to tell her what was bothering him. She would rather have it figured out so that when he finally told her she would be ready to help him. His behavior was too contrasting and erratic though. Shinji had gone from holding her this morning to completely ignoring her this afternoon.
After sitting in her room for more than an hour she decided to go out for a while. Hopefully being in the midst of other people would help clutter her mind so that she could take a break from thinking abut Shinji. She also needed to do to everything possible to keep her emotions out of the situation. If her feelings surfaced she would become weak and unable to resolve anything. She could feel the doubt, anxiety, and fear slowly eating away at her resolve, a cold feeling in her stomach that worsened as time went by.
Rei settled on a local coffee shop where she would hopefully sit within earshot of an intellectual group of college students. She always liked to eavesdrop on supposedly educated people as they talked about the larger, more important issues in life. It was always fun to mentally poke holes in their theories and philosophy.
"Um excuse me? What can I get for you?"
"Huh? Oh…sorry, I'll have a…what do you recommend?" Rei asked embarrassed that she had been so lost in thought. She had visited this establishment many times but never could remember exactly how to order what she wanted. It amazed her whenever she saw the caffeine gurus rattle away at their ridiculously complex order.
The waitress blew a pink bubble of chewing gum and rolled her eyes before answering, "I dunno, I always get a double latté, half-caf, no foam, foam on the side"
"Um, do you have anything with fruit?" Rei innocently asked.
Sighing in exasperation the waitress answered, "One Happy Star Cherry Cola, roger. Anything else?" She tapped her pen noisily on her clipboard for added annoyance.
"Well since I'm here, why not splurge a little huh?" Rei said. "Do you have any of those excessively expensive, stale cinnamon roles? The smaller and more expensive the better" Rei said with a sweet smile.
"One Super Fun Cinabun, roger. Do you want that with or without cinnamon?"
"You can get a cinnamon roll without cinnamon?"
The waitress replied with a look that conveyed she was going to add her own salivated ingredients to Rei's order.
"Cinnamon please" Rei responded.
"Coming right up" The waitress stated as she walked away.
Rei had barely been alone for five minutes when she heard an all too irritating female's voice behind her.
"Hey freak" Asuka said as she took a seat in front of Rei.
Outstanding, Rei thought to herself. "Asuka, can you guess who I would pick if I had to choose one person out of everyone in the world that I would least like to sit with right now?" Rei caught herself tapping the table with her fingers and abruptly stopped. "I could be waiting for someone."
"Are you?" Asuka asked as she raised an eyebrow.
"No" Rei replied flatly.
"You've been crying" Asuka stated pointing ay Rei's eyes.
"As have you"
Asuka held a hand up to her reddened cheek. "Has Shinji talked to you yet?"
"In reference to what?"
"About him and I being a couple now" Asuka said with a grin.
"Believe it or not he failed to mention that to me" Rei replied, she was in no mood to play this game with Asuka.
"Oh that's right, he didn't say a single word to you today, did he? Let me guess, he's been acting weird ever since he got back from the dance on Saturday huh? You're lucky you didn't go, I bet you worried yourself to death sitting at home all by yourself."
Rei felt like hitting her, which meant that Asuka was winning this verbal battle. She was injuring Rei with everything she said. "Asuka, since it's so blatantly obvious you're trying to hurt my feelings I'll go ahead and save you the breath and precious little intelligence you have by telling you I already know what you're doing and why. I'll be as forthcoming with you as I can be. The things you've just told me are indeed hurting me, however would you really feel the need to say them if you weren't worried about your own standings with Shinji? The answer is no, you wouldn't say these hurtful things unless you were insecure in your own right. That is, unless you're just a total bitch, and you and I both know you're not a total bitch, right?" Rei said with a slight grin.
"Ah…I…" Asuka stuttered before she reared her hand back in preparation to slap Rei.
"This is called telegraphing. By escalating this argument to a physical battle you're telling me that I've won and you can think of nothing else to do but hit me. I don't fault you for being less intelligent that me, but I must warn you, I've been training with one of your flunkies, Sakura, to be exact. Judging by the handprint on your face it seems you've had enough physical violence for today so I beg you, for your own safety, walk away"
"Excuse me, one Happy Star Cherry Cola and one Super Fun Cinabun" The waitress stated as she sat Rei's order down.
Before Rei had a chance to even look at her food Asuka had taken the cinnamon roll and shoved it in her mouth. She put her hands on her hips and chewed triumphantly.
"You do realize that she probably spit on that right?" Rei said with a disgusted look on her face.
Asuka stopped chewing immediately and stared at the waitress who shrugged slightly and nodded her head in agreement. After spitting out the cinnamon roll Asuka got directly in Rei's face. "Ayanami, I may look stupid now, but I'm the one Shinji took to the dance Saturday, and I'm the one he kissed, not you. You can keep your witty phrases and spit covered cinnamon rolls, because I have Shinji, and that's all that matters.
End Chapter 10