Mahou Sensei Negima and all related elements and characters are the property and creation of Akamatsu Ken, and the author of this set of short pieces has made no material profit from it, and never will do.
Similarly, all non-Negima characters mentioned here are the properties of their respective copyright holders.
Any non-parodic, non-totally safe similarity between the characters and events of these ministories and anyone or anything ever actually seen in real life is a pure coincidence
Read. Review. Please.
MORE THAN THIRTY FOUR NEGI AND CHISAME THREESOMES, CHAPTER 10.
(And assorted crack crap).
Chachamaru and Roll
"Chachamaru-chan, I want to introduce you and your friends to my brothers! They are the most wonderful bunch of brothers ever when they aren't being reprogrammed to take over the world!"
"Actually, I'm not really family, just crashing at their couch while I get a suitable job at a decent evil organization who happens to be evil enough," Bass pointed out.
Luna nodded. "I know a group that could use your services."
"This is Cut Man..."
Asuna pointed at him. "... Why do you have a giant pair of scissors on your head?"
The short robot glared at her. "It'll always be better than having bells instead."
"This is Hard Man..."
Haruna and Misa snickered.
"This is Wood Man..."
Haruna and Misa snickered even harder.
"This is Snake Man..."
Haruna and Misa barely held a good open laugh back.
"And this is Cold Man. He used to be Ice Man, but then the X-Men sued..."
Haruna and Misa all but guffawed now. "COLD MAN! 'COLD' MAN!"
Cold Man turned around to sulk at a corner. "Roll, I have told you not to introduce us in that order..."
Ignoring him, she went on, "This is Big Bro Guts Man..."
"Why aren't his guts hanging out?" Evangeline asked.
"Huh?"
"All show their motifs clearly, so where are his guts? If he doesn't pull his guts out for everyone to see, I say he should change his name."
"But... But that usually hurts..." Guts Man protested.
"Actually, I can get behind that idea," Bass grinned.
"Master, please, be kind to my brother-in-law..." Chachamaru softly asked.
Roll cleared her throat. "Also, this is my brother Roll, and his alternate universe Volnutt version, and his alternate universe EXE web-version..."
"Ah," Chisame said. "I *thought* he looked familiar."
"And this is our younger brother X, who was put in a capsule by Dad for more than 100 years to fight evil in a dystopian future..."
"Hey, Chao, " X waved.
"Yo, X," Chao waved back. "How's Zero doing?"
"I don't know, we haven't met in a while. I think he's too busy upstaging me at ever damn other Capcom game while I languish in limbo..."
"Still bitter about that, ne? I eventually got used to it..."
(Yeah, I know I have made several blaring mistakes at Mega Man continuity here. No, I don't think it's anything that should take anyone's sleep away).
Too Far
Haruna prided herself on her reputation of knowing no limits. No matter how much it angered everyone, she wouldn't bat an eye on allowing Negi and Kotaro to rummage through the worst of her manga collection, so much it was a wonder how they kept any innocence left. Maybe it was mostly because Asuna and Chisame ould always pull a save at the very last moment.
Still, Haruna would never mind.
Until that evening when, snooping into the darkest corners of her studio, Kotaro found that Mai-chan's Daily Life tankoubon.
Upon hearing the first yelp of surprise, Paru only took a few seconds to figure out what had happened.
"Oh, no. Oh, no no no!"
She dashed ahead fearing for the worst. Out of all her books, she never expected for him to find that one.
She arrived too late, much to her despair.
For weeks afterwards, she wouldn't stop apologizing to Natsumi.
As for Kotaro, after much discussion, it was agreed the most merciful thing would be for Negi to erase his memory, and gambling on him only erasing that fateful evening. It was a mystery how that was the only spell he still *never* got right.
Still, it seemed to work, and for everyone's relief, Kotaro went back to being the same.
Except because, for the years and years to come, for the rest of his life, he never could see Chizuru handling a blender again without twitching and howling, "IT'S AWWWWRIGHTTTTT!"
Arika/Evangeline
Negi looked up from the thick tome he had been reading through, to verify the cause of those heavy sounds of feet dragging, not to mention those helpless whimpers. Much to his shock, he saw the last person he ever expected to see lamenting, precisely lamenting to himself while slumping down into the couch.
"D-Dad..?-!"
"They denied me access..." Nagi said with an absent, melancholic voice.
"Dad? What's wrong?" his son dutifully rushed to his side. "Talk to me! Who could do this to you?"
"They kicked me out..." Nagi's voice cracked painfully.
"They kicked you around? Who? Who?-!"
"It was fate, I guess..."
"Fate-kun!" Negi's eyes burned. "FATE-KUN!" he roared, bolting out of the room.
Nagi remained still and speechless for half a hour as the booms and screams shook the building, ignoring even the chunks of ceiling failing down on him. Until he finally recovered enough of his senses to sit up straight, shrugging his shoulders casually. "Yeah, I guess it's just fate they didn't want anything to do with me after I was away for so long. Oh well, I suppose they'll get over it."
Then he noticed Negi walking back into the room, panting wearily, half naked and covered in bruises, his pants around his ankles and his boxers uneasily shifted around his hips. "Dad. Where's Chamo-kun? I feel a strange urge to ask him for one of his cigarettes..."
Ayaka/Takane/Nekane.
"Wow, you *were* right," Chamo respectfully whispered under his breath. "When all three of them are naked, you *really* can't tell them apart!"
Rakan nodded wisely from his hiding spot next to the ermine. "Of course, for an expert eye like mine, there are subtle ways to recognize each one of them."
"Like what?" Chamo eagerly asked.
"I forgot them," Rakan admitted. "My mind has just been blown completely useless by the show."
"So worth it, though."
They high-fived. "So worth it!"
Negi, Chisame and Ako, Revisited
"Ako-chan..." he panted. "I think it's for the best if we leave it at that for tonight..."
She just smiled and summoned the Artifact again. "IN THE BUTT!"
Chisame backed away on the bed, clutching the sheets against her bare front, as Ako zoomed on her after injecting Negi. "No, it's okay, really... You can have him all for yourself this time... I'd prefer resting a bit for a while—"
"It's best if we're all doing it together! IN THE BUTT!"
That kept up happening until dawn. She even would inject herself when she was running out of steam.
Later, when someone asked them why they got pregnant so fast, people always assumed they meant some sort fertility treatment when Chisame put the blame on medicine.
Negi, Chisame and The Silver Surfer
The three of them laid motionless, quiet and barely panting on the bed, their eyes fixed on the ceiling.
"So..." she finally said, "I guess it was all... uhhh... worthwile enough at the end. To save the planet, I mean..."
"Yeah..." Negi breathed deeply.
The silver figure between them sighed. "And yet, is this not the biggest moral misstep I have ever taken in all my years of traveling through the infinities of cosmos? Even after finding so many worlds for my master to devour, I never felt as impossibly dirty as I do now. Yes, it is for the ultimate best your selfless act of love has moved Galactus enough to spare this World of Magic, and I appreciate him doing it out of concern for my wretched happiness, but is it right, to achieve personal satisfaction in such a way? Haven't we just erred beyond the ken of human understanding? Haven't we—"
Chisame clung up to him, commanding in a husky growl, "Shut up and let's save the world again."
Negi clung on as well. "I agree."
Norrin Radd had never known such a puzzling race as humans.
Out in the depths of space, the towering World Devourer finished his lecture. "—and that's why I am here. Since I could not consume the Martian surface, I had to speed my travel here. GALACTUS HUNGERS, AND HIS HUNGER SHALL NOT BE DENIED! But rest assured, this is nothing born out of personal indisposition against your race. Had I properly fed at Mars, I would not have visited you for other three generations."
The Nameks assembled below all looked at each other.
"Curse that Springfield charm."
"Most definitely, yes."
Negi, Chisame and Chiyo-chan
She buried her face between her hands. "No, we can't keep on doing this."
"Why, Chisame-chan?"
"Yes, why, Chisame-san?"
"SHUT UP! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU OF ALL PEOPLE ARE ASKING ME THAT! YOU USED TO FREAK OUT WHEN WE EVEN LOOKED AT YOU THE WRONG WAY!"
"... You used to watch me 'the wrong way'?" he blinked. "I never had noticed..."
"That's... That's not what I meant..." Chisame sputtered. "But really, we gotta stop doing this... at least for a few more years... You have turned me into someone far worse than Iincho has ever been..."
"Chisame-channnn..." her little precious angel sing-sang. "I'll wear the penguin costume..."
"And I'll wear the kitsune costume..." Negi completed.
(DOUBLE COMBO HAS BEEN USED ON CHISAME! IT'S SUPER EFFECTIVE!)
Her face paled. She never had a chance.
"... Can... Can I wear the princess costume then...?" she squealed out.
"Sure you can..."
Waiting right outside, with her ear stuck to the door, Tomo chuckled. "Children are innocent, my ass..."
Standing at her right, Asuna rubbed her temples in stubborn disbelief. "I still don't understand who broke whom first. It's like the freaking egg and chicken dilemma...!"
Apocalypse
He majestically landed on his feet at the middle of the wrecked amphiteater, focusing his icy blue eyes on the short, pudgy, grotesque figure with long white hair at the other side of the place.
"Granny," he spoke, with stern and grim conviction. "It's over. Release the children immediately."
Granny Goodness rubbed her pudgy, blubbery chin and throat thoughtfully. "The children, Superman? MY children? Lord Darkseid's children? Those children? I'm afraid not. You'll see, while they were busy squabbling over saving that simple small world right above yours, and you were doing nothing about it, I might add, we took them all and gave them a joint, single purpose. We took their potential and exploited it to their limits. From mere mortals, we made them immortal servants of the Gods themselves."
"You twisted their minds. Stole their wills," Barda spat out with despise. "Will your carnival of horrors never cease as long as you live? Fine then," she readied her sword. "This ends today. But first, handle the children over. If you really have any of that warrior spirit an Apokolips wardog is supposed to have."
"As you wish, " the old woman with the gravelly voice snapped her fingers. "But remember, my dear Barda, my formerly finest student... you asked for it."
And then they started to pour out from behind her, all clad in black, nearly inexistant Apokoliptian battle armor, their eyes glinting with barely contained killer impulses.
"Beware, " Wonder Woman stood her ground, brandishing her spear. "We've arrived too late. They are under their thrall now."
Ever the optimist, the Last Son of Krypton extended a hand towards them, carefully, despite his deep and concerned scowl.
"Negi, we're here now. It's all going to be okay. And you haven't been here for long, so I know you must be still somewhere in there. You too, Fate. Darkseid is the common enemy, standing against all both of you, and us, ever fought for. If you only can—"
A combined blast from both of them sent him flying through a few buildings.
"We can," Fate said.
"Hnh," Batman readied his high charged Batarangs, even as Mana and Yuuna began to level the sights of their brand new Apokoliptian rifles on his head. "This will take a while."
Granny chuckled. "Strong as you are, Superman, we know you've always been vulnerable to magic..."
She gestured ahead, and as single person, everyone from Homura to Kaede charged on against the League.
"... And we just got enough of that."
For the Ages
"And this is the fabled nude portrait of Ala Alba at its peak, as painted by Saotome Haruna herself, " the aging guide explained as the class was too busy gawking at the huge paintwork to actually listen to him. "Back in its day, it was labeled pornographic and indecent, not to mention anatomically inaccurate at its most... controversial details, but time has rendered it a classic."
"It's... so beautiful..." one of the students panted, wiping a bit of drool out of his mouth's right corner. "How did she convince all of them to pose for it?"
"Well, there are several different stories about it. None of them is fit enough for your ears yet."
"Did the artist include herself in the portrait?"
"Naturally. She's the one laying between the two short girls at the lower left corner. Incidentally, they are Miyazaki Nodoka, Third Consort Queen of Ostia and founder of the Holy Martian Library, and Ayase Yue, lifelong president of Ariadne, Supreme Valkyrie Commander, and—"
"How could she paint it if she was busy posing?"
"Ah, another story says she created a golem of herself with her Artifact and made it to paint while she posed along with everyone else," the guide explained.
"You mean she made the golem to pose while she painted..."
"No, " he shook his head. "The only thing all legends agree on is, as much as she loved painting, she never would have put painting over a chance to get herself in there..."
Moving On
...
It had taken them a whole week to find Quartum at the bottom of the abyss and fishing him out once everything was said and done. After a good long examination, Dynamis had concluded he hadn't regenerated because the fall, in his weakened state, had fissured his core, not enough to kill him, but enough to negate his healing factor and all his other powers. "Good riddance," almost all of Ala Alba had simply muttered, even as Negi stood in mute shock.
"But... But you can fix him, can't you?"
"Of course I can!"
One week later, however, he was, for once, saying, "No, I can't."
Quartum was convinced they just didn't want to fix him up. They had to. No one they turned to finished their examinations without saying they couldn't repair the core without wiping it clean first, pretty much killing him in the spot. Quartum grew more and more sure they simply didn't want to bother looking for an alternative. Why would they? He had failed Dynamis, and everyone else was an enemy.
Not even his siblings seemed to really care.
Sure, Springfield cared a lot, but Quartum was positive it was only because of that stupid hypocrisy of his, moving him to feel guilty about anything and everything.
"I don't want your pity," he told him, as harshly as he could. "Had our roles been reversed, I'd have killed you without a blink. The onloy thing I resent from you is your lacking the guts to finish me for good there."
Negi just apologized again and reassumed looking into his books for a key for a cure.
"I told you, I don't want your help! And neither hers!"
He meant Ako, of course. After they brought him to Mundus Vetus, and after a monumental effort to keep Eva and Hakase from finishing him off, Ako had been the only one actually willing to look after him while Negi researched. Everyone else pretended to forget he ever existed, and he still gave them good reasons for it. He never had a kind word for anyone, not a hint of thanks for keeping him alive. Lashing out with his words as much as he once did with his actions. Ako, of course, wasn't spared any of it either.
"Why do you do it?" Akira once asked her. "It's not like the situation with Tohsaka-san. At least he proved he could be better than that. But he still hasn't changed... and I don't think he ever will."
"He has no one else," she replied, the And neither do I falling softly dead in her lips before ever being born. Everyone was starting to drift away in their own directions as the years passed by. Even Akira. And even Negi. With someone else.
Quartum noticed, even from the corner where his mutilated crippled body always used to rest. Frowning, he noticed how her mood slowly changed over time, even if she pretended otherwise. When she wheeled him out to breath fresh air, he saw less and less familiar faces with each passing month.
"Why do you keep doing this?" Unwittingly, he finally echoed Akira's words, one of so many quiet and lonely nights.
"Doing what?" she asked.
"Keeping me here. Taking care of me. Even your boyfriend has started to forget me."
"He... He isn't my boyfriend, " she said, but her tone wasn't that youthful denial she once had, and neither were her cheeks red anymore. She spoke with nothing but even, resignated sadness. She only was stating a fact.
For once, Quartum didn't feel like taunting her about that.
Then she had started to cough.
Akira once told him Ako never had the best of healths. She told him something about her falling badly ill at Mundus Magicus for a while, although he paid it no attention then. However, now, he couldn't help but feeling kinda curious about it. Could it be the same kind of illness he was showing now? No, of course not. Probably nothing but a brief bout of whatever those puny ants were coming down with now.
"Why won't you tell the other idiots about it?"
"I don't want to be a bother."
"Hmmmmmmmm."
He scowled, but said nothing else.
As the days went on, he wondered how dense they had to be, or how good an actress she had become, or how apart they all had drifted, or all of those combined, for them to not notice. One night, he found himself wondering, for the first time ever, what would he do if she ever exited his life. He doubted anyone else would care enough to willingly take him, although he guessed Dynamis still would do it over an old sense of duty. But he didn't care. He never had cared.
Then, what was bothering him now?
He heard the crash of glass at the kitchen and groaned. That stupid spineless female had dropped a plate again, no doubt.
He waited for her to walk into the room apologizing about the noise, as always.
But she never came.
After almost a hour of waiting, he growled to himself and shook his head. He had to be as idiotic as her if he really was about to do that...
With a sigh, he used his arms to propel himself down from his resting place and crawl towards the kitchen. Once there, he saw her fallen, unmoving body and blinked. After some hesitation, he scooted over to her side and tentatively checked her. Still breathing. But fairly weakly.
He slapped her face a few times, not as hard as he thought he'd have wanted himself. No reply.
Quartum sighed again.
Life was so damn unfair.
Hakase woke up with a start, pushing her glasses up to notice she had fallen asleep at her lab again, and someone was knocking at the door. Knocking? How manually primitive. What, couldn't they reach up for the doorbell?
"Going, going!" she groaned between yawns, opening the door and finding... no one. "Great. Those pranksters again. Why do I keep forgetting installing the laser defenses—"
"Down here," a voice icilly hissed.
She looked down with disgust. "You. What are you of all people doing here? You should know you're not welcome at my premises..."
"To hell with your premises, woman," the torso growled. "Your place is the closest one I could find. I never bothered to learn how do you use those 'phone' things, and I've been dragging myself across enough of this school as it is. Izumi needs help, and quickly."
She blinked. "Ako?"
Ako woke up to find herself surrounded by old familiar faces. "It's okay. You'll be much better now, " Negi promised her, holding her right hand tighter.
She understood, blushing as she gazed around at everyone, opening her mouth to apologize about the bother just before she saw Quartum, supported onto some sort of prototype mechanic lower body, hushing her by placing a finger over his own lips.
His gaze was still stern, but she saw no more bitterness there.
That made her smile.