4 Days for the wedding; At the Grounders;
Raven follows Anya out of the club, she doesn't know what to expect nor what to say to her best friend. She rushes to catch her footsteps but fails "Anya!" She calls her out.
Anya stops and looks back at her expectantly while Raven closes the remaining distance between them "You're leaving?"
"Yeah, I got a headache" Anya lies and Raven sighs because she knows all Anya is trying to do is to run away from her.
"Is it true?"
"What?" Anya asks back confused.
"That you…have feelings for me" Raven is trying hard to maintain the eye contact.
Anya's heart stops she systematically denies by shaking her head and looking away not meeting Raven's eyes.
"Then look at me in the eyes and tell me you don't feel anything for me" Raven demands.
Anya looks at her best friend silently for a moment and without saying anything Raven reads h, even if Raven knew and trusted Octavia's words it took her by surprise. It feels weird and Anya is uncomfortable talking to Raven about her feelings, it is frightening her because she knows this conversation might ruin their longtime friendship.
"For how long?" Anya doesn't reply, she remains silent and takes a deep breath.
"I'm sorry...it's just that it feels awkward…we've been friends forever and now I'm harassing you with questions".
Anya smiles at her best friend and clears her throat "It's more than awkward for me"
"Then I'm sorry if I've been a bitch to you"
"It's ok" Anya says softly with a smile on her face then fidgets with the keys in her hands. Raven notices them and takes another step close to her best friend and says "I just want to know one thing! Is it just attraction or…more?"
Anya cannot believe what she is hearing, Raven wants to know if she has feelings for her or she just is attracted to her. It's stupid as it clearly is more than just attraction otherwise Anya won't be so secretive and freak out about it.
Anya stares at Raven for a moment debating about what the good answer is, if she tells her the truth she might make things worse and lose her friendship but if she doesn't she may regret later and not know if Raven feels anything at all for her "More" She lets out in a whisper.
"Oh, wow!" Raven lets out then remains speechless.
Anya panics "It's just a stupid crush. First girl crush or whatever don't worry I'll be fine, I'm fine".
Raven doesn't know how to feel about all of that, when Octavia told her she hoped deep down that it is not true that Anya is just being bitchy for whatever reason but nothing related to her, to them or their friendship. And now, Anya is telling her that she has feelings for her "Why didn't you tell me?"
Anya shrugs "I don't know, I was afraid that it will make things awkward between us and I was right"
"No, you're wrong" Raven denies trying to sound confident but fails miserably.
Anya raises her eyebrow "Really? So if I asked you out on a date, you'd just have said yes!".
"I...emmm don't know but.." Raven stutters and Anya looks at her knowingly.
"See!" Anya says in a huff and turns to resume her path to her car.
"Wait, Anya" Raven tries to stop the blonde but Anya won't, she opens her car and gets in. Raven rushes to the passenger side and joins her.
"I'm sorry…I didn't mean to hurt your feelings or…I'm just…Fuck! This is hell awkward you're right…maybe with time I-" Raven doesn't get to finish Anya interrupts her not wanting to get her hopes up an make Raven uncomfortable.
"Don't worry, I don't want you to think about it for my sake…that's why I didn't tell you in the first place" Anya looks at Raven with a reassuring smile betraying her own heart "I knew you would try just to…just because we're best friends but it will only make things worse so don't" Anya shakes her head after explaining to her best friend why she disagrees with her.
Raven nods worried "Are we ok though?"
Anya forces a smile for her best friend "Of course" She manages to say. It is a lie because she is not even believing her own words and if she'd be honest she would have answered differently.
Abby has a death grip on Lexa's forearm and it says a lot about what's coming next. Lexa wants to leave and be alone to think about what just happened. She can still feel the taste of Clarke's tongue in her mouth and it is making her dizzy and barely able to walk.
"Take us somewhere we actually can hear each other" Abby orders and Lexa nods without questioning her she knows Abby has every right to ask for a talk with her particularly after what she just have done with her daughter.
Few minutes later, the two women catch an uber and goes directly to Lexa's mansion. As soon as they step out of the car Abby spits out angrily "Were you just banging my daughter in a club's bathroom?"
Lexa's jaw drops she looks in disbelief at Abby's forwardness. She is speechless she doesn't know how to reply to such a question especially because it sounds like a statement more than a question.
After a moment, Lexa tries to deny shaking lightly her head but Abby interrupts her "Don't you dare lie to me, Lexa" Abby threatens in a motherly way.
"I'm not" Lexa quickly replies "I wasn't, she deserves better…I'd never.." Lexa feels like a teenager all over again, feeling her cheeks blushing at having to talk with Abby about Clarke.
"Then why this?" Abby gestures at Lexa's lips and face before adding "Why did you follow her in there?"
There is no point in denying nor lying to Clarke's mother anymore. Because even if Lexa does after what she has done tonight she knows for sure Clarke might tell the truth and everything is going to be revealed by tomorrow.
"I never stopped loving her" Lexa says hoping that it is enough for Abby and she won't ask more questions. After all it explains everything.
Abby looks at Lexa for a moment and all she can see is the truth but she can't find her words. It was obvious to her earlier when Lexa talked about her first time with Clarke that she still has feeling for her, her eyes betrayed her. And now, Abby doesn't know how to deal with what she just heard.
Her maternal instinct tells her to wrap Lexa in her arms to comfort her, she could see the tears in her eyes but her brain was telling her to scold her like a parent would do.
"I'm sorry"
"Then why Clarke is marrying Finn?" Abby asks Lexa who shrugs.
"She loves him, I guess" Lexa's lips twitch in a sad smile as a tear rolls down her cheek.
Abby pinches the bridge of her nose trying to focus and find a solution to this masquerade happening in front of her "I don't know what to say, Lexa"
"There's nothing to say" Lexa deadpans "you wanted the truth, you heard it…I'd never use Clarke for anything like you presumed...I followed her to talk that's all"
"Thank you for being honest at least with me. I don't understand why you both are hiding the truth from everyone….does all your friendship and love to Clarke mean nothing?" Abby asks and Lexa sighs, she is too worn emotionally to deal with this kind of questions.
However, giving the intimidating and the position of Abby being Clarke's mother and often in the past as an aunt for her, Lexa can't bring herself ignoring or disrespecting her by not replying to her questions.
Lexa wipes the tear from her cheek and explains to Abby the reason that kept her from telling the truth. Abby gave Lexa the time to talk and explain without interrupting her and when she finished she surprised her.
"Finn is your brother, you should have talked to him. Look at you! You are about to host the wedding of the woman you love with you brother" Abby says trying to make some sense in Lexa.
"It's too late, now"
"It's not, Lexa. It's never late to do the right thing…I know it is hard for you to talk about your feelings but you have to tell Finn…you have…wait! Did you tell Clarke about your feelings?"
"No" Lexa replies then corrects herself hesitantly "yes, I guess"
"You don't seem so sure…Did you use actual words or you kept staring at her like back in the club?"
Lexa feels humiliated at the same time as surprised at how much Abby knows her even after all these years, she looks down at her hands shamefully then back at Abby and shakes her head.
"Then how?"
"I kissed her" Lexa blurs out then hopes Abby won't ask details because she doesn't know how to tell her that Clarke was drunk when she kissed her.
Abby keeps herself from laughing at Lexa's reply because the situation is critical and laughing will only make Lexa close off again. She clears her throat then says "Lexa, a kiss doesn't mean anything at all, words do. Tell her the truth maybe she feels the same about you"
Lexa's heart skips a beat, does Abby know something she is not telling her? Lexa knows Abby is right a kiss doesn't mean 'I love you' nor does it convey the depth of her feelings.
"Did Clarke…tell you something? Does she..?" Lexa asks keeping her breath.
"No" Abby quickly replies not wanting to give Lexa hope while Clarke is still getting married with Finn and she said nothing about it. Sure she denied having feelings for Lexa but Abby knows her well.
Lexa looks down at her hands, it hurts how certain Abby's answer is. She wants to walk away and stop thinking about everything, stop thinking about Clarke and the wedding, stop thinking about Finn but she can't.
Abby wants to comfort Lexa but she doesn't know how and whether it is a good idea because all Lexa needs now is to realize the enormity of the situation and start acting differently.
"Talk to Finn, Lexa! Tell him that you love Clarke" Abby suggests.
"I can't" Lexa shakes her head and all Abby wants to do is smash her on the head.
Clarke walks back out of the bathroom without washing off the stripper's number after looking at herself on the bathroom mirror for about ten minutes. She didn't recognize herself or so she thinks. She is drunk and a little but turned on by Lexa.
She goes back to the VIP room where her friends or at least Octavia will be there and help her get back home safely but she finds no one, not even her mother. She frowns eyeing the room, the drinks are still full but it is empty except for her phone and purse. Clearly everyone left, she takes her phone and calls Finn to pick her up.
When Finn gets to the club he is not prepared to see what he finds, a drunk Clarke this one he was expecting it according to how incomprehensible the phone call was. However, he was not expecting to find Clarke looking like a wild party girl despite the low lights he could see that she had a number written on her breasts and she barely was making sense.
He walks her out of the club and helps her getting in the car and drives back home silently. It is the least he can do and he knows he shouldn't feel mad or anything like that because he got back home drunk more than he can reckon but he can't just help feeling like that.
It gets worse after they get home because the first thing Clarke does is push him when he tried to help her out of her dress.
"Don't…don't touch me" Clarke protests drunkenly.
Finn bugs out speechless because it is only now that he notices the bruise on her lip, he gulps and tries to not lash out at her knowing that she is drunk and now is not the time to talk.
"Is mom home?" Clarke is trying to take off her dress.
"No" Finn replies staring at her bruise and at her chest then he can't help himself waiting until tomorrow to know "what happened and why were you alone in your bachelorette party?"
Clarke looks at him and shrugs "I was in the bathroom with Lexa…Alex?" She frowns then steps out of her heels and adds "to wash this" She gestures at her breasts "and…then Lexa, no Alex" She acquiesces drunkenly with herself with a nod "Alex, she…no, I should probably not tell you what we did and then I walked out of the bathroom and…no one was there"
"Clarke?" Finn lets out shocked "Who did this to you?" He points out at her breasts without touching her.
"The stripper" Clarke laughs and Finn nods.
He knows he shouldn't be jealous Clarke is going to be his wife in three days and if a stripper hit on her it is not the end of the world but what intrigues him the most is what Clarke said, or not said about what she did with Lexa.
He tries to ignore the voices in his head and goes to bed with Clarke, he will try and talk to her when she is sober tomorrow and ask his sister about what happened. He doesn't know who he should talk to about his doubts because they are stupid and he will probably makes a fool of himself.
3 Days to the wedding;
The next morning, Clarke wakes up with a headache she barely manages to get out of her bed. She walks to the bathroom and the first thing she sees is the bruise on her lip. She looks closer and tries to remember whatever caused it but she remembers nothing only that she got drunk, the stripper's number and the bathroom.
Lexa. Her eyes widen at the memory of her asking Lexa to kiss her, she touches her lips looking at the mirror not sure if it is her imagination or what happened. Could it be Lexa who bruised her lip? At the thought, she feels her heart racing.
She showers quickly and just as she gets out of the bathroom she hears Finn leaving. Her heart stops and she feels guilty at what she has done yesterday night. Nothing is sure, maybe it is just her imagination because why would Lexa kiss her after telling her that she doesn't want to her friend.
In the other hand, she feels guilty because at the thought that Lexa is the one who bruised her lip she feels something familiar, butterflies in her stomach almost like when she was a teenager and it feels warm and happy and her heart beats like it's going to pop out of her chest.
She puts her clothes on and rushes to the guest room to see if her mother is already awake, maybe she will tell her what happened but Abby is nowhere to be found in the apartment so she calls her and again her mother is unreachable.
She calls Octavia but to no avail, the brunette is not answering her calls nor replying to her texts. So instead of waiting for whatever, she takes few things that she will need on the wedding day and heads to Lexa's mansion.
She hopes to run into Lexa and maybe she will tell her about the events that led to her bruised lips she might even need to apologize for being drunk and asking her to kiss her. The fact of apologizing doesn't bother her much but the reason she would apologize doesn't ring right. Why would she apologize for kissing Lexa?
However, when Clarke gets to the mansion Lexa is nowhere to be seen. Clarke feels a little bit disappointed at not finding her and feels puzzled about last night events. She gets in the room and calls Octavia again who finally picks up.
"Hey, I'm sorry I was driving when you called" Clarke hears Octavia telling her.
"It is ok, O. Can you talk now?"
"Yeah, what's up?" Octavia asks then adds "is everything alright?"
"Yeah, emmm it is just that I don't remember what happened yesterday"
"Well we got drunk, especially you" Octavia laughs "then you got yourself a stripper's number tattooed on your boobs and when you left to the bathroom to remove it. Lexa left too and so your mom told me that the party is over and I should leave and I left"
"That's all you know?"
"No, I remember you insulting Lexa when telling us about how was your first time…that much I gathered and it is mainly the reason she left I think…she looked devastated Clarke"
Clarke's heart aches at what she is hearing. Yes, she was angry at her but she would never do something or say something to hurt her "Are you sure, O?"
"Yeah, you said it was amazing or sweet but that she left you and you referred to her as the 'douchebag' who left and you never saw again" Octavia clarifies.
"Oh God!" Clarke gasps in disbelief, how could she be so mean to someone she loves so much. Love, her heart stops at the thought. Yes, she loves Lexa and she would never do something like that, she would never hurt her. She feels like her head was going to explode with all the information and the blurred images of her and Lexa in the club's bathroom.
"Clarke!" Octavia exclaims as Clarke is silent.
"O, I think..or I did I don't know…I kissed Lexa and she bit my lip and now it's-" Clarke is interrupted when the room's door opens.
"You did what?" Clarke hears Octavia shouting at the other end of the phone.
"I'll call you later O" Clarke says before hanging up.
"Mom!" Clarke raises her eyebrow a little bit confused on how her mother ended up here.
"Clarke" Abby smiles sadly at her daughter seeing that things might have got more heated than a simple kiss according to her daughter's lip.
"What are you doing here mom?" Clarke asks bluntly.
"I'm here to see my daughter" Abby walks deeper into the room after closing the door behind her.
Clarke gulps and gives her mother a fake smile because Abby glances at her lips and then gives her the look. The look she used to give her when she was about parenting her.
Abby sits on the sofa and gestures for her daughter to join her, Clarke complies having a presentiment about what her mother is going to talk about.
Abby looks into Clarke's eyes and asks her seriously "Do you love her? Are you in love with her? Do you love Finn the way you loved Lexa?"
Clarke blinks few times letting Abby's words sink in her brain and make sense, she doesn't know what she should answer. Yes she loves Lexa but is she in love with her? Does she love Finn the way she loved Lexa when they were younger? No, that much she knows. She knows the love she has for Finn is nothing compared to the one she feels for Lexa but now is not the right time to question.
Abby sees that Clarke is not about to give any answer, in fact she isn't expecting an answer from her she wants to question her to make her think about it.
"I'm not asking you to give me an answer or explain to me because I don't need the answer, you need it. And me, as your mother wants you to do the right thing after figuring it out" Abby says in a comforting way to Clarke who is happy that her mother is not insisting on getting an answer because she doesn't have it.
"Thanks mom" Clarke scoots closer to her mother and hugs her then asks "Have you seen Finn?"
"Why?" Abby fears the worse.
"Nothing, it's ok. I was showering when he left so I didn't see him this morning and I thought maybe you did"
Abby nods with a smile, she knows Clarke is not telling her everything but she decides to not push her more than that. She is already questioning her relationship with Lexa and Finn, she is not going to entertain the idea further in her daughter's brain.
"Well, you're here! Why don't I try the dress for you" Clarke says with a bright smile.
"I would love to"
"I'll need your help" Clarke confesses.
"Of course"
Lexa knocks lightly at the door like she is afraid to waver, to lose control because so many things can go wrong once she gets in, she waits for a minute but nothing so she pushes the door of the guest room softly and steps in.
Clarke is standing by the window while Abby is behind her tugging at the strings of the corset closing it while talking to Clarke about her own dress. They don't notice her presence until Lexa clears her throat.
Clarke recognizes it and whips her head finding Lexa standing stiffly at the entrance of the room.
Lexa is fully dressed now with a well cut black suit and high heels, it is clear that she's heading to work or a business meeting. The suit is tight at the right places, Clarke can't help her eyes wander to Lexa's crotch but she sees nothing! Lexa must have tucked well but she doesn't look uncomfortable.
Clarke scolds herself mentally for always letting her eyes go down there! It is barely a second but Clarke thinks Lexa saw her, she didn't. She is too much focused staring at Clarke's cleavage to notice where her eyes are.
She has seen the dress, she did but not on Clarke. The white dress is amazing and the model wearing it doesn't do her justice, Clarke does. Lexa gulps trying to recollect herself.
"Mom, please can you give us a minute" Clarke looks at mother.
"I hope you know what you're doing" Abby replies with a whisper.
"Thank you" Clarke's only reply is. Lexa smiles nervously at Abby who throws her a threatening look.
When the door clicks Lexa looks behind her back to make sure it is close and they are alone before she looks back at the bride.
Clarke is now looking at the window, her back to Lexa again. She takes a deep breath to compose herself when she hears the clicking of Lexa's high heels.
Lexa stays at a respectable distance behind Clarke and says "Clarke!" She wants to talk to her to avoid things to get even more complicated and for the last time before she is officially married to her brother. She wants to give Clarke her gift because she doesn't know if she would be able to do it on the wedding day. Hell she doubts she would be sober enough to do it.
"What are you doing here, Lexa?" Clarke's voice is cold as ice, she doesn't know where it came from this sudden feeling and behavior, she is too focused to maintain her self-control to realize what it is.
The question throws Lexa off guard, she looks at her and notices the bruise she made on her lip for a moment before recollecting herself enough to manage an answer "Can we talk about yesterday?"
Clarke hesitates for a moment then nods, she can't bring herself to speak yet. She looks into Lexa's green eyes expectedly waiting to hear what Lexa has to say about the events of the previous night.
"You were drunk" Lexa states "…do you remember anything at all?" Lexa asks not knowing how to start the conversation.
Clarke shakes her head "No, it is…blurry"
Lexa nods "We had a fight" Clarke frowns she doesn't remember fighting with Lexa, she remembers asking her to kiss her even if Octavia did tell her that she called her a 'douchebag'.
"I'm sorry, I was drunk and I was….I don't know! I'm really sorry it won't happen again" Clarke apologizes and Lexa's heart breaks.
"You regret it" It's a statement more than a question to which Clarke nods breaking Lexa's heart.
Lexa looks down at her hands for a moment it is even more devastating than she thought it would be. She didn't even expect Clarke to tell her that she regret the kiss not knowing that Clarke has something else in mind.
"I also came to give you your wedding gift" Lexa replies putting her commander face.
"I thought this wedding is a wedding gift" Clarke gestures towards the window at the gardens looking like their old spot.
"It's Finn's not yours" Lexa corrects her.
"What's the difference really!? I am his wife, what's mine is his"
"Not for me" Lexa unbuttons the vest of her suit and tugs her hand and lets out a little box.
"Here" Lexa simply pushes the box right at Clarke wanting to get done with it and leave because she doubts that she can hold it together longer.
"No, I don't accept it" Clarke says pressing her lips together keeping herself from saying anything that she might regret.
Lexa sighs. She really wants Clarke to have it she opens it, and faces it to Clarke. Clarke's breath hitches she takes a step forward and gazes the golden hairpin with her fingers "it's beautiful" she breathes out with a smile and Lexa's heart aches but she can't help smiling back at Clarke.
"I knew you would love it"
Clarke looks into green eyes and sees Lexa's smile reaching them. Lexa is few inches away from Clarke. She didn't realize how close she is to her until now that she had to look lower her eyes to meet Clarke's, Lexa is wearing higher heels then Clarke's obviously.
She gulps remembering that she is not supposed to be so warm and share complicity with her brother's wife. She remembered that she shouldn't feel her heart so hard against her chest around her sister in-law so she decides to leave it in her hands and leave. Clarke regrets the kiss after all.
However, Clarke is not willing to her win, she is stubborn. She opened her hand the second Lexa put it on hers causing it to fall on the floor "No!" She hears Clarke's broken voice.
She crouches and grabs the hairpin and the box then she stands back. She feels her heart stuck in her throat at the closeness, Clarke's chest is almost touching hers just like yesterday. She gulps trying to swallow her heart back deep inside and has no other choice than to put the hairpin on Clarke's hair herself.
Clarke's breath hitches and Lexa tries to ignore it. She smiles looking at the golden hairpin which looks really beautiful on Clarke's blonde hair.
Clarke takes Lexa's free hand between hers and Lexa's heart stops she looks down at her hand enclosed in Clarke soft hands then looks at blue.
"Lexa, I'm the bride, can't you give me a gift I really want!"
"I'd give you anything" The words come out of Lexa's lips before she could stop them, this is why she can't trust herself around Clarke because she loses herself, her stoic self and she might do something as stupid as yesterday that will only break her heart.
Clarke's heart flutters, Lexa always knows how to dismantle her "Kiss me" She asks again boldly and completely sober looking at Lexa's plump lips.
Lexa jolts back suddenly, freeing her sweaty hand from Clarke's hold "I'm sorry, I can't" She doesn't know why Clarke is doing this. She feels used, Clarke is clearly sober and asking her to kiss her while barely minutes ago she told her she regrets it.
Clarke takes a step forward and whispers a pleading "Please" eyes blurred by tears. She doesn't know what took her, maybe the realization of having kissed Lexa but not remembering anything of it or maybe it is because she knows she won't be able to do it. She needs a closure, a closure she didn't have ten years ago.
She needs to stop thinking about kissing Lexa something she doubts she will do especially now she knows it happened but doesn't remember the taste of her lips.
She wants to try and maybe this time if she kisses her she will figure out what she wants from her. Maybe if she kisses her she won't think about it anymore.
She needs and wants it for so many reasons that her brain accepts it as something totally ok. Ok about the idea of kissing your ex best friend future sister in law. What a long heavy title to bear.
Lexa cannot help the gasp that leaves her lips, she muffles it quickly pressing her lips together, the sight of Clarke's blue eyes filled with tears is somehow twistedly beautiful as much as heart breaking.
She remembers like it was yesterday when she swore to protect Clarke years and years ago, she was always the one to do it before life tore them apart and now she is the one Clarke needs protection from.
Lexa feels her eyes watering now, blurring her vision. Her brain gets blurred too by the pain she feels at the newly acquired guilt she holds for making Clarke's eyes looking so devastatingly torn. She takes the remaining step, closing the distance left between their bodies bringing them almost as their hearts secretly are close.
Their hearts bonded as one years ago.
Clarke lets out a strangled breath when she feels Lexa's strong hand wrap around her waist and brings her closer she looks at Lexa's lips one last time before closing her eyes slowly making her tears flowing from her eyes down on her cheeks.
She wants to feel this kiss, to memorize it but then she feels Lexa's plump lips pushing against her nose tenderly and she lets out a sob and her eyes open looking at Lexa's eyes.
"I'm sorry. Finn!" Lexa takes a step back before she loses herself completely, Clarke's heart crashes. She takes a step back and nods reasoning Lexa and looking down at her white dress feeling ashamed.
Lexa feels uncomfortable too at rejecting Clarke that way, Finn is the reason keeping her from taking the woman she loves, her girl and showing her what love is. But she can't possibly do the same mistake again. It would be only shattering for her, she even feels a little bit used by Clarke even if she knows that Clarke would never use her.
Unfortunately, she can't help feeling this way mostly because Clarke keeps on pushing her, regretting and making her regret too whatever happens between them.
"Can you save me a dance at least?" Clarke asks out of nowhere.
Lexa looks astounded at her to be honest she doesn't think she would be able to dance with Clarke on her wedding day and not their wedding day. Will she even be sober enough to remember? She highly doubts it. She looks into Clarke's eyes and sees that the blonde's request is genuine.
"Why don't we dance now?" Lexa forces a smile on her face trying to be brave enough.
Clarke smiles, Lexa's suggestion doesn't sound awful at all. Indeed, it is a great idea they can dance now in their own bubble. Clarke nods and puts her arms around Lexa's shoulders. Lexa is having a hard time wrapping her arms back around Clarke's waist but she manages to do it when she feels Clarke's reassuring fingers playing with her hair.
They look at each other for like a few seconds but what feels like forever for Lexa, she doesn't know how much is she able to handle Clarke's blue eyes staring back at her then Lexa starts to move her body slowly trying to make Clarke move with her.
Clarke smiles letting Lexa lead the dance, there is no music but the sound of their breathing but it doesn't stop them from dancing.
"It suits you the business woman look" Clarke says with a smile and Lexa blushes and breathes out a 'Thank you'.
She looks back at her with a grin " La robe te va presque aussi bien que celle de ton dixiéme anniversaire " (The dress looks almost as good as the one of your tenth birthday).
Clarke stops moving and looks with wide eyes at her "Tu te rappelles" (You remember) A content smile appears on Clarke's face.
"Biensur" (Of course) Lexa replies tugging lightly at Clarke's waist to make her move again.
"Et de mon onxiéme anniversaire aussi" (And of my eleventh birthday too) Clarke corrects before starting to move again with Lexa.
"Et du onxiéme anniversaire de Clarke la têtu" (And the eleventh birthday of Clarke the stubborn)
Clarke stops again and taps on Lexa's shoulders "Tu te moques de moi?" (You're making fun of me)
"Pas du tout, ton entêtement était adorable ce jour-là" (Not at all, your stubbornness was adorable that day) Lexa replies honestly, reminiscing.
"Dommage que je ne puisse dire pareil pour le tien" (Too bad I can't say the same for yours) Clarke banters.
"Je ne suis pas têtu" (I'm not stubborn)
" Si ! Tu l'étais. Rappel toi j'ai dû exiger un bisou sous prétexte que c'est mon anniversaire et que j'en ai le droit pour que tu as enfin céder " (Yes ! You were. Remember, I had to use my birthday as an excuse that I have the right to ask for a kiss, for you to finally give in)
"C'était mon premier baisé" (It was my first kiss) Lexa lets out before she can stop herself then blushes she never told anyone about her first kiss and Clarke was too young to acknowledge that it was indeed her first kiss too.
Clarke frowns shaking her head then it hits her "En effet, ça l'était" (Indeed, it was).
"Pourquoi ça ne l'était pas pour toi?" (Why it wasn't for you?) Lexa is confused.
"Si…si! C'est juste que…rien" (Yes…yes! It's just that….nothing) Clarke dismisses.
"Tu étais ma première" (You were my first).
Clarke's heart aches, she can't help feeling the sadness in Lexa's voice. She cups Lexa's face with one hand while the other is still around her shoulders and brushes her thumb gently under Lexa's lips in a curve to draw smile.
Lexa looks into Clarke's eyes and it feels almost like on Clarke's eleventh birthday, Clarke in a white dress, Clarke asking her a kiss with an excuse except now everything is different. It's not simply Clarke's birthday but her wedding.
Lexa takes Clarke's hand in hers and moves it away from her face looking everywhere but in her blue eyes. As much as she loves Clarke (she is willingly stepping over her own happiness for her) she can't give her what she wants. It hurts and it is difficult for her to not want more whenever she is with her.
She can't smile and pretend that she is happy, she is not. She is dying from the inside and nothing can stop it now especially not sweet moments like that, they only urge the process faster.
'What's wrong?" Clarke asks her hand still in Lexa's.
Lexa shakes her head "I don't understand why you keep asking me to kiss you and regret it later"
Clarke blushes "So it was real, it wasn't my imagination"
"It was" Lexa nods "I'm sorry for your lip, I got carried away" She says letting Clarke's hand free but Clarke doesn't let go yet, she takes her hand back firmly in hers "I didn't regret it, what I regret is not remembering it" Clarke surprises herself replying making Lexa's heartbeat race.
Lexa's eyes roam over Clarke's face trying to get the meaning of her words without being played once again and getting her hopes up "I should go" Lexa takes a step back.
"Wait!" Clarke again stops her "do you regret it?"
Lexa shakes her head "It doesn't matter if I regret it or not, Clarke. You're the one who keeps asking me to kiss you then says that you regret it you should ask yourself this question not me".
"You could have said no, it takes two to kiss" Clarke replies defensively and Lexa sighs "I really have to go".
"Of course you keep running away" Clarke adds.
Lexa knits her eyebrows looking back at Clarke "I'm the one running? Clarke you're in your wedding dress and you were asking me to kiss you! Do you even know what you want?" Lexa fires back anger clear in her tone.
Indeed, Clarke doesn't know what she wants so she keeps silent. Whenever she is with Lexa she wants her, she wants to kiss her yet she refuses to listen to her heart afraid what she might hear.
"What do you want from me?" Lexa asks with a broken voice "what do you want from us?" Clarke's heart breaks. Lexa is right she is just hurting both Lexa and Finn. She didn't realize until now that she was playing both of them. She gulps looking away, it really is selfish of her to want both of them.
"I'm sorry"
Clarke can't possibly tell her that all she keeps thinking about is her and she wants the kiss to somehow give her an answer, help her to figure out her feelings.
"So am I. It's best if we stop this…whatever we're doing" Lexa forces the words out "It's not fair for Finn, it is cheating"
Lexa leaves Clarke speechless, she knows the best for her is to not engage in anything with Clarke anymore especially that she doesn't know what she wants and it is only hurting Lexa.
The words make sense but tug painfully at Clarke's heart. It felt wrong to ask Lexa for a kiss but she needed it however it didn't feel like 'cheating' as she told her.
Lexa decides to keep a low profile until everything goes back to normal and if Clarke won't take the job, she will try and find a solution to avoid having to interact with her.
2 Days to the wedding; Anya's office;
Anya spent almost an hour telling Lexa about what happened between her and Raven the other night at the club. Lexa doesn't know what to say to comfort her best friend. Raven's reaction was maybe not the one Anya was hoping for but at least she was honest with her.
"So what now?"
"Nothing, we're back to being best friends" Anya explains in a morose tone.
"Can you be her best friend and ignore your feelings just like that?" Lexa asks knowing that it won't be possible, she is a living proof of it. She keeps losing herself in Clarke.
"I guess I don't have a choice" Anya shrugs then Raven knocks once on the door's frame and joins them.
"Morning ladies" Raven lets out with a smile. Both Lexa and Any greet her back and keep silent expecting her to say something which makes her uncomfortable because she feels like they were talking about her and Anya.
"So! What's up?" Raven asks looking between her two best friends.
Anya shifts uncomfortably while Lexa stands up ready to leave "Sorry I've to go back to work" She looks at Anya giving her a reassuring smile than at Raven and adds "…see you at the conference room"
Lexa walks out of Anya's office giving her best friends some space hoping that they will find a way back to each other among Anya's confusing feelings because she knows it is not easy to ignore them, they will keep coming back.
When Lexa gets into her office she finds Finn waiting for her looking not so much himself.
"I've been waiting for about an hour, I need the envelope" Finn says angrily and Lexa's heart shifts.
"Finn! Is everything alright?"
"I said I need the fucking envelope" Finn snaps at her.
"Why the hurry?" Lexa asks again "I thought you want to leave it for after the wedding"
"Just give it to me Alex!"
"Give me a minute" Lexa replies before complying. As soon as he grabs the envelope from her hands, he walks out without saying anything further which surprises Lexa but not in the good way. She doesn't remember a time when he talked to her like that not even once.
Anya looks at Raven without meeting her eyes, she doesn't know why Raven came to her office and now she is just staring at the walls looking clueless.
"Raven, do you need anything in particular?" Anya asks curious.
Raven looks back at her best friend and smiles nervously "Not really!"
"Don't you have work to do?" Anya tries again.
"Alright, I am here to ask you something but please don't look at me like you're doing now…I don't wanna regret it" Raven warns her best friend.
"Say what you have to say Raven, I don't have all day"
"Ok, so I was thinking about the wedding and I thought that it would be cool to go together" Raven says wincing.
Anya's eyes widen and she lets out a nervous chuckle "Together?"
"Yeah, you and me!" Raven gestures between the two of them.
"Raven, it is the wedding of our best friend to us both of course we'll be there together and if you mean you need a drive…it is ok! Just don't make us late"
"Fuck! I feel stupid now" Raven lets out "that's not what I meant" Anya looks at Raven and meets her eyes this time "What do you mean then?" She asks nervously.
"I mean like a date" Raven blurs out.
"A what?" Anya gawks at her best friend.
"Date" Raven says bravely.
"A wedding of a best friend is not a date, Raven" Anya replies "…and what made you change your mind anyway?"
Raven shrugs with a nervous smile "I don't know, I just think that we should give it a try"
"Thank you, I really appreciate but I don't think that it is a good idea…I mean trying to date because of what I said"
Raven's smile falls, she clearly wasn't expecting rejection "Well, I've work to do! See you later" She says before leaving Anya's office.
1 Day to the wedding; At Finn's apartment;
Abby goes back to Finn's apartment handful with grocery bags when she knocks Finn opens the door and doesn't even look at her or help her. He rushes back to his bedroom.
Abby puts the bags in the kitchen and walks to Finn's bedroom she finds the door open and Finn packing in a rush.
"What are you doing?" Abby asks startling Finn.
"Nothing" He looks back to his bag and resumes what he was doing.
"It clearly is something" Abby comments then when she sees that Finn doesn't say anything she adds "…I'm going to make lunch, wanna join me?"
"No, thanks! I've some urgent matters to deal with" Finn replies then looks at her intently "you know something I know, don't you?"
"About what?" Abby gulps.
"What happened in Clarke's bachelorette party?"
"We got drunk and we left early, that's all" Abby shrugs.
"You left your own daughter drunk and she got banged or whatever and came back home to me looking like trash" Finn spits out accusingly.
Abby looks back at him, eyes wide like a deer caught in the headlights then Finn adds "do you know who it is?"
"She didn't get banged…she was just drunk" Abby shakes her head defending her daughter not liking Finn's accusations.
"So you know what happened" Finn states "That's why you left her alone in the room with Alex and…" Before finishing what he was saying Abby interrupts him.
"We know Lexa from back when she was in France, Finn. She was Clarke's best friend that's all"
Finn looks hurt even more than he was before Abby told him, he whispers a 'Thank you' and leaves.
At Lexa's mansion;
Clarke paces in the guest room feeling lost. She had never felt this way in her life, she wanted two things at the same time or so she thinks. She wanted someone to help her figuring out everything toying with her mind now but she knows no one is good enough, Jake would have known what to tell her.
At the thought of her father, tears start rolling down her cheeks. It would have been different if she listened to him. If she looked for Lexa as her father told her before dying, nothing would be the same now. She won't be put in this position, she won't be questioning her wedding and her feelings for Lexa.
She tries to calm herself, stop crying and thinks for a moment then decides to take the matter in her hands and stop lying. The best way to deal with this is to talk to Finn and maybe she will figure it out. She needs to be honest with him and tell him everything, absolutely everything. She takes her phone and dials his number.
Lexa walks through her mansion with hurried steps, Abby just called her and said that she will be in her place in five minutes to talk about an emergency. This cannot be something good.
All Lexa hopes is that it has to do with some decoration or preparations anything but Clarke and Finn even if she knows deep down that it has to be something about Finn and Clarke otherwise Abby won't come all the way from Finn's apartment.
"Abby!"
"Can we go somewhere we can talk in private" Abby asks Lexa who nods "Follow me"
The two women walk to Lexa's office where Abby is the one closing the door after them to make sure that no one would hear them.
"What's wrong, Abby?" Lexa is the first one to speak too worried to wait. She knows something must be wrong.
"Finn left" Abby says and Lexa's eyebrows knit.
"Left? What do you mean he left?"
"I saw him packing and leaving his place…I thought maybe he was coming here but then I saw his suit, the rings I mean everything related to the wedding so he left"
"Did you try and talk to him?"
"Yes, but he was not so much communicative".
Lexa looks worried at Abby, not believing what she is hearing "Do you think…he knows?"
Abby nods with an apologetic smile.
Lexa sighs and starts pacing thoughtfully in her office then stops and looks at Abby "Does Clarke know? I mean…maybe she told him or…Do you think it is because of me? Of what I did?"
Lexa is horrified at the idea of losing her brother and Abby is trying to talk to her but she won't listen she keeps talking "I don't think it's Clarke…I talked to her but she clearly has no clue of what she wants….well clearly she wants Finn and…God!"
"Lexa!" Abby tries again louder this time and succeeds in having her attention "you need to calm down"
"I'll try and find him meanwhile you need to keep Clarke safe" Abby smiles at Lexa, the brunette loves her daughter as when they were kids. She cares for her safety above anything.
Abby gets out of Lexa's office and walks to the guest room where Clarke is.
"Mom! I thought you're having lunch with Finn" She looks at her mother approaching then adds "Where is Finn?"
"He said he have some things to do so I didn't bother cooking" Abby lies.
Lexa keeps calling Finn and looking for him but to no avail then she remembers that he was nervous the other day when he came to her office building to get his envelope. Somehow she feels a little bit relieved thinking that it may be about what he found in the envelope and not the truth about her and Clarke which made him disappear.
The only places Lexa didn't look for him at are Anya's and Raven's apartments because she doesn't want her two best friends to know that something might wrong. She knows they will figure it out and blame her. But as the hours go by and Abby keeps calling to see if there's anything new, Lexa starts to seriously freak out and decides to first try at Raven's place.
When Raven opens the door she is surprised and happy to find that it is Lexa who is knocking.
"Finally"
Lexa smiles at her best friend, Raven seems worried but not angry at her which is a good sign.
"Is Finn here?"
"Yeah" Raven replies worried.
"Can I come in?" Lexa asks hesitantly.
"Of course" Raven replies stepping back so Lexa gets in.
Lexa walks into her best friend's apartment then when she sees a bag on the floor she looks at Raven "Is it his bag?"
Raven nods seriously. Lexa could tell she knows something or she is at least suspecting something but she is just trying to be neutral.
"Did he say something?"
Raven shakes her head "He won't talk to me"
As soon as Finn sees Lexa he spits out "Leave me alone"
When Raven hears Finn's reaction and his harsh tone she decides to take a walk and give them some privacy.
"No, I won't" Lexa replies firmly taking place next to him on the couch then adds '…why aren't you answering your calls?" Finn avoids to meet her eyes.
"You're drunk" She states smelling the alcohol "…tomorrow is your wedding and you're drunk"
"I said .Alone" Finn says angrily.
"I can't, you're my brother Finn"
"Brother!" Finn lets out a sarcastic laugh "…is it how you treat your brother? You betray him?'
"What are you talking about?" Lexa's heart stops but she acts like she doesn't know what he is talking about.
"You love Clarke" He says meeting her eyes for the first time since she came in "am I wrong?"
"You're marrying Clarke, she is your fiancé. You're marrying her" Lexa doesn't reply to Finn but choses to point the obvious not meeting his eyes.
"No, I'm not. Not anymore"
"What?" Lexa quickly manages to recollect herself from the shock.
"You heard me"
"No, I didn't and you are not leaving Clarke at the altar just because I love her" Lexa blurs out in panic "she chose you"
"She didn't have to choose that's why" Finn replies not surprised by what Lexa said.
"What?" Lexa asks confused.
"I know Alex, I know everything" Finn says.
"I'm sorry" Lexa apologizes.
"You know what out of everyone, Abby" Finn replies " is the only one who has respect for me, she didn't lie to me and she had the decency to tell me the truth. She respects me unlike you"
"Don't say that, Finn" Lexa replies.
"It's only the truth, Alex"
"No, it is not. I respect and love you. You're my family, my brother"
"I'm not" Finn's jaw greet "…it's not how it feels. You're just like Gustus, a selfish liar…manipulative who loves to control everyone around her. You could have told me you know!"
Finn's words hit Lexa hard, harder than anything anyone did. Before she can say anything in her defense Finn says harshly "LEAVE"
"I…please Finn. You can hate me all you want but don't hurt Clarke, don't leave her. She needs you...I'll disappear I'll do anything just don't ruin your wedding because of me….All I wanted to do is protect you" Lexa stutters feeling like she is going crazy, tears running down her cheeks.
Finn laughs angrily "Protect me. Are you kidding me? You love her so much, you're afraid that I might hurt her when leaving. Alex, you love her so much you're willing to protect her at the expense of your own happiness you're begging me Alex! Are you even aware of how deep you're? You're sacrificing us, our bond our family"
"No, I'm not" Lexa shakes her head wiping her tears.
"Yes you're…you just said you would disappear. Is it how you're protecting me? Do I mean that little to you? She means the world to you even more than your own family and yourself. Unbelievable" Finn shakes his head in disbelief "now you can dance with her outdoors without having to hide"
Lexa's eyes widen she can't believe what she is hearing, she is barely able to believe what's happening when Finn speaks again he breaks her heart "…and if you have at least one tiny bit of respect or love left for me, leave!"
The wedding day; Lexa's mansion;
Raven's eyes bulge, she never thought she would look at Anya this way. She never thought she would see Anya looking so gorgeous.
"Hey" Raven smiles at her best friend shamelessly eyeing her from head to toe.
"Hi" Anya smiles at her.
"You look spectacular"
Anya blushes, she was not expecting to hear Raven complimenting her.
"Thank you" Her only reply is even if she wants to tell Raven that she looks gorgeous too but decides to keep it for herself, things are weird enough between them.
Raven smiles at her best friend then looks away, she sees Lexa coming and she is grateful, she needs distraction anything that can help her keep her eyes away from Anya.
"Lexa" Raven smiles comforted with Lexa's presence.
"Raven, is Finn still at your place?" Lexa asks warily.
"No!" Raven replies "I thought he left with you yesterday"
"Thanks" Lexa says before leaving again. Raven was about to follow Lexa and ask her what's wrong when she hears a waitress flirting with Anya.
Truth be told, when Anya first admitted to her that she is interested in her more than just friendly, she felt weird and it took her by surprise a little bit but then she sat with herself and thought about it.
She never looked or thought at Anya like that, she was her straight best friend. She never saw her eyeing other women or saw her flirting with any. Sure, Raven checked her out and made comments about her butt from time to time but it was only friendly banter or so she thought at the time.
It all made sense to her, the constant bickering was due to the sexual tension pending between the two of them. She felt stupid at not figuring this out by herself and asking her out or just engaging in something with her.
Then, entertaining idea of Anya with someone else somehow made her feel something unpleasant. She realized she wouldn't want Anya to be with someone else. She hated all of Anya's boyfriends, and she is sure she will hate all her girlfriends now Anya is showing some interest in women.
Everything was a little bit less confusing and started to make sense for Raven which is why she tried and asked Anya to go to the wedding together but Anya refused and Raven felt a little bit hurt and now she is looking all gorgeous and Raven can't bring herself think straight.
She takes a deep breath thinking that she has to be subtle and show Anya that she really is interested in her too and she wants to give it a try. She regrets her reaction back at the club when Anya told her.
Clarke is standing in her white dress looking stunning. She can see from the window that everything is ready and all the guests are there waiting and now her mother is telling her that Finn won't come, that Finn left, that Finn knows everything. She can't bring herself to react, she stands there by the window speechless.
"Clarke, honey! Let's get you out of that dress" Abby pleads her daughter but Clarke is not listening to her anymore. She takes her phone and tries to call Finn, over and over again stubbornly choosing to not believe what her mother just told her or maybe she just hopes that Finn will tell her something but to no avail.
Clarke is in denial. How could Finn do that to her? Leave without even talking to her, she was ready to confide in him as her partner, her future husband but he left her at the alter.
Octavia gets in the room and walks towards Abby and whispers "Abby! You should be down there help Lexa with the guests"
"Would you stay?" Abby asks Octavia who nods.
Octavia doesn't know how to approach Clarke who is now staring in consternation at the window. But she does, she puts lightly her hand on her back and rubs it soothingly trying to get Clarke's attention back to reality and it works.
Clarke looks back at her best friend and lets out with a broken voice "What did I do"
Octavia stares back at Clarke not knowing what to answer "You told him about the kiss?"
Clarke shuts her eyes close and shakes her head "No, I wanted to but-" Clarke walks to the couch and sits before resuming "He didn't pick up my calls"
"What do you want now, Clarke?" Octavia asks warily, she knows it is too early to ask Clarke this question but she needs her to understand that despite the awful and painful move Finn did it was a good decision for both of them especially for her if she keeps going after Lexa.
"I need my dad with me" Clarke replies out of nowhere "He is good at comforting me"
Octavia heart breaks she didn't want Clarke to feel more terrible she wanted to help her figure out things "Clarke! Think what would Jake tell you to do?"
Clarke smiles as tears start flowing down her cheeks "He loved Lexa…he would tell me to choose her"
"Good! So what happened today is a good thing Clarke. You clearly still have feelings for her, don't be stupid. Now, I should tell you 'you should have talked to her, to Finn too and let the truth out' but now is not the time for the 'I told you so' Now is the time to get your shit together and do the right thing for you, be selfish…seek your own happiness but before you do that try and make things right with Finn"
Clarke looks at her best friend and hugs her, she spends a considerable time crying in her arms before she let her help her getting out of the white dress.
Lexa gathers all of her strength to tell the guests that the wedding is cancelled, it is not the easiest task but she has to do it. It is the least she can do after all. She walks to her two best friends first.
"I need your help, Finn left. There's no wedding and now I need to tell the guests the news" Lexa says in one breath making both Raven and Anya's eyes bulge.
"What?" Raven lets out "what did you tell him? What did you do Lexa?"
Both Anya and Raven looks at her accusingly "He was fine just yesterday"
"No, he was not" Lexa replies while Anya is looking at them confused.
Abby sees the three friends talking intensely and walks towards them, just as she arrives she hears Lexa asking aggravated "Are you going to help me or not?"
Raven says nothing and leaves, Abby frowns "What's going on?"
"Nothing" Lexa sighs "I can't do it by myself, I need the help of my best friends"
Anya looks at Lexa angrily and says "I am going to help you Lexa but later you have to tell me the truth and what was Raven talking about and why she is blaming you for what's happening"
Lexa takes a deep breath and nods "Thank you"
"I'm going to help" Abby offers and Lexa nods whispering a 'thank you'
Abby, Anya and Lexa did their best and informed all the guests that the wedding was called off. They politely apologized for not having all the answers to the guests' questions then when they have finished and there was only the two of them in the gardens, Lexa felt Anya grip at her wrist.
"Now you have to tell me what's going on, Lexa" Anya demands firmly.
"Not now, please! I need to see how Clarke is doing"
"You love her" Lexa states "I was right, wasn't I?" Anya looks at her best friend knowingly. Anya doesn't need her to answer. She knows she is right, she had never saw Lexa's eyes brighten up like when she was around Clarke. She never saw Lexa having heart eyes for anyone but for Clarke.
Lexa is silent, she feels ashamed at hiding the truth from her best friend, she looks away not meeting her best friend's eyes feeling her own eyes watering "She is the love of my life, Anya"
Anya lets her best friend's wrist free and wipes the tears away from her face "I'll leave and come back tomorrow so we can talk or I can stay if you need me"
Lexa can't help herself stepping closer to Anya and hugging her "Thank you for everything" She feels grateful at having Anya's support even if she lied to her even when she confronted her about it.
"Of course, what are friends for?" Anya replies smiling at her.
Lexa knocks lightly at the guest room's door when Abby opens it and let her in. The sight is devastating, Clarke is sitting only in her undies on the couch curled, eyes red and her mascara smudged all over her face. She is crying, Lexa feels her heart aching feeling guilty.
Abby looks at Lexa and gives her a swift nod before leaving the two women some privacy. She knows Lexa loves Clarke and she won't harm her so she leaves knowing that Clarke is safe.
"I'm sorry" Lexa says as she gets into the guest room.
"Why?" Clarke looks up at her, eyes filled with anger "did you know I'll get jilted on my wedding day?"
Lexa doesn't know what to respond frankly at that without making Clarke angrier at her than she already is.
"What did you tell him? That I was cheating?" Clarke keeps asking questions that Lexa doesn't know how to answer.
"I think he saw us dancing together" Lexa says omitting the part that Abby is the one who confirmed his doubts. She doesn't want Clarke to blame her mother, the only family member she has left.
"Finn would never do that, he would come and talk to me" Clarke disagrees.
"I'm sorry" Lexa apologizes again sitting next to Clarke to comfort her but Clarke moves away from her touch.
"I'm fine, don't touch me" Clarke sobs and Lexa feels her heart breaking. She tried to comfort Clarke but it seems that she was only making things worse feeling guilty for all what happened. So despite feeling the need to be at Clarke's sides and comfort her, Lexa knew that she has to give her some space.
Later that day, Clarke finally receives a text from Finn apologizing for leaving her at the alter saying that he couldn't do it after what happened between her and Lexa, he couldn't look at her or Lexa, and that he will need some time before he can talk about it.
His text makes Clarke cry only harder realizing that she hurt him, she hurt the man who loves and protects her. The man who was there for her when she had no one.
The next day;
Lexa walks to the kitchen to take a cup of coffee, today she is not going to work, today she is not even stocking to her usual schedule and today she doesn't care about anything but the pain she is feeling.
She should have listened to Titus when he told her to not let the past affect your future. She never meant for things to go as horrible as they did yesterday.
Everyone in the mansion spend a restless night, Lexa couldn't close her eyes thinking about Finn and Clarke. She doesn't know what she should do or not being the main reason for yesterday night's events.
Finn's words were haunting her all night long, she could handle all the possible insults but being like her father. Gustus who fucked up her life and Finn's too is far much worse of an insult.
Lexa tries to push the thoughts away, Finn maybe heartbroken and angry at her now but Clarke is the one being left. It broke Lexa's heart to see Clarke crying and it hurt her even more because she had no power to sooth her pains.
"Good morning" Lexa is brought by her thoughts by Abby's voice.
"How is she?" She can't say it is a good morning or wish for one, it would be stupid and all she cares about is Clarke.
"Asleep"
"Good" Lexa nods before adding "I'll have all the decorations removed today"
"No need to hurry, we're leaving" Abby replies breaking Lexa's heart.
"She took the job" Lexa states.
"It's not just that, she has nothing left here" Abby shakes her head then realizes what she just said. She could see pain in Lexa's eyes so she quickly rectifies "I mean, she doesn't have where to stay. After all, it is Finn's apartment"
Lexa nods appreciative of Abby's rectification "She can stay here! You can" Lexa suggests.
"I don't think it is a good idea, Lexa" Abby disagrees.
"I have a place down town, it is small but it fits the two of you"
"Thank you Lexa but Clarke needs to be somewhere else" Abby smiles at Lexa apologetically, she knows the brunette is feeling down and seeing Clarke leave again will tear her heart apart but she can't be a mother to both of them. She needs to be Clarke's mother for now.
Lexa looks down at her fingers fidgeting nervously at the cup in hands then looks back up at Abby tears blurring her green eyes.
"Thank you for doing that, for letting me know" Lexa says with a shaky voice.
"I did it so you can have your goodbye. I know Clarke maybe angry now and blaming you but don't let her push you away. She is hurt and processing everything that happened. She needs time to heal" Abby explains trying to reassure Lexa "you should talk to her before we leave"
"I'm the last person she wants to see" Lexa's lets out as a tear rolls down her cheek.
"Time will heal the wounds" Abby tries to comfort Lexa but she only makes it worse.
"Twenty years yet it didn't for us" She shakes her head.
"Here! Take this, you might need it one day" Abby pushes a folded paper in Lexa's hand who opens it then looks back at her with a soft smile "Thank you" Lexa says wrapping her arms around Abby's shoulders gratefully.
Lexa's hug takes Abby by surprise, she wasn't expecting it from her knowing that she never was good with showing her emotions. The least Abby could do is not let the two stubborn girls do the same mistake again.
"Keep it safe, I know you'll need it" Abby winks at Lexa once she let go of her.
"I will, soon" Lexa replies confidently.
Lexa went back to her bedroom feeling slightly better as now and this time around she has Abby at her side and it feels good and a little bit comforting after losing her brother. She knows she will have to give him some time to recover before she tries and apologizes and get him back in her life.
Lexa doesn't want to push her luck with Clarke. She knows Clarke blames her for all what happened and she has the right to and that's why she decides to not go and tell her goodbye even if she is dying in the inside.
In the other part of the mansion, Clarke is pacing in the guest room debating whether is it a good idea to talk to Lexa before they leave or not. But then she remembers the last time they left one another without saying goodbye and she couldn't bring herself do the same mistake again.
After all she knows she loves Lexa, she knows she wants her even if right now she doesn't want to see her. She is too angry to deal with her but she can't help herself walking in the direction of her bedroom.
She knocks lightly at the door of Lexa's room to let her presence known then walks in, when her eyes meet Lexa she blinks few times. Lexa just showered and blow dried her hair which is now cascading on her right shoulder and the sight is breathtaking.
Clarke doesn't miss the redness in Lexa's green eyes, she looks tired and in pain just like she is feeling. She feels guilty at thinking that she is the only one suffering. Clearly, Lexa lost what she has left of a family.
However she can't help staring silently at her then Clarke's lips curl in a barely noticeable smile and Lexa feels something warming her heart. She knows she shouldn't feel like that because Clarke is leaving.
"When do you leave?" Lexa lets out softly.
"Now" Clarke replies with a whisper in an apologetic tone. Lexa nods taking few steps ahead and so does Clarke, they need to hear each other's words.
"I am sorry" The words come out of Clarke's heart for no reason. For many reasons and Lexa just ignores them.
"Don't be!" She quickly replies adding "You have to go back to your life"
Clarke smiles she wasn't apologizing for leaving she was apologizing for everything that happened to them, everything that led them to where they are now.
A silence settles, a comfortable silence they both need to drink the sight of each other Clarke is looking at Lexa's features and then her eyes trails Lexa's hair, she wants to caress it, it looks beautiful but she is interrupted by her thoughts when Lexa breaks the silence.
"I never meant to turn you into this, I hoped you'd stay but-" Lexa shrugs and before she can continue Clarke interrupts "I can't but maybe someday you and I…we can be friends again, we can overcome this" Clarke gestures between the two of them at the invisible yet so palpable tension caused by the pain and desire.
Lexa smiles weakly at the idea "I hope so" She lets out in a shaky voice, her eyes full of unshed tears. She pushes her hand for Clarke to shake as they used to do when they were kids, Clarke looks down at her hand and smiles she takes it then she hears Lexa "May we meet again".
Her eyes widen looking at green teary eyes despite the tears blurring them she could see something so familiar, something strong and beautiful evoking her.
Lexa is the one to close the distance, not letting go of Clarke's hand while with her other hand she cups her face pressing her lips gently against Clarke's pink ones.
The kiss is gentle first Lexa doesn't want to scare Clarke away. She needs her to read the kiss, to understand the emotions behind it, the apologies, the love, the missing, everything. But then she feels something wet against her cheek and she realizes 'Clarke is crying' She parts from the kiss looking into her blue eyes.
If Clarke came to her to say goodbye she might as well let her know "I love you Clarke" She says it remembering Abby's words about the fact that a kiss is not enough.
Clarke looks at Lexa's eyes and she can't bring herself to react, Lexa just told her that she loves her and this is all deep inside she was wishing for and now she has to leave. Lexa wipes her tears away from Clarke's cheeks and cups her face showering it with tender kisses before reconnecting their lips once again.
The kiss this time lasts longer and Clarke is reciprocating, wrapping her arms around Lexa's shoulders and deepening the kiss. When Lexa finally pulls back she whispers against her lips "Stay, please" Clarke feels an ache in her heart and steps back.
"I'm sorry..emm…I can't. I'm not ready" Clarke stutters shaking her head "Not yet" She smiles weakly at Lexa who nods "I'll wait".