Azusa: The following is a fan-written parody. Ranma ½ is property of Rumiko Takahashi, Studio Deen, Shogakukan, Viz Media, and Madman Entertainment. Please support the official release and cute Azusa, okay?

The Key to a Successful Interview is a Good First Impression!
The Third Sino-Japanese War 1: Mock Battle

Don't eat the Moo Goo Gai Pan.

[10.]

Hidden in the mountains of Central China is the walled village of Nyucheizu, home to the Joketsuzoku or Women Warriors–who live slightly isolated from the rest of the world.

It was here that the worst of Ranma's Jusenkyo Curse troubles began, when he ate from a feast reserved for the champion of a martial arts tournament going on at the time–and summarily beat the champion of the tournament when she attacked him for it.

Had Ranma been male at the time, his propensity to throw down then ask questions later probably would've ended happily in this case. Joketsuzoku law, however, called for a defeated warrior to relentlessly pursue then ruthlessly murder her opponent if they were an outsider woman.

And so Ranma spent the better part of two weeks making his way from central China to Japan while being attacked by Shampoo every single day.

Kicking her ass on every occasion only made it worse, contrary to Genma's encouragement.

Hopping on the first boat to Japan, Ranma and his Father sagged in relief as they thought that it meant the end of Shampoo's antagonism. Surely Joketsuzoku Law did not literally mean "To the ends of the Earth", they thought.

Boy, were they wrong.

As the boat carrying her quarry steamed off to the horizon, a bruised and bloodied Shampoo opened her eyes and sat up on the pier she'd been left on. She'd ambushed Ranma as she was boarding the boat, but she did that thing where she dodged all of her attacks and got her with the ol' one-hitter-quitter.

"How can an outsider be that strong?" she asked aloud as she slowly got up on her feet and found that difficult since her legs now had the consistency of jelly.

She rested her hand against the side of her head, and struggled against the waves of nausea washing over her. Oh how nice, she had a concussion to boot.

"She is too, too strong for me," she moaned in pain and frustration. "How… do I beat that?"

"Clearly, you have a trip ahead of you."

Shampoo turned and looked back to find her Great Grandmother, Cologne, approach her with the aid of a walking stick.

The very short, very aged woman looked towards the departing ship and hummed. "That girl fights with an ability that can only have come from well over a decade of experience. She was trained by a very skilled teacher probably from her first footsteps."

Shampoo grimaced. "Shampoo train just as long."

"Within the walls of Nyucheizu, yes," Cologne pointed out. "That girl however has experienced a great deal more than you have, and it shows in her skill. To improve as a martial artist and have a chance at defeating her, you must pursue similar experience."

Cologne looked to her left on the busy pier. When Shampoo followed her gaze, she spied another freighter, bearing a Thai flag. "You will board that ship, and begin your own training journey."

Shampoo stared at the old, unassuming freighter, and then looked to her Great Grandmother. "Where will that ship take me? Great Grandmother?"

Cologne looked up to her young Great Granddaughter, and answered plainly.

"To Hell, child."

It took Akane only a total of a month and a half to fully recover from her injuries thanks to the magic fingers of Doctor Tofu. In that time, a grossly incompetent Immigrations Officer was fired from her job and scores of visas handed out during her period of employment were revoked and hundreds of foreigners living in the country on said visas were immediately rounded up then arrested and/or deported a pair of penniless nerds and their Sony-built robot girl, Bob Sapp, Wayne motherfucking Brady, and half of Okinawa.

The scandal involved in the hiring of one Mihoshi Kuramitsu, who was found to be an illegal alien herself (and how!), created a nationwide scandal that saw a complete liquidation of the entire organization and the not so honorable suicide of the Bureau Chief that took him and about three hundred unlucky bastards aboard the airliner with him straight into the next life. It wasn't all bad; one of the survivors of the crash would go on to become a major in Japan's secret Cyborg Internet police of the future.

Thanks to that poorly set-up series of shout-outs, Akane and Ranma managed to avoid the wrath of one very volatile instance of Shampoo immediately following the end of the Golden Pair fight thanks to the timely efforts of Japan's reorganized Immigration Bureau, which had promptly snatched her up and put her on the next boat back to China–heavily sedated. However, with all problems that needed to be addressed at home, Ranma missed a lot of this very important and helpful-to-know-in-hindsight news.

"Don't tell me we're having takeout again," he lamented as he saw Kasumi poring over the menus laid out before her.

Kasumi looked up and gave him an apologetic smile. Financially, things were tight for the Tendo dojo thanks to the destruction of the ice rink, and while paradoxically ordering takeout would seem like the last thing one strapped for cash would do, it was actually cheaper than buying the quality (and quantity) of food meant to feed four Tendos plus two Saotomes.

"I'm afraid so, until there's a good sale or our income rebounds it'll be takeout," she replied.

Ranma felt kind of bad, well he felt a lot of bad, and not because he'd be stuffing his face with takeout tonight instead of her wonderful cooking. The fight and its devastation was his fault, and now everyone was paying for it.

Sighing, he sat down and looked at the menus. "Man, this is so lame. I wish there was someway I could help out money-wise."

Kasumi picked up a particular menu and examined it; a new place had opened up, the Cat Café, as it was advertised across the front of it. Unaware of the ominous implications contained within, she began to check out the items. That it was fairly new gave Kasumi an idea. "You know, Ranma-kun, you could ask if any of these places are hiring for part-timer work."

That was not a bad idea at all. Sitting up, he looked over to Kasumi and said as much. "Thanks, Kasumi! Why didn't I think of that sooner?"

"Because you're inherently self-centered and lack common sense?" she asked lightly.

If it weren't for the fact that it was Kasumi who just said that, he'd be offended. "You can be pretty snippy for a woman from Stepford," Ranma replied, surprising Kasumi. Who would've thought that someone like him would've seen that movie?

She smiled. "I had no idea your tastes in film were so foreign."

He picked up the Cat Café menu. Despite the twinge of fear he got from scanning the cover, he was still warm to the idea. "Get a job, huh?"

Happy to no longer need crutches and be free of the bandages and casts that swathed her body during her recovery, Akane was more than happy to accompany Ranma out on his job hunt. A month and a half from being first bedridden and doted over for days to being too sore and irritated by her healing injuries to so much as steal a kiss had her eager for some alone time with Ranma. She brought the subject up as they walked along towards their destination.

"It's nice to have some privacy, you know," she said, "The last month had me crawling up a wall."

Ranma nodded. "Yeah, I know." He then struck a pose as he walked. "You've gone so long without this hard body, I'd be half-crazy too if I were you."

Akane jabbed him in the side, and he hopped away chuckling. "I really mean it, though." She insisted. "I mean I would like, for once, to spend an entire night with you. No you sneaking into my room, or having to be quiet when we do it or having to settle with getting pounded under a bridge like a whore."

The very thought made Ranma blush as he looked at Akane. "We never did that!"

Akane stopped, and blushed herself. "We didn't? Well… ahem…" She coughed and spoke loudly. "The point is!" Her tone softened. "I'd like to go to sleep and wake up in your arms…"

"Well…" Ranma shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know, maybe if I start making enough money with a job, we could… get a hotel for a few nights or whatever."

He looked at her closely as she brightened up at the notion, before adding. "If you got a job too, we could probably get a cheap apartment or something."

An apartment, the very thought of such independence excited and frightened Akane at the same time. Sayuri and Yuka lived on their own as roommates, what with the former's parents living overseas and the latter estranged from her mother due to a stepfather she didn't get along with. While they were supported by Sayuri's parents for the necessities, they were on their own for nearly everything else. She envied them for having all of that freedom, but was confident she didn't know the first thing about living on her own.

"No, no… it'd be no good," Akane said, "If we moved out, we wouldn't even know what to do. I mean, I don't even know how to cook."

Ranma hummed. "You don't?"

Akane proceeded to make the understatement of the century. "Well, I'm not very good at it."

They reached the Cat Café and the conversation was shelved for another time. The entrance of the building along intimidated Ranma something fierce, just the sign alone invoked memories that Ranma didn't want to tread down. "H-here we are…"

Akane rolled her eyes. "Relax Ranma, this is a Chinese restaurant, the only cats you're going to find are in the Moo Goo Gai Pan."

"That's an urban legend!" Ranma exclaimed, suddenly afraid of Moo Goo Gai Pan now.

"Nuh-uh…" The two walked inside, and as soon as they were past the threshold, they were greeted by a tiny, white-haired old woman standing behind the front register on a stool. Seeing the two, she regarded them warmly.

"Hello, and welcome to the Cat Café, children," she spoke.

"Hello!" Akane chirped back, "We're here because the newspaper said you were looking to hire a delivery boy. My boyfriend is your man."

Hearing this, Cologne brightened. "Yes, I am Cologne, proprietor of this establishment." She introduced herself in much better Japanese (English if you're reading this dubbed) than her granddaughter. She bowed to both and then turned to Ranma. "You are here for a job, yes young man?"

"Yes," Ranma replied, "Whatever you need me to do, I'm the strongest, fastest guy in town after all."

Cologne chuckled. "I heard that boast from the last job-seeker who came here."

"Well he's a damn liar because he's not me," Ranma pointed a thumb at himself. Akane rolled her eyes, and Cologne laughed again.

"Oh, so you are a cocky young man, I see. Then let us see you back up your mouth with a trial."

Ranma smiled. A trial she said? This'll be easy. "All right, what is this trial?"

"You must make a delivery," Cologne replied as she produced a receipt from her sleeve and then pointed over to the bag of food waiting on the table, "You must make it as quickly as possible, and get the food to the customer intact."

Ranma checked the receipt, which listed an address in Minato. Hey, he knew where that was! "Sounds easy… but what's the catch?"

"You will be competing against our resident delivery girl," if you can get there before her then you will most certainly get the job."

Ranma smirked. "A race, huh? Challenge accepted."

"Still confident? I like that," Cologne said, "Let's hope you can even get to the address on the order." She looked over. "Granddaughter, get ready! We have a new hire who thinks he can cut it."

Ranma and Akane froze. "Granddaughter?" they asked together, before the doors to the kitchen opened. When he saw who came out the door, Ranma became petrified where he stood, his eyes widening in horror.

"Oh shit," he thought when he saw Shampoo walk in with a bicycle loaded with an order of food.

"Nihao, and welcome to Cat Café!" She said as she walked over with a tray held to her chest. "I am opponent, Shampoo."

Ranma blurted his shock out without thinking. "Oh my God!"

Akane stared at Shampoo, and then looked at Ranma, horrified. No way, was that really her? Oh shit, this was bad, if she recognized him…

As she pondered the scope of the disaster that would follow (oh she had no idea), Shampoo blinked in confusion. Ranma quickly, albeit clumsily, recovered. "I-I mean… you're from that village… J-Joketsuzoku!"

Akane whipped her attention from Shampoo back to her lover in disbelief as he sputtered in panic. There was no way she was going to fall for that shit…

"Do Shampoo know you?" She gave him a closer look. Pigtail, blue eyes, and that face… it looked familiar, almost too familiar.

As he fell under further scrutiny, he quickly fell upon the tried and true tactic of gross flattery. "N-no, but you're Shampoo, the strongest warrior in the village! I heard about you w-while backpacking through Ch-China! I heard that you were a looker, but I had no idea you were this gorgeous!"

Mission accomplished. Shampoo's eyes grew wide in surprise and she giggled bashfully. "Oh, you hear of Shampoo? Stop, you is making Shampoo blush!"

Thank the Gods, she didn't recognize him. Ranma could make this work, he could!

Cologne's smile was full of mischief. "My, my… being so bold as to flatter my granddaughter in front of your own lover, hm?"

"Hey, I can't fault him for being right," Akane said casually, and Shampoo's face erupted into a proper blush.

"Ai-yah… you flatter Shampoo too, too much!" she cooed with her hands on her cheeks. "Shampoo is liking you both!" She then smirked. "But don't think Shampoo is going easy on you."

"I'd rather you didn't, I like a fair fight," Ranma replied as they headed out to the front door.

Shampoo climbed onto her bike and kicked up the stand. "Just try keep up, last new hire didn't make it to address, got lost."

Cologne shook her head. "Which still baffles me to this day, how does someone get lost delivering to an address straight down the street?"

Both Ranma and Akane looked at each other. Cologne clapped her hands together. "Chop-chop, that food isn't going to deliver itself!"

"Yes Great Grandma!" Like a rifle bullet, Shampoo was out of the restaurant, her speed causing Ranma to nearly stumble back. Far from intimidated, Ranma grinned and rushed out himself. Bad as the situation was, this might actually be a little fun.

Who knew, maybe if he made a good enough impression, she wouldn't want to kill him!

As the two left, Akane was of the same mind as looked over to Cologne. "You wouldn't happen to need waitresses, would you?"

"Of course dear, would you like to fill out an application?" Cologne asked.

A pedestrian trying to get into his car, a van making a turn, a few cars waiting at a stoplight, and a woman on a yellow Vespa were sent hurtling through the air as Shampoo raced down the street on her bicycle, oblivious to the destruction she wrought. She rode clean through a brick wall, and ran over a pervert attempting to rape a woman in her yard before plowing through another wall to get back onto a street.

"Shampoo make good time," she said as she checked a GPS with one hand, her distraction from the road causing her to miss the sports car she cut in half riding through it. "Poor new hire, no way he win."

She looked up, and saw to her surprise Ranma already way ahead of her, hopping from rooftop to rooftop with his bag of food safe in hand. Looking back, he waved to her before he sped up, opening the distance considerably.

Shampoo smiled and licked her lips. "Oh New Hire is fast… Shampoo like."

Picking up speed, she rode up and over another hapless pedestrian to launch herself up onto the top of a telephone pole. Landing on just the front tire with the precision even the best X-Games cyclist couldn't even dream of, Shampoo leaped off it and onto another roof, landing right next to Ranma. "Nihao!"

Ranma looked over to her, not at all surprised that she could catch up so easily. "Hey, about time you caught up."

"New Hire got style and substance; after race, you go out with Shampoo?" She wasted no time with subtlety, it seemed. Ranma glanced ahead; he was running out of roof.

"I'd love to, but I'm spoken for!" He reached the end of the roof and sprung off it as Shampoo went over it and crashed bike first through the side of another building.

Landing on the rooftop, Ranma vaulted, flipped, and scrambled over the vents, turbines, and air conditioner units littered across it before jumping again and landing on a power line. "Huh… this should take me straight to Minato."

He turned and began running along it, careful to jump over the towers that connected the lengths of line. There was no sign of Shampoo, and that bothered him rather than relieved her. Where was she?

"Showoff New Hire say spoken for, but New Hire girlfriend liked what she saw too."

Her voice nearly made him take a fall, before he whirled about to stare at her; she was riding on the wire adjacent to his, feet up on the handlebars as she recalculated her route on her GPS. Who the deuce was SHE calling a showoff?

"So!" Shampoo called to him. "You is okay with three-way?"

Ranma grinned, like hell was she going to take him off his game. "You wish! We're happily monogamous!"

Shampoo put her feet back on the pedals after assessing her route and sighed dramatically. "The cute ones always taken, no fair."

She placed a hand over her eyes. "It so sad. Shampoo end life now, bye."

She leaned over and pitched off the wire, falling to the ground below. His eyes widening, Ranma did not hesitate to throw himself after her.

"Hey, wait!" He yelled, and in mid-fall he realized his error. Shampoo had landed on the back of a truck in a busy freeway, and was waving to him as it took her away at a high rate of speed. Landing on his feet, he watched her go and stomped his foot. "Clever girl…"

Wait a minute, she landed on a truck in a freeway, and he followed her, so… "Oh shit."

He didn't even bother to look back, instead opting to roll out of the way of the car that nearly ran him over. Getting up onto his feet, he jumped clear of another car, flailing his arms in a panic. On the second he planted his feet on the dotted line, doubled over, he snapped back and stood rigid like steel to avoid being clipped by the two trucks that passed him side by side.

"Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!" he yelled as he jumped over another car and the deranged bat-wielding youth on roller blades pursuing it. Landing, he timed it better and jumped again, landing on the roof of another truck and holding on as it sped down the road.

That no one seemed to have been disrupted by the fact there was a human being in the road baffled him. Tokyo drivers were insane.

"That was close," he muttered, "But how am I gonna keep up with Shampoo?"

Spying some more power lines stretching over the side of the freeway, Ranma got an idea. "Yeah… that could work."

On the back of her truck, Shampoo was in the midst of checking her makeup at sixty miles per hour. The new hire sure was cute, but Shampoo's competitiveness would not be denied. A shame, it would've been nice to work alongside a slab of Kobe Beef like him. As she examined her eyeliner in her compact mirror, she noticed right in the corner the advancing shape of Ranma.

"Tenacious like D, Shampoo like more," Shampoo said.

Oh, it would appear that he was going to try something exceptionally reckless. Sure enough, he struck, jumping onto the wire as the truck reached it, and causing it to stretch far out. "Why New Hire do that?"

His feet and one hand on the wire, Ranma held on tightly as reached the apex of tension and snapped back, sending him back towards the road below. As it reached the end of its sag, he swung himself to the other side and grinned. "Three… two… one…"

The cable snapped the other way, firing Ranma like a missile off the Freeway and over rooftops and streets. "BANZAI!"

"Oh wow, holy shit," Shampoo said as he became a dot in the distance. Wait a minute, he was headed for…

"Oh damn, New Hire beat Shampoo!"

Ami Mizuno, student, Sailor Senshi, and part-time cameo, looked up with a start when something slammed into the side of her apartment. This was just what she needed, another idiot sneaking onto her balcony. Getting up, she walked over to the patio door and opened it, one hand on her phone to send a call to the Police. Instead, she was presented with an intact bag of food.

"Uh hi, is this your order?" Ranma asked as he checked the receipt. Wow, that was a lot of food. He handed it to her.

Ami took it and her eyes widened. How did her delivery man end up on her balcony eight stories up? "Y-yes it is thank you… how did you end up on my balcony?"

Ranma grinned. "I'm a martial artist."

That actually left her with more questions, but oh well.

As she handed him the money, her weird day became weirder when Shampoo rode her bike up and over the side of the balcony, landing right alongside Ranma. "Nihao!"

Staring at the girl, and then peering over the side, Ami looked back. "Hello."

"Well, New Hire win and get job." Shampoo turned to the baffled cameo and handed her the food she brought along. "Thank you for part helping train new hire. You is getting double food free."

"Oh! Oh… um… thank you…?" How did she get up here? How did both of them get up here? She really wanted to ask them. As she scrutinized Ranma, she stopped and recognized him. "Excuse me, have we met before?"

Ranma stopped and blinked as Shampoo did the same. "Huh?"

Ami nodded. "Yes, I have seen you before, or someone like you. Did you by chance go to 'You Can (Not) Leave'? Or by chance have a sister who went…?"

Oh crap, she was the girl who loaned him the Rei costume! Before she could press further, Ranma hopped up onto the balcony's edge and waved. "I don't have a sister, sorry! Anyway you're welcome. If you want good food for a great price and in record time, call the Cat Café!"

"Wait!" Ami cried as Ranma jumped away.

Shampoo grinned. He was a natural. "Wait for Shampoo, New Hire!"

To Ami's uninterrupted shock, the girl was gone too, pitching over the balcony and falling after Ranma multiple stories to land on another rooftop before both raced off from roof to roof back towards Nerima in the west. Standing there, as she finally managed to rein in her surprise; Ami looked down at the extra food and then turned to head inside.

The girls were not going to believe this one.

Well, Usagi would.

"So, what does your benefits package look like?" Akane asked as she looked over the job application with Cologne, both enjoying cups of steaming hot tea.

"I offer dental insurance, and paid holiday for training journeys and rescue arcs," Cologne replied.

Oh, that was convenient. "What about the opportunity for raises?"

"Employee evaluation is every six months, depending on performance you can stand to gain anything from ten to fifty percent pay increase," the old crone answered.

"My, that's generous!" Akane exclaimed as she continued to fill out her form. A voice called from the back.

"You lying hag! You said you weren't going to give anyone raises!" Cologne sighed and got up from her chair to go into the back. "Hey, what are you doing-?!"

Akane winced as the sound of repeated blows sounded. Cologne then spoke. "I said no raise for you, you worthless buffoon! Now shell that shrimp or I'll put you in the freezer!"

She returned and sat down. Addressing Akane's somewhat horrified stare, she explained herself. "That boy is an idiot. You understand, yes?"

"Ah…" Akane nodded. "Yeah, I know all about idiots."

At that moment a triumphant Shampoo walked her bike into the restaurant. "Hey Great Grandma, you hire now, yes?"

Cologne looked over. "Oh, so he defeated you?"

Shampoo nodded, but she was not at all upset by the loss much. "Yeah, New Hire do job very quick and make Shampoo too, too jealous. Big time tip grabber in making."

Ranma strolled in, his hands raised in victory. "Piece of cake, that's all!"

Getting up, Akane walked over to him, smiling. "That's great!" She captured him in a hug. "I'm so happy for you, darling. I signed up for a job here, too."

"Oh yeah?" When Akane nodded, Ranma grinned. "Cool!"

Shampoo pouted. "You is making life so hard for Shampoo."

Cologne made her way over, smiling herself, especially at the pout Shampoo gave when Akane glommed onto Ranma. "Well done, new hire. Familiarize yourself with maps or buy yourself a GPS, you and your lovely fiancé start the day after tomorrow at nine am."

Ranma performed a salute as he looped his other arm around Akane's waist and led her to the door. "You got it, boss. We won't be late!"

"You're fine with this?" Akane asked as they walked away from the Cat Café, Ranma's arm around her waist. "We are working at the last place you want to be if you don't want her trying to kill you."

"I know, I know, but hear me out: if we spend enough time with her and rub off on her, she'll warm up enough to the point that when she finds out I'm the outsider, she'll be reluctant to kill us."

Akane hummed. "I was actually thinking the same thing, yeah."

Ranma smiled. "See, that's how I know that this is a good idea. You had the same one."

Akane smiled back and pressed against him. "Or maybe we just know what each other is thinking?"

"Oh, I like the thought of that more," Ranma replied as he nuzzled her, making her squeal happily.

At that moment a car was coming up the street, and inside the car the driver took a sip of a soda he got from a fast-food restaurant.

"Diet soda? I HATE THAT SHIT! AHHHHHHH!" He yelled as he pitched it out the window, to hit Ranma square in the face.

To Akane's shock, the cup split open and Ranma was splashed. Now quite female, Ranma stared incredulously at the car as it kept going, before turning to Akane. "What the fuck?"

The fuck happened to come along in the form of Shampoo riding her bike towards them. After having gotten a good feeling about both Ranma and Akane, she had decided to spend the rest of her day hanging out with the two instead of hunting down her nemesis slash prey. "Hey New Hires wait up! Shampoo is wanting to hang out with you, yes?"

She screeched to a halt when she spotted Ranma in female form, as Akane froze in horror. Ranma's horror was less of the frozen and more of the uncontrolled trembling variety as Shampoo's expression evolved from bubbly and amicable to cold and murderous with a hint of psychotic fury as she acquired her long pursued prey. Dismounting from her bike, and setting down the kickstand, she turned to face her, and drew from out of nowhere a large, curved sword on the end of a rope.

"Ranma, you die now." She said.

Words from the Author: Oh crap, a genuine story arc!