Warnings: Smut (just a recap from the last chapter, sorry) and much angst. This is a short chapter, apologies for that but I'll make it up to you by posting the next chapter sooner than normal.
Chapter Ten:
Revelations and Heartache
When they broke apart for air Anna was shocked to find that somewhere along the line they'd both lost their clothing. How did that happen? Anna thought in a daze. It really didn't matter at this point, Elsa's mouth was on her neck, sucking, licking and biting, making Anna arch and curl her fingers into the sheets below, all rational thought was thrown out the window. That mouth began to descend, as hands reached up to play with the fleshy mounds on Anna's chest. Her hips bucked furiously as a warm mouth latched onto the hardened nub that sat atop of her supple breast. Elsa's free hand danced over the skin on Anna's navel, traveling lower to skim through the fiery curls that hid her most prized possession from view. Those long, elegant fingers slid down even further, the wetness Anna was producing coating each digit it came into contact with. Anna gasped as she felt a single finger slip deeper into that moisture, a cadence of pleasure began to build up, higher and higher until…
…Anna sat bolt upright as she panted heavily, trying to catch her breath. She peered down at Elsa, still sleeping she thought with relief. Her placed a hand over her clothed chest, willing her heart to slow down. "Just a dream" She muttered to herself. "Just a dream." She sighed. She flopped back down on the bed and tried to ignore the heated throbbing between her legs. She rolled away from Elsa and groaned. She couldn't believe she'd just dreamt about doing that with her sister. She'd had her fair share of erotic dreams before, but none of them had ever been that detailed, nor had they ever felt so real and they had never featured Elsa before. Anna cursed herself and tried to push those thoughts out of her mind. She closed her eyes and pleaded with the gods to grant her a dreamless sleep.
Anna awoke the next morning with a foggy head, her mind still replaying that dream as she desperately tried to forget it. She heard Elsa stretch and yawn beside her.
"Morning princess," She said, "how'd you sleep last night?"
"Fine." Squeaked Anna before clearing her throat several times, trying to get it to drop an octave or two. "I mean, fine." She repeated, her voice almost at its normal register. "You?"
"Good, actually, did you have pleasant dreams last night?" Elsa asked innocently.
"What?" Anna blurted in shock. Did her sister know?
"I asked if you had any good dreams but the blush on your face seems to be answering for me." Elsa quipped.
Anna cupped her cheeks with her palms and sure enough, they were on fire. "Oh… heh. Yeah, I guess I did." No, no, no! Why did you say that? Now she's going to ask for details!
"Ooh, has someone got a crush?" The blonde teased.
"No!" Anna exclaimed, a little too fast and too loud to be entirely convincing, although Anna herself wasn't too sure what this was either.
"Liar! Come on, tell me! I'm your sister, you have to tell me, queen's orders." The blonde demanded.
"Gah! Can we just drop this please?" Anna huffed, jumping out of bed, only to become tangled in the sheets as she rather ungracefully fell to the floor. After a moment of thrashing about she finally managed to free herself and stomped her way to the bathroom. She closed the door a little too hard, causing it to slam and she turned on the shower and stripped. She jumped under the water as soon as it was ready, scrubbing at her face with her hands, trying to clear her mind.
God, she was still so confused and now she was having erotic dreams about her sister! What the? As the water cascaded down her back, Anna recounted all the times these feelings had plagued her to see if she could make sense of them all.
The first time was in the hospital, when she kissed Elsa's lips. But surely that was just because she had been through such emotional turmoil over the last few weeks leading up to that moment, that her body was just responding with relief and sisterly affection… right?
It kind of happened again the next day in hospital after Elsa had woken up. After that it was just the other week when Elsa confessed her love to Anna and Anna had actually tried to kiss her. That memory made butterflies flutter pleasantly in her stomach, it made her heart twitch happily and she felt a dopey smile light up her face.
She had wanted to kiss her again when was doing Elsa's hair too, it was so hard for her to resist in that moment.
Then of course there was that dream last night and man-oh-man what a dream that was! Hot and heavy and Elsa's naked body… well, just the thought of it made Anna drool and want to lick every bare inch with her tongue… wait, what? No, no, nope. Those thoughts were going to stop right here, right now. There was no way in a million years, that she was going to continue with that line of thinking. Not. A. Chance.
"You okay Anna?" Elsa questioned once the redhead was dried and decent and had made her way downstairs for breakfast.
"Huh? Oh, yeah. Peachy."
Elsa gave her a quizzical look at her choice of words but chose to overlook her sister's awkwardness, it was one of the things Elsa loved most about her, that and the way she rambled when she's flustered. "Did you have a nice shower?" She asked, trying to get a conversation going, it was peculiar for her sister to be quiet, it usually meant something was troubling her.
"Yep." She replied in short.
"Anna, are you sure you're okay? You're not acting like yourself." Elsa asked with concern, she hated the thought that there was something upsetting her sister.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Actually Els, how would you feel if I went to Pabbie's alone this morning? I just need some space to clear my head." Anna was hoping her sister wouldn't be too upset on missing out on the outing, and quite frankly Anna was a little uneasy about leaving Elsa alone for the first time since she got home from hospital. But she really needed to clear her head and she needed the space to think without the object of her desire – wait, no – confusion, being right there.
"Oh," she couldn't help but hear the slight disappointment in her voice and the sinking feeling in her stomach as she began to wonder if she'd done something wrong. "Have, have I done something to upset you Anna?"
"What? No! Oh my god, no. Of course not," Anna rushed over to Elsa and pulled her into a tight hug. "I promise, you haven't done anything, I just need to have some time alone, to figure things out by myself, okay? Please don't worry, I'm fine, it's nothing really, just a bit of confusion I need to sort out. That's all." Anna pulled away after giving her sister a quick kiss to the forehead and just hoped that Elsa understood.
"Okay. Just promise me that if anything ever upsets you, that you'll come and talk to me about it, okay?"
"Always." Anna replied, taking her sister's hand and giving it a comforting squeeze.
Anna walked into the familiar coffee shop, the short stroll alone had helped ease some of her nerves but her head was still fighting its internal war.
"Hey Anna," Chimed the brunette barista, "the usual two hot chocolates today?" She asked.
"Hi Belle, no, just the one today please." Anna ordered with a slightly nervous smile.
"Sure thing, you go sit down and I'll bring it out to you shortly. It's on the house today." Belle replied returning Anna's smile.
"Aww, thanks!" Anna turned and walked to a quiet table inside, as much as she would have loved to clear her head by the lake, the freezing temperatures were too much for Anna and she was forced to take shelter inside the heated café.
Shortly Belle returned with Anna's drink and placed it on the table before her.
"Is your girlfriend not joining you today?" Belle queried.
"M-my what?" Asked Anna confused, the only person she came here with was Elsa and on the rare occasion, Joan.
"Yeah, the incredibly beautiful platinum blonde you're always here with." Belle stated as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"She's not-, we're not-, she-, heh." Spluttered Anna, her face redder than an over-ripe tomato.
"Oookay… I see that I've hit a never here, I'm just going to go now…" And with that Belle slinked away.
Anna groaned and scrubbed her face with her hands. Why didn't she just correct the girl? Set her straight? It's not like she had anything to be ashamed about, they were only sisters after all…
Anna folded her arms together on the table and flopped her head down. What the hell was going on with her? Firstly, kissing her sister whilst she was unconscious, then kissing her in the heat of the moment -in bed no less and then almost kissing her again in the snow? She thought back to that almost-kiss and suddenly felt disappointed that it didn't happen… wait, what?
And, god that dream, that dream had made her wake up feeling warm and tingly and there was most definitely a wetness down below. In fact, just thinking about that dream was sending pleasant tingles down Anna's spine. She unconsciously licked her lips as her sister's naked form flashed beneath her eye lids.
Anna sat up with a start.
"What the?" She muttered out loud.
She thought back to that night in the hospital again and how she felt she was lying next to Elsa. She remembered the butterflies in her stomach, the way her body tingled, the warmth and tenderness she felt as she stroked her sister's face. The way her heart beat faster as she placed a loving kiss on her cheek and the way it fluttered when she kissed those full lips.
She thought of the love she felt when she was with Elsa, the feeling of safety and warmth and home. She felt like it didn't matter what happened to them or where they were, as long as they were together everything was going to be okay.
Anna smiled as she heard her sister singing in her mind, the way her voice tinkled like a beautiful melody. How when Elsa read to Anna, it made her relax entirely and how she always felt a calming peace even though she didn't always listen to the words.
She thought about how happy it made her when the first thing she saw each morning was those cobalt orbs staring into her own. How when she was away with Hans, her boyfriend, the one she thought she loved, and yet, all she could think about was Elsa. How Hans had pushed himself on Anna so many times and yet she lived with a woman who was head over heels in love with her and she never made a single advance.
She remembered the pride she felt when Elsa first opened up to her and the absolute elation that filled her heart when Elsa sang to her.
Anna's face blossomed into a huge grin as she felt her heart flutter and clench within her chest. The skin below her fingertips yearned to hold Elsa's hand again, to cradle her soft cheeks in her palm, to brush over those heated lips.
Anna placed her fingers over her own lips, her smile spreading from ear to ear as the memory of their almost-kiss flittered into her mind again. She giggled like a school girl before sitting bolt upright unstintingly as a sudden realisation hit her.
She had feelings, romantic feelings for Elsa.
Not just because of her words or her actions, but strong feelings for the girl herself.
There it was, clear as day, the answer to everything, it was painfully obvious.
A thrilling nervousness flooded her body. She was falling for her sister.
Her stomach twisted and turned, flip-flopping about. She didn't know if she felt elated or gassy, but she was somewhere in the zone, because she knew, for the first time in forever, she wouldn't be alone. Not that she was alone most of the time, Elsa was always there but this was different. This could be something, a real something, something that could possibly be forever.
Now she was nervous.
"Gah, what am I going to do?" She grumbled to herself.
Should she tell Elsa? What was she going to say? Was she sure this was the real deal, or was this just a fleeting fancy?
Taking a sip of her temporarily forgotten beverage, Anna decided that the best course of action was to wait. To make sure these feelings were true. She didn't want to hurt Elsa if this turned out to be something else, she couldn't bear the thought of breaking her sister's heart and if she was being honest with herself, this was all a little scary. I mean, it's not every day you realise you're falling in love with your older sister, is it?
Despite her nervousness and apprehension, Anna inexplicably felt lighter. Like she had just solved a riddle or complex maths problem or suddenly remembered the name of an actor that had been plaguing her for weeks.
The redhead's heart thrummed happily in her chest as if it was thanking her for finally figuring it out. Looking back, it was hard to believe she'd missed all the signs. Sure, some could have easily been passed off as something else but with the frequency in which she felt those stirrings, there really was no other explanation.
Maybe she hadn't missed them at all, maybe she had brushed them off because she wasn't ready to accept them. It was all happening so very fast.
After ordering take-away drinks for herself and her sister, Anna practically (literally) skipped home from Pabbie's, she felt as though a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders, the world looked brighter, the snow glowed whiter and the sun even peeked out from those grey clouds.
"Hey Els, I'm home." Anna called joyfully as she swung open the door.
"Wow, someone's in a good mood." Elsa noted with a chuckle.
"Yup!" Bounced Anna handing Elsa her slightly spilled hot chocolate. "For you my queen." Anna curtsied playfully.
Elsa covered her mouth as she giggled, taking the drink from Anna's hand. "Why, thank you sweet princess. How very kind of you."
The sisters sipped their drinks and agreed to watch a movie on the couch together. It was Elsa's chance to pick a film this time and after digging through the mountain of movies they had at their disposal she finally decided on "The Last Song", she popped it in the DVD player and settled down on the lounge next to her sister.
Anna drew closer to Elsa, pulling her legs up beside her and snuggling in to the blonde's side, her head resting directly above her heart. She heard it pick up its pace a little and smiled to herself. Yup, this was home.
"Hey, I never picked you for a Miley fan." Commented Anna when the movie began.
"Well, usually I'm not but I love the story line, troubled girl, different from the rest, overcomes her fears and falls in love with her prince charming. I guess it resonates with me, well, except the prince part anyway." Elsa replied softly.
"No, you fell in love with this princess" Anna giggled, her heart skipping a beat at the thought.
Elsa hummed in reply and turned back to the film. The girls stayed quiet throughout most of the movie but when Ronnie found out that her dad was dying Elsa stiffened and her breath hitched sorrowfully. Anna pressed closer still and rubbed soothing circles on Elsa's back. Tears flowed freely when he passed away and when the funeral scene started Elsa lost it and was overcome with grief. Her chest heaved as she sobbed violently. Anna gripped her sister's shoulders and pulled her into her chest.
"Hey, hey" She cooed, "Shh, it's okay, it's okay. I got you Els. I'm here."
"No!" Elsa tensed and pushed herself out of Anna's arms. She stood up off the couch and wrapped her arms around her torso. "No, it's not okay! I-I wasn't there for you Anna!" She yelled, her body shook uncontrollably, either with grief or anger -Anna didn't know. "I-I, I was a coward! I was so stupid and selfish that I let you go and bury our parents alone! I wasn't there when you needed me! I let you down. Fuck! I'm such a horrible sister and daughter. Mama and Papa would have hated me for not being there, for not saying goodbye." Elsa dropped to the floor, wailing as she slammed her fists into the rug.
"Elsa! Stop that talk right now!" Anna scolded, she rose off the couch and walked over to Elsa before kneeling on the floor next to her. "You did what you had to do, you coped with losing them in the only way you knew how. When they died, all I wanted to do was lock myself away, to block the world out and pretend it never happened. I'm not going to lie, it did hurt not having you there with me Elsa. But I don't blame you, I'm not mad and I don't want you beating yourself up over this. The past is in the past, we can't change what happened, we can only learn from it and put it behind us. There are many things I wish I'd done differently, like knocking down your door earlier-" this comment earned a watery chuckle from the blonde "-and never going out with Hans, I wish I didn't push you to breaking point. But these things happened, we've put them behind us and its only made us stronger. So please, don't blame yourself, don't say those things okay? You've more than made up for them." Anna drew Elsa in as tightly as she could and stroked her bangs back.
Elsa nodded and pressed her ear against Anna's heart, the beat soothing her own, calming her back down. After a while her breathing slowed and the sobs died down as she wiped her eyes with her sleeve.
"A-Anna?" She muttered nervously.
"Yes, my queen?" She decided that nickname was going to hang around.
"W-will you take me to them? I-I I've never visited their grave."
"Oh, Elsa. Of course I will. Come on, let's get you cleaned up." Anna put her hands under Elsa's elbow and helped pull her up off the floor. The bleary-eyed blonde stumbled a slightly but Anna held her steady and with one hand around her waist and the other grasping Elsa's, she led her to the bathroom. "Right, you go have a warm shower and I'll meet you out here."
Since neither of the sisters could drive, Anna called Kristoff to see if he would mind giving them a lift and picking them up when they were done. Thankfully, the burly man had the day off work and was more than happy to play chauffeur for the day.
Soon enough they had arrived at the cemetery. Anna directed Kristoff through the windy roads until they reached the area where their parents rested. Anna waved goodbye to her friend, telling him that she'd send him a text when they were ready to leave and took Elsa's hand.
"Are you ready?" She asked softly, giving her sister's hand a reassuring squeeze. "We can stay here for a bit if you're not."
Elsa shook her head and stared off into the distance. "No, I'm ready." She replied with a tight voice.
Anna led Elsa to two large headstones resting next to each other. They held their parents' names, Idun and Agdar, the date of birth and below that, their death. Anna had chosen a simple design and had used two large stones from the park across the street that they used to play at. Above the writing on each headstone was a simple crocus with three petals and two leaves, one either side of a petal. The crocus was their family emblem reaching back through many generations. The flower symbolises joy and happiness, something Anna always associated with her parents.
Elsa delicately dropped to her knees beside Anna, placing a hand on each stone as tears silently slid down her cheeks. Anna joined her in the snow and wrapped her arms around her sister. Neither girl said anything for a while, both lost in their own grief and memories.
After a while it was Elsa who spoke up. "I'm so sorry Mama and Papa." She whispered through her tears. "I'm sorry for everything, for not being the daughter you wanted, for pushing you away, for not coming to your funeral and for never visiting you until now. I wish I could have done something to make you proud of me and I just hope that, someday I will be the good girl you always wanted me to be."
Anna remained silent as her sister spoke. As much as she wanted to stop her from berating herself, she knew that she had to let Elsa get it out. She knew that her sister needed to say these things and she just hoped that this would be the turning point for Elsa, that maybe now she'd let it go and begin to heal.
"We should have brought same flowers." Elsa muttered.
"No, it's winter and the flowers would die, the only thing we needed to bring is ourselves. Mama and Papa wouldn't ask for anything else." Elsa stood and Anna rose with her, taking her hand again and brushing her thumb over the top of the soft skin. "Elsa, I think Mama and Papa would be so proud of you. You have achieved so much and you don't even realise it." Elsa raised her eyebrows at Anna and rolled her eyes. "Don't you give me that look Elsa! It's true! You have come out of your room, you've let me in, you've faced all your demons and overcome so much. You've learnt how to love and you're teaching me too. You've grown as human being, you're playing and singing again, you laugh and have fun. You're incredibly talented, you can draw and write and you have the most amazing voice, it makes me feel – god I can't even explain how it makes me feel. But god Elsa, I am so proud of you and I know our parents would be too."
"But Anna, I didn't do any of those things alone, you were always the one to push me, to make me come out and open up. You were the reason I started playing again, you were the one who asked me to sing. You taught me how to have fun again, I haven't achieved anything alone." Elsa responded glumly, the disappointment clearly written across her face.
"Elsa, no one ever achieves anything alone, we are all influenced and pushed by someone. There is always another driving force, there is always someone behind the scenes giving words of encouragement or advice. And I think it's special and I feel honoured to be that person, to be the one who's helped you through it all, to be able to witness something so incredible with my own eyes. I think that together, we make a pretty good team." Anna concluded defiantly. Elsa opened her mouth as if to refute Anna's words. "Don't even think about arguing with me Queenie, you know I'm right." Elsa promptly closed her mouth and gave her sister a thankful smile.
They stayed at the parents' graves for a while longer, sharing faint memories of their childhood and others they made separately over the years. It felt nice to reminisce, to look back on their past with nostalgia, Anna could tell that Elsa wasn't as close to their parents as she was, especially when it came to their father. She couldn't blame her though, it wouldn't have been easy for either party to have one daughter locked away firstly out of fear and secondly out of love – or maybe it was the other way around? Either way it couldn't have been easy for their parents. Then of course there was all the things Papa used to say to Elsa, the way he told her she was sick, vile, abnormal. Poor Elsa never had a chance when it came to her self-esteem.
A/N: Tissues anyone? Sorry, but it was necessary. I know it might feel like we're going a bit back and forth with Anna's feelings but I think that this would be a really confusing thing for anyone to figure out, especially being sisters and the morality behind it. I know I was like this when I was discovering my own sexuality, back and forth between men and women, I wouldn't accept that I was gay so I kept fighting this internal war within myself, loathing these feelings I had and desperately trying to convince myself that it was "just a faze" as I'd heard so many times or that I did like men, I just preferred women... hahaha. Yeah right. Sorry men, but I wrote you off a while ago now.