Dissimulo is Latin for, "To conceal; keep secret".
Chapter Ten: Dissimulo
Of course, you know all about it.
Beatrice's words were a keen reminder that she did not much about her husband. His past was a shadow that he never discussed. No, his first marriage was what he did not talk about. He was rather open about all the other aspects of his life. Though she has nothing to do with the events of that part of his past, she needed to know. Yesterday's events solidified her resolve that she needed to know what had happened in order to understand how she was going to help him. She desperately wanted to help him as best she could and she knew that in order to do that, she needed to do a little digging into what had happened. She needed to know more about the wife that she has replaced. Whatever the mystery, she already is aware that she will not like it. Yet, it is the not knowing that was a barrier between her and Noctis and it was eating away at the both of them. Rebecca may be dead, but she was the wall that prevented them from truly being man and wife.
She did not dare ask Noctis, however. His reaction to her venturing into the cottage yesterday was proof enough of that. All the other times his late wife was mentioned or even hinted at, a dark cloud fell over him. There was shadow that has never lifted from his eyes since she has known him. Rarely has she seen him as he should be. The kind and generous man that she loves with the dry wit and caring smile, but he was hidden behind the layers of grief that shrouded him from her. All she has had, have been snippets of him, especially in the days that they had come here to Manderley. It was there prominently the rest of the afternoon, though he had made an effort to be good company after their disastrous walk.
Asking Mrs. Etro was also a definite no. Any reason she had to avoid the head maid was good enough for her. She had not been too sad the day before to see the somewhat gloating look that had been on the older woman's face when she had seen her wearing Rebecca's raincoat and noticed the grim look on Noctis' face. Beatrice, of course, was also not an option. Noctis' sister already assumed she was privy to the events that happened during Rebecca's death and she would not give the impression that their marriage was not an open and honest one. Beatrice and Giles were the only ones who had welcomed her. She could not bear to have them think that something was amiss.
This meant that there was only one other person that she could approach on the matter. Ignis. The kind and almost shy right hand of Noctis. While she could not be entirely forward with her questions, he was her only option to get to know Rebecca and in turn, get to know more about Noctis.
She found her opportunity the next afternoon, while Noctis was away at the stables. With his schedule full, she found Ignis in his small office looking over the estate books intently. With her tentative knock, he was on his feet with a small smile in greeting.
"Good day, Ignis," she greets, walking towards his desk.
"Good day to you too," he responds with one of his genuine smiles.
"I wondered if you were serious about needing any help with anything," she offers. "I do not know a thing about balancing figures but I can at least lick the stamps."
He chuckles at her suggestion and motions for her to sit beside him at the desk.
"It is very kind of you to offer your assistance," he says, handing her a stack of bills. "If you could just fold them and place them into the envelopes, that would help a lot." He leaves her to it before looking down at the numbers in front of him again.
"I am surprised you still do everything by hand," she comments, fully impressed.
"I try to keep physical books," he replies with another shy smile. "Later, I go over everything again on the computers to see if they match. Noctis' family is very old fashioned and like to do things the old way. I'm old fashioned too."
"Nothing wrong with that," she agrees.
Not that she could have chosen before. A companion's wages had given her the simplified life of not conforming to all the new ways. It was a joy to be in such a place where it seemed time had not touched it. She has never had any use for the frills that had been abundant at such posh places like the resort where they had met.
"I was on a walk yesterday," she says trying to speak as conversationally as she can. "Casper led me to an old shack on the beach. We met an old man there.. a little unusual man."
"Excuse me," Ignis says, getting up to walk behind her to reach into the filing cabinet. "You must mean old Ben. He's harmless, I assure you. We give him odd jobs now and then when we can."
"That cottage down there looks like it is going to ruin," she comments lightly, though keenly aware of Ignis' reaction to its mention. "Why is there nothing being done about it?"
There is silence from behind her a short moment.
"I think if Noctis wanted something done about it, he would say," he finally mutters a little uneasily.
He moves to sit beside her once more but carefully keeps his eyes away from meeting hers.
"Are those all Rebecca's things down there?"
"Yes," he replies quietly, still unable to meet her eyes. "She set her things down there so that she could easily go sailing by herself whenever she wanted."
"Wasn't she afraid to go out onto the water by herself?" she asks curiously.
"She, wasn't afraid of anything," he answers, clearing his throat and looking down at his book again.
"How did she die?" she asks quietly.
"She went out late one night. The tide was too high and her boat capsized and sank," he replies.
Where she drowned, was left unsaid.
"Her body washed to the shore a few miles away," Ignis continues. "Noctis went down and identified the body."
"Poor Noctis," she replies, her heart going out to her husband.
"It was terrible for him," replies Ignis sadly.
Her uneasiness over the subject has her leaping to her feet and wringing her hands in agitation.
"Please forgive me for asking so many uncomfortable questions, Ignis. It's not that I am morbidly curious," she cries in her distress. "I just feel at such a disadvantage not knowing anything about anything. For being so plain and talentless and nothing like she was. Every moment I am reminded of what she had and I lack."
He also rises to his feet and approaches her. "You mustn't think that. I can't tell you how glad I am that you married Noctis," he says kindly. "None of us want to live in the past. Noctis most of all. There is more that a man wants in a wife than the superficial things. There is also kindness and goodness and, if you'd permit me to say, modesty. That all combined means more to a man than anything else."
"That is very kind of you to say," she says, though not believing his words of reassurance.
"It's your responsibility, you know," he continues on with his kind smile. "To bring us away from the past and towards the future with you."
She manages a weak smile and obeys when he gestures for her to sit back down again, but her curiosity is still not satisifed.
"Ignis," she says, waiting until he returns her look before asking what she really wants to ask. "What was Rebecca really like?"
He looks down uneasily at the desk. "I suppose," he hesitates before glancing at her from the corner of his eye. "She was the most beautiful creature I ever saw."
That hesitant, yet entirely truthful statement was all that needed to be said. Afterwards, it was all she could do to keep pace with Ignis as he paid each bill through her rising helplessness. He immediately sensed his blunder and had tried his best to lift her spirits, but the fact of the matter was, in that one confession, he had told her the same thing everyone else has. That she did not belong with Noctis. She is not angry at Ignis' statement. For he had not said it to be cruel. She was not a great beauty, this she already knew. That did not mean that she would not try to improve herself now. Remembering Beatrice's flippant statement about how she could already tell by the plainness of her clothes that she did not give a hoot how she looked, she knew she needs to start giving a hoot. Her wardrobe thus far had been out of necessity and practicality. As Noctis' wife, she needed to set aside that and dress accordingly.
Without having a clue as to what was fashionable, she referred to the only thing that was readily available as a reference. She referred to the top fashion magazines as her guide. It was an all new thing for her. She had never bothered doing more than leafing through an issue while waiting for something else, knowing she could never afford nor need to keep up with such things as trends. Now, given her much elevated position, she needed to know all about these things. This, after giving herself a headache looking through the various articles, she chose a lovely evening gown to wear for dinner from an "exclusive" boutique in town.
The dress came via special courier post haste, when the boutique realized that it was the new Princess as the client. It came in a lovely, meticulously wrapped box that looked almost too beautiful to open. Then, under sheets of delightfully colored tissue paper, was the elegant gown she had picked. It was the finest garment she had ever gotten herself and she was two parts thrilled and one part intimidated by such finery. The dress was just as eye catching as in the photograph. Yards and yards of rich black velvet cascaded down the length with a full bodice and medium sized straps for sleeves. It was in no way daring and the dress was made to the measurements she gave them, but it was clear that the design of the dress was for someone more statuesque in form. Even the bodice was made for someone a little more buxom. Still, it was the fanciest dress she had ever owned and she was excited to wear it out for Noctis to see. She even made a point of sweeping back her hair in a more stylish fashion to go along with her new dress.
It is just before dinner is to be served when she descends the stairs to meet Noctis in his study. Filled with nervous, yet excited, energy she enters his study to see him with his back to her. He looks to be fiddling with a projection monitor, but he is already dressed in his customary dinner jacket and trousers. Even from behind she thinks he looks as dashing and elegant as he always does.
"Good evening, Noctis," she greets in her most sultry voice.
"Hello," he greets absently while still tinkering with the machine without looking up. "The footage from our honeymoon finally arrived. I thought we might watch it before..." he trails off as he catches sight of her. "What on earth have you done to yourself?"
"I ordered a new dress from the city," she replies with a smile. "I hope you don't mind."
"No, of course not," he says, looking at her more in a perplexed way than in an impressed sort of way that she had been hoping for. "Are you sure that sort of thing is right for you? It does not seem your type at all."
He was right of course, but still. "I thought you might like it," she says quietly.
"And what have you done to your hair?" he exclaims in surprise. Then his faces changes all at once and he chuckles uneasily. "Oh dear, oh dear, I am sorry," he says walking towards her and kissing her affectionately on the forehead. She feels more like a petted child than his wife at the gesture and it does nothing to ease her embarrassment at not having impressed him. "You look lovely, lovely! It is very nice, for a change," he finishes.
His sheepishness only makes her feel worse and she deflates onto the arm of one of the plush chairs besides the projector.
"Should we look at the film now?" he suggests.
"Of course. I would love to see them," she says, smoothing out her skirts and trying not to fidget.
As the film plays, she is taken back to those precious moments of their honeymoon where they had both been so carefree together. It had just been him and her and nothing else to bother them. Those short few days were the happiest of her life and seeing them caught on film only reminded her of why she was here.
"Look at you!" boasts Noctis proudly as they watch her image on screen. "Won't our grandchildren just be delighted when they see how lovely you were."
His words, spoken so naturally, warms her so. That he should think her lovely means so much to her when she had just been so down about that very thing. That her husband thought her lovely regardless, plain as she was, to be lovely makes her feel so delighted. With each image, both them laugh at each other together and the antics from their happy time.
"I wish our honeymoon could have lasted forever, Noctis," she wishes wistfully.
Then the images are abruptly cut off.
"Oh dash it! Hang it," cries Noctis with a grumble. "Something must have gone wrong with the… let me take a look at it again. I must have…," he continues to mutter as he clicks on the lamp to stare at what had gone wrong.
He looks so adorable in his frustration that she cannot help but giggle at him. They are both chattering away with each other when there is a knock at the door.
"Come in!" calls out Noctis, still intent on the machine.
Frank opens the door tentatively. "Your majesty, excuse me. But might I have a word with you sir?" the kindly Butler asks uneasily.
The uneasiness in his tone alerts Noctis, who suddenly straightens his shoulders and looks up from the projector.
"What is it, Frank?" he asks, coming around the machine to stand beside her.
"It's about Robert, your Highness," explains Frank nervously. "There has been an altercation between him and Mrs. Etro."
"Oh dear. This is serious," comments Noctis, urging him to go on.
"It seems one of the china ornaments in the Morning Room has gone missing," continues Frank. "Mrs. Etro accused Robert of stealing it, but Robert denies it most emphatically, sir."
"A china ornament?" asks Noctis. "Those are one of our treasures, isn't it?"
"Yes, your Majesty," replies Frank. "Robert is very upset."
"I would assume so," states Noctis. "I am sure Robert did not do it, but tell Mrs. Etro to get to the bottom of this."
"Yes, Your Majesty," Frank answers and dismisses himself with a bow.
"I am not sure why they have come to me for these things," comments Noctis wryly, returning to the other side of the machine to continue his fixing. "They should going to you for this, sweetheart."
As mistress of the house, it indeed, was her duty. Though that is not what has her anxious now.
"Noctis, I wanted to you tell you… but I, er, I forgot," she stammers. "But I broke the china ornament."
"You broke it?" Noctis asks incredulously. "Now why didn't you just say so while Frank was here?" He seems more annoyed at her lack of prompt confession instead of losing one of their "treasures". Which makes her even more ashamed that he had to hear about it this way.
"I did not want Frank to think me a fool," she admits feebly.
"He will think you even more a fool now," states Noctis. "Now you have to explain it to Mrs. Etro."
"Oh no!" she cries, jumping to her feet in fright. "Noctis, you do it. I'll just go upstairs…"
"Don't be ridiculous, darling. One would think you were afraid of them."
At that, there is another knock on the door before Frank and Mrs. Etro enter the study.
Noctis shakes his head, bending again to look at the projector while she tries her best not to flee the room at the sight of the imposing head maid.
"This was just a big misunderstanding, Mrs. Etro," Noctis explains quickly without even looking up. "Apparently the Princess broke the china ornament and forgot to say anything about it."
Mrs. Etro's beaty eyes turn to regard her silently.
"I am very sorry," she manages to say without shaking too badly. "I never meant to get Robert, or anyone, into trouble."
"Is it possible to repair the ornament, Madam?" Mrs. Etro asks in her clipped speech. No reassurances, as always. Nothing warm in her at all. Nor any understanding.
"No, it.. shattered into many pieces," she replies.
"What did you do with the pieces?" Noctis asks, leaning over to her with an amused smile on his lips.
"I hid them in one of the drawers in the writing desk," she confesses.
"It appears the Princess thought you were going to send her to prison, Mrs. Etro," teases Noctis good naturedly. "Now that, that's sorted, someone tell Robert to dry his tears."
"I will apologize to Robert, of course," states Mrs. Etro. "But in the future, it would be appropriate if the Princess told me before…"
"Yes, yes, yes," Noctis says dismissively. "That will be all Mrs. Etro. Thank you."
He goes on about adjusting the projector while Mrs. Etro and Frank leave the study silently. Not before Mrs. Etro gives her another one of her cold, observing glances that leaves her shaken.
"There, I think I have it now," he states, clicking the lamp off and continuing to play the images smoothly on the silk screen.
All her previous delight at reliving the happy memories is gone with her unease.
"I am awfully sorry, darling," she says. "Mrs. Etro must be furious with me."
"Hang Mrs. Etro," replies Noctis with a small chuckle. "You act more like a schoolgirl than you do the Mistress of the house."
"I know I do," she admits sadly. "It's just that… I am so uncomfortable. I try my best every day, but it's not easy when everyone is always looking at me like I am some prized cow."
"What does it matter what they think?" he asks absently, while their images continue to play. "You must understand that life in Manderley is the only thing that holds any interest around here."
"What a slap in the eye it must have been to them then," she says resentfully. "I suppose that's why you married me. Because I was dull and there would not be any gossip about me."
"Gossip?" Noctis snaps sharply. His body is suddenly blocking the images and his face is a stern mask. "What do you mean by that?"
The swift change in his entire demeanor startles her and any resentment and anger vanishes into anxiety at the harshness on his face.
"What is it? Why do you look at me like that?" she asks in a plea to put that dark look away. "What have I said?"
Just like that, he lets out a breath and snaps the lamp back on while turning off the projector. "It was not a very attractive thing to say, was it?" he asks in a low, almost hurt tone.
"No, it wasn't," she replies quietly, because they had been thoughtless and cruel. "They were hateful."
He moves to stand in front of her, watching her with sad contemplative eyes. All traces of his previous anger gone.
"I wonder if I did a very selfish thing in marrying you," he confesses softly.
"Why do you say that?"
He places a hand under her chin to get a better look at her face. "You do not get any fun. You should have married someone who was free. Someone who had less baggage with him and was a better companion."
"But we are companions," she insists to comfort him.
Only he does not look comforted at all by her statement. He looks even more sad.
"Are we? I do not know," he admits, sounding defeated and his eye search her face intently. "I am very difficult to live with."
"No!" she cries urgently. "You are not difficult at all. You are easy, very easy. Our marriage is a success is it not? We are happy. Terribly so?"
He lets out another long sigh and walks to the other side of the study, keeping his back to her.
Tears build in her eyes at seeing this rejection from him too. "If you do not think we are happy, it would be better if you did not pretend," she says hopelessly, her heart breaking inside. "I can go away."
She waits a long moment for him to tell her not to go.
He says nothing.
"Why won't you answer me?" she pleads to his back.
"How can I answer you? When I do not even know the answer to that myself?" he asks, turning around and walking back to the projector. "Happiness is something I know nothing about." He lingers on the lamp switch giving her another forlorn look before continuing the play of images. "If you say we are happy, then we shall leave it at that."
The lamp snaps off with a finality of that statement and the pictures start to play once again. Tears trickle down her cheeks at the helplessness of his despair.
"Look," he says softly, motioning to an image of them together. "This is when we were on our last bit of film and I left the camera on."
It was such a happy scene. So picturesque and perfect. Both of them are sitting on a patch of grass together. Noctis is speaking, though you cannot hear his words while she sits pressed against his side and looking at him with open adoration. They look so carefree and blissful, content to only to be together and enjoy the moment. So different than how they are now.