Faithless

Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters.

Author's Note: Hey guys, what's happening? A huge thank you to everyone who has read reviewed and alerted the last chapter, it's so heartwarming to see all of you enjoying that chapter. As usual, here's another idea of mine that kept bugging around in my head, so I decided to write this out before going back to my multi-chapter stories. Your thoughts and ideas are most certainly welcome on this, so please sit back and enjoy! PS – anything in bold is a soliloquy.

I am faithless. There, I said it. Are you judging me? I am nothing more than a shell of flesh and bone, dooming myself to walk the darkest channels of this planet just because I can't bring myself to believe in anything or anyone. It's actually not as easy as you might think: old habits tend to die extremely hard. Sure, I still use the 'oh my God!' phrase like every normal person out there, but most don't know that I'm actually referring to some empty pocket in the universe rather than an actual thing. In fact, I'm still in the process of transitioning myself over to the grayer side of life. There's the occasional burst of hope that I feel in my chest, like an odd ray of light sintering itself through the endless ramps of steeled clouds, but I make sure to kill any and all hope that I have left. I've been hurt too badly to ever leave anything to the winds of fate, because they simply do not exist. It's much more calming to see life as a series of cold statistical occurrences, with each one of them acting as a consequence of the previous one and a cause for the next. The only person in this life that will truly ever stand by you is the person you see staring across from you at the other side of the mirror. There is no higher power or some deluded notion that everything that happens is meant to be. There is only here and now, and the cruel snapshots of time we call life.

Technically, I guess I'm not supposed to be this morose. I'm a painter by profession, needing to draw inspiration from every small nook and cranny of this world, twisting my own emotion into whorls of color to mirror the marvels of my own head… or so I've been told. I haven't picked up my brush since six weeks ago to paint anything. There used to be a time when my mind would swirl with entire rainbows, entrancing me to just reach out and pick up whatever form my muse would take. My mother used to stamp her feet to try and get my focus away from my canvases, but I could never leave. Not until they were complete, at least. She gave up in the end, and in the end, life gave up on her. There was no deeper meaning behind her passing, no wise words of wisdom that could provide comfort to me. How am I expected to pick up the pieces of someone who was mother, father and everything in between to me? The answer's simple – I don't. I just exist from day to day, just a mass hidden away behind the countless others, waiting for the hour when I too will expire. There is no faith for me, not now, not ever. Why? Because at the end of the day, the hardest thing to do is wake up from these shades and come alive to the people that are still here waiting…

-xoxoxoxoxo-

"So you're actually going ahead with this?" asked the Latino incredulously, staring intently over the brunette from the kitchen counter. Logan twisted his body around to arch his brow questioningly, his hand unconsciously moving the wooden spoon he held around in monotonous circles within the pot of mushroom sauce. "Why wouldn't I?"

"Because it's only been six weeks after his mother died. Don't you think that's a bit too soon?"

"Actually, I was going to ask him this two months ago" said the brunette quietly, returning his gaze to the luxurious cream pool, watching every ripple the spoon made across the silken mass. "But she took a turn for the worse and I just pushed myself back to the sidelines." He smiled sadly to himself, fiddling across the knobs to turn down the heat. "You should have seen his face Carlos. Every day he came back from the hospital, he broke that much more."

"Well, how could he not?" murmured Carlos, rearranging his face sympathetically. "No one should have to lose anyone through AIDS of all things."

"What do you think I should do?" The Latino sighed wearily, propping up elbows onto the counter. Logan might be the one with the fancy CEO job, but he was completely useless when the situation stripped itself down to bare emotion. Not that it was his fault, but the brunette was far better at dealing with comfortable solidity of numbers and currency, leaving any strand of emotion he possessed buried far beneath him. Kendall had been the one to bring him out of his intellectual shell, teaching him that life didn't follow the rigorous ups and downs of share prices – it was more complicated than that, commanding such intricate beauty that no human could ever possibly imagine. They seemed to be on polar opposites of the world, but they complimented each other seamlessly; with the blonde adding effervescence to Logan's uncertainty of the big bad world and the brunette streaking Kendall with subtle hint of grounding. Lately, it seemed that the roles had been reversed, and the Latino saw that it wouldn't take much more for the businessman to break. He'd given up the long office hours to be with his love, following him to the ends of the earth, all for the bare mumble of words to know that the blonde was alright. Such a fragile state left little to the imagination: no fortune teller was needed to see where this would eventually end.

"Honestly, I think you should try to be a bit more gradual with it" said Carlos slowly, picking his words very carefully under the brunette's scrutinizing gaze. "You know, take him on a date, go do the things you guys used to do before all this happened."

"But I have been trying that. We went to that museum he loved so much yesterday, and the beach two days before that." Logan shrugged his shoulders anxiously. "Nothing, not even a smile."

"So you're going to shock the depression out of his system with a proposal?" asked Carlos, laughing disbelievingly at the dagger-eyed expression his friend threw him. "Real nice Logan, he'll be back to normal in no time!"

"Shut up!" snapped the CEO irritably, taking his saucepan off the heat completely. "Well, what else am I going to do? I can't keep living like this anymore."

"So imagine what he must be going through. He's not doing this for fun you ass." The brunette clicked his tongue wrathfully, running a hand through his locks in desperation. Whether his pride wanted to admit it or not, Carlos had the right idea. Kendall wasn't simply going to do a complete turnabout just because he was proposed to, but then again it was better to try than to watch helplessly as the man he loved sunk further into the hell that was his own mind. Day and night he spent trying to conceive up new ways to lure the blonde out of his melancholy, only to be rewarded with silent indifference at best. The person he fell in love with was starting to disappear, and he couldn't do a damn thing to stop it. "Did you know he hasn't picked up a brush since the funeral?" asked the CEO softly, capturing Carlos's attention with a frown. "He hasn't painted or laughed or even smiled since then."

"Logan-"

"He's angry at her Carlos. He blames her for everything, and I have to stop it before he hurts himself too badly."

"How do you know?" The brunette lowered his gaze. "I just… I do. Trust me on this one."

"And you think marriage is going to fix all that?" Logan threw his head up resiliently. "I can only try. I love him."

"Yeah, but a marriage is more than that!" exclaimed the Latino loudly. "A marriage is supposed to be stable, it's something you can come back home from a fucked up day at the office and make all your stresses disappear, not add to them." He threw his hands up in the air to emphasize his point, eyeing the look of utter distaste growing on Logan's face. "I love him" said the CEO firmly. The Latino shook his head vehemently. "That's something you say as the final cherry on top! Like 'caution: wet floor' or 'parental guidance is advised for younger viewers.' It doesn't guarantee anything."

"I have an ace up my sleeve."

"Oh yeah? What?"

"I-"

Logan's words silenced themselves as he heard the door swing open, giving the Latino a panicked look as the color drained itself in pink tendrils off his skin. A few seconds of shuffling footsteps was followed by the despondent appearance of his boyfriend, complete with miserable aura in tow. Kendall wore his custom uniform of icy indifference, the numbed green of his eyes quickly taking in the sight before him as he pulled off his jacket. He threw the Latino a quick nod of the head. "Hey Carlos."

"Hello" smiled the shorter man, grimacing at the brunette before turning his head to face the blonde, his face fixed in a sweet smile. Kendall raised his eyebrows quizzically. "Are you staying for dinner?"

"Uh no, actually I have to get going." Carlos gutted the brunette with his look of concern, relieving his position on the kitchen counter. Within the space of thirty awkward seconds, he gave the blonde a final smile before heading out the door, shutting it into place as if to make sure none of the misery escaped. Logan thinned his lips anxiously as Kendall's eyes returned to him, devastatingly hollow as ever. It was now or never; else his nerve would completely disappear. This had to work, there was no other option.

"Was it something I said that made him run out so quickly?" asked the painter flatly, laying his jacket on a nearby chair. He flung his keys onto the table with an effortless flick of his wrist, never once taking his eyes off the CEO. Logan shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly, pouting his lips in surprise. "He's always in a rush. In fact, he just got here when you showed up."

"Logan, we really don't have to do the small talk" said the blonde quietly, lowering his eyes to distance himself from the meltingly consternated watch piercing right through him. Instead, he caught onto the saucepan sitting innocently on the stovetop, taking in a huge whiff of air. "Is that mushroom sauce?"

"Yeah."

"We're having steak and mushroom sauce with asparagus for dinner" he said thoughtfully, his face blanking over in complete emptiness. "My favorite."

"Actually, I wasn't expecting you till much later so I'm a bit behind with this" said the brunette, looking around nervously, hoping some kitchen utensil would come to life and break the heavy stillness between them. Kendall took a solemn step forward. "It's OK, I'll help."

"No. No, there's something I need to show you first."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

It's not that I don't love him. There's no other person that I would ever want to hold in my arms. I've forgotten how to show it though. I don't know how to tell my boyfriend that he means the world to me anymore… that if it wasn't for him, I'd be long dead by now with my mother. She really did screw up a lot for me though. She completely shattered my concept of what fidelity is supposed to be. My dad wasn't going to win any 'Man of the Year' awards, but no one deserves to have their relationship shattered because one wants more than what the other can give. I was pissed beyond belief, but I never showed it once. Why? Partly because she had no one else and she was my mother after all; but mostly because I wanted to be the bigger person. I wanted to rise above my anger, but I guess it was wrong to stand on my dignity like that. The funny thing is, the more I try to help myself out of this hole, the angrier I get. And poor Logan… he's just there, this innocent punching bag for my silence. He's had enough of this, but I don't know how to tell him that I love him beyond anything else… because there is no guarantee that he'll be there forever.

-xoxoxoxoxo-

"Logan, no" mumbled the painter, letting his arm go limp in the brunette's hold. Logan soldiered on in the face of his love's reluctance, pulling the taller man into the room with a resounding force. Kendall gazed around the space, his eyes filling with dejection with every passing second. The room was practically covered in dirty white sheets, each of them baring beautiful splatters of color to tell a story from the painting which birthed them. His brushes and paint tubes awaited him faithfully in corner, standing like guards underneath the incomplete masterpiece he was supposed to have finished – a smiling Logan wrapped in the arms of his portrait counterpart, the two of them crafted with such exquisite lightheartedness that it trumped over every single brush stroke he'd ever done. He stared deeply at the two lovers on the canvas, roaming his eyes over the unfinished colors in the corner. How long had it been since he'd seen the two of them smile like that? He'd stopped the day his mother was admitted to the hospital, the day his world stopped turning because of all the resentment he held. He tried to summon up some show emotion, if only to appease the brunette's pleading stare, but it didn't work. He couldn't feel anything, let alone the liberation of sorrow to free him from here. His watch roved over to the object standing in the corner, causing him to tilt his head with clinical bewilderment. "What's that doing here?" he asked, pointing to the full length mirror. Logan stepped forward in front of the taller man, looking with quiet determination straight down into the pit of misery he wanted so badly. "I brought that here from our bedroom."

"What for?"

"Close your eyes." Kendall cocked his head upright. "What?"

"Just trust me please." The blonde sighed wearily. It was asking the world of him right now. There was too much out there just waiting to betray him again. At any moment, Logan could do exactly what his mother did and reason infidelity with passion and let his entire world fall again. "Only you can break me completely" thought Kendall, slowly closing his eyes to the darkness within. "Will you?"

Logan gently lifted his hands to the painter's shirt, steadily undoing each button with loving focus. His heart drummed out excitedly, forcing his breath to come out in soft blasts. Pushing the thin cotton down to the floor, he silently marveled at the vast swathe of sun kissed skin before him, so soft and yielding beneath his fingertips. He pulled himself closer to his boyfriend's body, closing in to the clean scent of his being. His lips tenderly bruised themselves across the quiver of the taller man's collar bone, leading themselves up his neck to his cheek, catching Kendall's bee stung petals in between his own. "I miss you" he whispered, burying his face into the painter's neck. A pained expression struck across the blonde's face. "I know."

"Please don't hate me for what I'm about to do."

"Logan, you're scaring me."

"Don't be, I'm right here. Just keep your eyes closed." The painter heard the quick ebb and flow of his love's footsteps diffusing anxiously into the air, pricking his ears up for any sound that may lead to some clue. "Logan?"

"I'm here. Eyes closed baby." The blonde shuddered as he felt a light wet tickle across his chest, causing his body to step away in surprise. "Are you painting on me?"

"Just stand still, you're going to ruin it if you move." With reluctant obedience, the painter stood still, allowing his love to leave his marks on his most personal of canvases. He tried to sense the brush's movements, but Logan was too intermittent with his strokes, leaving his skin every couple of seconds, most likely to reload with paint. "Skin isn't the best thing to paint on, you know that right?"

"It's a bit impersonal if I did it on a blank canvas or something like that" said the CEO quietly, moving his eyes across the taller man's chest. "I'm almost done."

"With what?"

"You'll see" said Logan, feeling his pulse rise to dizzying rates. "When are you going to finish that painting of us?"

"Sometime. Just not now, I can't yet" murmured the blonde. "Can I open my eyes now?"

"Sure. Look in the mirror."

Sighing wearily, the blonde's eyes instantly flew open, taking in the sudden glimmer of hope in the brunette's irises. He wandered over to the mirror, finally making out his love's art across his torso, written so boldly that he feared it might fly right off his chest. His heart lurched sickeningly at the letters, widening his eyes in shock. His blood chilled to crimson ice, flushing his face with a breathless fluster. This wasn't happening, this couldn't be happening… not yet. Marry me. Plain and simple but so powerfully disarming. Kendall stared hopelessly at his reflection, feeling the brunette lightly place his forehead in the valley between his shoulder blades. "Please say yes" he whispered imploringly. "I'm begging you."

"Logan-"

"You can't keep hiding away forever Kendall" said the CEO, wrapping his arms around the taller man's waist. "Please. Marry me."

"I'm sorry… I can't."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

When someone's heart breaks, the pieces never quite fit back together the same way they used to before. There are always these empty spaces where wholeness used to be, just biding their time for the right crack to open them back up again. Faithlessness seals the entire thing away in this tiny little box in which you can forget about. Sure, there are always reminders of what was, but they hurt less the more you ignore them. When Mom died… she left my heart in a million fucked up pieces that don't even come close to fitting together. I can't trust him or anyone else, and it fucking kills me that I can't. I love him so much it hurts, so why won't I say yes?

-xoxoxoxoxo-

"Kendall, I love you" said Logan firmly, his hands swiftly turning the deadweight around to face him, glaring him right into the hazed green eyes. "You mean everything to me, but I can't keep seeing you doing this to yourself!"

"Then leave Logan" said the blonde softly, feeling his body grow limp. An enigmatic hurt started to spread through his chest, stealing away the air from his lungs. Was this the result of his apathy with the world? Did the numbness eventually grow so great that it collapsed upon himself? He couldn't do this. It wasn't fair to Logan to have a husband on the point of being drowned in an emotionless sea, and it bled across him that he would do the exact same thing that his mother did – leave when all hope was lost instead of finding a will to fight on. "Go."

"I am not going anywhere!" snarled the shorter man, fire blazing across his face in a heated pink. "Tell me, when was the last time we made love? Or kissed? Or even fucking smiled at each other?"

"You don't know what you're talking about."

"Don't I? I know precisely what I'm talking about." The brunette took a wrathful step closer, his breath mingling across the barely there clouds escaping from the blonde's lips. "You can't stand the fact that you're turning into her with every day that passes" he whispered, taking in the lighting struck expression from his lover with a grim satisfaction. "You're letting us turn into them, and one day when every ounce of love between us is gone, you'll leave-"

"FUCK YOU!" screamed Kendall, his eyes beginning to mist over in the bitter sting of tears. With a swooping step back, he let out a choked cry, ignoring the flinch shaking through Logan's body. "I AM NOT HER!"

"Kendall-"

"She left him, OK?" said the painter, his heart screwed up in painful knots for the first time since this icy imprisonment began. "She left because she wanted more for herself! And I spent every day trying to understand that but I can't! She destroyed every single idea I had of what love was about, and now you want me to marry you when either one of us can do the same?" He shook his head sobbingly, weakly throwing up a hand to ward off the advancing brunette. "She got what she deserved" he said hoarsely, each word trying desperately to escape the painful catch of his throat. "I love you so much" he whispered, turning his head away. "But I can't marry you like this. Not when I don't believe in us."

"Then it's a good thing I have faith enough for both us" murmured the brunette, fishing around in his pocket. He slowly pulled out a piece of paper to stare at it for a few moments before handing it over to the blonde's limp grasp. "I didn't want to give this to you because I was afraid of you slipping further away from me. But I think that it's a mistake if you don't read this." Kendall rolled his head tearfully. "What is this?" he asked quietly, unfolding the paper to see a familiar scrawl of writing appear before him. Logan shuffled nervously on his feet. "Just read."

Kendall

My baby boy… I can't even begin to tell you how proud I am of you. Maybe it's because I'm your mother, but I still see you as that tiny little baby I held in my arms on the night you were born. Despite my shortcomings as a parent, you've come so far in life – a wonderful career as an artist and a man who treasures you more than his own life. I'm a little ashamed to say that I'm jealous of my own son for what he has achieved, but can you honestly blame me? You have everything I ever wanted in my own life, all without losing your innocence or hurting someone else. I am truly in awe of you my baby, more than you can ever imagine.

I'm not writing this as some way to ease my conscience before I die. I paid the price for my actions, and it's been a long journey for me to accept that. I did what I did because I couldn't bear to be in a place where I'm simply existing from day to day. Your father and I had long since given up hope on the chance that the spark could return, but by the time I left, I didn't want to see anything but the graying bits of life I escaped. There were some good moments though: you taking your first steps, the first couple of birthdays I was there for… but at the end of it all, not even your bright light could save me from what was to come. Should I have fought harder for my marriage? Definitely. Do I regret leaving? I don't know the answer to that yet. When I finally met someone else, I wanted to be loved so badly that I was willing to look over everything that was just to be touched. He was good to me though, right till the end. I don't ever say I love him however, because that is an insult to what I feel for you. You take precedence in my life, and I only wish I was smart enough to have realized that sooner.

I know you're mad at me. Even though you're here at my side every single day, I wish part of you would stop the pretending and yell at me for what I've done. Maybe that would make me feel better for all the years in which I wasn't there, all the 'I love you's' I was supposed to say but couldn't. But you're so stoic like your father to just accept things the way they are. I can handle everything but your silence, and it's heartbreaking to know that you're seething, but choose not to say anything. Blame me, curse me, do what you want; just please say something.

I pray that one day you'll forgive me my boy. May you have all the happiness I ever searched for plus an eternity more. You of all people deserve that.

Until we meet again Kendall

Mom

It was a full minute until after he read the letter before the painter realized his boyfriend's arms wrapped around him, the soft dark locks resting against his back. The pain in his chest magnified, collapsing all the air out of his lungs in a single fluid cry, his cheeks burning as he felt the saline trail of his tears blaze their way down his cheeks. His head hung in bitter angst, trying desperately to put his feelings into words, but not a single thought came to his rescue. The wall that kept him isolated from everything had broken down – the only way to get through this was to feel every tiny bit of the storm inside, letting it wreck him completely so that he could be built anew. There was no denying it anymore.

"She gave that to me a week before she passed away" whispered the brunette softly, feeling the painter's every quiver shudder through his fingertips. "She told me not to give that to you until she died. I think she was hoping you were going to come around in the end."

"But I never did" choked Kendall hoarsely, letting his hands rest across Logan's. It felt like forever since they connected like this, skin against skin, so bare and vulnerable that the slightest touch may break the both of them. "I couldn't, not after what she did to me. He shook his head slightly. "What the hell was she thinking?"
"I like to think that at the end of the day she really felt sorry for what she did. She loved you, just like I do. Just like I always will." The brunette's grip on the blonde grew tighter, pulling him closer towards his body until his senses were clouded with his lover's scent. "I swear to you that I'm not going anywhere babe. I'll never leave. I couldn't." The blonde drew in a shaky breath, feeling the first blooms of reassurance sprout in his heart. They were small, but enough to dispel some of the darkness, enough to remind him that there was someone there all along. "Promise?"

"Nothing can drag us apart. I love you Kendall Knight and I'm not ever letting you go."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

If you leave me, there is no point in me living anymore. I've searched so long for an answer, a person that was right in front of me all along. I'm sorry for how I've been, but please understand that I didn't know how else to be. You must have gone to hell and back so many times because of me… I wish I could make it up to you somehow. What happened just now doesn't fix anything: it won't bring her back, even for a little while to tell her how I feel. But it's a start, and that is something for now. I don't know if there is a God out there, but I know that there's you. I love you Logan. Please don't ever let me go.

-xoxoxoxoxo-

Kendall smirked at the lovers staring back at him from the painting, their smiles dazzling across the living room with a blissful serenity. "They look happy, don't they?" he said, turning his head to face the shorter man, feeling a warm comfort as he took the brunette's hand into his own. "Almost like nothing ever happened."

"We'll get there someday" said Logan smilingly, giving the taller man a playful nudge with his free hand. "But for now, this is enough."

"Carlos called by the way. He's pissed we didn't invite him to the wedding."

"It was a wedding registration at a courthouse. We didn't even plan it."

"I know" grinned the painter happily. "That's the beauty of it." The CEO turned his body around fully, pulling his husband into his embrace. His smile grew as he heard the comforting thud of the blonde's heart on the other side of his chest, working away at an existence that was slowly finding meaning again. The pieces were slowly starting to fit together the way they should, the way they would always be from now until forever. "I love you."

"I love you too."

Well guys, what did you think? Please leave a review and let me know! Till next time!