So, my vacay is over. I'm back in the Beach, and not too thrilled about going back to work tomorrow.
I am, however, looking forward to hearing from my readers. This is one of my favorite chapters. I hope y'all like it!

LOSING CONTROL

04/21/2002 – Three days ago my relationship with Gina changed dramatically. It's not about sex anymore. It's about moral support and love. I know that Wanda has lived many lives on many planets, and I know that she went through hell trying to survive in the beginning when she was in the caverns, but as far as I can tell, she was never raped. I admire the strength that Gina has shown. I don't know if put into the same situation, I could have endured what she has gone through. I have made a promise to myself that I will never ask Gina for sex because I know she would never turn me down. Instead, we walk together every day in the woods, and we talk and sometimes we sneak kisses like teenagers. I am hoping she will regain a part of her teen innocence that she never had the chance to experience.

The other day, I called Wanda because I have been thinking about her as well. It went to voice mail, so I just left a message for her call me. I keep hoping that one day, she'll just show up. It doesn't seem as if Ian is going anywhere.

It had been an uneventful day. I was checking on the garden when my cell phone started to ring. I couldn't get it out of my pocket fast enough. It was Wanda. I felt the blood rise up into my head. I dialed her back quickly.

"Hello?"

"Wanda, you called?"

"I was just returning your call."

"Oh, I called you two days ago."

"We don't get great reception in the caverns, so I had to wait until I was sent on a road trip."

"Ah, I see."

"So, how are you?"

I needed to turn on the charm. "There's no one to flirt with. All the beautiful girls are gone."

"I'm sorry. There's always…"

"Don't say Sarah."

"I wasn't. I was going to say there's always Gina and Holly."

If she only knew. "I'm not really interested." Okay, it was a little white lie.

"Nate, how's Ian? Tell me the truth please. Don't sugarcoat it."

"Well, he doesn't have much to say to me anymore now that he's not keeping an eye on me. I told him what happened between us before you left. You'll never believe what he asked me."

"What did he ask you?"

"He asked me if I really wanted to kiss you. He wanted to know what kind of a kiss it was."

"What did you tell him?"

"I told him that I kissed you like any guy who wanted to 'get' the girl. So, then he asked me if you kissed me back."

"I'm listening."

"I told him it was a pretty passionate kiss. You know what he said to that?"

"What?"

"He said you were trying too hard. He's been either working with Burns or at the ball field ever since."

"Is Burns the only one he talks to?"

"Pretty much. I see Holly at the ball field watching him pitch sometimes."

She was silent.

"Wanda?"

Her voice cracked as she squeaked. "Yes?"

"Oh now, you don't think? No way. That boy's never going to even look at another girl. I'm positive of that."

She was still silent.

"Who's there with you?"

"Kyle," she croaked.

"Let me speak to him."

"Hello?"

"Hi, Kyle. She sounds like she's upset. I tried to tell her that Ian is not paying any attention to anyone, but I made the mistake of saying that Holly likes to hang at the baseball field. She's blowing it out of proportion."

"I know."

"Would you reassure her that nothing is going on?"

"Yes."

"And would you tell her I miss her, too."

"Okay."

I went about the rest of my day, but Wanda was definitely on my mind. It was a few hours later when Ian tracked me down in the kitchen. I was doing the dishes with Gina.

"Why the hell did you tell Wanderer that Holly has been hanging around the ball field?"

"Was I supposed to lie to her? I told her nothing was going on."

Gina hung her towel over the chair and bolted from the room. Ian probably assumed she did it to give us privacy, but I knew better. In Gina's eyes, Wanda was her competition, and the fact that I had talked to her had obviously pissed her off.

"Are you listening to me?" Ian roared.

"Look, she asked me how you were doing. I told her that I don't talk to you much, but that I knew you hung out on the field a lot. I just mentioned that Holly likes to watch. I didn't think she was going to freak out! I told her you would never even think about cheating on her. Ask Kyle. I talked to him, too."

"Just stay the fuck out of my relationship!" he bellowed.

"Fine!"

"Fine!" He turned and stormed out of the kitchen. Fuck!

I finished the dishes and dried them and put them away. Afterwards, I went off in search of Gina. I had a hell of a time finding her. I checked her room, my room, the root cellar, the house, and everywhere in between. I finally found her in my 'special place'; the room without a ceiling where I liked to go to see the stars. She was lying in the middle of the floor staring out at the sky.

"Gina."

"Go away, Nathan," she said calmly.

"Gina, you have no reason to be mad."

"Oh really? How often do you talk to her?"

"I called her a few days ago, and she returned my call."

"Seriously? You called her?" The jealousy was evident in her tone.

"Yes. Why? Is that a problem?"

"You've been thinking about her. Is that why you haven't made love to me?"

"No! We haven't had sex because I was trying to respect you. I didn't want you to think that all I want from you is sex!"

"Right, because you want to have sex with her!" She screeched.

"You know what? I'm not playing this game with you, Gina."

"Fine! If you don't want me, I'll just go screw someone else."

She said it to hurt me, and I was furious and I struck back.

"You are a grown woman. You can do what you want."

"Fine. Watch me. Maybe, I'll fuck Ian. Then he'll have both of your girlfriends."

It was like a stab in the back. I was on top of her in a minute. "Is this what you want?"

"No, I want the Nate who thinks my body is perfect. I want the Nate who would do anything to satisfy me because he knows that he will be satisfied in return. If you're just going to think about Wanda, then fucking get off of me."

I was desperate to have her. I had been holding back for days, but now I let it all loose. My dick was hard in seconds as I closed my lips over hers. I tasted her again and again. I was in a frenzied state. I pulled her shirt over her head. I unsnapped her bra and exposed her beautiful breasts. Yes! I sucked on them, and she reached down and massaged my cock. The floor was hard, and I knew if I got on top I would probably hurt her. I rolled to my back and took down my pants. "Get on."

"No," she said adamantly.

"No?"

"She straddled me on her knees, but her pussy was over my face."

It was a challenge that I was definitely in the mood for. I went to work and used every trick I knew until she cried out.

I pulled a condom from my wallet and slid it quickly into place. "Now get on."

She backed up and guided my swollen erection into her tight vagina. Fuck! That feels so good!

"Say my name," she ordered.

"What?"

"Say my name."

"Gina."

"Say it again."

"Gina." I knew this was about Wanda. She was afraid I was thinking about Wanda instead of her, but she was dead wrong. Only Gina knew how to make me feel like this. "Gina, you are beautiful. Never doubt that."

I reached up and grabbed her gently by the throat and pulled her face towards mine, so I could kiss her. Her hair smelled good. She went for my neck. She was marking me, and she was doing it on purpose. Do I stop her? She knew that I didn't like to telegraph who I might be sleeping with.

I spoke as clearly as I could under the circumstances. "Gina, stop."

She lifted her head.

"Why?"

"Because I am a leader, and it would look cheap. If you want to mark me, do it where it can't be seen."

The conversation seemed to break the rhythm of the ride, but then she went to my pectoral muscle and latched on there. I grabbed her hips and held on because the harder she sucked the more excited I became. After another minute, I was slamming myself into her, and she couldn't focus on what she was doing anymore. I had control now, and she had her hands flat on my chest, and she was once again moaning. It was nice to see her enjoy herself. I tried to prolong the sex as long as I could which was much easier with the condom on. I could feel her tighten, and she threw her head back, so I knew she had climaxed. Finally, my body betrayed me, and I pulled her down and held her there. I cried out words that were unintelligible.

She smiled broadly. She gently lifted herself off of me and laid by my side.

I took a deep breath and stood up. I slid the condom off and laid it behind a large rock. I would have to come back and retrieve it later. I used my sock to clean myself and then folded the sock and placed it in my pocket. She laid there watching me.

"Do you see what you do to me?" I grinned as I said it.

She seemed pleased with herself.

I stood above her and took her hands and pulled her to her feet. "The reason I hadn't tried to make love to you is because I knew you would never say no, and I didn't want you to feel that just because I want it, that you have to do it. If you come to me, I will never say no, not because I feel that I have to obey you, but because I always want it. Do you understand?"

"Yes, but I will never stop being jealous of Wanda, even though you think I have no right to be jealous."

"Fair enough."

We walked back towards the house. It was movie night, and tonight's movie was one that I had been waiting to see.

"Oh, and another thing." I said out of the blue as we walked.

"What?' She said warily.

"From now on, when you want to have sex, can you come to me in my room? We could easily have been caught tonight."

"Hey, you're the one who jumped on me," she countered.

"I know, and although I truly enjoyed myself, I could kick myself for being so careless."

When we got near the house I came up with an excuse to let her enter before me, so people would not think we were together.

"I need to check on something in the root cellar. I'll be a few minutes. Save me a seat." I threw the last part in, so she wouldn't offer to come with me.

I went to the root cellar and did a quick check to make sure everything was in order. Then, I headed back to the house. It was crowded. It was a popular movie, and even Ian was there, seated next to Burns on the couch. Holly was there, too, but there was no room on the couch for her, so she was sitting on a chair across the room. Ian was deep in conversation with Burns about another project they had planned. She stared at him, and it was obvious, at least to me, that she wanted his attention. Gina was sitting on the floor, and she tapped the floor next to her in an effort to get me to sit next to her. I raised my finger to her, and then, I turned and entered the kitchen. There was a crowd in there, too. It was the older crowd settling in for a game of Mexican Train dominoes.

Uncle George was there. He wasn't playing, but he needed the warmth of the house. The cold of the caves was starting to affect his arthritis. He wouldn't take the 'No Pain' I had offered him many times because he thought of it as evil—like the souls who had taken over. While he liked Burns, he still kept the fact that Burns was one of them close to his heart.

The players included Maria, who almost always won. She was smart as a whip. There was also Max, Aunt Sue, and Carl. Tom was there as well, but he was the youngster at the table. Miranda was watching the movie with the rest of us.

"Where's Hector?"

"He said he wasn't feeling well. He said he was going to bed early," Aunt Sue replied.

She and Hector were close. Aunt Sue was like me. She kept her relationships private. Although I never saw her and Hector show any affection in public, I think there was a relationship going on between them behind closed doors.

"Do you want me to take some heal to him?"

"I don't think that will be necessary. I think he's got a head cold coming on. I'll take some with me tonight, and I'll check on him before I go to bed."

"Okay." I smiled at her. I retrieved two cans of Coke from the fridge and went back to the living room.

The space next to Gina was still available, so I sat down next to her and handed her one of the cans of Coke. She thanked me and continued her conversation with Nadine. Oddly enough, they were discussing a book from my library that they both had read. Once the movie started, she leaned back. She was butted right up against my shoulder because although I was leaning against the end of the couch, there was no where for her to lean. I lifted my arm, and she dove into my chest. I wrapped my arm around her and watched the movie. I didn't think of this as a grand gesture because I would have done this with any female that had sat next to me. As the night wore on, I caught myself sliding my fingers lightly up and down her arm. At one point, she looked up at me, and I knew she wanted me to kiss her.

"No," I whispered.

I knew she was mad, but I just pulled her tightly to me, so she wouldn't get up and walk away.

After the movie, Gina got up immediately and bolted. I wasn't going to stop her. I tried to keep in mind that she was, after all, only nineteen and I was twenty six. Even though she had as much experience as me sexually, emotionally, she was still into playing games. She made a beeline for Evan. I decided that rather than watch the flirtation between them that I would offer to walk Uncle George back to the cave. I needed to retrieve my condom as well. I took a plastic grocery bag from the kitchen before I left.

"Good night all!" I called from the kitchen before I left.

The next morning I found Ian sitting on the couch with the kids watching old cartoons from the seventies. It was the Flintstones.

"Hmmm, cavemen. I might have known," I joked.

"Yeah, well I guess you prefer Survivor, so you can learn new techniques in how to back stab your friends."

I sighed. There was so much I could have said, but I reeled it in.

"Where's Burns?"

"He said he got a call early this morning from the station. They saw humans in the woods in Caren County, and he's gone to check it out. He said he would call you."

"I wish he hadn't gone alone."

"I offered to go with him, but he said he was hoping it was just 'soul paranoia'."

"I hope so."

"Well, I'm off to the field. Hey, you don't mind if I dig up the grass out there, do you?"

I gave him a queer look. "Why would you dig up the grass?"

"I want to create a diamond. You know— around the bases. I was thinking of building a new backstop, too. Do you think Burns could get me the supplies needed to do that?"

"Wow. That sounds like quite a project for a guy who's just going to go back to the caverns."

"It's for the kids," he replied.

I couldn't help but wonder if that was the reasoning he had in his head, or if he planned on staying a lot longer than Wanda was hoping for.

"Well, sure, if you want to undertake a project like that, then I'm not going to stop you. Are you going to get Blake and Carlos to help you?"

"If they're up for it. Actually, me and Holly started it yesterday."

I nodded my head in recognition. "You know the boys have school in the mornings, right?"

"Right. I would never interfere with their studies."

"Okay."

I went about my list of chores for the day, which included my morning visit with Maria in our usual place.

"It's a beautiful morning," I called out.

"It is, isn't it?" she replied. "How goes the drama in your love life?"

"Well, I heard from Wanda, but she seemed more interested in how Ian was doing than me."

"That's to be expected. After all, she has a relationship with him."

"I know."

"And Gina? Did you have your little talk?"

"Yes, and I made a fool of myself. It turns out she was impregnated at age fifteen, but some bastard kicked the living crap out of her until she miscarried. She was a basket case for most of the day when we talked."

"Maybe, she's just a very good actress."

"I don't think so. She was distraught, and I could see the devastation in her face. She's not even sure she can get pregnant anymore."

"Well, I hope you aren't taking her word for it."

I patted her hand. "I still use a condom. I don't want to be a father."

"So then, you're still sleeping with her."

"Yes, but I wait for her to approach me."

She made a face. "So, you ignore her?"

"No, yesterday we had words about Wanda, and then she made me jealous, and I jumped on her."

Maria eyebrows shot straight up in acknowledgement. "So, she wields the power."

"No," I said defensively. "I sat with her last night when we watched the movie. She wanted me to kiss her in the living room in front of everyone, and I told her 'no'. Now she's pissed again, so she'll hit on Evan to try and make me jealous."

"Maybe you should just let her be with him."

"I know I should, but I do have feelings for her, and I do get jealous at the thought of someone else making love to her."

"Are you sure you're not 'in love' with her?"

"While I'll admit that I love her, I don't want to spend the rest of my life with her. I don't want to walk down the aisle with her. I don't want her to have my children, and I don't want to wake to her every day. It's nice to have her around when I need her."

"It sounds like you need each other."

"The truth is we do."

"Well, you've only known her for a short time, and you have shown the signs of a man who could fall 'in love' when it comes to her. Don't block out your heart because of what happened to your mother." Maria was referring to the fact that my mother had raised me and my sister on her own because my father died when I was still in grade school of a brain aneurysm. My mother was devastated, and I had always wondered if the same would happen to me.

Silence followed. I placed my hands on my hips and stared out at the beautiful country that surrounded us.

"Is there anything else you want to discuss?"

I swatted at a bug that had invaded my space. "Uncle George. Will you try to get him to take some 'No Pain' for his arthritis? Maybe he'll listen to you. You always seem to come up with a good argument."

"For you? I'll try."

"Not for me. For him." Maria and Uncle George didn't always see eye to eye.

"Okay, Nathan. Have you seen the garden? Some of the corn is starting to show."

"No, but I'll take a walk over there this morning."

"I'll see you at lunch," she cooed.

I leaned down and kissed her on the cheek before going on my way.

I walked out to the baseball field to check on Ian and his project. He and Holly were busy digging up the grass. It was a mess. He would have to get Burns to bring in fresh dirt. As if on cue my phone rang, and it was Burns.

"Hello?

"Hey, buddy. Do you miss me?"

"Of course I do. Why didn't you wake me? I would have gone with you."

"Well, I noticed you were otherwise engaged last night, so I thought you might want to sleep in."

"Was it that obvious?"

"Well, it was to me, but I already know you are sleeping with her. After all, who gets your condoms for you?"

I chuckled. "I guess you have the inside scoop on everyone's sex life on the mountain."

"I do, and that is a secret I will take to the grave."

"Well, she's pissed at me right now because she wanted me to kiss her last night in the living room, and I wouldn't."

"You know, I've known you for four years, and I've never seen you kiss anyone—except for a benign kiss on the cheek or forehead."

"Well, there are only twenty five of us on this mountain, and I intend to keep my private life private, so the thing between me and Gina?"

"I know, take it to my grave."

"That's right. Anyway, not to change the subject, but when you come home, do you think you could stop and pick up some dirt?"

"Dirt? For what?"

"Well, it seems that since you weren't here to give Ian a project, he came up with one on his own. He's decided to dig up the ball field, so he can create a diamond around the bases. Holly has been helping him. The problem is he's got the ground all hacked up and uneven. He's going to need a ton of dirt to make it look right."

"Well, you know I have to get that special. It's not just plain, old dirt."

"How do you know this?"

"I used to go visit my uncle in California. He was a landscaper. One of his jobs was the upkeep of a minor league baseball field."

"Huh, you never cease to amaze me. Well, then I guess you should get whatever it is you need."

"I will. Take care of Ian."

I chuckled. "Hey, I'm just praying he doesn't kill me before you get back."

"Why would he kill you?"

"Who knows? We are talking about Ian."

"Just keep your mouth shut, and you'll be fine."

"Okay, I'll see you tomorrow."

I called out to Ian and Holly and let them know that lunch was going to be burgers at the cave. He acknowledged me, and I went on my way. I hadn't seen Gina all morning. I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

She arrived at lunch with Evan. They were laughing and having a good time with each other. It bothered me, but I tried not to show it. Instead, I went over to Maria, and she and I exchanged looks. She let me know that she was aware of the fact that the two of them were together.

"So, what do you have planed for this afternoon?" Maria asked.

"Me and Carl have to dig a new hole for the outhouse."

"Sounds like fun," she said sarcastically.

"Well, it's my turn. Burns and Rob did it last, and Evan and Tom did it before that."

"At least you'll be too busy to pine away for your girlfriend," she quipped.

I responded quickly. "She's not my girlfriend,"

"Which one are you talking about?" she shot back.

I sighed. "Neither."

After lunch, I spent the next four hours digging with Carl. I knew that I'd be pretty sore tomorrow, but it was done. Tomorrow, we would move the outhouse and fill in the old hole. All I wanted to do now was hit the shower. I let Carl go first while I put away the shovels and the wheelbarrow. I ran into Gina along the path to the house.

"What the hell have you been doing?" She asked seeing the fact that I was covered in dirt.

"Digging my grave," I said snidely.

"That's not funny," she shot back.

"Neither is watching you throwing yourself at Evan," I said bitterly.

"Evan and I are just friends."

"I thought we were friends."

"We are friends with benefits," she clarified.

"Are you and Evan friends with benefits?"

"No, if I sleep with him, it will be because he wants me to be his girlfriend," she declared.

"So then, our friendship will be over," I surmised.

"I have to go," she said softly.

I swallowed hard. "I'll see you."

She was gone in a flash. My eyes stung at the thought of not seeing her beautiful body again. I stored away the equipment, and I was running back to the cave when my phone rang.

"Hello?"

"It's me, Wanda."

"Hey, pretty lady! How are you?" I slowed to a walk.

"I'm okay. Kyle and I are on another road trip. I thought I'd check in. How are you doing?"

"You know—I'm doing my thing. Burns is out searching for humans. That always keeps me on edge. We humans tend to be a little violent when provoked."

"Yes. I happen to know that first hand. I just spoke to Burns, and he seemed fine. He said he'd be back your way in the morning."

"Yeah. I'll feel better when I see him. He's like a brother to me."

"I know what you mean. He told me that Ian has been working with some of the kids on the ball field."

"Yep, and now he's gone project happy again. He wants to build a backstop, and he's digging up the grass."

"What do you mean—he's digging up the grass?"

"He's creating a diamond around the bases. The boys are helping him out."

"Right, the boys. Burns told me that Holly has been helping, too."

"Well, yeah. She helps." I tried to avoid the subject of Holly considering Ian reamed me a new one for discussing his 'relationship' with her.

"Nate. Is it possible that you could get Ian to call me?"

"Well, right now I'm at the cave. I'll get him to call a little later, okay?"

"Sure. Oh, Nate?"

"Yes?"

"Thanks."

"Sure, no problem."

I grabbed a clean set of clothes and took my shower. I stopped back at the cave to ditch my dirty clothes before heading to the field. They had given up the dig for the day. I finally found him at the house. He was about to take a shower.

"Wanda called. She wants you to call her."

I handed the phone to Ian. He dialed the phone.

"Hey, Babydoll."…"I've been keeping busy." He walked into his room and shut the door. I sat on the couch and turned on the TV. A few minutes went by and the next thing I heard was Ian cursing to beat the band.

I heard what sounded like him punching the wall. "THAT SON OF A BITCH!" he screamed out. "I'LL KILL HIM!"

I stood up as Ian exited the bedroom. He handed me my phone. It was in two pieces.

"Sorry man," he mumbled and he walked away.

I was in shock.

After a few seconds, I regained my senses, and I ran to him. "What happened?"

"My dick-head brother is fucking my fiancée."

I felt like my head exploded. "She told you that?"

"No, he did."

"I don't believe it."

"Yeah, well, I tried to call her back twice, and she didn't answer. Why do you suppose that is?" he growled.

I was dumbfounded. I didn't know what to say. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. Ian went into the bathroom and slammed the door. I just stood there trying to make sense of it all. Maybe he was Wanda's Big John. Maybe, he had raped her. I walked out of the house towards the cave. I was upset, but I couldn't tell you exactly why. Was it because I was afraid that he had raped her—or was it because he had done what I couldn't? I wanted to be the one to take her from Ian. Damn it! I spent the rest of the day in my room moping.

That night I didn't hear from Gina which was a good thing because I wasn't in the mood. I went to sleep early.