Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.
Author's Note: Thank you for the more than lovely comments ... you gals are the best! I truly appreciate your time … and I do so hope this part was worth the wait … I had to go against my self-imposed ten page limit for this chapter and figuring out where to split it was the reason for the hold-up. Enjoy and by all means, please continue to tell me what you think.
Chapter 10 – Wild Blue Yonder – Part 1 of 2
Meredith took a deep breath of the stale locker room air – a tolerable combination of sweat, mildew, chlorine and shampoo filled her nostrils – she released the air from her lungs and let her tired eyes roam around the space … voices echoed in the distance … showers came to life ... a reminder that she wasn't alone.
She sat down in a defeated slump on the bench behind her and felt her eyes close of their own accord, her nerve endings snapped as her eye sockets grew heavier and heavier – she could no longer avoid it, she was completely drained – less than one week back into the game and she was a mess … mentally, emotionally and physically. And inside that moment, in a very tiny voice she willfully admitted that her library job might be too much for her – that she may have to let the hours go and let Sissy down – for she couldn't recover like this, no, not like this, the days and nights were simply too long … the assignments too many, the arduous task of graduating too great.
Untamed fever pricked her skin – what could she do, how could she fix this and what would Derek think, for she desperately wanted to pull her own weight, she wanted a 'give and take', especially with him – but she was at a loss … she just couldn't do it all by herself. Something had to give.
The week was long and hard and to top it off, she was coming down with something for sure; she admitted that now too as her whole body swayed, the ebb and flow matching her fatigue … sway, swell, sway. Sighing with defeat, she let the memories of those stolen private moments she lived within this space consume her for a beat – and for that moment – she was right back where she had been just weeks ago: starving, crestfallen, weak, fatigued … and alone. Tears pricked her eyes while an intense fever pricked her skin.
Turning her attention back to the task at hand, Meredith peered inside her locker – her small collection of belongings right there still – right where she left them behind without a choice; the days and weeks leading up to her accident nothing but a blur now … albeit a vivid one. Reaching inside, she removed the last small stack of faded long sleeved shirts and packed them into her duffle along with her tiny toiletries bag and the small sashay with her mother's jewelry nestled safely inside.
And just like that … the space was empty, ready for its new beginning. And as weak and possibly sick as Meredith was – she was also totally committed and ready to recover – she wanted and needed … a life. A stock image of Derek flooded her mind, her heart raged, his smile reached his eyes … twinkling blue, blue, endless blue.
She pressed her lips together with satisfaction and closed the metal door to the gym locker before depositing the silver combination lock into the front pocket of her bag … another chapter closed. A small smile crept along her face now as she bent down and gathered her meager bag of possessions along with her book bag and started on her way to the library. She had about an hour before her shift would start, just enough time to grab some soup from the cafeteria and meet up with Sissy before she would depart for the night.
Once outside, Meredith surveyed the darkened plaza quadrangle – it was an eerie time, an in between time, dinner time on campus – she'd come to this conclusion a long time ago … with the campus almost deserted, a lion's share of the daytime lectures finished and a few hours before the nighttime sessions would begin, the space was wide open, vulnerable even. And for a place with so much promise, to Meredith it just seemed a little lonely or forlorn, especially the quad –between the way the evening skies applied a bluish-gray tint to the endless concrete of the clearing and the way the fallen leaves sometimes skipped and bounced along the ground – the place seemed devoid of life. She sighed deeply and shook her head, pushing her shadowy thoughts from her mind as she did.
Stepping up the pace now, she breathed deeply once again, the library in plain sight – a beacon, her old homestead, her rock, her shelter from moving life and its games of subterfuge – she looked up and smiled slightly – the wind pushing against her back now reminiscent of Derek's hand and they way he held her there as they glided up the expansive concrete steps after dinner, knuckle grazing knuckle, barely touching, but touching all the same – thedim lights spilling onto the ground from the windows now, just like they always had – large triangles of bright yellow light, cascading beyond the windows – the promise of warmth calling to her without discrimination or judgment. She sighed and took a deep breath of the damp, cold air before she righted her bags once again … her muscles protesting her with every step.
'Almost there, almost safe and warm and dry', she chanted – her old mantra flowing through her mind like the wind over Derek's land, yet another cherished safe haven – another gift, another beacon … of hope. Hope. Baby tears stung her eyes and a fleeting thought rammed through her mind: did Claire have a place like this, a library, a trailer, a safe place, even one trapped within her mind's eye?
Meredith's heart sank, a heavy metal anchor pulling her down, down, down – for there was still no word on the missing girl – not a single clue since the last, it was as if she vanished … somewhere deep, deep within the wild blue yonder where everything was cold and unfamiliar and unforgiving.
With that ugly range of thoughts swirling in her mind, Meredith bounded up the steps, her legs on fire, a thin layer of sweat cloaking her brow as she pulled the door open – her chest burning slightly right along with her fatigued muscles – her body hummed, she decided to head straight upstairs to drop her bags off, bypassing the cafeteria for now in favor of just getting situated. She stepped into a waiting elevator, pressed her floor and leaned her head back against the wall as she waited for the ding, ding – the ding, ding would tell her when she had to move again – swoosh, swoosh, her head swam in the murky waters, she swallowed hard and waited.
ding, ding
Meredith opened her eyes and peeled herself from the wall, stepping into the fluorescent-lit space of the library. She was home for now; smiling broadly as she spotted Sissy perched behind her desk, her eyes focused, her hair falling across her heart-shaped face as she read intensely, only to look up when she heard footsteps – her eyes etched with concern as she tilted her head contemplatively – but smiled regardless, for as crappy as she felt, she was always happy to see Sissy.
"Meredith," Sissy sighed as she stood up, she shook her head, the poor thing was exhausted and rightly so. "Long week?" she asked softly, watching now as Meredith moved around the desk and dropped her bags at her feet.
"The longest ever," Meredith admitted meeting Sissy's concerned eyes for a half a beat before she flipped her desk lamp on. "But at least my make-up exams are over," she breathed with relief, her throat dry, her muscles on fire now.
"So, not too much more in the way of catching up then, wonderful," Sissy encouraged, making note of Meredith's skin tone, the rosy tint that had returned to her cheeks was somehow … gone – an intense worry encapsulated her again – and she wondered; would she ever escape it, her worry over Meredith?
"It is and I'm still at the top of the class," Meredith stated evenly, switching her computer on – she could do this, keep her job, make it until June – make it to the other side of all this … and then really live for once in her life.
Sissy scrutinized Meredith for a moment then, watching as the young woman went through her perfunctory steps of logging into the library system, checking her email – her brow knitting tightly for an intense second before a quiet smile moved across her face – her cheeks turning pink now despite the dull light from the computer screen that seemed to only illuminate her tired features. Her smile lingered – her cheeks fuller, her eyes brighter, she had gained weight – it was true, no matter how exhausted Meredith was … there was still a marked improvement in her overall physique. And for this, Sissy was eternally grateful … for the girl would survive.
Meredith blinked hard and read Derek's short email again. She smiled, musing now – he did this thing, made her smile when she thought it was damned near impossible – simple, little ways of keeping in touch, sending her links to articles for her research papers or small little notes just to touch base. He was a busy surgeon, but somehow made time for her. Something her mother never found the capacity to do, as busy as she was.
She hadn't seen Derek since he met her for dinner two nights ago – and for some reason it felt like a lifetime had passed since she had been swathed in his warm energy, the linens on his bed no replacement for the man – and she could admit once again that there was this connection she had never felt with another human being (male or female) and having no basis for this kind of intense connectivity – she hardly knew what to do with herself – she shook her head once again at her conundrum.
Derek's email became blurry as her eyes clouded over with unshed tears. Exhaustion from the week came in droves while she fought to keep her eyes open – her mind inundated with research facts, exam problems, copious notations and the last tally of her student loans – jumbled thoughts of Derek and Sissy and Claire were there too; Claire still missing, still no sign from her elusive captor, and perhaps even worse … no email from her terrified mother either. The heavy weight of her thoughts startled Meredith now like a rip tide until she was drowning in the sea of her own tired mind, her muscles taut and angry, her skin fever-pricked – her eyes closed like the doors of an armored car – her body swayed …something had to give in … maybe it really should be her.
She tore her burning eyes from the screen in front of her and turned to Sissy only to find her friend's deeply haunted eyes – with small flecks of something new trapped inside, a depth she hadn't seen before seemed to cloak her steadfast friend now – a puzzle to which Meredith had no answer, she pressed her lips together instead and thought for a moment of how to begin, thinking it might just be best to rip the Band-Aid off. She smiled tightly.
"I'm about to disappoint you," she finally admitted, her voice cracked.
Sissy chuckled. "Oh, I doubt that," she mused, watching Meredith falter, wondering what the heck was going on in that overactive mind of hers. "But you can try me," she teased, trying to lighten the mood with humor – using one of those 'man tricks' – something that Charles or Derek or her father might have used to diffuse the tension.
Meredith sighed, her body ached, she felt more than queasy and it wasn't from whatever she was coming down with – it was the weakening of her resolve, minute by minute – it was her anxiety and embarrassment in letting Sissy down. She locked her eyes with her older friend now, pressing her lips together as a swell of new tears pooled therein.
"The shift … the days and nights… together, they're just too much for me," she breathed, her admission hanging in the air, caught in her throat.
Sissy smiled and titled her head to the side – Meredith Grey never ceased to surprise her – of course it had always been that way, but this admission, although surely seen as a weakness in Meredith's eyes only demonstrated the young woman's desire for longevity to Sissy. She was proud of her in a way that made her heart swell.
"I know," Sissy soothed, inching her chair closer to Meredith's, her eyes trained on the open space in front of her, that vast sea of books and papers and periodicals – the foundation of medicine, of life preservation – masses of paper and ink and thoughts and theories and perhaps most important … plans of action.
"You do?" Meredith asked, somewhat mystified by Sissy's awareness, although she shouldn't be surprised by now, for the woman did know everything.
"I do," Sissy breathed, suppressing her desire to speak more on the topic, she waited for Meredith to come to her own terms of leaving her job.
"I'm sorry," Meredith blurted out, her heart racing; she shifted uncomfortably in her seat. "If I would have asked for help in the first place … everyone would have still rotated the shift – nothing would have happened – everything would have been the same," she reasoned breathlessly, her wild eyes caught Sissy's for a moment.
"But it did happen, Meredith," Sissy answered. "And in my opinion it was the best thing that ever happened to you," she mused softly, strongly believing every word she just uttered.
"How so?" Meredith challenged but without knowing why – for she knew the conversation would gravitate toward Derek because Sissy was a believer that everything happened for a reason – like fate or destiny or falling in love with and eventually marrying the quintessential boy next door.
"You let your guard down for once in your life, you took a chance and opened your book – you met Derek – and I think if you thought long and hard about that, you might never want to take it back," Sissy stated directly, pushing her young friend to her outer limits and beyond.
Meredith's cheeks heated and once again it wasn't from her fever, no … no it was her movement and progress and dare she admit: trust. "You're right," she admitted carefully.
Because regardless of how she forced herself to pull back from Derek – she knew the effort was a futile one, for her heart had long-since abandoned her instincts to pull away and hide – she also knew that eventually she would surrender and take yet another chance on him … a more solid or intimate chance of trust … eventually.
Eventually … when the time seemed right, when she was stronger, an equal – and not in the monetary sense – but in the sense of her willingness to give a real relationship a try, one in which she would want to be ready to trust the experience and not screw up out of fear, something she knew both she and Derek would have a hard time coming back from if it ever came to that.
Because she so badly did not want to hurt him or betray him or his confidence in her – or the chance he was willing to take – on 'them'. His statement funneled into her head now – 'then I'll be the guy in the bar' – he had said in a low intimate tone … and she had believed him. She smiled brightly over the memory, making eye contact with Sissy – a silent concession, her friend smiled in assent – that part of the conversation was over … for now.
"I'll find someone for the shift," Meredith offered, expertly changing the subject. "It just … it can't be me," she sighed, wishing that it could.
"You don't need to," Sissy replied, their eyes engaged as relief consumed her … Meredith would be fine and she could rest easier now knowing the girl wouldn't be awake for all hours of the day and night.
"I don't?" Meredith countered wide-eyed, sitting up a little straighter.
"No – the directors finally decided to do away with the shift – beginning next week," Sissy answered, a satisfied smile playing along her lips now.
"Finally … talk about timing," Meredith sighed, shaking her head, for the 'wee hour' shift was always a bone of contention for Sissy.
"Yes, finally … and you know how I feel about timing and how it presents itself," she mused with satisfaction.
"I may have heard your take on the wills of perfect timing once … or a million times," Meredith teased lightly, feeling marginally better for a fleeting moment.
"I know, I know … let the old lady ramble on and on," Sissy said with a dramatic roll of her eyes.
Meredith giggled slightly. "No, you're fine," she smiled.
Sissy moved closer and smiled too. "You know – I still have a little money to offer you some daytime hours – not as many as the whole night shift, but a few late afternoon shifts …," she quietly calculated … just enough.
"Just enough …," Meredith murmured, her heart racing now as her tears gathered. "Just enough …thank you for everything … again," she whispered, her voice cracked and all of a sudden she couldn't see straight.
Within seconds she was swept out to sea – and it wasn't because she'd given up her job, her autonomy – it was more over Sissy's unconditional support and thoughtfulness. For it was no secret that Meredith never had someone in her life that cared for her like Sissy did; which is the reason she fought Derek so vehemently when it came to their collective idea for her to stay with Sissy and Charles. Meredith wanted to contribute pure and simple, she didn't just want to take – she didn't want a mother-daughter relationship with Sissy – even though for all intents and purposes, Sissy Marc was the only 'mother' she'd ever had. In the truest sense of altruism and connectivity, Meredith valued Sissy akin to a daughter's love for her mother and some of the time this scared the shit out of her. It came down to fear, way down deep, she was afraid – afraid to get too close because if she did – there would be something to lose.
The circle of her thoughts intensified with speed now – around and around and around they went – with no recourse, no accountability … just pure unadulterated emotion. The ebb and flow too great now as she felt herself slipping under – the heat of her body raging on and on – her emotions bottlenecking, the swell of the sea, the dull ache of her muscles at the forefront again, she knew could barely move if she tried – a sob wracked her body and then another – Sissy instinctually draped her arm over Meredith's shoulders, pulling her closer.
A horrified gasp escaped from Sissy's lips as she did. "You're burning up Meredith," she muttered, alarm laced throughout her voice, her hands immediately flanking Meredith's flushed face, her bare neck; she was more hot to the touch. "Look at me," she said firmly, staring straight into her green, misty eyes, searching now for clarity. "You're going to get sick again, you need to come with me or get to Derek's straight away," she cautioned – her heart lunging forward, pinch, pinch – catastrophizing now as those old memories of loss funneled to the surface once again.
Meredith conceded; the intense scrutiny of Sissy's eyes was enough to confirm there would be no argument. "I'm just so tired," she sighed after a moment, silently admonishing herself.
"Come home with me now," Sissy requested softly, her eyes scanning Meredith's – back and forth – searching, checking her over. "Our home is your home … even if for one night," she mused aloud, her heart pinching somewhere deep inside … one night, one night at home … with us.
"How about just a ride to the ferry docks … I want to rest and sleep and once I start …it might be days before I rise," Meredith smiled, she swallowed hard, hoping Sissy wouldn't be offended by her desire to decompress, to regain her strength and be alone – the peace and quiet of the land calling to her now, home, home, home – as was the solace of the trailer; for she really would be alone and that was just fine by her … Derek was on call.
"Well lets get you ready to go then," Sissy directed with a small understanding smile, for she understood Meredith more than Meredith thought she did – she was reluctant to leave her considering Derek's schedule – on the other hand, she knew from personal experience, in order for Meredith to truly recuperate from her ordeal she would need to be where she was comfortable and uninhibited.
***
Meredith sighed into the dry heat of the car, her throat scratchy, her nerves shot as Sissy pulled up to the ferry dock without incident. She unclasped her seatbelt and turned halfway toward her friend, she smiled weakly with one thought on her mind: home.
"Call if you need anything," Sissy said softly as she popped the trunk, watching now as the ferryboat docked, the vessel moving closer and closer and closer still.
"I'll call you regardless," Meredith answered with a small smile as she scanned Sissy's eyes, her hidden depths still on display. She leaned over and hugged her friend, immediately lost within her generous warmth, 'thank you, thank you, thank you', she chanted silently as they swayed slightly in one another's arms. "Thank you … for everything … you mean so much to me," she murmured, her voice cracking through her sentiments. Sissy sniffled, Meredith pulled back, the pair giggled, finding one another through their misty eyes. "We're a mess," Meredith chuckled.
"It would seem we are," Sissy agreed breathlessly – finding more clarity in Meredith's deep green eyes now – which left her feeling a bit more confident with the girl's decision to go home to Derek's where she belonged. She sighed. "You need rest Meredith … sleep and drink a lot of fluids and take some Tylenol for that fever … just sleep and let your worries ease for now," she advised, thinking now that she should heed her own advice, for Meredith would be just fine … Meredith was a survivor.
Meredith smiled, slowly getting used to this new element of their friendship. "I will … I promise," she breathed as she pulled on the door handle. "Thanks for the lift," she smiled before she closed the door and grabbed her things from the trunk, slinging one bag over each shoulder as she leaned down and waved to Sissy through the window before she got in line to access the ferry.
Sissy watched Meredith go and as she did, tiny unpredictable tears stung her eyes – she kept her gateways wide open and craned her neck back in an effort to force them into recession – her stifled sob filled the car and before she knew it her body convulsed, once, twice. She gripped the steering wheel in an effort to ground herself as she looked down and away for a beat, her eyes falling on the gear shift. She heaved a sigh and put the car into gear, slowly moving into a parking spot facing the water. The car idled and she kept her eyes on Meredith's tiny frame, retreating now as she walked in the small line and crossed over the ferryboat threshold and disappeared into the main passenger cabin.
She shook her head and said yet another small prayer of 'thanks' – Meredith would be fine, she closed her eyes tightly and willed it to be true – all the while the faint memories of those early days of watching her in the hospital crept back into her mind without recourse. The experience conjured up all sorts of memories for Sissy – the scent of the recycled air alone – a horrifying trigger scent she hadn't expected, one that covered her like a burlap sack with no air inside. She was suffocated and most nights she felt like she left Meredith's room without even her skin to protect her. Charles being out of town was no help either, she was inconsolable over the phone and he was crestfallen, knowing Sissy was in dire straits and he could not be there for her and Meredith.
For hospitals, especially Seattle Grace, had always been like that for her – the memories of loss simply too great to overlook – but when Meredith fell ill, Sissy did something that even she couldn't believe she did … she willingly and tenaciously followed Meredith there, keeping her mind in the present – while keeping her past and her suffocating woes and creeping grief at bay – to keep a watchful eye on Meredith because she had no one to count on and because for the first time in a long time, if ever, it felt good to 'mother' someone instinctually.
And so even though she fought it at first, she let herself go there eventually – to that dark place she had avoided for so long – this place of motherhood, the one that had eluded her for her lifetime… the one she longed for despite the strong wills of her fate and destiny.
And so after all these years, that instinctual desire coupled with the potential loss of Meredith catapulted Sissy into the wild blue, the unknown … and unfamiliar … and with it, she went willingly.
And once there, she found herself at the edge of oblivion again – the death of their infant baby staring at her in the face with every turn she made – her sweet, innocent baby boy who lived for only one painful day twenty eight years ago before the hole in his heart gave out and the chasm of his death swallowed them entirely … shattering their dreams into a million unrecognizable pieces.
And while there inside the hospital with Meredith – the mother deep inside of Sissy flourished – and for once in her life, she let it … she didn't balk, she didn't run away, instead she embraced it – for Meredith needed someone, Meredith needed her – and especially because there was no other baby, never did they try for another, the loss of life too great and too painful to fathom the possibility of living through something like that again … until now … until Meredith fell ill and needed them.
The ferryboat began to move slowly, pulling back, far and away now … and with it, Sissy felt a tug deep within her heart – Meredith was strong, strong enough to overcome a fever, she had no hole in her heart, she had only love – albeit love that needed some coaxing, but it was there nonetheless. Sissy's tears receded – she had to constantly remind herself of that Meredith was healthy – that she was strong woman and was learning to count on her and Charles and Derek for the support she needed and for that Sissy was relieved.
She sighed and watched the ferry lights became dim, dwarfed now by the thick fog that surrounded the vessel until they were gone and out of sight. She had it in her mind to call Derek and inform him of Meredith's condition, but then she smiled when she realized Meredith would likely call him herself. For as much as Meredith was strong and strong-willed – she was powerless when it came to Derek – for he had tipped her to the side and led her astray … deep into the wild blue yonder … where she belonged.
***
Meredith found an empty row of seats and sat down, exhaustion following her – for she couldn't evade it if she tried – she closed her for a beat and focused on the pulley of the ferryboat, imagining the weight of the boat as it pressed the water down and out of its way. Her fever spiking as Sissy's words echoed in her mind while the ferry carried her home – yes, she needed to rest and recuperate – the world as she knew it crashing down around her now as she felt the pressure she had been holding on to with regards to maintaining the strength for that 'wee hour' shift.
From her window seat, Meredith watched the city lights disappear through the fog, she shivered; her hot skin rubbing against the mosquito net of damp, cool air. Shrugging her shoulders, she burrowed deeper into her coat – her core smoldered – her body shook against the fire within for it was no use; she was cold despite her raging fever. Sighing, she closed her eyes again – the ferryboat moved her forward and Meredith found herself further submitting to her weaknesses – she needed rest ... she needed people in her life to care about her – she needed people to care about – and it was okay, this newfound idea of give and take.
The ferryboat pressed on and forward, effortlessly carrying her home all the while pushing her to her outer limits, her toes still resting at the edge of a precipice – this plateau she had landed upon when she woke up in the hospital staring into Derek Shepherd's endless gateways – each searching for answers only to met with their own reflections, a subtle reminder to look within for the answers they so desired to find.
And for the first time in her life Meredith opened her book and even left a page marker – sure she was vulnerable still – but she felt a certain innate trust for Sissy and Charles and even Derek … and it was enough for now – although she was certain it would become more later, so certain now as the wild blue of Derek's eyes found her – yes, yes … he would become more to her later, she was certain of that and as she dared herself to think the unthinkable, a small smile premiered along her tired face with this realization: There was no turning back … her book was wide open and so was his.
Eyes still closed, Meredith lost herself for a beat of time – 'Derek' – she whispered from somewhere deep inside, her body still humming with fever, the ferryboat still moving forward –'Derek' – she whispered again, his name rolling off of her tongue like raindrops down a window. She sank deeper into herself –'Derek' – she as almost home … her heart lunging forward now into the great unknown without looking back. She closed her eyes even tighter still – 'Derek' – focusing now on her intense heartbeat, daring herself once again to believe the unbelievable – swept away by her conversation with Derek the other night – his words swirling around and around, her indelible heartbeat still tangled through the web of her mind.
***
The pair had met for an early dinner, Derek coming over to the library before Meredith's shift, whisking her off to a secluded local's diner on the outskirts of campus – an older place with a broad menu and self-named 'world' famous entrees – the kind of place that was open three-hundred and sixty-five days a year and would likely be around forever.
Meredith sighed a good hour later as they walked back to campus shoulder to shoulder, a satisfied smirk etched along her face as they went, thinking now about the greasy overhead lights and how Derek's eyes were illuminated, still – like he had an intimate secret, one that surely involved her – as they chatted freely, sitting across from one another, each with an oversized deli sandwich, sharing those not-so-awkward glances with a heaping plate of 'world famous' French fries situated between them – Meredith enjoying the delicacy one after another after another while Derek sat idly by and watched her – an amused smile spread across his handsome face … a smile Meredith could get used seeing all the time.
A gust of wind barreled through the deserted quadrangle and woke her up, the overcast skies hung low, providing just the right amount of privacy now as the pair ascended the library steps and slipped inside … the warmth still felt like home, crossing over the threshold was like entering some strange alternative universe, one in which she used to live in. Derek rested his hand low along her back before he promptly stopped to face her inside a small pocket of privacy just inside the foyer. He stepped closer and pressed his lips together, the warm air pricked Meredith's cheeks and she felt the sensation move across her skin there. Derek cocked his head and reached out, moving his fingertips along her flushed skin before he spoke in a hushed tone.
"Does this feel like a date to you?" he asked hesitantly, his eyes searching hers in the dim shadowy light – back and forth, back and forth they went – the heat from his body covering her like a blanket straight out of the dryer.
Meredith froze, her heart stopped beating. "I don't know …," she sighed, looking down, watching Derek's shoes now as he shifted on his feet. She looked up. "I've … never dated before, does it … to you, do you want this ..," she choked out and then cleared her throat. Bang, bang went her heart. "Do you want this … to be a date …?" she asked softly before she swallowed hard – 'say 'yes' … no, no, say 'no'' – she sighed inside, her eyes locked on his now. She blinked.
"I think you know … I do …," he whispered, his voice raspy, the heat between them intense. He stepped even closer as he reached up and slipped his hand into her wild, damp tresses, holding her inside the moment.
"I … ah …," she gasped, no words came to her mind – no playful retort, no plea for him to stop teasing her – just her heart and the way it banged against her chest, the air between them became hotter even still. She swayed on her feet, the intimacy almost too much to bear, her coat suddenly felt like the weight of a thousand blankets.
"Breathe Meredith," Derek murmured before he chuckled. "I'm not going to bite … yet," he chuckled again, drawing her near.
"Derek …," Meredith breathed, her voice hitched. "I'm not … that girl … this girl," she sighed deeply, inhaling a gulp of his familiar essence.
"What type of girl are you then, hmm?" Derek persisted, pushing her chin up, he locked his endless, shimmering gateways on hers.
She cleared her throat. "I'm … I'm just the girl at a bar," she said softly, afraid to look away for fear he might disappear. "I'm the girl who can't commit for more than … for more than one night," she confessed, waiting for him to flinch, but he never did. "Or I was … it's been …years …," she muttered, leaning into Derek's grip on her shoulders, she connected, grounding herself.
"Then I'll be the guy at a bar," Derek answered with a small cocky grin. "The one that changes all that … the one you finally commit to for … ever," he breathed, gathering her into his arms for a lingering hug, one in which they swayed together and closed their eyes and basked in the moment of connectivity.
"Says the guy who's looking for love in all the wrong places," Meredith whispered after a minute or so. Her heart swelled, pinch, pinch … 'please, please give me some time … don't leave me'.
Derek pulled away and smiled. "See that's where you're wrong … I wasn't looking … not anymore, the effort … was futile … until you just materialized," he smiled wistfully, his blue eyes scanning hers. "Take all the time you need, I'm not going anywhere," he answered her unasked question, before he pressed his warm, supple lips to her temple where they stayed.
***
The ferryboat inched forward and slowly docked effectively waking Meredith up. Everything was quiet for a half of a second before the interior cabin became full with life and light. The few passengers scuffled out of the doors – swing, swing they went – until she was alone for a stolen beat of time, she was almost home. She stood and grabbed her bags as quickly as she could. A shiver of her fever coursed through her entire body as she fished the truck keys from the inside pocket of her bag and made her way off the ferry.
Traveling by rote now, Meredith arrived at the trailer within about ten minutes, virtually leaving the world behind as she slid off the driver's seat, grabbed her bags and closed the door behind her. The wind howled as it moved along the clearing, the earth crackled under her feet – the trees rustled overhead – and everything was just how she left it … she was home. She took a deep breath of the fresh organic air – sage, pine, sea, earth, salt were all there – and let the essence consume her for a moment, just enough time to allow her lungs to rejuvenate. She smiled as ascended the steps and swiftly entered the small living space she and Derek called home.
Once inside, she took another deep breath and let that too fill her tired lungs. She slipped her jacket off and hung it up and dropped her bags on the small table there, retrieving the cell phone before she crossed the small space and switched the light over the stove on – the space all around her softly illuminated now – Meredith's eyes scanned the area of her home, her enclave, her safe place …and just as she always did, she said a small prayer of 'thanks', raw emotion caught up with her again, overwhelming tears pricked her eyes … she was blessed.
She sighed with relief, she filled a glass of water and grabbed a small bottle of Tylenol along with the cell phone and headed for bed. She set her wares down on the bedside table, her textbooks and medical journals taking second place for once as she promptly ignored them along with a superfluous copy of one of her syllabi … she'd get to that when she could lift her head from her pillow.
For now, all she had to focus on was her weekend here alone, regrettably Derek was on call. She eyed the cell phone and thought call him now and touch base as she leaned down and peeled her jeans off, promptly followed by her shirt and socks. Wearing only her panties and a tank top, she slipped into the cool, familiar bed linens and let her head become quiet. Her fever rocked her core now, her skin cooled by the linens, she rolled over – she could take Tylenol to reduce her fever, but she'd go without for a while longer – a firm believer that her body needed the fever in its arsenal to fight infection. She didn't want to impede her body and now that she was at home, she naturally felt better … more relaxed.
Peace and quiet filled Meredith up moment by moment now – she had time, time to recuperate, time to think, time to heal and to ponder the wayward way of her heart – she smiled deep inside and closed her eyes, Derek's energy was all around her and she felt peace … she was no longer alone.
She rolled over again and pulled the comforter up and around her shoulders, burrowing deeper into that velvety darkness of sleep. And just like so many times since she had met Derek, she found his eyes in the vast darkness – those wild blues she'd come to count on – yeah, she had plenty of time – 'take all the time you need, I'm not going anywhere' – came Derek's voice … 'and neither am I' she wordlessly replied as she slipped under and let the peace in her heart and the raging fever of her body heal her now like never before.
Chapter 10 – Wild Blue Yonder – Part 2 of 2 to follow.