It had been almost an hour since Maura had put her daughter back in the bassinet after a feeding and returned to bed. The clock flashed 3:27 AM and she was far from sleep.
Tomorrow, or today rather, would be her first day back to BPD in months. Her mind swirled with excitement, fear and nerves...
Am I prepared to go back? Am I ready to leave Lu? Does Angela have everything she needs for tomorrow? Is there enough pumped milk in the freezer? Did Jane put the extra pump in the car or do I need to grab it in the morning? What if the lab has changed since I've been away? What if—
"Maura, go to sleep," Jane grumbled in her slumber as she rolled over to pull her wife against her. She rested her chin on top of Maura's head and Maura snuggled in against her chest.
"How did you know I was awake?" Maura asked curiously, her lips tickled Jane's skin as she spoke.
"I can practically hear you thinking," Jane replied.
"That's not poss—"
"I know," Jane cut her off, "I can feel the tension. What's happening in the brain of yours, huh?" she asked as she played with Maura's hair, hoping the calming action would lull her to sleep.
After a long pause, Maura answered.
"Is it horrible that I'm excited?" she asked seriously.
Maura felt Jane's head shake atop her own.
"No. Not at all. And before you even ask it, no, that does not make you a bad mom. Looking forward to going back to a job you love and are passionate about does not make you a bad mom."
Maura smiled against Jane's skin, feeling lucky to have someone who understands her.
"Thank you," she said and lightly kissed Jane's throat.
Jane responded by pulling her closer.
"What else?" Jane asked.
"Hm?"
"Oh come on, Dr. Isles. I know that wasn't the only thing keeping you up. What else?"
A gentle laugh escaped Maura's mouth before she continued on with what was on her mind.
"I'm nervous," she said honestly.
"You? Nervous?!" Jane mocked surprise and repositioned herself so she and her wife were face to face. She reached out to move the hair out of Maura's eyes before she continued, "About work or leaving Lu?"
"Both."
"I don't think you should feel nervous about the work part. You're brilliant and you're amazing at what you do. I bet you could be away for years and still be able to do a perfect Y-incision… with you eyes closed."
"Jane," Maura laughed.
"We both know it's true. I bet after an hour you'll feel right at home. As far as leaving Lu, well, I was nervous about that too."
Maura looked at her wife before gently pushing her to lay on her back so she could rest her head on Jane's chest. Jane obliged and tangled one hand in Maura's hair, the other slipped beneath her shirt to run her fingers against smooth, warm skin.
"How did you get through it?" Maura whispered her question. "How did you get through the day without seeing her or worrying about her. How did you manage to think about anything else?"
"Knowing she was home with her mamma certainly helped," Jane replied. "And knowing that I had the two of you to look forward to at the end of the day… something to fight for."
"That's sweet," Maura replied with a smile and reached her right hand up to trace the hem of Jane's tank top. "I love you."
"I know," Jane replied and kissed Maura's forehead. "I love you too."
"She'll be ok, Maur. And so will we."
Minutes passed and Jane thought Maura had finally fallen back to sleep when her quiet, sleepy voice whispered, "Jane?"
"Yeah?"
"I know Angela has agreed to watch Lu during the week, but—" she paused.
"But what?"
"Would it be alright if I asked my mom?" she asked and quickly added, "not instead of your mother, but, maybe they could do it together? Or have an alternating schedule. I just… I want my mom to have a second chance. To be better. I want her to get to know her granddaughter."
Jane smiled and rubbed her wife's back before responding, "Of course, Maur. Absolutely."
xxxx
Maura was the first to get out of bed the next morning. While she showered, did her makeup and got dressed, Jane slept until Luna's quiet whimper pulled her from sleep. She then changed her daughter's diaper, got her dressed and held her against her chest while she started the coffee pot.
And then, as if they had been doing the routine for years, Maura entered the kitchen just as Jane poured coffee and too much cream into a mug.
"Your turn," Maura said as she transferred Lu to her arms.
"Thirty minutes, tops," Jane replied with kiss before taking the stairs two at a time.
Maura heard the shower turn on as she moved about the kitchen, one handedly packing both of their lunches. She smiled as Luna's tiny hand seemed to press harder against her chest when she turned on the blender to make her fruit and kale smoothie.
"It's okay sweetheart," she whispered and placed a gentle kiss to her daughter's forehead.
Maura poured the liquid into her to-go cup and placed it in the fridge, closing it after counting the bottles of milk.
"Come on baby," she cooed as she walked over to the couch and sat back against the cushions. "Let's feed you before grandma gets here." She rested her daughter against her thighs as she pulled her shirt over her head and slipped open the material of her nursing bra.
"There we go," Maura said when Luna latched on and looked up her mamma. "Hi darling," she whispered with a smile and swiped her thumb against Lu's cheek. She melted when her daughter's tiny hand went to rest on Maura's breast. "I can't believe you're two months old already," she said in awe.
"Mama and I are going back to work today," she began in a quiet, gentle voice. Maura found herself talking more and more to her daughter as the weeks went on, knowing it was good for her development, but also loving the way Luna looked at her, like she was hanging on every word. Maybe it was all in her head, but it didn't matter; she'd continue doing it, regardless.
"I'm going to miss you so much and I'll be thinking about you all day. But I know you're going to be just fine. Grandma Rizzoli is going to take such good care of you and tomorrow you might get to see Grandma Isles."
Somehow, Jane managed to make it downstairs without alerting Maura of her presence. Before entering the living room, she paused outside the entryway when she heard her wife's voice. She leaned her back against the wall and listened, smiling with each word.
"You'll be alright," Maura continued. "I...I'll be alright. It's just a few hours and then mamma and I will be home to snuggle with you and make you smile. We'll have tummy time and mamma will read you a story and then you and I will have our special time together," she chokes out before laughing. "I'm sorry," she said breathily and wiped the single tear that trailed down her cheek. "Mamma would say mommy is being silly. But I'm really going to miss you," she admits, watching her daughter's eyes start to flutter shut, "Don't do anything too cute while we're gone, ok? I love you."
At that moment, Jane entered the room after wiping her own eyes. She walked over to the couch where Maura had just pulled up the flap on her nursing bra and rested her daughter against her chest.
Jane stood behind the back of the couch, smiling down her favorite people in the world. She reached out with her hand to gently cup her wife's cheek and wiped away another tear that had fallen. "I love you," she said and transferred Luna into her arms for a burping, giving Maura a chance to put her shirt back on.
Dressed, Maura walked around the couch and let Jane pull her in for a hug.
"My girls," Jane whispered and kissed Maura's head. Maura smiled and snuggled closer, reaching out to tickle her daughter's toes.
The trio stayed like that for a few minutes longer until Luna was sound asleep against her mamma. Jane and Maura didn't pull away until they heard a knock on their backdoor.
"Ready?" Jane asked.
"No...yes. No. Yes?"
Jane laughed and playfully pinched Maura's side. "It's gonna be ok, Maur."
"I know."
"We can always FaceTime if we need to," Jane said, pulling a full laugh from her wife's throat.
Another, more urgent, knock finally made the two pull away.
"I'm surprised she's knocking and not just barging in here," Jane replied as she went to open the door.
"Me too," Maura said, just as surprised.
After a few minutes of getting settled, Maura went to open her mouth but was cut off by Angela.
"Milk's in the fridge, feeding schedule on the counter, everything I could ever possibly need is in the nursery, and if I have any questions, I'll call you," Angela said in one long breath. "My grandbaby is gonna be just fine."
Maura and Jane exchanged looks before Maura pulled Angela into a hug and whispered, "Thank you."
After a few more kisses to their daughter's head, Jane grabbed her keys, Maura grabbed her smoothie and lunches from the fridge and as if they had planned it, one phone rang, another buzzed.
"Rizzoli."
"This is Dr. Isles."