Chapter 10: Like the heart goes Part Two

Summary:

It's been a long time coming but sometimes circumstances present themselves that are impossible to ignore.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes)

It had been one of the longest evening in Dean's life and he could not wait to get home, the traffic had been most clear on his way home and he made good time less than a hour. When Dean finally pulled up in front of his place he pauses as he notices someone on his front stoop and instinctively reaches for his gun. He watches a figure by his door, he cannot work out who it is as it is dark on the stoop. He slides out the car, and locks her quietly and almost laughs to himself about how useless this person is to have not heard his baby's engine rolling down the street. But with the other passing traffic he supposes it is easy to tune it all out if you are not hearing out for it. He places his hand on his gun, ready to pull it from his holster as soon as he gets a better look at the perp at his door. He steps closer slowly as he glances up and stops in his tracks his face twisting in confusion as he walks up the stoop to the figure that is practically hunched over towards the floor.

"What are you doing here?" Dean demands

The figure straightens up and jumps round clutching a 6 pack of beer and some bag to his chest. "DEAN!" Cas sighs evidently relieved.

"Cas, what are you doing here so late at night and would you please explain what you were doing?" Dean asks as his arms fold across his chest he had, had a long day he did not want to be troubled with more work right now, and as much as it's nice to see Cas, he doesn't want to do work right now and one moment, is he holding beer? And what's the other bag?

"I was searching for a key to let myself in Dean, you have been ignoring my calls and you did not respond to the messages I sent you, I was worried I had upset you so I came baring pie and beer, to make amends as you taught me I should." Cas explains holding out the beer towards Dean, and holding up the bag with some boxes in it.

"Cas you idiot, I told you I was busy working today, I have been at a dumb gala fundraising event all night." He shakes his head and steps around Cas and opens his door and he is tempted to walk in and shut the door on Cas he really doesn't want to talk work right now. And worst still what if someone had left something behind in his house? How would he explain it to Cas? He really doesn't know what to do, after all how can he send Cas away after that look in his eyes this morning. He steps into his home and stops turning back to Cas, "Why are you here and not just ringing me until I answer?"

Cas pauses and glances at Dean feeling a little put on the spot he did not know how to explain what had drawn him over just that he felt like he had to be here. "I came with beer and pie to hang out Dean, as we had discussed before."

Dean eyed him sceptically. "No work?" He challenges.

Cas shakes his head. "I am not here about work I came here because I was concerned for my friend, should I just leave?"

Dean almost says yes but he shakes his head no far too quickly "Just come inside Cas, we'll have this beer and that pie, no point wasting it as you brought it all the way over here" Dean steps aside to let Cas in, his mind racing to thoughts he hadn't yet thought of. But he knew his plan to spend the night searching for the something he had been missing was now off the table because Cas had decided to become a social caller all of a sudden, Dean walked through his home slipping out of his shoes and shrugging off his jacket as he lead Cas through the house.

Cas looked around and shut the door behind him slipping of his shoes and jacket as Dean does, he walks through the dining room behind Dean noting the books and smiling "this place is wonderful Dean." Cas smiled and walked into the kitchen his eyes now on Dean as he watched him move around the kitchen wondering what he is getting.

Dean pulls some plates out and sets them on the work surface, he runs his hand along the black marble top turning his gaze to Cas as he tries to root himself into staying right here. "So what pie did you bring Cas?"

Cas places the bag upon the side and turns until his gaze falls on the fridge and he walks over placing the beers in the fridge and takes out two cold ones then walks back to Deans side. "I was uncertain of what you wished for so there is Apple, Cherry and Peach…."

"You brought three pies with you?" Dean chuckled and pulls the boxes out the bag setting them down opening them up taking a smell of each his stomach groaning as the scent hits him and he remembers he hasn't eaten since before lunch. "You didn't need to bring three pies Cas" Dean grins.

"And your smile assures me had I turned up with only one you would have been disappointed." Cas smiles and holds up a beer "Where is the bottle opener Dean?" He asks as he moves around him and starts opening up draws.

Dean knows his insides should be twisting he should be concerned because Cas is acting far too familiar in his home and he could find something, who knows what his so called stalker friend WB has left around the house to be found. However, maybe this is Cas when he has been told to let loose and live a little more open and relaxed and who was he to try to squash that, it was what he wanted for Cas to relax more. Dean laughs a little and points to the one beside he is currently pulling open. "Open that one, it's in there" he smiles as he grabs a knife and cuts out a large slice of apple and peach closing the cherry box for later. He cuts Cas two slices too and then grabs two forks setting them on the plates as he shuts the other boxes and then places all three in the fridge to keep until later. "Come on Cas, hurry up before I decide you can take your pie to go," He winks at Cas,

Cas stares over at Dean and holds up the bottle opener "I got it, so be patient Dean, I am opening your beer for you now." Cas nods and flips the lids off and carries them into the dining room he was about the set the beers down as Dean muttered from the door.

"Cas I been at work all day, living room, where I can relax and enjoy this slice of pie in comfort"

"Two slices, two mammoth slices" Cas corrected him,

"Don't be such a wise ass…. Cas how did you get here tonight?" Dean asks as he walks through to the front room and settling onto the couch placing Cas' plate on the coffee table.

"Well… I came by taxi if you must know" Cas shrugged, and then placed the beers on the coasters on the table before taking a seat next to Dean.

"Dude there are chairs and you basically sit on top of me?" Dean huffs as he stretches out and leans back bringing his plate up to under his chin.

"Dean you could fit the titanic between us, I am not sat upon you or even close to you, this couch looked the most comfortable" Cas propositioned his point and shrugged grabbing his beer and drinking down large smooth gulps. Dean didn't need to know that it took him several beers to call for the taxi, and further couple to get into the taxi, however the 40 minuet journey across town had been quite a sobering ride. However now within the warm confines of this home, the alcohol effects are still evidently present making Cas question his judgment to be so open. But he knew the alcohol had nothing to do with that, he had already decided if he came here he was not hiding behind his insecurities, he was here as Dean's friend. Cas smiled as he shuffled back to get into a comfy spot tucking his legs up under him as he pulled the plate up to him and started to taste the pie grinning as he did so. The moans that slipped from his lips were neither intentional or under his total control; and he was certain that had not escaped Deans attention judging by the way he was looking at him.

"Cas, titanic or not between us, it is no way near safe for you to even contemplate making those noises around pie, people will talk" Dean grinned and scooped mouthful after mouthful into his mouth trying to saviour each bite but he was too hungry.

"Coming from you Dean that seems not so much a threat as a challenge" Cas grinned and continued eating his pie except now he was flushing slightly as he tried to control his noises a little better.

Dean stared over at Cas and tried to put his finger on what was so different about this Cas from the one in the bar the other night, or even the one in the coffee house this morning? There was something fundamentally different about his whole demeanour now and it was intriguing he had never seen Cas so relaxed before. And he decided he liked it, this version of his friend was far more laid back than usual uptight Cas. "maybe it is a challenge, then what are you going to do Cas?"

Cas stared over at Dean, his blustering confidence that was with him only moments before was seeping away from him fast, he felt assured before that he knew what he was doing, but now, right now he was losing ground on how sure he was all of this, he knew what he was doing here he knew what he needed. But now faced with it, his mind started to betray him, he looked over at Dean and kept his eyes fixed on his as he slowly ate another bite of pie. It was a strange sensation, the warm cinnamon taste on his tongue reminding him of warm nights curled up by the fire in winter, filling him with a sense of happiness and the taste was delicious as it burst across his tongue in such a way that it was like a parade across his senses. Then there were Deans eyes, the gaze that held him in place, he knew he was making the same pleased noises as before. His skin heating flushing his neck and cheeks red certain his chest was flushed too, but Deans eyes offered the solace he was craving. Those green tinted orbs held all the answers Cas wanted answering. He was certain in that moment he would do anything to keep this solace, whatever it takes to keep this, what ever it is that is here. He doesn't want to feel, except he does, he wants to feel only what Dean gets him to feel. But that is ranging through so many possibilities right now.

Dean stared at him shaking his head, "what have you done with my Cas?" he almost demanded but there was a smile and cheeky tone to his voice that assured Cas everything was ok he was just being different, and Dean was letting him know that he had noticed it. Dean was smiling, it was strange to see Cas like this, but how could he possibly sit there and tell him to go back to the shy reserved man who never spoke.

"Your Cas huh? Wasn't aware you owned one." Cas laughs slightly as he put his plate down and picked up his beer and added "'that' Cas is somewhere behind 7 of these" he nods and leans back into the couch.

"You know what I mean Cas… and wait what? That is your first beer isn't it?" Dean dropped his head and leaned in closer to Cas trying to tell.

"Well you know Dean, I needed a little assistance in coming over here" He admits flatly leaning towards Dean, his eyes focused despite the alcohol. It had been many hours since his first one and he was more sober than he wanted to admit too, but there was something freeing in blaming these actions and his lack of candour on alcohol consumption.

"You didn't… and yet you obviously did." He pauses "what I mean is, you didn't need to drink to come over you should have just come over Cas"

Cas leaned over and whispered "Must you always be so bossy Dean? Just eat your pie will you" Cas grinned and leaned back against the couch

Dean shook his head and then continued to eat his pie they turned the tv on and Dean couldn't help glancing across at Cas who no matter how late it got made no attempt to say he was leaving or going anywhere. Dean couldn't work out why he was here, there was obviously something he wanted and Dean didn't know what was on Cas' mind or how to read it. They sat through some old classics and he was surprised as Cas pretty much demanded they leave the original Godzilla on when they came across it, and was laughing at most of it.

Cas sat watching the TV his eyes every now and then glancing from the TV to Dean, he had no idea what to say or do now, sure they were talking about the movie and the usual small chit chat. But Cas didn't know how to explain to Dean why he was still at his house five hours and three movies later. The pie had gone and beers hardly touched. Cas twisted his body a little and stifled a yawn grateful he had no classes to teach tomorrow. He had the next two days off of campus work anyway. Eventually Cas realized he needed to either ask to stay or ask to call for a taxi home, he sat himself forwards on the edge of the couch and turned his attention to Dean, he paused as he licked over his lip and his eyes fell upon Dean who was for once staring at him expectantly. "Dean…" He started and stopped why was this so difficult, mostly because he didn't know what he wanted to ask for, or he knew but he didn't know how to explain it without sounding like he was becoming an over needy work colleague.

"Yes Cas?" Dean stared at Cas and waited, it had only took him almost six hours to finally get to asking for something and Dean wasn't about to fuck it up by talking over it.

"May I… urgh," Cas paused because another option suddenly flashed into his mind, thoughts of what Charlie had said and Dean's behaviour and their innocent touches suddenly sparked something within Cas, and well fuck, now what was he supposed to do? How would Dean react to this? He shouldn't be thinking such things, but just because he has mental health problems doesn't mean he doesn't know his own mind, he knows exactly what he is thinking and he knows exactly what this is. Dean is his equal he challenges Cas to think and then he has the ability to make it possible to escape when it gets all too much. And now here he was with the ability to ask for something.

Dean waved his hand in front of Cas' face the expression reminiscent of that time he got up and bolted away from him, sighing because he wasn't going to let that happen this time whatever is going on up there this time Dean was certain he was going to help Cas outta it. He placed his hands on Cas shoulders and shifted himself closer to Cas frowning as he tried to slowly shake him out of his thoughts. "Come on Cas, talk to me man, I know you are in there and I am not letting you get lost in there on your own again."

Cas became vaguely aware of Dean, shaking him. His eyes flicked up and he spotted the way Dean was looking at him, Deans words shaking through him rattling around inside his skull over and over again. Dean didn't want him to get lost within himself again, and he wanted to help him, it was as much as Cas could take, this wasn't new information to him but the sincerity in his voice and the look in his eyes spoke volumes more than the words actually did. "I am ok Dean, I apologise if I have caused you any alarm" Cas frowned and looked away now as the reality of his fantasy being nothing more than that came crashing down around him and he was struck with the notion to run, he didn't even care where he got to, he just needed to go. To be gone, because he was foolish to allow himself to become so comfortable, this was not his place to be comfortable.

Dean sighed he saw the shift happen before him but he was not going to let that happen again, he had the Cas here in his house he could and would help him. He didn't want Cas running off to his smarmy cousin, he would rather offer Cas a room here for the night if he didn't want to talk right now and he'd talk to him tomorrow. He reached out and placed his hand on Cas shoulder as squeezed it "Hey, Cas. Look at me. You have nothing to apologise for, do you need to talk about what's on your mind?" Dean paused and waited for Cas to look at him.

Cas leant into Dean's touch on his shoulder it was a welcoming warmth from the cold doubt he was feeling it was such a strange sensation. He used to turn to Dean and see him as his cold dark out from the world and now here he is sitting before him feeling as though Dean is the only source of warmth he could ever trust to keep him from the cold uncertainty of his thoughts. He looked away from Dean again, he couldn't keep his gaze on Dean's green caring eyes they held too much warmth within them right now, he couldn't work out who changed, had he changed or was Dean a different person right now? Where's the cold unerring darkness that was so welcoming before? Why is that dark place now full of warmth? Cas worried at his bottom lip and sighed softly shaking his head no he really didn't want to talk about it. "No Dean I do not want to talk about it" … but I do not want to go home either he thinks as he fixes his gaze to the almost empty bottle of beer on the table, but he doesn't know how to ask to stay or if he even should maybe Dean wants him to go.

Dean sighed as he placed his hand under Cas' chin crossing into Cas' personal space, he knew he was taking a risk here but he felt like he needed Cas to open up an trust him, to share whatever is on his mind with him. "Cas come on buddy, I am gonna need you, so don't shut me out ok?" Dean speaks softly, he'd had a few crash course tips from Sam on how to deal with Cas and he knew eye contact was a big thing if he could get Cas to look him in the eye he knew he could get him to open up. Cas was just a puppy like that. However what he hadn't counted on? How blue those damn eyes were when he was only inches away from him. The moment Cas' eyes flick up to meet his, Dean thinks maybe he forgot how to breathe and he just kinda sits there and stares as if Cas now had all the answers he was looking for and that was strange. Dean was used to being in control to knowing what he wants and how to get it. It is how he liked his life and sure Cas was different he hardly fit into his usual realm of control but Dean had presumed he was doing a good job and leading Cas along his path and getting the results he wanted. So why when he was sat actually soul staring into these eyes everything he thought was in place and made sense was faltering as though he hadn't controlled Cas ever, Cas was something no one could ever truly control it was just a hop along for the ride.

Cas' gaze met Deans and he let out a slight sigh, Deans words were effecting him and he did not wish to admit that, not to himself and certainly not to Dean. Was Dean even aware of what he was doing to him? Cas felt his skin warm under the pressure that Deans finger pads placed upon his jaw, Cas could not stop his gaze dropping between Deans lips and back to his eyes. How was Cas supposed to respond to this, this was an intimate touch was is not? He was sure this, was one of those touches he has heard others speak of; a gentle caress of skin under his chin, and this soul stare that he was not sure who initiated. Sure Dean made him look to him, but Dean did not force him to sit here and gaze into those eyes; that appeared to have differing shades of green flickering across them in the low light of this room, they held more questions now. He could see how desperately Dean was trying to draw Cas out of himself, he wanted him to open up, but how could he do that? How could he explain everything to Dean? Dean would never believe most of it, or he would believe all of it and demand he leave. He began to realize he had been sat there too long, too silent. But Dean appeared to be patiently waiting for something and Cas didn't know what would be the best course of action here, should he speak some half-truth and make excuses and leave, or should be react to this scene before him. But what if he was misreading this whole situation, then everything would be ruined and he would have no friendship to turn to when he needs solace from the unending barrage of the outside world. "I do not understand what you wish from me Dean."

"I want you to talk to me Cas" Deans grip tightened on Cas jaw, he didn't want Cas pulling away from him, not when he was certain he was close to Cas letting him in.

"There is nothing to talk about Dean" Cas reaffirms and glances away from Dean. Trying to refrain from blurting out anything inappropriate, Deans grip grew tighter and the emptiness that was once there was now filled with a vibrancy Cas could not understand, he did not understand what Dean was expecting to come from this situation.

"Bullshit Cas" Dean almost growled at him, his soft approach not working and as much as he didn't want Cas to shut him out he was running out of ideas on how to get him to open up. "You think I don't see you, well I do. And guess what? I am your partner, we have been through this a million times now. You just need to talk to me." Dean almost gritted out, his tone had changed he was feeling the effects of his day stirring within him, flashes of Cas being the one to end his unerring itch should have made him flinch but it made him lean in closer whispering though a clenched jaw. "Tell me where you went to, I saw you, you weren't here anymore, where were you?"

"I was here, with you. You are so blinded with your own need to solve me as the puzzle you think I am that you cannot even see what is right in front of you." Cas snapped, he recoiled at himself, he did not mean to spit those words so harshly at Dean. His eyes flew open wide as he pulled himself back from Deans grip and quickly got to his feet. "I am sorry Dean, I did not mean, My apologies I should not have, you are only trying to help me" Cas turned towards the door rambling now, " I should leave."

Dean sat in shock for a moment, he didn't expect Cas to sound so venomous when he spoke, the mild mannered professor was far from sight yet reappeared almost simultaneously, he almost didn't recognise the look in Cas' eyes for that spilt second and yet he knew it all too well. He jumped to his feet and grabbed Cas' elbow stopping him from leaving. "You are not leaving, you are going to sit down and explain yourself Cas" Dean yanked on his arm and turned him back to him once again his eyes locked on to Cas' but this time Cas' eyes were much darker than before.

Cas let out a sharp exhale as he glared at Dean, how could such an intuitive man be so stupid. Cas shook his head and his eyes narrowed. "There is nothing to explain to you Agent Winchester" Cas growled, and he saw the look in Deans eye, a flash of hurt that he covered over quickly with a look of anger. Cas needed to do this he needed to distance himself right now because he was too close, too close to falling into the abyss he craves. It is right here in front of him and he is struggling against the tide. He wants to loose himself and not feel anything. If Dean knew that is how he felt then he would not be welcome here any longer he was certain of it.

"Agent?" Dean almost spat the word but his jaw still clenched tight made it so he did not. "If that is how you truly feel Professor Novak, why the fuck did you show up on my door with beer and pie?" Dean broadened his stance, his rage was simmering under his surface, if he threw Cas out now he would have a few hours to go and indulge his ever growing needs and desires. "You are full of such bullshit Cas!"

Cas stared mouth agape at Dean, he hadn't expected that response, but what other response should he expect? "Obviously it was a bad decision to come here." Cas muttered his gaze falling away from Dean.

"You think? You know what Cas, everything you do is fucking calculated to precision so don't give me that, you wanted to come here. Who are you trying to deceive here? Yourself?" Dean growled as he tightened his grip on Cas' elbow forcing him to acknowledge him.

Cas flicked his gaze back to Dean and glared at him. "Let me go Dean, I am going to leave."

"That's right Cas, you take off and fucking run, you know considering you are so good at reading people why don't you fucking read me!" Dean refuses to let go of Cas he wanted Cas to stay and face this not run away. Even though he was putting himself out there he was certain Cas wouldn't see anything he shouldn't, or maybe he has and that's where he is going to go. To go and report his findings, well fuck that. No Cas would stay and talk this out, one way or another Cas was staying willingly or not.

"You have no idea what you are talking about Dean. You believe I am doing this because I enjoy this? I have to leave. I have no choice." Cas spoke he felt his rage waning, but he still needed to leave he could not stay here he needed away from Dean, he could not allow himself to settle into the abyss so easily it would prove more than difficult to pull himself back out if he fell in now.

"I don't know what I'm talking about? 'Course not! You shut me out, I thought we are friends Cas, but you just fucking run away like a coward instead of facing this like a man" Dean glowered his shoulders rolling back chest expanding as he tries to keep control. Cas for some reason was pushing on all his buttons and Dean was one snarky remark from taking Cas and forcing him into his damn hidey hole and ruining everything. Dean needed to get a grip, this day had been too much on him, he should throw Cas out. But No, Dean Winchester did not give up on family, well shit when did Cas jump from work acquaintance to friend to family? This really had been a long fucking day.

"There is nothing here to face Dean! I am not a coward, you will never understand how any of this works" Cas bites back shaking his head, he doesn't know how to explain this to Dean, how can he make Dean understand this isn't about shutting him out, he just wants to leave before mistakes are made here.

"You know what Cas, all that I hear outta your mouth is fucking self-denial bull shit, so pack that shit up and get a damn grip!" Dean hisses and glares at Cas his hands now gripping both of Cas' biceps squeezing tightly needing Cas to look at him. He needed to see what was going on inside that head of his. Dean felt so angry at this situation, at Cas, how could Cas be treating him like this now? He should show Cas who he truly is, maybe then Cas would think twice about trying to walk out.

Cas stared at Dean the added danger behind his eyes made it impossible for Cas to shake it off, he had never seen Dean express himself in this way before. Cas wanted to curl up inside this and stay with it. This anger, the danger it would be a shield from everything else, Cas stopped thinking of ifs, buts, maybes and why, he just shrugged out of Deans grip and stepped forwards and simultaneously reached and grabbed his shoulders gripping on to Dean tight as he crushed his lips to him. It was hasty and uncoordinated.

It quickly dissolved into a clash of teeth and tongue, much to Cas surprise Dean's hand flew up and instantly pressed into the back of Cas head, his short nails dug into scalp as he gripped on to the short hair at the back of Cas head. They worked through unspoken arduous words in the kiss, what started out as a harsh, tooth clashing brutal kiss, that Cas was certain was bruising his lips slowed into something else, his tongue slid against Deans and welcomed Dean into his mouth. He was more than aware of the noises he was making this time, it put the sounds he made around the pie to shame. He found it hard to care because for once he wasn't feeling, he was falling into his abyss of freedom his fingers dug into Deans shoulders and eventually they stopped kissing parting to breathe. Cas panted with a slight smirk starting to curl at the edges of his lips. "Still believe I am full of bullshit Dean?" It was freeing for Cas now, he had welcomed that feeling, stepped into it and his freedom was now right there for him. He did not need to feel concerned about reactions or feeling too much because right here he didn't have to feel anything but Dean, he had his abyss, his escape that was better than any meditation technique he could ever use.

"Shut up Cas" Dean rolled his eyes and tugged hard at the hair on the back of Cas head, then he used the same grip to push Cas' head back to his, his lips meeting Cas' now biting at his bottom lip as pulled on it Dean sucked slightly before letting go. "Still think it's bullshit that it took you this long to admit you wanted this."

"Not admitting to anything Dean" Cas shrugged as he pushed Dean back towards the couch.

Dean smirked as he drew Cas back down on to the couch muttering as he kissed him again, "You will Cas…"

Notes:

The next chapter will pick up from this one and will contain sexual content and it isn't all plain sailing from here on out, this is just a spark of a light in a dark that is looming in the coming chapters.