THE PERILS OF PERPUGILLIAM
Being the 10th Part of the Tontine Chronicles
Dramatis Personae
The Doctor of Gallifrey, the 6th of his line, a gaudily dressed time-traveller.
Giacomo Casanova of Venice, also a traveller, a bounder of the first order.
A Man of Paris, unhappily married.
Perpugilliam Brown, friend of the Doctor, also known as Peri.
A Chambermaid in a Paris hostelry.
Various background extras as appropriate, to suggest the people of Paris
Act I
Paris 1750. A street at dusk.
(Enter Peri and the Doctor, the latter carrying fishing rods. Parisian citizens are in the street, passing by, going about their business. They look curiously at the Doctor and Peri. One by one, they all exit, leaving the Doctor and Peri alone)
Peri It is discomforting, is it not, to attract so many quizzing, unadmired looks? Walking dry city streets with angling impedimenta, and in your fashionless attire, looking more harlequin than fisherman!
Doctor'Tis the fault of the Tardis we are displaced so! My aim was fishing the Richmond waters fair in the time of King Hank Eight and Thomas More, that mismatched pair!
Peri We are centuries out, in that particular quest for trout. Ah, pity the workman poor, basest of all fools, pinning the blame on his tools.
Doctor Well, this fool bids you a temporary adieu. I seek employment for my rod.
(Doctor exits)
Peri I hope he means what I think he means, and not the vision appearing unbidden in my addled dreams! My time is my own, now he has taken umbrage at my minor aside. It is ever so with this particular son of Gallifrey, whose hot temper resides less than skin-deep in him. I sometimes wish this changling had never changed, and my gentle-faced companion had remained, rather than be left behind, victim of the Androzani spectrox, so unkind. Do I stay or do I go? Should I seek adventure elsewhere or wait here for his temper to cool as it will? On balance, the latter seems the lesser ill.
(She sits on a step)
I hope he will not be long be. A maiden alone may face many a peril navigating a safe course in this particular sea. But Lo! What is that? An evening star in yonder sky seems to have lost all sense of gravity! It falls, as did my spirits when the Doctor thoughtlessly abandoned me. I fear it is aiming true! To be squashed flat here in this famous city: is that my sad destiny?
(A glass orb rolls across from the wings to rest at her feet)
Is this celestial messenger for me? It seems tranquill in repose, but I worry it may explode! Oh if only the harlequin Doctor were here with his explanatory technobabble. All would be clear. But he seeks piscine sport elsewhere and I am left to my own devices, I fear.
(She picks it up tentatively)
It feels dead. As cold as ice. A shell of drained energies. I shake it but nothing rattles. It is as empty as a robbed tomb. But from whence and why? A mystery. Alas, poor goldfish bowl, I know you not at all.
(Enter Casanova)
Casanova Methinks it fell around here. Ah, maiden fair. I see you have found the fallen star I espied from afar.
Peri It is of cool glass, not blazing sun. An orb fallen to ground, yet not shattered, still maintaining circumference round.
Casanova It is an orb, true. But it cannot compete with the orbs wimpled 'neath your pretty bodice, blue. Those indeed are the stuff of a man's dreams and blaze in their own glory!
Peri Sirrah! I am unused to such direct ministrations! Please desist!
Casanova How much, pray, would you have me pay?
Peri This fallen globe is not for sale. I have a friend scientific who would its secrets unveil. I await his return even now.
Casanova You misunderstand me. When a maiden sits alone at dusk in this place I conclude she is willing to trade in the oldest profession. One orb will not do, when you have a pair such as those upon you!
Peri You conclude wrong! I am no harlot. I'll thank you to leave me in peace and seek your pleasures elsewhere apace. I am not of this time and not of this place.
Casanova But you are sweet of body and face. Is not the eternal game betwixt sexes played out in your race?
Peri Of course. Needs of procreation must and there still exists base lust. Some met by transaction, but not by me. I am not of that faction, do you not see?
Casanova Then I sincerely apologise my faux pas. I would beg you accept this humble token in restitution, sweet lass.
Peri What is it?
Casanova A gift to me. From a strange man of the skies who, in gratitude, rewarded me when I pulled him from his crashed fiery chariot, years past. He spake it would melt to me any creature of a stubborn heart. Then he did skyward depart.
(He sprays Peri with perfume mist)
Peri 'Tis strange. It makes my head spin so.
Casanova You are mine now: your body, your soul, your eyes, your hair. What would'st I call you, maiden fair?
Peri I am Perpugilliam Brown, from the colonies afar.
Casanova Perpugilliam? A pretty tongue-twister, I'm bound to aver.
Peri, You may call me Peri...darling.
Casanova And I am Giacomo Casanova, of Venice born. Transiting this City of Love as part of my Grand Tour. And you, dear Peri, are under my spell. I am away to my lodgings. Follow me, Peri and bring your orbs as well!
(Casanova exits)
Peri My blood is afire, I tremble and try to resist. But I am in his thrall. Casanova? A name I do somewhat recall. What a man!
(She rushes off after him. Enter the Doctor from the opposite side)
Doctor Peri! Peri! Oh, why is it my companions of the female persuasion always disappear on t'first occasion? My plan to rob the mighty Seine of its fish is thwarted by clogging human detritus that has turn'd that mighty course septic. I return here to make my peace, but find Miss Brown has slipped the leash!
(Enter Man)
Doctor Good sir, well met! Have you perchance sighted a friend of mine who, mere moments past, was loitering at this very spot?
Man Your friends are unknown to me, strange harlequin. This is a big city to hide in.
Doctor She is female...
Man Which narrows it down to half the populace.
Doctor Petite, elfin of countenance; dressed in bodice blue, an unaccustomed cut of clothing to you. And, of speech, strangely accented.
Man I heard not her voice, but is she blessed with large...accoutrements?
Doctor Accoutrements?
Man Of the frontal sort. Left and right; well-buttressed twins of delight.
Doctor Your drift I do not get. A twin dilemma, yet! Ah, wait; I understand, I fear. Your crude description; it could be her!
Man Then I would give her up as lost, as I saw her in company of Casanova barely minutes since. His predatory arrow has found yet another mark.
Doctor Casanova?
Man The same. That famed lover with countless score, the lucky cur! They say he merely has to smile at a wench for her stays to depart south. I can only suggest you abandon any ambition in that girl's direction and, spying your rod, seek other fish in the sea, for your delectation.
Doctor I am her Guardian, of sorts. Tell me, where can I find Casanova?
Man He has, I believe, a room at the hostelry of Le Chien Gris, which has seen much pneumatic action these last few weeks of his residency. It is located on the Rue de la Carte Postales.
Doctor I am a stranger in a strange land. Cans't you direct me?
Man My homeward route takes me past the very place. We can walk together, apace.
Doctor Thankee.
Man And whilst we perambulate so, you can tell me, Guardian, how does she go? My old wife is frugal in departments of the flesh. I would contrast that with your ward, I'll bet!
Doctor Sirrah, is this all you ever talk about?
Man M'sieur, Je suis francais!
(Exeunt)
Act II
Le Chien Gris: a bedchamber
(Peri is sitting on a large bed, holding the orb)
Peri I sit and tremble like a virgin bride, the man of my dreams having left my side. I anticipate his return with tingling fervour. My blood heats. I am aflush. Well, poor bowl, you resemble the tool of a soothsayer. I'll wager, though, I can tell my own future over the next few hours, and I long for all his rampant powers.
(Enter Chambermaid carrying a bag. She takes from it a negligee and hands it to Peri)
Maid Your soons't lover bids you attire yourself with this and prepare for his return.
Peri Where is he? I ache for him so.
Maid.'Tis only natural, since you are under his spell. He is preparing the finest wine, sweetmeats and nosegay.
Peri Food, wine and nosegay be blowed! It is his body I am owed!
Maid 'Tis his way, stay your thirst.
Peri Am I not the first?
Maid Oh, such naivety! You join the roll-call of the great lover. Unique you are not. There have been, how shall we say, quite a lot!
Peri And you, pretty chambermaid? Were you, too, in this chamber laid?
Maid I blush to think on't, but it keeps me warm at night to recall! I was his first here, and I was in his thrall.
Peri And this gracious banquet I am about to receive? Is it worth the fuss or does his reputation deceive?
Maid. It is as if a gift from above! Enjoy the lust, but don't expect love.
(Exit Chambermaid)
Peri My ardour cools somewhat, in light of this unwelcome intelligence. Part of me still aches for him, though his intentions be as transparent as this robe. Well orb, my future may not be as clear as your dormant glass. What do you say? Silent as ever, I'll put you away.
(She puts the orb in the bag previously containing the negligee)
(Enter Casanova carrying a tray of sweetmeats, wine, goblets and a posy of flowers)
Casanova What is this? Still attired for the street, I see. Pray disrobe and humour me.
Peri I am less entranced as I was. My honour is precious to me and not to be squandered so easily.
Casanova Come, come, my little one. There have been women of rank in your enviable position. Ladies of society, nobility; and whisper it, Royalty.
Peri And maids o'the hostelry?
Casanova I see a careless tongue has been wagging. Still, I admit that my tastes are as wide as your lips. Let me savour them and you will see this moment for what it is.
Peri, Feign no, sir. I decline. The opportunity of becoming a bedpost notch does not appeal. My head clears and I want to leave, I feel.
Casanova This sometimes happens. Strong-willed resistance overcomes my magical fragrance. A second dose is all that is needed, a tiny amount. Stay awhile, while I whip it out.
(He produces his perfume spray and advances on Peri)
(Enter the Doctor who rushes across and dashes the spray from Casanova's hand)
Casanova What manner of intrusion is this? Is no man safe from interrupted passion e'en in his own bedroom? Explain yourself, harlequin. I have a mind for restitution.
Doctor I am this girl's Guardian temporal, for good or bad. You sir, are a downright cad.
Casanova How so?
Doctor You abuse technology alien to gain your ends. A whiff of pheromone from the celestial sphere and another is added to your score, I fear. In this there is neither love or trust.
Casanova There is no purer love than lust.
Doctor Nonsense. The lust is only on your side. The other's lust is contrived. Your conquests are achieved by alien spoor and are the cheaper for it. When you are old these conquests will return to haunt you, though. You will live out a life of impotence and disease, unloved, a curio.
Casanova Oh, you count yourself a seer?
Doctor. You may sneer. though when you are old and your flame has gone, do not be surprised if you find me here, looking on. Now, Peri, are you quite well and absolved of your unnatural fixation?
Peri I am. I desire to leave this location.
Doctor Then let us away.
(Peri rises, picking up the bag containing the orb. The Doctor picks up the perfume spray)
Casanova So you steal my magical perfume for your own use, harlequin?
Doctor I am many things, but not that kind of man. This I take to neutralise and discard, lest it fall into such weak hands again.
Casanova And you believe him, my little Perpugilliam?
Peri Not all men are as thee, Giacomo Casanova. Now my head is flushed out, I see that clearly. I will bid you no fond farewell, but before I go I have a tale to tell.
Casanova. Must you? Be quick about it for the night is still young.
Peri Many years hence a soldier of the Germanic race, believing himself in a position of superiority over his foe, demanded craven surrender. His opponent, being less convinced, replied tersely and with little diplomacy. They fought on and my kinsmen won a famous victory.
Casanova And what was this tart response?
(Peri kicks Casanova violently between the legs. He sinks to his knees in agony)
Peri Nuts!
Doctor Well said, Peri! I knew not that you were a student of history as well as botany
(Exit the Doctor and Peri. After a while Casanova struggles to his feet)
Casanova Nuts indeed! I will seek out the chambermaid and see if she will minister to me. Provided she does so...tenderly.
(Exit Casanova, limping)
Act III
A lane on the outskirts of Paris. The Tardis stands here.
(Enter the Doctor and Peri)
Doctor Ah, faithful ship. As patient and steadfast as a rock on the sands of time! How fare you after our long foot-journey here, Peri. 'Tis past midnight.
Peri A little tired, Doctor. My head somewhat throbbing still.
Doctor Pray rest a moment without, young lady, as I go inside to neutralise the alien perfume. I would not like there to be any accidental discharge that may cause embarrassment betwixt us.
Peri Amen to that! How will you render it inert?
Doctor Are you determined to know?
Peri Why are you reticent so?
Doctor Needs are that I must douse the perfume in a particular solution to neutralise it.
Peri What solution is it, that causes you such embarrassment?
Doctor Water 95%; Urea 9.3 Grams per Litre; Chloride 1.87 g/L; Sodium 1.17 g/L; Potassium 0.75 g/L; Creatinine 0.67 g/L and other lesser amounts of various ions and compounds. Now, you see my predicament?
Peri Not at all. Wait. Did I rightly hear? Speak you of urea?
Doctor The same. It is urine mine that I must use to effect the neutrality.
Peri I think it best that I wait outside then, as you suggest. That procedure is something best left unseen.
Doctor I shall be back momentarily once my waters employed. And do not wander off this time, Peri eh?
(The Doctor exits into the Tardis)
Peri I shall be glad to be away from this place and the memories which bring such a blush to my face. But wait. What is this? The once dead orb in my bag does judder and vibrate apace!
(She takes the orb out of the bag)
It shakes like the ague and whines tinnily! Is life returning to this cold glass? What can it be? It speaks to me, in my mind. It says it craves power of a Gallifreyan kind.
(She holds it against the Tardis)
It draws energy from the Doctor's ship to repair itself anew! Say again, lively orb, what must I do?
(Peri goes off to the side and throws the orb over-arm into the wings)
It flies into the night sky like a bat out of Hell. There it goes, trailling fire, fare thee well!
(She returns to the Tardis)
An orb of Gallifreyan origin. I know not its purpose other than it is on a quest most secret. A quest that takes it otherwhere. I have promised to keep my counsel. I will, for I'm that kind of girl.
(The Tardis door opens and the Doctor pokes his head out)
Doctor The deed is done and the perfidious perfume dissolved by my acidity. Tell me, Peri, did you perceive any unusuality just now? The power of the Tardis dipped momentarily as if robbed by external force. It is a puzzlement.
Peri To me also. Can we go now, if you please?
Doctor Indeed, Miss Brown. We can depart.
Peri Without a stain on my character or an ache in my heart!
(They both enter the Tardis and the door closes)
CURTAIN
(End of Part 10)