Chapter 9
The rest of the week passed and I, thankfully, didn't have to see or speak to Edward again. I did get to talk to my kids, several times. They were having a blast at the beach. I missed them, but they needed time with GiGi and Pops. Carlisle and Esme loved it as well. They got them every chance they could. I really didn't know what the kids would do when Em and Rose finally do become pregnant. They're so used to having both sets of grandparents to themselves. I knew deep down they would be so thrilled to have cousins that the sharing thing wouldn't matter at all. Both of my kids loved babies and gravitated to them naturally. They would be so thrilled to have a baby close to them.
This thought gave me pause as I pictured another baby in their life. I saw them happy, and cuddling a tiny little baby, as a very proud Edward looked on. It was his baby I saw, I could tell by the proud look in his eyes. There was nothing he loved more than his children. He had an instant connection with them. That was always part of the problem. He was Evie's one source of comfort when she had colic. And since he worked almost nonstop then and was never home. Well, I was left with a cranky baby, and a toddler that was learning to potty train. I never got enough sleep, and I felt a desperate need to feel loved, cared for, and like a woman, not just someone's mommy. Yeah, I had none of that.
Edward tried, I guess. Maybe I didn't try, who knew after all of this time. I just knew that I missed him, and to think of him with a new wife, a new baby and a new life, it hurt like hell. So much so, that I almost suffered a panic attack in my car. I felt the breath as it whooshed in and out of me. It was too fast and I felt myself getting lightheaded. I felt the tears as they streamed down my face and I reached blindly for my phone. Normally I would call Edward, but I couldn't this time. Not when the attack was because of him. I also couldn't let him know I still had them. I convinced him that they ended years ago.
I called the first name on my contacts list. Alice. She answered and immediately knew who it was. She had to have heard the breathing. She had done this before with me. She knew.
"Bella, breathe in… one, two, three…out…one, two, three…again, Bella." She continued to count and talk to me. I found my happy place and focused on that thought. It was the night after Evie was born. I held Evie and Edward held Drew up so he could look down on her. He wiggled out of Edward's arms and snuggled right up against both of us. Edward moved around the bed and managed to wrap his arms around all three of us. I felt loved, safe, and knew my life was perfect.
"Alice, I fucked it all up, didn't I?" I whispered. She just sighed. We've had this talk before. I asked, she answered and tried to convince me I did not fuck it up. I always hung up without a single shred of evidence that persuaded me that I was justified in my decision. Besides, if I didn't fuck it up then, why do I still love him now? Why do I still want him with every fiber of my being? She couldn't ever answer that part.
"Bella." She warned.
"I know, I know, but still. I just…I just need him. I need him to hold me and tell me that I'm not a fuck up. He's never lied to me; I know I can trust him." I paused to wipe away the tears that now poured. "I need human contact that doesn't leave PB&J residue on me when they pull away. I need sex, I need to be held, I need to just vent to someone…I have no one," I sobbed again.
"Then tell him, Bella. Tell him you made a mistake. Tell him you want him back. I know he wants you; he wants the life our parents have, and that does not include you two with separate addresses. He's miserable too, you know." I scoffed at this remark.
"He is, I'm his baby sister, I see it. He misses you as well," Alice continued.
"Okay, I'm hanging up now, thanks again," I whispered.
"We're going out for my birthday, no ifs, ands or buts. I mean it!" I chuckled softly and hung up.