Many thanks for the reviews and many apologies for the delay in the update. Real life seems to have gotten even more hectic than ever before. I have rewritten this chapter several times trying to figure out where these two are headed. Thank you for your patience with it. As a reminder I do not own the rights to Twilight or any of the characters, they belong to S.M.
And without further hesitation….the next chapter.
*BPOV*
After saying our good nights we walked the short distance across the Cullen's yard to Charlie's house. By the time we got back to the house Renesme was excited about the prospect of the day that was awaiting her, tomorrow. She talked through entering the house and heading upstairs, she talked through her bath. It continued as she brushed her teeth and got into her pajamas and then she managed to talk herself to sleep. Edward stood back and watched our routine, he waited refusing to leave. I groaned knowing that stubborn side of him. Before we had left the Cullen's he had said I couldn't hide forever and so now the time had come.
I closed the door to my old room where Renesme was sleeping and turned toward the stairs, sitting on the floor at the bottom was Edward, still waiting. I had seen him in the exact same spot during what now seemed like another lifetime. He stood up as I approached the last few stairs. His face told me he wasn't mad, yet. His eyes showed worry. I took a deep breath and when the last step put me eye to eye with him I said "So you ready for that talk?" He nodded and I walked passed him into the kitchen. I reached for two mugs for coffee; we were going to need it if he wanted the whole eight years tonight.
I felt his eyes on me while I struggled for a mug just out of my reach. Once I grabbed it with my fingers I turned and looked at him standing in the arch way. The look on his face was smug and his eyes had darkened a bit. "What?" I asked.
He grinned and said in a husky voice "You do not look at all what a mother of an eight year old should look like." I couldn't help but quirk an eyebrow at him. I walked over to the table and set the mugs down then turned back to the counter to prepare the coffee. During this process Edward pushed off the archway and headed to the table to take a seat. He looked so relaxed all of a sudden; like he belonged sitting there. I sighed and headed back to the living room, as I did so I spoke over my shoulder to him. "Stay there, I have to get something."
I knew right where they were in one of the bags I had checked at the airport of the plane ride. Something told me as we left our home in New York that I was going to need these right away. I did not expect that I would need the very first night. But then again I had not expected to see Edward right away either. I ran my hand over the soft leather cover and lifted the pile of books and headed back to the kitchen.
When I walked back in Edward was still in his seat, but coffee was now in each mug. I sat down and he looked at the books in my arms as I prepared to set them on the table. I explained without looking up at him that I had a scrapbook beginning with my pregnancy and for every year of Renesme's life. They were complete with information such as favorite toys, foods, songs, books and friends from each year. I saved passes from trips to museums, tags from birthday and Christmas gifts. You name it and it found a way into the scrapbook. As I handed the first one over I began telling Edward things I should have so long ago.
I watched his fingers ghost over the pictures of me getting larger as the weeks went on. He paused at her ultra sound pictures and smiled slightly. I sipped my coffee as I gave him the details that he hadn't been privy to until this moment. Over the course of an hour or so he examined the books reverently as I talked. My gut told me it was too good to be true while it lasted. It was in this moment that I felt the change. I looked up from my coffee to see the change in Edward's eyes and then the flex of his jaw. I swallowed knowing that he had come to one of the two pictures I should have pulled out a while ago, but knowing that if I did I would be hiding even more from my past.
James. I sighed. I found myself thinking about the fact that I had tried, unsuccessfully, to move on from my love of Edward by attempting to date James. We had met at the gym that I had Renesme signed up for swim lessons at. James was my major mistake, next to not telling Edward the truth that night things ended. I saw Edward's jaw clench then relax. Suddenly I was nervous. How did I explain this? I tried to skip past it by avoiding telling about the picture all together. It was Renesme, James and I at the zoo. It was the only picture he was in.
"Bella it is okay that you met someone," he's statement went unfinished because he turned the page and came to a picture of Renesme and I taken shortly after the previous one. There was no James in the picture, but in his place clearly were bruises on my face and arms that I had attempted to hide. What others pretended not to see, the camera caught mercilessly. His jaw flexed again, this time it stayed tense. When he finally spoke I felt myself brace for what was coming.
"Fucking Christ Bella!" His knuckles were white as he gripped the book. "Did he do that?" It was more of a statement than a question. I knew any response I gave would confirm it. And ashamed as usual by the situation I found myself giving the scripted response about it.
"It was an accident." I didn't want to have this conversation but it was going to happen no matter what. Edward would force it.
"What your face accidentally ran into his fist?" He spat the words at me and I felt even more ashamed. Edward was not done with his questioning either. "Does Charlie know?" He looked at me "Did he touch Renesme?" His jaw twitched. I couldn't look at him because if it hadn't been for him, James would have never have raised a hand to me. No, that wasn't fair; it wasn't Edward's fault any more than it was mine. "Bella!" I looked up to see his eyes filled with rage, and it spilled out in his tone of voice. I was so ashamed that I was angry as well. Who was he to act like he cared?
"No Edward he never laid a hand on her. It was over as soon as he did that to me. Not that it lasted all that long to begin with. No, Charlie doesn't know. It would have done no good back then, and there is really no point in bringing it up now." I looked into my mug and lifted it to take one last gulp as I brought it to my lips I whispered "Why do you care anyways?" Typically it would have been too low a mumble for most people to hear. But not Edward, he of course heard it as if I had shouted it. My eyes made contact with his as I took that last drink. If it was possible his eyes were even darker. Anger rolled off of him. He slammed the book down on the table.
"Seriously Isabella? Are you kidding me right now? It happened, that alone is reason enough for me to care. Never mind why. It happened." In an instant his hands were cradling my face, his fingers stroking where the bruises had been, gentle and loving. He forced me to look at him. "I have known about Renesme for barely 12 hours. I have loved you my entire life. I should have been there to protect the two of you from this. I wasn't. Shit how many times have I failed you?" The hurt was written all over his face. He was taking the blame because he wasn't with us, because he hadn't fought me that night when I pushed him away.
"I said your name." I whispered. I was fighting the tears that were about to spring free. I saw the confusion as he tried to understand my words. "I said your name in my sleep. It was your birthday. I had spoken to Alice earlier in the evening. I had a reaction to treatment and James fell asleep on the couch. I don't remember all specifics but apparently I had called out your name several times that night and James heard me. He first thought I was cheating on him, and then he realized what I had said and got angrier. He screamed at me, I don't even remember what he was saying. Before I realized what happened he hit me." I held my breath as I waited for his response. It was like watching Charlie; he went from pale to pink then to red and finally was purple. I held his gaze this time and suddenly part of my explanation hit him. And slowly his coloring reversed.
"You said my name?" He seemed dumb founded. His thumb worked in circles around my cheek. A few minutes went by and he removed his hand from my face. Sighing he set the scrapbooks aside and shook his head then downed the last of his coffee.
"I hate to cut this short, but I have an early shift at the hospital. We have more to discuss later so don't go leaving the state any time soon." His tone was clipped and all I could do was nod as I watched him get up to leave.
As he moved from the table I heard myself whisper "Those are for you. Go ahead and take them." He placed his mug in the sink and turned back to the table and raised an eyebrow at me. He eyed the stack of books and grinned.
"Thank you. I'll return them within the week. You know look through them; try to learn what I can from them. So that I feel like I know a little bit about her." He seemed glad to have more time to look at and try to absorb what he could about the last eight years.
"No." I began, "No, I mean they are yours to keep. I made them specifically for you. I chronicled everything I could, so that you could, well so that you could have it all even though you weren't able to be there." I was so embarrassed with this notion. He must think I am such a loser. I wanted him to leave before he saw it written all over me.
He picked up the books and said good night. I followed him out of the kitchen and to the front door. As he opened the door he said goodnight one more time as he stepped into the night. I watched him walk across the yard to the Cullen's driveway and get into his car. My heart tugged at the loss of the books and at the loss of him. Why was I always watching him leave? Why after so long did it still hurt to see? He started the engine and backed out and I felt tears prick my eyes. I crossed my arms in front of my chest trying to keep the cold of the night from reaching me, and trying to will myself to hold it together.
As he pulled down the street I closed the door and leaned my head against it. The tears began to fall. After what felt like hours I pulled myself up and headed up to try and get some sleep. It had been a draining day, physically and emotionally. I prayed that it could only get easier. It was a feeble prayer. I put my IPod on again. And pushed the buttons until I get to what I wanted. The lyrics settled me, made me feel for both Edward and I, I wrapped my arms around myself under the blanket, looking up through the window that he had been so upset about me being under.
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayin' to a God that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even
Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleepin'
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even…even…no
What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're okay
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cos she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don't break even...no
What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're okay
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
One still in love while the other ones leaving
I'm falling to pieces
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even
Oh you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame
Now I'm try'na make sense of what little remains ooh
Cos you left me with no love and no love to my name
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayin' to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break
No it don't break
No it don't break even no
What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're okay
Oh glad you're okay now
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
Oh I'm glad you're okay
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
One still in love while the other ones leaving
I'm falling to pieces
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even
Oh it don't break even no
Oh it don't break even no
Oh it don't break even no
Then next song began to play and all I remember hearing was "Do you feel like a man when you push her around? Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?" I had only given part of the James story. I hadn't lied I just hadn't explained the full extent of things. I fell into a fitful sleep afraid of all that might come from.
*EPOV*
I had to get away. I heard the voice in my head say "track him down and kick the living shit out of him." The other more responsible of my brain said "Go home!" I should have known better. And then to have her tell me, all I felt was rage. I had felt the prick of jealousy when Renesme was talking about him at dinner but it was brief. And then to sit there and see him, to put a face to the name, James, that was what she called him. I looked at the picture and hated him instantly. Who the hell did he think he was? How dare he try and take my place, how dare he hurt my Bella! And it was in that moment that I knew I had to get out of there. But when she told me that it was because she said my name in her sleep, that it was on my birthday that he had hit her. Everything was spinning. I was drowning.
Having her back it was taking a toll. Seeing her sitting there at my parents' for dinner was like being in a time warp. I was a teenager all over again. Loving her from afar, because I couldn't bring myself to get over the hurt of her telling everyone but me.
I watched everyone interact with Renesme and was in awe of how quickly she just fit into the niche of niece and granddaughter like she had always owned the place at the table and in their lives. Then looking at the scrapbooks and listening to Bella. She had not been joking about chronicling everything. I had driven home as fast as possible, my right hand resting on top of the leather bound books as if it would protect them from any harm they might endure while I drove.
I had brought them straight into my bedroom and set them down on the bed. I paced the room for a while looking at the stack. Why had she done this? Why was she back? What did she want from me? What did I want from her? I stopped and looked at the books sitting there. They seemed to be mocking me in a way. They held all the secrets, everything I wanted to know, but I was too chicken shit to sit down and look at them. A growled rose up from deep in my chest.
"Damn it!" I yelled and turned to head to my bathroom to shower and maybe wash the day off of me and clear my head. I peeled my clothes off and slammed the door when I walked into the bathroom. It took everything not to put my fist through the wall next to the mirror. I ran the water and stepped into the shower. As it hit me I shook my head then leaned it against the tiles of the wall. I stood there thinking about all that she had told me. Thinking about the last weeks I had been with her, before she pushed me away. The pieces all came together. "Damn it! Fucking A!" I lost my control with the thought that I had seen it, I knew but I refused to believe it at the time. She was reacting to medication, she was over worked with classes and spending time with me and my schedule. "Moron! How did you not figure it out! How did you, a fuckin' doctor not know?" With that thought I turned the water off and grabbed a towel. As I stepped back into my room the stack of books taunted me. I dressed in quickly and sat on the bed. Spreading the books out, I picked each one up and placed them in an order. I sat there looking over every event, every moment captured by Bella or someone else. It looked like there was a picture for every single day of the last seven years. I turned to my night stand and turned on my IPod sitting on the charger. I didn't pay attention to what I hit folder wise I just needed to have noise while I sat here.
I had sat here for well over an hour, and avoided the one book I wanted to look at the most until I finally couldn't take it anymore. I set the book down that I had been looking in, year four. God she had grown a lot in that year, and done so much. I picked up the pink colored leather book and began to open it. There it was in front of me the image of Bella's pregnancy test, I saw the date and cursed myself more for not knowing. As I turned the page there she was pregnant with my child. God, I thought about how I would have loved to have felt that first kick with her. Or have fallen asleep with my arms cradling her belly. I looked at the various shots of Bella as her stomach grew, profile shots from each week then ultra sounds of Renesme. She even had one of those black and white photos of her hands forming a heart against the bare skin of her stomach. What surprised me the most was how beautiful she was during the whole pregnancy. Each weeks picture only made he appear more curvy more sensual. Glowing as she grew. There was one where she was dressed in a tea length cobalt blue dress. I looked at the caption she had for it. Angela and Ben's wedding. She had her hair up, a single curled tendril had fallen loose, her breasts had grown and were taunting me from the photo. Her legs were supple not swollen like others that fair along. She was beautiful. I felt myself grow erect as I looked at that picture. It was better than any porn I could have ever looked at, it was also worse. It teased me. This was not a sight I would ever have the pleasure of knowing in person. But it was one that I wanted more than any other. No woman I had been with since would hold a candle to her now. No centerfold more sexy, not sweet mouth or hot core more unnerving. My body wanted Bella, just like my heart, mind and without a doubt my soul. She was back and I was determined to right this, to make her mine.
As my resolve amongst other things hardened looking at her pictures over the course of the pregnancy, my cell phone rang. I shook my heard. Talk about timing. After completing a cycle of ringing, someone decided they were going to try again. I looked again at it. "Not gonna happen." I said mockingly to the phone. Again a moment of silence was shattered with the shrill noise of the ring tone. I grabbed it and was shocked at the anger in my voice.
"What Tanya? What do you need now?" I barked at her for interrupting my time with my girls. Mine! I growled internally.
Now we all know that it can't be that easy for them to get together...
Please leave something, love or hate, just a little something to get me through the next chapter. If you leave me review, then you will get hot steam Edward in the next chapter...I mean, I have to put a few tarty sweets in here somewhere or it wil be no fun to read.