Addiction
I meant to get this out a week ago. But, life. Thank you all for your patience.
Enjoy
MF
Ch. 9 - Charm
Spencer has been acting weird since she told me about her parents. I know she's inside her head. I sometimes wish I could tell her to stop it. There's no need to second-guess herself, you know? But if I try to change that part of her, then that means I'm wanting to change everything about her. And she's fucking perfect, despite her faults. I don't want to change anything about her, so it's something I have to get used to and put with.
Patience, I tell myself. I am disciplined.
So I don't say anything about her overanalyzing tendencies. I just let her be; only allowing encouraging smiles every time she glances at me. I guess me staring kind of puts her on the spotlight, but I can't help it. She's like a trance; I can't help but look at her all day and feel like I'm under hypnosis. She makes everything better with just her beauty.
God, she's so fucking perfect.
Shit, Kyla is so right. I have it so bad for her. But it's like she's meant for me, you know? At that moment, when I felt weak and like a disappointment, she saved me. She built me up to be the best version I could be. I'm still learning, quite honestly. As long as she's in my life, I can be better. I just know it.
I smile at the thought. She's definitely my savior and my angel. She's my saving grace. I know she will help me to make amends, even if she doesn't know it. Just her being here has taught me to be better. I'm so eternally grateful for her.
But of course I can't tell her all this. It's still hard for me to describe it out loud. So I try to put my words in action or in my music. I just hope physically showing her is enough.
I know sometimes people need words. They need confirmation; they need to hear it out loud. But words can construe different meanings. They can be harsh. They can be taken out of context. They can have a different meaning. And I'm not eloquent when I talk. Sometimes I say the wrong thing. Or the mean thing because I lash out when I'm hurt or things aren't going my way. My last words to my father before his coma and ultimate demise still scares the shit out of me. How could I be that cruel to the man who loved me to a fault? And those were the last words he heard.
I swallow and turn my head from Spencer. I'm getting choked up about past regrets I can't change. It's still hard to deal with, no matter how many times I'm told it's not my fault. Yeah, right. Tell that to the L.A County courts. The judge still feels I'm responsible and I need to learn a lesson. She fails to realize I don't therapy to hash out my problems. Rehab was enough therapy. I'm fully prepared to torture myself the rest of my life with the guilt. It's the least I deserve. Besides, this is my penance and it keeps me humble.
I just hope Spencer understands in a nonverbal way. It's hard for me to say what I feel outside. I'm so fucking scared I don't convey how I feel like I should. I'm so scared my words won't do it justice. I'm so scared I'll hurt with my words or she misconstrues. So I show. It's the only way I know how to express myself. I just hope it's enough for her.
It has to be, right? I mean, she hasn't left yet. Although, we're still in the beginning stages. Fuck, we've been dating for almost a month now and I'm now just asking her out on a date outside my bedroom. Fuck, I'm so shitty sometimes.
I got my emotions under control about my dad, so I turn back to admire her. To my peers, I'm looking off in a distance thanks to my handy sunglasses. But I know she can feel my stare and she's doing her best not to react. We are under a microscope after all. I know she's watching our peers as she eats a strawberry. I can tell in her body language she's built up her nerve and she's ready to come out of head and talk to me. I act like I'm oblivious, though. She needs to come to me on her own terms instead of me being impatient and pushing her. So I wait. I see her roll her eyes then turn to me. I keep casual.
"Hey, um, about Friday," she starts.
God, she's so adorable when she's nervous. I want to tell her this, but I don't because it will make her retract. So I go teasing tone instead.
"Don't tell me you're getting cold feet," I said, smirking. I tun my body slightly towards her.
"No," she rushes, then stops talking. It takes everything inside me not to hold her hand and squeeze to reassure her. "I haven't told them I'm going out Friday night yet."
I don't respond right away. "Okay," I said, slowly while tilting my head. I act like I don't really understand, but I do.
Remember, I can't rush her. She has to tell me on her own pace. She has to be comfortable with this on her own time.
"It's just they- they don't know about you yet. In any sense."
She's worried she's gonna out herself to her parents? It takes everything inside me not to burst out loud laughing. Well, at least she knows how transparent she can be around me. Although, she does a great job at school controlling herself. I can tell how I affect her, but that's beside the point. I affect her because I do subtle things on purpose. And now that we're having sex, I can't control my need to touch her, no matter how small. I'm fucking crazy about her. I know she really likes me. She's worried it's going to show the moment I meet her parents.
Well, fuck, my ego just soared.
I don't tease her about this, though. Instead, I just frown and lean back, making sure I'm quiet. So I'm a little evil and I want to see her sweat just a little, but mostly, I'm doing it to ease her. I want her to think I'm seriously considering her dilemma, even if all I want to tell her is she's crazy and she lives in her head too much. Parents fucking love me. I can charm the pants off any adult.
Finally, I think she has enough time to stew and I turn to her. "Maybe you should drop my name during dinner tonight and I promise not to show up on your doorstep topless."
I give her a teasing smirk and I get my desired effect. She's goo and laughing. I smile also, but make sure it's not too big for our peers. At least now she's relaxed and not in her head. Mission accomplished.
~~ MF MF MF ~~
I can't believe she's nervous about telling her parents about me. Although, I can see why. But the thought is asinine to me. Parents fucking love me. What can I say, I have my father's charm where my outrageous personality can be seen as charming. I know, it's such a curse.
I chuckle to myself. I can't stop thinking about her look. The way she looks when she's nervous is just as adorable when she looks like she's awkward. The way she looks down because she doesn't want to be vulnerable. The way her eyes shine when she tries to look confident. When she bites her lip, she tries to make it seem like she's coy, but reality it's the total opposite.
God, I can think about her different looks for days on end.
I sigh and roll over on my bed so I'm on my back. God, it sucks when I'm not around her. She's my absolute world. How crazy is that? I've only known her for a short few months, but look at how much I've improved since then? Shit, I can actually have a two-sentence conversation without feeling like I'm breaking out in hives. I can actually talk to Kyla without breaking off my sentences. Well, that's a lie. I still have a hard time communicating with words, but rehab always said to acknowledge progress. It's positive thinking and helps us cope. So, progress.
I pick up my phone and open my text messages. I contemplate texting her and asking if she told her parents about me tonight. I want to text her, but I know I'll be impatient if she doesn't answer right away. I know she's in the middle of dinner at the moment. I know this because I just dropped her off ten minutes ago. See? I'm so fucking impatient sometimes.
I take a deep breath and look at the time. No. I estimate dinner plus conversation will take about an hour, hour and a half. God, that seems like a lifetime of conversation. In my household, we'd be lucky to actually sit down and talk two minutes. We all do our own thing. It's kind of sad, really. In some ways, I'm kind of jealous of Spencer's tight-knit family. The fact they can have a conversation at a dinner table for about an hour seems fucking amazing. How easy it is to laugh and communicate and be open. Just once, I would like to know what that's like.
I sigh again and close my text message window. I can't text her for another hour. So I take a deep breath and try to center myself. I dig my shoulders into the comfort of my mattress and let the deepness envelop me. I spread my arms and legs out and close my eyes. I take one more breath and try really hard to let go of my negative thoughts. My family isn't perfect, but they are all I got left. I should be grateful for that. I should be eternally grateful for Spencer. I can wait a fucking hour.
"I am disciplined," I chant to myself.
Soon enough, when I'm entering that REM sleep, I find myself smiling. I find myself floating in that black space, but Spencer is right in front of me. I focus on her face and how beautiful she looks even in the dark. You know what, she's more than beautiful. She's stunning. She's drop-dead gorgeous. And I realize it's all in her smile. I think it was her smile I fell in love with when I first saw her in a distance. Even far away, her smile is dazzling. Then it was her laugh.
I find myself smiling too in my sleep. God, she's so perfect. I don't think you understand. Perfect doesn't even seem to do her justice. Maybe I should just call her my angel. That's better than perfect, right? The way she glows because she's just so good. She's a good person in nature, but she's good for me. I think she's actually made for me. I mean, she stopped me from doing drugs. That's a heightened task in of itself.
Fuck, she's my angel.
Soon enough, I feel myself reaching for her. I'm not sure if I'm physically doing it, but I know in my subconscious my arms are wrapped tight around her midsection. I don't want to let her go. I just want to be with her. Then her arms wrap around me and I feel like I'm in this protective cave. She envelops everything around me and keeps me tight and safe. She keeps me tranquil. She keeps me at peace. She keeps me whole.
Goddman, she's my world.
I exhale and feel myself adjusting more on my bed. I don't toss and turn, though. Instead, I'm pushing my body deeper into my bed. This is a nice dream/meditation. It gives me the time to think clearly and consciously. I know my feelings run deep for Spencer and I recognize how I feel. But how do I show her? I can't tell her, so in my dream, I think I'm telling myself how to show her physically. This is the best I can do. This is the only way I know how to show her my gratitude in a loving matter. It's still too hard to say the words. They keep getting stuck in my throat; like if I try to force it, I'll choke. So maybe my subconscious is telling me to keep hugging her. Keep smiling at her. Keep touching her in subtle ways.
It's not ideal, but it works. I know she likes the physical signs. I just hope she doesn't get tired of it. Words are just too hard right now. They probably will always be.
God, I hope she doesn't get frustrated with it and leave me. I wouldn't survive. We all know this.
No matter. I shouldn't dwell on what-ifs. That's not positive thinking. I should focus on the positives that I do have. Spencer is here. Spencer hasn't left. Spencer wants her parents to like me, which tells me she's just as serious about this as I am. Now my smile grows more serene. Her parents will like me. I guarantee it.
I sleep the hour and like clockwork, I wake up right on the dot and text her. Her response is immediate and I find myself grinning. We text until our eyes droop. My phone drops on my chest as I dream more about my angel.
~~ MF MF MF ~~
"Gregory," I husk.
I hear surprised laughter on the other end. He did not expect me to call. I smirk myself, because last time we talked, well... it didn't end well. For me, at least. After all, I was the one who demanded the VIP experience at Ecco and caused my father's accident at the end of the night. I never ratted him out. I took full responsibility. But the underlining was there. He was partial to blame because he knew how fucked up I was, but he still did it with a conscious mind. It was mutually agreed we should lose contact.
But now I need him. I need to show Spencer a good time and I have until tomorrow to do that. I initially got back in contact with Gregory earlier in the week, but of course he didn't pick up. I did change my number and never bothered to give it him. It was essential to the recovery. But Gregory has always been predictable, so I said a few things and had Kyla show up on some spots to convince him to pick up my phone calls. His surprised laughter, though, tells me he didn't expect me. I kind of frown because Kyla assured me he knew I was trying to get in contact with him.
"Well, well, well," he said, playing it off. His easy manner slipped back so easily. "Look who has risen."
"I was never dead to begin with, Gregory."
"You might as well been. Ashley Davies disappears from the club scene and my business takes a hit. You kind of killed me, girl."
"But you proved to be immortal. I hear business is thriving."
"I eventually landed on my feet. Took a couple months. So, this unknown number that's been calling me all week. That's you?"
"You're so smart."
He laughed, full belly and all. I smile myself. Despite his accusations, he knew it was for the best. And don't get me wrong, he's a great guy. He actually did reach out after the accident that night and again when I fell off the wagon and got into that terrible crash. He was very concerned and even offered to come forward to the cops the first time. I told him under no circumstances.
"How are you?" He asked after a beat.
"I'm good," I said, smiling. Immediately, Spencer's gorgeous face pops into my mind. "I'm doing really good. Truly sober six months now."
"That's great! I'm so happy to hear you found peace after everything. Did you get my flowers?"
"I did, thank you. They were beautiful. I appreciate you reaching out."
"I gotta tell you, Ash, my heart broke when I found out about your dad. That night-"
"Hey, let's not talk about that, all right? It was my fault. One hundred percent."
Awkward silence fills the gap between us. I feel my right eye twitch as I try to adjust myself on my bed. It's still hard to think about that night. My actions killed my father. I shake my head and clear my throat. There's no point to dwell about that. Besides, I need to think about the present. The present that involves impressing Spencer tomorrow night.
"Look," I begin, clearing my throat again. "Bygones, okay? I think you know why I've been trying to reach you."
"You need a favor."
"I need VIP tickets."
"I thought you were sober."
"I am. One thousand percent."
"Then why do you need VIP tickets? You know what that means in our business relationship."
"Then we need to redefine our business relationship. I don't need the VIP tickets to get fucked up. I need them to impress my girl."
"Your girl? Holy shit, you're monogamous now? A lot has changed."
"Like you will never believe."
"Wow." He goes silent. "Look, Ash, I gotta be honest. I'm hesitant to do this. What if you're not ready to go back into the scene? What if it's too much temptation? And your girl? Is she okay with this?"
I gotta be honest, too. "She doesn't know about my struggles."
"Jesus fuck. Then no."
"Hear me out, Gregory."
"She doesn't know, Ashley! Like, seriously. I can't be responsible for her."
"You won't be. I swear, total sober experience. I just want to show her a good time. I need VIP tickets to Crush. If it clears your conscious, you can tell Lola no alcohol and no drugs. Please?" He doesn't say anything, so I go for the kill. "Don't make me find you, Gregory, and bat my eyelashes. I know you can't resist my doe eyes."
He laughs that full belly laugh again. I can literally see him shake his head as he looks at me with some brother fondness. I smile because those were some good times.
He sighs. "When?" He asks after some silence.
"Tomorrow."
"Jesus fuck, Ashley!"
~~ MF MF MF ~~
Suffice to say, Gregory came through. I got the tickets an hour ago. The big bear hug he gave me felt like home, but I couldn't dwell on it. I had to bounce and go charm Spencer's parents. I told him we'd catch up later and booked it to Spencer's. When I arrived, I only saw one car. Hmm, I wonder who's home.
I check my appearance one more time and check my lip gloss. I smoothe my thumb across my lower lip and pucker. I tussle my hair a little bit until I'm satisfied I look decent. I want to look sexy for Spencer, but I can't overdo it with her parents. Although, it doesn't hurt to exude a little sexual confidence. I'm sure Spencer's parents have no idea that's what it is, though. She has to get her wholesome innocence from one of her parents. Wink, wink.
I smirk to myself then practically skip to her front porch. I ring the doorbell and hear a woman's voice beyond the door. It's more shrill than Spencer's so I guess she gets her husk from her father's timbre. I find myself smiling thinking about her voice. When the door opens, my smile turns more bright and welcoming like I'm excited to see Spencer's mom. I take my sunglasses off and lean against the doorframe.
"Hi!" Spencer's mom says. "You must be Ashley."
Spencer doesn't sound like her, but she sure as hell looks a lot like her. Holy shit! Hot Mama! I look up and see Spencer. She looks a little freaked, but seems like she calmed down a considerable amount when she sees me. Her smile is infectious. I give her a fluttering smile back then turn my attention back to her mom. I can't help it. I have to see Spencer squirm a little and charm the pants off this woman.
I give her a very sweet and disarming smile. "I am. Ashley Davies, ma'am. It's a pleasure to meet you."
I hold my hand out and she takes it with a pleasant smile. I shake her hand with a firm, but gentle grasp. I'm here to make an impression. I keep my sweet smile when I see Spencer's mom physically relax and practically melt in front of me.
"Paula Carlin," she says. "Spencer just finally mentioned you."
"She wanted to keep me a secret."
We laugh and in the corner of my eye I see Spencer looking on in disbelief. It takes everything inside me not to wink at her. I keep my focus on Paula as she doesn't miss a beat.
"Well, Spencer should start sharing you," she says. "Are you the reason she's been studying so hard?"
"Um, more like the other way around. I heard through the grapevine that she was smart and I needed some help. And I... propositioned her. That's how we met."
This time I couldn't resist the wink.
"Well, I hope your grades are up."
"Drastically. But I've taught Spencer a few things too."
I smirk and I can see Spencer wishing the floor would swallow her whole. I want to laugh so bad, but it would blow our cover. My girl is practically squirming and staring in disbelief that her mom is also infatuated with me. She's probably wondering how I do it. Sometime it's a curse knowing how to be seductive and subtle at the same time. It takes a lot of work to be mysterious.
"Spencer, I like her," Paula says in a stage-whisper. It's almost like she approves of me being her girlfriend.
I tilt my head in a shy way. It's all to show my sweet side and I know it's making Paula into goo. I go in for the kill, making sure my voice is even a little shy as I confess.
"I like Spencer, too," I say, pausing. "If you don't mind, I'm taking Spencer out in the town. Don't worry, though, I'm going to show her a great time besides my bedroom and keep her safe. She needs to have a little fun besides studying."
"That's very thoughtful of you, Ashley. Spencer does need to explore a little. All she does is go to school, your house to study, and home."
"Of course." I look her straight in the eye and slowly lick my lips. "Is midnight okay?"
Paula laughs. "Oh, make it 2:00."
Spencer looks shocked and tries to cover it up by laughing. God, I want to devour her. She pulls her mom in a hug and thanks her and we make eye contact behind Paula's shoulder. I give her a victorious smile mixed in with fondness. I got us a late night together. I absolutely cannot wait to spoil my girl tonight.
"Thanks, Mom!" She says.
"You're welcome, sweetie. Have a good time. Ashley, you must come over for dinner one of these days. Meet my husband, Arthur."
"I wouldn't miss it. You have a good night, Mrs. C."
I give her a passing charming smile and look at Spencer. I tilt my head towards my car, silently telling her we should go. She says good-bye to her mom and we walk to my car. Once we're in the safety of my tinted windows, I lean over and kiss her. She seems surprised by my impatience, but I tell her to relax. Her mom can't see because she's not spying. Sure enough, Spencer checks to make sure. I can't resist again and lean for another kiss, which she's more responsive to.
"It's just gonna be us," I whisper with a smile against her lips.
~~ MF MF MF ~~
Crush is one of those after-hours places where you go for the drugs after the clubs close. You need a password and the connect. I want to laugh at Spencer's apprehension when I take her to Downtown LA, but trust, even though it looks bad, it's not. Skid Row is ten blocks away. She's perfectly safe.
I lead her inside a convenience store and I really want to laugh at her confusion. I give her a reassuring smile and nod at the bodyguard. He knew I was coming thanks to Gregory. He nods to the back. I lead her down and I look back in time to see her surprised look. It's already popping.
She looks completely intrigued by all the dancing. I can't wait to dance with her. The thought turns me on, but I have to control myself. This isn't about hormones. This is about showing her a good time. I lead her to the bar and see Lola bartending. Spencer doesn't know about the deal I made with Gregory, so she's surprised when Lola serves us Shirley Temples. But I act like this is the norm. For now, it is. Besides Shirley Temples are the shit.
Above is our VIP seats overlooking everyone. I settle us down then make a show with our drink. I dip my finger in my drink to take the cherry out and place it against her lips. She immediately knows what I want her to do. I give her a naughty smile so she knows my intention and I appreciate her reading my mind. I make a show kissing her. The moan she gives is heaven to my ears.
"Notice how no one is paying attention to us," I whisper against her ear after I kiss a line from her jaw. "It's just us and I can do anything I want to you in public."
I'm feeling adventurous, so I take the cherry out of her drink and dip it in her cleavage. I drag it up until it's in front of her lips. She immediately takes the cherry while I lick the soda from her chest to her throat. God, the sugar plus the sweet sweat of her skin is deadly to me. I could die tasting her. Trust, it will be a beautiful death for me. I can't resist as I suck the hollow of her throat and she throws her head back and moans.
Then she takes control and I about lose it. She grabs my face and kisses me thoroughly. I climb on top of her and let her take control of the kiss for a few minutes, but the moment she takes a breath, I take over. I massage my tongue over her over and over again while grinding my sex over hers. I want to take her breast in my hands and devour her. I could and no one would notice. I could fuck her right her and no one would be the wiser. But I don't. That's not the point in all of this. I control myself. I keep it semi-decent and instead keep my hands gliding up and down her arms or cupping her neck. Her fingers glide all over my hips and stomach and it drives me crazy. No matter how much I want to fuck her, I don't. This isn't like my old club days.
I am disciplined, I silently scream at myself.
"I gotta take a breather," she breathlessly tells me, breaking away from me. I moan my displeasure and she laughs. "You want another drink?"
"Sure," I nod. "But I want another kiss."
She laughs and obliges. I watch her go and feel my heart skip. God, this girl will be my life and death. My heart and soul. My purpose and goal.
I watch her go to the bar and another bartender serves her. She points at me and I nod. He knows the deal. Then I feel my phone vibrate. I look down and see Kyla texted me. I flip it open and read her text.
Don't be mad.
I roll my eyes. What the fuck, Kyla? What the hell did she do? I pretty much say my sentiments.
What did you do?
Her response is immediate.
I sent your track out to a bunch of producers.
I immediately sit up straight in surprise. My eyes widen in surprise. How in the hell did she get my track?! How did she even know how to export it and send it out? The little fucking ninja! The stupid little dumb girl act was a goddamn ploy! I'm furious! Fuck!
What the actual fuck?! I texted back fast.
At the same time, I receive a text back. I got a response. Someone wants to play your track. He wants your contact info. Can I give it? Ash, this is a good thing. Please say yes.
I'm about to say no, but something catches my attention at the bar. I have to lean back to believe what I'm seeing. It takes everything inside me not to jump the rail and growl at this chick as she talks to Spencer. I want to calm down; tell myself I'm overreacting, but the bitch clearly checks out Spencer and I lose it. I get there just in time to stop her flirty comments.
What a fucking desperate bitch. I internally roll my eyes before I approach Spencer from behind. With no warning, I take her in my arms and practically devour her neck. I catch her by surprise, but her body immediately melts into mine. I'm acting like a jackass, but her body's subconscious ease to me does make me feel better. I have to make this up to her big-time.
"Ashley!" She yelps in surprise, but I ignore it.
I start touching her stomach, making sure they're feather-like caresses. I want her relaxed, but most of all, I want her turned on to the point she forgets who is in front of her. I want all her attention on me. I'm the only one she should be paying attention to, not some desperate child thinking they're brave and can score someone hotter than them. Seriously, I'm gonna embarrass the fuck out of this bitch.
Suddenly, I feel Spencer's body tense. She's probably crashing back to reality and needs to put a stop to this. That's not gonna happen, so when she tries to pull back to look at me, I just take the opportunity to kiss her fully. And goddamn, did I kiss her fully. She melts again into my embrace. I'm pretty much on cloud nine.
Unfortunately, air becomes an issue. "I missed you," I say, breathless when I pull back. "What's taking so long?"
"Oh, um, the bartender," Spencer answers back, shyly. "This is Carmen. She just wanted to keep me company while I waited for the drinks."
Yeah, I fucking bet, I cynically thought as I level her with a stare.
"I bet," I respond.
I hope it sounded coolly, but the way Spencer shot me a curious glance told me I sounded stiff. She looks at Carmen who has the beginnings of a snarky smirk forming on her lips. Goddamn it all to hell! The last thing I need is to get called out over this jealously feeling and have Spencer get upset over it. I need to get her away from this Carmen bitch fast.
"This is your girl?" Carmen asks Spencer, gesturing towards me.
I practically snarl at her. "She's not a property," I say, tightening my grip on Spencer. Then, a saving grace happens and our drinks arrive. "But look, our drinks. We're gonna drink this and go dance. Feel free to watch us."
Issue challenged. This bitch will know once and for all, she will never get Spencer, but it was a cute try. The moment she sees me with my girl, she's gonna know what a colossal mistake she made in approaching her. She should've backed the fuck off the moment I approached, but she just stood there like an idiot. Oh, she thought she had a chance diverting Spencer's attention away from me? Okay. We'll see how well that turns out for you, Carmen, you dumb bitch. Ugh!
I take the drinks and give one to Spencer before leading her back to our table. I can feel Carmen's stare on us, but I don't dare look back until I settle us back into our VIP booth. Once Carmen realizes where we're sitting, she scowls. Now it's my turn to have a snarky smirk. Yeah, that's right, bitch. What could you give Spencer? I absently drink my Shirley Temple as I engage an angry staring contest with Carmen. I don't stop until I feel Spencer's tentative hand over mine. I look at her and she looks genuinely concerned. She nibbles on her bottom lip.
"Are you okay?" She asks. She leans closer to me. "Are you having a good time?"
I softly smile at her before I let it turn into a naughty smirk. "Of course. There's no such thing as a bad time when you're right by my side."
She gives me a smitten smile and starts talking about the things she likes about the club while she drinks. Immediately, it eases out the tension inside me created by Carmen. Soon enough, I don't even think about the bitch. My focus is completely on the angel in front of me. We talk until both our drinks are done. I ask if she's ready to dance and she nods.
That's when all hell breaks loose for me. I can't control anything about myself when we're on the dance floor. Her body is so hypnotizing, I'm under a trance. I'm under her spell and I just have to touch her. I have to make sure my angel is real and she's all to myself. The way her body grinds to mine is like that dirty whisper telling me it's okay to fuck her in front of everyone. The closer we are, the more sexual the tension gets. And I know she can feel it.
Fuck, she's the one who initiates it.
I was perfectly happy just keeping it PG-13. I was happy to tease; a little too close here and there while I sway my hips closer and closer to her pelvis before pulling back. But she's the one who wants to grind; who wants to touch. She's the one who wants to make sure we're impossibly close and kiss until we flirt with death by asphyxiation. And I can't deny her anything. I will never deny her anything.
She's my fucking angel.
And soon enough, I get a little carried away. I kiss her so breathless, she literally has no idea what she's doing. One minute, it's dark and she's moaning against my mouth. The next, her breath hitches when the dim lights change I the setting dynamic. She looks dazed and confused, like she has no idea how she got here. But she doesn't seem to mind because when she searches my face, she just goes back to kissing me. God, she trusts me completely. I'm so fucking drunk of her, it's not even funny.
I moan against her lips and start to undo her pants. I shouldn't do this here, right in the middle of small hallway in a club. I should fuck her in my bed, not here. But she's pulling me closer and moaning my name and I know she wants this. I should stop it, though, knowing this isn't really Spencer. I know there's a part of her that will feel embarrassed after the high of sexual pheromones wears off. She might even blame me; she might even accuse me of manipulating her. I should at least give her an out. But when I try to pull back to do that, she immediately pulls me back in.
No, she wants this.
Who am I to deny my angel what she fucking wants?
I get her pants undone and get two fingers inside her before she pulls my entire body flush against hers. It's hard and a little awkward, but I bring her to that euphoria. She screams my name as muffled as she can. It should be enough for her, but it's not for me. I need to bring her there one more time. I told you, I get carried away. I slip my fingers out only to add a third back in and I use my thumb to flick her clit. I don't stop until she screams my name again.
~~ MF MF MF ~~
Goddamn it, what is wrong with me? How could I go so far? How could I lose so much control? Fuck, I'm the worst!
I hear her one-sided conversation with her mom in the car on the way home. She's asking Paula to spend the night, which I think is best. I glance over to her profile as I mentally beat myself up. I really went too far with that hickey. I'm gonna have to help her cover that up on Sunday. The moon is full so its natural light illuminates her. I find myself melting for her. My heart beats a little faster and my chest aches. God, if I lose her because I couldn't control myself...
I will fucking die.
I shake my head. I have to make this right. Tonight, I will not fuck her. With everything in my power, I will not fuck her. Please, God I don't believe in, grant me the strength. I have to prove she's more than a fuck toy. I nod to myself. With everything inside me, I'm gonna end the night on a PG note. Okay, maybe PG-13. Regardless, we're just sleeping in my bed tonight.
Just sleeping, Ash, I tell myself. Have some goddamn control. Prove yourself.
"My mom says hi," she says, bringing me back.
I focus back on her and see she's grinning at me. We're sitting on a red light, so I take my opportunity. I leaned in for a kiss.
"Let's not talk about your mom," I say.
I kiss her with as much eroticism I can muster. I can't help it. It's almost natural every time my lips touch her. It's automatic my tongue massages hers then my teeth has to bite down on her lip. I take control and she seems to love it. Her moans give me the courage to continue as I keep paralyzing her. I don't know, kissing her centers me; keeps me calm. Just having her near blocks the spiraling thoughts out.
God, she's my absolute fucking savior.
We break apart when a loud honk blares behind us. I pull back to see her blushing. It's so adorable. I want to kiss her again, but this is a good example to exercise control. I smile at her before going back to my seat. We still haven't moved and there's a reason for that. As the car behind me keeps honking, I make eye contact with the driver behind me. I roll down my window and flip them off. Then I punch it. Her giggles make it all worth it.
When we get to my house, it's pretty much empty. Kyla had the right mind to avoid home tonight. My mom, well, she's probably spending the night with one of her gentlemen friends. That's what she calls them, not me. They're straight up her fuck boys. Anyway, I'm glad it's just us. Spencer expects me immediately to lead her up to my room, but I have different plans. I see the small frown on her face as I lead her to the kitchen, but I pretend I don't see it. She'll know soon enough why we're making a pitstop.
Without a word, I lead inside the kitchen near the fridge and I pin her to the counter. I kiss her like I did in the car. She's more responsive since there's no seatbelt to block the restrictions. She pulls me closer by my hips and soon, I'm pretty much on top of her. I keep my hands on her neck as I devour her mouth. Her hands are a different story. They move to dip inside my pants and as I much as I want it, I can't let it progress that far. I break the kiss, but don't pull away. I just let myself be her presence as we take a breather.
As much as it pains me, I pull away, chuckling. I don't want her to think she did anything wrong. I give her a comforting smile before going back to my original task. Silently, I start taking out the strawberries. I made sure Maria started stocking them since I first saw Spencer that faithful day. I get a bowl then start to rinse a bunch of strawberries in them. I forgot to get the whip cream, so I go back to get it. Sue me, I got distracted thinking about Spencer's sweet lips. I take the whip cream out then spray the bowl a healthy amount. I put it back then face Spencer again. She looks so devilish and beautiful, I have to tease her just a little. I dip my finger inside the bowl for the whip cream. I smear it across her lips then sucked it off. Her tongue is immediate with mine.
Fuck, she will be my sweet death.
I curl my finger inside the belt loop of her pants and pull her away from the counter. I give her a naughty grin and lead back up to my bedroom. She gives me one back and I subtlety have to take deep breaths to calm myself. Whatever I have to do, I will not fuck her. I get her up to my bedroom and she thinks we're gonna do some naughty foreplay with some food. As much as I want to, I think it's too soon in our sexual relationship. Hell, in our relationship in general. I push her on my bed and she waits for me to push her shirt up or something, but I don't. As much as I want to hover over her and kiss her senseless, I don't. I just make sure she's settled before placing the bowl down and I went to my DVD collection. I decide on a scary movie since it's the perfect cuddle movie. At least for me. Spencer seems like she gets scared easy with violence. She watches me as I pop in From Dusk till Dawn then I settle right next to her.
She seems a little confused, but when I place the bowl of strawberries between our thighs, she smiles at me when I look at her. I smile back and feed her a strawberry. This is my silent way of telling her she's more. I just want to watch a movie with her. Be in her presence. We spend the night feeding each other strawberries or kissing. Soon, she's asleep against me.
I watch her sleep, thinking how fucking lucky I am she's in my life. I admire her features; how soft they look while she sleeps. There goes my chest aching again and my heart swelling. I lightly brush some hair out of her face. There. My perfect angel. She'll still look perfect with messy hair, but at the moment, I just want a clear view. I kiss her forehead before settling more into my bed. I feel my eyes droop. I adjust myself so it's more me cuddling her. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Soon, my breathing evens out and my arms tighten around her.
I must say, I'm super proud of myself for having control.
End Ch. 9
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MF