We own Mr. Cactus and Mungo and this story. All rights reserved to their respective companies n all that jibba-jabba.

Tetra: walks past Link, purposely ignoring him Where's that powder monkey?! Tell that stupid rat to get down to the artillery now! We're approaching a ship!

Link: I'm right here!

Tetra: You'd best find him soon, or I'll tear his...

Gonzo: Yes, miss Tetra. I'll go fetch him now.

Tetra: Good. leaves

Link: What the hell was that?

Gonzo: You'd best get down there, before she stops pretending she can't see you.

Link: Yipe! runs down to cannons

-On deck

Tetra: yells to other ship Ahoy there!

Other ship dude: Ahoy! What is it you want?

Tetra: Surrender your treasure and cargo, or we'll make you blow up real good!

Other ship dude: Uh... I'll have to think about that. How's tomorrow sound?

Tetra: Oh sure, that's... HEY! yells into tube OPEN FIRE!

-Below deck

Tube: OPEN FIRE!

Link: stuffs cannon in record time lights fuse

Cannon: Blam!

Link: reloads

-Much later

Nudge: Jeez, Link, what was up with you? You were all like, zoom! And the cannon was all like, BLAM BLAM BLAM! And they were all like, makes hand motions of shit blowin' the crap up AUGH! WHAU-GAGHBLE! AAAH, HELP! OH GOD MY LEG! MY LEEEEEGG!!! CAPTAIN, WE'RE SINKING! OH GOD WE'RE GONNA DIE!!! DAMN THAT CANNON KID'S FAST!! OH NOES!! MY LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEGGGG!!!!!!

Link: ...Dude, what's wrong with you? Besides, I just ran it like I normally would.

Tetra: comes below deck Okay, who was assigned to cannon 4 today? Whoever it was is getting a bonus. And a promotion.

Mr. Cactus: hands assignment list to Tetra

Tetra: reads list Cha, you know what? high-pitched Uh-uh.

Link: Hey!

Tetra: Oh, fine. flips a coin to Link Sorry, but you can't be promoted anymore. You're already first mate.

Link: Oh, come on! Just one coin?

Tetra: What'll you do for another?

Link: ...

Tetra: Well? Can't think of anything?

Link: ...I'll be your best frie-eend!

Tetra: My best friend is money, and there's no way you can be a better friend than my money.

Mako: Money doesn't make a good friend, it just sits there doing nothing.

Gonzo: Yeah. And every time you buy something new, it leaves you.

Tetra: ...Fine... flips over another coin Go get me a popsicle.

Link: Huh?

Belzon: in a director's chair, wearing a headset and yelling Cut, cut, cut! Tetra, popsicles haven't been invented yet. Stick to the script.

Tetra: holds up script Every page is blank. You're too damn lazy to write a script, and you know it!

Orpus, the script writer: sleeping on couch snores

Belzon: Somebody get a bucket. Action!

Tetra: Fine. flips over a coin Go get me some pie.

Link: What kind?

Tetra: Rare Purple Mountain berry, made from the rarest berries known in existence.

Link: What?! But those are the rarest, most difficult to harvest berries in the known world! How am I supposed to get those?!

Tetra: Oh gee, it looks like I have an open slot for best friend.

Link: Fine, I'll get you your damned berries! But I'll want something in return!

Gonzo: We'll have to change course to head for Mountain island, home of the dreaded Murderhorn: the Mountain that Kills. That's the only place to find them.

Link: Whaddaya mean Murderhorn?! We're going to Purple Mountain.

Mako: No, Link, they're called Purple Mountain berries because they're purple and they grow on a mountain.

Link: Then why is the name capitalized?

Mako: The first book to ever list them had a misprint, and everybody's just too lazy to change it.

Link: ...Oh...

-Later, at the Murderhorn...

Link: That's a tall mountain.

Tetra: Hope ya don't die, you've not paid back in full yet!

-At the mountain

Link: Say, what's this?

Sign: Convenient ladder to the top of the mountain CLOSED DUE TO MISSING STEP AT THE VERY BOTTOM!

Link: Wow. looks at ladder I guess I'll have to go up the long way... hey, wait! sees conveniently placed box in conveniently placed little box depression what leads straight to the base of said ladder Wow! How lucky can one guy get?

-After an hour of climbing

Link: pant wheeze pant Oh god my heart is about to explode. Dear sweet heavenly beings, take me now and end this misery... Hey, a sign!

Sign: Congratulations! You've made it a quarter of the way to the top!

Link: sob

-3 more hours

Link: Finally! gasp The top! gasp Damn, the gasp air's thin! gasp Hey, berries! gasp Wait, what's gasp that? It's gasp a liftable gasp rock! tosses rock Hey, gasp a cave! enters cave

Great Fairy: sitting in chair, wearing goo and cucumber on her face and talking on phone Oh yeah, I tried that very same recipe, but i got a totally different result... notices Link Oh, just a minute... poofs to normal Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! I will help you! Here, take this mask! It will help you breathe the thin mountain air! And here, have this purple berry pie! I don't want it anymore!

Link: dons mask Hey, sweet! Does it work underwater?

Great Fairy: Hm... that's a good question! Now go away! pushes Link out

Link: outside Hey, a fireman pole! slides down Weeeeee!

-Two hours later, bottom of the mountain

Link: steps away from pole I'll never slide down a pole ever again... OW!... Jeez, I'm chafed in places that didn't even touch the pole!... Hey, a lotion Chuchu! kills Chuchu and uses softening, moisturizing Chu goo Ahhhhh.......

-Morning on the ship

Tetra: YAAAAY! Pie pie pie pie pie pie pie pie pie pie! tastes pie Hm... this pie sucks! throws pie at Link

Link: scrapes pie off face Well, using the heat generated by sliding down that pole and many ingredients I picked on the way down and these berries, I made a good pie! hands pie to Tetra

Tetra: tastes pie Mmm. eats more Mmm! scarfs pie MMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!

Link: ...Hey, save some for me, will ya?

Tetra: MINE!! runs away and hides to finish the pie in secret

-later on...

Nudge: playing a card game with Gonzo, Mako, & Niko Where's Tetra?

Gonzo: Who cares. Ah-ha! Gin! slaps cards on floor

Mako: Dude, we're playing Old Maid.

Gonzo: Oh. looks at cards a second time and sees the Old Maid Damn it!

Nudge: Ha ha, you lose! Off with the belt!

Tetra: walks in What the... hey! What have I said about playing Strip Old Maid?! Quit that, it's indecent!

Niko: scurries away covering himself hides under a barrel

Link: wakes up from a nap Hey! Whose clothes are lying all over the floor?!

Gonzo: puttin' his shirt back on Those'd be Niko's.

Link: Well, they're mine now! grabs clothes

Nudge: Dude, what'll you do with them? You only wear that one outfit. Ever.

Link: We ALL do that.

Niko: stands up wearing a barrel Not me! I'm goin' NEKKID!

Tetra: Put on some clothes or you'll go where they don't need clothes. To HELL!!!

Niko: ...I'M NEKKID!

Tetra: shoots Niko with a cannon Die, filthbucket!

Link: doing his happy jumping dance Hooray! Explosions!

Tetra: aims cannon at Link

Link: stops in mid-air Oh noes, cannonballs! leaps behind Nudge

Nudge: gets hit by cannonball Blarg! I am dead! falls into bits

Tetra: Stick him and Niko in the freezer until we find some fairies.

sideburn pirate: Aye, aye. gathers up the chunklets

-later, after they found Link had been hoarding fairies...

Link: very beaten up pushes chunks together, dumps a fairy on the pile

Nikonudge: Gleargh!

all: AAAAAAAAHH!!

small misshapen head: K-kill... me...

Link: With gusto! draws sword

-later...

Tetra: covered in blood Ew. AWESOME!!!

crew: likewise Cool!

-Tune in next time! Review!