I was going to say that this is a bit of a filler chapter but far too much happens for it to actually be a filler chapter.
I thankfully managed to get rid of my bastard virus, I say that but actually my sister took it to her work and 'apparently' the virus had vanished. I know bloody typical….and the story of my life.
I know I said I would reply to review but I thought an update would be better?
I'm really sorry it took me so long to update this, but the laptop was seriously playing up, the virus was stopping me from being able to upload word and everything else. So It was impossible to upload anything. God it was so frustrating.
Then to top things off my twin sister was taken into hospital with a serious kidney infection, so last week that's were I spent most of my time before and after work.
So it's been a stressful week or so.
Cheer me up? Let me know your still reading this? And ill try and get my mo-jo back into this story.
Btw just to let you know that ive noticed that FFN sometimes deletes swear words out of my stories, I don't know if anyone else has experienced that because last chapter someone said it didn't make sense, I then read it over and noticed that a swear word had been taking out resulting in it being slightly confusing so if that is the case, put a swear word there and bobs you uncle
I do not own skins, and all mistakes are mine
Emz x
Feel it Chapter 10 – And then you.
How my thoughts they spin me round
And how my thoughts they let me down
And how my dreams they spin me round
And how my dreams they let me down
Then there's you
Everything is different, like completely different. It's almost as If her eyes are seeing things for what they really are, they no longer have the fluffy outer layer that just masked all the horrible things in the word. Now everything was bold, sharp and just so fucking real.
The rain was still hammering down, finally soaking her final layer of clothing buried underneath all her others. She didn't care though, no longer did she have the fairytale urge to grab an umbrella and start dancing in the rain, not right now, and she was sure it would be the same from now on, the rain just made her feel numb.
Her flimsy black pumps squelched in the puddles, bubbles forming on the fabric as her feet press down on the sponge like soles.
She didn't know where she was heading; couldn't go back to her apartment filled with pictures of her shattering relationship to Cook. She knew she'd crossed a line tonight, not in the physical way, because lets be honest she's crossed that line a month ago, couldn't even see that line anymore, but emotionally. She'd crossed an emotional line that she just she couldn't go back on.
Finding out that Emily was getting married killed her. More then she could ever imagine it would.
Naomi could feel herself getting angrier, the blood in her system starting to boil as she realised how foolish she's been acting. She's done the one thing she vowed never to do; she's made herself vulnerable and not even too her fucking boyfriend. To a red fire cracker that scolded her the first moment her eyes fell upon her skin.
Everything had changed; everything was so fucking different now. She didn't like it.
Every fucking step she took away from the sobbing red head seemed like it was crushing every last bit of her heart. She couldn't just stand there though, not while Emily was crumbling before her eyes, it was too painful and irritating to watch because she was hoping Emily would have been stronger, fucking needed for her to be stronger.
The cloud filled sky seemed to be getting lighter, the droplets of rain still fell in massive waves but the greeny tinge to the street she was walking down made her wonder whether a thunder storm was brewing. She wanted a thunder storm, wanted it to hammer down and scream, its exactly what she wanted to do yet she just couldn't. Couldn't find the strength of the voice to express such despair and loss.
No point in venting her emotions anyway, it wasn't going to change anything,
It wasn't going to make Emily say no.
Her feet carried her; her mind completely flooded with images and memories shared between her and the red head. In the kitchen in JJ's flat, his toilet floor. The ally way behind the club, the way her red hair fell in front of her eyes as she giggled because she was teasing the blonde about what she did for a living. The way her eyes sparkles and reflected the orange glow coming from the open fire, the way she panted beneath the blonde as she plunged her fingers deep inside of her.
She plonked herself down on a small wall at the foot of a unloved garden, her feet no longer able to keep her body up any longer, they ached and begged to be dried. She didn't move though, allowed the rain to carry on soaking her as she searched through her pockets for her cigarettes. A nicotine fix seeming the only slight bit of light at the end of this apparently long dark tunnel she's found herself walking down.
The feeling as the smoke plummeted down her lungs was oddly refreshing, it gave her some feeling of normalcy, some resemblance of her previous life. The life she's so carelessly and recklessly left behind, she wasn't even sure she wanted to leave it behind. But she wasn't a heartless bitch, she couldn't carry on with Cook not when she'd betrayed him so much.
Tears stung the back of her eyes as her face crumpled up into a sob.
No use in fighting it.
She broke down silently, allowing her shoulders to shake and her hands to grip the brick wall beneath her.
"Naomi?"
Her neck swings round so quickly she's surprised it doesn't cramp. Her eyes fall upon the figure of her worried mother. She furrows her brows looking at her surroundings, suddenly recognising the unloved garden to be her own. It makes her heart swell slightly that her body on autopilot brought her to her mum.
Gina's by herself in a flash upon seeing the broken expression on her daughters face. Her arm wraps protectively around Naomi's trembling shoulders, her clothes and hair starting to get wet from the never ending droplets of rain. "Naomi?"
Naomi's bottom lip trembles making it hard for her to speak "Mum" she croaks "I did bad"
She sounds like such a child, no longer to confident 22 year old she was.
Fucking Emily making her weak, destroying her slight allowance for love.
"Come inside dear, I'll get you all dry and make you a cupper" Gina says snaking her arm through Naomi's trying to use the muscles in her legs to hoist the sluggish blonde up from her sitting position. "Effy's inside as well, She can have a word with you while I fetch some towels"
Knowing Effy was inside filled the blonde with mixed feelings. She was happy to know her best friend was there, she always loved the fact that Effy and her mum got on so well, they use to go round at least once a week for one of Gina's outrageously flavoured tea but since Naomi became a police officer she's found herself with less free time to join them both. The down side to Effy being inside was the fact that she would be able to see everything, even though she joked the other day that she couldn't read the blonde any more she knew that with the way she was feeling even a blind person would be able to pick up on how destroyed she was.
Her feet used their last few ounces of energy to take the blonde inside the warmth of her childhood house, her mothers strong arms contributing to the speed of entry. Even the fucking smell of the house just made her want to lie on the floor in a ball like she always use to as a child when she was waiting for her father to return.
That wasn't going to help right now.
She was lead into the kitchen where she could see the back of Effy's head, her long wavy hair looked slightly damp. She wondered if the brunette had been caught by the sudden down pour as well.
Effy turned her head upon hearing Gina announce her arrival. Her smirk falls from her face once she takes in the drenched girl's appearance.
Naomi plonks herself down on the wooden chair, her mind instantly thankful that the chair was a lot more comfortable for her bum to sit on.
"Bad night?"
Naomi just scoffs resting her tired head in her hands.
"You found out then"
Her eyes shoot up at this "You knew?"
She nods.
"What the fuck Ef, why didn't you tell me?"
She shrugs her shoulders nonchantly "Because I didn't think you would believe me"
"Why not?" despite the fact Naomi knows she's probably right, even hearing from Katie wasn't declaration enough for her, she had to hear Emily say it for herself.
Effy tilts her head to the side "You know why"
Naomi slumps back in her chair, biting her lip nodding slightly. She didn't have the strength to fight with Effy or even get mad at her. She was too drained.
"How did you find out?" She asks,
"JJ called Freddie"
Of course, he was probably fucking ecstatic about Emily saying yes. She's been the only girl ever to say yes too him.
"Fuck" she said slumping her back against the chair once again, winging her fingers through her wet locks.
Effy sits forward in her chair, a fag pitched behind her right ear "Did she tell her yourself then?"
Naomi shakes her head "Katie came to my flat" she glances up at Effy "She knows"
Effy ignores what she says "Did Emily tell you herself"
The blonde straightens up in her chair "No, I kept telling her to just fucking say it but she didn't" she can feel the anger she previously felt begin to rise. Why couldn't she just say the words to her; it would hurt but it would be the closure she needed. Now she was just left scarred and confused.
Effy smiles, taking the fag perched behind her ear, placing it in her mouth muttering "Then that's something"
Naomi doesn't want to hear it, she shakes her head scoffing.
"What?" Effy says through a cloud of smoke, her hands slanted either side of her.
"Don't try and explain her actions"
Effy sits back in her chair, her cigarette perched at the end of her extended arm. Naomi takes the fag, taking a deep breath feeling the smoke rush to her lungs "I'm not"
Gina comes storming into the room balances a huge piles of towels in which Naomi is sure she only really needs one. Knows that her mum is probably panicking because Naomi has never turned up like this before, Naomi wishes she could let the smile of love for her mum to spread across her face to show her she's grateful for what she's doing but her muscles don't work.
The elder blondes take a towel from the top, hesitantly moving towards her tired daughter before cautiously beginning to dry Naomi's hair. In any other situation Naomi wouldn't dare let her mother do this, she wouldn't allow the feeling of incompetence to over whelm her, but right now she needs this, needs someone to look after her even if it is a bit ridiculous.
"Fuck the tea" Gina says startling Naomi. She drops the towel on the blondes shoulder as she shuffles over to one of the cupboards revelling one of the largest bottles of Vodka Naomi has ever seen "Kept this for a rainy day"
"Were you planning on surviving afterwards?"
Gina laughs plonking the large bottle on the table retrieving some glasses on the kitchen side "You're wound up tighter than anything I know, alcohol will help you to unwind"
"It won't help mum, just make everything blurry"
Effy opens the red lid "Then just forget for a while"
"I don't think I can"
Gina sets three shot glasses in a row on the table for Effy to fill "Fine, if you can't forget then we shall play a game"
"Why do I not like the sound of this?"
"Well it's the only way I'm going to find out what on earth is going on" Too true, Naomi thinks.
She grabs a filled shot glass "Okay, how do we play?"
"Its sort of like a guessing game. If I say something remotely true you have to take a shot. This way you wont have to tell me directly AND we get merry at the same time"
"This is ridiculous"
"Nonsense its fun" Gina says excitedly, it reminds Naomi of Panda. She downs a shot claiming its to warm up her liver before filling herself another one. Naomi now knows where she gets the alcohol tolerance from. "Right who's going first?" Gina asks glancing at Effy.
"Wait this isn't fair, surely I get to ask questions?"
Effy laughs "Give it a rest Naomi; you ask questions constantly as part of your job, surely you'd love a break?"
"Touché" Naomi says downing her shot claiming to be warming her own liver up. The vodka reminding her of the sweet taste she experienced on Emily's lips the night at the club.
Naomi shirts in her seat, her damp clothes making her whole body itch. She doesn't make a fuss, wants to use the fact that its not healthy to be sat in wet clothes to her advantage if the questioning gets too direct.
"You're the oldest, you go first" Effy smirks.
Gina shoots her a glare muttering something about her respecting her elders before settling her eyes on Naomi's nervous form. She had no idea why she was allowing this to happen, thought she would be a lot more afraid of letting her own mother know that she had been having sexual experiences with the fairer sex.
With a fucking flawless girl that could make drastic changes to your life just from her eyes.
It was probably because if there's one positive thing that's come out of this whole mess its that she's become fearless. She's had the worst out come of the entire affair, she's lost Emily.
Wasn't even sure she wanted Emily in the first place, but with this feeling in the pit of her stomach she did, did all along.
It doesn't matter if her mum knows, it won't change anything. Naomi is still Naomi, it doesn't make her gay and It doesn't make her straight. Her mum is the last person to try and label her.
"Keep these questions easy, at least until ive had a few shots" Naomi compromises; they both nod in agreement, each taking short glances at one another. Naomi can see the thoughts looming in their heads, the desperate questions wanting to escape.
Gina looks up into the corner of the room clearly trying to contemplate which question to ask "Okay easy first, let me think"
Naomi toys nervously with her full shot glass.
"Do you like strawberries or berries?"
Effy laughs while Naomi makes a confused expression "How am I meant to answer that?"
"Gina it's got to be a closed question, either yes or no"
Gina laughs shaking her head "Course, okay fuck this" Naomi raises her eyebrows at her mothers swearing "Have you been sleeping with someone other than Cook?"
Naomi chokes on her own spit while Effy chuckles yet again "How the fuck is that starting off easy?"
"Bored" Gina states eyeing Effy with an amused expression "Are you drinking or not?"
"Fuck it" she downs the shot. There's not really any point in beating around the bush. She might as well face this entire thing head on right? Gina's right.
Effy sits forward in her chair, twirling the liquid in her shot glass "You've felt the most alive you've felt your entire life since this all begun" Effy changes the game slightly by making a statement for Naomi to agree with, to which she does by taking another shot. The liquid burns down her throat causing her to cringe, feels it burn all down her wind pipe.
It's true and straight to the point as per usual with Effy. She has felt the most alive since being with Emily, everything has just been so bright and excited with the red head near. Now everything was boring and bland.
Gina pours her another shot "is the person you have been sleeping with a girl?"
The blondes eyes almost shoot out of their sockets, that was definitely a question she wasn't prepared to hear her mother ask, and so fucking flippantly either. She glances at Effy for support, receiving none. Her mums staring at her shot glass intently, her expression is hard to read.
She downs the shot waiting for the out burst from her mother, instead she's receives a smile.
"You're not mad?" its pathetic, Naomi knows that she wouldn't really care if her mother didn't agree, just wonders why she hasn't hit the roof asking why she feels the need to behave in such a way.
"Darling you should know better. Its not about the anatomy of the person you fall in love with, its who they are"
Naomi giggles feeling the pressure lessen slightly on her chest; she didn't realise how much having her mother's approval would affected her. She leans back on her chair "You're such a fucking cliché"
"I'm a nice cliché" Gina argues, before saying 'bottoms up' and downing her shot.
"You should take some tips Naoms, you're such a cynical cow" Effy joins in taking a shot. Naomi shoots her eyebrows up, since when was Effy not cynical? Hypocrite much? "You can't include me in this, I was born cynical, you became cynical" Effy clears.
You wouldn't think it but that was one of her punch lines and Naomi knew she was right. She use to be like her mother years ago, it all went to shit when her dad left her. Since that night it was almost like an instant change, she decided that nothing ever lasts.
Emily helped prove that theory.
Naomi takes another shot trying to erase the image of Emily playing in the back of her mind. She can feel the alcohol running wild in her blood stream, all the pretty colourful things begin to come into her vision, just like they did when she was high on Emily. It was nice, made her feel relaxed.
A fag appears in her eye line, she grabs it from the slim slender fingers fumbling to put it in her mouth before being granted with an already lit lighter. She puffs out the smoke seeing her mums face screw up as she tries to wave the smoke away from her face.
"Right Effy I believe your next" says Gina's strained voice.
Effy releases a huge puff of smoke, her eyes wearily eyeing the blonde "Do you regret any of it?"
She doesn't take the shot because although the guilt can completely crush her sometimes she's never once wished that she never met the red head. Even if she's somehow completely stomped all over her heart she wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
This is the new fearless Naomi, the one that wants to stand out in a crowd rather than stand on the side lines looking in. That's the type of person every one wants to be right?
Fearless.
Naomi takes a shot just to try and calm down her racing thoughts. All these random thoughts that are making her want to spin around. Throw the table away and dance like the fearless person in the middle of the dance floor.
"What are you gonna do darling?" Gina's concerned voice asks, her eyes beaming with worry.
Naomi fills up her shot glass and downs it. Not sure how to answer. It's a big question.
Effy fills her shot glass up again "She needs to make a few changes"
I need to end things with Cook she thinks as she downs the other shot Effy just poured.
She stands up from her seat wobbling slightly putting out her fag, her still soggy clothes cling to her skin. The alcohol helps to make the uncomfortable feeling against her skin tolerable.
This has to be done, even if the out come isn't one she was hoping for.
"Hold on" Gina says standing up pulling Naomi back down onto her chair. She fills Naomi's shot glass and her own empty one before looking at Naomi fully "Do you love her?"
Love her. Love, love her. Love Emily.
It sounded so weird the word love. Didn't she need to fall out of love with Cook first? Did she love Cook? Had it been that this entire time she has confused love with friendship? Cook didn't make her feel the way Emily did. Didn't make her crazy but sane at the same time, make her want to do the most craziest things and sit back and relax comfortably in a chair. Make her want to shake them irritated and caress them at the same time. Make her thoughts race with flashing images of them. Her skin to tremble as their fingers traced restless circles, her veins pump extra blood to her heart because it was beating a hundred times a second because they were in the room. She never felt like that with Cook.
"You love her" Gina says with another brilliant smile. Downs her shot.
"I didn't say that"
"Dear, you didn't have to. Its written all over your face"
Fuck, I love Emily. LOVE Emily. The girl that's just broken my heart.
Naomi pours herself another shot, this time it burns as it goes down her throat, she stands. "It doesn't matter, even if I did it wouldn't change anything"
It hurts to say the words but its true. Emily still chose to be with JJ, even if she didn't exactly voice it.
The pressure builds on her chest again.
"Where you going?" Effy asks standing as well.
"Home"
"Darling do you think that's wise? Why don't you stay here for tonight?" she turns to Effy "Maybe this game wasn't such a good idea"
"No it was" Naomi interjects "It's made me realise a few things, I can't keep running from the truth. I'm not happy and haven't been for a while"
Emily's voice resounds in her head.
I think you could do anything if you put your mind to it.
Be brave Naomi Campbell.
;;
Gina and Effy reluctantly bid her fair well, the way she stumbled out of the front door probably didn't help their confidence. But she needed to do this, knew she had to do this to ensure that everything would at least get that little bit better.
She grabs her phone out of her pocket, the light drizzle from earlier has finally stopped therefore not adding to her already moist clothes. She looks up at the night sky seeing the darkness enveloping the stars, the same way it does the earth. She wishes she could be a star, shining brightly millions of miles away from any others, that way she couldn't get hurt, wouldn't have the trouble of being vulnerable to getting hurt.
The phones screen shines brightly in the darkness of the night, it blinds her for a moment and takes her at least a minute before her eyes adjust to the screen. The alcohol doing its job in making everything she needs to do that little bit harder but also easier at the same time.
Her heart stops in her chest when she see's a message from Emily.
Her thumb hovers over the button. She knows its either going to be pathetic or make everything so much harder and confusing.
I'm sorry Ex
Pathetic then. She's not even going to reply. Its not worth her unlimited texts.
;;
It takes her a few attempts to get her key in the key hole, she swears it keeps moving every time her key gets close. Fucking bastard of a key hole trying to contribute to her already crumbling life.
She makes a triumphant noise when she finally gets the door unlocked, she walks wearily into the apartment trying not to stumbles on Cooks abandoned slippers in the hallway. She can hear the low hum of the TV, some talk show is coming through the speakers, she can hear the laughter of the audience.
Walking into the living room she spots Cooks form laid out on the sofa. His head spins round once he hears her enter.
She takes a deep breath.
"Hey babe, wondered where ya got too. Fort ya would be at home when I got back yano" he says shuffling on the sofa. His face changes from relaxed to confused once he spy's her wet appearance.
"Cook we need to talk"
Its funny how five words can make an atmosphere in a room completely change.
His face turns into a frown but Naomi can already see the fear.
"Sure babe" he says shuffling up on the sofa to give her room to sit down. Really, she didn't want to be so close, not when she knew what was just at the tip of her tongue. Devastating words that she knew were going to destroy everything that she had taking years to build all around her/
"James, I don't think this is working"
He clears his throat "What do you mean?"
"I can't do this anymore" she chokes, the tears she was hoping wouldn't come, came smashing at the edges of her eyes. She wanted to be strong during this, she owed it to him to be strong and she was failing him in that as well.
He holds his head in his aching hands "I knew this was coming"
"I'm s-so sorry"
"Why didn't you just say this at the lake in the forest?"
His eyes are glistening with tears.
"I wasn't ready"
"So you just lied to me and told me that you loved me?" his voice raises making Naomi flinch. He was right; she had made this whole situation worse by reassuring him back at Gobblers end that everything was okay when it was anything but okay. I mean she fucked Emily less than an hour after reassuring him, what good person does that?
She didn't say anything, couldn't. There was nothing that she could say that would make this situation any better.
Might as well experience the rawness of it. She deserved every scar she got out of this.
"Look at me!" he demanded.
She hesitated before looking into his shattering brown eyes. He grabbed her hands making Naomi jolt from his hold "Tell me you don't love me, say it, and I will leave"
Everything seemed so calm, too calm. She knew there was a storm brewing within him. She just prayed he didn't erupt in front of her.
Tears poured down her cheeks. She felt horrible, hated the way she didn't feel like she was connected to her body.
"Say it Naomi!" he said through clenched teeth, his hands gripping hers slightly harder. He reminded her of herself, he sounded exactly the same way she did when she begged Emily to tell her, to say the words so that she could move on.
I love JJ and I want to marry him. I want to be his wife.
She knew how horrible it was to wait.
He deserved better. He deserved the truth. Deserved her to say the words.
"I don't love you" She whispered.
He withdrew his hands.
And she was surprised how cold she felt afterwards. She daren't open her eyes and look at him, she couldn't bare to witness him fall apart. She heard him sniff before he stood.
She opened her eyes looking at his standing form. His cheeks were soaked with tears, she could see him trying to compose himself. She wanted him to say something, anything to let her know that he would be okay. She didn't want to loose him, not fully, she needed him to be there for her. She needed to see him after this, she couldn't imagine her life without him in it at all.
"I'm so sorry, Please don't leave completely. I cant bare the thought of never seeing you again" she sobbed, wiping her nose with her damp top.
He chuckled through his tears "It takes a lot more than you breaking my heart to get rid of me Campbell. Just give me time" he said.
He gave her a kiss to the forehead before leaving. The sound of the front door closing seemed so fucking final she hoped never to hear that sound again in her life. She doesn't even know how bad she would have felt had it of been Emily closing that door. Although, realistically Emily had already closed that door.
She pulled her phone out of her pocket trying to see what the time was, surprised when she saw yet another text from the red head. She screeched out annoyed, clenching her fists before hitting the sofa beneath her. She hated the way her heart beat got excited at the thought of Emily contacting her, hated the way everything just seemed that little bit alright when she knew that Emily had thought about her.
Emily had destroyed everything! Had changed everything in her life so carelessly!
Destroyed everything yet managed to keep everything perfect in her own life.
How the fuck was that fair?
Katie was right yet again, little miss unpredictable force, nothings fucking fair.
She opened the text.
You were always the brave one. E x
She wondered how Emily was feeling when she wrote that text. What she was doing, whether she was crying or smiling. Hoped she was feeling as broken and vulnerable as she was. Everything was out of the water now, the bubble that her and Emily had created was finally popped. Emily was right, she is the brave one right now, right now, because Naomi knows that Emily can be brave too. Naomi has seen slight snippets of the brave Emily, the suave Emily that can just sweep you off you feet in a matter of seconds.
That Emily did exist; she knew she did.
JJ was smothering that Emily, creating this weaker less happy form.
It wasn't right.
But Naomi didn't have the power to do anything about it. Emily had made it clear that she couldn't do anything to change it, otherwise she would have told her herself that she was engaged.
Naomi walked into her bedroom; her eyes still releasing tears. She walked towards her bedside cabinet, sitting on the edge of her bed opening the top draw. Her eyes instantly fall on the picture lying idle and covered in dust. The one picture that always set her heart off, the same picture that released the happy butterflies that Emily did.
Her father.
He looked so happy in the picture and she looked so young on his shoulders laughing as he tried to raise her as high as his arms would stretch. They were in their favourite place; a place they didn't know, one they had discovered and explored together. It was one of the few times that her mum tagged along and thank god she had brought a camera because Naomi was so glad she captured that moment.
A tear dropped on the photo causing her to lift her head to look at the ceiling, a reflex she had conjured up over the years to try and contain her tears.
She looked around her room, seeing the way the bed covers were still a mess from the way her and Cook had left them this morning.
Tonight was going to be new and weird because Cook wasn't going to be lying beside her. That terrified her. She had to keep reminding herself that he left because she wanted him too and not because he decided to randomly. She didn't want to feeling of fear and regret to fill her like it did when her father left. She knew she wouldn't be able to sleep if it did.
She glanced at the text again on her phone. It was pathetic, but it also sounded desperate. If she didn't care so fucking much she wouldn't have found the need to reply, but it was because of one reason that she did.
She fucking loved her. She loved Emily Fitch.
Her fingers typed out a reply.
I believe you can do anything that you put your mind too. Be brave and don't think. N x
She puts her phone down not expecting a reply. She just hopes she takes the text in the way she intends it to be read.
If she can be fearless and reckless, then so can Emily fucking Fitch.
Review? Let me know your still reading this, it will cheer me up.