Thank you so much for all the reviews and alerts off the last chapter. It motivates me to write quicker for you guy! Love the love ;)
Disclaimer: I don't own glee.
Santana poured the last of the vodka into her glass and shoved the empty bottle away. Her apartment looked like a tornado had gone through it. Empty take out containers and bottles littered up the place as did half smoked cigarettes. She ran her hands through her matted hair, and winced as the alcohol burned a path down her throat. Her phone rang, but she ignored it as she took another big swallow. She rested her head on the counter and waited for the alcohol to make everything a little blurry. Her answering machine clicked on when her apartment phone rang, it was Will reminding her that she had to attend the opening of a new restaurant downtown and that he would pick her up at 7. She flipped off the answering machine and took another swallow, wincing more than usual when she hear Kurt's high pitched voice over the answering machine telling her that he'd swing by in a couple of hours to start getting her ready. Santana just reached for an unopened bottle and took another swig.
"Oh my God! What the hell happened to you Santana? You look like shit!" Kurt exclaimed as he let himself in. Santana glared at him, "Wont you come in and throw a couple of insults around" she muttered sarcastically as she shut the door. "I didn't even know you wore glasses" he said as he looked around his eyes widening as he took in the mess. "Did you have a party? Or is this just you living like a pig? Are you against cleaning or something?" he asked as he wrinkled his nose in distaste.
"Hey! You don't get to come in here and insult me about how I live, especially since you use so much damn hairspray, you're probably some sort of walking environmental hazard by yourself. So spare me your little judgemental hissy fit and set your shit up while I go shower" she snapped at a surprised Kurt.
"Are you drunk?" he asked incredulously.
"No!" she retorted as she tripped and almost fell on the couch.
Kurt reached out and steadied her. "Santana, is everything ok?" he asked her gently as he held her steadily. "I met Brittany yesterday, and she looked really out of it too. Did something happen between the two of you?"
Brown eyes looked up at him full of pain, but before he could even be sure, they'd hardened into Santana's familiar glare. "Everything's fine Nancy, don't get your panties in a twist worrying about me. Just do your shit so I can go to this party where I'm gonna grind up against some hot piece of ass that I can bring home" she said as she straightened up and walked unsteadily out of the room. Kurt sighed as he began setting up his things.
Santana stood under the hot water trying to stop the tears streaming down her face. Fuck, why does this always happen when I drink? Stupid emotions! Why did Kurt have to mention HER, couldn't he just do his fucking job and leave. She felt terrible as she imagined Brittany in pain because of her. But what else could I do? I had no choice, it was just really bad timing. She's better off without me anyway; maybe Stubbles and she could get back together. This only caused a fresh bout of sobs the wrack her body.
Kurt was looking down at his phone in confusion. Now more than ever he was sure that something had happened. He's texted Brittany and the normally ebullient dancer was curt and replied in monosyllables. He didn't want to pry but he cared about the two girls and didn't want either of them to suffer. The door opened and Santana walked in wrapped in a bathrobe. Her eyes were red and swollen. She'd obviously been crying. He walked over and started to blow dry her hair as he tried to think of what to say. "You know Santana, you could talk to me if you need to" he said slowly. Her eyes met his in the mirror. "Why the fuck would I do that?" she asked. "It's just... look.. you're obviously sad and upset and I want to help ok, and whatever it is between you and Britt, you two can work through it" he said earnestly. He gulped when he saw her famous glare, "I am going to say this only once Tinkerbell so you listen good, my personal life is not hot gossip for your little tea parties. Just do your fucking job and leave ok" she snarled. Kurt snapped his mouth shut and finished quickly and left.
Santana sighed as she felt another wave of tears threaten to make an appearance. She knew it was not Kurt's fault. She knew she was feeling guilty and so she snapped. She hated doing this to Brittany, but she had to. She did it for them, because neither of their careers could take this sort of hit. Brittany just didn't see it. Plus they weren't in love or anything, it was just one date.
She thought back, to how nervous she was as she opened the door to find the blonde smiling. How she'd brought her a single long stemmed pink rose, which Santana promptly and proudly put in a vase near the front door. Brittany had made reservations at a restaurant for the two of them that reminded Santana vaguely of Breadstix back home, and they even had breadsticks that Santana promptly pounced on. Brittany was the perfect date, pulling out Santana's chair for her and pressing a soft kiss to her head as she sat down. Santana asked to hold hands under the table and Brittany smiled sweetly and complied. Santana remembered the warmth coursing through her as their hands were linked under the table. Conversation always came easy for them, and even the silences were spent comfortably staring into each other's eyes and smiling bashfully.
Brittany said they were going to a new club called 'The Blue' after. Her friend Ashley worked there and would get them in. They danced and drank and just enjoyed each other's company. "I didn't want to put pressure on you. So the dinner was the romantic part and now this is the fun part ok" Brittany said as she twirled Santana around. The dj played a slightly slower track and Brittany held out her hand, making the choice Santana's. Santana melted into the dancer's embrace as they moved slowly, Santana's head resting on Brittany's shoulder, enjoying the feeling of her arms wrapped around her. She had moved to look into her eyes, wrapping her arm around the back of Brittany's neck as she gazed into her eyes. I'm falling for her. I could do this forever.
That was the picture splashed in the paper, thrown carelessly on Jesse's desk. Some stupid photographer or asshole with a cellphone had deemed it fit to just ruin their lives for the sake of entertainment. In one callous little gesture Santana had felt her whole world being torn apart. Tears fell from her eyes as she thought, Fuck! I miss her so much and it's only been two weeks.
Jesse had made it his personal mission to make sure that Santana would not be responsible for negative PR after that. He was convinced that in order to build up her profile as a singer she needed to build up her image as a public figure first. She had to endure a number of long speeches about how to conduct herself in public by a host of people who she would promptly forget. He also had her going to parties and events all over the place, and her cheeks literally hurt from the fake smile that she now wore like a second skin. She was at one such party, where she was supposed to be schmoozing because they pretty much existed for that purpose when she caught a glimpse of Kurt and Rachel. Picking up a flute of champagne off a passing waiter's tray, she joined them. "Well well, it's the dwarf and the princess. What are you two doing here?" she asked as she took a sip. Rachel rolled her eyes and said, "Well if you really must know Santana, Jesse invited me. It's important to build up a good set of contacts in the industry, you never know when you may need it" Santana held out a hand, "God Berry, did your smarmy boyfriend teach you that in exchange for the hickeys on your neck that you oh so conveniently forgot to cover up? she asked sarcastically.
Rachel turned a deep shade of red and brought her hand up to try and cover up the hickeys Santana was referring to. Kurt rolled his eyes at her smirk and said in a bored voice, "She's messing with you Rachel. There aren't any hickeys." An affronted Rachel was just about to retort to Santana when they were interrupted by a squeal from a couple of teenage girls behind them, "Oh my God! Is that David Karoffsky, the football player? That is so cool! What is he doing here?" one of them yelled to the other in excitement. Santana rolled her eyes and was about to snap at them when she realized that Karoffsky was standing in fron of her along with Jesse who sported the biggest smirk on his face. "I'm sure you all know David Karoffsky. Dave here is a big fan of yours Santana. Dave, you obviously know Santana, this is my beautiful girlfriend Rachel and this is their makeup man Kurt" he sneered in Kurt's direction. Karoffsky gave Kurt a disgusted look and then turned to the two women, "Ladies, may I get you two a drink?" he asked politely, effectively stealing them away.
The caption under the picture of the two of them read, Santana Lopez and David Karoffsky were spotted together last night at the launch of Fox Network's new show. Could Karoffsky, notorious for his famous tackles on the field be sweeping this lucky lady off her feet?
The picture featured Dave smiling and Santana drinking from a glass of champagne. Her cell phone rang, it was Jesse. "Please tell me you've seen the paper?" he said excitedly. "Is this some more of your PR bullshit?" she asked. "That ape had no personality. I wouldn't be caught dead with him" she said venomously. She heard Jesse let out a breath in irritation. "Santana it wouldn't be the worst thing to be seen with a guy you know. There have been rumours, a lot of rumours going around after that picture made its appearance. Just go to a couple of events together, let the public see you, it doesn't even need to be official, let them make their own assumptions, just trust me. You don't need this question hanging over your head" he said and hung up. Santana looked at her phone in disgust and then flung it across the room.
She was with David at a launch party shortly after. With her single getting airtime on the radio and the music video making a splash, she had no dearth of a social life, except that she functioned like a zombie. They posed for pictures outside the venue and made their way in, Dave leaving her side to go talk to some of his buddies, and Santana making her way straight to the bar. She felt someone stand next to her and realized that it was Kurt. "How is it that you're everywhere? Are you seriously some sort of mythological pixie creature?" she asked in wonder as she downed the scotch she was drinking. Kurt rolled his eyes, "I'm here with Blaine" he explained patiently. Blaine then made an appearance, wrapping his arms around Kurt's waist and smiling at Santana over Kurt's shoulder, "Hi Santana" he said jovially while he nuzzled Kurt's neck. "Eyebrows!" she nodded back at him. He only laughed and pulled Kurt to the dance floor. "Dance with me" he said tenderly. Santana watched them dance, and felt something shift inside her. Her chest felt heavy, and a dark black mood settled inside her heart. She simultaneously felt like bursting into tears, but also really mad. She quickly checked, but she'd only had two drinks, so she couldn't be drunk, but she felt really, really upset. Suddenly it clicked, she was jealous, insanely jealous of Kurt and Blaine and what they had.
She was still brooding when Kurt came back, a silly smile plastered on his face. "Does he own bowties in colours that will not induce a seizure?" she said conversationally. Kurt laughed and said, "I'm designing some stuff for him that does not include bowties, let's hope he takes it in stride." "You two seem serious? Are you pregnant?" she asked him seriously. "Ha ha funny. Are you seriously dating Karoffsky?" he asked in disgust. Santana shrugged. "That actually makes me want to puke" he said, making a gagging face. "Oh please like you and wannabe Freddy Mercury sucking face is any less nauseating" she said rolling her eyes. Kurt looked at her as if he was debating with himself before saying, "Santana, Karoffsky he's a pig. A homophobic and ignorant bully. I don't want you to get hurt" he said carefully. "Thanks for the concern but why don't you stick your nose back in Blaine's ass back where it belongs and keep it the hell away from my business" she said angrily. "Santana he pushed me around a couple of times, and besides that he's not a very nice person. You can do so much better." He said brushing off her insult although he seemed a little irritated by it.
"Listen to me Tinkerbell and listen good. I have had with people telling me what's good for me. Why don't the whole lot of you fuck off and leave me alone" she yelled. Kurt looked around and pulled her outside, where they had a little more privacy. "Stop making a scene Santana," he warned. She lost it. All the pent up hurt, disappointment and rage she had been bottling up came out in an outpouring of angry insults and vicious words. He called her out on pretty much everything she was holding in, her feelings for Brittany, hiding and being a sad miserable little creature, her significantly increased drinking, how Karoffsky was just an arrangement and a bad one at that, how she wanted to get to the top and didn't care who she trampled on in the bargain. She yelled back at him, insulting words, biting words that were designed to hurt. He looked at her when she was done, tears shining in his large eyes. "Santana, I expected so much more from you. You were someone who showed so much spirit, but now you're just a puppet, a sad cowardly puppet that lets the label tell her what to do. You just talk big, but when it comes down to it, you're just a scared little girl. Maybe it's good you and Brittany never got together because Brittany definitely deserves more than this person you've become. I'm disappointed in you" he said in an even voice and turned around and walked away to Blaine who promptly wrapped his arm around him and they left. Santana was left standing in the balcony, her eyes wide with shock, as she watched her one of her only real friends walk away.
She left soon after Kurt feigning a headache to Dave who didn't seem to care much. She walked into her apartment, straight to the bar and pulled out a bottle of whiskey, taking long swigs, hoping that it would erase Kurt's words swirling around her head. How dare he say that to her? Who the hell was he to even talk to her about these things. She remembered him saying that they were not so different, her and him. Like I could ever be like him. I'm nothing like him. I'm not fucking gay! And how dare he bring up Brittany. Was he meeting with her? Did she actually say the things that he said? God I am a loser. I can't be with her because of my career but I can't stop thinking of her. I miss her so damn much.
It scared Santana how much she missed her. The blonde had made herself a part of Santana's life in no time. It wasn't just about the sex or the physical attraction although that was brilliant. It was more, it was in the way Brittany would tilt her head and gaze at Santana, and just know what she was thinking, it was in the way she would take up for Santana in her own quirky way, or how a hug from her could literally make everything ok, how she would sometimes link their pinkies together and that small act made Santana feel anchored. It was so much more than what everyone saw, it was in the little things like Brittany's smile when it drizzled, or how she loved cats, or the sparkle in her eye if she was joking around, or the sultry smirks reserved for Santana, as she made her writhe and fall apart. Now that the blonde was gone, Santana actually felt a physical ache, a dull throbbing ache that filled the Brittany sized hole in her heart. A heavy feeling deep in her chest that refused to leave. She'd tried everything, booze, pills, partying, hooking up but it hadn't helped, hadn't changed the fact that her life was empty without Brittany. Without her smile, or her perfume or her excited giggles, or deadpan jokes. And then it hit her, the reason she felt so guilty, the reason she'd felt like shit all these days, like someone had sucked all the happiness right out of her heart even though professionally she was doing well. She was in love with Brittany. It wasn't just some silly crush, it wasn't just some mindless fuck, she was textbook head over heels in love with her. And the worst part was that the realization didn't make her feel any better, it just made her feel a whole lot worse.