Title: Stumble and Fall
Author: Avelynn Tame
Disclaimer: I do not own Gokusen.
Summary: A new teacher has arrived at Shirokin, and he's not bothering to hide his attraction to the homeroom teacher of a certain delinquent class. 3-D greet him with their usual kindness and warmth, but Yankumi is far more interested in the reaction of one Sawada Shin…
Author's Notes: OK, this chapter's a little shorter than the last one, but I'll make that up to you in the future. In the meantime, I have an important message (so important I needed to announce it in bold type): this is going to be the last T-rated chapter. As of Chapter Ten, this story will go up to 'M' rated. This is for strong language in future chapters. (Don't worry, it's not like there'll be a profanity every second word, but people are going to start swearing more. I apologise in advance if that might bother you, but I do feel it is both necessary and in-keeping with the manga.) I'll repeat this at the end in case I missed anyone.
Chapter Nine
The thing she hated herself for the most afterwards was not the fact that, at the back of her mind, a little voice sighed 'finally' as Shin's lips slid, hot and wet, against hers. No, the thing that would later cause her more than just a little mental anguish and self-loathing was the fact that rather than pushing him away immediately, as she should have done… she fisted her hands in his shirt and kissed him back.
For a second, he seemed to freeze – and then he was pulling her close to him, his arms curling around her body so tightly that she wondered if he ever planned to let her go.
His tongue brushed against her lips, and she stifled a moan –
Somewhere inside the house, a door slammed loudly; they heard Tetsu curse, and Minoru's muffled response. Silence fell once again.
They had broken apart quickly at the noise; now, Kumiko met Shin's eyes – dark with something heavy and primal that she couldn't recognise – and stepped back from him, her arms dropping to her sides.
The realisation of what she had done felt like a brutal kick to the stomach. She clapped a hand to her mouth and looked away. "Oh, my God," she muttered.
"Yamaguchi –"
"I – I shouldn't have done that," she mumbled. "I'm sorry." She turned to go back inside. "I think it would be best if you went home now, Sawada."
She could almost hear him flinch at such an impersonal form of address.
"I'll see you at school tomorrow," she added as she pushed the door open. She didn't wait to hear his reply before she went indoors, moving briskly through the living room and down the long corridor leading to her room.
She barricaded herself inside, locking the door and pressing her back against it, sliding down to the floor.
She drew her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. All she could hear was the sound of her own ragged breathing. What she had done – what she had barely even questioned doing… was worse than wrong.
It was completely and utterly unforgivable.
And she had no way to take it back.
Shin didn't come into school the next day.
He probably hadn't forgiven her, she thought sadly. And how could she blame him?
He had kissed her – but she had let him. And then run away. When had she ever run away from her problems? She should have stayed and talked it out with him.
But her feelings had been in turmoil then, as they still were now. If she had stayed, would they have kissed again? Would it have gone further? She just didn't know.
Either way, she had really messed things up this time.
To become attracted to a student… she had never thought she would be that kind of teacher.
If she were honest, she would say that she was glad that Shin hadn't come into school. Because she didn't think she would have been able to face him if he had.
The weekend passed.
The guilt didn't. The confusion didn't.
She wanted to ask her grandfather for advice, but every time she tried, the words wouldn't come. How could she admit that she had inappropriate feelings for one of her students? For everything that her family did – all the less-than-legal activities she knew they were involved in – she felt like this was somehow worse than all of that.
She was supposed to be responsible for him – to act as a parent while he was under her care. In loco parentis, as it said in the school brochure.
She almost laughed. What kind of parent would feel this way about their child?
Except, of course, he was most definitely not her child.
Shin had been almost like a friend and confidante for so long – someone she could talk to easily, and feel comfortable with. Someone she hadn't minded coming home to. When had she started to see him as more than that? When had she first looked at him and realised that he was very tall, and very attractive, and very much a man – not at all like the boy she had met more than a year ago.
On Monday, she feigned a headache and asked Maruyama to take the register for 3-D. When he returned it, she flipped it open and scanned the list of names.
Her heart sank.
Shin was in school today.
Her head was in a state of chaos for most of the day; she managed to get through her lessons with other classes on autopilot, delegating a lot of the work to Maruyama while she spent her time with individual students who needed extra help. This was exactly why she liked mathematics, she decided as she pointed out a mistake to Saegusa, one of her 2-C students. It was logical. It made sense. There were rules and formulae; wrong was wrong, and right was right.
If you made a mistake, you went back, and you fixed it, and you got the correct answer in the end.
Not like my mistake, she thought, suppressing a sigh, then almost hit herself on the head as punishment for her bout of self-pity.
The thought of having to look Shin in the eye after what had happened made her feel anxious and queasy. The knot in her stomach grew bigger and bigger throughout the day, and when it was finally time for Monday's last class – 3-D – she chickened out.
"You're ready," she told Maruyama. "You can teach 3-D by yourself."
"Really?" he looked unconvinced. "Because… they don't seem to like me much."
"Oh, no," she said hastily. "That's just their manner. They do like you, I'm sure of it. You'll see."
So off he went. And she felt like the world's biggest coward.
She thought she had got away with it – for Monday, at least – but Maruyama returned to the staff room earlier than expected, looking deeply troubled and upset. "It was…" he shook his head, unable to get the words out. "I can't go back there. Please, Kumiko-san, will you go and take the register?"
She blinked, startled. "What happened?"
But he refused to say.
And so it was that, with a sense of doom hanging over her head, she made her way to 3-D.
The noise inside was incredible. She was sure they'd never been as loud with her.
She pushed the door open. "All right, quiet down!" she yelled. "Come on, let me do this and then we can all go home." She chanced a quick look at the back of the class.
Shin's seat was empty.
A mixture of relief and worry twisted her gut. He must have gone home early.
"Oi, Yankumi," said Uchi, sounding annoyed. "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Yeah!" Minami agreed. "That guy's bad enough when it's the two of you, but on his own…?"
She gave them a pained look. "I don't know what your problem with him is, but you need to get over it. Part of Maruyama-sensei's training involves leading classes by himself, that's just the way it is." She scanned the list of names, her pen moving quickly as she filled the squares with lines or circles to indicate whether they were present or absent. "Okay, we're done. You can go."
If she hadn't looked up at that very moment, she would have missed it. In the split-second before everyone got up and started moving around the room, she caught sight of Shin's bag, tucked underneath his desk.
He's still here, she realised.
And instantly, she shook off the last of her fear and cowardice. Here was her opportunity. It was time to make things right – no more running away, no more avoidance tactics.
And she knew exactly where she would find him.
At first she thought he was asleep; he was lying back on the bench, one arm hanging down towards the floor, the other draped across his stomach.
She hovered tentatively in the doorway, wondering whether to wake him or not.
He opened his eyes and stared darkly at her. "Are you done avoiding me, then?"
Her heart pounded faster and she swallowed. "I'm sorry."
He sat up, not taking his eyes off her for a second. "What are you sorry for?"
To some it might have sounded like he was being kind, letting her off. But she heard the subtle intonation – he was actually asking. And from the tense set of his shoulders and the thin, grim line of his mouth, she felt as though a lot depended on her answer.
She stepped fully out onto the roof, letting the door shut behind her. "I shouldn't have kissed you –" she began.
He was on his feet before she realised it, making quick, long strides towards her.
"– I shouldn't have run away," she continued bravely, "and I shouldn't have avoided you afterwards."
His palms slammed against the wall on either side of her. "Why are you doing this?" he asked through gritted teeth. "Why do you always do this? None of this is your fault. Who was the one who kissed you? Me!"
"But I didn't stop you!" she yelled.
The look in his eyes changed. "No. You didn't."
"And I – I should have stayed, and talked things out," she rambled, trying valiantly to ignore the way he was standing so close, his breath whispering against her hair. "So… I'm sorry."
She glanced up at him, and her heart leapt into her throat.
His face was right in front of hers. She was staring directly into his eyes – and she had no idea what he was thinking.
Or what he was going to do.
Mainly, Shin wanted to kiss her. That or throttle her.
But the way she was talking now – all of this self-blame that was messing up her head – if he kissed her, she'd probably push him away, if not punch him in the face.
Instead, he said, "You shouldn't have walked away. And you definitely shouldn't have sent Maruyama to take the class just because you wanted to avoid me."
Her shoulders slumped, and he had to resist the urge to pull her close to him. He hated seeing her so downcast – especially if he was the cause. "Wait," she said suddenly, "you were there? In Maruyama-sensei's class?"
Shin remembered seeing that guy walk into the room alone; remembered thinking that this was the guy who had wheedled his way into a date with Yamaguchi, and remembered the white-hot fury that had laced through his veins, making his blood boil.
He glared at her. "Yes, I was there," he snapped irritably. "I left after ten minutes. That guy's hopeless. What were you thinking, putting him in a room with us? He didn't even try to control them."
She snorted. "No-one controls 3-D – you know that."
"You can," he admitted reluctantly. "They'll listen to you."
"Hardly," she muttered.
There was an awkward pause. They still hadn't discussed the burning issue, and they both knew it.
"Look," he said eventually, not liking how quiet his voice had become, "if you don't feel the same way, you could have just said. You didn't have to run off and avoid me like that."
She blinked, taken aback. "I – you –" she spluttered incoherently. "Feel the – how – don't – what?"
He watched her, a strange feeling beginning to unfold in his chest. "Yankumi," he said carefully, "do you feel the same way?"
She folded her arms across her chest protectively, shrinking back against the wall. "I – that is – well, what do you mean, exactly? How do you feel?"
He could see the colour creeping up her neck. He was starting to feel uncomfortably warm himself; he hoped it didn't show. "I'm in love with you," he said as simply as he could.
She stared at him, her cheeks now stained a deep red, lips parted with shock.
"So," he pressed, "do you?"
Her eyes dropped to the floor. "I – as a teacher, I have to – I mean – "
He grabbed her arm. "Yankumi," he bit out forcefully, almost trembling with anticipation, the idea of 'what if what if what if' reverberating inside his head. "Just say it."
"I don't know," was her quiet response. "I don't know how I feel. I thought I did, and then –" She trailed off, giving him a look of such confusion and desperation that something twisted painfully in his gut.
He lifted a hand to her face. His fingers traced the line of her jaw.
Distantly, dimly, he heard Kuma's voice calling his name.
"He's going to come up here," she said thickly.
"I don't care," he muttered, wondering how close she would let him get this time. His head dipped and he let his forehead come to rest against hers.
Her arms unfolded; her unsteady hands reached out, landing on his shoulders, and she…
Pushed him away.
"It'll cause trouble for both of us if he finds us," she said softly. "You should leave first."
He opened his mouth to protest, but the look in her eyes made him shut it again. His head felt pleasantly light as he realised – she wasn't sending him away because she wanted to…
"We'll talk another time," she promised.
He knew she meant it. That was the only reason he was able to step back from her and walk away. He barely heard his own footsteps on the stairs as he went to find Kuma; his head was filled with the memory of her breath on his face, the heat of her skin next to his hand, the way she had unconsciously shut her eyes before she had pushed him away.
He would have kissed her, and he thought she probably would have let him.
He stopped at the bottom of the stairs, fighting to keep the frustrated groan down. He was sick of being interrupted, sick of not being able to do a damn thing without worrying about being caught.
"Shin!" Kuma's voice was nearer this time.
Shin sighed. He'd waited this long, he supposed. It was just a matter of being patient.
Provided, he thought moodily, that I don't go insane first.
Author's Notes: Ooh, I should do a fic in which Shin does go insane. That could be interesting.
As I said above – the rating will go UP in the next chapter to 'M'. I'm warning you now so you can adjust the filter when you check the Gokusen category. On a totally separate note: who has seen/read Goong? I devoured what there is of the manga this weekend and now I'm onto the drama. I swear to god, if Chae-kyung doesn't kick Shin's ass soon, I will explode.
Have a good week!