Keep it safe.

I only had four days left in Forks and I needed to spend my time scrupulously. On Monday I went to the station with Charlie to say hello to some of his friends and let him show me off to the office. That night I made dinner with Sue at her house and joked with Seth about his performance on Sunday. Scouts were there and I thought I caught a glimpse of scarlet and gold, along with the colors of UW, Ohio State, and Texas. I was impressed by the turnout that he brought and wondered just how long he could keep up the ruse of being a 'naturally' gifted athlete

When I told him this he laughed in my face and flexed his biceps before me.

"Bella I'm as natural as they come—it's in my genes!"

I shoved him away in playful disgust. "Seth, no one else can phase into an eighteen foot-long wolf," I hissed when Charlie was out of ear-shot. "You may be genetically advanced but that doesn't make you normal."

"Who wants to be normal?" he challenged with a smirk.

I laughed at him. "Don't say it like it's a mental condition. Normal is what I am."

Seth grabbed me around the shoulders and grinned at me. "That's right, you're our normal, special friend."

I punched him in the stomach and immediately regretted it. Stupid werewolves and their stupid indestructible bodies.

On Tuesday I spent the morning cleaning my room and packing up what little I could so that if Charlie ever thought of moving or turning it into a second office (although I had no idea what he would do with an office) he wouldn't have to work too hard.

As I picked through my belongings and threw away what I could, I stumbled upon a small shoe box shoved unceremoniously beneath a pile of old sweaters in my closet. I dug it out and went to my bed to inspect the contents. It looked familiar, but it didn't seem like something belonging to me. Maybe Charlie's old fishing tools? No, he had a tackle box for that—and a garage full of odds and ends that I would never be able to name. I turned the box over—it was for a pair of trainers that were a size twelve.

Oh no. My stomach dropped when I realized what I held.

I steeled myself and lifted the cover to reveal photos, tickets, letters, and various other memorabilia that all belonged to my time with Jacob. I sifted through the pictures, each smiling face and loving embrace like a slash to my soul. Here, Jacob and I were at Lake Washington. Another of us standing arm in arm in my freshman dorm room. Another at Billy's house with a full Thanksgiving dinner—my first after a few months at school. I couldn't hold back the tears that slid down my cheeks at the memories that mocked me. The contents of the box looked as if they'd been thrown in there, with no order and no reason to the inglorious shuffling of the pieces of my heart. It felt like that to me, too. As if all I'd done was shove my feelings away in a box and hide it somewhere that I thought I would never look.

Now that I was home again, I couldn't keep the feelings packed neatly away in some hidden crevice. It was all there, the living breathing flesh of what I tried so hard to suppress.

I allowed the tears to come fast and steady as I held the box and cursed myself for my stupidity. How did I ever let it get to this point? How did I just throw everything that Jacob had ever given me in his face after he so lovingly pieced me back together? Edward was a distant twinge in my memory, a scar that didn't heal quite right—but it was a healed scar. And only because Jacob had put the sutures in. It was Jacob who hugged away the pain, Jacob who warmed me when I felt dead and cold.

And then in a show of gratitude—what I thought was an act of mercy—I pushed him away. I was afraid and confused; guilt ridden for thinking that my poor, battered heart couldn't give him the love that he deserved. At the same time, I was so scared of losing him to something that I couldn't fight and couldn't predict.

So I gave up on him. I told myself that leaving Jake would be the best option for both of us. Because then he could be open to finding his imprint, his soul mate. That one person who was meant for him, and whom he was designed for in completion.

It was self-preservation in the guise of selflessness. I fled to California, thinking that by severing the ties that connected us, by cutting out Charlie, the pack, my mother, Forks, I would be able to move on with my crippled life and he would find happiness in the person that he was truly meant to love.

But after seeing Jacob, I realized how wrong I was.

In retrospect, my reasoning was truly despicable. And if self-preservation was the ultimate goal, I was stupid to think that pushing Jake away would help. Because somewhere down the line, the operation didn't go as planned. No matter how far I ran or how hard I tried to forget or how I desperately pretended that everything was okay, Jacob was the only thing left in me. Edward might have taken some of my highly impressionable teenage heart with him, but Jake…I realized now that Jake always had not just my heart, but my entire soul. It was there in his eyes, as clouded and hard as they were. It was there in the pull that I felt whenever he was around. It was in there in his warmth and his love for his family and everything good that he represented.

It was in the fact that nothing—not even my house—felt more like home to me than Jacob, himself.

My chest ached from unleashed sobs. I set the contents of the box neatly back into place and tucked it beneath my arm. I was going to talk to him. Today. Leah was right, I owed him an explanation at the very least.

And maybe, just maybe, if I ever did anything good or worthy of return in my short life, he would forgive me for what I did.

I sped to Jacob's house, my rental car so much faster than the truck that still hid beneath the blue tarpaulin. That mystery nagged me at the back of my mind and I made a point to settle it with Charlie later that night. I aimed my car down the hill to the Black's property and found that Jacob's large truck was parked in the dirt lot that extended from his garage. As I cut the engine I took in the changes that transformed the small red house from a kind, familiar face to something new and forbidding. Beside Jake's large truck were a small, svelte sports car that looked old and well cared for, along with a bike that was bigger and faster looking than the scrap metal we used to ride. The most incredible change was the new addition to the property that extended out from the brook beyond Jake's window. It was plain and quaint, a cross between a small barn and a cottage with large windows facing the east and a porch that wrapped around the back end of it that overlooked the sloping hillside and Pacific Ocean below. I sat in my car for a few minutes just taking in the scene both new and old, wondering what else had happened since I left Forks.

I got out and dragged my feet to the front door, the shoe box clasped in my hands acting as both a peace offering and a shield. I didn't know what I was going to say. Every meeting with Jake was so charged and clouded with emotion that I couldn't be sure that I wouldn't end up fleeing the scene like I had the past two times. I knocked softly on the front door and waited with my heart in my throat.

"Coming," a female voice called from within. I heard laughter and giggling; my fingers dug into the cardboard.

Oh no….oh please no. Did Jake already find someone? I bit my lip and shifted my weight from one foot to the other.

I let out a sigh of relief when I saw who answered the door.

"Rachael!"

"…Bella," she responded hesitantly, tying up her long dark hair into a bun. She looked slightly red in the cheeks as if she had been bustling around the house. "Are you…what brings you here?"

"I-I came over to…."

Suddenly Paul came up from behind to wrap his arms around Rachael's waist. She giggled up at him and leaned back. My jaw dropped.

"Paul?"

The temperamental wolf flashed me a bright grin and winked at me. "Nice to see you again, Bella. Glad you worked up the balls to come over. I knew you had it in you somewhere."

"Paul," Rachael admonished him gently.

He chuckled and brought her into his chest by draping his arms over her. Rachael smiled shyly and clasped his wrists, holding him to her while Paul tucked her even closer with his chin. I winced—nothing worse than seeing a happy couple on a day when I had to face an ex. I wondered if Jake knew about this.

I realized that I was staring and that they were both waiting for me to say something. "Um…"

"Looking for Jake?" asked Paul, cocking an eyebrow at me.

"Uh…yeah," I supplied, lamely. I truly had a way with words.

"He's in the workshop—but try not to piss him off too much. I have to speak with him after."

I nodded and excused myself from their starry-eyed presence. What happened in the three years I was away? Paul liked girls? Rachael—whom I remembered from childhood, who went away to college to escape the reservation--was with a pack member? Christ. There was just too much to try to keep up with.

I stumbled along the outskirts of the house until I was at the plain barn-like extension nearer to the side of Jake's bedroom. I chanced a look in through his tiny window, thinking of all the times that I spent napping, cuddling, sleeping, and…not sleeping in there. I felt a stirring warmth between my legs at the thought of some of our more heated moments and had to quickly snap myself out of it before the scent became noticeable to Jake. As a wolf, he was sensitive to everything. He used to say that if I so much as thought of sex, he would smell it and find me. And he always did.

I sucked in a few calming breaths when I reached the front of the addition and braced myself for whatever was coming. I had no idea what I was going to say. All that I was armed with was a box of happier times and an apology. If that wasn't enough…Well, I would cross that bridge when I got there.

I braced myself and rapped on the wooden door four times. I chewed my lip nervously when I heard the sound of something heavy being set down and the the latch on the door being thrown.

"Quil, for fuck's sake I told you not today--" Jacob began to growl as he poked his head out the door. The words died on his lips as his eyes found me.

At first he was so shocked to see me that he slipped up. The hard expression—Sam's expression—that I thought had been etched into his features fell briefly, allowing me to see the old Jacob that I knew and loved. I faltered too, the sight of his familiar face hitting me harder than I could have anticipated. His eyes were wide in surprise, his mouth still half-open from his previous sentence. I drank him in--my Jacob's face--hungrily like I was taking my first desperate breath after being submerged for far too long.

But just as soon as he revealed himself—his old self—the mask was back and he was locked away behind a cold, unreachable wall.

He wedged his body in the narrow opening of the doorway and glared at me with guarded eyes. His expressions was lightly confused but no more or less troubled than if he found a work tool out of place when it should have been put in a tool box. I hugged my shoebox of memories to my chest and stammered an unintelligible hello.

Jake leaned forward slightly. "What did you say?"

I cleared my throat and looked down. I tried again. "Hi Jake."

His eyes darted beyond me to the house and then back to my face. "Bella, what are you doing here?"

So much for formalities. "I need to talk to you."

Jake appraised me for a long, hard second. Then he crossed his bronzed arms over his bare chest and lifted his chin in the same stance he'd taken on the night of Sue and Charlie's wedding. I was ready for it this time, and I wouldn't run away. If this was all he was going to give me, I deserved it.

"All right," he said, his words clipped. "Talk."

"I…" I chanced a look over his shoulder into the workshop where it seemed a little more private than standing out in the open in his backyard. "Is there somewhere we can go?"

"This not good enough for you?"

I forced myself not to squirm beneath his penetrating stare. "No, no…um. This is fine."

Jacob waited with the same slightly confused expression on his face as I screamed at my brain to function. It distracted the hell out of me. I couldn't think of the right words to begin with while he stared me down. Everything sounded trite or cliché or flippant. I loosened my tongue and prayed that what came out wasn't going to make me want to fling myself off a cliff.

"Jacob…I'm an idiot," I sighed in defeat.

I guess that was okay. If I couldn't sound eloquent, I could at least be honest.

He appeared to think about this for a second. "Is that so?"

I nodded solemnly. "Yeah. It is."

"Okay…well tell me about it."

Jake tilted his head slightly and I could see the muscles in his jaw flex. I wasn't sure if he was willing to hear me out. He didn't look any more receptive than he'd been the other night, the only difference being he wasn't poised to phase, nor was he yelling at me to go away. I took this as a good sign and continued.

"I…used you. And I'm terrible. And I never should have left you."

"Yup."

I frowned at him but continued anyway. If this was how my apology was going to go, at least I wasn't running away from him. Yet.

"…And I think about it all the time."

"Uh-huh."

"It's the reason that I never come back to Forks—"

"Right."

"And I just want to say that I'm sorry…?" I finished on a higher note. What was he doing?

"Okay."

I stared at him in utter confusion.

"Jacob do you hear anything that I'm saying?"

"Of course I do, Bella," he responded mildly, shoving his hands in his pockets and rocking back on his heels. "I'm right here."

I gasped at his coldness. "Jacob what's wrong with you? I'm trying to apologize. I want to explain what happened…but…but if you're just going to brush off everything that I have to say—"

He shook his head and cut me off. "I heard you, Bella. It's fine. Apology accepted." He took a step back into the shop and reached to pull the door shut.

I slapped my hand to the wood and held it still. Jake's eyes flicked to where my fingers curled around the door and then back to me, surprise written across his features. I was a little shocked myself. Jake could have easily slammed the door in my face with my hand still attached to it, crushed between the frame, but he let me hold it open.

"'Apology accepted'?" I cried as he regarded me with narrowed eyes. "Come on Jake, you're not even trying—"

He grimaced. "You're right, Bells. And I don't know why you're trying either. Seems like you stopped trying a long time ago."

I ripped the door away from him--again he let me--but his massive body still denied me entrance. "Don't you dare say that! How can you think that I didn't try?"

Jake let out a harsh laugh. "Could've fooled me."

"I tried all the goddamn time!" I cried, raising my voice. "I wanted you Jake—it was just…it was just complicated."

That seemed to trigger something in him. Finally—I thought. His eyebrows snapped together and his face became clouded.

"Is that right? You wanted me?"

"Of course, that's exactly what I felt." Feel. Present tense.

"Well who ended it?" he asked, his words cutting like a whip. Jake's eyes were ablaze now. His face was filled with dark emotion. It was bitter and spiteful and angry. I had never witnessed this side of Jake until today—it was my fault that it came out. Even now, I couldn't fully blame him for the pain that he was inflicting—if anything it was well deserved.

"Tell me, Bella. Who said that we were over?"

I felt hot tears rise up in me. I wanted to let Jacob have his anger, but I couldn't stop the frustration and hurt from taking over.

The words came out before I knew what I was saying.

"You did," I cried, clutching the shoebox to my chest like a stuffed toy. I held his eyes with mine even when I felt the water overflow.

"You did. Because she's out there and you'll find her one day. And then we're done." I whispered brokenly. "And then I'm done."

I knew that he could hear everything I said even though my voice trembled and cut off at certain points. I let the tears come down now, hot and much too easily. My earlier crying episode, which I allowed myself to do thinking that it would make me stronger now, only served to warm up the water works.

"I can't believe you're still on that," he breathed, incredulous. In one fluid motion Jacob brushed past me and slammed the workshop door shut behind him. I followed.

"How can I not be?" I pleaded, trying to keep up with him though I could barely see where I was going. "You know one day that's the only thing that will tear us apart—"

"No," Jake growled, abruptly stopping to face me. "You tore us apart—remember? You're the one who wanted to end it! Not me!"

"Yeah, and then what?" I found myself spitting back at him. "And then when you find her what am I supposed to do? You think that I can live through giving you up to someone else?"

"Bella, that's not--It isn't--" Jacob shook his head when he couldn't find the words. He took a deep breath and reached for his hair. I blinked away the sight of his taught abdominal muscles running like a lattice down his front. "You never understood how I felt about you. You still don't understand, do you?"

"What are you talking about?" I cried angrily.

Jacob let out a frustrated snarl and walked in a tight circle away from me, like a wolf turning in his cage. I stayed put, watching him heave and flex. Despite our argument I could still appreciate the way that his body fit so perfectly together, how his broad chest sloped upwards into heavy shoulders and tapered down to his hard waist. Then Jake paused, as if taking a moment to think. He suddenly fixed me with a stony gaze and stalked towards me.

"Bella," he said in a much calmer and deadly voice than I thought possible. I lost some of my composure and I'm sure fear leaked into my eyes.

"If you ever loved me—ever. I need you to leave. Now." He let his hands drop from his head and pointed towards the road. "Leave. Don't come back and don't call me. I thought that you hurt me once when you left, but hearing this load of horse shit is worse than I ever imagined. Leave."

My heart stopped beating. I felt a cold vein of dread and desolation strike through me, spreading from my core to my limbs to my fingertips and toes. It sucked the wind out of me and dried up my tears. It was as if Jacob's words stole every warm memory from my body. He took it all back to him, back to where it came from.

I slowly relinquished the shoebox now dented with little crescents from my fingernails and set it down on the grass. I didn't want to touch it, to see it, to even know it existed anymore. The absolute loathing that I heard in his voice erased every happy memory that might have been in there.

"Bye Jake," I said mechanically. I took the first few steps away from him slowly, feeling as if I were moving through thick, viscous air.

And then I was running. I pulled out and away from his driveway and began to lose track of time and space. My body operated on auto pilot while my mind fell into a black abyss, where everything was cold, empty, endless—like the look in his eyes.

I was back in my house. I was curled up in bed. I heard Charlie come home and then go back out again. I didn't hear his return for a while and I realized that he told me that morning that he was going to Sue's for the night. He must have seen me lying down and thought I was sleeping.

I might as well be sleeping. Nothing touched me.

Let me know if there are any inconsistencies and I'll try to keep a better eye out for things in the future.