Weavings
A/N I do not own TMNT, but am forever grateful for their existence! I was in the mood from serious angst so here we go, another chapter!
X.
He couldn't take much more of this. He needed to figure out a way to get them home.
Now.
Otherwise he was going to lose it. It was no longer a matter of if. It was now a matter of when.
Having them here when he had his head in check was hard enough. The last thing he needed was to lose it and have his family really realize what it was they were dealing with. Sure, his familiars could attest to it, but they never would. The Soul Collector's past outbursts did not leave his castle's denizens. The only non-soul collector who was aware of such breaches in his control was Zephyr. None of the other gods knew and it needed to stay that way.
Raphael wasn't an idiot. He knew how deeply the Nexus was tied to him. He had meant it when he told Michelangelo. The Soul Collector and the Nexus Gate were one in the same. That included the realm that held it and that especially included the castle. Anything that went on inside its walls Raphael knew of simply because it was inside of him. Alas, the same applied to the reverse: anything that happened to The Soul Collector, those dwelling in the castle felt as well.
Thus, as long as they remained in his immediate vicinity, his family would not be spared from his reach. For, there was an oh-so-critical little crutch of information Raphael had concealed from the mortal individuals who now plagued his heart. In fact, Raphael had never spoken of it to anyone – although he was sure Zephyr and his familiars suspected it.
Many years ago, in the beginning shortly after his transformation, Raphael had undoubtedly had difficulty gaining competent control over his divinity. However, back in those early days, such mistakes had been more of a result of inexperience as opposed to anything else. This was because the key to wielding the vast power of The Soul Collector was not due to Raphael himself, but his Retainers. Yes, having three beings excluding himself become immortal had been trying on the Tapestry of Fate, but it had not been a complete disaster. Having the Retainers had allowed Raphael to sequester some of his power to them, thereby allowing the newly formed god to not be the sole barer of such a tremendous burden. The way they had been bonded to him, Raphael's brothers had been able to unknowingly help channel the insane amplitude of energy that Raphael now was presently forced to hold alone.
The Herald had lied about many things, but he hadn't been wrong when he said that The Soul Collector's Retainers were critical to his ability to function. Consequently, the day Raphael transformed his brothers back into mortals, not only did he reabsorb their immortality into himself, but he had suddenly been jolted with far more spiritual energy than he could have ever possibly anticipated. Left with both the grief of parting with his formal life and utterly overwhelmed with power, the next several decades had been hell.
Miraculously, his familiars didn't hold it against him, but Raphael still loathed himself for all the pain and terror he had caused during that time. Constant tangible emotions – most often his fury – had tortured the lesser soul collectors for years. It was as though a ferocious cloud of wrath had befallen them all and with each new wave of loss, frustration, anger, revulsion – anything – the god literally sent ripples of electrifying energy through his followers. The worst part was, even when Raphael thought he had control over it, he didn't. He could lash out at anyone without warning, and as time continued to pass his denizens understandably fell into a constant state of anxiety, never knowing when the next wave would hit.
To this day, he was baffled as to why none of them had left. Early on, after a particularly brutal episode, Raphael even begged them to leave, releasing them from any and all bonds the previous Soul Collector had put on them. They had the ability. They had the choice. Yet even as the years dragged on, they stayed. They never left.
The familiars had helped. His discovery of Zephyr shortly after reading the tome in the library had helped. Finding Ala Os and Tenebris had helped. They had all patiently stood by him while he slowly but finally began to get his feet back under him. Still, if not for the miracle of finding the text illustrating how he could siphon off large chunks of his power into the Soul Nexus Gate, Raphael always had wondered if he would have ever be able to gain control on his own. And now, after several hundred years, he could barely begin to describe how much he struggled with even the slimmest of possibilities that he could once more become that wretched version of himself. It was almost as incomprehensible as to why, despite the god's obvious internal tumult, his familiars remained ever-loyal. Yet, deep down, Raphael suspected they always would be.
He could not understand it. He didn't deserve such sacrifice. He didn't deserve his brothers either.
Looking up at the towering twin doors leading to the library, The Soul Collector narrowed his eyes in determination. He needed to find a way to release his family. He refused to let them catch even a glimpse of the monster lurking so near the surface. Not even bothering to move the doors, Raphael simply teleported into the lofty space.
Thousands and thousands of shelves lined both gigantic levels with books stacked ceiling to floor. Despite the obvious demand for space, the center of the room remained open to both floors leaving a perfect view of the eternally spinning Soul Nexus Gate. Almost instantly after his appearance, two small familiars, one shaped much like an owl and the other like a fox were bowing before him. Nodding at their show of respect, Raphael questioned, "Any luck yet?"
"Nothing obvious my lord," the fox lowered her gaze to the stack of dusty old texts at her feet, "Although we did find several entries that you may find enlightening."
The owl hooted in agreement, but Raphael did not miss the bulky book clutched in its talons, "And you Nocte Lector?"
The addressed familiar nervously ruffled his shadowy plumage before jumping in the air to float his find into Raphael's hands, "I thought perhaps this may contain the answers you seek?" The Soul Collector didn't even have to open the book to know the reason behind the owl's unease. As the bird returned to his place beside his companion he peeped, "I mean no disrespect, my Lord."
"No," Raphael shook his head as his fingers tightened anxiously over the worn brown leather binding the parchment pages, "Don't worry about it," Sighing he turned to the fox, "Fumi Vulpes, would you take those up to my usual place on the second floor?"
"Of course my Lord." Fumi Vulpes gathered her cargo before continuing, "May I get my Lord Soul Collector anything else?"
"No I'm good; I'll meet you there in a minute." As the fox struck out a route to the nearest staircase, Raphael turned back to the still obviously concerned Nocte Lector, "Seriously, it's fine." He rubbed his hand over the back of his head feeling the comforting red fabric under his scales, "I really should look at it. I'm glad you thought to dig it up. Thanks."
Obviously relieved by The Soul Collector's praise, the owl flitted up onto the god's shoulder. Pleased by how his familiar had relaxed enough to resume his usual place on his shoulder whenever the turtle was in the library, Raphael gave several small rubs of Nocte Lector's neck feathers before disappearing again.
When they reappeared, Raphael was on the edge of his preferred corner of the library. It was more secluded and therefore quieter than the main space, but because it was away from the center, instead of having a clear view of the Soul Nexus Gate, there was a much better landscape of the world's endless starry sky. Plus, it was near one of the warm hearths and although Raphael no longer required external temperature control, he still preferred to have a warm glow on his skin. With a couch accompanying a small table and beanbag chairs, complete with soft area rug, Raphael could sit or sprawl as he chose.
That is, if Donatello had not been currently stretched out in the middle of his carpet.
Fumi Volpes was awaiting his arrival and evidently was at a loss as to where she should even place the books since Donatello had his own mountain of literature piled atop the space's sole table. More than a little miffed by his brother's intruding presence – albeit partially amplified by his current predicament – Raphael bluntly asked, "What are you doing?"
"Reading…" Glancing up from the book he had been so absorbed, Donatello took a second to realize who was standing before him, "What's it look like I'm…" The mortal turtle's words petered out before he abruptly sat up, "Oh. It's you." At Raphael's folded arms and raised eye ridge Donatello's eyes narrowed, "Are you going to steal my ability to learn now too?"
Both Fumi Volpes and Nocte Lector sucked in their breath. Raphael didn't blame them. They probably had never witnessed anyone talking to The Soul Collector like that. Raphael took a deep breath, "No. It was just a question." Forcing himself to take another breath he tried a different approach, "What are you reading anyway?"
"Uh…" Donatello suddenly began to pull the book closer, but the god was far quicker, "Hey!" The olive-green turtle fumed when said text was suddenly several feet away and in Raphael's lap as he plopped into a beanbag chair, "I was reading that!"
"Relax Donnie," Raphael tutted, "I just want to see."
The younger frowned from his place on the rug, "Only my brothers have ever called me that."
Between what was written on the book cover and his brother's words, Raphael couldn't help but feel the slightest of energy waves leak off his skin. His only saving grace was that he managed to temper it enough so that only his fellow soul collectors would feel it. Raphael's gut clenched in self-hatred as Nocte Lector tensed and Fumi Volpes dropped her cargo as her paws shook. Rising to his feet, he thrust the notebook back at the turtle on the floor, "Look, I got it. You think I'm a monster or at least a monstrous version of the brother you're reading about in there," He nodded at the journal's direction. ""Dear Diary, my brother Raphael is an ass. We'd all be better off without him. Donnie. Dear Diary, my brother Raphael has screwed up yet again. I swear sometimes I wish he weren't around at all. Don. Dear Diary, Raphael lost it again today. Geez what a nutcase. I wish he'd just move out already. Donatello." Yeah I know," his eyes met Donatello's, "It's not a word-for-word account but I know there are entries like those in there. I know you wrote them. I know how you felt," Raphael laughed darkly, "Hell it's probably exactly how you still feel. Well guess what? You're going to get your wish. I'm going to figure out a way to send you all back and then I'll be out of your lives for good. No more screw up Raph. No more asshole Raph. No more Raphael!"
"Hang on!" Donatello was now on his feet as well, "Those aren't the only entries in there!"
"No, but I know which ones matter!"
His fists bunched at his sides and his eyes were burning and even worse, he could feel another wave building again. "No, apparently you don't!"
"You just disowned me. I'm pretty sure that translates to the I-hate-you version."
"No, it translates to the I-want-my-brother-back version!" Raphael's words died. "The brother who calls me Donnie and teases me and gets on my shell –" frankly, he was too busy staring at the olive-green hand wrapped tightly around his bicep "– That annoying, irritating brother –" the same hand that suddenly had a partner in crime on Raphael's other arm "– who always had my back –" both of which were now a pair of arms wrapping around shell "– and still hopefully does." The taller turtle placed his chin on Raphael's shoulder, "Don't you get it? You're my brother, and if you're anything like the turtle in my journal, I want you back more than anything."
It was too much, "Please let go of me, Donatello."
The addressed turtle pulled away and Raphael did not miss the twitch of his brother's limbs as they relaxed from the pain of touching him, "Raphael…"
He shook his head, "No… You're the one who doesn't understand. I can't be your brother anymore."
Huge chocolate eyes full of confusion nearly melted him on the spot, "Why not?"
Raphael couldn't look at those hurt brown eyes any longer, "I just can't."
He vanished from sight. Fleeing again. Always running. Never far enough away.
A/N And the plot thickens! Thanks for reading guys!
To my lovely reviewers:
Gwydion: Only one chapter this round, but I'm so pleased you liked the last two. I had chapter 9 in rough draft pretty much since the summer and I was so happy to finally get a chance to turn it into something that actually made sense XD Plus, I admit I was kind of psyched to finally give you some lovely Raph and Mikey time. It's also reviews like these that make me glad you take such time to analyze them. I hadn't noticed that tidbit of "Donnie and Leo love to use their words as weapons" until you pointed it out. I mean the concept was ticking in the back of my head, but I wasn't consciously trying to be like, "How can I show the guys' relationship is different without Raphael?" Makes for some good future chapters ;)
Guest: Thank-you! I have to same sometimes it's a little difficult working with such a plot – I do a lot of ruminating for this thing compared to my other fics – but I'm quite pleased as to where it's heading. What you mentioned is also kind of why I got into writing ff in the first place. I had all these ideas for stories and thought, "someone must have done something like this," but that wasn't the case at all! Then the more I looked and found a lack of said stuff the more I wanted to get writing. Plus, although there's a lot of details to keep track of, I love playing around with the worlds I create :)
flikaroo: I miss Zephyr too! Don't worry I'm not done with him yet, I just haven't had a chance to bring him back yet. I know though. It's getting harder to write the chapters especially now that I've got a rough draft (a real rough one it'll be months till this thing is done) to the end complete, and now know what things await my characters… And that's all I'm gonna say about that lol. Thanks for the lovely review!