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Current Book: The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger
Current Fanfiction: "Clipped Wings and Inked Armor" by hunterhunting (it's absolutely brilliant!)
Current TV Show: True Blood. (I'm flippin' hooked.)
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The Wise Words of the Feelings Sponge
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Present Day
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EPOV
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Over the course of my many years, I think today has made everything the most clear.
Before the change, my life was a simple existence. My father worked to provide for my mother and I, spending his mornings and afternoons in the office and his evenings with us. My mother spent her days acting like the proper American wife, keeping the house spotless and baking cookies for the neighbors.
Meanwhile, I went to school, practiced the piano, and spent my evenings playing baseball with the local kids.
On Christmas there were presents beneath the tree.
On my father's days off, we would spend the day together, going to games or playing cards.
I never wanted for anything.
When we all got sick, it was the first time something really bad ever happened to me. Dad left us first, passing on without my knowledge. I was gone to the delirium at that point, and my mother didn't think it prudent to tell me I no longer had a father.
When I woke up with new eyes I was different, confused, and unknowingly an orphan.
Carlisle did everything he could to make my transition from human to vampire a more comfortable experience.
I never made anything easy on him. I hated him initially for not allowing me to die, as I should have. I placed blame on him for virtually everything: when I slipped up and killed my first human; when I was forced under house arrest, too much of a danger to myself and the rest of the population.
Obviously he did everything to make it easier: gave me books, taught me how to drive, and even gave me space when he felt like I was smothered. He took my insults and resentment, never once speaking poorly of me to my face or behind my back.
When Esme came along, my conflictions grew tenfold. When I got all the attention I sneered at Carlisle, unhappy to even look at his face. On the few days where I didn't allow my childish, adolescent emotions rule me; we played chess or he helped me understand Calculus. Then he brought a woman into the house, a woman he loved wholeheartedly. Suddenly the attention was no longer on me and I immediately wished to have it back.
I wasn't so selfish in not feeling joy in Carlisle having met someone. My companion (I had yet to dub him as a father yet) deserved love, particularly with someone as beautiful inside and out as Esme.
But I felt abandoned.
I felt lonely.
While they were off experiencing the joys of intimacy for the first time, I wallowed in my self-pity and misery, my bitterness growing with each passing day. Carlisle recognized it one evening, after I casually suggested I finally take off on my own. He begged me to stay, offered me everything to do – even so much as willing to forego his nightly rendezvous' with his wife. Naturally his pleas had a damn near pious effect, and I stayed.
I stayed for a while.
I stayed for six years, until 1927, when I decided to experience another form of life. Giving into my vampire nature did not immediately come to me like I envisioned. The smell naturally drew me to people, but after nine years of abstaining human blood, my instinct was surprisingly thwarted before I took my first gulp.
The first man was attempting to rape a young girl around nine in the evening. She couldn't have been more than fourteen, only three years younger than my human age. I saw the fright in her eyes, heard the terror in her mind. When I pulled the man off her, I viciously shoved him into a brick wall and effectively shattered his collarbone.
When I turned my eyes on the girl, which still burned a crisp amber gold, I growled, "Go, girl. Run!"
Without a second thought, she pushed herself off the wall and raced down the alleyway. Once she cleared my line of sight, I turned back to the whimpering man at my feet. His howls of pain didn't disgust me nor did I feel an ounce of remorse.
"Please," he begged, clutching his arm close to his chest, rolling beside my boot.
I never spoke.
I never spoke to any of them.
I felt it was more malicious that way, letting them die in silence. To allow them the opportunity to speak with another, even their executioner, felt too good for any of them.
The first man died screaming for help.
He begged for mercy, pleaded with me to not kill him. After four minutes with me, he was pleading for death.
I granted it.
I turned into a vicious animal, a savage amongst men, claiming victim after victim. I always went for the worst of beasts: murderers, rapists, kidnappers; but even so, they were human beings and I chose to play God.
I played God for roughly five years, until 1931.
I can remember every scream.
I can remember each pairs of eyes (or in the case of one man, his one eye. The idiot chose to attack a young coed on Halloween night dressed a pirate. As he lured her behind the art building of her college, he immediately set out to rape her before slaughtering her. I managed to cut him off directly after he managed to rip the sleeve off her Tinkerbell costume. His eye-patch obscured his left eye, but I'm fairly confident his right eye took in my pretty teeth before I drank from him).
The remorse I steadily grew to feel stemmed from the two individuals I left behind. The people I killed were nothing more than a fleeting thought, an off-color stain on my once clean record. They no more bothered me than the deer I used to slaughter. I felt guilt for disappointing my creator, my best friend.
Dare I have the nerve to call him this: my father.
Carlisle always had been such a noble and honest creature. A loving being I could only strive to make proud. Surely my actions crippled any chance of ever giving him a reason to feel pride over me.
And my dear Esme.
The woman came into this life with the grace of a swan. She handled her new life well, immediately comforting Carlisle as he handled the guilt of giving into the temptation to create yet another companion.
She comforted him!
Those two people offered more to the world than anyone would ever know.
And me?
I plagued the world.
It took releasing the corpse of a young male thief for it to finally hit me. What was I doing? Was I really playing God?
I could not allow myself to continue on this way of life.
Sucking up much of my pride, I returned to Wisconsin to my family.
It didn't take me long to find the actual location of their quaint home, Carlisle's reputation as the town's wonder doctor making him a mini-celebrity. After spending a few minutes amongst the hospital staff, asking a few questions, and plucking thoughts from their heads, I made my way to the outskirts of town to find a modest brick home with a wide porch.
For four days I watched Carlisle and Esme through the windows of the home and their modest porch, where Esme gave him a goodbye kiss in the morning and a welcome home kiss in the evening.
They looked perfect together.
It left in an ache in my chest, making me question whether or not they even needed a son.
It was on the fourth day when I finally tuned into their thoughts. I first caught Esme's as she rose from the couch, prepared to put away her sketches in order to snuggle up with Carlisle. Uneager to hear carnal thoughts about my father, I wanted to shut my mind off when a stray thought barreled toward me…
I miss Edward.
Three words instantly had me on the ground, racing to the door at inhuman speed. Thankfully, due to the late hour, all neighbors were in their homes with the blinds closed, giving me ample time to calm myself before knocking.
After one hundred and forty-seven seconds, I finally knocked, praying for her stray thought to hold truth.
After twelve seconds, ample length for a human to reach the door, Carlisle guarding our secret even in the privacy of his own home, the door swung open.
Neither of us moved, just continued to stare for a long while. His mind surprisingly blank, unusual for my normally insightful father. I nearly bolted when he suddenly threw his arms around my neck, hugging me close and repeating aloud, "Thank you, Lord. Thank you, Lord. Thank you…"
At a loss, I returned his hug, taking in the smell of antiseptic from the hospital along with his own innate cologne.
Esme rushed down the stairs, pushing Carlisle out of the way to reach me, making him laugh deeply at her outward joy. She hugged me close, placing motherly kisses everywhere she could reach: my forehead, my eyes, and my cheeks.
It didn't matter I left them. It didn't matter I did horrible things. It didn't matter I hurt them more than I ever meant to.
According to Esme, all that mattered was, "You're home! Thank goodness, you're home and safe."
And so I remained within their circle, accepted once again as a Cullen.
Years went on.
Eventually Rosalie became a member of our coven, the beautiful blonde thrust upon me like some animal. Even with the greatest of intentions, Carlisle managed to cause more damage than good. Aside from the obvious disdain at her current situation, Rosalie was a naturally tenacious individual so…
Let's face it: living with her pre-Emmett was a living hell.
When she wasn't bitching at Carlisle for condemning her to an unnatural, evil life, she was bitching at Esme for liking me more than her and bitching at me over anything she could think of. Her finding Emmett was a Godsend.
It didn't take long for the boisterous man to win each of us over, particularly Rosalie. Though she kept it hidden on the outside, she was smitten by his face and charming accent from the moment she laid eyes on him. His funny, easy-going personality doubled as a bonus, softening the hard exterior of Rosalie none of us could ever hope to reach.
He offered her a piece of the humanity she thought she'd lost.
As long as she shut up, I was happy.
Then came along Alice and Jasper. You can imagine my surprise to come back from a hunting trip, eager to remove myself from a happy (well, as happy Rosalie ever gets) couple, to find myself in the presence of another sickly-sweet duo. I immediately knew something was wrong when I spotted Carlisle on the front porch, his thoughts screaming, "Now Edward, just let me explain."
Naturally, I ignored his wise words and rushed up the stairs; curious as to the havoc Emmett must have done in my bedroom (I knew I should have waited. I never should have agreed to meet them). Only…it wasn't my bedroom. Even without my perfect memory I knew the giant Father of the Bride poster wasn't there when I left, nor were the numerous pink and purple items spread throughout the room.
Jasper earned my respect before I met him simply for being able to live in this den of Alice.
Together the seven of us lived a content life – well, I lived a content life whereas the others were happy, peaceful in each other and with their mates.
While they loved each other, relished in the mutual adoration among partners, I never understood the particular draw of their relationships. I never really grasped my own relationship. I thought I loved my family, but I only knew deep fondness.
I knew fondness until 2005.
Until Bella Swan.
Oh, my beautiful girl.
She taught me about love.
She taught me about everything. She opened my eyes to a world beyond mere content to fulfillment.
I learned about hope.
I learned strength.
I learned to love. Not just my Bella, but also everyone within my family.
I didn't learn sheer stupidity until today, though, when I discovered that my leaving her had been in complete vain.
It had been for nothing.
I never wanted this life for her.
Yet here she was before me, looking so heartbreakingly beautiful and sad.
"So enough about me. What have all of you been up to?"
Alice immediately chimed in, "Oh, we've been doing this and that. I have to tell you that you're the reason I found out about my past! Can you believe it, Bella? All those years I didn't know anything because I can't remember anything from my human life and then you came along and managed to help me find out everything in a matter of months. If not for you, I never would have known about my family and my home life and how I ended up as a vampire and got the chance to meet my Jasper and---"
"Whoa," murmured Jasper, sending out tranquility to his overzealous wife. "Take a breath, Alice. You can slow down, we have time."
I noticed Bella's eyes crinkled up upon Alice's quick words. Oh, but the chance to hear her! It would forever plague me, the inability to read her mind. How I desperately wanted to know her thoughts.
"Sorry, Bella, I'm just excited to see you," Alice continued, her slim legs bouncing up and down. "I never got the chance to thank you. You've done so much for me."
"What exactly have I done?" she asked, her voice making me quiver. The beautiful qualities of her human voice had been amplified, making her words ring in my ears like husky bells.
"You don't remember," whispered Alice sadly, briefly meeting my eyes before looking back toward my angel.
As if ashamed, Bella hunched her shoulders and nodded. She whispered, "Like I said, I don't remember much."
"Human memories fade, Bella," Carlisle told her soothingly, easing some of her tension.
"Yeah, Bells, I hardly remember anything from my life. Don't worry about it."
She nodded, trying to give Emmett the benefit of the doubt, but I could see the unease still marring her expression.
Undeterred, Alice went on, "Well, you see, it's a long story, but you inadvertently helped me discover my past."
"How did I do that? I mean…I've got time," she muttered hesitantly, throwing a nervous glance in my direction, "but I'll completely understand if you don't want to get into it now. I shouldn't ask, you've been exceptionally kind already---"
"Nonsense, Bella," interjected Esme, offering her a warm smile.
"She's right! It's your story, why shouldn't you know?"
I watched as she came to grips with the phrase, nodding slowly in agreement. She desperately wanted to know, it was plain as day. Why was she holding back? Why can't she just ask to know?
"Well, it all started at a baseball game, Bella. I was pitching, Edward was in the outfield, and---"
"Oh, holy Hell, just tell her!" interrupted Rosalie, glaring at first Alice and then Bella. My fingers tightened into balls as she flashed her evil, conniving grin toward my angel. "Let's just make a long story short. Edward brought you to our family baseball game, some nomads showed up, one wanted to eat you, we tried to save you, your idiot ass ran off directly into his trap, and he bit you, nearly killing you. There, did I cover everything?"
"Rosalie!"
"Rose!"
"Babe!"
"So what does this have to do with Alice?"
We all turned our focus back on Bella, her inquisitive mien confusing us all. Rosalie looked just as curious, unprepared for Bella to not get up and run at her outburst. Rosalie wanted her to leave, wanted this all over, and didn't foresee her lasting after being yelled at.
Wow, she's tougher than she looks.
I certainly had to agree.
And don't you dare say that shit aloud, Edward!
Rolling my eyes, I was about to answer Bella's question when Carlisle jumped in first, saying, "Why don't we come back to that later? I think we could all use a little break. How about a tour of the house, Bella?"
"Ohh, a tour! That would be fantastic!" shouted Alice; already cataloguing the items in her closet she thought would look wonderful on Bella.
That red dress would be fabulous on her. Or maybe the blue number, with the slit on the side. What do you think, Edward?
Just then a flash of my Bella wearing a low cut, teal dress erupted in the forefront of my mind. The slit revealed her creamy thigh, dangerously high to her hips while the straps barely looked strong enough to hold the piece up. Needless to say, I started shaking my head and shifting in my seat, liking the image far too much.
Smirking, Alice asked, "Want to see my room first?"
Bella blankly stared at me for a moment, almost like she did when she'd been human, back when she loved me. We could feel her hesitancy and it saddened me greatly she no longer trusted us. I wanted to tell her she'd be okay, that we wouldn't hurt her, but she nodded in agreement before I got the chance. Alice snatched up her hand at inhuman speed, pulling her roughly up the stairs.
"Well, that was interesting," commented Jasper, smiling at me.
"What's got you smiling?" asked Emmett, reading my mind.
"I'm kind of taking in the good mood. Finding all of this out today surely should make us all happy!"
"Okay, Feelings Sponge over here is losing it," growled Rosalie.
"Call me all the names you want, I don't care. And I'm not losing it."
"Whatever you have to say spit it out."
Shrugging, he went on, "I know why Bella was so hesitant to leave the room."
"Spit. It. Out," I barked out, my patience gone.
"She didn't want to leave you, Edward."
That caught me off guard. My face must have shown my disbelief for he followed it up with, "I swear to you, Edward, it's true. Throughout this entire conversation she held back from throwing herself at you. Can you say sexual tension?"
In my elation, I barely registered Alice screaming a warning one floor above, Esme letting out an unhappy growl, Emmett's laughter, and my hands shredding the couch cushions.
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A/N: I'M EPIC FAIL! I know this. I seriously do, I promise. I'll try to make a long story short: I got sick over the summer, which kept me in bed for about a month, and then a VERY close family member got sick. He's presently still sick, in the CCU, and I'm handling it as best as I can (which isn't very good at all). When my attention isn't focused on him, I've got it focused on work and school. I'm doing my best, I promise, to get back on track. I love this story and I have every intention of finishing it.
I'm not sure if I'll get back into the whole - one week update - thing, but I'm going to attempt it. I've already started on the next chapter. I'm also working a piece for the Twilight Exchange and I'm considering rewriting a piece (one that I never posted) for the Darkward challenge. I've got a lot to do! Luckily I've got some inspiration running through the brain so I'm confident about everything.
I appreciate the patience. You guys all rock, I swear. (I'm also terribly sorry for the lack of review replies. I assure you, though, that I read all of them!)
Shameless plug: just wrote a new oneshot, Locker Room Talk, and I'd love for you all to read it!
And feel free to follow me on Twitter (link on profile). I don't even know how many people care about it, but if people do want some teasers for this story, I don't mind posting them. Just let me know!
Carmine is the work of fanfiction. The characters belong to Stephenie Meyer, but the featured story is mine.