A/N Wow, this chapter is one of the longest! It's a bit weirdly-written...

"You have reached Arthur Kirkland. I'm not able to get to the phone at the moment, please leave a message."

Beep!

"Hey Artie, it's me, the hero. I was wondering if you wanted to, like, come over and hang with me and Mattie? We could go see a movie or something... by the way, your voice-mail message thing sucks." with that, I pressed the "end call" button on my cell phone and returned to lying on the couch, watching some British sci-fi show about time travel and eating a bag of chips-no, excuse me- crisps.

Then I realized that I hadn't left the name of the hotel I was staying at. Oh well, he could probably use his vampire powers to find me, anyway. Speaking of which, I wondered what my blood smelled like to him... hopefully heroic. Yes, heroic can have a smell.

My phone beeped, indicating that I had received a text message.

'Alfred, I'm bringing Gilbert over. Make sure you didn't eat ALL the refreshments.'

'Fine by me, but idk how artie will react. Theyre 2 very different peeps.' I honestly didn't think that they would care much for each other.

'Vampires aren't known for their social skills, I suppose.'

'Yeah, he might try 2 eat u both!'

'Uh-huh. By the way, there's something I have to tell you when we arrive. Brace yourself for the worst.'

That got me worried. Was McDonald's going out of business? Did George Lucas re-release the already-crummy prequels of Star Wars, but with two Jar Jar Binkses? Was Gilbert the rival vampire who tried to kill Mattie? No, that didn't make sense...

Hastily, I put out a bag of ch-crisps and some dip. I knew that wasn't traditional British cuisine, but come on! No way would I subject my guests to torture like that! I turned the coffee maker on, then remembered that Artie liked tea so I started heating up some water in a kettle, which is what you do to make tea, right?

Suddenly, the familiar tune of Hedwig's Theme, which was what I set as Artie's ringtone, made itself apparent to my heroic ears, and I quickly answered it.

"Yo! What's up, Artie?"

"There is nothing wrong with my voice-mail message." he said coldly, taking me slightly off guard.

"Sorry dude, but it really is lame."

"Excuse me for having better things to do than coming up with a witty message to placate simple minds such as yours."

"... What?"

"Never mind."

"Anyway, you comin' over or what?" I asked, tossing some things into a bowl and sweeping the couch cousions free of debris.

"Yes, I suppose I am."

"Cool. By the way, Mattie's bringing some friend of his."

"Alright. See you in a bit."

"Bye."

Continuing on with the tasks at hand, I couldn't help but be a little excited to hang out with Arthur, even though that's what I had been doing the whole trip, anyway. Finally, I knew what having butterflies in the stomach felt like. Despite the fact that Gilbert and Mattie would be there, my teenage girl-ish mind was beginning to think that this was a date. Heck, it could be a double date, if my theory about Mattie and Gil was correct.

With a (heroic) flourish, I turned the radio on.

"So remember, if you know anything about the recent string of killings lately, anything at all, call in and you might get a chance to appear in one of our Thursday night get-togethers with me, Bert Healy! All thanks to our wonderful sponsor, Oxydent!

O-X-Y-D-E-N-T!

The toothpaste of the stars. To make your teeth Hollywood bright. So, for all the hour of smiles family – Ronnie, Bonnie, and Connie, the lovely Boylan sisters; Fred McCracken and Wacky, this is Bert Healy saying...

Hey, hobo man,

Hey, dapper Dan,

You've both got your style

But brother,

You're never fully dressed without a smile!"

I turned the radio back off. Recent string of killings? It was more than likely that something supernatural was involved. Not necessarily Artie, of course, but I still worried a bit. Maybe it was the vampire who attacked Mattie? Or maybe it was... something else. Like... a banshee, or a werewolf, or a Jabberwock, or a killer rabbit!

My train of thoughts was derailed as someone knocked at the door. Suddenly remembering my previous excitement for visitors, I bounded over and threw open the door. My grin grew wider as I caught sight of who it was.

"Hiya, Artie!" I exclaimed. I was suddenly unsure what to do with my hands, so I sort of waved at him.

"Good afternoon, idiot." he grumbled. Obviously, he was having a stressful day. No matter, it was my intention to cheer him up whether he liked it or not! It didn't bother me that he had arrived waaay sooner than possible, since vampires are supposedly wickedly fast. Apparently, he thought I was dumb enough not to notice his early arrival.

"Come on in!" I said, remembering that vampires could not cross the threshold of a house without permission. Stepping aside, I granted him entrance. He muttered a word of thanks as he strode past me and into the hotel room. Since Mattie and I were staying for a while, it was more of an apartment than a hotel, and had plenty of room for guests. Our "room" had a kitchen, a large bedroom with two beds, a nice bathroom and a living room.

He sat down on the armchair with his usual gentlemanly air, and I sat on the couch across from him. For almost a full minute, I had to just stop and stare at him. No, I'm not a creep, it's just that he was the most interesting thing in the room. He just looked so... adorable, it was hard to remember that he was a blood-sucking creature of the night.

After a moment, he coughed slightly, alerting me to the fact that my staring probably wasn't as endearing as I'd hoped. I smiled sheepishly, and tried to think of a conversation-starter. It was obvious that he wasn't going to be of help.

"So Mattie's bringing his friend, Gilbert." I said eventually.

"Yes, you mentioned that." he remarked.

Damn!

"Well, I just wanted to make sure that's still cool with you." I laughed.

"If you think he's worth the company, then I can tolerate him."

Did that mean Artie trusted my judgement? Ooh, bad choice on his behalf, but yay for me! Trust is always an integral part of a relationship. Or was that salsa?

Speaking of salsa, I realized that setting out scones and things would have been sort of pointless, seeing as vampires can't consume human food. Though the tea might still be fine, since he was drinking it when we first met.

"Er, want some tea? I'm not sure if I made it right, though..." I added. Luckily, the packets for the tea bags came with pretty basic instructions.

"Yes, please." Arthur said. I went over to the kitchen, poured the hot water into a teapot(which I had found in one of the cupboards) and came back over to the living room. I followed each instruction flawlessly, so that, when I handed him a cup, I was rather proud of myself.

Tea is so boring, especially since you have to let the leaves seep before it's even remotely drinkable. I figured that I'd like my tea strong, so I'd have to wait an especially long amount of time. I'm sure Artie doesn't mind, 'cause he has a whole lot more patience than I do.

Hmm, why did he drink tea, anyway? There's no way it could compare to blood, right? Maybe it was just his British instincts telling him that he needed the blander, waterier substance to survive.

"They ought to make blood tea..." I chuckled to myself. Then I realized that I had said that out loud. Dammit!

"I beg your pardon?" Artie asked, raising an eyebrow(which must have been an incredible feat, considering the size of those things!)

"Uh, nothing..." I said, chuckling nervously. Then I had to wonder why I was keeping my knowledge of Artie's vampire-ness a secret. Because if I kept it hidden, he'd keep on thinking that I was an idiot, and what harm would it do if he knew that I knew?

"If you just said what I think you just said, then let me tell you how wrong that sounds, if you thought about how you'd go about making it." Arthur said dryly.

I was saved from trying to figure that out by the door opening, revealing my little bro and his albino friend. Mattie was smiling and laughing with his pal, who had an arm around my brother's shoulders. I'll pretend that didn't tick me off a bit. (Yeah, I'm a bit self-contradictory. Wanna make something of it?)

"Mattie! Hi!" I called, waving them over. "Come join Batman and Robin over here!"

"Robin?" Artie asked skeptically.

The new arrivals joined me on the sofa. Mattie raised an eyebrow at the sight of our tea, to which I winked.

"You must be Arthur, right?" my bro asked politely. "I've heard many things about you from Alfred."

"Flattering things, I hope." Arthur said, glaring at me. I got up and went back over to the kitchen for the coffee pot.

"Oh, yes. Anyway, I'm Matthew Williams, Alfred's brother. I expect you haven't heard much about me, at least from Alfred."

I frowned, sitting down again and pouring coffee for us(I hadn't liked the tea much.) I felt like such an awful brother all of a sudden...

"He's mentioned you." Arthur said, sipping his tea. "And your... friend?"

It got about twelve degrees colder in the room, I kid you not. Maybe it was due to the fact that Mattie had accidentally left the door open, or maybe it was because Arthur and Gilbert were glaring daggers at each other.

Mattie, for once playing the oblivious role, looked down at his polar bear.

"Oh, this is Kumakichi..."

"Kumajiro." the bear said.

"I meant the... 'human' one." Artie said, his knuckles turning white.

Mattie laughed and looked over at Gil.

"This is Gilbert Beilschmidt. Frankly, I don't know why he's being so quiet, he usually likes to introduce himself..." all of a sudden, Gilbert slammed his cup down on the table and stood up, visibly angry.

"I'll tell you why I'm being quiet," he said darkly, "I'm being quiet because I'm sitting across from a vampire, which, frankly, disgusts me beyond the point of speaking! Also, Mattie, you should remember to introduce me as the awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt."

Oh, how I wished I had a camera with me. Everyone was making such hilarious expressions! Mattie had that look that said "what is going on here make it stop" and Gil looked like he had just eaten something really nasty! But, of course, the award for funniest facial expression went to Artie, who looked so... oh, I can't even describe it in words!

"Wh-what do you mean, vampire?" the Brit asked hurriedly, trying to sound indignant. He was probably keeping the act up for my sake, which was unnecessary.

"It's alright," I said, putting a hand on his shoulder. "I knew you were a vampire since the day we met."

His eyes widened, looking hurt and betrayed. It hurt to see him look like that, but what could I do? What's said is said.

"Wha- but... oh hell, you're not as thick as you seem, are you." he said, resting his face in his hands and sighing exasperatedly.

"Only when it comes to the supernatural." I said, trying to smile at him. He looked up at me, then at Gil, who was still standing, then at my brother.

"On the contrary..." Artie said, a growing intensity in his voice, "you're the one who didn't notice two werewolves walk in."

Mattie groaned, slapping a hand across his forehead. Gilbert scowled at Artie. Kumajiro dipped his paw in the dip. Gil's bird fluttered in circles around its master's head. I sat there for a moment, letting what the vampire said register in my mind.

Werewolves.

Gilbert Beilschmidt.

Matthew.

"Oh. My. God." I said when realization dawned. "Oh my god. Ohmygod."

"Alfred, please don't freak out," Matthew pleaded, "I'm fine with it, really, and it wasn't really Gil's fault..."

I cringed, saddened that he thought, nay, knew that I would have issues with this. Standing up, I decided to try to act more mature about this than Mattie expected.

"You were right to tell me to brace myself for the worst, Matthew." I said. "I'm not happy with either of you, but at least you were going to tell me."

There we go. Firm, but mature. Mattie cringed.

"Actually, we weren't going to tell you about the whole werewolf thing..." he said sheepishly. Apparently, I was not good enough a brother to tell something like that to. Ouch.

"Then what were you going to tell me?" I asked, trying to keep calm. I didn't like being mad at my brother, since he probably didn't choose this, but come on, he wasn't even going to tell me.

"This isn't the best time..." Mattie said softly. Gilbert scoffed.

"Why not? He'd figure it out in a thousand years or so, anyway. We're dating, Alfred. Your brother and I are now a couple." the albino said.

I didn't even have to respond, as Mattie gave Gilbert a hearty kick in the shins. Arthur put his cup down(on a coaster, mind you) and got to his feet, as well.

"What a tactless way to break the news to him. Of course, tact can hardly be expected from a werewolf, can it?" he asked, crossing his arms and glowering at Gilbert. I couldn't believe it, but Artie was standing up for me. Wow.

"Guys, please don't argue..." Mattie begged, but the other two were too busy having a stare-off to pay him any mind, and I was a bit too lovestruck to do anything.

"You're one to talk, you pathetic mosquito!" Gilbert retorted.

"At least I hold some sophistication. You're nothing but a mangy mutt when your time of the month rolls around."

Ouch for Gil. Double ouch.

"Ah, but I don't sparkle."

That one had me laughing. Granted, I was pretty sure that Arthur didn't sparkle, but that was still funny.

"Shut it, Alfred." the vampire snapped. Then I remembered that I wanted to stay on Artie's good side. I motioned as if I were zipping up my mouth, then gave him the thumbs up. He turned back to Gilbert. "You're a beast, that's what you are. A mongrel. A crime against nature. A monster."

This was getting intense. I wanted to stop them, but I feared that I might have gotten injured if I interfered. Some battles weren't meant for this hero.

"Stop it, you two!" Mattie shouted, effectively silencing them. He looked utterly distraught, which instantly sent the rest of us on a guilt trip. He got to his feet, shoving Kumajiro into Gil's arms. "You guys have never even met, what reason do you have to suddenly hate each other? Just because we're werewolves and you're a vampire doesn't give you grounds to fight like that! And you!" he pointed an accusing finger at me. "You just sat there on your fat behind and watched them argue like it's a sport! You're all such children!"

Arthur opened his mouth, about to say something, then seemed to think the better of it and remained silent, mouth shut. Gilbert looked like, well, a kicked puppy, and I just started up at Matthew in awe.

"Wow." I said. "I'm so sorry, Mattie." I was quick to apologize, because I knew of his skills with a hockey stick. Gilbert looked dejected, and just sat there looking like a child who just got the scolding of his life.

"Er, my apologies as well, Matthew. But since I fear another argument might break out, I'll just take my leave." Arthur said, standing up. I was saddened to see him go, but I think we all could have agreed that it was for the best.

It was a dark and stormy night, which, I guess, wasn't particularly unusual for this country, even in July. It had been an emotionally distressing and generally exhausting day, and even I was tired. After that awkward encounter, Mattie went off with Gilbert somewhere and I was left in the hotel with Kumajiro.

Locking myself in my room, I let out a long sigh. Everything had been going great until the big reveal... why did vampires and werewolves have to be enemies? That's such a huge inconvenience! I realized that Mattie sort of wanted to be a werewolf, so I resolved not to bug him about it. Him with Gilbert, however, was another issue entirely.

The carpeted floor felt like magic between my toes, and I felt like listening to some Disney songs on my iPod or was the kind of magic I felt we needed at the moment, show tunes and fairies and happy endings.

I flopped myself down on the bed, not even caring to remove my shoes. Hey, even heroes have their rough days. (Of course, later it was going to get rough in a whole different way, but how was I supposed to know that?)

When the window flew open, I didn't even bother sitting up. It was either Peter Pan or, more likely, Arthur.

"'Evening, Alfred."

Yup, it was Arthur.

"Yo, Artie."

He hissed.

"I told you not to call me that."

"Yeah, and I ignored you."

"If that's how you're going to be, I'll just leave."

"No, don't!" I said, sitting up. He had been sitting at the foot of my bed, and I was sorely disappointed to see that he wasn't trying to attach his shadow to his foot with a bar of soap. Oh well, I'd make a better Peter Pan anyway. Artie can be Wendy.

"That's more like it." he said, grinning in a dangerous way.

I shivered.

Aaand then they fucked.

Guys, Alfred is so weird. Near the beginning of this chapter, he's already assumed that PruCan is a thing and he's totally cool with it, but then he's surprised and angry to actually hear it, though he doesn't get a chance to show it.

So, the insert song was "Never Fully Dressed" from the musical Annie. My theater group did a Halloween adaptation of it(in which I starred), which inspired this fanfiction.