CHAPTER TEN

The emergency briefing meeting had gone better than Kathryn Janeway expected. While the senior officers had all been aware to a certain degree of Chakotay's condition and the latest development, the rest of the ship's crew still had to be informed. They'd all been quiet while they listened to the Doctor outlining the nature of Chakotay's amnesia.

"The condition is indefinite," the EMH stated. "There's no knowing whether it will be corrected tomorrow, or in a year's time."

"Never, perhaps?" Seven of Nine asked bluntly.

"That is possible, Seven, but we must remain optimistic that it can be reversed," he answered quickly.

"It means then that Commander Chakotay believes for example, Mr Paris still to be in a correctional facility," Tuvok said.

"You know, Tuvok, if I didn't know you better, I'd say you were teasing..." Tom said, then he winced as B'Elanna kicked him on the shin.

"It means that he still bears you ill, Mr Paris."

"I've already been at the receiving end of it, Tuvok."

Tom looked unhappy as he spoke, the prospect of dealing with a First Officer who remembered only that he was a mercenary and not a changed man, very daunting.

"You must understand, Tuvok," Captain Janeway added quietly, "that your position is tenuous as well. You were on his vessel under cover - "

"There, see?"

"I...see," Tuvok replied, looking as impassive as ever.

"Doctor, when do you think Commander Chakotay will be mobile?"

"Captain, now that he's regained consciousness, he'll be in sick bay at least a week before I'll actually allow him to wander about the ship unattended," the doctor replied.

"What you mean, Doc, is that you don't want Commander Chakotay to learn things too suddenly. Things that could be a greater shock for him than we might anticipate." Tom folded his arms across his chest and leaned back in his chair.

"That is correct. You must understand that Commander Chakotay will not recognise any of the Starfleet crew, and will be asking questions about the Maquis aboard his own ship - "

"Doctor and I have decided that we'll break it gradually to him in the week that he'll still be in sick bay. He'll be studying the ship's logs and other vital crew information," Kathryn said as she looked at Tom. "The Commander has already been informed that he is the First Officer of this vessel - "

"Captain? How did he take to that?" Neelix asked.

Kathryn Janeway sighed. She threaded her fingers in a gesture Tom thought was nervous.

"He...insisted he's Maquis. He is disoriented, Tom. It..."

"Captain, we'll help all we can," Tom offered, sensing how difficult it had to be for her.

"Thank you, Tom. I appreciate that you want to help. It's just..." she paused for several minutes while the rest of the senior officers waited for her to speak. "I don't know how I am going to tell him about the personal aspects of his life..."

"Captain, it is perhaps the most humane thing to tell him immediately. He will want to know once he's studied all the logs," Tuvok said.

"Yes...yes, I know that. In the meantime, I am delaying as far as I possibly can until it cannot be avoided. Hopefully by that time it won't come as too much of a shock to him..."

"Then I guess, he's yours, Captain," Tom said in an attempt at levity. Kathryn Janeway smiled and closed her eyes briefly.

"That will be all. Dismissed," she said softly.

She remained in her seat for several minutes after they left. Her thoughts went to Chakotay. She had stayed with him until he slept soundly and then allowed herself to touch him, caress his cheek, his forehead, and for a few minutes just held his hand.

It was so strange. In his sleep his fingers had curled around hers and for a moment she wanted to believe that he was fine, that his memory was restored. Somewhere in his subconscious he must recognise her touch, even her scent. It was a hope, albeit a vain one, but she wanted to cling to that. She wondered how he would take the news that he was married, how his reaction would be when he saw Tara.

She gave a sigh. Sometime, she'd have to tell him. He had to know, even if he didn't remember. What he wasn't going to learn from the ship's database and some inadvertent uttering from the crew, he would find out, through her, through the doctor.

"Captain, he'll have to be assigned quarters," the EMH said before she'd left sickbay. She had already thought of that and knew that until he was ready, he'd have to be somewhere else, on the same deck, maybe, but not immediately in their own quarters. She had to have the strength to ward off a thousand more question about why two quarters had been converted into a larger living arrangement for a Captain and First Officer. On the other hand, it might just be better if Chakotay knew immediately where their quarters were... The vacant cabin next to his was perhaps just a temporary measure.

"I understand, Doctor. The quarters next to his own had always been vacant. He'll be there until I - "

She had not wanted to pursue that conversation further and the EMH had nodded, his eyes looking for once sympathetic. She sighed as she rose from her seat and entered the bridge. She sat down in the command chair, her eyes going instinctively to the empty chair beside her.

He knew the moment he woke and saw the doctor scurrying around that it was probably morning. His moved his hands, saw that he could lift them. When he raised them to touch his temple, a sudden wave of pain hit him and he cried out. The EMH didn't seem to notice he was awake.

Chakotay had a raging thirst and for a split second he felt something like a hand, gentle and soft, touching his mouth and dabbing a sponge there.

"Water..." he croaked as he tried to lift himself.

"Good morning, Commander," the doctor said. The EMH had moved to the biobed and now hovered over Chakotay.

"Doctor...?"

"I am an emergency medical hologram," the EMH offered. "I don't have a name."

"I...see."

The EMH moved away as he spoke and when he turned to face Chakotay again, he had small glass of water. Here..." he said as he lifted Chakotay's head slightly and allowed him to drink from the glass. Chakotay's face still had the sallow, sickly look and while most of his burnt skin had been regenerated, there was still some tingling of pain, as if his nerve endings remembered what he couldn't.

"Tell me - about - the Captain," Chakotay asked as he lay back, beads of perspiration forming on his forehead.

"She will be here shortly, Commander."

He had difficulty understanding being called Commander. His last recollection was of being attacked by that Cardassian dog Gul Evek and the next moment he found himself on Voyager. He believed he was a fugitive, a hardened freedom fighter and Maquis cell leader. Now he was on a Federation vessel and he'd been told that he had been on this vessel for more than six years. Seeing the stardate listed on the tricorder last night had given him a shock. He was confused, disoriented and utterly at the mercy of a woman he didn't know. One moment he was thrown against the bulkhead of his vessel and the next moment he was on Voyager, more than six years later. All the events he experienced, every act and action that had an impact on either Kathryn, or members of the crew, all work he had done on this vessel, a mystery to him, as if it never happened. It was a gaping chasm that appeared impossible to bridge, and Kathryn might be the only one with a key to unlocking the mystery. She had looked at him with expectation in her eyes, as if she expected him to recognise her.

He sighed. He was supposed to know her. If he had been her First Officer for so long, he had to know her well, perhaps more than well. He couldn't recall that she had given him an answer last night when he asked if they were friends. He had been friends with his captain on his previous Federation vessel before his resignation, so it was reasonable to assume that he and Captain Janeway could be close friends on Voyager if they had been in this quadrant for more than six years.

She was beautiful. Petit and beautiful. Last night, even through his pain he could see that her eyes looked sad. Was the sadness for him?

Chakotay tried to lift himself again and groaned when the pain forced him down. He turned his head, saw that there were no other patients in sick bay. Did they vanish for his benefit? He must be on a very modern vessel, he thought. Very modern. Mostly greys and blues, steel and chrome... Even the doctor was a figment, collection of photon particles, doctor with no name...

He closed his eyes and must have dozed off. When he opened them again she was sitting there, his hand in hers. She didn't speak, just kept stroking the back of his hand.

"You are sad...Captain..."

He heard her give a sigh, and he amended his address, "Kathryn..."

"You have been very badly injured, Chakotay," she said softly.

"Is that why you are sad?" he asked.

She was quiet so long that he wondered if she heard him, or whether she wanted to reply to him.

"Are we friends, Kathryn?" he repeated his question of the previous night.

"Yes. Yes...we are."

"You are crying, Kathryn. Please...don't cry..." He hardly knew how he could have this desire to wipe her tears and tell her not to cry. He didn't want her to be sad. How was it possible that he could feel like this?

"I'm sorry, Chakotay. It's just that I'm glad to see you're looking better."

"But I don't remember you, Kathryn. I know I'm supposed to and I know now that we must have shared something close. How can that be better than not knowing of a part of my life that is important to me?"

"We thought you wouldn't make it. The first two days, it was...very bad..."

"Kathryn, I want to remember you. There must have been things...there are things...I had this dream, that someone held my hand and spoke to me in soft tones."

She had been there round the clock the first forty eight hours. Members of the crew rotated taking care of a fractious baby who missed her father. Kathryn wanted to set him at ease.

"We're friends, remember?"

"Then you will help me put together the pieces of the puzzle?"

Kathryn nodded.

"Tell me..."

"Chakotay," she said on a sigh, "as soon as you are able to walk about, you have access to the ship's logs and database - "

"And between the lines, Kathryn Janeway? What will I read between the lines?"

"I hope you'll not be too shocked, Chakotay."

"Or surprised, Kathryn?"

She nodded and gave him a watery smile. When he smiled back, Kathryn's eyes closed.

"What is it, Kathryn?"

Her eyes had a wistful look in them.

"I missed you, Chakotay..."

Her hand covered his. It was warm; he felt comforted, as if her hand belonged there.

"Help me..."

"You must rest. We need you to get strong again."

"You will help me?"

"Yes..."

END CHAPTER TEN