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Chapter Ten
"When something an affliction happens to you, you either let it defeat you, or you defeat it."
- Jean Jacques Rousseau
22 December – Thursday – Edward's POV
Three days had passed since I had tried to drain the girl. Three days had passed since I experienced one of my darkest moments. Even the past lives I had taken willingly couldn't compare to the amount of anguish I felt in trying to end her life. My family couldn't seem to understand my plight and the severity of my actions.
As I sat and listened to my family's line of reasoning's, it felt like I was privy to some intervention that had no purpose. The Bella tragedy had been adverted (as I thought of it), yet here my family argued, tying to get me to go against my will. It wasn't their fault that I had my problems with trying to drain Bella dry, but they insisted on me trying to see her again. How could they even make such a proposition?
"Edward, could you please try?" Esme all but begged him, her voice pulling at the heartstrings. "I want my family to be together for Christmas Day. I understand Alice's reluctance in wanting to be here, and I understand if you accompany her to the Denali's, but I would truly appreciate if you made the effort to be here. It's much to ask, and I know the outcome of your last meeting, but there will come a time you have to face her again." I didn't want to hear that rational line of knowledge.
"You have the strongest will among us, and that includes your father," she continued, "I know you can sustain from trying to drain her." Esme seemed to be losing steam, the more she spoke. I wondered if her reluctance in continuing had anything to do with her truly realizing the obstacle I faced with coming into contact with my singer, the human's blood that all but called to me aloud.
I looked at the woman who was my mother in so many ways. We had been through much together and she seemed to understand me more than anyone (excluding Carlisle). She had felt my pain and saw the depths of regret in my eyes. By her asking this request of me made it all the harder. She lamented with me, and yet asked for the near impossible. I couldn't say she didn't understand me and had no idea what I was suffering. She may not have come across the call of her singer's blood, but she had a mother's intuition and therefore suffered with all her children. That kind of magic was shared with all mothers.
"Esme," my voice weary, "you ask for the impossible. How could I even think to submit Bella to my presence again?" I gave her a serious, yet apologetic look in not wanting to abide her request. In return she gave me a sad smile, as if she knew what I was trying to convey without words.
"I know I ask a lot, son, but you are capable of so much more then you ever give yourself credit. Could you at least give you some credit in stopping yourself?" I scoffed at her question. I may have stopped as she said, but I hadn't been far from ripping into the girl's thin neck and taking what I selfishly craved.
"Please, Esme, what world do you live in? Are you that naïve enough to believe I controlled myself from the girl?" I laughed at her blind-sidedness.
"There's no need to be rude or sarcastic, Edward. Esme means well," chastised Carlisle, his voice gentle, but firm in his reprimand. "And her name is Isabella, not 'the girl'." I immediately became repentant.
He was correct in his observations about my behavior. I had no cause to be rude to my mother. I looked over and became distracted by Emmett's snickers. I couldn't believe he was acting so juvenile in a situation that had caused me the most hurt in decades. What else could I expect from someone who hardly took anything seriously, except not being able to participate in sexual congress with his wife?
"Now isn't the time for your immature side effects, Emmett. Please try and act as a supporting member of the family, and if that task is too difficult for you to perform, your more than welcomed to leave."
I tried to hide the smirk from my lips at him getting into trouble. I was grateful that he was pouting at Carlisle and not looking in my direction. Jasper just winked at me, not saying anything, but being able to feel my emotions of mirth.
"Sorry," mumbled Emmett. He looked in my direction and gave me what he thought was some sort of evil eye. The time I was afraid of him had long passed. I just gave him a bored blink of my eyes that had him becoming even more incensed.
"Emmett!" Carlisle all but yelled, causing Emmett to jump. The rest of us tried to hide our laughter behind our hands, including his wife. It never failed that he brought some humor into a tense situation. "Choose – are you going to participate like a contributing member of our family or act like an infant that needs to be constantly watched, like the little love?" I became serious immediately at the mention of the little child. The reference to her seemed to cause me to do so. It was unexplainable, but there, nonetheless.
"You give him too much credit, Carlisle, even Cheye doesn't need to be constantly attended to like my husband," jested Rosalie. Emmett turned his pouting face towards her. She rolled her eyes before placing a little kiss to his cheek. I'm sure it was better than the usual slap that accompanied such an aggravation.
"I choose to act like an adult that has been taught better by Esme then to act in such a childish and impudent manner," he spoke in a refined tone with his nose in the air. We all gaped at him after his statement. It was rare that he spoke with such elegance that it always left one speechless. He chided me for speaking in an intelligent style, but yet saw no wrong when he did. Emmett smirked at our opened-mouth response to him.
He wrapped his arms around her waist and once again became content, if one thought about how many positions his wife would allow him to try tonight, content. I tried not to shudder as I quickly banished his grotesque images from my mind. Emmett was almost too predictable. One didn't need Alice's gift to understand his choices.
"Edward," Carlisle called, bring his attention back to me, now that Emmett had been settled and paid attention to, "Your mother only wants for her family to be together. You cannot fault her for wanting something that most families do during that time of the year. Again, there is also no need for such impertinent comments." I gave him another repented look before turning to face Esme.
"I can understand your desires, Esme, but I'm not sure if I can resist the smell of the blood once again. How could you ask me to even put our family and Bella in that precarious situation again? I had thought you loved Bella as a daughter?"
Carlisle went to reprimand me once again for being short in my questions with his mate, but she cut him off. His thoughts were steaming with his anger. I had to throw his mental assault from my psyche because I couldn't stand the disappointment.
"I have an immense love for Bella, Edward. She is very dear to my heart. You only need to ask Jasper of my sincerity." Before I could look at him, she continued to speak, "Never doubt my affections for her again. I will allow you this one concession, but I won't stand for such assumptions again. I hope I make myself more than clear on the topic." I was once again put in to my place effectively with her short, but impactful words.
That doubt truly hurt, my son. I wouldn't think you thought so little of me or my actions towards Cheyenne's mother, she added silently. She made sure to add the little child's name. She must have realized how the little child affected me. I just nodded and looked away from her wet eyes.
"As for your earlier question, there is a plan we thought of with Jasper." I once again went to look at him, but she called my attention back to her. "Firstly, you are more than capable, my son. Don't doubt my words in regard to you. I don't know of any occasion where I have lied to you, Edward, even if it were to spare your feelings. I may have sugar-coated some things, but when it comes to Bella's life, I would never willingly put my daughter into harm's way."
Venom started to sting my own eyes as I took in her words. I should have recognized Esme's devotion to Jasper's love and daughter.
"Secondly, I wouldn't even bring up such a topic if we hadn't discussed it while you hunted. I would never be presumptive enough to bring up something as vital as you being around Bella without both of their express permission. Stop thinking so little of me, Edward," what could I say in response to her accusations?
"Thirdly, as I iterated before, there is a plan. If you think have failed in it, then my whole idea is scraped. If you think you are able to sustain, then we would proceed with the utmost caution. You and Jasper will go about what is planned." I tried to reach out to Jasper's thoughts but found they were closed for my perusal.
I reached out to Esme and could read what they had in mind. I wanted to run for the nearest mountain, but knew that wasn't a possibility. Venom filled my mouth just thinking about her captivating smell and being surrounded by such glory. Then I became blind-sided; the strongest regret and grief I had ever felt filled me. I had to bend over with the pressure of it.
"Edward!" Esme yelled, trying to make her way over to my side. I painstakingly held my hand up to hold her off. I figured out what was happening and was thankful. She had to let me experience on my own.
"Let him alone, dear," Carlisle consoled his wife, knowing what I needed.
Remember that thought, son.
Jasper increased the pressure and I had to gasp from the pain. My insides felt as if they were in some super-strength hold. I wanted to retch from the amount of pain that racked through my dead body. He was reliving his past mistakes and giving me the lessons he had learned from killing his singer. It was one of the things he regretted the most. The pain was almost incomparable to anything he had experienced, except for losing Bella. My hands fisted at my sides. The sounds of my deep inhales and fabric ripping filled the air along with my struggle for breath. This was something I would have liked to traverse in privacy and not with my family watching on, but beggars couldn't be choosers.
"Enough," I gasped. Jasper lessened his emotional prison over me. My body ached from the force of his past mistakes. Those were things I never wanted to live. I had my shame in almost killing Bella, but it couldn't compare to his compunction.
"As I was s-saying," Esme started after I had time to regain some composure.
Her voice was shaky from what she had just witnessed. It was never easy for her to see one of her children in pain. Esme's thoughts told me as much while she continued to speak aloud. I looked over to my surrogate mother and read the tears in her eyes.
I hurt for you, but also for Bella, Jasper . . . and Cheyenne. I hurt for your doubt in me. Esme's concern knew no bounds. I wanted to take her into my shaking arms and reassure her, but that would have only made her more upset.
"It's time you looked at your brother, Edward. Since you doubt me so much, look at Jasper and allow him to tell you what I have said is true." I gave Esme another sad look, but she was firm in her stance and thoughts, even though she wanted to embrace her son.
Please, son. It's all I can ask of you.
I gave her one nod before I turned my attention to Jasper, the one who had relived his own pain for his love and also for his love of me. Those were thoughts he no longer hid from me. He had had a tight reign over his thoughts while we were meeting, but he now allowed them to flow freely. I was instantly swept up in his mental images. They were too strong for me to repel.
I watched in Jasper's memory of what had happened after I had attacked his love. I felt terrible for invading such a personal memory, but I wanted to know the extent of damage I caused. Would she ever feel safe around me?
Jasper watched Bella on their bed as her body shook with her grief. Jasper could feel her emotions so intensely and intricately, it added another fracture to his already cracked heart, seeing her in such a disarrayed state.
It was because of my careless actions that they even had to live such an event.
Jasper raised his head up to the ceiling and blew out a breath, trying to dislodge some of her emotions that had bombarded him. He wanted to give her comfort, but knew he would have a difficult time while trying to fight her grief.
Jasper, in finally feeling up for the challenge of comforting his love, walked over to their bed and gently lowered himself onto it. Bella moved over a little, as if she knew he would always come. She didn't take her head from the pillow that captured her fallen tears, but moved her body over closer to Jasper, sharing her warmth. She still lay on her stomach, but her shuddering had lessened at Jasper's nearness. He could feel her slight ease in him being okay and unharmed. He could also feel her love radiate out to him, combined with her contrition.
That was an emotion both he and I didn't understand.
"I'm sorry for whatever I may have done to upset your brother, Jazz. I truly meant no harm towards Edward and cannot imagine what I must have done to upset him," she answered his unspoken thoughts.
I was flabbergasted by her words. How could she have found any culpability within herself? She had simply knocked on a door, and I had attacked her because the song of her blood was something that still made my mouth overflow with venom and wanted to send me into a frenzy. It had been the most delicious thing I had ever smelt. I knew one drop of that luscious blood would send me over the edge, at least until I built up some sort of resistance. My family protested that I had the most amount of control in the clan, but I had to respectfully disagree, Jasper's rivaled my restraint any day.
"Shh, angel," he said in his most soothing voice, stroking his love's hair with tender touches.
Jasper's love for her almost had me drowning just in his memory.
"It's no one's fault. It is just the nature of my species." Bella raised her head and gave Jasper an understanding look. Her eyes were red and swollen from her crying jag. She could see the hurt and worry in his eyes.
Jasper only wanted to keep her safe and she found out just how dangerous a human could be in our world. But even with those thoughts running in his mind, one look at Bella chased everything away. He simply couldn't live without her. He would just have to live with the danger and protect her with his life. He was too much of a selfish creature and that thought saddened him even more: his needs over her own.
"Do you remember when I told you about Shelly, what I had done to her?" he asked in a broken voice.
Bella finally raised herself off the bed and took Jasper in her arms. Her emotions were all over the place, but the majority of what she felt was compassion for Jasper's past sins. It was now her turn to give the comfort to her love.
"I remember, baby," she said into his left ear. His head was now resting on her shoulder while her small fingers ran through his hair. It looked like a routine they had participated in regularity. "Her blood was like an aphrodisiac to you, and no matter how much you wanted to resist, you couldn't stop yourself from taking her blood and eventually taking her life," she finished on a whisper, then proceeded to kiss his forehead.
I was amazed that Jasper had confided so much of his past in her. I wondered why he didn't want to protect her from the ugliness and gruesomeness of our nature. He had been more candid with her than I imagined. This is where Jasper and I once again differed. I would have spared her such details, not wanting my love to know the true nature of my life. She would only scare away, but it seemed as if I may have been wrong about Bella.
Jasper looked up into his love's features and gave her a sad half-smile. His face sang with his pain and past transgressions. "Yes, angel, I hadn't been able to stop myself from taking her life. The reason I even bring this up is because that is what happened this morning."
Understanding and comprehension came over Bella's visage. A tear leaked from the corner of her right puffy eye.
"I'm sorry for causing such trouble within your family, Jasper," she apologized and he wiped the tear from her flushed skin. "If I cause such problems within your family, I don't know how we can stay together. I never want Esme and Carlisle to feel as if they have to choose between their first son and me. It's not fair, Jasper. I could never ask them to make such a sacrifice. Edward has also suffered enough and shouldn't have to be tempted because I'm around."
"So very caring, angel," he murmured on her cheek. "Is it any wonder why I'm so very much in love with you," she turned pink at his words, trying to hide her reaction from him, but he wouldn't allow it.
Jasper gently grabbed her chin and raised his lips to meet hers from off her shoulder. Their mouths embraced in that old dance which always expressed a couples love and devotion. After a while of becoming reacquainted with the other's taste, they broke apart and touched their foreheads together.
"You are my life, Isabella, and I could no sooner live without you and Cheyenne then I could live off human food. Those equations just don't compute."
She tried to argue, but he didn't allow her to speak. He brought his lips to hers again for a light kiss. "No, angel! I need you, as does my family. We are yours and Cheyenne's. Something will be worked out."
She gave him a disbelieving look that caused him to laugh. "Jasper, perhaps you did hurt yourself," she jested with him. His happiness made her happy; it was as simple as that. Bella turned serious once more and asked a question that seemed to linger in her silent mind.
"Where was everyone, Jasper?" He gave her a searching look, understanding what she meant. He exhaled slowly as if trying to erase their pain and the terrible events of the day.
"They were on their way here with Cheye; you both must have passed the other while not noticing. Emmett and I were hunting and on our way back," he stopped his speech and brought his love further into his arms. "I'm sorry, angel. I never meant to put you in any harm. I only love you so very desperately." She leaned into him while stroking his hair. Her lips met every inch of his face.
"It's wasn't your fault," she said after a time of worshipping his flawed skin. "I should have taken more precaution, or even called. I'm just sorry that Edward had to suffer because of my mistakes. It isn't fair that he has to suffer because of my carelessness."
"Trust me, Bella, when I say we will work something out. Edward has the most amount of self-discipline when it comes to our family. He may not believe it, but it's true nonetheless. I know he can restrict himself from taking your blood. Edward is astounding when he wants to be. There is nothing he cannot accomplish when he puts his mind and will into the decision. I hope that once he becomes accustomed to your smell, he will become desensitized. Edward has the capability and the mental capacity to accomplish this, angel, just you watch." Bella leaned forward and trying not to remove her forehead from his, once again sealed her love with her lips.
"I always trust you, baby," she murmured against his mouth that were occupied with her own. The situation quickly changed from one of heartbreak and sadness to a physical expression of their vast adulation.
I pulled out of his thoughts quickly, not wanting to see anymore of their private time together. I had trespassed enough already.
"Are you finished snooping in my thoughts, brother?" asked Jasper in a jesting voice. Of course he could feel my response to his own memories, and I had been remiss in thinking he couldn't. I was usually more intelligent in these situations, and tried to have better control.
"I didn't mean any disrespect, Jasper. I just wanted to make more than certain both you and Bella were actually comfortable with my being here. Please forgive the intrusion on your last thought," I said sincerely, while looking him in the eye directly. He studied me for a moment before I could hear his mind concede.
I know, Edward, and it's understandable.
"Now that you have evidence for yourself, are you going to submit to Esme or have her looking sad all the day long?" I truly tried not to scoff at his ridiculous statement. It was an unbecoming reaction. Threatening me with Esme had been unfair. She had each of us wrapped securely around her fingers, at least the males in the family.
"So Bella knows about my past?" I asked out of curiosity. I wasn't angry at Jasper, more relived. I didn't have to tell Bella about my actions and rebellion from long ago and also didn't have to relive those memories, at least around others. In my solitude was another matter.
"I've told her the foundation, but Carlisle is the one to have told her the intimate details. I wasn't there to live that history with the family, and Carlisle wanted her to understand each of our roles within the Cullen's. He loves you so much, Edward. You were his first." I knew I had a special placed within Carlisle's heart; we had been together for some time before he had even attempted to change Esme. We were companions and still held that immense bond for the other.
Carlisle looked over at me, giving an understanding look. He didn't want to upset me with telling something so personal to Bella, but he also didn't want her in the dark about past lives. We each had a role, as Jasper had said, and I played mine. I next looked over to Esme and knew it had made a mistake.
Who could ever resist Esme when she looked so docile and saddened? Her tactics were unfair, and her thoughts said as much. I was still the sucker because I felt myself giving in even while I read her mind; he can never resist his mother; just a little more meekness in the eyes and he's finished. And Jasper thinks he came up with the notion of puppy eyes. I could teach him a thing or two.
Esme was such a dangerous creature. I had heard that all Jasper had to do was give Bella those eyes and she was finished, I guess Bella and I had more in common than the need for her blood.
I had tried to reason with my family, but their reluctance to see things my way had failed. There was nothing left to do but concede. "I'll try, Esme, but that's all I can promise." Her venom continued to fill her eyes before she rushed out of her husband's arms and into my mine. I had not expected her reaction, but quickly prepared when she rushed to me.
I thanked vampire speed and my ability to read her unstable thoughts. They were all over the board and filled with everything from Christmas trees to looking at the little child in a new hat Esme had purchased for her.
"Thank you, son," she gushed into my neck. Her face was hidden in my throat, and her words were mumbled.
Now I had to contend with the battle that would define me and all that I had worked for. Could I restrain from Bella's smell or would I be a constant failure in all that I did. My resistance had never had such a challenge. Only time would know the outcome.
My family continued their ramblings around me as I thought about what awaited me. Jasper caught my eye; I could read the understanding and empathy in each tear that filled his dark amber ones. I knew this battle wasn't just about me, but my family and the trust they put in me. Jasper was giving the most, especially in regards to his love for Bella and his daughter. In the melee of our family commotion he spoke to me through my gift.
I cannot live without her, Edward. But I also need you and the family in my life, his thoughts read. He would give me the chance to redeem myself, because he wasn't given that opportunity in regards to his singer, but even he had his limits. He wouldn't hesitate to leave for Bella's safety. Nothing was placed above her.
I read his mind and choice loud and clear.
Author's Notes Continued: So another chapter has passed. I hope some of your questions may have been answered. Sorry if it felt like a filler, but there was some vital information. I don't know about you, but the emotions were on the heavy side and I felt for Edward in his willingness in not wanting to give into his family. We all have to make sacrifices for those we love and he realizes that. :/
I also thought the quote very fitting at the beginning. The question is what Edward will do. I think that is it for now. Thanks for all of those who continue to read, add me to your alerts/favorites, and review. Everything is appreciated and makes me smile. Much love as always! =)
Special shout out to all who reviewed: Calliso, SAVAGEGRACEx, Sapphirepa, acw1, slc6548, mssmith, Cullen Cousin, KareBear1965, aggy73, missdaisy2, letsjustdance, texbratt67, katandjasper
Posted: 30 January 2011